And we'll look at verse 24. I want to teach today on ways to provoke your child to anger. And we'll go through this. I trust it's a blessing. And here's the thing, you know, this is for future husbands, which we have among us. There's men that are married. There are men who have raised their children, but you may learn something today in this study that can provoke you to change and be a better man. So let's pray and we'll get right to it. Father, thank you so much for this time. And Father, I confess publicly I need you. I can't do this without you. And I say that from the bottom of my heart, Lord. I pray that you'd help me and lead us as we go through this. I pray, Father, be a blessing and help to all the men here. And I pray, Father, it will be done. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. Notice if you were in Genesis chapter 2, and we'll look at verse 24. Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh. So that's going to be a starting point. And Paul, Paul, seems like all the other verses are for Paul. Moses here is stating about the creation, and he says about marital harmony, he said, Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh. So, you know, this before they had parents. God was their parent. So it's so important that one way to provoke your child is that lack in marital harmony. And the Bible uses the phrase one flesh and it's used five times in scripture and this is God's plan for the husband and wife to develop If the married couple do not work at being one flesh with each other, they will with something or someone. So the idea is that the husband and wife should work at you know, oneness. And this is so important because there's different phases of marriage. You know, you think about, you know, well, we're married and, you know, I believe this, you believe that. Well, that's not good enough. We want to be unified. And the Bible speaks about this throughout the Old Testament, New Testament. And we have to unify on the scriptures. What does the Bible say? So, Again, husbands will do it with their work people at work, wives many times will do it with their children. And this is not God's plan, you know, for people to be faithful to the child instead of the husband, or rather for a husband to be faithful to co-workers instead of the wife, this is not God's plan. It doesn't work out. And you know, you may say, oh, it's working out just great. Well, here's what happens. It's like a set of tires. They're going to wear out. It's supposed to go 50,000 or 75,000 miles, and they're going to blow out about 40. and you could get the full tread. And so it is with going against God in deciding what's working, what's not working, instead of aligning ourselves with the Word of God. So I'll say this to you, gentlemen. If you could, and you should, man, you want to make things right with your wife. And you say, why do I have to make things right with my wife? Well, if you're not right, you're wrong. Right? So you want to make things right. And so a child will observe the lack of harmony and can easily be susceptible to acquiring latter thoughts, attitudes, motives, and actions. Second of all, establishing and maintaining a child sent at home. Now, this never happened. I like what Mike Francesco said a long time ago. He was telling dogging, you know, about a newborn coming into their family. And so Dog had a child sent home. And Mike Francesca said, no, no, no, no, no, no. He said, they're joining our family. That's what they're doing. They're coming in and joining our family. They're going to be fancesses. And that's my attitude. My kids are privileged, the way that I looked at it, to be part of our home. We had a good home. And whether it was Jennifer or John, Tim or Ashley, it was going to be a privilege to belong to the Graffs. Now, we may, I can assure you, we didn't have all the bells and whistles that kids have today, but we had a loving family, and we enjoyed one another, and we were faithful to one another, and so on. So, you don't want to maintain a child-centered home. So, the child becomes the main thing. They're not. Because one day, that child's going to leave, And you're going to be looking at Mrs. and you're going to say, you know, where did we leave off about 20 years ago, you know? And you want to communicate. You want to be faithful. You want to have a good relationship. And my wife and I, I'll tell you, I'm not afraid to be by myself with her. I'm not. It's wonderful. And I look forward to it in the future. So, our goal should be a Christ-like centered home where each member knows the biblical role. The father is spiritual leader, the wife, the husband provides love and leads, the wife and mother submits the husband unto the Lord and loves God, and the husband and children in this order. Again, it should be the husband first. and then the child. And then children submissive to the parents. Usually a home which is not Christ-centered is child-centered. And this is where everything revolves around the child. And I'll tell you something, people have been in our church and they left and it was a child-centered home. And it didn't work out well. The husband and wife aren't together and they're not communicating like they should. And it's sad because they had all the preaching to make that home right. Third of all, in modeling sinful anger, let's go to Proverbs 22 please. Proverbs 22 and verse 24. And notice the Bible says in verse 24, Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man thou shalt not go, lest thou learn his ways and get a snare to thy soul. So again, if you're going to model anger, you're going to, first of all, affect your children. You may affect your wife. And this is not how you walk in the spirit. It's not the Christian life. You know, let all bitterness and malice and wrath and so on be put away from you. Letter D, habitually discipline out of anger. And when one is angry, it's easy to over discipline. So I remember years ago, there were times I said, I'm not going to come into my office to discipline, I'm going to wait and I got to cool off. And I did. I admitted I was upset with them. And I wanted to come off. I didn't want to provoke them to wrath. And then we see letter E is scolding. Again Ephesians 4 verse 29. Let's turn there please. Ephesians 4 and 29. And the Bible says in verse 29 let no corrupt communication proceed out of thy mouth but that which is good to the use of edifying that it may minister grace unto the hearer. So scolding is expressing oneself with reviling, voiceless speech, a bad spirit, a loss of temper, venting. until a parent has control themselves, they ought not to speak to the child. And you should say, it's going to take me months. It shouldn't take you months, get right with God. It should be fast. And remember, the Bible tells us exactly, we'll probably come across this in our list, be slow to speak, slow to wrath, and what's the third one? Yeah, quick to hear. And that's important. You need to learn to listen. Don't just conclude right away, learn to listen. And then letter F, there's inconsistency of discipline. Ecclesiastes 8-11, because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil. Proverbs 22-6, train of a child where he should go, and when he's old he'll not depart. So there's two ways of being inconsistent in our discipline. Number one, two different parent standards of discipline. One spanks, the other talks. Now this is a problem. And it's not a problem for either one. Sometimes it's good to talk and sometimes it's good to spank. But the idea is that we need to be on the same page. And that's one of the questions this morning we'll deal with about not being on the same page. Well, you know how that happens? You've got to talk to your spouse. The husband's got to talk to the wife, the wife's got to talk to the husband, and come to what the scriptural answer is concerning taking care of the problem. And all of us should be willing to follow the Bible, period. Period. And then second of all, vacillating on discipline day by day. One day their behavior received strong discipline. Next day, they received no punishment. That's double standards. Do as I say, not as I do. And it's It's the idea of the action or looking at them with our words alone. So we want to be able to say what we mean and mean what we say and follow through. This is one of the many things Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for. Do as I say, not as I do. And then letter H is being legalistic. You know, the Bible commands love, love God, love our neighbors, don't lie, don't steal, obey your parents. And we must be careful not to be pharisaical or rigid. Let the law above the word of God. God's law is perfect. It must be followed. And we mix grace with our own laws. also more sure that they are based upon the Bible. God's law cannot be appealed. Our Lord can have an appeal with the right attitude and right approach. So the idea is you don't want to be a pharisaical, you don't want to be legalistic. There is a time in certain situations for grace and just don't be law. Be grace. And I think that's very important. You mix grace with law, if I can say it that way. Then we see not admitting you're wrong as a parent. Now, this is very important. I think it's one of the best things I came across. And there were times that Liz and I had to apologize to our children. You say, what in the world? You never apologize to your child. We did. And we were careful in our apologies, James 5, 16, confess your faults one to another. So when we as parents fail to acknowledge our own sin against a child, we're training them in the way they will go. And the idea of pride and stubbornness and insensitivity, et cetera. Now, how should we ask for forgiveness? Well, first of all, we've got to acknowledge that we have sinned. You say, I was wrong. And that gives a child hope. It really does. Because sometimes our standards are so high and inconsistent. And not, I was wrong, but you, you can't do that. I was wrong. Period. So identify, second of all, the specific sin is named in the Bible. I was selfish. I was angry. I was wrong. I thought you, I didn't listen to you. And then third of all, identify a biblical behavior to demonstrate your resolve to repent. I was being proud. Whatever it may be. And then ask for forgiveness. Now, I'll tell you something, that will revolutionize your home. That'll help. Because if your child says, I get in trouble with this and my dad or my mom does this, it's inconsistent. And it's good to humble ourselves. So another thought here is constantly finding fault. Now this is wrong. I had a child where I could spend a day correcting. I mean, it just seemed like everything was wrong. But I realized it was wrong for me to constantly find fault. I didn't want to do that. and you can't. So you have to be careful. And again, I'm not saying the parents should not point out the sinful behavior, character, deficiencies, that's all part of training of a child in the way that they should go, but rather the critical condemning accusing, judgmental attitude in correction. It gives a child an attitude, I can't do anything right. They're back and they're beaten down emotionally and psychologically. So, you gotta find things that are good. You gotta find things that are positive. And some children, it's a challenge. They go through stages. The bad stages, you just sit there and you find fault in everything they do. But that's not the way to be, not to have a critical spirit, but rather you want to edify and build up. in the most holy faith. And so I would say you do this today, and maybe I'm assuming you have some teenagers in your home. Those are still raising their children. And I would say, I would ask my child or children, you know, am I too critical? Now, if that happens and, you know, they may be fear that, you know, if I say the, yes, you are, I'm going to be in bigger trouble. But you need to give your children liberty to speak the truth. And, uh, you know, so what if you are, and they don't tell you, you know, you're going to go around with a false idea. I'm great. And, you know, so on it's raw. So you want to give you a sit and sit down with your son, your daughter, your children, and communicate with them and say, look, I'm not perfect. I heard the preacher preach day about this. And I want to ask you point blank. You know, am I critical? Do I find too much fault? And so on. And again, I want to know. And you'll be able to tell if the child is being honest with you. And I trust they will be. And I'll tell you this, if a child tells you that, you know, my father, my mother is fault finding, And you tell them that, and they have a conniption, just let me know. I'll talk to them. So there's your get out of jail card. All right? I think that's important. A child needs to have an outlet. And you'd rather have them talk to you than just talk to anyone. So, another thought is a way to provoke a child of wrath is parents reversing their roles. And this brings frustration in the home. Children can become very angry at a father or mother when they're out of place. And so, again, you don't want the wife to just rule. Now, there are times your wife is going to say things and do things, and it's right, you know, but when you're home, You need to be involved with your kids. You need to confront them. You need to tell them, well, if I confront them, I'm always the bully. You need to talk to your wife about that. You're not a bully. If you're following the word of God, how are you a bully? Right? So, you've got to make sure that you're in clean hands with that. And again, you want to, you know, you're leaning towards a white controlled home. And you don't want that. You want to control your home. And there's reason that God put the man in charge. There's reasons for it. of not having the child's side, not hearing the child's side of the story. Proverbs 18 verse 3, hear that answer of the matter before you hear of it. It's a folly and a shame unto him. And you've heard me say that before about people, they have their answer all set, and it doesn't matter what you say, they're going to give you an answer. Well, that's not the way to be. You've got to hear them out. There may be another side to the story that you aren't aware of. And if you just jump and say, well, this is the way it is, and so on, and you're not hearing, it's a folly. It's a great mistake. And by not hearing the story, you cause great frustration in the child's life. Also, you may come across as arrogant, important, impatient, rather, apathy, or a lack of love. And then we compare the child to others. Now, this was wrong. Why? Because children are not the same. You know that. So I don't know who's better in school. You have two smart boys there. I don't know who's better, but whatever you do, I trust you didn't, but you can't say, I wish you were like Marcus and did better in math or better in history or, you know, I wish you were like Aaron playing the piano. I mean, you know, they're different. All kids are different. You know, I can tell you about Tim and John. You know, John was what his father liked. He liked the Jets. He liked the Yankees. He liked the Knicks. What did Tim like? He liked the San Antonio Spurs. And who knows, he didn't like baseball, but he played. And he liked the Giants. He's not here right now, so I can do that. Anyway, but that was fine. so what we did was we supported him in this you know you want to like this and he loved uh... what was his name robertson robertson the center yeah dave robertson and he loved him and so uh... anytime he was on tv i make sure that if i found out i let him know he watched the game and so on and so forth so uh... you know the giants which So I forgive him, maybe. But anyway, that's all right. So why? We have different opinions. My son John hated super hot food. And Tim and I love it. We enjoy it. So everyone's different. And we have to understand that when a child comes into our family, they're all going to have their different desires and different tastes and different ideas and so on. But we want to conform them. the thing when they're important to believe the Bible. Now, the Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10 and 12, but they measure themselves, by themselves, compare themselves among themselves, are not wise. So, you talk about four boys, they must all be different. Right? Who's that? Okay, there's issues here. James is a Met fan, and Philip is a Yankee fan. But what did James do? He showed grace. He took them to a Yankee game. And the Yankees lost, of course. He gloated in that. That's not the way to do it, James. Anyway. No, you're going to have different desires, different interests. You may have a son who grows up and says, I want to be a policeman. I want to be a preacher. Who knows? But you want to support them in what they're trying to do. So again, we're not to compare them. We need to look forward. We're comparing the child today to the Bible standard of maturity. And again, this is important. You want them to mature as the Bible says we ought to mature. I'm looking back by comparing the child's maturity today where they once were in the past. And this is important. You've got to measure them according to what the Word of God says. Remember the Bible says when I was a child, I thought a child and spoke of the child. I became a man, I put away childish things. So then we see not communicating regularly. We cannot have close families without communication. And in this method, we reveal who we are to one another. And this is important. So you say, well, how do you communicate with an infant? Let me tell you something. I was talking to Matt and Jackie about this. And I believe, because my daughter did it, and I really believe it works, that you can communicate with the baby when they're in your womb still. And you can talk to them, let them hear the word of God, and so on. And then when they come out, you can talk to them. You don't have to be silent. I knew a woman who never spoke to their child, their infant, and so on. And the child, guess what? They didn't speak. When they're four years old, they didn't speak. Well, there's a reason for it. She's reaping what she sowed. And she didn't do it on purpose, but it was ignorance. So you want to communicate with them. And then when they start just saying things like, blah, blah, blah, blah, it's not saying anything, you communicate, oh, is that right? And wow, that's, oh, look, you're right. And you point at things, and that's how they start. And sometimes you wish they didn't start, but anyway, they do. And that's all right. you know, and so again, this is important to communicate with your child and you want them in their communicating, we become, you know, sense acceptance, we accept purpose, we accept our role. When we don't communicate, There's a lot of problem. They're gonna be angry in their heart towards their parent and towards God and For no reason just because you didn't communicate So, and I'll tell you right now, gentlemen, on the back welcome center, there's those sheets, how to communicate with a child. They're great questions. And I know my wife and I put it together years ago, and I thought it'd be good to put out, but they're great questions. And you don't have to sit there with a paper and say, what's your favorite color? Don't do that. Memorize a few things. And then not praise and encouraging your child. So correction must have balance. So think about the seven churches of Asia Minor. There was a commendation, I know thy works. Right? And much of it was very positive. Then there was, but I have someone against me. So there must be balance in raising our children. Positive words, so that they, when the negative come, they can handle it. So there's got to be balance. And, you know, I think it's important when a child obeys you, good job, you know, you're holding their hand, call them over, you know, and they come to you, good job, thanks for obeying daddy, and so on. But that's positive reinforcement. And there must be balance in raising our children. So this is a balance of biblical love. and then failing to keep your word. Now think about this, Matthew 5 verse 37, But let your communication be yea, yea, nay, nay, for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. So, when we regularly fail in our commitment and promises to our child, they'll view our word as unreliable, deceitful, and so on. So, the idea is that, you know, you've got to be not a dreamer, but you don't want to speak the truth. So there's a great movie, it's A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, years ago. How many have seen it before? Oh. Anyway, it's a poor, poor family in the 30s. And the father was, he sang for a living. And he didn't sing like in a nightclub or in a concert venue, but he sang just when they're serving people, sang for weddings, he sang and so on. So, but he was a dreamer. He always said he called his daughter princess, and she had high hopes in him, but he was a failure. He was a drunk, and he was a failure. And, you know, you don't want to cover that up for so long. And I had relatives like him. I did. And promise you the moon, but they couldn't produce anything. So, you know, the idea is that your word needs to mean something. That's why we're not big on telling our children about Santa Claus and all that follows through. We're not big on the Easter Bunny. I know a lot of your wives, we're going to have an Easter basket. I never got it. But anyway, that's fine. We don't want to say things that are not true to our children. You better behave because if you don't behave at night, the monsters are going to come out and get you. What are you doing that for your children? Don't do that. You're giving them a wrong idea of life. I remember, and it was innocent, but it had an effect on me for a while, when my grandmother talked to me about Michelines. Michelines were the little people. They're up in the trees and watching you. It was a lie. And I believed it. I don't hold hard feelings against my grandmother. She was just going on and probably doing what her mother did and so on. But you want to speak truth to your child. Be honest with them. Shoot straight with them. If they have a question, and they'll have questions in a few years, you want them to come to you. Say, I know my daddy was going to speak truth. And then ask your dad to sit down with you and speak the truth. Very important. So, again, if it's not dealt with, you know, speaking the truth, you probably have a child can have the following emotions. They can have disappointment or discouragement, suspicion, cynicism, unwilling to trust. rejection, hurt feelings, bitterness and resentment, loss of respect for parents, thoughts of being unloved. And these thoughts can lead from anger to rebellion and to the rejection of the Lord and Savior. And why? Because you're not willing to tell the truth. What time do you have, Marcus? So now we get to correction in front of others. And this is wrong. Let me tell you why parents want to correct their child in front of others. Will someone tell me why they do it? Could be embarrassment. What else? Yeah. Say again. I can't hear you, man. Right, right, right, right, right. So, I have the air behind me. So anyway, Matthew 18, 15, Moreover, if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him, what? Alone. So it doesn't mean you don't, you know, take action. but you call the child over to you and privately speak to him. Don't broadcast it. A lot of it is just rotten pride. And this does not mean you never verbally correct a child, but never physically discipline him in front of others. If it's a private sin, keep it private. My thought was this, and I had a unique role. I was a pastor, I was the principal, and I was a parent. That's it. So, I'd come walking to school, and the girls always acted up, right Tim? I felt that if you're bold enough to commit the crime, then I'm bold enough to find you out. So at times it was good for my children to be corrected. But normally we didn't do that. We privately did it. So I think it's very important that you have discernment. and be careful how you correct the child. Another thought is not allowing enough freedom. Now, this is ridiculous. When a child has shown themselves to be faithful and responsible, they should be given more independence. Now, this is done by a successful fulfillment of specific responsibilities. If your child, your son or daughter, faithful at home, well, they're trying to prove something to you, that I can follow instructions and so on. They're faithful of making biblical-wise decisions. So they're not putting off your responsibility. They're faithful. There are some reasons that parents do not give their children enough freedom. First, they're overprotective. Well, there's a serious world out there. Oh, tell me about it. I don't know. Tell me. I'm ignorant. Of course it's serious. But you've got to have faith in God. and you have to have faith in your child. And in a situation where it's, you know, public and so on, don't be so overprotective. It's ridiculous. It could be insecurity on your part. You know, that's a problem that men have that is a plague. It really hurts a man to be insecure. to not trust. And again, the third one is fear. A lot of men are just downright fearful. And I don't know what you're fearful about. The Bible says we cast all our care upon Jesus. Why? He cared for us. And if you have fear, you don't want to trust yourself. You gotta trust the living, true God. And again, we look at another one, not trusting God. And fifth of all, inordinate desire to have perfect children. Well, you don't. And you know why? Because they come from you. I'm not perfect. My kids aren't perfect. I remember Brother Silcox was telling me a story one time about they used to go hunting at night for rabbits. So he was a young man, probably 16, 17 years old. And while he was riding in the fields, you know, cars going up and down, they're not like the cars they make today. And he winds up grabbing the shotgun. and shooting a hole right through the floor. And, you know, he was not a child that received many compliments. But anyway, you know, the thought is this, that was encouraging for me to hear because he wasn't perfect. And they told me stories over the years of how it wasn't perfect, which, you know, the Bible says, for all who have sinned and come to show the glory of God, we know no one's perfect. But again, we think that our children have to be perfect, but they don't. They have to be responsible. So this was frustrating and stunting proper development in a child. You know, I remember a woman, there was a woman that, she was in her early 20s, and she, I know, yeah, another one popped in my mind. She's not a member of our church, but she hasn't got a license. She doesn't even know how to ride a bike. She's stifled in her life. And this is sad. You want your child to grow up and mature and move on. But this is a real hindrance, and you don't want to cause frustration or stunting the proper development. And then the other side, you allow too much freedom. Proverbs 29 and 15, the rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left himself bringing his mother to shame. I know someone personal who was raised without any adult supervision, and he brought his mother to shame. When a child is allowed too much freedom, physically, verbally, they'll bring shame to their family. It could be by picking up sinful habits, living a double life, being irresponsible, etc. And the next thought is mocking child. Now, what we mean by mocking, those things which a child cannot do anything about. So if a child has unusual features and we're found mocking them, that's wrong. Spend the money. Get it fixed. But don't mock them. If they're not good at athletics, that's all right. A child's intelligence. So you got to work with them. Maybe there's physical features that are wrong, but don't make fun of whatever you do. That's demented. That's wrong. That's futile. We should not make fun or laugh at sinful things. Sin is not a laughing matter. There should be a sober view of sin, not a frivolous. And yet, this does not mean we can't laugh at ourselves or our children. And then another thought is abusing them physically. Now let's go back to Numbers 22, please. Numbers 22. This is a story we find in the scriptures about Balaam and his donkey. So notice verse 27, and the Bible tells us in chapter 22 verse 27, And when the ass saw the angel of the Lord, she fell down on Balaam, and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff. and the Lord opened the mouth of the ass and she said unto Balaam, what have I done unto thee that thou hast smitten me these three times? And Balaam said unto the ass, because thou hast mocked me. Now think of it, this prophet talks to an animal. I would have, there were a sword of mine in hand before now will I kill thee. So we see that he responds to a donkey. And Balaam struck the donkey in haste before he heard the whole story. Second of all, Balaam struck the donkey because the donkey embarrassed him. And Balaam was out of control. He was the problem, not the donkey. And then calling our children names. Let no corrupt communicators see that out of their mouth. So names like idiot, moron, dummy, stupid, you know, meathead, etc. They are words which our Lord just was our Lord used as such as foolish, double-minded, deceitful, self-centered, idolatrous, slothful. And when pointing out these things in a child's life, they are used in these words as tools and not weapons. So you can say, John, that's double-minded. Either this is right or this is right. And then unrealistic expectations. The scriptures indicate that a child thinks, speaks, and acts, reason quite different than adults. Again, that verse, 1 Corinthians 13, 11, when I was a child, I spake as a child, I thought as a child, If I became a man, I'd put away childish things. So children grow physically, they grow mentally, at different rates and different capabilities. And Godly character, such as doing our best, is far more important than straight A's. And then practicing favoritism, that's foolish. It never turns out right. So I think my time is done. Is that right? Okay, I can wrap this up. Alright, the prescription we see here concerning a child who is angry. And first of all, acknowledge the specific ways you have provoked, confessed and forsaken these sins before God. Ask your child to forgive for their sins, for your sins against them. and explain to the child what you'll do from now on. And develop a plan to replace the sinful actions. The idea is this, gentlemen. We're talking about our flesh. Whether it's our sons, daughters, it's our flesh. And they're created in the image of God. So why would you want to provoke that? You don't want to provoke them to anger. You want to raise them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. And I'll take a change on your part, but I trust you'll make the change. Don't provoke your children. Now, let me say this, and I could care about the money, but if you want to, you can buy the tape and listen to it again, and listen carefully. And maybe in some instances you need to do that. But don't be provoking your children. Don't do it. All right.