Father God, we pray for wisdom as we open your word this morning. We desire to know what you have to say about marriage religion. We desire your insight and your wisdom. Most of all, Father, we desire that your spirit would cause us to submit to your word. There are issues of pride here this morning. There are issues in our own lives that would cause us possibly to reject your word, cause us to understand, Father, that you are the God who wrote this book. It is inspired, God-breathed, and we can do nothing but submit ourselves to it. Through your work in us this morning, Father, we ask in Christ's name, amen. Pat and Jill Williams were not an unusual couple in many respects. They were having severe marital difficulties. They held that in common with many other couples. They were uncommon in one respect in that they were both exceptionally high achieving and successful. Pat was the general manager of several NBA teams. He's currently part owner of the Orlando Magic. He's a motivator, he's an organizer, he's one of the best at what he does. Jill was a beauty queen and a successful musician and entertainer. They were, from all you could see on the outside, a glamorous and successful couple. But their relationship was falling apart. It was about to crack. Jill had experienced lengthy and deep depression, and she had left. She claimed the marriage was hopeless. That left Pat shattered, forced his life ground to a halt, and yet God was working even in this. The fact that they were professing Christians didn't do anything to exempt them from this. The fact that they would go out and Pat would speak at various conferences and to different Christian groups didn't exempt them from problems in their relationship. It can happen to any couple if they don't follow biblical prescriptions for marriage. Ever since Adam and Eve, spousal roles have been less than perfect. OK, so your marriage isn't perfect. Neither is mine. Most of it, my fault. I will admit it. And my wife will attest to it. The question is not whether or not our marriages are perfect. The question is, what are we going to do about it? Some will take the cowardly way out and say, I'm out of here. It's over. I'm tired of this. Others will seek counseling, and they will work on and try to heal things and restore things. Most people have ordinary problems in their marriage, and they need solutions to those ordinary problems. Every Christian should want to know God's ways and seek to follow after Him. And if we would do that, then our marriages would be healthier. and stronger, and we would be growing in relationship to one another and in our relationship to God. Genesis chapter 2 tells us of the origin of marriage. Let's go back and take a look at this as we begin to look at the scripture this morning. Genesis chapter 2, right back at the very beginning. And we can see in Genesis chapter 2 the origin of these roles before the fall, before sin enters into the picture. Paul says that wives are to subject themselves or submit themselves to their husbands, and that husbands are to love their wives. This isn't something that came about as a result of sin. It came about before sin. God established these roles at the very beginning. Look with me. Verse 8 of chapter 2. And the Lord God planted a garden toward the east in Eden, and there he placed a man whom he had formed. And out of the ground the Lord caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food, the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Now a river flowed out of Eden to water the garden, and from there it divided and became four rivers. The name of the first, Pishon, it flows around the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold. And the gold of that land is good. The delium and the onyx stone are there. And the name of the second river is Gihon. It flows around the whole land of Cush. And the name of the third river is Tigris. It flows east of Assyria. And the fourth river is the Euphrates. Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, from any tree of the garden you may freely eat, but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you shall surely die. Then the Lord God said, it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called the living creature, that was its name. And the man gave names to all the cattle and to the birds of the sky and every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on the man, and he slept. Then he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which he had taken from the man and brought her to the man. The man said, this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. For this cause, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and not ashamed. Now, the first thing we see here in Genesis chapter two is that God ordained marriage prior to the Immediately, we learn that marriage is not some cosmetic band-aid put on the male-female relationship to hold them together because of what sin had done. Marriage is instituted prior to sin entering the picture. Now that's important. It's important for the roles that God has assigned to men and women in the marriage relationship. It is important to know that these roles are not an afterthought. They are not the result of sin entering the picture. You'll remember that when Adam sinned, God came along and said, there are a couple things that are going to be happening now because of your sin. And he laid down something. Women, you're going to have pain and childbirth. Guys, you are going to be working the fields and weeds and thistles are going to grow up and you're going to have a horrible time farming this land now. This is some of the result of sin. Satan, you are going to be slithering along on your belly. You're eating dust. And you're going to bruise the heel of the Son of Man. but he will bring you on your head. And there was these curses that came about as a result of the fall. Now, we go to pain in childbirth, and we don't say that because of sin, God ordained that women should give birth in pain, we're not going to take any medication. I don't want painkillers. I want to experience all of this because of sin. No, we try. to alleviate it. Give me the shot. Give me every drug you have. Farmers don't deal. In your garden, you don't say, well, because of sin, I'm not going to put any of that black paper down around there to keep the weeds out. I'm not going to use any of the chemicals to kill the weeds and so forth. No, we do everything we can to alleviate the consequences of sin. The roles of men and women do not fall into that category. It is not something that needs to be alleviated. It is not something which we need to push aside in order to get back to the ideal that God had established. The ideal that God established is for men and women to relate to one another in a headship relationship. Come back and let's look again at what God tells Adam as we go through this passage. Adam comes and Adam needs someone because he's alone. And so God has him name all the animals. God brings all the wildlife before Adam to see what he would name them. And Adam classifies the species. He affixes verbal symbols to them. And in the midst of this, Adam realizes, as God wanted him to, and that's why he did this, that there was no other species exactly like him. And so God puts Adam to sleep, creates Eve out of his rib, And he brings a single female before the male. And Adam sees her and realizes that this is good. This one's different than all these other things that have been marched before him. I like this. She walks upright. This is good. She's covered with nice, soft flesh like I am. I'm going to call her Woman. Now that's the context of first marriage, and that's the foundation for the family. It's created and designed by God to meet the need of His creation. And with this background, the scripture says, for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh. Then, even as the fall occurs, these basic aspects of the family don't change. They're to last as long as the race does. Now, look with me how chapter 2 ends. That man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. Everything was perfect. Everything was as it should be. Here was Adam, but Adam needed something. What did he need? God calls her a helper. A helpmeet. That's what he needed, and God provides that. And everything is good. There's no shame. There's no guilt. Everything in creation is perfect at this point. God's creatures are happy and righteous and shameless. But now quickly drop down to chapter 3 and verse 7. All of a sudden, something new appears. Adam and Eve have just sinned, and now shame is present. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked, and they sewed spig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings. The actuality and the principle of sin has now entered the universe, and everything is going to be different from now on. Drop down to verse 17. Let me point out to you the origin of nearly every marital problem. Then to Adam God said, because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying you shall not eat from it, curse it as the ground because of you. In toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life. Now, none of this existed before the fall. But now, after the fall, we have shame, we have blame, right? Come back up. The Lord God called to the man in verse 9 and said, where are you? And he said, I heard the sound of thee walking in the garden. I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself. And he said, who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree which I commanded you not to eat? And the man said, she did it. It's this woman that you gave me. She gave me from the tree, and I ate. And so now we have shame, and we have blame. The man says, it's her, and if you really want to get down to the root of the problem, God, it's you, because you're the one who gave her to me. And there is guilt, and there is lying, and there is cover-up, and there is fear. All psychological and relational maladies started with the entrance of sin into the world. And the introduction of sin also has grave effect on the male and female relationships. There are two aspects to this curse. One is physical, and one's emotional. For the woman, verse 16, he says, I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth. There's a physical pain the woman is now going to receive in childbirth. And along with the woman now receiving pain in childbirth, there's also another lasting consequence. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." Now, what is in view here with this desire? It's akin to the desire to possess or to control. And such a desire, as has manifested itself down through history, stems back to this moment in time. It includes this idea of controlling, in which a wife wants to bend the husband to her way of thinking, to convince him to do things contrary to his judgment. Ever since Eve, her desire has been to rule him, and yet that desire will be unfulfilled, and it will become a source of marital strife. At the end of this section of cursing, not only is the woman cursed, but Satan and Adam too. Satan is double-cursed with physical pain of crawling around on the earth, on his belly all his days, and inwardly cursed by the defeat that Jesus will bring to him. He will crush his head, while the serpent will only bruise his heel. That happened on the cross. Now you notice that God is not somehow unfair, only picking on women. There's a two-fold curse reserved for the man as well. The man is cursed, and at the most important arena to him, his world of work and productivity and achievement, is cursed. It is no longer going to be satisfactory. It's no longer going to be pleasing to him. He will now work by the sweat of his brow. That's the outward part. But notice also, Adam's curse is related to the issue of having listened to his wife. Verse 17, to Adam he said, because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying you shall not eat from it, curse it. And off we go. I believe that this is a warning not to have the head of the household dominated by his wife. You don't hear a whole lot of that. It doesn't go over very well in the 21st century United States. But it's here. It's the word of God. And I would rather submit to the word of God than to what the world is telling me is right when it contradicts it. This was a case of mistaken reversal. God gives husbands wives to be their counselors and to be their helpers, but not to take over their leadership responsibilities. Adam and husbands are warned not to leave everything up to their wives, not to abdicate their responsibility for headship in their marriage. Instead, they are to think, and they are to decide, and they are to lead. The husband is portrayed in scripture as the one who has the same kind of ministry in his family that Christ does in his church. That is, the husband is to be the prophet and the priest and the king in those kinds of ministries within the home. The wife is not to be in charge. The wife is not to take on the leadership role in the family. She certainly is not to take his place and to make spiritual decisions. The husband is seen as the one who is to raise up his family in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The husband is responsible. for the discipleship of his wife and of children, and for determining their spiritual direction, whether it be what church to go to, or how they will teach their children in their family and raise them up according to the scriptures. And men, if you provide excellent leadership, your wives will not try to replace you, if they're godly wives. if they're wives that desire to submit themselves to the scriptures and to Christ. And if your wife has been running the family, then agree with God that today that's going to change. See, a lot of men just don't want to deal with it. They'd rather abdicate the responsibility. Many wives would love their husbands to take the leadership role in their family. But the husband, he just wants to go to work and come home and sit down on the couch and watch TV and go to bed. Your responsibility is much more than that. And the result is that both Adam and Eve are now enslaved. Externally, things are worse, and internally, things are worse. The fall affects marriages, and it affects them seriously. The problem with marriages is sin. The problem with marriages is everybody wanting what they can get out of it, and thinking that they are wise enough to determine how they are to behave within their particular relationship, disregarding what God has said. Jesus himself refers back to Genesis chapter 2, and he quotes these words exactly. They're also quoted in Ephesians 5. Let's go over to Ephesians 5. Ephesians 5 says the same thing that Colossians 3 says, only more. The same author, Paul, wrote both passages. And in Ephesians chapter 5, Paul is writing and saying the same thing. Wives, be subject to your husbands. Husbands, love your wives. But he fleshes it out quite a bit. So let's take a look at this. Let's look at wives first. His wives are addressed first. Your responsibility, wives, is very compact. You only have two clear duties, to submit and respect your husband. Verse 22. Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Now, again, this is not a popular thing in this age of equal rights. And you don't even hear that much about this in the church. We have had a pendulum swing happen in the church. There was a time when all you would hear about is women subjecting themselves to their husbands. And then things would just kind of stop. And the husbands would just be forgotten about. That doesn't happen anymore. Now the pendulum has gone all the way to the other side. And all you seem to hear about now is the responsibility of husbands. Now, that's good. And there should be a lot said about that. And I'm going to say a lot about that. But we can't skip over the responsibility that is set down for the wife either. because then we have an imbalance. That gives us a problem, too. And as I'm preparing for this, I'm looking through all of these commentaries and all of these books, virtually nothing is said about the responsibility of the wife. It's like everybody is terrified that they're going to be looked upon as some kind of ogre, as insensitive, or as contributing to spousal abuse, if they come and they deal with what the text says. But we can't do that. The word of God is the word of God. And the word of God says, wives, be subject to your husbands. There's no honest way to tone down that word. You can't get around it. Some will come and say, well, the text says, wives, submit to your husbands. But it's not really as bad as it sounds. Well, it's not bad. It's the Word of God, and it's good. But it is exactly how it sounds. Wives, submit to your husbands. There's got to be some kind of order within the family. And God has decreed from the very beginning that the order in the family will be like the order that comes in the Trinity And in the church, in the Trinity, you have equals. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. But there is a hierarchy. The Son came in submission to the Father. And when the Son came, he said, I will do anything except that which the Father tells me to do. Now, is the Son? In his being any different or less than the father? No. They are completely equal. They are completely God. And yet, the son places himself into a role of subjection to the father during his incarnation, during his earthiness. And that's what is called for in marriage. Women and men are not unequal in who they are. Women are not less than men. Men are not smarter than women. Trust me. Men are not more capable of doing things than women. But that has nothing to do with it. God has decreed there has got to be an order. And just as there is order in the Trinity, there is order in the family. And God has said, men, you are responsible. And let me tell you something, responsibility is not always a good thing. We go back to Genesis 2 again. We go back to Genesis 3, the fall. Who is the first one to eat the forbidden fruit? It's the woman. It's Eve. You come to Romans chapter 5, and who is the one upon whom all the blame is laid for the fall of the race? It's Adam. because he was responsible for exercising leadership in that relationship, and he abdicated it. So even though Eve was the first one to eat the fruit, Adam was responsible, because he was standing there as the serpent came to Eve, and when the serpent tempted Eve and Eve reached for the fruit, he stood there and did nothing. He abdicated his responsibility, and God held him accountable. And so in Romans 5, Adam is seen as the one who sinned and caused the fall of the race, even though Eve is the first one that takes the fruit. Women, wives, submit to your own husbands. That's what it says. You have a choice, ladies. You can either follow the world, and you can strive against your husband to cling on to your rights and to get what you want and what you think is best, or you can choose to be a disciple of Christ and be obedient to his word. You can't do both. They're at loggerhead. Let's try to get something more of this meaning of what submission is and subjection. It may help to locate this word between two others that are similar but not identical in meaning. There's also this scriptural idea of obeying. Many obey with a spirit of hatred. And this is a problem in many families as well. And in other relationships, we obey a ruler, an authority, we have a poor attitude. Your children do this. They'll do what you say, but it's grudging. They're not doing it out of joy. They're not doing it out of respect for you. Submitting is different. To submit is to obey without this necessary reference to a disagreement. We trust that our superior is qualified to make good judgments, and we know that we can turn things over to him. It's a step more than obeying, but still more advanced is to honor or to respect. And that is both to obey and to have a positive attitude about it all. We're going to do this wholeheartedly. For the wife to say, honey, I'm submitting, but this is a totally dumb idea, is not submitting. It's nagging. God calls you to submit, and he means what he says. You should respect your husband enough to allow him to use his judgment. If he thinks your family will thrive in one spiritual environment, then to undercut him or outright oppose him is a sin against God. Because God tells you to subject yourself to him. It is a sin against God's order. Submission may be hard, but this requires maturity. You submit to God or you don't. You always try to have your way, unless it's in minor matters. Those who do not submit to their husbands show that they do not submit to God. You can't have it both ways. You cannot refuse to submit to your husband and still think you're submitting to God if God tells you to submit to God. Again, there's no way around it. Verse 32. This mystery is great, but I'm speaking with reference to Christ in the church. Nevertheless, let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself, and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband." This is not only to be done out of obligation. You need to develop a genuine respect for your husband, to see that he is what God has given you. and respect that sovereign decision of God. If you are married today, then you are married to the one whom God in his sovereignty has placed you with. And you need to respect that decision, and you need to respect the one that he has bound you to. Not because love is blind. Love is far from blind. G. T. Chesterton said, love is not blind. That's the last thing it is. Love is bound. And the more it is bound, the less it is born. Now, this same thing is taught consistently throughout the New Testament. There is no deviation from the pattern. Come back to Colossians chapter 3, verse 18 and 19, and you see the same thing that Paul fleshes out in Ephesians. Remember this passage. that we started out with. Wives, be subject to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. There's a qualification there. Be subject to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Now there's two things that Paul's trying to get across when he says that. Number one, it is fitting in the Lord that you be subject to your husbands. So do it. Because the Lord has said so. But also, it speaks of the manner in which you are subject to him. Be subject to your husband in a way that is fitting in the Lord. Part of that is what we've just spoken about, doing it wholeheartedly, not reserving your judgments, not second-guessing. But another thing is this. You are to be in subjection to your husband as it is fitting in the Lord, meaning that you subject yourself to him unless he calls you to do something which is contrary to the law of God. That's where the line is drawn. We serve God rather than man. And if the decision comes down to that, then ladies, you tell your husband, I'm sorry. I want to subject myself to you. I want to do what God tells me to do in my relationship with you. But in this case, I have to make a choice. and my choice is to obey God rather than him. Husbands? Let's come back to Ephesians. Ephesians 5. A couple of questions that are raised here in Ephesians chapter 5. What are the husband's duties? What model is the basis for the husband's duties? What's the goal of the husband's love? The husband has several clear commands coming out of Ephesians chapter 5. If we focus on the verbs, we'll have a better clue as to what these commands are. There are four duties mentioned. Love your wives, verse 25. Just as Christ loved the church, there is a lot there. It is infinite in one sense, and only on a small scale can be duplicated by us. Jesus loved the church from eternity. It was not a last minute thought, nor it was a thought alone. Each of us who is part of the church knows the love that Christ has for us. The love which Christ has for the church is that which moved him into action, which drove him to the cross, He doesn't act for the church apart from his love for her. The great love of Christ is higher and greater and deeper than any human love can demonstrate. But husbands are to try. Husbands are to do all they can to demonstrate to their wives the kind of love that Christ bestowed upon the church. And that love led to a specific action. What's the second thing we see here? That Christ loved the church so much that he gave himself for her. Verse 25, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Husbands are to love their wives sacrificially. That's what Christ did on the cross. He gave his very life for the church. Husbands, you are called to sacrifice yourselves for your wife. That does not mean that this only comes into play when the train is roaring down the track and your wife is standing there in the middle of it. And you're going to push her out of the way and let the train hit you. This means that every day of your life, which is much harder than this momentary burst of glory, you are going to sacrifice your own desires and your own wants and your own needs for those of your wife. That's what loving your wife as Christ loved the church means. You're going to give up for her. You're going to sacrifice for her. You're going to surrender for her. Look at what Christ gave up. Every day we're called to sacrifice on an ongoing basis. And not only things, but ourselves. Christ gave himself up for her. And men, we are to give ourselves up for our wives. Third thing that husbands are to do, we are to aim at making our wives holy, cleansing them with the washing of water through the word. Look at verse 26. The reason Christ gave himself up for her was so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word. And men, this is where your responsibility as the spiritual leader of the home comes in. You are responsible for the spiritual growth of your family. You are responsible to see that your wife is growing in the grace of God. When the text says that Christ gave himself up for her that he might sanctify her, it means that one of the byproducts of the crucifixion, of the atonement, is that Christ is going to make his church holy. And he is in the process of doing that in the lives of each one who belongs to him. Along those lines, the husband is to play an active role in the spiritual formation of his wife and his children. That is our responsibility. God calls us to love and to lay down our lives and to do whatever it takes to reach that target. To see that our wives are spiritually holy and clean and washed and completed. That calls for a lot. That means you have to know where you're leading them. You have to be in the Word. You have to have a vibrant, active, growing relationship with God so that you men can lead your wives to that same place. That's your responsibility. The fourth clear duty is to feed and care for our wives. Verse 29, no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. And this refers to the range of physical needs and concerns. We are not to give merely spiritual care, but the whole range of care. We are to care for our wives and feed them, both physically and emotionally and spiritually. Every aspect of our wives' well-being falls upon us. And we are to do all of these things based on the model of Christ. Now, there are a number of different ways to express this kind of love. One, obviously, is to say it. And don't take that for granted, men. Your wives need to hear it. They need to hear from your lips, I love you. And they need to hear it said sincerely. Here are 10 ways that husbands can say, I love you, in action as well. And it's up to you men to find ways to accomplish these things. One, provide your wife with some time away from home. She needs a break. Sacrifice yourself. Give of yourself so she can get away. You stay home and you take care of the kids after a long, hard day at work. I know, we all work hard. So does your wife. And she needs to get away. Provide for that. Provide your wife with some time off in the home. You need to be doing the chores. You need to be taking care of babies. I hear some men can even cook supper every now and then without burning things too badly. These things are possible. Love your wife by supporting her decisions with the kids. Don't undercut her. When the kid comes running to you and says, Daddy, Daddy, can I do this? Mommy said I couldn't. Don't say, yeah, yeah, it's okay, go ahead. You say, if Mom said you can't, then you can't, and don't come and ask me again once your mother has told you something. You support your wife's decisions. Give your wife a gift for no apparent reason. It will go a long way. Praise your wife. And do it publicly. Let other people know that you appreciate her. On the flip side of that, be silent about her shortcomings. But she has any. If you're brave enough to say anything about it. Don't. Love your wife by giving her the means to care for the home. Find your wife's strong points. and benefit from them. She is your helper. That's why God gave men wives. Use her that way. She wants to be used that way. Keep arguments with your wife private. Never belittle your wife in front of your kids. You want to make your kids really insecure? Argue with your wife. Give them cause to doubt whether you and your wife are going to stay together. If you want to have happy, well-adjusted kids, make sure they know that you love them, and make sure they know that nothing's going to change. Make sure they know she's your priority, even over them, and your kids will flourish. Put your wife first above all priorities except God. Make her number one, and she will make you number one. Now, what's the goal of the husband's love? We touched back on it back in verses 26 and 27. It's to make our wives all that Christ wants them to be, radiant and holy, without blemish, blameless. Come back to Colossians 3, verse 19. Again, there's one thing that Paul brings out in Colossians that isn't touched on elsewhere. Colossians 3.19, Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them. This is the part when people who want to criticize what the Bible has to say about the roles of men and women, they always neglect this part. People will come out and say, well, yeah, the Bible, that teaches that men are allowed to abuse their wives, and it's no problem. Wrong. Love your wives and do not be embittered against them. Take everything that we saw in Ephesians 5 and throw it into that phrase. If you're doing what Ephesians 5 tells you, you will not be able to be embittered against her. If your first priority is her, and her care and concern, her spiritual growth, and you will not be embittered against her. You will be seeking ways to love her and to grow closer to her and to fulfill your responsibility as a Christian husband. Let me return to something I touched on earlier and tell you about a family that's doing some of this. Pat Williams and his family are still together. In 1986, they had six children. That number grew to 18. They adopted more than a dozen. His wife's desires are met. They have a strong testimony. His family is now through a rekindled marriage, giving radiant testimony to the life-changing power of Christ and of God's design for the family. And they will testify. to the fact that when they began to implement the standards that God has set down for husbands and wives, it revolutionized their lives. Samuel Johnson said, to be happy at home is the end of all human endeavor. I wouldn't go that far. The glory of God should be the end of all human endeavor. But part of the glory of God is having a happy home. husbands and wives ministering to one another, meeting each other's needs, and doing what God commanded them to do. If that's the kind of home that you desire, then both parties have to be committed to obedience. This is not a matter of simply taking some practical steps in order to make my marriage work. There is a greater purpose to all this, and that is to glorify God in my relationship with my wife. Amen.