There are classic marriage texts in the Bible. We're familiar with passages like Genesis 2, where Adam and Eve are created. Ephesians 5, Paul gives instructions to husbands and wives. Colossians 3, he addresses husbands and wives again. The Bible's passages which apply to marriage, though, are not limited to the passages that mention marriage. The Bible's passages which apply to marriage are not limited to the passages which mention it. Let me give you some examples. Matthew 5, 9. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons or daughters of God. Matthew 22, 39. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Romans 12.10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12.17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to what's honorable in the sight of all. Romans 12.18 If possible, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Ephesians 4.29, let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4.32, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God and Christ forgave you. Matthew 7.12, whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them. Galatians 5.19, the works of the flesh, sexual immorality, strife, jealousy, fits of rage, rivalries, dissensions. Galatians 5.22, the fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The Bible's texts which apply to marriage are not limited to the texts which mention marriage. All of those could be considered relevant Bible texts for marriage. They apply to other aspects and relationships of our lives, of course, such as our relationships with Christians in the church. But one of the relationships that the married people have is their spouse. So these passages are not irrelevant for marriage. They are surprising marriage passages. And they address the way in which we dwell and relate to other people. It is not your primary responsibility to manage your spouse's sin. You are first and foremost called to live before God in a way that involves turning from sin and that involves pursuing righteousness. Continually turning from sin is necessary because we all have the ability to wound the people we love. This is no surprise. We have all said and done things that have wounded our spouses. We have been offensive, and unkind, and inconsiderate, and selfish. And we have the audacity to justify it as well. You might think things like, or say things like, you see, I did what I did because she made me angry. And the wife might think, I wasn't out of control until he said this or he said that. That kind of language reminds us of Genesis 3, where the man said to God, the woman whom you gave me, she gave me the fruit. Or the woman to God, the serpent deceived me and I ate. Blame shifting is a common tactic in marriage. We cannot manage and bear the responsibility for the sins of our spouse, but we are called to live before God and recognize we will answer for our sins. We will not answer for the sins of our spouse. So you have to think about your attitude, your words, your tone, your actions. When someone sins against you, it is not required that you sin against them back. You might think it will feel good, or that the other person deserves it, but we are called to do what honors God in our marriages. So one of the verses I mentioned a moment ago, Romans 12, 17, Paul says, repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. Instinctively, we might not be doing what's honorable to God in the sight of all and good for the other. So we've gotta give thought to that. Wait a second, what is the best and most helpful way to deal with what has been done to me." Paul recognizes writing to Christians in Rome that Christians need to hear this. It's like, well, we're Christians now. Would we repay evil for evil? Mm-hmm, Paul said. Paul said you should not because he knows what we're capable of. Are you someone who seeks to make peace when there's conflict, or do you wait for someone else to initiate peace? Do you look for conflict, or are there times when you will let love cover over a multitude of sins? Like Proverbs 10, verse 12. Proverbs 10, 12 says, hatred stirs up strife, but love covers over offenses. Do you have a persevering, offense covering love? The love chapter that's so famous in 1 Corinthians 13, listen to a few excerpts from that chapter. Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Another way to translate that is that it rejoices with the truth, not keeping records of wrongs. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Well, so he's writing this to Corinthians. They had all kinds of issues in Corinth. And one of the ones among the people who profess to know Christ was a desire to claim to know God, but not showing the fruit of the spirit that would look like love in their relationships. I mean, it is frightening when we recognize, okay, I've been impatient, I've been unkind, I've envied, I've boasted, I've been arrogant, I've been rude, I've insisted on my own way, I've been irritable and resentful. I mean, all of these things are incredibly indicting of our hearts. Just to show you how difficult it is for us to think about, try putting your name in the place of love. Would you be able to put your name in there? so-and-so is patient, kind, does not envy or boast, not arrogant or rude. I mean, we're not gonna get very far before we're like, oh, yeah. I mean, that's how hurtful some of this face-to-face, with the word of God, treatment can feel. It's like a mirror held up to our hearts and we see how we fall short. Sin brings us low, but grace is here to lift us up. But we have to understand our need. We have to see where our problems in our hearts are truly placing us, and that is at the feet of Christ at the cross with our sin. When your spouse sins against you, you have what you can now think about as a ministry opportunity. You show, you can show the undeserved love of God in Christ. through patience, self-control. Self-control trumps retaliation every time. Retaliation, whether verbal or physical, is damaging to a marriage. Love, self-control. These are parts of the fruit of the Spirit. We think about Galatians 5, 22 and 23. Self-control doesn't mean I'm not upset by what happened. Self-control doesn't mean that that sin was okay. Self-control means I don't want to repay evil with evil. We have more self-control than we think. I know this because when you're in your home, you feel freer to talk to your spouse and children in ways that you wouldn't feel free to do so if, say, law enforcement were nearby, or people from your church were nearby. I mean, I know that I've raised my voice to Stacey or to the children that I probably would not have done if any of you had been in the same room. And that's because we can be familiar with certain environments where we let our filters and our guards down in ways that we might not otherwise. We have more self-control than we think we do. We might lack the incentive in that moment When we're hurt or angry at something our spouse has said or done, we need to take a step back. We need to give thought, Romans 12, about what is honorable. We need to pray for wisdom because we can either handle a situation wisely or foolishly. And so you have to ask yourself, what's gonna be best for me in this situation when something has happened, large or small? There is every reason to cry out to God for help. That might sound to you, maybe, a little cheesy or silly. Responding with self-control and prayer? I mean, you're not going to get that from the self-help gurus of the world. The calling out to God for wisdom and strength. This is something that we do thinking Christianly about our lives. One key reason to respond with self-control and patience is because you should want to treat others as you want to be treated. Here's the reality of it. Showing self-control and patience toward your spouse is important because you will need patience and self-control shown toward you when you do what is right. And when you say things that are grievous to another. To paraphrase the golden rule, respond unto others as you would have them respond unto you, because we will all wrong one another. Our interactions are heading in a bad direction when they're characterized by a few things. Three categories here. Yelling, name-calling, and grenade phrases. Okay, I'll give you some examples of the grenade phrases in a moment. Yelling, name-calling, and grenade phrases. Yelling and self-control do not go together. But this is easy to do, because yelling is a way to express how upset we are with the other person about what has happened. But I want you to listen to the wisdom of the Bible. This really is counterintuitive, okay? Because when I'm upset about something, my volume feels the need to raise, to rise. To rise, to raise, to rise. The Bible's wisdom here Proverbs 15.1, and this is convicting, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. And yelling is a way of being harsh with someone. It's not that you don't think you're justified. It's not that you're not upset. But in those moments, you're thinking that yelling is what I need to be doing. Proverbs 15.4, a gentle tongue is a tree of life. And not just sometimes. Proverbs 15, 18, a hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. Directly to husbands in Colossians 3, 19, Paul says, husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Yelling and self-control are not going together. Showing self-control is a way of speaking what is true, speaking clearly, without losing control of volume. The reason this matters is because yelling will often cause the defenses of the other person to be thrown right up. And you start screaming at someone whom you're upset at, and you see how productive that conversation's gonna be. I've had those conversations and I can tell you they are not productive. They stir up more contention. They do not lead anywhere good. Eventually I have to say, well, we're just going to have to stop talking about it because we're not getting anywhere with this. Yelling and being hot tempered is not the way to handle a wrong done against you. It continues to stir up strife. It is a way in those moments of saying, but this is what I'm feeling though, and it's coming out with volume and anger. But this is why self-control is so important, because the Bible does not want you to say, behave however you feel. How awful would that be? If what we felt and our passing thoughts we seized upon and said, okay, I will behave accordingly. I'm not saying we never do that. I'm just saying if we acted out and felt and behaved according to every feeling and thought we had, we would have no friends, no relationship, and we would have no functioning society. I feel like our society is sort of entertaining that idea of just behaving however one feels, but that is a disastrous way to live in relationships and the calling of God. A second category here, name-calling. This would certainly include using profanity against your spouse, which shows a loss of self-control, but also degrading language, calling them stupid or worthless, mocking their weight or appearance. Name-calling would involve characterizing them in a way to insult them or to degrade them. Yelling and name-calling are bullying tactics. It's an effort to assert yourself over the other person. You're very upset, and so you're trying to exercise domination in that moment. And both men and women are capable of this. Would you scream at your spouse and degrade them and insult them if Jesus was physically standing in the room? No. So why should the distance make any difference? Christ reigns at the right hand of the Father over all things. And since he reigns from heaven and through faith, you are in eternal union with him, all that we do before God, we do before God with those we love. yelling, name-calling, grenade phrases. Sometimes a couple will be in an argument and we'll use specially timed, strong phrases that seem to fit in that moment in order to wound, either to shut down the conversation or to really hurt somebody, to repay evil for evil. Repay evil with evil. There it is. Phrases like, in this fight. All right, we're getting a divorce or I hate you or I never really loved you. I'm done with you. You're stupid. You're crazy. You're unreasonable. You've ruined my life. No one else would love you. You're always so frustrating. You're never considerate. Extreme statements, which in that moment, you might truly feel but you are throwing out with this grenade phrase something so that the explosion will create harm, impact. The use of language like always and never are not helpful anyway. Grenade phrases are thrown to seize the high ground in the argument or to shut down conversation as a whole. Your words can help something escalate, so the tension will increase, or your words can help something de-escalate. And the question you need to ask yourself is, so in my marriage, what are some of the patterns of my speech when there's tension and conflict? Am I doing stuff like this? Does my volume or the way I address my spouse or extreme phrases that I might use, what needs to be tossed aside so that these are not ways or strategies to engage in communication in the midst of conflict? Because all the examples that I've given to you, not only are we capable of these things or have done these things, we can rest assured they do not produce They do not produce what the relationship needs in clear communication. They harm communication. They harm other people. And once it's said, once it's said, it cannot be unsaid. It cannot be unsaid. There may be things that you heard someone say to you, years ago that you have never forgotten. And it just bothers you. And they might even insist, I don't really mean that. But in that moment, they thought, here's a perfectly timed phrase. Maybe this will help the situation. And it didn't help. It didn't help. I remember a time where Stacey and I were having an argument in Texas, and her parents were going through some terrible relational difficulty. And I thought it would be a good idea to say, you're a perfect combination of both your mother and your father. That didn't help the conversation, as you might imagine, at all. Boy, it seemed like a good idea. This will work, you idiot. not only considering what she was already emotionally going through, but like, I'm going to draw from that to try to be hurtful. Here's a grenade. Once it's said, it cannot be unsaid. Now, we mostly laugh about that now, don't we? You what? Well, then what happened was. Well, I was taking a Greek class, and so I had a Greek New Testament that was sitting on the table, and she picked it and she threw it, and the binding broke. And to this day I think, you know, it's one thing to throw a translation of the Bible, but to throw something in the original language seems worse, you know, that just seems like an even worse thing to do. But once it's said, it can't be unsaid. And those moments, I mean, it is not silly or cheesy to say, we need to step back. Let's pray. Let's take a break. We need to go on a walk. Maybe we need to revisit this in an hour. Like we don't want to be escalated and worked up in conversation to try to deal with heavy matters. It's not gonna be helpful. It's not gonna be helpful. Your words are like seeds that you sow in your marriage. And if you don't like what you're reaping, maybe you should change what you're sowing. Do you realize how powerful your words are? Your words shape relationships. Proverbs tells us that life and death, the power of life and death are in the tongue. When you're a critical spouse, your criticism is shaping your relationship. When you're an edifying and an encouraging spouse, that is shaping your relationship. So a mentor of mine once put it this way, you'll have the spouse that you create with your words. Now what he means by that is that my words will impact my spouse. And if I wanna have a dynamic in my marriage that's encouraging and peaceful and edifying, how can I sow that so that I can reap that? Because I think that we can be in denial about the way the world works, that we can sow one thing with our words and actions and expect something else to come about as a result. But that's not the way the world works. We gotta think about sowing and reaping and this important principle of our speech and how we need self-control and patience that go together. What kind of spouse do you want? What kind of marriage do you want to pursue? Then are there aspects of your speech that you need to adjust or reject altogether so that you're not shaping your spouse in a way that you're going to regret with phrases and demeanors and words and phrases that are harmful? Hurt people hurt people. That's a phrase that I've heard over the years that I think is so true. When we're hurt, we can lash out. Sort of like an animal that's been wounded. You ever tried to go and care for a wounded animal? Remember, we had a chihuahua named Misty when she was just an old dog without any good sense to her name. She would wander out in the street all the time, got hit three times by a car over the years before she finally died. And we really did not like this animal. I was not responsible for any of those times. I remember the first time, though, her hip was really wounded, and she crawled under the house. My dad had to get her out. None of us were going to try to do it ourselves. We were going to watch him do it, though, and it was interesting. Every time he went toward the wounded animal, you know, it would be biting his fingers, and he's yelling at the dog. I mean, trying to deal with something that's wounded, I mean, you can anticipate being hurt in response. Well, I mean, On that lighter note, though, think about how this applies more seriously to our relationships. When we're feeling offended and wounded, it is a natural response. It feels like the thing to do, to lash out, to return and repay what has been done to us with something that we think needs to be spoken or that is deserved. So we need self-control. When we are impatient, we think we are Justified, perhaps. When we're impatient, we think we might justify being harsh or screaming or bullying to get our way. But impatience is selfish. Impatience is about you not getting your way. You're focused on something you want, Something's in the way of that. Maybe it's a person, child, some obstacle, but either way I've got something I'm focused on and I'm not getting it. So you act and you speak impatiently as if your kingdom must come and your will be done. So help us all. You've heard the phrase familiarity breeds contempt, and I think we could similarly say that impatience and lack of self-control are very common in familiar relationships. In marriage, living in the home with others produces a familiarity because we're sharing life. We see all that that person is, we recognize their habits, we see their weaknesses and shortcomings, we discover things about them that are sinful along the way, and it is easy with that growing familiarity to use that as opportunities to say, well, I might not say what I'm gonna say to other relationships, but I'll speak it in this way. Or I might not treat other people this way, but I'll treat my spouse this way. The more familiar and comfortable we are, the fewer guards and filters we may use. Think about the way we can be so impatient and rash with our children. They're made in the image of God. We steward only for a short time. We don't like it when kids, though, act all put out and throw a fit when they don't get their way, but adults can do the same thing. We're just taller and we've been sinning longer. Your home should not be a place where you are comfortable justifying your impatience and lack of self-control. If we are in Christ, you know who you're married to? Someone for whom Christ died, loves with everlasting love, and a child of God. Oh friend, Let us not mistreat the children of God whom we are married to. They professed an old Christ. Christ has died for their sins. Let us not take those sins from the cross to use against them. Your home should not be a place where you are comfortable justifying and acting out your impatience and lack of self-control. Interact, rather, with your spouse in a way that honors the Lord. And we might say, yes, this is so much easier said than done. Yes, but we must say and think these things out loud together because we must remind ourselves of what we are called to do. When was the last time you sincerely told your spouse Thank you, or I appreciate you. Thinking about sowing words to reap something like righteousness and peace and self-control, love and hope. If we're to avoid sowing certain phrases and words in our relationship, what about the other things that could sow the kind of relationship we would love to be reaping and harvesting? When was the last time you said to your spouse, I really appreciate that you did this? It was so helpful when you did that. We need to not just think grateful thoughts, we need to speak them out loud. Thanksgiving is life-giving. Thanksgiving is life-giving. And we should think about the way the Lord has worked within our own hearts that should produce within us a thanksgiving for his amazing grace upon our hearts. When was the last time you sincerely told your spouse, I love you, or I'm glad you're my husband, I'm glad you're my wife? What if during conflict, instead of throwing grenade phrases, you said to your spouse, we will figure this out. It's going to be okay. What if in those moments where you felt like, all right, here's something, I could just zing them with this, you provided a phrase of assurance during conflict rather than threats? That's sowing something that you will want to reap. It's producing an assurance and a bond where you recognize, okay, I'm gonna act in line with the truth that my spouse is not my enemy. We're together in covenant under the Lord's lordship and therefore I can't treat my spouse like my opponent. Conflict with a spouse is an opportunity to show the forbearing grace and patience of Christ. After all, When else would you need to show grace unless a situation arose that would warrant it? When else would you need to show patience and endurance unless situations arose that called for patience and needed endurance? So when God calls us to be people who are gracious and forbearing, don't be surprised if you're living with someone with whom you need to be forbearing and patient and enduring. So you're called to have that. Do you not want the circumstances where you have to live that out? Don't we recognize that in God calling us to be and obey in these matters, He has strategically placed us in the lives of those with whom we must live out our calling? Marital conflict between spouses is normal. It's expected. And it doesn't mean your spouse is your enemy. Conflict exists in marriage because there's a conflict that exists within us. In other words, outward conflict with other people stems from inner things going on within us. Like Galatians 5 tells us, the spirit desires what's contrary to the flesh, and the flesh desires what's contrary to the spirit. So James and Paul recognize that our heart is a battleground. So James 4 says, This is so insightful to the human heart. What causes quarrels and fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and you don't have, so you murder. You covet and you can't obtain, so you fight and you quarrel. That's James 4, 1, and 2. Boy, does James know us, or does he not? I mean, my goodness, right there on the nose, he's able to identify. The idea of conflict on the outside is arising from, okay, I want something. How can I get what I want, and who's in my way? How can I get them out of my way? And all of a sudden, the other person is not the object for me to love and to serve, but is an obstacle in the way of something beyond them that I'm trying to get to. something else I'm wanting. We need to approach conversations in conflict with humility. We need to try to listen to the other person's perspective. If my spouse is upset, do I understand why they're upset? And don't think to yourself, well, they must be upset for no good reason, probably. Instead, you should assume, maybe I don't understand why my spouse is upset. So I should ask them, can you explain to me? what you are thinking and why you are upset. And we need to try to listen well. I don't necessarily think spouses are good listeners by default. I think we have to work on this. Because we might be prone to interrupt and say, well, wait a second, somebody's spoken four words and we've already tried to say something. And I think listening causes us to recognize the need for self-control that we have, that we need to develop and cultivate. Sometimes what a spouse needs is to be heard. Disagreement isn't always something you can't move beyond if the other person can feel like you're really listening to them. Sometimes that's what the spouse wants. Do you understand where I'm coming from? And are you hearing what I'm saying? They need to be considered. invalidated. Now you might feel differently from the way your spouse feels, but acting that the way they feel is wrong because the way you feel is necessarily right isn't helpful at all. They're a person with feelings, a person in the image of God, a child of God in Christ. They're worthy of our attention. They're worthy of us being quiet and saying, can you speak so I can listen? Help me to understand. We need to approach conflict not assuming we understand what the other person is thinking. Now I know that there is a sense in which the longer we're with someone, we can feel predicting of things they might do next or think. But mind reading shuts down conversations. And it assumes change and growth isn't possible. We need to approach conflict not assuming we understand what the other person is thinking. In being married to Stacey and in my conversations with other couples over the years, I think most conflicts in marriage aren't necessarily about black and white issues of clear moral distinction. Most conflicts, I think, are based on what spouses would prefer or the way they want something to be done. Things that you might say are in the gray areas of life, the neutral ground. I mean, if your spouse is trying to convince you of sin, I mean, obviously that is a different thing altogether when the Lord's Word will speak about things that are prohibited or acts of righteousness He exhorts us to do. But most conflicts in my own marriage and in marriages that I've sat with over the years have not been about issues that are clearly moral in category. But the responses to non-moral issues take on a moral quality because of the anger and lack of peace and rage and miscommunication and hatred and resentment that can result. So things that don't start out about a moral issue all of a sudden become moral issues that are attached to that initially gray area thing. We need to say to ourselves, Just because I'm myself and I have feelings does not mean my way is the right way and that the way I'd like something to be done ought to be the way it's done. In fact, our preferences can become idols we worship if we're willing to harm other relationships in our lives to get our way. If our way and our method is that important to us, well, the issue itself might not be moral equality. but it's certainly taken on a different kind of thing on its own where an idol is being exposed. That the way I want something done or my preference here, it must be this way or there will be no peace. We have to be careful idolizing our preferences and assuming that the way we conduct ourselves and our preferences and feelings should be the way things operate in the marriage and in the home. Rather, negotiation and compromise are helpful. But someone who is assuming already that their way is what is right and the other person's is necessarily wrong because it's different from what I would do or prefer, that is a breakdown of communication. Instead of saying, okay, so you're thinking about it this way, I'm feeling about it this way. How could we talk about this so that we're trying to meet in a way that we're both not displeased by the outcome? Not because everybody will be equally satisfied because your preferences are entirely met, but you're trying to meet in the middle of the Philippians 2 principle. To consider the interests of others more than your own. I wonder how important Your spouse's interests are to you when they're different from yours. I wonder if you would invalidate those interests, demean them, not consider them at all because simply they're not yours. So we are not out of the woods in being idol worshipers, where we're being drawn into something that is being given our devotion for the sake of whatever thing we are after. And if damage needs to happen and conflict is gonna be the lay of the land, then so be it, because what I want is that important. God help us. if we are self-worshipping in that way. Don't you know that Christ said, if any man or woman would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. And part of our self-denial and cross-bearing will be exercised in our relationships with our spouses. But that's not a bad thing. The cross-bearing leads to resurrection and life. The world might say to you, oh no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second. Don't be listening to this idea of putting aside maybe what you prefer in this occasion and going with someone else's inclination or denying what you're feeling for the sake of negotiating something else that's beyond what, you need to get what you want. Don't you know how much you matter? The world wants you to prioritize you above all things. And living that way, that will be miserable for you. That won't get you what you want. That will be miserable for you and it will not produce in your relationship the kind of peace and love and kindness that's in keeping with the fruit of the Spirit. Lord, help us be worshipers of Christ above all and that our preferences and things about non-moral matters would take indeed a rightful place so that the health and pursuit of Christ in the relationship remains a main thing. Let's pray. Our Father, we pray that at the end of this session, we're thinking about the need for right worship in our hearts. And we know that we can be prone to elevating things to a level of importance that they ought not be. It can bring harm to our hearts and to the hearts of those we love. Lord, help us to be filled with the fruit of your Spirit, with self-control. Help us, O Lord, to speak and to act in ways that would be honorable to you. You are speaking your commands to us through the letters of Paul and the words of Christ, and it's all for our good. Help us to trust you. We need to see, Lord, in the end, it is a matter of trust. We don't need to be suspicious of your word. We don't need to look skeptically at your good commands and wisdom. Help us to see that you never lead us astray. You know exactly what we need. You know exactly what our hearts and marriages need. Help us, Lord, to believe that and to gladly give ourselves to it. We pray this in Jesus' name, amen.