Okay, let's open with a word of prayer this morning. Father, we thank you for the freedom that you have given us through your son Jesus. And we thank you for your word and the clarity it brings to our lives. Thank you for your spirit who enables us to live. your life in us. We pray for your blessing on this class time. I thank you for these men and women. We pray that you would use this time to equip us to be a blessing to one another, to our children, and to those around us. We pray for your help this morning in your name. Amen. Well, the first thing I want to do is pass around the attendance sheet here, and the second thing is to explain that handout that is in your chairs there. And you're welcome to take more. I've got plenty here if you know somebody that wants one. Robertson McQualkin for numbers of years was president of Columbia International University, Columbia University International. His wife developed Alzheimer's, and I pass this out particularly in men's retreats. to demonstrate what commitment to our vows, an illustration of what commitment to our vows is and how that is lived out. And I just give you this because we began with a section, a session on commitment matters, and I just kind of want to revisit that with you by this. So I'm not going to take time to read it. It's really for you to digest on your own. I read it again this weekend, and it was refreshing to my own spirit. The other thing, some of you, if you were not here last week, you did not get this handout. Anybody need this handout? Anybody, everybody have this? Okay, I'm gonna put these aside. All right, we're picking up, this is the last section on communication matters, and both, as I mentioned last week, for your marriage, but also for your parenting. You can't solve any problems without biblical communication and your children will not be able to solve any of their problems if you don't teach them how to speak to one another and speak to other people and even communicate with you. And we left off at At this point, we went through speak up, silence isn't golden, it's forbidden, it's often the cruelest form of punishment. Like God, you must become a master of words. Just clamming up and saying we're done, we're not gonna talk about that anymore, and the issue really isn't resolved, it's not biblical. And we'll talk about ways to resolve those things. But just clamming up. Blowing up is not acceptable. Clamming up is not acceptable. We have to speak up, but we have to speak up truthfully and lovingly as we're going to see. So the next principle of communication from Ephesians 4, 15 and 25 is speak up truthfully. 415 says we're to be speaking the truth in love and many other references in the scripture about speaking the truth. However, There's some things we need to say about the way we say the truth. We need to understand that honesty is more than just not lying. Honesty means to tell the whole truth. We can't, I'm not saying that we tell everything to everybody else. That can be just gossip. But when we're trying to solve, in the context of solving a problem, we need to speak truthfully with one another about what's really going on. And sometimes you say, well, what they don't know won't hurt them. That was the lie that Satan operated on with Adam and Eve. What they don't know won't hurt them. Well, it hurt them a lot. And the context here is in solving problems. Generally, as I said, we don't tell everybody everything. But it also means telling nothing but the truth. And that means if we're going to solve problems biblically with each other and with our children, we can't exaggerate. And one of the ways we do that is saying, you always do this and you never do that. That in itself is a lie because they don't always do that and they don't never do that. So don't get rid of those words. Those don't help at all when you're trying to solve a problem. You always do this. You never do that. Those are exaggerations. Dr. Bob Senior, he used to say, simplicity is truth's most becoming guard. He said, you have to dress up a lie, but truth can walk naked through the streets. You don't have to dress up a lie. You can speak up truthfully. and we'll talk a little bit more about what it means to speak up lovingly in just a minute. But understand that communication is creating understanding. So there's something you have in your mind that you want to get across. And it's not just, I hope it's more than just punishment to a spouse who didn't do what you wanted them to do, or to a child. We want to create understanding between each other. And nothing is easier than talking, and nothing is harder than communicating. Communication is really hard. I remember hearing a preacher that I greatly respect many, many years ago. He's with the Lord. He said, if you truly communicate, somebody sweats. Either you sweat, before you communicate, or they sweat while you're communicating and trying to figure out what on earth you're saying. It takes work to create understanding in other people's minds. As a teacher, and I'm not always effective at this, I'm sure, but I have in my mind something I want to get across, and I haven't really taught unless you understand what I'm trying to communicate to you. Communication is creating understanding. And our communication often goes awry in ways like this. So here's a couple. They're on their honeymoon, or maybe they're on a vacation. And they're sitting on the front porch of the cabin. And it's a beautiful night, moonlit night. And here's what goes on. She means to say, this moon puts me in a romantic mood. Now, what she wants to communicate is a feeling she's having at the moment. So here's what she actually says. Isn't that a brilliant moon? Now, she wants to communicate a feeling, but all she does is communicate a fact. Now, and gals, you've got to help your husband a little bit on this thing. So don't leave him guessing about things. Now, I will say this. We have heard many times through the years of women who say, I have not told my husband how I feel about this or about what he does, because it's easier for me to just deal with it, thinking that maybe he doesn't know, than to tell him and he not do anything about it, which tells me I don't matter to him. So husband, you've got to be safe. You've got to be a person that your wife can talk to you without some kind of negative reaction. But what she actually says is, isn't that a brilliant moon? So here's what he hears. The moon is bright. I mean, he's picking up on this, right? So what he thinks he hears is the moon is bright enough for a walk now That's that's I mean he's trying to get at her heart here that yeah, this okay. This is bright enough for a walk But here's what he says yes, it's bright enough to shoot a golf ball by That is not helpful That is also a fact And here's what she thinks he meant by what he said. I don't feel romantic Do you see how communication can go arise so fast So this is, and you have to be patient with one another because there are, you can come back guys or ladies and come back and say, do you mean by that this? Or what would you like me to do with that? Or how can I help? Or do you want me to just listen? Or do you want me to try to fix this? That's a real important one. A lot of times your wife will spill everything that's been happening and how she feels about something, and right away you want to fix it. And she probably already knows the solution. She doesn't need her giving you a Sunday school lesson about it. And so that's where it's helpful to say, Do you want me just to listen? I'm happy to do that, because you're having a hard time right now. Or do you want me to jump in and help you fix it? She wants a hug. She might just say, yeah, I just want a hug. You're trying to create understanding. What is she thinking? What is she going through? How can I help with that? But you can see how communication can go awry pretty quickly. Here's a husband coming home from work, and he enters the door of the apartment, and there's something boiling over on the stove. She's standing in front of the stove with a toddler on her hip and trying to get this stove fixed. And the trash can, the tall trash can is spilled over and there's garbage on the floor. And what happened before that, this toddler went over and pulled it over. And then as she's trying to clean that up, then the stuff boiled over. And he caught her just coming. He came in when all of that was happening. And he says, how was your day, honey? That's not helpful. And she replies, you never take out the trash. And then he says, oh, yes, I do. Last Thursday, I know I did last Thursday, because when I went and took the trash out, Joe's car wouldn't start, and I jumped his car. I know I take out the trash. He missed this by a mile. Because all she's saying is, I need a little help here. This day is overwhelming right now. And he comes in and says, how was your day? If he opened his eyes, he could see that. And there have been times when our kids were really little that I would have a rough day in the administrative office. And I want to come home and just relax and not deal with problems. And so then through the door you hear a couple of little kids who are screaming or crying or something like that. And what you want to do, what I want to do, I should say, at times like that, is come in and immediately say, oh my, what a day at the office. What does that say to the family? Leave me alone. I don't want any more problems. And one day when that was happening, The Lord convicted me from Matthew 11, 28 to 32, where Jesus said, come on to me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. And I was just being prepared to say, stay away from me, all you that labor and heavy laden. I need some rest. And I thought, I am not like Jesus. And that's where you, men, that's where you do take the role of the savior of the church. And you come in there and do what is needed. And by the way, don't just start taking kids and doing whatever. It's best to ask her, how can I best help right now? And she might say, finish this job, or take those clothes out of the dryers before they burn up. Or she may have something that she is saying. And what you want to do instinctively in your male brain may not be the thing that's most helpful to her. So ask her, how can I help you right now? What's the best way I can help you? What you're trying to do is create an understanding of what's going on in her world. that you want an understanding of that so that you can contribute that. But our communication can go awry pretty quickly. Creating understanding is hard work. And it has to come out of hearts that really, that first lecture, it's gotta come out of hearts that are really committed to one another and committed to the Lord. That we're gonna handle these things God's way and not the way we're thinking about it for ourselves. So, the last principle of communication is speak up truthfully and lovingly. We speak the truth in love. And in Ephesians 4.29, Paul says, let no corrupt or destructive communication proceed out of your mouth. How much? None. Zero, nada, zilch. Anything that is cutting that is demeaning, that is off-putting, you let none of that come out of your mouth. But only that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace to the hearer. So do people feel like they have more desire and power to do the right thing because of what you just said? Or are they tripped up and they're about to do something sinful because you responded sinfully to this? And what I want you to see, well, here's the whole passage. I read verse 29, or just quoted 29. Verse 30, and grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby you're sealed unto the day of redemption. If I want my children to flourish in the ways of the Lord, if I want my wife to flourish in the ways of the Lord, then I can't be living in my house in ways that grieve the Spirit of God. I want Him to work in them. I want Him to work in my wife and my children. I want Him to work in myself and I can't be grieving the Spirit of God. He said, so let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor or yelling and evil speaking or slander be put away from you with all malice, with all ill will. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you. I was dealing with a couple some years ago that really they were always at each other's throats. They had a young son, maybe seven or eight years old, And one of the assignments was to read this together, and I began memorizing it, but read it together at least twice a day. Together, I want you to read this twice. Out loud, I want you to read it out loud together. And so they decided to do that on the way to work. They both worked at the same place, and the son was at a nearby school. And so on the way to school and work every day, they read this in the car. And it had a profound impact on their own son, but it had a profound impact on them because every day we're listening to God say what is appropriate and what is inappropriate in the way we talk to him. And God, with using this passage of scripture, revolutionized their hearts and the way they talked to each other and the way their marriage flourished after that was just wonderful. You have a diagram on your notes like this. Corrupt communication. Attacks people and I said this before but I think I can't say it enough Husbands you really need the perspective of your life I And because I was, my office was in the former administration building at the university and we lived back campus. And oftentimes I'd get off kind of late because of a late appointment and had to be back for a meeting. And so Patty, even though we were on campus, it was about a mile, Patty would come and pick me up in our minivan. and drive me home. It was a wonderful time where she could fill me in on everything that was going on at home. We had three teenage daughters at that time. That can be a lot of drama on some days. And by the time we got home, Then I had an understanding from her about what was going on. And I could walk in the door, and one of my daughters would be teary, and she's looking at her homework, and kind of teary, and I realized she'd had a really rough day. And I could come in and say, Mom, and sit down across from her and say, Mom told me you had a rough day. I am so sorry. Do you want to talk about it? And that just opened up all kinds of things. in my natural, mechanical way of doing things. Otherwise, I would have come home and say, so what are you grumpy about today? That would not be helpful. So, and growing up with two brothers on a farm, as I mentioned earlier, everything was pretty mechanical and cut and dried and king on the hill kind of mentality with each other. Don't do that with your daughters or your wife. Shouldn't do it with your brothers either. But you need your wife's perspective. And I mentioned this illustration to you, but I really want to reinforce this with you guys. We have two eyes, and we look at the same thing from little different angles, and that gives us the depth perception we need. If you have only one eye, you don't have depth perception. And it can be very, very difficult. Those two eyes have to be, her perspective, what she tells me is going on in the girl's life was different than I would have had a perspective coming into it, and that helped modify that, and we could think together about that, and sometimes I could bring something into that we could talk about that she hadn't thought about yet, and by the time we got home, we have a unified, we're looking at the same thing from different angles, and we see the same thing, We communicate with one another, and we're able to come with a unified front on how we're going to help. You have to be talking to each other. And some people have a black belt in karate, verbal karate. Some people have the personality of a burlap hat. Those have to be changed by the grace of God. You might say, well, I just have to be honest. Well, that's all right, but be honest and loving. Well, I just call some luck I season. Well, call some lucky season, but do it kindly and lovingly. The goal is to gain unity and agreement, not to win the battle in this. I have a little demonstration here. I want to do to show you what happens when you have people. So I'm going to need a volunteer here. You know what this is? Robin, will you help me? OK, Robin. I will not hurt you. Now, using that pencil, come in at the side and touch that, just on the point. So that works, right? So well that now I have two pencils. It's an amazing feat. Now, do you trust me? OK. All right. I will not hurt you. I promise I will not hurt you. Hold it up higher because of the pulpit. I want you to set that off with your finger. Okay, thank you. While we were talking I just took the springs off. I have had some ladies, and I keep saying, I will not hurt you. Your husband will kill me if I hurt you. I will not hurt you. And in tears, and the audience is in tears while she's debating this. The point, if this pencil was your finger, that would really hurt. And then if I ask you to do it with your finger and it really hurt and I ask you to do it again, you're probably not going to do it. My point is once you have deeply hurt somebody, they're going to have a hard time trusting you. And that often happens in marriages where people are really cruel with their words and cutting with their words. And if that has been your case, you need to ask forgiveness for selfishly thinking only of yourself and not of the other person. You need to ask forgiveness of God and your spouse or your children or anybody else at work or family, extended family. But then you can't expect that there's always going to be a ready trust. You can destroy trust in a moment. You build trust over time. And trust is built by consistent caring. Because if I really let this trap go off on Robin's finger, that would have not been caring. And if I were going to regain her trust, she would have to see, let's say we were working in the same offices, I would have to demonstrate over a period of time that I am now trustworthy. Trust isn't automatically restored when somebody asks you forgiveness and you say, well, of course I forgive you. Or will you forgive me? And they say, yes, I'll forgive you. Well, then why don't you trust me? Well, because you're not trustworthy yet. And whether this trap was set off by pornography and a betrayal that way or by cruel and harsh words or other things, it is the responsibility of the person who did the deep hurt to now become consistently caring in God's way of doing it for that trust to be rebuilt. Does that make sense? Do not try this at home. So here's how our communication gets corrupted. And you watch for this in your children as you're parenting. A tone of voice, watch your tone of voice. Did you know that 90%, I don't know how this is ever measured, but 90% of friction in communication is created by the tone of voice. Your words convey your thoughts, but your tone of voice communicates your attitude. And that's what is the most hurtful. I can say the same words with a different tone and mean something entirely different. I can say, thanks a lot. Or I can say, thanks a lot. I have said the exact same words, but my tone has totally, 180 degrees, communicated a different meaning. And you must watch your tone. You must watch your tone with your children. You must watch the tone of how your children talk with one another. And a saying in our house constantly was, you don't have to do this or you don't have to do that with somebody who wants them to play or something, but you have to be kind. You have to be kind. And tone comes from your heart. Yes, and your tone comes from your heart. That's what reveals your heart even more so than your words, is how that's coming. Say, I didn't mean that. At the moment, you did, or you wouldn't have said it. Say, I'm sorry, honey, I said that. I really didn't mean that. That is a lie. You said it because you meant it. And as I said last week, none of us have problems with communication. All of us communicate very well. Our problem is that our communication is often not biblical communication. But people get our drift. We are always communicating. They know what we're saying and what we're meaning by what we're saying. Secondly, watch your timing. We talked about this a little bit last week. Two times not to talk through problems, bedtime and mealtime. And I mentioned to you last week, or when he comes home from work time, or you come home from work time, any time, I said last week, any time is a good time that's not a bad time. There are very rarely any perfect times to talk. So if it's not a bad time, you probably ought to be, and something needs to be talked about, you probably need to do that. And lastly, watch your tact. Your notes say, fitting words require forethought. In other words, you've got to communicate like a cheerleader is for the team. You've got to, in your communication, you've got to be kind of, you know, as Patty would say, honey, can I tell you something because I love you? She's for me. She mentioned there are things that I would say. I grew up on a farm with a lot of animals. 700 head of cattle, 700 sheep, a couple hundred hogs, scads of chickens, and 10 or 15 cats. And they kept the mice down in the drain and all kinds of things. We would never anymore bring a cat into the house than we would a hog into the house as part of the lifestyle. So I haven't had strong affections for cats. I don't hate cats. I don't do cruel things to cats. I don't any longer make jokes about cats. I'm just describing my journey here about cats. And Patty told me one day, she said, you know, because I would make some references. And Patty would say, honey, I think you're hurting your ministry with some people who really love their cats. And once you take that tone, they're not going to want to listen to you because they don't think you care. And some people, you just, so anyway, she's telling me in a tactful way, because she's for me, ways that my communication, either with our daughters, or even in communication in public, she's showing she's for me by helping me use, by tactfully telling me to be more tactful. And then Finney requires that forethought, F-O-R thought, and then forethought, which means thinking before. Proverbs 15, 28 says, the heart of the righteous studyeth how to answer. He takes time thinking through how he's going to say something. But the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things. I mean, he just dumps. and then edifying communication attacks problems. So how do you do that? Well, let's say your wife is making some accusations. Did you know that there's part of it that's probably true? So one way to start agreement on this is come around and look at yourself through her eyes and say, honey, you're right. that was not helpful, that was thoughtless, that was selfish, whatever. You gotta be humble enough to agree with her that the portion that is true, now she may have exaggerated, she may be flustered about a whole bunch of other things and brings all of that frustration into this conversation, but the way to deescalate that is come along and with humility and say, honey, you're right. I wasn't thinking about you when I came through the door. I was just thinking, I'm not going to get my downtime. So you can always get agreement on that. One way to help with this, I've done this in a lot of men's retreats. Say, the best marriage manual you have outside of the Bible is your wife. And I said, here's a challenge I want you to take. I want you to go home tonight. This was the one I'm telling you about was in a church in the Midwest. And the men's retreat was at the church, and they were staying at home, and they're coming back Saturday. And then I was preaching Sunday morning. So it was on Saturday. I gave the men this final assignment. I said, if you really want to know how to improve your marriage, go to your wife and say, honey, on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate our marriage? And I'll not make you defend it, I'll not, I just honestly want to know, on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate our marriage? And let's say she says, well, right now, she's being generous. and wants to be kind, doesn't want to have a blow-up here, so she says, well, right now, about 7.56. And you say, OK, that's helpful for me. And you don't say, 7.56? How can you be that picky? Or whatever, 5.6? You don't give any negative feedback. You want to be a safe person to get input from your wife. And then say, honey, what would it take on my part to move our marriage from 7.56 to 8, or 8.56? What would it take? Did you know she knows that? But she's not going to tell you the big things. She's going to send up a trial balloon and see what you do with it. So she might say, I wish you'd be more faithful in taking out the trash. Kids love to play in it, and it's always a problem. You know what you better do? You better start taking out the trash religiously. Take it out the day before. Empty those trash cans in the house. This has got to become a part of your routine. Why? Because she said this would help our marriage. You care about your marriage, you better be taking out the trash. And when she sees that consistent care for her, you can come back and say, honey, has that moved any? Yeah, it's 8.23 now. I'm really glad. Honey, what would it take for me to move it from 8.23 to a whole number nine? Did you know she knows that? The next day, Sunday morning, I was preaching at the church and Scott, one of the men in the church, comes up to me and he says, I got to tell you something. My wife gave me an eight. And I said, Scott, that's thrilling. He said, yeah, I told her on a scale of six to 10, where am I? I said, Scott, you don't get it, do you? You can't know how to improve your marriage or your parenting without honestly, lovingly talking to each other. But all that communication is predicated on the commitment ahead of time that the most important thing is that we be like Jesus and we represent Jesus to each other and to our children. It all starts with the strength of your own personal walks with God. And marriage, you know, getting married, how many of you work with wood at all? Okay, I've done a little bit, built a couple of cabinets. You might think you have this thing all just beautiful until you put a stain on it or paint it. And then you see the little gouge marks that are still left or the sanding marks that are left. Marriage is like that. It tends to bring out all the defects in your own life. And you've got to love Jesus more than yourself. And you've got to love others more than yourself for you to really change to become the kind of partner that can raise, as Malachi says, raise up a godly seed. Parenting starts with a marriage. If the marriage isn't right, the parenting can't come out right. God can do some miraculous things, but he would rather be using parents. He put in every family, in your families, he's presented models of what he wants your children to be like. And as I said last week, that's why God gives you 13 years before you have a teenager. You've got a lot to work on. And about that age, 7th and 8th grade, the neurons start finally connecting all together, and they start thinking. And when you're little, when your kids are little, and you're bigger and you're more powerful, you can say, do that because I told you, you want a spanking, or whatever, and you can control their behavior. And they don't notice all of your problems, except dad's always bad. Their mom's always worried, or whatever it is. Then they get about junior high age. A lot of rebellion starts, not as a rebellion against rules, but a rebellion against the relationships. Why is dad telling me to control my temper when he can't control what he puts in his mouth? They start thinking. And they start dismissing your instruction because you're asking them to do things that you're violating, but only in a little different way. And they think through that stuff. And you can't ever be perfect, but where you're not, where you do something wrong, you've got to be humble enough to ask them forgiveness and get back on the right track. So get agreement. In seventh grade, I gave our daughters, I found a survey to give your early teens, and I gave it to the girls. It was just like seven questions, and I did the same thing. I told them, don't, I will not defend it, I will not ask you, you can write in this, whatever you want, I need this input from you. And some of the things were things I didn't expect, or things I didn't, things they noticed that I didn't notice. And I dug those out a little while back and looked at them, and they're so helpful. You need to set up a climate where even your kids can give you input when you ask for it. They'll give you plenty of free input. But if you're really trying to grow, they need to know that you're open to help. Biblical communication, what we want to do is get working together on the problem. Admit you're part of the problem, ask forgiveness, get things reconciled, and then start working on the problem. Otherwise, the problem just stays up there. It's never resolved. It could be a finance problem, a sex problem, it could be an in-law problem, and it never gets resolved. And we've got to get working together on that problem. So I leave you with a couple of principles here. Next week, we'll get into some more specifics about actual parenting. But I'm telling you, all the principles in the world will not help your kids if they're seeing bad examples in front of them. This marriage has to demonstrate Christ in the church. It's got to demonstrate biblical communication. It's got to demonstrate love and humility and all of those things that are part of just being a Christian, a growing Christian. We never arrive, but we ought to be progressing. So two things I want to leave you with. Growing believers are committed to speaking up truthfully and lovingly for the good of others and for the glory of God. It's not just because it goes better for you. Dr. Babsini used to say, honesty is the best policy. But if you're honest because it's the best policy, you're a crook. Honesty is the best policy because God is a truthful God and we want to emulate him. So all of these things that we need to change are because we need to be conformed to the image of Jesus and present that image to our followers, our children, for the good of others and for the glory of God. God loves to watch his children get along. I love when our grandchildren or even our own children were younger. It's fun to watch them. There was a series of books that we got when the girls were really young, early elementary, called The Get Along Gang. And it had all kinds of scenarios and taught them the principle about how to do this. It's really gratifying to watch your children playing together peacefully or to watch your grandchildren play together peacefully and work out problems. All of our grandkids are junior high or above now. and watching all the cousins get together and they have the most wonderful time. They don't fight. They're not trying to be one upman or show one on top of the other. It's just wonderful. You just look at that and you say, praise God. Imagine how, that's how I feel. Imagine how God feels when he looks down at your marriage and sees two of his children, the bride and the groom in this marriage, getting along. and he gives you children, your home, and you all get along. Doesn't mean you don't have problems, doesn't mean that you don't sin, but it means that you handle those things biblically, and you restore that unity, and you're working on that together. God loves that. He died for us to be reconciled to one another, and to our children, and to our in-laws, and to our coworkers. Reconciliation is at the heart of the gospel. If we're living out the gospel, we're living reconciling lives. Okay, I'm gonna leave it at that, since we have one minute. So, let's go over here, just a moment. If you have particular questions about parenting, that you'd like to see covered in the next couple of weeks, all on this foundation. I mean, we've given you a foundation here. So what are some specific things? Not, I have a brother who's a teenager, that this is for the first 10. This is for you, where you are. or when you have children, his parents did it this way and you did it, your parents did it this way and you want to know how should we do this. So just send me an email, jberg, j-b-e-r-g at bju.edu or send it to pberg, patberg, bju.edu and do that sooner rather than later so we have a little time. this week to think through it. But we'd be glad to help. All right, let's pray. Lord Jesus, thank you that you came to this earth to reconcile us to your father. And our God now is reconciled. And we have heard his pardoning voice. And we thank you for that. And we pray that you would help us as couple is to live out that reconciliation with one another and with our children and with our in-laws and with our neighbors and with our coworkers. Because you have made us ambassadors of reconciliation on this earth. Help us to be the kind of people that you can use in the lives of our children and each other's lives and the lives of those around us, we pray. Thank you for your goodness, for your word that you've given us and for the spirit you've put in us. We thank you, Lord Jesus. We pray these things in your name. Amen.