Well, we're going to continue this morning on communication skills, specifically the underlying causes of conflict. Good communication skills are important to all relationships, and they are critical in marriage. Tragically, most marriages, including those among professing Christians, tend not to follow God's design for it. Why? Usually because they're ignorant of it. They don't know what God has said about what marriage is supposed to be, and so they simply follow whatever is going on around them culturally. Whether it's their subculture or culture at large because they're paying attention to different media outlets. Tragically, that means they don't get the blessings that really should be there for marriage. We desire for you to understand God's design for marriage and receive its many blessings. But it does take some work. We've been stressing this, that good, clear communication takes work. And we all should know that, but too often it's easy to fall into a rut and we don't put the work in. Until the other person understands what you're trying to communicate and you understand what they're trying to communicate, you haven't communicated. And so you do have to take the time, ask the questions until you make sure that that actually is happening. You do that, and you will avoid the majority of all conflict, because most of them are actually related to misunderstandings. We assume something, and off we go on it, and then it's not correct. I'm gonna show the, again, this one slide. I just find that it's very helpful. It comes from the workbook for Before You Say I Do by Norm Wright, and it simply describes how to respond to communication in terms of value placed upon the relationship compared to the value of the particular issue in which you're having a conflict. The resolution happens when there's a high value on both the relationship and the particular issue. You're going to work it out. If it's the opposite, a low value on the relationship and the issue, you simply withdraw. You yield when the relationship is much more important than whatever the particular issue is, and then you're going to go for the win if the issue is critically important, much more so than the relationship. Now, most conflicts are somewhere in the middle of that, hence there's going to be some sort of compromise. A compromise means you're not getting exactly what you want, and neither are the other person, but you're at least within the realm of what's acceptable. That's where most of us live. But how are we going to respond? How we respond is actually dependent then on what you value, what your priorities are. And the better you know the Lord, you know His word, you know what He values, the more your values become His. They're like His, I should say. You are becoming more like Him and your values will be proper. You will stand where you need to stand. You'll yield where you need to yield. You'll understand what you need to do. And then the greater your maturity in walking with the Lord, the better you're going to be able to respond in a manner and attitude that is proper before God in the conflict. And that's a big part of it too. Often it's a minor issue that gets blown up because our attitudes are wrong that makes a conflict escalate into really something destructive. And yet the issue itself was really minuscule. It was her attitude. Now we already covered sin as the root cause of all conflict and the foolishness it brings to life because it's contrary to God's will. It's contrary to His design for man. We've also covered pride as the original sin and one of the three major areas in which we can be tempted. It aggravates conflict whenever it's present and it's usually present. The solution to pride is humility, which is also the necessary element in the solution to sin, because it takes humility to actually believe what God has said, repent from our sin, place our faith in Christ, and begin to walk with Him. We have to humble ourselves to understand we're not God. He's God. He knows better than you. But boy, does it come up so often with us, we think we know better than God. That just traces all the way back to Adam and Eve. Now last week, I focus on the issues related to knowledge that are often foundations for conflict. That includes being naive, receiving foolish counsel, and pursuing foolishness. The solution to the foolishness that can arise from a lack of knowledge, the naivete that will often accompany it, is to gain knowledge of the truth and then follow it. You can't just know the truth, you actually have to do something with it. You have to follow it. The solution to foolish counsel is to gain knowledge of truth so you can recognize it's foolish counsel and reject it. And then develop close intimate relationships with those who are wise, those who are godly, so that's the counsel you will follow. And the solution to the dangers of those who pursue foolishness, same solution as foolish counsel, plus withdrawing from them. Stay away from them or you will become like them. Proverbs 13.20 explains, "...he who walks with the wise will become wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." Those who walk in the council of the ungodly are going to find themselves influenced by that council. So you find yourself standing in the way of sinners. You're now with them all the time. Eventually becoming someone who sits in the seat of the scoffers. You start teaching that yourselves. you incorporate that as part of your own belief system and you become a advocate of it. It's a descent downward. In the Hebrew, there's several words that just go from folly all the way down to the word is nabal. It means a person who has a closed mind that's insensible to God and morality. Those with depraved minds described in Romans 1.28, that's who it is. Now the blessed man is opposite that. He delights in God, he delights in his word, he meditates on it day and night. And so the truth of God then sets him free from the bondage of sin and the foolishness of this world to then be able to joyfully live a righteous life. And a righteous life is a much more joyful life. My focus this morning is going to be on exposing and providing solutions to conflicts that are caused by character issues, character traits. Now when I mean character traits, I mean what is your normal response, not the exceptions to what's normal to you. But if you're characterized by the things we're going to be talking about today, that's a real problem. It needs to change. I'm going to provide you some solutions to it. Things such as being selfish or self-righteous, stubborn, critical, quarrelsome, wicked. Selfishness is expressed in many ways as an inherent evil and it arises out of pride. In the New American Standard, Proverbs 23, 6, uses the term selfish to translate the Hebrew term ra, which normally is translated as evil or wicked. It says this, do not eat the bread of a selfish man or desire his delicacies, for as he thinks within himself, so he is. He says you eat and drink, but his heart is not with you. You will vomit up the morsel you have eaten and waste your compliments. James 3, 14-17 describes selfish ambition as wisdom that is earthly, natural, demonic. And then it further explains that where that exists, where there's selfish ambition, there is disorder in every evil thing. And then in this contrast, the wisdom from God, which is first pure, and then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy, good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. So you want the wisdom of the world, or you want the wisdom from God? Okay, just looking at the list, the wisdom from God's a lot better. But too often, self-ambition, we end up being pushed toward the other direction. We have to be careful of that. There's a way that could be changed. To be selfish is to be primarily concerned with your own personal profit and pleasure with little or no consideration of those around you. It goes hand-in-hand with pride. It is utterly contrary to the nature of God and what He has commanded to His people. Now it's natural for man to be sinful and to be selfish. That's normal. In fact, it is so normal that Jesus uses that trait in explaining the second great commandment. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Because you're going to love yourself. It's so normal for us. Paul points this out in Ephesians 5, 28 and 29. There he commands the husbands to love their wives as they do their own bodies. He says then, "...for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it." That's just the way we are. Some have gone to the absurdity of trying to teach that unless you love yourself you can't love others. That's assert. You already love yourself. That's why Jesus can use that as the example. The problem isn't loving yourself so you can love others. The problem is you love yourself too much. You're selfish about it and then you cause all sorts of problems about it. You love yourself too much. I've never met anybody, no one, that has loved themselves too much. Have you? Well, of course you have. Everybody does. They love themselves too much. Have you ever met someone who loves himself too little? No. Because there's nobody that exists like that. They all love themselves. Now, you might be generous. You might be gracious. But you still love yourself. Tell me, when you're hungry, what are you going to do? You're going to find something to eat. When you're tired, what are you going to do? You're going to find a way to get some sleep. Are you really considering others? No, it gets to the point you don't make sure you're going to get something to eat. Now, mothers are very good at this. They usually will give the larger portion. My grandmother, I was told, got to where she loved chicken necks. Anybody ever eat a chicken neck? A few of us have. I have. Is there much meat on that? You know, she got to the point, she loved chicken necks. Because that was the only piece left once she fed the family. But I also know that as large as she was, because there was a period of time she was quite large, she found something else to eat someplace. Do you get my point? We love ourselves. Selfishness is a problem. Now, selfishness strikes at the heart of a home because it breaks up the unity of the family and it sets each member in competition with the other members of the family. God's design for marriage is the relationship in which you learn to love. That's going to be part of it. It's a place where you learn to be unselfish. It's a place you learn to sacrificially give in the best interest of the other person. That's one reason there's conflict. That's hard for us to do. We have to learn it. We have to think about it. We have to purpose ourselves to do it. Now, the more we do it, the more it becomes normal to us. But it's not an easy thing to do, especially when you're getting started. When the marriage becomes a relationship in which each is actually looking to get their selfish desires fulfilled by the other, which is normal, to degenerate man, well then the relationship will degenerate into a competitive partnership and then it will only last as long as both parties perceive that the benefit they're getting out of it is greater than what they're putting into it. I do like Larry Crabb's description in his book, The Marriage Builder. He describes selfish people in marriage as a tick looking for a dog. And I know I've used this illustration before, but it's a good illustration. And the marriage problems arise because the husband and wife both to be ticks and there's no dog. And how much blood can you get out of another tick? The solution then to selfishness is learn to be the dog. Selfish people value getting what they want over the relationship with the other person. And so it quickly degenerates into someone who demands, they nag, they are critical, they're manipulative, they're unfair in their actions. And then that attitude can degenerate even further to become someone who's temperamental, contentious, harsh, angry, even hateful. The person you promised to love is now someone you hate. How can that be? You still can't get what you want? Well, then it can go to the point of withdrawal. You become neglectful. You become indifferent. Again, the solution to selfishness is to become like the dog that can be happy even if there's a tick sucking its blood out. Tail's a wagon. I've still got a good life. Alright, I've got a tick. Okay. But I've still got a good life. Believers are commanded to be humble. We're commanded to be sacrificial in our giving toward one another. Philippians 2, 3, and 4, Paul, actually it's in the command voice here, do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, let each of you regard one another as more important than himself. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. And then the passage goes on and it gives Jesus Christ as the example of that humility. Humility of mind, humility of action. If Jesus could set aside the glories of heaven to become a man and then die in our place on the cross, then certainly we can learn to be unselfish and sacrificially give of ourselves for the benefit of other people. Especially our brothers and sisters in Christ. especially for your spouse, whom you're supposed to love anyway. Conflict diminishes when you learn to be the dog and quit being the tick. Okay? That's selfishness. Now, the next homewrecker is self-righteousness. It's also related to pride, but also to foolishness and stubbornness. The self-righteous are blinded by their own pride. They can't see the log in their own eyes, but boy, they sure have good acuity in seeing the problem with somebody else. So the self-righteous, it's always the other person's fault. And so they become stubborn in their own position. They don't think that only other people can be self-righteous. Go find a mirror. It may be more obvious in some, but that's a danger to all of us. Proverbs 21.2 warns, Now go back to the beginning of that. Every man's way. We are prone to this. Even after salvation, we're still going to be prone to this. We think our way is right. Proverbs 16.2 is a parallel verse. All the ways of a man are clean in his own side, but the Lord weighs the motives. That's why Jesus, when he's teaching, so often goes to what's inside you, not just your actions. That blindness can be so great that it falls into the category Proverbs 30 verse 12. There's a kind who is pure in his own eyes, yet is not washed from his filthiness. They think they're wonderful. They're great people and they are filthy. Now, the Proverbs express two basic kinds of self-righteousness. Now, the first are those who think they are righteous because they are doing what they think is right, even if the motives are wrong. Okay? What I'm doing is right. My motives are wrong. but they don't recognize the wrong motives. Now this is the most common type of self-righteousness. There's a list of right and wrong behaviors that are developed, and whether it's written or unwritten, righteousness then is defined by this list. I'm righteous if I do this. I'm righteous if I don't do that. It could be developed by an organized religious system. That's very common. Most religions are based on that kind of righteousness. It's something you earn by what you do and what you don't do. Or the individual can come up with them themselves. Now most often it's a mixture of both. There's some group you might be part of. Here's a religious system, and I have that, but I'm going to tweak it. Because here's the areas I'm weak in, and I'm going to tweak it so I can help justify myself. I'm okay. We'll tweak it. The Pharisees were excellent at that. The righteousness is then based on the ability to adhere to that list of prescribed and prohibited behaviors, not God's commands, which include motivations. Jesus exposed the self-righteous legalism of both the scribes and Pharisees in the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5, 6, and 7. Now they had twisted God's commands into things they thought they could do. I'll just keep changing the law and how it's applied until I can meet the demands of it. And that's what they did. And Jesus exposed their hypocrisy, even warning that unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. Now to the audience he was speaking to, that was powerful. because they were seen as the epitome. These are the top of people who are righteous. And he says, your righteousness is going to be more than theirs. Well, how can that be? And so throughout the Sermon on the Mount, he teaches it. God judges for hatred, not just murder. Adultery is committed in the heart long before it occurs physically. Unrighteous divorce only increases adultery. Vows are a matter of personal integrity. Revenge is not required, but gentleness and compassion are a mark of godliness. Love is extended to enemies as well as the neighbors you like. Alms, prayer, and fasting are not for public display because they're a matter between you and God. What's the righteousness? It's going to have to be internal. And so he kept teaching on that point. The pharisaical self-righteousness, that's still around today and it destroys relationships because it judges everything by human standards rather than the standards that God has given us. And so we think as long as we've taken the right action in our own mind, according to whatever list we have developed, then I'm justified in being stubborn. This is the person who says, I'm sorry. But there's no reality to it. It's, I'm sorry. We've all had that happen, right? Oh, really? You're really sorry? Your tone of voice doesn't match the reality here. You're not sorry. You're sorry you got caught. You're not sorry of what damage you've done. You're only sorry for yourself. We've all dealt with that. But that is an example of this. There's no reality to it. I did the right thing. I said I was sorry. Ever had that happen to you? Oh yeah, all of us have. This is the self-righteousness that unfortunately ends up where even good things you do comes from a bad motive. For example, presents or purchase, Christmas, birthday, celebrations, et cetera, cards are sent, not because you actually care about the other person, but because you have this obligation. I have to do it, okay? It's just an obligation, gotta do it. And so, tell me, is there any joy in going and buying presents for those people? If you can't joyfully go and get a present for someone, this is a danger. What's the real motive? See, that's a hard one. The relationships become evaluated according to the list. Not the closeness to friendship, not the depth of intimacy, not the success in fulfilling God's actual commands. Now those are obvious sources of conflict. So the first self-righteousness is, I did the right thing, wrong motives. But there's the other type that's a flip on that. They believe their motives were right. And the consequences of it are irrelevant. I had the right motive, therefore it was good. You excuse it, even when the actions themselves actually are wrong. This type of self-righteousness is more common among those affected by liberal political and religious philosophy. Good intentions and effort are sufficient justification for any action regardless of the consequences. It can be used as justification for violating a command of scripture, some instruction we're giving in scripture, or even a mutual agreement. will have a better motive. Such people believe themselves to be pure even though they are in truth unclean, or as the Proverbs says, they're filthy. Now there are also obvious sources, these are obvious sources of conflict, and they're detrimental to the home in two ways. First, in the direct unintended negative consequence of the action. That's bad for your home, it's bad for your relationship. You meant well, but it destroyed things. The second is it obstructs correction and repentance, leaving the person to continually repeat the same folly. Proverbs 26, 18-19 is an example of this. It says this, like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death, so is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, was I not joking? The proverb uses this extreme case, a practical joke that ended up being very dangerous, very damaging to the other person. The jokester self-righteously defends himself, appealing to his motive. It was all done in fun. The actual danger, the actual harm caused are excused in his mind because his intention was only to bring some laughter. He remains pure in his own eyes, though his actual actions show he's not yet washed from his filth. He does not love his neighbor as himself. He does not consider others more important than himself. He does not even consider their welfare and safety, only in his motive. I was just trying to have fun. Now, the same is true for all sorts of things that people do with good intentions but bad consequences. While that can happen to any of us, the difference between the righteous and unrighteous lies here. The self-righteous, if they do this, they're going to be defensive about it. They're going to be, but my motives were good, so it was good intent. So, don't complain about it. I meant well. The righteous may do it, I had a good motive, and it worked out bad, and you're going to apologize for it. You explain what your intent was, but you're still gonna be sorry. You're gonna take ownership of, I am so sorry for the consequences that ended up happening. Please forgive me. I'm sorry I wasn't more intent on thinking through what could happen. I didn't see it. What can I do to help now that you're injured? Do you see the point? It's a different way of looking at life. The self-righteous defend themselves the righteous are gonna be seeking the relationship and make sure it's still gonna be good. They'll even make restitution as needed, Exodus 22, six and 14 even directs us toward that. Now what's the solution for self-righteousness? Well, humility is the starting point. The righteousness that is found only in the Lord Jesus Christ, and then godly counsel. I put humility before righteousness in Christ only because without humility a person is not going to come to faith in Christ. You have to humble yourself first to recognize your sin, to repent from that sin, to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ. Righteousness from Him then comes after that. It's imputed to you as you believe on the Lord Jesus Christ. He changes you. Whatever you were before, He's changed you into a new creature, a new creation in Him. You're different. And then third, as Proverbs 12, 15 tells us, the way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel. Godly counselors will both expose our self-righteous standards and attitudes, and then help us learn to replace them with God's standards and a teachable attitude. He continues the process of changing us, conforming us to the image of Christ. Now one of the characteristics of foolishness is an increasing obstinacy toward the things of God. Now this is manifest in the home as stubbornness, a defensiveness and unwillingness to learn. Now all these arise out of pride, which thinks it already knows enough. It has it all together. None of us do. For on this side of heaven, every one of us will still have areas in which we fail and in which we need to improve. But we like to think that we do and so we can be blind to the truth. Proverbs 4.19 puts it this way, Now I don't think anyone here would purposely want to stumble like this and yet we're all prone to doing it if we let pride lead the way and we become stubborn. Like a man stumbling around in a dark room because he refuses to turn on the light So is the stubborn man in life. The problems, the pains he causes himself and others is unnecessary because the solution to the problem is easily available, and yet he continues to try to do things in his own way. You think it's wise, but it's not, and the damage is done. Look for the solution. Now, as pride rises, so does stubbornness so that there is a refusal to consider the point of view of others. Even worse, to acknowledge it even if you recognize it. Proverbs 27, 22 addresses this kind of foolishness. It says this, Though you pound a fool in a mortar with a pestle, along with the crushed grain, yet his folly will not depart from him. When a person becomes stubborn, they are resistant to change, even when great effort is taken and expended trying to teach him, and the lesson becomes hard on him. Still won't learn it. Now sometimes people become stubborn in public or in the midst of an argument in order to save face. There's that element of pride. They will then reconsider that issue, take a lesson to heart, and not repeat the error. That'd be nice if they were so humble right from the beginning, they'd just change. But yet, you've made some progress, they've learned a lesson, they're not gonna repeat it. They may not acknowledge that publicly, but at least they're not gonna repeat the same following. So there's a stubbornness, but it's not entrenched. There's some hope there, even if the lack of communication makes the matter somewhat unresolved for everyone else. However, there's a stubbornness as it increases that won't even do that. The deepness of the folly is so great it's just repeated over and over and over again. Proverbs 26, 11, and 12 has a description for that. It's a bit graphic. Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who describes, repeats his folly. Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There's more hope for a fool than for him. Well, what do you do if you have to interact with, or even worse, you're married to such a stubborn fool? Well, a couple things. First, examine yourself and make sure that the repeated folly is not due to your own stubbornness. Look in the mirror first. Remember Jesus told us to examine ourselves before we can take the speck out of somebody else's eye. You might find there's a log in your own. So that's first. The other person or your spouse may be repeating the same folly, but you may be the one who's provoking it, aggravating, or solidifying it. So examine yourself first. Second, you may need to confess your own foolishness to God in marrying such a fool. Such foolish stubbornness is usually quite evident before a man and wife exchange their vows. And yet, you went ahead anyway. So this is a warning to you who are single, be very, very careful about whom you marry. Pay attention, deal with those issues. It's hard enough, it may be hidden, it may not come out until after you're married, but too often these things, they're there, do you really see it? Are you gonna deal with the issues before you make a commitment of your life to one another? So that would be second. Okay, take responsibility where it lies on you. And then the third, pursue humility, including looking carefully at the role and response God requires of you. So instead of looking at the other person and lamenting about that or being critical of them, start looking at, well, what does God want from me? How does he want me to respond, even if my spouse is stubborn and foolish? Well, men, Ephesians 5, 25 through 33 commands you to love your wife as Christ loved the church. And he loved the church when we were still sinners. He didn't wait for us to change. He loved us prior to that. And you're to do the same. Now this is not referring to fond feelings of affection. It's referring to the sacrificial nature of true love that seeks out the best interest of the other person. Husbands, Are you seeking the best interests of your wife? The context of the passage here is to pursue godliness, help her develop godliness. Now that may not be what she wants, but it is what God wants for her to be the woman that he wants her to be, and that's what you pursue. Yeah, that could create more conflict, but that's what you're supposed to do, that sacrifice on her behalf to get her where God wants her, because that's what we're really after. What does God want? It can be difficult, but yet God will enable you to do so as you walk with Him and you learn to live your life first and foremost to please the Lord. You're also to cherish her as you do your own body, just as Christ cherishes the Church. The same principle actually applies to other relationships. as we saw in Philippians 2, 3, and 4. So, are you being stubborn in your own selfishness and pride, or are you being humble, loving, and selfless in the pursuit of the godliness in yourself, and then helping others to do the same? So, regardless of her reaction, are you doing what God wants you to do in your role? Ladies, Ephesians 5, 22-24, verse 33, commands you to subject yourself to your husband the same way the church is subjected itself to Christ. You're to show him respect. No, that may not be easy. Yet, it is the manner by which God wants you to reflect the relationship of Christ and the church. That actually is your main goal. Are you fulfilling your part of the role in reflecting the relationship of Christ and the church? 1 Peter 3, 1-6 explains the depth of this commitment in more detail. It says this, In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Okay? If your husband's upset with you, let it be because you're being godly. If he's upset with you because you're ungodly, you know what? He probably has a reason to be upset. So be godly. Let that be the issue. You don't have to nag him. Your chaste and respectful behavior is probably going to be nagging him enough because it shows that he's got a lot to learn and to do and change. Okay? So this passage removes the excuse that because he's stubborn in his sin, you don't have to be chaste and respectful toward him. You are God's means to change him, but that change only comes by doing it God's way. Your life is not dependent upon your husband, it's dependent upon God. Okay, that's a step of faith. The more you live for Christ, the better you'll be able, not only to carry out these commands, but also to live with an inner peace and security, regardless of the circumstances. Even if he's a stubborn fool. You can still have a good, productive life that's pleasing to the Lord, and that's a successful life. Now that same principle applies to all your other relationships, too. And marriage is a, a crucible sometimes, it shouldn't be, but sometimes it feels like a crucible in which you're being changed. But that's okay, you're still being changed. The lessons there learned apply to everything else. The solution to stubbornness is righteousness, humility, and selflessness. With the humble as wisdom, Proverbs 11, 2 tells us, and humility precedes honor. Being humble with other people begins with humbling yourself before the Lord. It always starts with God first, right? Then it extends to those around us. Now the traits of being critical and quarrelsome are often intermixed, and both are tied to pride and selfishness, often with a mix of self-righteousness. They're all common causes of contention. The proud consider their way as better, or the only proper way, and self-righteousness then makes that worse because it justifies itself according to its own standard. And the selfish, well, they just want their own way regardless. Now, a person with these traits becomes critical and then quick to quarrel. Actually, all it does is show they're foolish. Proverbs 20, verse 3 points this out. It says, "...keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel." Such quarreling drives wedges between relationships and it tends to break apart the family due to the resulting strife. Now most people prefer to avoid such contention. There's really not that many people that are so anxious for it. They try to avoid it. They will be contentious to get their own way. But contention is not how you like to live. Proverbs 17.1 warns, better is a dry morsel and quietness with it than a house full of feasting with strife. In other words, a crust of dry bread and some water with peace is a whole lot better than a feast and a battle. Now people understand and practice this to one degree or another. We're told in Romans 12.18 that we are to be at peace with all men so far as it depends on you. But there cannot be peace with those who are consistently critical and like to pick fights. So over time, you learn to avoid them. You might even start skipping events, because that person's going to be there, and you just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with all this, the heartache that comes from having this contentious relationship. Conflicts that rise, not worth it, just not worth it, so I'm not even going to go. Well, that affects families as adult children then start becoming estranged from their other siblings, even from their parents, because they just want to avoid the contentiousness of the other family members. In marriages, they start crumbling as one spouse avoids the other in the effort to avoid the conflict. And over time, hobbies, work, sports, social service clubs, all these things, they start becoming excuses to stay away from the spouse. An increasing distance then in the relationship and the marriage disintegrating. Now pride alone is sufficient to stoke the fires of criticism and quarreling. You add in self-righteousness, it's like adding a blower to the fire. It really increases the heat. Now, such people view others and their ideas as inferior, and so they tend toward perfectionism. Now, let me make a caveat here about perfectionism. Now, some people call this being OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder. But there are two kinds of people with OCD. There are people who have that, and they see it, it doesn't meet their standard, they don't complain about it. They just take responsibility and they do it themselves. Now, if they're gonna do that and they're not complaining, maybe it's irritating that they came and redid what you just did, but if they're not complaining about it, honestly, what difference does it really make to you? Let me give you an example. You clean the kitchen. Your spouse comes in later, sees the kitchen, and cleans it all over again, right? He doesn't complain about it. And since he's not complaining about it, why would that irritate you? Well, I'll give you one suggestion. He wants it cleaner. He's willing to clean that complaint. But because he's doing that, you're taking it as, I'm not good enough. What I did is not good enough from him. Well, what is that in reality? Is that not your own pride? I don't meet his standard. And he's shoving it down my face by cleaning it. But he's not complaining. So should it really make a difference to you? Frankly, if you cared about him, you would thank him. In fact, you might say, honey, you do such a good job at this, I'm just gonna leave it to you from now on. Wouldn't that be good? That would be wonderful. You'd both be happy. Or you could say, honey, obviously I'm not making it to your standards. What can I do to change? How can I help? Can I sacrifice myself more just to meet your standard, even if I think it's over the top? That's practical. Now, the other end of the spectrum are these critical people. They may be OCD about something, and instead of doing it, taking responsibility, no, they're going to complain about it. And they're going to make your life miserable because you didn't meet their standard. They may even demand that the process must be done in their way. You can't clean the table until you clean the counter. You've got to do it in this order. But they're not doing it. They want you to do it. That's different. Such people are miserable to work for and even more miserable to live with because nothing ever really satisfies them. Because if you do it their way, they're going to find something else. They're characterized by an attitude. It is a self-righteous, stubborn attitude. They're critical. and complaining. They're quarrelsome. You get one thing right, they find something else, they complain about that. Now in such cases, your marriage is the most expensive way there is to discover all your faults. Because they're going to point it out to you. To paraphrase Proverbs 14, 1, the wise build their home, the foolish tear it down with their own hands. And that's really what's happening. Now, if you tend toward perfectionism, then ask yourself why your standards have to be met and why others must do it your way. Now, each of us are responsible to do things God's way to achieve His standards, and frankly, everything else is relatively unimportant. Paul commands us in Romans 14, 7-10, and it has an application here. Romans 14, 7-10. Not one of us lives for himself. Not one dies for himself. If we live, we live for the Lord. If we die, we die for the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's. For to this end, Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living. But you, why do you judge your brother? Or again, why do you regard your brother with contempt? We shall all stand before the judgment seat of God. Verse 19 then adding, so then let us pursue the things which makes for peace and the building up of one another. Is it not enough that each of you have to give an account of yourself to God? Are you pursuing that which promotes peace or are you pursuing that which produces quarreling? Does your pride blind you to the fact that the other person may not only have a legitimate reason for doing things differently than you, maybe even their way is superior, or at least it is for them? And even if your way and standard are better, so what? How important is the issue anyway that you pick a fight over it? Are you valuing this minor issue over the relationship itself? Are you responding to conflict in a godly manner that values and reflects the things that God says are valuable and important? Whom are you trying to please? Are you trying to please God? Are you trying to please your spouse, your friend, your co-worker, or yourself? You should be trying to please God. Now the solution to being critical and quarrelsome is to humble yourself, lower your expectations of others, and then be realistic. Set your standards according to what God has said instead of what man demands. Follow Jesus' example. He welcomed sinners to the point he became known as a friend of sinners, but he still called them to repent and pursue righteousness. He knew how to keep that balance. That's the example we should follow. Learn to put into practice. First Thessalonians 5.14. We urge you, brethren, Admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Critical, quarrelsome people, they can't fulfill that. They're too selfish. Now the last term we're gonna look at today, last characteristic, is wicked. Now wicked is a general term that, like the word foolish, can be used in reference to a lot of very specific character traits and actions that are wrecking balls to the home. Proverbs 3.33 states, "...the curse of the Lord is on the house of the wicked, but He blesses the dwelling of the righteous." Wicked, which is Rasha here, is the opposite of righteousness as seen in this proverb, but it's also contrasted between the two. Wicked is the opposite of righteous. It's used in parallel with almost every Hebrew word for sin, for evil, for iniquity. It can refer to the attitude and intention. More often it speaks to the actions and the conduct of the individual by which he is characterized. Now the Lord stands against wickedness because it's contrary to his nature. It's opposite of him. Proverbs 15.9 states, The way of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, but he loves him who pursues righteousness. The level of wickedness is set by its contrast with the character and attitude of God. A synonym for wicked then would be ungodly. Now it's easy to understand that wicked actions and attitudes are going to damage relationships. It's going to damage your home. It's damaging to society. Proverbs 15, 6 says, much wealth is in the house of the righteous, but trouble is the income of the wicked. It's what they're earning. God created man to be a reflection of his own character. So it is wicked then to be fulfilling your own selfish desires instead of his. To walk in your own wisdom instead of God's wisdom. And when we walk in our own wisdom, well there are serious consequences. Proverbs 14.32 states, The wicked is thrust down by his wrongdoing, but the righteous has a refuge when he dies. Now the good news is that though we were born dead in our trespasses and sin, and therefore this strong bent toward wickedness, no one has to continue to live that way. Because God hears and answers the prayers of those that will seek Him with repentance and confession. That's that humility part. The command is to humble yourself before the Lord. And that is the great hope given to us in Jesus Christ because He paid the price of our sin as a sacrificial atonement on Calvary. Because He did that, we can be forgiven of our sins. And because He conquered death, the penalty of sin is removed and we're given eternal life. And because Jesus ascended to the right hand of the Father, He is making intercession for us and He has sent the Holy Spirit to indwell us. And because of that, we're new creatures who are being changed to the image of Christ. And he keeps doing the work, doesn't he? We're not where we want to be, but we're not where we were. And he is faithful to continue that work and will be, Philippians 1.6 tells us, until the day that Christ returns, at which point we'll be glorified and we won't have the sin problem anymore. Because we won't be in these bodies of flesh. changed into His image and holiness and righteousness. So the Christian is no longer to be wicked because all those things are true of the Christian. The non-Christian does not have to remain in wickedness if he or she will be honest and then repent. Turn from it. Change your mind about it. Proverbs 28, 13 explains and gives hope here. He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion. And our God is a compassionate God. Isaiah 55, 7 explains more fully saying this. Let the wicked forsake his way, the unrighteous man his thoughts. Let him return to the Lord and he will have compassion on him and to our God and he will abundantly pardon. Forgiveness is a wonderful aspect of being a Christian. I'm forgiven, that's the difference. And he continues to change me. So the solution to wickedness is the righteousness imputed when you humble yourself to repent of your sin and place your faith in the personal work of the Lord Jesus Christ. And then that righteousness is developed in practicality as in daily life you follow Christ. You're his disciple. I learn more of him. I walk better with him. And that should be changing daily. Whatever I was, I am no longer. I'm moving toward what I need to be. And that is also a solution that's going to keep you from being the cause of unrighteous conflict. If you walk in righteousness, you're not going to be the cause of conflict that's due to sin. And it will eliminate or reduce conflict with other believers. It's putting into practice 1 Timothy 6, 11. Flee these things. These things are a whole list of the things that cause conflict. The kind of things that as unbelievers, this normal life. Flee these things, you men of God. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness. Different way of living life and what a wonderful way it is to live. We're going to be sharing communion this morning because it pulls us back and remembering what enables us to be different people. It's all because what Christ has done for us. His sacrifice on our behalf. The Holy Spirit enabling us to be something different. So it's a time of reflection to look back at what Christ has done. But as 1 Corinthians 11 puts it, it's remembering his death until he comes. He's got this great promise for us as well. And we're looking forward to that coming. When all the troubles and trials of this life caused by our own sin, it's gonna be gone. And we'll be glorified and righteousness in action, attitude, as well as in our standing before God.