The Life of John Milne, Chapter 16, by Horatius Bonner. This audio was created with an artificial voice for the Audiobook Initiative on Sermon Audio. Chapter 16, 1866-1867. Illnesses and Labors In September 1866, he had a severe attack of congestion in the brain, and from that time his strength was perceptibly undermined. His life was for some time despaired of, but in love the Lord prolonged it for a little, and gave him a little more work to do for him here, which he did with his usual energy and gladness, though with diminished power. During this illness he suffered intense agony, the pain in the head being quite excruciating, but his peace was like a river. His patience unruffled and his sweetness of temper invariable. After this illness, a friend wrote congratulating him on his recovery and asking how he felt in the near prospect of death. He thus replied, I did think for a little that I was going away and I felt as if I had nothing to do but to die and be with Jesus. But that soon passed and then began terrible, excruciating sufferings for many nights and days. It seemed as if I had never known suffering before, as if I were enduring many martyrdoms. But the Lord strengthened and I was enabled to wait quietly the appointed time. I think Jesus helped me to enter into his sufferings in a way I never did before. Also to feel that all I suffered came directly from himself and was exactly weighed out and measured as to amount and duration. Then I began to think of fellow sufferers, and you often among the rest, and I think the Lord has given me more and tenderer sympathy than before. I had no sleep for ten or eleven nights but constant racking pain, but I know that the Lord helped me and carried me through. I now see that God is served by waiting, suffering, and striving to say, Not my will but thine. as well as by running to and fro and straining every nerve, I begin to think that patience is the crowning grace. You are far ahead of me in this department of godliness, and I may well sit at your feet and learn to cultivate the passive graces. I have a hope that the Lord means to spare for a little on the footstool. Thank you again for this touching, interesting note. And may the God of all grace and peace, after we have suffered a while, establish, settle, perfect us. I will bless God at all times. All His paths are mercy and truth." As soon as he was able he resumed work and preached on James 1.4. His usual pastoral duties, which he so truly delighted in, he was able once more to undertake for some months. Still frequent changes were necessary. A happy fortnight at the Bridge of Allen in May 1867 helped to brace him. and another fortnight at Newport in July. By this time, however, the suffering in his head had recommenced and there were days of depression. But before taking up this, his last year of work, let us throw together some reminiscences and letters of 1866. He thus writes to Mr. Cowan, my dear brother, go on and prosper. You are making me live my early ministry over again. You will kindly take the session tonight. If the weather permit, I shall be making a good many visits, and tomorrow shall, D.V., be all day at Matterdy. Tell the elders how cheery and hopeful our district visitors were." Again, about May, 1866, on leaving for a little rest, he writes briefly to his colleague, "'Goodbye. I missed you when I got back from the station. I wish we could have had a few quiet moments together.' for life is so uncertain, one does not know what a few weeks may bring. Several things within the last month or two have shown me that both mind and body are run down and need a little quiet, and yet I feel it a real wrench at last to leave the objects of daily interest and occupation. On the 21st of August of the same year he writes to Mr. Cowan, Thank you, my dear brother, for your welcome note. I should have been beforehand with you but could not find out your whereabouts. Now I don't let the grass grow under my pen, if such a figure is allowable. It is the first time I ever heard of Enoch Dow. But I shan't forget it. You seem to have fallen on your feet like Paul at Melita, and the natives seem to be very amiable barbarians. I have a note from Dymock, putting me in mind that you and I are to be with him next Sabbath. Will you go to him in the forenoon? And so I shall have the opportunity of intimating your return to our people and saying that you come as a giant longing to be at work. I trust good days are before us this winter. Let us lie low and look up and not let him go. Possibly we may take your advice and go away for a little after the conferences." In October after the communion, and after his own illness, he writes to Mr. Cowan, My very dear Andrew, we are journeying and meeting with daily, hourly mercies, and we try to see them coming from the Upper Spring through the wounds of the Bleeding Lamb. We were in the Black Isle, Ross Shire, at B's brother Major Nicolson's for about a week, and I saw a good deal of the people both in preaching, prayer meetings, and roadside talks. There are many bruised spirits in dark, helpless bondage. We are here for a night or two with the widow of John MacDonald, my predecessor in the Free Church, Calcutta. You know how dear his memory is to me, his spiritual daughter. A few days later I find the following letter to one of his office bearers, dated Perth, 29th October, 1866. My dear Mr. Lowe, I was favoured with the minute of Deacon's Court, which you kindly sent me. I cannot express how much we were affected by the generous and affectionate way in which they were pleased to speak of me. The tie between them and me is now becoming old. I am sure that it is also growing warmer and stronger. I trust that, if not able in future to work so much as formerly, I shall yet be inclined and enabled to pray more for the congregational and individual prosperity of my friends. I observe the strong and united opinion expressed regarding the matter which was brought before the court. If anything could make me depart from the wish I feel it would be that. But the wish remains unaltered and, I think, unalterable. I meant it for a little thank-offering for the great kindness which we have at this time experienced both from God and man. I wish the deacon's court to accept this thank-offering at my hand, and to employ it in any way that seems conducive to the good of our common charge, the flock committed to our care. This will be a real relief and gratification to me. I ask there in your prayers for my brother minister and myself, that we may walk in love, as we have ever done, and that we may be baptized afresh with the spirit of power and devotedness. Believe me, very affectionately yours, John Milne." He writes thus to a dear friend whose son was starting for India. I should like to shake hands with the emigrant and bid him Godspeed. I shall bring a note or two with me. But Calcutta society changes very fast, and if I were to go back I should find myself almost a stranger. I am glad that he goes into so good a house as the Messrs. McKinnons. I love them all and the Lord guides and prospers them." Give my love to him. I trust the Lord will give him the 121st Psalm. India is a good country for a man who is healthy, diligent, and fears God. He writes thus to a friend in sorrow. We remember you and your heart's desire and burden. I trust that at evening time it will be light. I hope Mr. M. got the open mouth and found the open door. Nothing is too hard for him with whom we have to do. No solicitude is so interesting, no prayer so prevailing, as that of a child longing for the salvation of an aged dying father. The long-suffering that has spared so long should fill you with hope and confidence. Somehow, at present, I seem to feel as if nothing will be withheld if we but humbly, trustfully ask, The following sketch of the epistle to the Romans was written on the blank leaves of a copy of that epistle which he sent to a friend about this time. This epistle opens with God as judge. He sits upon the throne and the world is summoned before him. Evidence is led first against the Gentiles, then against the Jews. The judge sums up and the verdict is pronounced. The criminal is speechless. He has nothing to say why the sentence of death should not be executed. This is the state of all men by nature. Oh, that all men saw and felt it. Then the substitute, surety-redeemer is brought forward. He takes the condemned sinner's place. He is willing to do it, able to do it. God accepts this voluntary surety and lets him, in the room of the sinner, keep the law, pay the debts, endure the death. There is a complete transference. He was delivered for our offenses and raised again for our justification. Thus, God can be just and yet forgive sinners. for he has received full satisfaction. This is salvation. God is pleased with it. Christ is pleased with it. Are you pleased with it? Do you trust and rely upon it? Then it is yours, with all the blessings which it yields, such as peace with God, access to God, the friendship of God, the assurance of heaven. Your very trials now become blessings and are cheerfully, hopefully born, and your whole character is changed and ameliorated. You are peaceful, trustful, thankful. You try to be holy, kindly, living as a child of God, an heir of heaven, a pilgrim on earth, and seeking the good of all about you. It is a thoroughly good and reasonable religion. Chapter 1 1632. Evidence Brought Against the Gentiles. Chapter 2. Evidence Brought Against the Jews. Chapter 3. 9. 18. Judge Summing Up. Chapter 3. 1920. Nothing to Plead in Arrest of Judgment. Chapter 3. 21. 31. The Way of Redemption Free to All by the Surety. Chapter 4. An Example and Illustration of Faith. Chapter 5. Benefits of Believing on Christ and Taking Him as Our Surety. Chapter 6. Holiness and New Obedience Spring from Faith in Christ. Chapter 7. Conflict Between the Old and New Nature. Chapter 8, Living and Walking in the Spirit. Chapter 12, The Holy, Loving, Kindly Life and Temper of a True Believer. These notes are written along the margin, to the same friend he would sometimes send a tract with a word on it. I think this will interest you. It is rather a favorite of mine. Or leave a card at his door, thus mart, with best wishes, John 1, 29. Or glad to hear that you are better. John 14, 1 through 3. In October 1867, he wrote to the same friend, thanking him for some game and continues, I trust you are feeling better and able to look forward, hopefully, to the coming winter. I am poorly myself and so can sympathize with you. But may we both enjoy much of the peace and hope which spring from resting wholly on our loving and glorified Savior. Dear friend, you know that I love you and that my desire is that we may meet at the Lord's right hand. Let me in peace resign my breath, and thy salvation see. My sins deserve the second death, but Jesus died for me. I hope in a day or two to call. It will be one of my first visits." This gentleman was not a member of Mr. Milne's flock, but belonged to the established church. After Mr. Milne's death, he wrote to a friend as follows, I, with all others acquainted with Mr. Milne, felt his death much. He was a sincere friend and a Christian minister whose whole aim and object was to do good and save souls. While he was always cheerful and lively he ever had but one object in view, and if he happened to call and not find you at home, he left his card, generally with a reference to some text of scripture that he wished you to consider. I have often, during my illness, wished I was prepared, like him, for the great change which must soon come. Such are some of the letters of this period. Let me now give some miscellaneous fragments and notices connected with it. In a railway carriage, going a little way from London, an elderly gentleman was our only companion. Some remark was made about the name of a station and the gentleman said he could give no decided information as he had been long abroad. This opened the conversation. He had been in Italy and Sicily. He described the sad state of those countries and Mr. Milne said, What will be the end of all this? The gentleman replied, I ought rather to ask you that question, for I see you are a clergyman. Well, said Mr. Milne, rising up as he spoke, I think the Lord Jesus will come and put all to rights. That is my only hope for a sinful, distracted world. The gentleman immediately stretched out his hand and cordially shaking that of Mr. Milne said, Then we are at one. That is my hope, too." Mr. Milne had almost immediately to leave the carriage and parted with the new acquaintance as with a friend. During a visit to London at one of the Metropolitan Railway stations while waiting for a train, he was interested with a fine little boy whose father was pretending he would throw the child on the rails, much to the little fellow's amusement. At last Mr. Milne said to the boy, "'Why are you not afraid? If he throws you down you will be killed. said the child with a shout of laughter. He's my papa. Mr. Milne paused a moment and then turning to the gentleman said, What a lesson your boy has taught us that, under all circumstances, we should trust our heavenly father that he will not hurt us, and then walked on. In a few minutes the gentleman followed and said, It is very remarkable that you should have made that remark to me just now. I am now on my way to visit my own father who is in a lunatic asylum, and I am afraid I have had hard thoughts of my heavenly father. But At that moment his train came up, and all he could add was, Thank you, thank you. An old servant was remarking that she scarcely ever passed him in the lobby without some word to raise her thoughts upward. His study chimney was very apt to smoke, and she was lamenting it to him one day when he quietly said, Oh, never mind, Mary, the fashion of this world passeth away. Coming from church one afternoon he saw three women, in a humble rank of life, going out to walk on the inch. One said to the others, Stop, I have lost something. Yes, said Mr. Milne. Stop, for though I do not know what you have lost, I know what you are losing. They looked amazed. Yes," he continued, you are losing your Sabbath, and if you lose your Sabbaths now, you will lose your souls by and by. The women did stop and turned back to their house. Walking in the country near Bridge of Allen, he met a woman to whom he offered a tract. She seemed most willing to take it, and he added, I hope you can say Christ is mine, she hesitated. So holding out the tract, he said, I offer you this. Is it yours? She said, not till I have taken it. Well, he said, it is the same with Christ. God, by his ministers, offers him to you. Accept of him, and then you can say Christ is mine. Another day, near the bridge of Allen, a shepherd overtook him with a dog. Mr. Milne spoke to the dog in a remark that, though friendly enough, he would only follow his master. And then he said to that master, he teaches us how we should follow Christ, he then said. Where are you going in such a haste? "'Oh,' said the shepherd, "'three of my sheep went astray last night, and I am going in search of them. That's what the Lord Jesus does,' said Mr. Milne. "'He is ever seeking and taking care of his sheep. As you go on your way, think of these two lessons, to follow your master as your dog follows you, and because you are careful of your sheep, believe in the true shepherd's care of his sheep.'" The man was a Christian and became much affected. A few words of prayer closed the meeting. He had preached one Sabbath on the harvest is past, the summer has ended and we are not saved. And during the course of the following week, he saw one of his people walking along with a companion. He went up and putting his hand on his friend's shoulder said, the harvest is past, the summer has ended and we are not saved. Are you saved? And immediately passed. His friend's companion said, was not that very forward and uncalled for? No," said the other. It is a most important question. That question led to a true conversion. One night dining with a friend, a song was sung. There's nay luck aboot the house. Someone admired the sentiments it expressed. Mr. Milne did so too but added that such expressions in their fullest meaning ought only to apply to the Lord. The singer rather demurred and laughed at the idea. But an interesting conversation followed which arrested all present. Mr. Milne used to say that all the Jacobite songs in praise of Prince Charlie only showed what the Christian's feeling should be to King Jesus. The young man who sung the ballad became quite solemnized and on his way home said, Well, if I were much with these good people, I think I should become good myself. The lady in whose house the party met says, Mr. Milne's spiritual tone quite elevated all of them. On Sabbath, a Roman Catholic girl was brought to the house in great distress. She'd been going to Protestant churches, and her relations threatened to take her life if she did so. While yet she could not stay away, as she felt the life of her soul was at stake. From fear, she was quite ill. She was sent to bed in the manse, and permission was obtained from her mistress to remain for a few days. Two evenings after, the Roman Catholic priest came to the house and accused Mr. Milne of trying to draw away his people. Mr. Milne was quite calm and said, Not so. The girl was an entire stranger to me. I never saw her till I saw her in my own house, where she had been brought by one of my people. She was in trouble and we have shown her kindness. The priest said something. Why had she been brought to Mr. Milne's house? I suppose, said Mr. Milne, because my people know that my house and my purse are ever open to them. one of my people," he continued, had been taken to your house, I think you would have acted as I have done. I give you credit for being earnest and acting up to your light. I only wish that light were clearer." Will you not give me the same credit?" The priest was angry and asked, might not her friends see her? Oh, certainly," said Mr. Milne, and she can go away whenever she likes, but no force must be used to take her away. The girl remained for some days, and though afterwards she lost her reason and destroyed herself, yet she seems truly to have known the Lord Jesus, one now residing in Canada, but who long sat under Mr. Andrew Gray's ministry, writing last year to a friend in Perth and alluding to his religious views, says, Talking of my theology, let me give John Milne justice. My first perfectly clear view of saving truth was from him. We are saved, said he to me one day in my shop by a person. Immediately the truth flashed into my mind. He was very fond of children and almost every child in Perth knew him, constantly in the street. He would stop to play ball with one or throw the skipping rope with another. One writes, he used to be so kind to our children one winter, giving them slides. And one day when he met them going to the post office, he spoke and passed on, but ran back again and, putting his arm around Jay's neck, walked along, telling him about the little boy in Germany who wrote a letter to the dear Lord Jesus. He did not then know who the children were, for he never asked their names. The following extract of a letter from Ontario, Canada, July 1868 to Mrs. Milne, may come in here as containing some incidents of his life. You can conceive our mutual feelings when dining lately with a young man converted under Mr. Milne's preaching in Perth. I said to him, did you hear of the illness of our friend Mr. Milne? And he replied, did you not hear of his death? My mother had written me of your precious husband's illness, but my friend had received a newspaper account of his death. Oh, how many feelings this sudden news created within me! I cannot call it bad news, for to hear that a Christian has gone to heaven is never bad news. At the Great Convention of Young Men's Christian Associations of the United States and British Provinces, I had the opportunity of telling of the first serious interview I had with Mr. Milne, and repeating his memorable words that morning, as he took his watch out of his pocket and said, Dear Mr. B., I am so glad to see you in this state. But as when God is saving the soul of a man, he does not require to take the time that belongs to his fellow man, so it is now five minutes to your office hour, and I will not therefore stop to speak to you. One word of prayer first, and then, as the carriage drives you to office, you will be able perhaps to glance at the first page or two of this little book and be able, even in that short time, to find that as great a sinner as you found mercy. And I will come to see you after office hours. Well, do I remember the first letter I wrote Mr. Milne daring him to come and see me unless he got a direct message of mercy for me on his knees. Never will I forget the impression his words above quoted made upon me. I saw he was a man who gave God all the power and the glory and this made me trust him with all my heart. The incident referred to in the foregoing letter must have occurred in 1854 or quite the end of 1853. Further on, the writer says that he mentions it lest any memoir might be written, as it seemed to him to be a good illustration of Mr. Milne's tact in winning souls to Christ. The writer has been a consistent Christian ever since. Our readers may be interested by the conclusion of his letter. How few seem to receive the comfort of the first resurrection in the way Dr. H. Bonner views it. Am I mistaken in thinking Mr. Milne was a partaker of his views of the premillennial advent? How often will you now say, no shadows yonder? May you more and more enjoy the truth Mr. Mellon once taught me, as he said. I love all the 23rd Psalm, but the sweetest words to me in it are these. He restoreth my soul. God be praised who met me in the way by his dear servant, your husband. What a bright crown his must be. He literally turned many to righteousness and very many more, I doubt not, than he ever knew of. The seed he has cast upon the waters has not been all found yet. Let us now turn to his own journal. We cannot give it fully, but the following extracts will be interesting. Perth, 7th June, 1867. Friday night. It is very long since I have made any jottings of the Lord's dealings with me, or of my own spiritual experience. I know the dangers connected with doing this, but I miss the benefits which used to derive from my poor attempts to preserve a few spiritual memoranda. I have now entered my 61st year so that my life is drawing near to its close. I have also had some very marked warnings, which assure me that the end of it comes near and may be very sudden. I seek to live under a happy belief that my master will come and may come at any time. I want, therefore, to be more watchful, earnest, prayerful, more happy, holy, and devoted. I know something of my besetting sins and desire to deny and keep them under. Help me, therefore, Lord, to pass each day and review under thine eye. and so to give thanks or ask mercy and grace according to my need. This day has been a varied one, trial in the morning in which I fear I failed somewhat, being taken by surprise from the unexpected nature of the trial. Let me keep in the secret place, and so I shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty and never be afraid. Some help in preparing for Sabbath, and so some hope that there may be blessing, peaceful and quiet at the close, but not much gird up and little spring. I have a hope that it is with me a time between two tides. I know that hitherto I have acted too much under the impulse of self, the flesh, excitement, present things, the sudden view of the moment, man's favor and power. I believe the Lord is delivering me from this. The tide has ebbed away, and I am like a ship that is aground. May I be content? weaned from all that, fearful of being carried away with it again. May I be enabled in faith and patience to wait for a better flood, the river which makes glad the city of God, the life which is hid with Christ in God. 8th June, Saturday night. This has been a very quiet, peaceful day, both outwardly and inwardly. I have been preparing for tomorrow and have desire and hope of blessing. Several things feed this expectation, and I think it will not be disappointed. I am longing for a shower of the blessing which is falling freely in many places both of England and Scotland. It has come very near us on several hands but has not yet appeared here, except in two or three I see little interest or concern about it. But I know how easily the Lord could rouse the whole community so I am trying to wait patiently. June 9. Sabbath night. A quiet day. Not much sensible help. Not much vigor in my work. I feel as if the Lord were training me to lean more on Him both in preaching and prayer. It is selfishness and unbelief that stand in the way, but the Lord can shine away both these dark shadows. It will be a blessed freedom when they are greatly away. A nice meeting at night to hear about a work of God in Derbyshire and at Octorarder. I trust the Lord is preparing us for another outbreak of grace here. Lord, help me this week, make it remarkable for holiness and blessedness. Great help and comfort in thinking of the passages which seem to be suggested to my mind. 10th June, Monday night. another quiet day, some trial but overruled, and able to cheer and comfort some. Last night a good deal awake, but finding communion and profitable meditation. The thoughts and texts have passed away, but I was the better for them at the time, and perhaps they will be restored by the Remembrancer. One thought was that Christ's mediation is the only way in which God can forget and forgive sin, and in which the sinner's conscience can find a perfect and everlasting rest. I have tried today to cleave to Christ, to abide in the secret place, to have an appetite for the Word of God, to care for my fellow man, and to remember the Master's coming. Lord forgive, bless, and prosper the little note I've been writing. Let it do some good and not any harm. 11th June, Tuesday evening, much at home. Writing letters, jaded but somewhat restored again. It is a great blessing when we learn to stop and turn to the Lord before we are oppressed and the spirit becomes flat and without spring. Rejoice in the Lord always. Prayer, the word, meditation, uplift, embrace again. The living water springs up afresh. 12th June, Wednesday evening. Many blessings today. Scarcely anything like trial except the longing to be more lively and spiritual. There seems a divine couloir d'orose over everything. I feel it a great help to live a quiet, retired life. The Lord prospers me and my desire to avoid being engrossed, carried away, or overburdened. A happy prayer meeting tonight. Give help and blessing for the coming Sabbath. 13th June, Thursday night, helped and encouraged today in various ways. The little note I sent to the blank seems to have been blessed and to have found favor. Dr. B writes very kindly and thankfully about it. I met today with a record of my longings many years ago for revival on my soul and ministry. that I may preach differently, be more full in setting forth Christ, more fearless in unfolding the law, more faithful in rebuke, more tender in entreaty, more winning in persuasion, have more singleness of purpose, more devotedness to my work, more seriousness in public, less levity in private, more willingness to work and yet find that work does not weary nor labor fatigue. I fancy these are very much my desires today. Perhaps there is little now of the levity of early days. I cannot work now as then, but there is still the desire, and it is a far greater cross to hold in and forbear than it would be to give rein and rush on. What I desire now is that it may not be an occasional and passing impulse of grace, but a continuous habit, a walking in the spirit and so not fulfilling the lusts of the flesh. I think I know now better what I ignorantly asked. Singleness of purpose. I know more of the impurity, the subtle mixture, the cleaving of self to all we do. It is the sediment, the dark shadow, but Christ can deliver men from this. I find it a great secret of uninterrupted peace and life not to go on working at anything till the soul becomes jaded. and conscious communion is broken. It needs much watchfulness and self-denial to avoid this. I should stop at once and wait on the Lord. I count all things lost, etc. This is the secret. I have been thinking of the infinite originality and variousness of God's contrivances in His works and ways. How wonderful, how admirable is God! 14th June, Friday night. Bless the Lord, O my soul! I never really looked to Thee without being lightened. I never waited on Thee without getting renewal of strength. I bless Thee for this quiet day and for the pleasant upspringing of hope in my soul. It is the peace which passeth understanding, for it cannot explain it, but the God who has given it now can give it again. 22nd June, Saturday morning, during the night I thought of Ephesians 6, Stand therefore, etc., that ye may withstand in the evil day and having done all to stand. Stand before, stand in, and stand after the fight. This standing is a most important thing. It implies wakefulness, preparation, watchfulness, determination, faith, and calmness. The timid and fearful flee. Elijah stands. We stand in grace before God, Romans 5.2. Am I standing this morning? Then let me hold on. I suppose this is implied in Gideon's little troupe. They stoop down and lap the water but are ready in an instant to resume the standing position. So may I be in regard to earthly things, only stooping for a moment and sipping a little for refreshment. Yet there is a lying down. Psalm 23, He maketh me to lie down, but this is safe. We rise strengthened and hopeful, and He is watching. Help me today to prepare and do thou bless. Greatly honor. 24th June, Monday evening. Yesterday was peaceful. Some comfort in preaching. but a deep conviction that it is the hand of the Lord, the Spirit of the Lord, that awakens, convinces, saves. Hear now of the work of God at Telebate. No house without some awakened. When will the Lord visit us? May I in the power and liberty of faith seek this one thing. Let me not run before, but wait and renew my strength. Evening. Some unexpected encouragement today. Help me to live for thee under thine eye. Let me walk in the life and light and dwell within sight of the new Jerusalem. Let my days be a jubilee, twenty-fifth June, Tuesday morning, trials of faith last night, and failing where I have often failed, but checked and enabled somewhat to make head against the evil. I feel this morning how little I know of the Word and how often I forget and lose the benefit of what I do know. I look to Thee for seasonable help, for watering every moment. Let the remembrancer aid me seasonably and effectually. Thy word is spirit and life. 26 June, Wednesday morning. Peaceful yesterday. Held me in writing and preparing, yet reminded several times that evil is within me and without, and that I need the watering every moment. Hold me in, hold me up, and so I shall go on in this way. Quicken me. Yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered. Let me learn in the same way, and may I not cast away my confidence or faint when I am tried. Help me in preparing for Sabbath and give courage and hope. 28th June, Friday morning. How much we feed or try to feed upon ourselves, our own works, plans, feelings, fears, trials. But the Lord says, I am the bread of life. Come unto me and hunger no more. Believe in me and thirst no more. God is satisfied with him. Why should not we? Let me wait for the Lord so shall I be ever full. Let me not wait for earthly things, for then I shall have constant disappointment. 29th June, Saturday morning. I know the Lord is dealing with me in the way of merciful chastisement. In one case He is starving a besetting sin and withholding gratification. He is taking the work of mortification into his own hand. I kiss the rod, and yet I believe that he will restore these naturally good things when I can safely enjoy and use them. Let me wait and mark his hand. In another case, he has given the reign for a moment to my evil, that I might see how lively it still is, and that I might be stirred up to faith in a crucified Lord, to watchfulness and prayer. David prays, cast me not out of thy sight, Jonah says. I am cast out of thy sight, yet I will look again toward thy holy temple. Last night reading Dr. Marsh's life, a truly sunny Christian taught and blessed of God. But I read too long and had to hurry to bed and I suffered for it. Communion with the best of God's people will not compensate for the loss of communion with himself. Let your moderation be known unto all men. But we have an advocate and a fountain. If the blood of bulls and goats gave Israel confidence and boldness to worship in the earthly temple, surely the blood of Christ ought to give us boldness and confidence, ought to give us a good and purged conscience. I wait for God, my soul doth wait. I feel that I have sinned Hezekiah's sin today. I know not what spirit I am of. Lord, forgive, heal, spare, and make me watchful, self-denying, henceforth. 2nd July, Tuesday morning. Yesterday was a busy day, both in homework and in meeting with friends. It was also comparatively peaceful and happy, but last night while lying awake I saw much hollowness in it. a good deal unintentionally of Hezekiah's sin, and little direct conscious fellowship with the Lord. Self sadly interrupts and mars the living with and for the Lord. I like these knight thoughts. Peter's Lord save me! Struck me much. Also what Paul speaks of is one end of Christ's death to take away the middle wall of partition and make Jew and Gentile one new man. And, again, John, that he should die to gather into one the children of God who are scattered abroad. Satan is the scatterer, Jesus the gatherer, the former breaks down, the latter heals the breach. Sixth July, Saturday afternoon, a short season of darkness, witheredness, and bondage. It was trying. But I was enabled in a measure to possess my soul and patience. In the morning before I rose I felt, most unexpectedly, a gracious melting of soul. The cloud was lifted. My soul could again work freely. This has continued more or less up to this time. I am thankful and encouraged, and I hope for good tomorrow. Letters about the conference. I had hoped to keep out of it, not being strong. and my wife, most dear and needful to me, little fitted at present from weakness, for the stir and toil always connected with it. Lord guide, make willing to see thy will and way. 12th July, Friday night, on Wednesday in Edinburgh, at Moody Stewart's, attending a meeting of ministers for prayer and conference. It was solemn, interesting, useful. Some valuable suggestions and desire and hope of blessing. Yesterday, help in drawing up program of conference. May the Lord guide, help, and prosper. Today busy, but rather feeble in some temptation. Benefit from reading Dr. Liefschild's life, though it is far from being my beau ideal. Give me more and more of thy Holy Spirit in constancy and power. May I not grieve, vex, or quench Him? L6, July, Tuesday morning, Saturday quiet. Sabbath, a temptation in the morning, but enabled to overcome, and the rest of the day strengthened and upheld. Yesterday, weary and somewhat feeble. This morning, refreshed, but sensible that sin has revival too and watches its opportunity. I desire not only to live in the Spirit, but to walk in the Spirit. May my heart be ever right and honest with God. How apt we are to think and act as if He were like ourselves. Yeah, we are more apt to fear and honor our fellow men than the Lord. How hateful and vile this is! 27th July, Saturday evening, still very feeble, a constant growing confusion of head with pain when I try to think, and great uneasiness and shrinking when unexpected call to effort comes. I have passed through similar trials before, but then I was proud and evil and so was pierced through with many sorrows. I think indeed that the Lord is humbling me, breaking my will, abolishing my idols and teaching me obedience. Lord, help. Thou knowest how needful thy guidance and support is when we are going down into the valley. Let not my spirit fail in the soul which thou hast made, but restore and comfort with thy seasonable effectual visitations and revivings. Help this day and give anew song. It seems like martyrdom going on in this weak, helpless state, but thou givest the conquest to the weak. I hear from several quarters that the Lord is with me in my work, and I desire to be encouraged and yet to be humble. when Ephraim spoke trembling, etc. 1st August, Thursday morning. Yesterday engaged all the day at very blessed meetings with the General Assembly's deputation on the state of religion. Today jaded and cast down. I feel that I am laid aside from active work and foresee that the trial will be great. But the Lord can enable me to sit still and wait. Several lessons today, prayer and patience from Curley. the evil of giving way to trial and grieving over it, the blessing of occupying ourselves in helping others. We then forget ourselves and recover a measure of cheerfulness, sensible now and then of a little progress in subduing and putting self away. It is pitiable and ludicrous how it wriggles itself into everything, and the contemptible roundabout, recondite shifts it has recourse to in order to draw attention and give the impression of its importance. It will need much discipline and constant watchfulness to keep it down, but it will never be fully removed till the coup de grace is given or the redemption of the body comes. 3rd August, Saturday morning. Yesterday a very bustling day, visiting the sick and a great many friends coming in and staying till near midnight, but somewhat kept through all the stir, yet failed twice, through want of watchfulness and determined purpose. We cannot continue wholly except by constant conscious fellowship with the Lord. There must be a continual, uninterrupted dying that the life of Jesus may be manifested in us. How soon we weary and relax! Thus, the old enemies get an opportunity and then shame, doubt, and fear prevail till the Lord in mercy restores. Keep me henceforth from falling and present me faultless before thy presence with exceeding joy. It seems impossible at present to realize perfect, everlasting holiness. 5th August, Monday Morning, Yesterday Quiet now leaving home to go for quiet to Newport for a fortnight. May we have much prayer and meditation there. Keep those who go and those who stay and give a new psalm. 7th August. Wednesday morning. We did not get away on Monday in consequence of heavy rain, but we saw the good hand of the Lord in the delay. Came down yesterday in comfort. stood within a few feet of the spot where Robert Ann went down for the last time. A man who was throwing him a rope told me that his last conscious effort was to push the drowning boy to the surface, so that he might be taken up by the approaching boat while he himself went down. He did not live in vain. Far less did he die in vain. He was one of heaven's nobles, and his end was enviable. But all the glory was the Lord's, who took the devil's burning brand and made it a pillar in the temple of the Lord forever. Grant us grace to serve and glorify thee, O Lord, in the perfect quiet of this place. Prepare blessing for Perth. 9th August. I feel that the Lord is leading and keeping me right notwithstanding my own blindness, unwatchfulness, and self-willedness. I have many evident proofs of this. I desire never to murmur or despond, but quietly, patiently wait for the end God is working here. I have seen some lately converted lads, the inmates of Abathi. It is another instance of the living kindling the dead. I see that much prayer seems always to precede conversion work. I see also that few can bear to be instruments in conversion. There is such a tendency to become proud and lifted up. 16th August. Friday morning. I have been learning a good deal since I wrote last. Ups and downs, temptations, and deliverances. Give me the abiding use of this. Give me a new name, Christ-seeker, Christ-pleaser. Take self away and do it as thou seest best. 4th September. At home. Many ups and downs since I wrote last. some feebleness of health, but a good deal of heart-searching and divine teaching, and certainly some progress. I have been asking Sunny Weather for the sake of the fruits of the earth. Also a blessing on the British Association, that they may get light from on high and rise from the lower works to the Creator, Preserver, Redeemer. Also for a great and varied blessing on the Conference. I am waiting for the answers and know that they will come. I feel strangely kept and peaceful. These words are meat to me this morning. Abide in me, and I in you, and ye shall bring forth much fruit, And if ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. But how fickle and changeable my heart, if I say, or begin to feel, that by God's favour my mountain stands, I speedily find that I am but a withered leaf, a rolling thing before the wind, Much pleasant intercourse one day with good Mr. Hargrove who stopped with us in passing. His has been a strange history, but he has learned very much, and, like a stone in constant motion, has become smoothed and rounded. He thinks, love the way to men's hearts. May my heart be more full of love to souls and my words more dipped in love. I must be dead and Christ must live in me that I may be truly useful to my fellow men. 9th September, Monday morning. Still moving on, a good deal of occupation in preparing for the conference. But strangely kept and guided, I wonder and admire the long-suffering of the Lord. I feel that I am in the borderland, not the near but the far border. Not the banks of the Red Sea, but the banks of Jordan. I feel the cross proving more precious, that wondrous cross where God and man meet, righteousness and peace meet, where things in heaven and things on earth meet. Lord, lead and guide all through the week and prosper and bless. May there be much prevailing prayer. 19th September, Thursday morning. The conference is come and gone. I enjoyed it at the time and the benefit remains. It has been the best we have yet had and I have got more personal good from it and not been much worried. There were things that threatened evil, but they've been turned to good and, I hope, great and lasting good. Thanks and praise be to the Master of Assemblies. I feel that His goodness and lovingkindness are humbling me to the dust and making me more and more His own forever. Let the old things wholly pass away. Let self and love of sin be wholly gone. And let me anticipate growingly the full redemption, the deliverance from the bondage of sin, and the being brought into the glorious liberty of the sons of God, felt in studying the 69th Psalm yesterday in a way I had never done before. There was the sense of union with Christ in his sufferings. I had fellowship with him. I find this very helpful. 26th September, Thursday morning. I've had much and profitable teaching from day to day. Much to humble, quicken, and make me watchful. But a growing sense of the Lord's love and care. He seems very near, and I feel that His eye is upon me, and I like to have it so. That word, I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, seems to be getting a hold upon me, and in connection with this, the word duty. I feel my chief concern in anything should be not, how will this look? How will it tell upon my interest and comfort? But how will it affect my Lord? Will it please, honor, serve Him? May this abide and grow till God becomes all in all, and it be my meat to do my Father's will and help on His glory. 2nd October, Wednesday morning. Moving quietly on and getting teaching both night and day. Saturday morning some brokenness of heart, yet a measure of self in it. Sabbath some help, but overdriven. Monday night called out after I had undressed to go to bed to see a girl dying apparently and in deep despair. Her cries for mercy were very affecting. Tuesday morning found her exhausted and quiet, and, I believe, the cloud passing away. May what we saw and heard that night be blessed to us all. I have been thinking about the office of the evangelist. It is Christ's gift to the Church, and yet it is neither recognized nor much used. Teach me and lead me into the truth concerning it. May they not correspond to the judges in old times sent forth immediately by God? It is not in man that walketh to direct his steps. We err by running when we should sit still and sitting still when we should run. 3rd October, Thursday evening, weary and jaded yesterday and so tired I found that nature and the flesh take advantage and so old sins and stumbling blocks return, but also divine kindness, help, and deliverance, and so I desire to bless the Lord and to hope continually. Give me constant guidance and teach me to seek for it and expect it. 9th October, Wednesday morning, weary, jaded, but quiet and not cast down. I must sit still. This is religion at present. Nature and the flesh would drive me out. But this is a temptation. It springs from unbelief and looking to man. Christ's yoke is easy. Just sit still. Several deaths of friends. Great loss of property at Dundee by fire. Our town council, against the remonstrance of a faithful minority, resolved to restore the drunken booths on the inch at the races. Prosperous drink sellers holding office and having influence in the church. Calamities to my old church at Calcutta. Mr. Porry very ill, and Mr. Don obliged to leave charge of it, at least for a time. Few among us, I fear, thorough and simple on the Lord's side. Self-interest, fear of man, and unbelief largely rule. But the Lord ruleth. He doeth His will. He leads the blind by a way they know not. He tries and strengthens their patience. It is good to wait on the Lord and to hope in Him. I would learn to be wholly given up to Him. I find by experience that this is very blessed. I have been trying to get my way most of my life, and had I got it I should have been destroyed long ago. I see ceaseless, marvelous mercy and patience, and I desire to close my eyes and say, Lead, Savior, lead. 14th October, Monday morning, still kept in the house by illness, but enabled to preach yesterday with real comfort and so thankful and peaceful. Still a prisoner, and obliged to give up thought of going to Mr. Riddle at Dundee on Thursday, I gratefully feel that I am much changed in these things, and can quietly hopefully say not my will, but thine be done. Lord, teach and help me to count all things small and little in comparison with thyself. Write thy law upon my heart. Let me supremely love and enjoy thee, and let all creatures be enjoyed in thee. It is thy blessing which gives the enjoyment of anything, God gives a heart to enjoy, else our possessions are only vanity and vexation of spirit. Without Thee, we cannot think, do, speak. It is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father that speaketh in you. Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt. We can only pray truly in the Holy Ghost. We cannot see, cannot hear, without the Spirit. Lord, teach me in all things, and help me continually to realize it. So, shall I be contented, thankful, looking only to the Lord and waiting only on Him? 18th October, Friday forenoon, feeble in body, bad influenza, but able to visit the sick yesterday and to walk out a little today. Very happy in the Lord who is literally loading me with benefits and making me ashamed of doubts and fears. It is the race week, but I am unable this year to do anything. The little book about the conference is published and selling well. I am not sure that I have ever felt a real solid sense of bodily weakness till now. There was always a feeling of latent strength which had only to be called out, and it would appear. It seems as if this did not exist now. So I fall back upon the Lord, assured that, as the days, so the strength. 20th October, Sabbath evening, help today in preaching and peaceful but still very weak. Help, Lord, in preparing for coming communion. Give suitably, seasonably, abundantly, both in body and soul. 22nd October, Tuesday. Have heard of good received from the Sermon of Sabbath. I feel encouraged and thankful. Met with a man who has long been doltish and stupid as if he had not a soul. He is now ill and appears awakened, and I trust really calling on the Lord. I have hope of another man, a stranger who seems dying. These things stir me up to hope for great blessing on the coming Sabbath, our communion. 30th October, Wednesday morning, the communion seemed a blessed time. I felt it helpful and strengthening. The Lord blesses and helps in various ways, but I am sensible that my head needs complete rest for a little, and I hope to get it. I think the Lord is drawing up and fixing my thoughts upon Himself, as on a center and focus. I trust this will go on, and that I shall be enabled to say, My heart is fixed. I have set the Lord always before me. He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. 1st November, Friday Last night was our special meeting of workers and seems to have been hearty and useful. The Lord seems to have guided and overruled, and I believe it will help to quicken, encourage, and knit together. It was a trial to be absent, but I saw the Lord's will in it, and I had a very peaceful night while B was at the meeting. Surely the Lord is teaching and training me." 11th November Bridge of Allen, Monday. We have been here since last Monday and have much enjoyed and been benefited by our stay. Both soul and body are better. We are very quiet, alone, very much with God, and hope to be more rooted, grounded, and settled than we have ever been. Many thoughts have been occurring and subjects opened up, and I trust the Spirit, a Remembrancer, will bring them seasonably back when they can be followed out and made useful. At any rate, it shows me what riches the Lord has to give. 23rd November. Home. We returned on Monday, better for a season of quiet and rest. The Lord seems to be blessing the flock. There have been some interesting meetings, and both minister and elders are hopeful. 27th December. Friday. I am still utterly weak and feeble. My head refuses to think fixedly and becomes confused and pained the moment I begin to urge it to act. There is no freshness or upspring. It seems dead, dry, useless. I suspect that this is going to be a longer and sore trial than I have yet suspected. The trial is increased by being in the midst of my usual work and yet absolutely incapable of taking part in it. My rest will begin when I am able to say, It is the Lord. He is taking His own way, and who could turn Him back? Who could wish to turn Him back? I would not, I do not. I want to be as clay in His hands, and I only ask strength and patience to resist the suggestions of the devil and the words or looks of ignorant, unsympathizing men. I am sure that God is dealing with me in kindness and leading me in a right way. Close my eyes and say, Lead, Lord. Let me leave off struggling and quietly accept the chastisement and the teaching. I have been delaying the blessing by my efforts to be what the world calls myself again. I believe the Lord means I should never be myself, and I am losing the desire to be myself again. I want to cease from the past and be a new creature, a new vessel, the handiwork, and, perhaps in some way yet, the glory of the Lord. I pray that I may be enabled to accept my dispensation, to sit still, be of no strength, be helpless, even though some will say it is sloth, self-indulgence. In all these journals, as in his letters, the single eye is manifest. He left home for one object. He went to India for one object. He lived in Calcutta for one object. He returned home for one object, and this one object shows itself in every page he writes. Toil, reproach, suffering, self-denial are nothing to him if he can serve Christ and win a soul. Power with God, whereby he may assail the fortresses of the evil one in that land of idols or in this land of worldliness, is what he seeks. And the life he lives, so high above the common rate and the common level, tells how thoroughly in earnest he is. He meddles with no politics. He mingles in no strife. He seeks no promotion. If he approaches the governor, it is to plead for missions. If he goes into a merchant's counting house, it is with his Bible in hand. If he sits down at the tables of the rich, which he but seldom does or at times joins their society, it is as Christ's minister. To win souls is his object, his passion, and to this everything must bend. He has got firm hold of the great Bible truth that salvation is his message, his mission, that everything short of this is failure, eternal failure. That necessity is laid upon him to deal with men personally about their immortal welfare, and hence he goes out and in as one believing all this. He goes into his closet and he comes out of it as one to whom life was nothing, save as the opportunity for serving the master and winning souls. He knows, too, that every soul won to God is not merely a sinner saved, but a citizen gained, a new element of peace and order and love infused into the constitution of the realm, a new security found against mutiny in India or lawlessness in England. Mutinies abroad may not be over. Revolution at home may not be far off. The dread of a dark future is coming down upon many who would rather not prophecy if they could help it. And the one hope for ourselves and for our children lies not in what men call progress or culture or the diffusion of science, but in the regeneration of individual souls by the power of the Holy Ghost. We dwell on this not simply because the power of the pulpit is a question of the day, but because both church and world have crossed the line of a new era and are passing into a new phase of thought and action. Materialism is in the ascendant, materialism either in the form of that rationalism which rejects the spiritual or of that ritualism which accepts the sensuous. The supernatural is pronounced incredible, and for this reason it is denied by skepticism and welcomed indiscriminately by superstition. The human is dislodging the divine, the visible, the invisible. The ministry of the Holy Ghost is being supplanted by the ministry of the human intellect. Formalisms and ritualisms, the one the embers of Judaism, the other the dregs of paganism, will not serve Satan's purpose much longer. They are repulsive to modern thought. They lack reality and robust manliness and coherent life. They are productive of no literature. They only emasculate and degrade. Yet man, instead of betaking himself to the one oracle of truth, is falling back upon his own intuitions. Upon that internal revelation, with which mysticism and infidelity are feeding his pride, and beguiling him away from the inspiration of prophets and apostles, the verifying faculty which Rome placed in the Church is now placed in the individual intellect, in both cases to the exclusion of the Scriptures and the rejection of the power of God. Jerichos are thrown down by ram's horns. Red seas are severed by a rod. Giants are slain by the sling and stone. So was it before the foolishness of the gospel that the gods of Greece and Rome fell down? A gospel not elaborated by Plato nor embellished by Demosthenes, but simply preached by one whose bodily presence was weak and his speech contemptible. The power to please may be found anywhere, but the power to seize the conscience and bring the sinner face to face with his own worthlessness and condemnation must be had where John Milne and William Burns and Robert McShane sought and found it. In simple faith and happy fellowship with God, the lightnings and thunderings and voices that are to shake the world must come out from the thrones Revelation 4, 5, and the illumination of the race must be from the seven lamps of fire burning before the throne. Revelation 4, 5. Other lights are sparks of human kindling, Isaiah 1, 11, and go out in darkness. Other voices are but a sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal. End of the Life of John Milne, Chapter 16. This audio was created with an artificial voice for the Audiobook Initiative on Sermon Audio. There may be mispronunciations or occasional repetitions. To report a mistake, please email us at info at sermonaudio.com and include the sermon ID or title of the message and the time at which the error occurs. We will do our best to get it corrected for future listeners.