The following diary is from William Claiborne Walton, 1793 to 1834. His youthful diary. Thus far we have given a consecutive sketch of the prominent features of the yearly character and the facts of the yearly life of Mr. Walton. But to those who love religious biography, it is both pleasant and profitable to enter into the bosom secrets of a mind that is in the daily habit of holding high confers with its author and redeemer. We wish to become more intimately acquainted with the thoughts of the pious. to participate in their exercises, to rejoice in their joy, to sympathize with their sorrow. In short, to tread with them the path of their pilgrimage, well as our own Christian poet has said, alternate sunshine. Bitter tears. Illuminer sat in the scene. Into the temple of the soul we desire to enter, and not satisfied with a view of the outer court, we would penetrate into its most holy recess, and there upon the altar of the broken heart contemplate its sacrifice which sends its sweet savor up to God. In a private journal kept by Walton at the age of eighteen, he thus writes, Sabbath day. December 29th, 1811. Upon a review of my past life, I can see nothing but a scene of rebellion and opposition to God. Sad marks of a depraved and corrupted heart. Be insensible that my remaining corruptions are painful, though not enough so. Such is inability to love God and Christ, to meditate on heavenly things with delight. I have not those heart-affecting, transforming, and humbling views of Christ that I wish to have. In fact, at times when I am reading of affectionate devotion, my corruptions are excited in opposition to my rational desire to live a life of holiness. If I know my own heart, I believe that holiness with the rest of the doctrines of Christianity is calculated to make us happy both now and forever. I cannot place my dependence and faith in Christ, nor plead for blessings for His sake, as I would wish, although my dependence is on free grace and mercy, for I am sensible that I can do nothing which would give me a title to the favor of God. Sometimes I have such views of the difficulties of living a holy life that they almost discourage me until I can exercise faith in God, although it is weak, hoping He will in due time enable me to exercise that faith on Christ, which works by love and purifies the heart. and many other corruptions such as envy, pride, and so on, all of which render me very weak. My resolutions I have hitherto made have proved also very weak. Therefore, hoping that God will strengthen me with blessings suited to my wants and build me up in the most holy faith. I shall enter into some resolutions respecting my future conduct, to which, as far as they are agreeable to His will, I trust that He will enable me to conform. Sabbath Day, December 29, 1811. I have cause for deep humiliation before God for the sins of this day, especially while at social prayer. So much vainglory and insincerity was considerably affected, but it did not arise from repentance and sorrow for sin. In fact, I am not confident what was the cause, but it started tears from my eyes. This also was an occasion of sin. I hope to be enabled and shall endeavor in future to pray at social meetings with more sincerity and be more solicitous to find acceptance with God than to please man, but my diffidence and corruptions are very disagreeable. Monday, December 30th, at night, this evening, prayed in Mr. Hogue's family. But oh, the coldness and insincerity of my heart! Oh, for a new creation, and a holiness, and the shedding abroad of Christ's love in my soul, that I might be enabled to serve Him in the beauty of holiness. Gracious Lord, my corruptions are great, but the work is thine. O grant that thy grace may be sufficient for me. I think I can discover my need of divine assistance more plainly than usual. I find that my resolutions are as weak as water without the assistance of God. I cannot lift up my soul to Him with that gratitude which His mercies deserve. In fact, I have not a deep sense of the greatness of His mercy. I find it difficult to exercise self-denial. I also discover so much corruption and sinfulness in myself. though I'm not sufficiently sensible of it, and my faith being weak at best, that it sometimes almost forsakes me. I cannot view in a proper light that fullness which is in Christ. Our praying society met this evening. I officiated, but my corruptions and diffidence combined to render me unable to pray with that fixedness of devotion that I ought. Oh, the invigorating and renewing influences of the Holy Spirit to enable me to offer to my God a more acceptable service through Jesus Christ. I think I've discovered more beauty in the Old Testament through the weak past and heretofore, and trust that the Lord will enlighten my mind to understand the Scriptures and make them sweet to my soul. SABBATH EVENING, JANUARY 19TH What account shall I give of myself? When corrupt as I am, I discover so many sins and imperfections. How must I appear in the sight of God, and yet how little humbled? My heart is so insensible, so cold, so ungrateful, notwithstanding the distinguishing goodness of God to me. Our society met this evening. My endeavoring to prepare for officiating together with my diffidence put me out of order. It seems that I cannot humbly rely on the assistance of God. Oh, for the influences of the Spirit of Grace to enable me to exercise proper affections towards my God and Redeemer, and to worship Him in spirit and truth, to be enabled sensibly to realize my dependence on Christ, and to approach the Father, relying on His merits alone. I was not called on this evening to pray, I think I plainly see that without the sanctifying and invigorating influences of the Holy Spirit, all my resolutions and attempts to live a holy life are vain. Sabbath evening, January 26th. I think I have a greater desire than usual of being sanctified and enabled to live near the Lord, of being enabled to see the goodness of the Lord to me in my unworthiness and to exercise gratitude. Oh, my pride, my corruptions, and my weakness! How unable am I to do anything meritorious! Even my prayers in the society and in the family are dreadfully corrupt. When I have a tolerable flow of words, this is an occasion of sin. Spiritual pride is excited in my diffidence, inexperience, and want of love and fear of God and warm affections towards Him render me very unable to perform this duty aright. SABBATH EVENING FEBRUARY 2nd No material change has taken place this past week. Still is my heart ungrateful, my affections cold, notwithstanding all the multiplied instances of the goodness of God to me. Oh, how hard is it for me to keep my heart in a proper frame throughout the day. When engaged in my studies, I am surrounded with temptations and do sensibly feel that without the grace of God I shall never be enabled to live spiritually minded, without which there is neither life nor real peace. But I trust I shall not despair. Though the Lord may delay long, as it is His free mercy alone which I plead, I think I can discover that my diffidence is wearing off in some measure. As I was not so much intimidated this evening while praying in the society, as commonly, but believe there was not much alteration as it respects my heart's engagingness in worship. Oh, when shall I experience the love of Christ shed abroad in my heart? Sabbath evening, February 9th On Friday morning last, about four o'clock, we experienced the shock of an earthquake so violent that the shaking of the house and beds awoke and alarmed me so much that I rose hastily and ran downstairs, looked up to the heavens, The thought of one day seeing my Savior come in the clouds immediately occurred to me. I scarcely knew my own feelings. I thought that if I should really see Him coming, that the idea of being separated from Him would be insupportable, and yet felt, and do feel, so much unworthiness that it seems impossible for me to apply His promises to myself. and rest upon them. I cannot come to God pleading and relying unreservedly on His atoning blood for pardon and acceptance, though I plead nothing but to free mercy of God and to be enabled to come in this way. I do not perfectly know my own feelings concerning the matter. I think today I felt my inability to believe unreservedly in Christ and to come in this way more sensibly than ever before. While reading Thomas Boston's Human Nature in its fourfold state, I feel my weakness more than my unworthiness. O pride, wilt thou never forsake me? What have I to be proud of? But alas, my past sins and present imperfections are, or should be sufficient to humble me, but my heart seems insensible, so little delighting in devotion. so cold and ungrateful towards my God and Savior, and so little concerned with the great interests of eternity. But I endeavor to put my trust in the promises of God, and await for the assistance of His grace. Dr. William Hogue preached an excellent sermon today, and this evening in the Society made some very edifying and comforting reflections, and I never saw any man pray equal to him. Oh, happy man, he appears to possess the most meekness of any man I ever saw. There was one reflection particularly which appeared to comfort me. It was this, if any person really wishes to go to heaven and makes use of proper means to get there, we have reason to believe that the mercy of God will be sufficient for him. Sabbath evening, February 16th. I think I've lately had a clearer view of the hardness of my heart, and my inability to do anything to divine acceptance, and of my absolute dependence on grace to sanctify my nature, to give me a tender heart, heavenly affections, and to preserve me from final impenitency than usual. My heart seems so surprisingly insensible and cold towards my Almighty Benefactor, so destitute of heavenly affections, so unable to meditate profitably to realize eternal things, have not as yet been favored with any uncommon views of the fullness of Christ. and am so unable to apply his merits to myself and place all dependence on them. In short, I am completely dependent on the free grace of God to make me a Christian indeed. SABBATH EVENING FEBRUARY 23, 1812 IN READING THOMAS BOSTON'S HUMAN NATURE IN ITS FOUR-FOLD STATE, I HAVE BEEN LED TO DOUBT WHETHER OR NOT I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED A SAVING CHANGE, THE HARDNESS AND INGRATITUDE OF MY HEART. ignorance of God, of the fullness that is in Jesus Christ, and of my guilt, all these things serve to disquiet me, though I seem to be strangely inattentive and unimpressed with the vast concerns of eternity, though at times the difficulties that lie in the way of becoming a real Christian appear formidable. when I feel my inability to do anything good, yet I endeavor to commit my soul to the Lord and to wait in the use of the appointed means for the accomplishment of His promises to me. Tuesday, March 24th In reading a treatise of Thomas Scott's concerning the nature of repentance, regeneration, and so on, my mind was considerably relieved at those discriding doubts and fears about my spiritual state. The principal cause of my remaining doubts are the scanty views I have of the odiousness of sin, the little hatred of it, and little love of holiness, and I fear that I have not sufficiently seen my need of Christ, nor the excellency of His character, and that He is not sufficiently precious to me, and it seems so difficult for me to rely as entirely as I ought on Him for salvation and acceptance. On Sunday evening last I had an awful view of the danger of unconverted sinners and feel very solicitous to be guided in the path of salvation. To be preserved from deceiving myself I'm from being hardened. Editors note, by thus consulting the simple record of his early experience, we shall better be able, when brought to the conclusion of his earthly career, to compare the slender attainments of the babe in Christ with the abundant acquisitions and finish character of him who has come to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ. and thus prove that the path of the just is as a shining light that shines more and more unto the perfect day. End quote. Diary. Sabbath evening, May 31st. Last Wednesday week, I went to Mr. L's. Nearly all the time that I was there, they had company. Much levity, indeed, was in all the conversation of this company. They were very wealthy. Such company was very unfavorable to me, whose disposition is naturally so proud. It really seemed as if I was more solicitous to make a good appearance before them, especially to appear smart, than to please God, or seek pleasure in Him, notwithstanding my aggravated transgressions through the mercy of God. I arrived safe home on Thursday last. My affections have been very cold at times since, and I hope that it will teach me in future to keep a strict watch over my heart, go where I may, for it is only acting cruelly to myself to neglect it. Editors note. The resolution of the psalmist is too little heeded by Christians. I will take heed to my ways that I sin not with my tongue. I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me. The precept should never be forgotten to walk in wisdom towards them that are without. Sabbath June 28. Fruit being plenty, I have several times largely indulged myself too much in eating it, and thereby my mind has been perplexed. I am more and more convinced that my own reason and resolution are altogether insufficient to resist temptation, and without the aid of the Divine Spirit to qualify me for the duties of life. For the ministry I am undone. I have so many temptations and fallen to so many sins that I fear I shall bring injury to the cause of religion. The time of the Christian pilgrim's sojourn must indeed be passed in fear, and whether he eats or drinks, whatever he doeth, he shall do all to the glory of God. Sabbath, July 19th. Last Sabbath week I had not prepared for our praying society, but while I was praying my affections became excited to as great a degree as they ever were on a sacramental occasion. At first I gave way to them a little, but they soon became so violent. that when I wished to restrain them I could not do it. I cannot but hope it was of some advantage to me, although I believe they were not produced by a deep sense of sin or great love to God. But for some time before I had been cold and insensible, and that evening had been out at prayer in the woods, and was there somewhat affected by reflecting on my coldness, my sins, and the little degree of vital religion that I seemed to possess, which I hope stirred me up a little. But notwithstanding the height of my affections, while at prayer my heart was surprisingly disengaged, as is usually the case with me when I pray in public. It has doubtless been said that the experience here recorded is that of a young Christian, whose heart needed yet to be established with grace, whose Christian character was indeed in a forming state." Diary. Sabbath, August 2nd. Last Thursday I observed a fast appointed by the General Assembly. It was the first time I ever fasted on a day appointed by myself for the Church, but I've sometimes denied myself the ordinary meals. However, such is the advantage that I think I derive from these exercises. especially self-examination, that I intend, with divine assistance, to observe these duties in future, at least once in two months. Rebellious and proud thoughts very seldom arise in my heart now, when I read or think of the humility of Christ and his character while on earth. But I hope I begin to see more of His Excellency and that my soul has generally been in a better frame for a short time past than ever before for the same length of time. Sabbath Day, August 23, 1812 Last Sabbath I received a sacrament at Briary. I had a comforting view of the free mercies of God and Christ, and though at one time I felt the love of Christ constraining me to forsake, sin, but I've never felt so deep a sense of my guilt and of the exceeding sinfulness of sin as I wish to feel. I'm still surrounded by temptations and it seems as if my resolutions were of no account whatever. Editor, he alludes to the fact of the abundance of fruit that year, his own fondness for it, and the danger to which he was exposed of exceeding the bounds of moderation. Upon the subject he seems to have been very sensitive." November 1st. While I was on a visit to my brothers, a considerable part of the time my mind was in an uncomfortable state. I was remiss, and temptations assailed me almost continually. My sins and shortcomings were numerous. But when the day arrived for the administration of the sacrament at Richmond, I felt in a considerable degree my weakness, unworthiness, and dependence on divine grace. And I trust it was a profitable communion to me, and also that at Goochland. Blessed be God! I trust He has not forsaken me. I feel now somewhat quickened and enjoy a more comfortable hope of an interesting Christ than ever I have before. Editor's Note The preceding extracts will afford the reader some idea of the general state of our friend's mind in this early period of his religious experience. He seems to have toiled along amid many doubts and fears, yet still resolved to press toward a heavenly mark, and without much assistance from Christian friends, or much new light poured into his mind. to have been silently preparing for future usefulness. Occasionally, too, he endeavored to do good to those around him. Under the date of January 17, 1813, he speaks of a society formed for the education of the blacks. in which he exhorted, though embarrassed, by the presence of the whites. It was very natural for him to take so exalted and impressive a theme, as added in the 27th chapter of Matthew, in reference to which he says that he expatiated on the sufferings of Christ, which is the subject that first roused his attention to religion, adding with solemn emphasis, it is difficult. to fill the worth of the soul. The following week, in company with two friends, he attended a meeting at Buffalo Meeting House, where there was some special attention to religion. About twenty-five had professed to be converted. All three of us exhorted, but I think it was a little imprudent to attempt it before such a large audience. some well-informed even, when I was not prepared. I hope, however, I've been much benefited by going up. My desires for a revival of religion have considerably increased. I think I exercise faith and prayer for it, if ever I did before. March 23rd. Several days ago I was greatly troubled with vain and sinful thoughts, even in time of worship. This continued about two or three days, until one evening I prayed earnestly to be delivered from them, and to be enabled to meditate to advantage. In a short time I felt a sense of all deliverance and change. My mind became more fixed and composed, and I have since enjoyed more liberty in prayer. Since I embrace religion, my mind has been often much harassed and perplexed about eating. Not long since, this is the case, and my affections appear to be in too great a degree placed on the enjoyments of the world. But I trust I have been to some degree delivered from this evil. Editors note, this thought is worthy of serious consideration. There is even in the church less of the subjugation of the appetite than may be supposed. If some good men do not live to eat, they eat more than is necessary to live in comfort, health, and usefulness. The Celebrated Epigram, composed by Philip Dodred, and praise by Johnson will here occur to the mind of the reader. Quote, perhaps a stronger expression than most men dig their graves with their teeth has in it more of truth and less of hyperbole than is imagined. How many men have clouded their intellect, debilitated their energies, impaired their spirituality and abridged their usefulness by too free indulgence in the pleasures of the table. If William Walton's temptation arose from this quarter, it was met with promptitude and resisted with success. For during all my acquaintance with him, he seemed peculiarly epstemious and disliked to be subjected to the inflictions of that politeness which is continually urging you to take a little more. Saturday evening, April 23rd. I have this day paid considerable attention to self-examination. during the course of which sometimes very uncomfortable doubts would arise, which proceeded, I believe, principally from the scantiness of my views of the evil and desert of sin, of the sincerity and depth of my repentance. I think I do feel a desire to be delivered from all sin. and be devoted unreservedly to him who died. Poor me! Just before I commence writing this, I felt and do still feel as if I should have taken great pleasure to be with Christ, as his apostles were, and hear him converse, notwithstanding his destitute situation. June 13. While on my visit to Winchester, I was in an almost continual conflict with temptation. Never that I know of had I to struggle so much against pride and vanity. There were many things calculated to excite the emotions in a corrupt heart, and I yielded too much to them. How did the company and the business I had to perform unfit me for devotion and banish at times the thoughts of God and religion from my mind? How astonishing is the mercy of God, that He has not entirely left me to perish in my sins. But thanks be to His name, that I have reason to believe He is still with me. For on my return I was powerfully tempted several times to unchastity. But He, in His infinite mercy, enabled me to overcome these temptations. After discovering to me that I had been left to myself, I should have been overcome. I fear I've lately been making too much provision for the flesh to fulfill the lust thereof, that I've not observed that economy which a person in my situation should do, and that this will make a bad impression on the minds of some of my Christian acquaintances. Alas, I've been too vain of my external appearance. May God in His infinite mercy give me grace to direct me how to act in heart, to act as becomes a disciple of Jesus Christ, who would not reiterate this prayer for himself. July 10th. Not long since, I learned that my first attempt to exhort had been blessed in the awakening of one or two people. One has already obtained a good hope, and the other is in a very good way. They were Mr. D's daughters, one of whom gave me this account. She said that she had danced part of the way, as she was going to Mr. Baker's, where the society was held, and was as careless as any person ever could be. Oh, that I could feel thankful to God for this instance of His goodness to me. I certainly do not feel as I ought my absolute dependence on the blessing of God. to enable me to do any good. The subject on which I spoke was the sufferings of Christ, which was blessed to the awakening of my poor soul. July 24. Last Saturday I went up to Bluestone Meeting House in Mecklenburg, where there was to be a sacrament. On the next day, the evening on which I arrived in the neighborhood, I exhorted, felt no intimidation after commencing, and spoke with considerable freedom and ease. After I was done, an aged Christian, 91 years of age, came to me deeply affected and blessed me, which seemed to me like a patriarchal blessing. The next morning I was very much engaged in prayer. I shed tears freely and I went to the church. No minister except Mr. Currie, though Mr. S. D. Hogue was expected. After rising from the table, Mr. Currie requested me to exhort. And for the first time in my life, I ascended the pulpit. There was a large audience, many of whom were among the most wealthy, respectable, and enlightened people in the county. I felt not the least intimidated, spoke with greater ease than ever I did before in my life. was uncommonly animated, and words and ideas seemed to flow without any difficulty. I am persuaded that I received assistance from above, and have endeavored to give the glory to God, and since then I have felt more grateful to God than I believe I ever did before. The people who before had been talking in a very unbecoming manner now seemed all attention. My address was very unexpected and the attention of the people was excited considerably. I hope I did with the blessing of God some good both by speaking and by my example to the young people, of whom there were many, for I believe I was the only young person who communed. Both before and afterwards I received many marks of esteem and friendship from the people. and was requested to go up there again, but I could not promise. Sabbath evening, August 30th. For two or three days past, I have felt at times very insensible. I have endeavored to pray in this state of mind, but it would be some time before I could get engaged. Could find no enlargement, no access to God. But after continuing at prayer for some time, my heart would be touched, and the conclusion would be quite encouraging. and it would end in tears, but I have deserved to be abandoned by the Holy Spirit. My prayers in the family are too formal. I can scarcely ever feel as I ought. I know it is a privilege that I am permitted to pray in the family, but alas, it still appears to be a cross, though not as much so as formerly. Oh, when will God quicken my lifeless soul? Monday morning, September 14th. Well, the four days meeting is over, and I believe on the whole it has been profitable to me. But should God enter into judgment with me for my sins and shortcomings, I must perish. The pride of my heart is great, and I have a great propensity to desire the applause of my fellow creatures. But it affords me satisfaction to fill a disposition to resist this proud and vain glory. When I seriously reflect, I see that I am an unworthy creature, and that I am indebted to God for all that I am and have. But how violently am I tempted sometimes? I am also troubled very much with spiritual pride, wishing others to think me very pious. Often have I tried to shed tears when I was not much affected, partly because it is agreeable to me when I see others affected, and partly that others might see that I was affected. My corruptions are many and strong, but I think I sincerely desire to be delivered from them. They cause me so much uneasiness. September 23rd. When called on to pray in public, I find in me too great a solicitude to make handsome prayers, and not much to have my heart engaged as it ought to be. But reflecting on this afterwards causes me much pain and sorrow. Nothing but divine grace can deliver me from my pride, vanity, and love of the flaws of the world, and enable me to exhort and preach with a single eye to His glory and the good of souls.