I. Don’t continue to allow toxic/sinful extended family behavior into your home or to take your family into toxic/sinful extended family situations as you live in denial.
It is true that mercy and forgiveness go hand in hand. We are, as Christians, required to extend both to all who wrong us. These two Christian virtues are different, though, from trust and responsibility--which also go hand in hand. These last two are earned character traits. We are not under a mandate to extend trust to the untrustworthy nor to give responsibility to the irresponsible. Much harm has been done in the church by confusing mercy/forgiveness with trust/responsibility. The church, the Christian family and the Christian are under no Scriptural mandate to open their doors and extend trust and responsibility to those who are untrustworthy, irresponsible and abusers of both. A Christian, in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, must forgive the abuser but that Christian does not have to trust the abuser to not abuse them, when their actions prove otherwise. A church whose deacon or secretary steals from the church must forgive the thief but they are not bound to continually put the thief back in charge of the money, when a proven pattern has been established. In both cases, forgiveness is freely given but trust and responsibility will have to be earned.
Positions of trust and responsibility are not Christian rights. God the Holy Spirit, over and over, teaches that positions of trust and responsibility are earned.
1 Corinthians 4:2 “In this case, moreover, it is required of stewards that one be found trustworthy.”
The Bible clearly teaches that the repentant sinner should be restored to fellowship but being restored to positions of trust and responsibility are not the same thing. These positions are re-earned in a very prolonged manner, if at all.
Notice in this passage the strict standard for restoration…
2 Corinthians 7:9-11
I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter.
Contrast this now with the failure to repent…
1 Corinthians 5:1-5
It is actually reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has his father's wife. You have become arrogant and have not mourned instead, so that the one who had done this deed would be removed from your midst. For I, on my part, though absent in body but present in spirit, have already judged him who has so committed this, as though I were present. In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus, I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.
Neither of the above passages denies or mitigates forgiveness and mercy. Instead, they clearly teach that neither forgiveness nor mercy are to be confused with trust and responsibility, which are clearly earned.
This is equally true with the family for whom you are responsible. The father, as head of the home, is responsible for the spiritual, material, emotional and physical protection of his family. This takes precedent over all else. Therefore:
Do not allow the alcoholic relative to continue to ruin your family gatherings;
Do not allow the emotionally abusive relative to break the emotional spirit of another generation;
Do not allow the thieving relative to continue to steal;
Do not allow the physically or sexually abusive relative to attend your gathering;
Do not allow cultic, pagan, mystic or pseudo-Christian teachings and traditions to be a part of your family gatherings;
II. Don’t, in deference to secular members of your family, celebrate a Christ-less Christmas.
Mark 8:38 "For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will also be ashamed of him when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy angels."
Pray at the dinner table in the name of Jesus. Read aspects of the Christmas revelation from Holy Scriptures at the dinner table and for family gatherings. Discuss freely the real meaning of Christmas with your wife and children. You do not have to remove Christ and Christian conduct from your home out of fear of offending unbelievers.
III. Don’t give away your spouse or children’s Christmas as a spiritual act of generosity.
Instead, give away your shotgun, your bass boat, your deer lease, your golf clubs, your season tickets, your shop tools, etc., etc. It has long been a Scriptural principle that you do not give to the Lord that which belongs or should go to another. When you give, you make the sacrifice-- not your family members. On a similar note, don’t be a “selective miser.” Don’t cheat your family out of a bountiful Christmas because it is “materialistic,” while spending lavishly on yourself. I know a minister who always has a miserly family Christmas, yet he spends hundreds on his bass boat, deer lease, hunting dogs, etc.
2 Samuel 24:24-25
24 However, the king said to Araunah, "No, but I will surely buy it from you for a price, for I will not offer burnt offerings to the LORD my God which cost me nothing." So David bought the threshing floor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver.
25 David built there an altar to the LORD and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. Thus the LORD was moved by prayer for the land, and the plague was held back from Israel.
IV. Don’t cheat your wife and children out of holiday memories and traditions while you fulfill your ego or guilt.
If you are going to work in a soup kitchen, wait until your kids are grown or do the early morning shift before they wake up. There are 365 days in the year for you to minister to the poor and for you to help your children learn compassion. Use holidays, birthdays and other special family events to center around your ministry to your wife and children. The problem with many Christian’s families today is that the father (and, sometimes, mother) give themselves credit for ministering to strangers rather than their own families. Think through all the reasons you are feeling compelled to minister to others during the holidays and apply those double-fold to your own spouse and children.
1 Timothy 5:8 “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
V. Don’t gripe about materialism--instead being thankful.
Remember, God hears griping and whining -
Deuteronomy 28:47-48 "Because you did not serve the LORD your God with joy and a glad heart, for the abundance of all things; therefore you shall serve your enemies whom the LORD will send against you…”
I tell those in my ministry that all those who gripe about the materialism of Christmas have to give all their presents (not their family’s but theirs) to charities. It is hypocritical to gripe about the materialism of Christmas and then benefit materially from this holiday. It is hypocritical to gripe about how busy the stores are and how bad the traffic is, while you are out driving and shopping. What is your application – that everyone stay home until you are finished with your holiday shopping and travels, then they can participate in the holidays? Do you realize how selfish that sounds? Instead, spend time in the presence of your family and others praising God for the prosperity of your country, the generosity of all those out shopping, the blessing this is to store and restaurant owner and how thankful you are that you can bless others during this season.
VI. Don’t, out of a false sense of spirituality, ruin your family Christmas, by catering to dysfunctional members of your community, your church or your family.
Luke 1:14 "You will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth.”
There is always one of these guys behind every worship event, Sunday school gathering or holiday party. They cannot just relax and enjoy the blessing of God and the joy of those around them. They always say something like this: “During the holidays, let us remember those who are grieving, in the hospital and have lost loved ones. For them Christmas is not a time of joy but one of the most difficult times of the year.” Then, if possible, they recite a list of people, past and present, and slowly cast a pall over the gathering. Don’t throw a wet blanket over every event by remembering those who are sad and lonely. I am indeed sorry for the misfortune of others. However, to begin each church service or gathering by making everyone feel guilty that they are happy, while others are sad, is simply not the will of God. The Bible is full of passages where man is encouraged and exhorted to rejoice in the material blessings of God without guilt. Instead, help those whom God has blessed to rejoice in this blessing. God the Holy Spirit teaches us in Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” If God has blessed a gathering, then rejoice with them. Do not through a cloud of false guilt because of God’s blessing. On the other hand, should God bring to you those who are grieving, then grieve with them, but do not impute this to those who otherwise would be reveling in the blessing of God.
VII. Don’t center Christmas around ministering to others rather than to your family.
Now I have no problem with inviting non-Christians, neighbors or church members to outreach parties. I have no problem with using Christmas and your home as a door to reaching out to neighbors with the gospel. Your family, though, should never think of themselves as a good tool for your ministry. These intimate holidays are an opportunity for you to minister to your family and they should not be squandered needlessly. On this same vein, I would also like to stress that your family Christmas is not a time to bring the homeless, alcoholics and dysfunctional strangers into your home. Do not show up from work or shopping with a homeless person on Christmas Eve. Do not call the family and tell them to start a holiday dinner without you because you are ministering to the poor, distressed or dysfunctional. Jesus Christ Himself pointed out balance in this area when He taught His disciples Matthew 26:11 "For you always have the poor with you; but you do not always have Me.” You indeed will always have the poor around you but not your family. Make these family moments precious and special.
VIII. Don’t be a man-child.
1 Corinthians 16:13 “Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men ,be strong.”
Now I have a special word for the men. In America, the holiday season runs roughly from the end of October to the first of January. During this season, there are many Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities, parties, church and school events. It is often a cause for dismay for me to observe men at these activities dressed like their children. They look, in fact, like their mother dressed them. While the wife has her hair done, makeup on, a dress or business professional clothes and her nicest shoes, the husband is often in unpolished shoes, blue jeans, t-shirt or wrinkled shirt. He is in need of a shave and his hair is unkempt. Before leaving for church, family, school or a social event – look at your wife. Do you look like her spiritual leader or her child? |
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