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Well, this morning we're going to continue examining the causes of conflict, how to prevent and solve them, resolve them if possible. I've pointed out for several weeks now that good communication is critical to avoid the misunderstandings which underlie probably a good measure if not most conflicts. It's just there's a misunderstanding somewhere along the line and we end up with conflict. So do the work necessary to have good communication. And it does take work. There will be a link on the online sermon to what I talked about some weeks ago if you missed that on how do you practice good communication skills. Well, this next chart we've had up for quite a while. I've been using, because it's a simple diagram, it's a modified from the one in Before You Say I Do by Norm Wright, because it very quickly explains our responses to conflict in relationship to how much we value the issue we have a conflict over and how much we value the relationship. If you value both highly, you're gonna work toward a resolution, you wanna resolve it. If you don't care about either, they're very low on your list, well, you just withdraw. not worth the time and effort. If you care highly about the relationship and the issue's not important to you, well, you're just gonna yield to the other person. Why fight about something when it doesn't matter to you, right? And if the issue is of critical importance, it may supersede the value of the relationship, in which case you have to go for the win. There's a lot of truth, we simply have to do that. Now most conflicts we're going to have are going to be in the middle in that area of compromise. Compromise is when you don't get everything you'd like, but at least it's in the area of acceptability and so you can work it out. So off you go in the area of compromise. Now the root cause, now how you respond to the conflict and it's going to depend on your values and your priorities. The closer you walk with God, the closer you know Him, that you're yielding yourself to the Spirit's will, the closer your values and priorities will match God's. That's where we really want them. We're going to have conflicts. Let's make sure it's a conflict over something worth having conflict over. That's going to be true only if we're really valuing what God values. Godliness and your manner of dealing with the conflict is going to be directly related to your maturity and walking with the Lord. The greater your closeness and walking with him in his will according to his direction then the nicer you will be in your conflict because the Lord is good and you should reflect that. Now the root cause of all conflict and the foolishness it brings to life is sin. But that manifests itself in a lot of different ways. Pride is the original sin, one of the three areas in which we're tempted and it aggravates conflict wherever it pops up. Now the solution to pride is humility, and that's also the necessary element in the solution to sin, which is repentance, turning away from sin and turning to have faith in Christ, to believe on Him, and then to walk and follow with Him. Now I've already covered issues of conflict that arise from issues related to knowledge, being ignorant, naive, receiving foolish counsel, or those who actually just plain pursue foolishness. The solution to all those issues related to lack of knowledge and being naive is gain knowledge of the truth and then follow it. That will also help you defend against foolish counsel, but then you also need to develop wise counsel. Get to know godly people, wise people who can give you the encouragement and direction and counsel you need. And then withdraw from those who pursue foolishness, because as Proverbs 13, 20 both commends and warns, he who walks with the wise will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. I also covered conflicts caused by character issues such as being selfish, self-righteous, stubborn, critical, quarrelsome, and wicked. The solution to all of those begins with humility that results in repentance from sin and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ because that results in His righteousness being imputed to you. That then continues to grow in you as you walk in the Spirit in obedience to Christ as His disciple. Now that will end up resulting in the opposite traits of the ones that cause conflict. Instead, you become selfless, you become reasonable, you become an encourager, you become someone who's a peacemaker instead of a troublemaker, and you become good. Your standards are then set according to God's words instead of man's musings. you put into practice 1 Thessalonians 5.14 to admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, and be patient with everyone. Now this morning we're going to look at some additional causes of conflict and their solutions related to some character traits, and then move on to the behaviors related to them. This week's going to include being temperamental, hateful, harsh, demanding, contention, nagging, and manipulative. Next week we're going to look at neglectful, indifferent, unfair, indiscreet, shameful, and unfaithful. Now keep in mind that all behavior originate from what you think and believe. Jesus warned about this in Mark 7, 21 and 23. From within, out of the heart men proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensualities, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man. So solutions behavior have to go beyond just stopping the behavior and changing the behavior. They need to go to the heart issues, what's underlying it. Well let's first look at demanding contention and nagging. And these all go together because nagging is simply the continued repeating of the demanding. Okay? Now in mature relationships and in marriages that are following God's design, demanding and nagging won't be a problem. At least should not be a problem. And there's not gonna be the contention because there's a different desire that you have. The selfishness should not be there. The desire is to respectfully argue your point without demanding. In fact, in a godly marriage and godly relationships, you actually would be anticipating and asking about what might be liked before anything else is being said. You're not demanding, you're actually seeking the other person's good. So you're gonna ask questions first, not just say, here's what I want and I want it now. Arguing would be an exchange of reason and evidence to come to a wise and mutual decision instead of trying to win a debate. That isn't helpful. In your relationships, it doesn't do any good to win a debate. You're trying to develop the relationship and come to something mutual that is wise and godly. There would not be contention in such relationship, even if there's strong differences of opinion. Motives are different. Demanding, contention, nagging, they're contrary to that kind of maturity. In fact, they're not mature in any way of communication. They are rooted in selfishness. And that's the difference. In maturity, you're looking out for the other person. In immaturity, you're looking out for yourself, and that's going to result in these kind of behaviors. Now, I am trying to make a distinction here, though, that expressing your desires, presenting the reasons for your opinion, and reminding someone about something, and being demanding contentions or nagging are very different from each other. Okay? What makes the difference is your motivation. If you are looking out for the best interests of others, as we're commanded to do in Philippians chapter 2, verses 3 and 4, then you're going to be humble, you'll be gentle, you'll be kind in what you say and how you say it. You will speak the truth in love. If you're selfish, you're going to go down the path of sin and that is going to come out in how you express yourself. Now the problem for most of us is our motivations are mixed. I would really like to please the other person. I would like what's in their best interest. But guess what? I also want what I want. Now I have mixed motives, don't I? And that's going to be a problem. It can take very conscious efforts. You've got to be thinking about it to set aside the selfishness that's inherent within us and then move to what is best for your spouse, your family, your friends. It's going to take some work. It's not going to be natural. Unless you've been doing it so long, it becomes natural for you. Frankly, how much you demand a nag are indicators of how well you're doing at being a husband, a wife, or a friend that God actually wants you to be. So we can just use that as an indicator. If you're a nag, you've got a long way to go. You've got some godliness that needs to get instilled into you, right? If you're making demands all the time, you've got a ways to go. Let me give you an example to illustrate some of this. Let's say one of your children is going to be in a performance. and we'll make it a church performance, because it's really important to be here when your kids are doing something, right? And you both agreed you need to be there, but you kind of notice, well, let's see, it's about time to go, we got about an hour, and then we need to leave. And you notice that your spouse is obviously distracted by something. Now, a loving spouse, a kind spouse, the kind of spouse you want to be married to, is going to give a very gentle reminder. Something sort of like, hey honey, just in case you're not aware of the time, we need to leave in about an hour, okay? And you might even say something to encourage, like, would you like me to get a shower first or you wanna go first? Okay, that's deferring, right? Or even, is there something I can do to help you to get ready? Now, isn't that the kind of person you wanna be married to? My wife's just going, yes, okay. Well, that is communication that is motivated by an unselfish desire to be helpful. Now, contrast that to demands by someone who is selfish, okay? Honey, we gotta leave here in an hour, so stop that and go get ready. Really? Now, I don't know about you, but as a man, my reaction to that immediately is, huh, really? Uh-huh, uh-uh, I'm not doing it your way, okay? That's just gonna be a natural reaction. And then every five to 10 minutes, they're back again telling you, we gotta leave, stop it, get going, get ready, I don't wanna be late. Ah, the real motive comes out, I don't wanna be late. So you gotta be there on time, otherwise I look bad. Hmm. Now the tone in how you say it is a big part of that too, right? That kind of nagging promotes contention. It promotes a wrong response. The first communication is kind, but as time passes, the reminders become more demanding and contentious. And it just gets elevated. The problem behind it, selfish or unselfish. Looking out for the other person's best interest, the best interest of the whole family, or just for yourself. Now Proverbs has a lot of verses about contentious nagging. Now the Proverbs tend to describe the more extreme cases, but that does not mean moderate or even occasional episodes of nagging are not irritating. They are. And they can cause serious damage to a relationship. Let me give you some examples. Proverbs 19 verse 13 states this, A foolish son is destruction to his father, and the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping. The more foolish the son, the more destructive the father, but the destruction of any type can be serious. In the same way, a contentious wife is compared to a constant dripping. And if you've ever tried to sleep someplace where something's doing that, you become fixated on it. Okay, you go in and you're cranking the faucet until you break it because you just stop dripping, right? Right? It's irritating. And so he's using a common thing that they'd understand. And we understand as well. The more contentious, the more irritating. Proverbs 27, 15, and 16 tells us it's not an easy problem to fix. A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike. He who would restrain her restrains the wind and grasps oil." Ouch. Now, why is this so damaged to marriage and other close relationships? Well, what do you do if you have a dripping faucet? You try to fix it, right? You try to get some way for it to stop. That progresses from temporary fixes to permanent fixes, or at least you hope they're permanent, to I'm replacing it. Yielding to nagging is always a temporary fix. If the underlying problem is not corrected, it continues. And if that continues, then a more permanent fix is sought. Proverbs 21, 19 describes that. It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman. Now this proverb is not advocating isolation within the family. It is simply describing what ends up happening. If there's continued contention, there's tendencies you're going to start isolating from each other. Now a proverb singles out the woman not because women are necessarily more contentious. They're not. but they'll express it differently. Proverbs 26, 21 explains that men can also be contentious, but notice the difference. Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife. Women tend to be more centered on the relationship, so they're gonna continue to work at it. Men tend to, I just want peace, you abandon it. Or you try to overpower it. And so the idea of it being better to have the peace that comes with living in the corner of the roof than be in isolation and sharing the normal living space with someone who's contentious. Now the problem gets worse. It's described as Proverbs 21, 19. It is better to live in the desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman. When I lived in California and started in pastoral ministry, I was counseling a couple. and the life was quite contentious, and the man had only recently become a Christian. He came in one day to talk to me about what he had been reading. He was growing in Christ rapidly, and he was reading through the whole Bible. He got to Proverbs, and he got to the proverb we just read. And he was very serious about this. Now, we lived in San Fernando Valley. Go over a couple mountain ranges, and you're in the Mojave Desert. He very early went, does this mean, does this first mean I can go live out in the desert? And he meant it with all seriousness. I said, I understand, I sympathize with you, but it's not giving you the freedom to do that. But he understood his point. He would gladly have traded shade trees grass for sand, sagebrush. He gladly would have traded a nice cool breeze that tends to come in the valley in the summer that comes off the ocean and it cools down the evening to, I just have a hot blast of wind off the desert all day. Because that's how bad it was. One person quipped, bachelors have no idea what married bliss is. But that's also true for a lot of husbands. Don't let that be true in your house. Proverbs 14.1, the wise woman builds her house, the foolish one tears it down by her own hands. But that goes for the guys too. You can tear it down with your own hands. Now what's the solution? Since the root of these things is selfishness, the solution is to become unselfish. That in turn takes you right back to the necessity of humility, which in turn takes you back to the foundation of all wrong behavior. You need to repent from that, repent from what's underlying it, and start walking with the Lord Jesus Christ. I need to start pursuing righteousness in my life. The foundation for all unselfish behavior is gonna be humility. Philippians chapter 2 verses 3 through 8 commands us as Christians to pursue this and then gives Christ as the example. It says this, Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also in Christ Jesus. who although he existed in the form of God did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a bondservant and being made in the likeness of men, and being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by being obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." So Jesus is the example of the humility that Paul is giving to us in the command. Follow that example. Follow that kind of sacrificial love that should characterize the life of every Christian. Now if you tend toward being demanding, contentious, nagging, then humble yourself. Consider the other person as more important than yourself and look for ways you can serve instead of being served. For how you can give instead of receiving and for how you can be a blessing to others instead of a curse. Now, if you live with such a person, well, continue to be humble yourself. Be patient yourself. Don't respond in a like manner that is only going to aggravate the situation and make it worse. Instead, show by your example a different way. Show that you're relying upon Christ. So, ladies, that means you continue to be chaste and respectful, and men, it means you continue to love sacrificially in following Jesus' example. You set your goal on glorifying God, being obedient to Him and glorifying Him by that, regardless of what foolishness you may have to endure at the hands of your spouse or some friend. You be the example. Now going on, if we add wickedness to the mix of pride, self-righteousness, and selfishness I talked about last week, we end up with people who are temperamental, harsh, or even hateful. Now, nagging is bad enough, but a temperamental person is much worse. A hothead. Complaining is irritating enough, but when it is done harshly, it's much worse. Quarreling can be damaging enough, but when it is hateful, it can cause an injury that's hard to heal. Do not allow wickedness to characterize you in any way, shape, or form. All those are sure ways to destroy your relationships and to destroy your home. Now when it comes to temper, Proverbs 29.11 sets the contrast. A fool always loses his temper, but the wise man holds it back. So how fast you lose your temper is an indicator of how foolish you are. Proverbs 14.29 then adds, he who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly. So the two go hand in hand. Hothead foolishness, they go together. A hot temper invariably results in saying things that should not be said in a way that should not be expressed. And when you give others a piece of your mind, then consider this. You have less of it left with which to function, okay? The result is a harshness, and that just aggravates the situation. Proverbs 29, 22, an angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression. You could also result in hatred, and that also stirs up strife. Proverbs 10, 12. Now the wise understand that the most important time to hold their temper is one the other person has already lost theirs. There is no more important time. You've got to keep your cool if they've gotten hot. Proverbs 15.1, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15.18, as a hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger pacifies contention. So a wise person understands that if they are right, then they can afford to keep their temper. And if they are wrong, they can't afford to lose it. However, even if your spouse is wise, is kind, is patient, a loving individual, willing to cover up your transgressions with that love, a hot temper, harshness, hatred, will still destroy the relationship. That love can be worn down so that eventually isolation is sought. Proverbs 15, 17. Better is a dish of vegetables where love is than a fatted ox and hatred with it. Now they may still love and cover your transgressions, but they're going to start seeking out solitude and then continue in that because they want some peace. If that means by avoiding you, they're going to start avoiding you. It's not uncommon for those married to such contentious and harsh spouses to stay at work longer, spend more time away from home with friends or doing hobbies or even volunteer work. And when home, they will find themselves some way to get into a different room than where you are. They're just trying to keep the distance because it's too painful. Now what's the solution? Well, again, if your marriage is such a harsh person, then you have to commit yourself to fulfilling your God-given role in marriage and glorify God in the midst of it while striving to make the best of it. Now, that can be very difficult. Yet, it is still success if you are fulfilling what God wants you to do. Because the goal in life is not pleasing your spouse, it's not pleasing your friends, it's not pleasing other people. The goal in life is pleasing God. And if that becomes the goal that I have to have in order to get along with who I'm married to, or who I'm having to work with, or whatever relationships are kind of forced upon you, then that goal is still sufficient. They may not be nice people to be around, but I am still doing what I know I need to do, and God is pleased with me. And that's enough. As you are transformed by the renewing of your mind, and that occurs as you learn God's word and follow it, then it changes the relationship. Because the other prophets still fit, right? A gentle answer turns away wrath. Don't respond in kind, learn to respond in a godly manner. Demonstrate Christ in your life. And the body of Christ is here as part of the help for that. Remember that part of the Great Commission is to teaching them to observe whatsoever things I've commanded. That means that's all of us. We help each other to do these things. We encourage, we may have to admonish. I appreciate Alex saying that at the end of his testimony. You need the encouragement, but sometimes you need the admonishment. We do that for each other. And if you have a problem with a temper, well then talk to somebody. Talk to myself, talk to any of our leaders. We'll get you set up with somebody who can help you start working through those issues. Because there's something behind it. Something you're believing that's not right. But we can help you learn to become the person that God actually wants you to be. And you and your family and your friends will be blessed by that. Now, the last behavior we're talking about this morning is to manipulate. To manipulate is to control our influence cleverly or unscrupulously. Now, the origin of this foolish behavior is also selfishness. Often, there's some pride mixed in with it. Manipulation may be done in the effort to get something you desire, or it may be done to avoid something you don't want. In either case, manipulation starts chipping away at the trust that is needed for good relationships and a godly marriage. Manipulation often includes purposeful efforts to mislead, such as withholding pertinent information and then lying. That is contrary to the honesty that is needed in healthy relationships. Now in a good marriage, in good relationships, husband and wife are going to freely share their thoughts, their opinions openly and honestly because the effort is they both want the same thing. The wisest decision possible for the family. It's not about them, it's about the whole family. What is the best decision? Proverbs 12, 5 reminds us, the way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel. In a good marriage that wise counsel starts with the spouse. That's part of the reason God put him or her with you. A husband that does not seek the counsel of his wife plays into the hands of foolishness. A wife that operates independent of her husband or uses her counsel to her husband to manipulate him also plays into the hands of foolishness. Manipulation hinders the best decision because it's selfish quest is to bring about the desired decision. It is the proud and foolish that are wise in their own eyes that think that what they want and their way is always best. Proverbs 26 12 warns, Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. You have to have enough humility to at least gather the necessary information and then give it all due consideration in order to make a wise decision. Proverbs 18, 13 states, he who gives an answer before he hears, it is a folly and shame to him. Now that's true not just of the person that makes the decision before getting counsel. It also includes the one who's physically there, the audio has been on, but they paid no attention to it. Did they really hear? Yeah, they heard physically but they didn't hear because there's nothing that actually got into the brain. They've ignored it. They don't listen. Their mind's too busy thinking about something else or maybe thinking about what they're going to say next instead of paying attention to what's being said. Manipulation is also foolish because it damages the foundations of trust and structure for making honest, well-informed, mutual decisions that are needed to support a healthy home. Now, in political correctness, manipulation is called spin or disinformation. It's political season. We hear that a lot, don't we? Do you know the scriptures have two different words for that? Deceit and lying. Just should be honest about it. It's deceit and lying. And be prepared, a lot more is coming. It is political season. Proverbs 4 describes a father directing his son to be wise and to put a deceitful mouth and devious leaps far from him, Proverbs 4 24. Because as Proverbs 12 20 states, deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil. If someone's deceitful, you can be sure there's an evil heart that's behind it. Proverbs 12.17 tells us that deceit is a mark of a false witness. 14.8 says it is the folly of fools. I hope you understand that it is deceitful to purposely withhold information in the effort to get what you want. So I'm not referring to emphasizing what supports your point of view. That is a common, that's a proper practice in persuasion. I'm referring to purposely ignoring valid counter arguments and purpose withholding information that might have a negative effect upon the desired outcome. Let me give you a couple examples. An opportunity has come up to do something you really would like to do. It could be going out and doing something fun for the evening, maybe get away for a couple days, perhaps something you've wanted for a long time and it's gone on sale and you want to purchase it. Something good. But because the decision to do this is gonna involve your spouse, it'll have an impact on the family budget, you're gonna have to talk it over. In that discussion, there's nothing wrong with emphasizing the reasons for taking advantage of the opportunity. It's on sale now, it's something I do want and I will need it in the future, and I'll say this much, that's a proper argument, right? It could be a proper argument. We've been under a lot of stress. We really need to get away. I need to get away. Is there any way we can do that? That's a proper persuasive argument, right? Now what if you're also aware that in the mail today came an unexpectedly large bill? Or you're aware the washing machine just broke? Or a meeting you're supposed to be in just got changed and it's going to conflict if you want to go away? Now, any of those have a strong potential then to block you from getting what you want. Now, if you purposely ignore them or withhold the information discussion, that is deceitful manipulation. Tragically, such deceit is a common practice fueled by selfishness. I know the counter-argument and I'm going to stay away from that one. I know reasons why we probably shouldn't do this, but I'm not going there. I want what I want. That's deceit. Let me add that the use of such deceit, even in the effort to avoid hurting someone, is not wise and it is not the mark of a friend. Proverbs 27, 6 says, faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. The immediate hurt you might avoid through manipulation may well turn out to allow a lot more hurt to occur in the future because the needed correction was not made. As a pastor, I've had to deal with the tragic results of this in counseling a lot. Ignoring, hiding the problems when they're small allows them to grow into monsters. One of the worst cases was a wife that hid from her husband the actual behavior of their teenage daughter. Why? Because she knew it would upset him. He only found out about it when she became pregnant. Now there was real problems. Ephesians 4, 15, and 25 commands us to lay aside all falsehood and speak the truth in love. Ephesians 4, 29 adds that we are to say what is good for edification according to the need of the moment that it might give grace to those that hear. So we are not to be deceitful, but at the same time we are to have a proper motivation, be careful how we say things. We are truthful, not brutal. We speak the truth in love. We're loving, kind, even when we have to say things that we know are going to be hard to hear and will cause hurt. Your motivation is going to come out in how you say it, and that's going to make a big difference. Deceitful manipulation is a sledgehammer that puts holes in the walls of the home. Outright lying is worse. It's a wrecking ball against the structure of the home and a jackhammer against the foundation. Be warned as well that deceit easily slides into lying. Both Psalm 109 verse 2 and 120 verse 2 join both of those together. Deceit and lying. And then it adds flattery as a combination of the two. Now flattery is the deceitful in the fact that it withholds negative information and emphasizes the positive until it distorts the truth into a lie. Proverbs 26, 28 shows the relationship and the common results of flattering lying. It says this, a lying tongue hates those it crushes and a flattering mouth works ruin. Flattery uses deceit and lies to lure its victim into its trap as stated in Proverbs 29, 5. A man who flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his steps. Proverbs gives several warnings about the flattery of the seductress and adulteress because of this. Flattery is done because it works. We like to get praise. We like people to flatter us. Don't take the bait. It's a means of manipulation. Now lying has become normal in our culture. We even have games now available where lying is the skill you need to win. What kind of game is that? In order to win, you have to be the best liar. That's an abomination. And yet, those are kind of games that are being put out. Either that is the characteristic or you have to use some sort of deceit in order to win. But lying is a serious issue. God views it very negatively. In fact, a lying tongue is one of the six things in Proverbs 6, 16-19 that God states that he hates. Proverbs 12, 22 specifically states lying is an abomination to the Lord. Some of Jesus' strongest rebukes of those who were in opposition to him was that they were liars because they showed the same nature of the devil whom he called the father He called their father because the devil is a liar by nature and the father of lies. Now people think that they can get away with whatever they're trying to get away with by lying. What they actually get, at least eventually it's going to come, is trouble. Proverbs 14.5 states, he who speaks lies is treacherous. And understand this too, if someone's going to lie to you about somebody else, understand they're going to lie about you to other people. They're treacherous. Proverbs 21.6 adds, "...the getting of treasure by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor, the pursuit of death." The contrast in Proverbs 12.19 is stark. Truthful lips will be established forever, but the lying tongue is only for a moment. Liars will be punished, as stated in Proverbs 19.5. A false witness will not go unpunished and he who tells lies will not escape. In fact, Revelation Verse 9 there adds, liars will perish. Revelation 21.8 includes liars are among those that are excluded from heaven and instead will be cast into the lake of fire that burns with brimstone, which is the second death. God takes lying seriously. Lying is extremely harmful to the family because it destroys the trust that is foundational for all proper relationships. Even simple business transactions, in order for them to work, there has to be a degree of trust. If there's lying going on, you can't have trust. That actually hinders business a lot, product or service. When truth, integrity, honor were hallmarks of the American character, business transactions were done on the basis of a simple handshake. When I was young, that's how my dad did all of his business. It was just a handshake. Personal integrity, like that described in Psalm 15, 4. He swears to his own hurt and does not change was a quest. And if I made a bad deal and I'm going to get hurt by it, so be it. I will not change. I will keep my promise. And sometimes you promise something and it doesn't go the way you thought it was going to go. And it does cost you. The man of integrity keeps his promises. He will not lie. How is business done now? You have to have a contract for everything and a team of lawyers. A team of lawyers in order to enforce the contract. A team of lawyers to break the contract. And why do we have all this? We don't trust each other. And the cost of business skyrockets. The only ones benefiting in this are the lawyers. They make a pretty good amount. Trying to get you to think you can trust somebody else. Can you trust a lawyer? If it's important in business, understand it's even more important in the family. You have to be able to trust each other. The very first characteristic described in Proverbs 31 explaining why the excellent wife was worth far above jewels is that the heart of her husband trusts in her. The rest of the passage continues to explain other characteristics that she has that give her such a high value. And all of them are direct reasons of why the husband could trust her. She was trustworthy because she was also good and industrious, prudent and diligent. She was attentive, a hard worker, compassionate, confident, dignified, wise and watchful. And that is why she is honored by her children, respected by her husband and acclaimed by the community. We find that being trustworthy is emphasized in a similar way in Psalm 15 which explains the characteristics of the godly man who could abide in the Lord's tabernacle and dwell on His holy hill. Each character trait is related to being trustworthy beginning with walking in integrity. Working righteousness, speaking truth in his heart are the foundations of that integrity. The rest of that psalm goes on to explain that the man's character traits of integrity, righteousness, and truthfulness can be summarized in saying he's a godly individual in his treatment of other people. Trust. Trust is crucial in a family. I'd even venture to say that it is the critical characteristic because without the ability to trust everything else begins to crumble. If a man is not trustworthy, he also lacks integrity and righteousness. If a woman is not trustworthy, she's going to lack goodness and prudence and wisdom and probably most of all the other characteristics in Proverbs 31. Lying, purposely saying things that are not true, destroys trust. And once trust is destroyed, it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort to regain it. You've gotta earn it back. Now if that trust had been broken, give the other person opportunity to earn it back, describe how they can do it, but it's gonna be a lot of work to do it. And until it is earned back, there's a fracture. A husband and wife, good friends, They need to be able to believe each other in every area of life. And in any area where there is not that trust, it's gonna be marked by suspicion. Contention and strife develop and increase as questions arise, and then confrontations occur over those areas of suspicion. It's not uncommon for people to try to avoid contention by becoming secretive, even though that concealment diminishes trust even further. Short-term game, long-term big loss. You've gotta be able to trust each other. So is your character trustworthy? Are you open and honest with your spouse and friends? Would they have cause to be upset if they really knew all that you do? Excluding a surprise gift from them, are there things you have purchased that you have tried to keep hidden from your spouse? Would your partner have caused concern if it was known the real level of your relationship with other people whom you talk to, whom you spend time with? Where there's a lack of trust, there's a breeding ground for jealousy, both founded and unfounded. Simply because there's not trust, jealousy is going to rise. Would an audit of your time and finances reveal someone who has sacrificed for the good of the family? Sacrificed for others? or someone who's selfish. The behaviors associated with being demanding, contentious, nagging, temperamental, harsh, hateful, manipulative, all arise from what you believe and think, often aggravated by emotions. Even secular counseling might get you to change some of the behaviors, or at least moderate them, by convincing you it's in your best interest about what you do and don't do. Christianity is radically different than that. It's different because it brings about a change in the heart, which is changing your motivations, zoning a behavior, guided by what is in the best interest of others instead of self. And that is only possible because the true Christian is born again. They are transformed. They're a new creation in Christ. who is then empowered by the Holy Spirit to understand, to believe, and do what is confusing, incredible, and impossible for the non-Christian. Christ does that for us. It is the work of God in those whose faith in Jesus Christ that enables relationships and marriages to operate on a plane so far above everybody else, it's not recognizable. It seems impossible. How can you really have a relationship like that? It's because of Christ. and He continues to change us. If that's going to happen, you have to be an active disciple of Christ. That means you're submitting your own will to His. So, are you living to fulfill the purpose of your Creator and glorify Him, or living for self? Your relationship with others will reflect the degree which that is true in you. The most beautiful thing about Christianity is that God changes us. Whatever you were, Whatever you are, you don't have to stay that way because He wants you to be going that direction up and become more like Christ. And so the relationships can rebuild. The relationships can be something that they were not. The relationships can be something that glorifies God. And in marriage that means a picture of Christ in the church. And that is such a wonderful thing to pursue and what a blessing when it becomes part of your life and that is what marks your life. So if you're struggling at this point in relationships or even your marriage, take hope. God wants you to change and he will enable you to do so if you will follow him. Father, thank you for the blessings you've given to us in your word. Father, for the wisdom that is recorded for us in Proverbs, such practical, succinct statements of great truths, Father, that we can easily apply in our own lives. I would ask that for anyone here who has struggles in their relationships, or any husband and wife that has a marriage less than what you want, that today will not just be a correction of the things that are wrong, but Father, an encouragement that they can pursue what is right. It can be different. Your desire is for it to be different, and you will enable them, if they will submit to you and follow you, to gain exactly those things. Father, relationships that that are beautiful, that are worth having, that are encouraging, that are great blessings, not only to themselves, but to all that know them, in Jesus' name, amen.
Marriage: Communication Skills Pt. 6-Causes of Conflict C-Behavioral Issues
Series Marriage
This sermon continues the examination of causes of conflict and their solutions related to character traits and then continues on to look at issues related to behavior including being Temperamental, Harsh, Hateful, Demanding, Contention, Nagging and Manipulative.
Sermon ID | 826241119412144 |
Duration | 47:05 |
Date | |
Category | Sunday Service |
Bible Text | 1 Thessalonians 5:14; Mark 7:21-23 |
Language | English |
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