Mr. Zhang from Chongqing, China signed a contract that allows his wife to beat him once a week. The 32-year-old Mr. Zhang is very competitive and never wants to lose an argument. He says the only problem is that his wife knows Kung Fu. When they get in a disagreement, his wife uses her skill to beat him up. The contract they signed says that she cannot beat him more than once a week, however. If she does, it spells out the consequences which are going to her parents' house for three days. His wife said, now that we have a contract, I will force myself to drop the use of force. Apparently that means to no more than once a week. Amen. Hopefully tonight we don't deal with conflict in our homes that way. But conflict is part of marriage. It's going to happen. Even to the best of marriages, there will be those times when things just don't go as smooth as we wish they would. And there's disagreements, and there's hurts, and there's expectations that are not met, and all those types of things. No marriage is going to be, I guess, conflict-free, if you will. So it's vital that we know how to confront it in an appropriate way that does not leave both spouses with a root of bitterness that over the course of time will actually end up destroying the marriage, because you've got to be able to deal with conflict because it's going to happen. Ephesians chapter 4, we're going to pick it up in verse 25. It says, Wherefore, putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and sin not. Let not the sun go down upon your wrath, neither give place to the devil. Let him that stole steal no more, but rather let him labor, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice, and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake, hath forgiven you. Tonight, let's continue our study of married life. This is part number seven, as we talk about confronting conflict, confronting conflict. Let's have a word of prayer first. Father, we are grateful tonight for the principles of the Word of God, and how they help us deal with problems that creep up in our relationships and as we focus on the husband-wife relationship and the times conflict enters in, we pray that you give us some wisdom, some guidance, some thoughts that will help us to resolve those things before they get into a position where they cause a great division and even a divorce. Lord, that's not what we want. We want there to be peace in the home. and for conflicts to get resolved. Help us to learn some truths tonight in Jesus' name. Amen. Conflict between people really is nothing new. It's gone on since the days beyond the fall in the Garden of Eden. We've all inherited that sin nature that came upon Adam and Eve when they sinned against God. And that sin nature of ours doesn't want to do the right thing a whole lot, does it? It doesn't like to obey God. It demands its own way. It gets defensive. It's insecure. And simply just difficult to deal with. Probably the greatest person you and I have problem with is the one that we stare at in the mirror every morning. We have that because of our sin nature. And it's no surprise that with our sin nature, and other people's sin natures, that conflict between two people is going to be inevitable, even in a marriage. You know, I mentioned this verse throughout this series on married life, 1 Corinthians 7, 28. But if thou marry, thou hast not sinned, and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless, such shall have trouble in the flesh. And Paul says, but I spare you, the man he was, the bachelor for life guy, I want to spare you some trouble. But in all seriousness, there's some truth to what he's saying here. You're going to have some trouble in the flesh. In other words, you're going to have some difficulties that you're going to go through being married. Why? Because you've got two sinful people living under the same roof who have come from various backgrounds and different experiences and so forth, and conflict is going to be inevitable. One of the biggest troubles in the flesh is the conflict that can arise between these two spouses. It's inevitable that both people will disagree from time to time. It's going to happen. Now, when they're in that courting stage, in that newlywed stage, you know, everything's perfect. Oh, is that what you want? Okay, that's what I want too. And they both do that, and it's so lovely, and everything just is so perfect, and it's just like prince and princess, if you will. But guess what? After a while, that stuff wears off. Yep. Unless you're Rico. I'd like to interview his wife afterwards, amen? But it just does. Suddenly certain things that the one thought was kind of cute becomes a little annoying. And suddenly certain things that you didn't know about each other before the marriage crop up. I didn't realize so-and-so didn't, my husband didn't pick up his socks. I didn't realize my wife doesn't like to clean. I realize, you know, all these different things. And it's all of a sudden like, wait a minute here, I don't know if I like that a whole lot. And usually what begins to happen is both spouses start trying to change each other. Well, I'm going to convert them to my way of thinking. And there's different methods that are done that. And guess what, after a while they begin to realize, I can't change this person. And they start thinking, you know what, if I can't change them, boy, maybe I made a mistake. And then it just goes downhill from there. That's sad. That's not the way it is. And sometimes there's an argument that we were just not compatible. Guess what? No two people are compatible. They're not. Why? Because we're just all a bunch of sinners that need God's help to know how to navigate our sin nature and get things on the right track when they fall off. It's inevitable that both people will disagree from time to time over decisions, over how money is spent or what is bought, over priorities that should be put in place, over just about anything. It's funny, I have a book in my office and the author, I'm going to actually quote here in just a moment, He said, I've taken down over the years all the different things that people have arguments over and it was things even as little and as petty as how to hang the toilet paper on the thing. Yeah, that's us, Pastor. I'm not even going to ask where that one goes. Or how the bed is made. or where a cup is supposed to be in the cupboards, if you will. And just stuff that's really, in the whole scheme of things, are just petty. But that's the way human beings can be. We can be petty at times. Because we have our preferences and we think that our preferences are gospel. When they're not, but that's how we can get. You know, it's inevitable too that one spouse will hurt the other spouse. If you've been married any length of time, no doubt you have said or done something against your spouse that hurt him. You have. You have done that. You have said something foolish. You have jumped to conclusions. You have thought negatively about your spouse. Yeah, you've hurt him somehow. There are some times where expectations are not met. Well, I thought he would do this on our anniversary. Or I thought she would do that when I came home. You know, all these different expectations that don't get met. And it causes conflict in some regards. Can I say again, no marriage will ever be perfect. If you here today think that your marriage is supposed to be perfect for it to be successful, you're going to have a hard marriage. Because you will find out the hard way that it's, you know what, it takes work, it takes effort, it takes a commitment. There is a reason why it's a covenant, a promise between you and God. Because you know what, there's going to be times you might feel like, I don't know if I can keep this thing going. but I've made a promise to God and a promise to this person to work through my problems and to work through the circumstances. But in this day and age, we have so much because of the easy laws that have been passed. It's so easy for people just to split up over the silliest and most ridiculous things, when if they could just both humble themselves and try to work out some things, and we'll talk about a few of these things in a moment, Maybe it could be spared because there's been marriages that have been spared that were on the on the ropes if you will But with God's help they can be restored and they can be fixed and they can become better I have known people today that have survived infidelity in their marriage and I've known of people who have who have been on the brink if you will and Because God intervened and God helped them. They they restored the marriage and and They went on to have a good family, at least during the time that I knew them. There are those examples. Look, it's never over unless we stop trying. And it's so important, because no marriage is perfect, that married couples learn how to resolve their conflicts. They have to. That is a must. If you can't resolve your conflicts, you're going to be conflicted all the time. And that's not a fun house to live in. And it leads to a lot of heartache. It reminds me of a story about a wife who went shopping alone one time. She pulled up to the register to check out, and the sales clerk said, cash, check, or charge? Well, the lady fumbled around for her wallet, and the clerk noticed in her purse a TV remote control?" Which kind of made him a little curious, like, what in the world here? So he asked her, she says, so, do you always carry your TV remote around with you? Which she replied, no, but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him. I'm going to get him. Where's that remote? I don't know. The most evil thing I could do legally. Oh, my. How low we can go. But it is a very sad thing to see two people who at one time stood before an altar, smiling at each other. Saying, you know, the vows that are said committing themselves to love each other through good times and bad before Almighty God, who have come to just despise each other and just literally hate each other's guts. And in total contradiction to what they said they would do regardless. See, a lot of people don't even know what real love is to begin with. See, loving another person means loving the flaws and the problems that they have too. And being willing to put up with them as they put up with you. That's love. Our definition of love today is, well, if I feel good, then it's good. But if I don't feel good, then it's bad. And that means I need to try to figure out a way. If that means shedding this person I had committed myself to, well, that's fine. And it's so sad to see. You know, how can two people who at one point committed themselves to each other come to the point of just being in total contradiction of what they promised and what they said? It's a sad thing, but it is a very common thing today. And there are a lot of people today who grew up in those homes that got the scars in their heart from that. And it's caused other problems. Hey, look. Regardless the reason for the conflict, there are some that never learn how to resolve their conflicts biblically and continue to resort to trying to just get at each other. And sometimes it can be very cruel. It's cruel. It's amazing to me, again, how two people who at one time where so madly in love can get to the point of being so cruel. Both man and woman doing those things with the things that they say and the things that they do. I have a book in my, I was referencing it a moment ago, this book of, I've got a number of them, but it's called Starting Your Marriage Right. It's by a husband and wife named Dennis and Barbara Rainey. But the authors make a great observation about marriage conflict. They wrote this in that book. Conflict often starts with something small, even inconsequential. As someone said, people who claim that small things don't bother them never slept in a room with a mosquito. That is deep, I tell you. The little things, if left unresolved, can rob a marriage of romance and result in bitterness, anger, and loneliness. Does that mean that conflict is an evil to be avoided at all costs in marriage? No. Every marriage has its tensions and the issue isn't how to avoid them, but how to cope with them. Conflict can lead to a process that develops oneness or isolation. Each couple must decide which it will be. Because when you learn how to resolve your conflicts biblically, you can actually draw each other closer together. But if you don't do that, it's going to cause a division and an isolation. God knows conflicts will occur. So he's given us some insight about our conflicts so that we can resolve them in ways that draw us back together instead of blowing us apart. Let's consider some thoughts here today in regards to that. First off, let's talk about the conflict provoker. Now, the greatest instigator of conflict within a home is our number one enemy, the devil. The devil's always at work. He's got every home marked for destruction because if he can destroy a home, he can damage the next generation that's in that home emotionally and spiritually as a result. That's what he wants to do. He wants to blow every home that he can apart because if he, and even in lost people's lives, because the home is the building block of a society. If the home is in shambles, so will that individual who grows up in it. And they will have problems. Emotionally speaking, there will be a lot of insecurity in that person. Why? Because they didn't have a secure, they didn't have security at home. And there's issues that come up as a result, just emotionally and spiritually speaking. And the devil likes to just enter into these homes any which way he can to try to disrupt them, to try to create problems with them, to try to create issues that damage the next generation that's being raised within it. Remember the Bible says in 1 Peter 5 verse 8, Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil has a roaring lion walking about, seeking whom he may devour. And I'll guarantee you he wants to devour every single home. He wants to pull them down. Nothing makes him happier than destroying a marriage are blowing up a family. And I've been saved long enough to see plenty of families blown up over the years. I mean, families at one time were faithful in God's house, doing God's thing, and today they're just blown apart. You know, divorced, kids out of church, away from God, you know, all this kind of stuff. You say, what happened? Well, there was some conflict that never got resolved that allowed the devil access into their lives. When two people in a marriage experience conflict and it goes unresolved, what they have done is given place for the devil to operate. That's what verses 26 and 27 talk about. Be angry and sin not, let not the sun go down upon your wrath, neither give place to the devil. Neither give place to the devil. We are going to give place to the devil if we allow conflict to remain unresolved within. Or if one spouse determines to win, if they win, then they think, okay, everything's fine now, but they've created an attitude of bitterness within that other spouse, that the other spouse just kind of, okay, I'm going to sit on this for a while, but it just stews, and sometimes it stews for years, and for years, and for years, and then boom! That blows up. Because one was trying to always win and get their way. And what happens is things fester. We can't allow things to fester. We can't afford to. Remember, the devil's an accuser, right? The Bible says that. He's an accuser. And what he'll do is when there's conflict that is unresolved, he will sit on both spouses' shoulders, because he's got little imps that do all this stuff, and they'll sit there and accuse the other spouse with provoking thoughts. They'll bring up memories of hurts. They'll bring up flaws and idiosyncrasies that the other does not like and has been trying to change in some cases for years. He will bring up whatever he can to try to rev the anger motor with these thoughts and just accusing and accusing and accusing and accusing. When we are angry with someone, Things we thought little of suddenly come to mind and they're magnified, aren't they? All of a sudden, it's like, you know, the things that you didn't think much of before and didn't even bother you all of a sudden, well, that really actually does really kind of annoy me. And you know, your mind just gets spinning like this and goes and goes and goes. What's happening here? You've got a devil that's fanning that flame because you and I have given him access. through the unresolved conflict. Every time we have unresolved conflicts in our life, whether we're talking about arguing disagreement or other things, you and I have left the door, or we've left the door unlocked for him to get in. And he will take advantage. And he will blow whatever he can to fan the flames. Hey, the devil likes to fertilize the root of bitterness, and driving a deeper wedge between two spouses, if he can. Yeah, it's that devil, it's his fault. No, no, no, no, no. See, we can't blame the devil for our bad choices, though. Some people like to do that. Oh, remember, it's the devil that made me do it. No, the devil doesn't make you and I do anything. He just influences you and I, and he knows how to play our hearts And he knows what sets us off, and he knows what pushes our buttons. So he'll make sure to flame those things so that he influences your bad choices. You're still responsible for him, and so am I. You can't blame him for things. Because really, if anything, it's us that holds the blame because we've allowed the door open for him. We've allowed that door open because we've refused to resolve the conflict. Remember, the devil can't make choices for us, but we can recognize his fiendish hand at work trying to, again, fan the flames of conflict. And understanding that, we can recognize when our thinking is heading in the wrong direction, like a freight train, say, well, we need to put a stop to this and change course before that influential thinking starts decision making that is wrong. starts the words coming out of our mouth that are bitter and cutting and cruel that only make our situations go from bad to worse. What we have to do is take control of our thoughts. In any conflict, by the way. It's very easy when people get revved up, they just start spitting things out of their mouth. And they're justifying it because they're mad. Only to, when everything's calmed down, be like, oh boy, I really said some things I should not have. And it all started because all that thinking was so revved up, and the emotions were flaring. Because you have a devil there that's going to take advantage of those things. He really is. And this is any conflict you'll deal with with anybody. And if you notice your mind is not like a freight train with all these negative thoughts, be alert that, you know what, it's time to put the brakes on that thing. And it's time to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, 2 Corinthians 10, 5. Like, whoa. Because that mind can go out of control. It really can. I mean, it can think some real bad thoughts. about the person you say you are so madly in love with. Isn't it amazing how wicked we can get sometimes? It's crazy. But look, until the conflict is resolved God's way, each of us will have a devil trying to provoke us into greater conflict. I guarantee you, the deeper the conflict goes and the longer it lasts, the more miserable and destructive it will become. And if you want the devil out, then we have to consider, secondly, what I call the Creator's part. We all understand this, that God is holy, right? He has nothing to do with sin. Every action and reaction of God is sinless. We understand that. Well, we also know that He expects His people to behave holy, as well. 1 Peter 1 verses 14-16, As obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts and your ignorance, but as He which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation, because it is written, Be ye holy, for I am holy. Holy means separated from sin. We are not living a life that is controlled by sin. We are to be living a life controlled by the Spirit. And that tells us something, that we are responsible for the actions and reactions we have. And that our actions and reactions are supposed to be holy, regardless of the actions and reactions that are done against us. Right? So if somebody does something wrong to us, how are we supposed to react? Wrongly? No. The Bible says overcome evil with good. We don't fight fire with fire, you fight fire with water. And the water that I'm talking about is goodness, holiness, what God would prescribe as right. When conflict occurs in marriage, it's usually because people feel their rights have been violated, expectations aren't met, or somebody's just plain hurt by the actions or words of another. But how do we react to that? You can blend a conflict right there by our reaction. If our spouse says something they shouldn't, how do we react to that? How do you and I react to that? Do we try to one-up them? Yeah, you say I'm this, well you're that, you know? You know, you can blunt a conflict just by what I'm talking about right now, by the way you and I choose to react to it. I'll guarantee you, it'll be tempting to react wrongly, right? It'll be very tempting. And how many of us have taken the temptation? I put both my hands up. If I could put my feet up, I would, but that would be kind of awkward. Yeah, I've done that. My wife was here, I would say otherwise, but she knows the truth. Hey, look, how do we react to what our spouse says or does? If it's negative, then guess what? We've crossed the line. We've crossed the line. We cross the line sometimes by reacting back in anger that manifests itself in a variety of ways, from arguing to name-calling, verbal put-downs, harsh criticisms, silent treatments, you know. There's a whole bunch of things that people do in reaction back to the way they were treated. And maybe they were treated wrong. But God never gives us permission to go back and do wrong, does he? No, he never does. We're always responsible to do right. Remember what Jesus did when he was provoked? He provoked not back, the Bible says. When he was reviled, he was reviled not again, but committed those things to him that judges righteously, the Bible says. That's what God is looking to do in us. By the way, when that happens, it gives us an opportunity to grow in our Christ-likeness, right? But what happens when you have somebody that does something and the other reacts wrong, trying to inflict some sort of pain back to the person, you get a conflict. And what happens is both parties then end up getting out of sorts with God. Well, he started it. It doesn't matter who started it. If we reacted not according to what God says, then we are also wrong too. And sometimes the reaction is even worse than the action itself. It's amazing how that can go. Again, God holds us responsible for how we Act, yes, but also how we react. Look at verse 29. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth. Okay? Well, my spouse said something mean. Is there an exception to verse 29? I'm looking, but I'm not seeing, right? And you and I can't either. There's no exception clause to God's commands. And this is one of those things. But of course sometimes it happens and conflict gets stirred because we just can't keep this book perfectly, even the best of us if you will. And what happens is our flesh begins to take control instead of the Spirit as He has become now grieved. Look at verse 30, And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby you are sealed in the day of redemption. When we have corrupt communication, when we have conflict, what's going on is going to happen is that we're going to grieve the Holy Spirit of God. And then He backs away from us and we are no longer controlled by Him, we are controlled by our flesh. The Bible mentions in Galatians 5, the fruits of the flesh, right? A lot of it, if you read through that whole list, a lot of it has to do with anger. and malice and doing mean things to each other, doing and saying mean things to people. In order for us to begin to resolve a conflict, it will start with us first, though, getting right with God. That's where actually it starts. Because every sin we commit is always against God. Remember when David, he confessed his sin What did he write in Psalm 51, verse 4? He's writing and he's speaking God against thee, and thee only have I sinned, and done this evilness in thy sight, that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. Hey, look, every time we commit a sin, it's against God, thus we need to get right with God first. When we're in conflict with our spouse, we are not loving them the way God commands us to love our neighbor, right? Remember our spouse is our closest neighbor? It's the second great commandment, love thy neighbor as thyself. We could talk about the golden rule, do unto others as you would have done unto you. When we're in conflict, we're not loving our spouse the way God has commanded us to love. We are generally trying to inflict pain upon our spouse. for what we believe they have done to us. And in some cases, they may not even actually did that. Before a couple can get right with each other, it starts with them first getting right with God. Verse 31, let all bitterness, wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice. In other words, it's time to start As we might put it in our church circles, it's time to hit the altar and get things right with God. And confess, I have been bitter. My words have been atrocious. What I have been doing and what I have been expecting is wrong. I have not loved my spouse. You know, there's a whole list of sins going on, right, during that time. Yeah, it's tough, isn't it? Welcome to married life. There is some challenges in it. I'm not trying to scare anybody out of it. But that's what you have when you have conflict with any two people. What's great about being married is that you actually love this other person so much that you're willing to sacrifice for them. At least that's what you promised at the marriage altar. Some people, I don't know what they promised each other. I'm going to hate you till death do you part. No, that's not what it says. That's not what they commit. Before a couple can get right with each other, it starts with them getting right with God. 1 John 1.9, if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. How do I know if I'm not right with God? Well, how do you feel? Do you have peace in your heart or war in your soul? That tells you whether or not you're right with God. all anger bent out of shape on the inside then you are not right with God. It is pretty easy. It is not hard. It is not hard to pick that out. Why? Because in the presence of God there is joy. When you are right with God you are in the presence of God. We have peace with God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Hey, if peace is missing, if joy is missing then guess what? There is something between you and God that needs to get resolved. Pretty simple. It is actually not as hard as we think. The thing is we just like blaming the other person because that feels better. Because we don't like taking responsibility for the things we do wrong. We just want to blame everyone else for it. It's their fault, they said this, they did that. No, it's your fault for reacting negatively, too. Yeah, they may have done that. I'm not gonna dismiss that, but guess what? God wants us holy. And it's not holy to be bitter at the one you claim to love. It's not. And it says here, confess Him, and He'll forgive you and cleanse you and get things right. Be honest with God about the evil thoughts you've had about your spouse, the evil words you've used, the evil actions you've taken. And God help you, the poisoning of other people's minds about your spouse that you may have done. Because there are some people who go all over the place talking about how bad their spouse is. It's like, you know what? That's wrong. It's very wrong. Anything a God may bring to mind, He knows what you and I do. He could show you the highlight reel. He did this, this, this, this, this, and He could show it to you in 3D, as I mentioned in a different message, if you wanted to. Sobering, isn't it? The eyes of the Lord in every place, beholding the evil and the good. Until we confess our sin and humbly repent of it we'll not have God's help to bring each back together, because we're going to need that. And the conflict will raise up again. 1 Peter 3.7 says, Likewise ye husbands, dwell with him according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered. Guess what? When you're in conflict with your spouse you have no prayer life. You have no prayer life. Not going to happen. Boom, door shut. Again, some married people's prayers are hindered because they are at odds with their spouses and often blame the other solely for the problem instead of taking responsibility for what they've done. And in every conflict, guess what? It's never 100% one-sided. Never, ever, no, never. It's never. Somebody acted wrong, yes, but somebody also reacted wrong. But I just like blaming the other person. Yeah, keep doing it. How do you feel inside? Probably rotten. Because that's what sin does. It brings a lot of rottenness inside the heart. Until it's confessed and named specifically and brought out before God, it will continue to rot your heart. And it's, why? Because God wants holiness. He wants us acting like Jesus. And Jesus had a lot of things that came against Him. I mean, goodnight, they crucified Him, right? Think about that again. They crucified Him. Getting right with each other will begin getting right with God. By getting right with God, the Holy Spirit can take control of our motives and words to help us work through our problems with the right spirit. I've got a book in my office that this, he was a counselor or whatnot, and he talked about, he called it a hopeless couple. I mean, he came in, and he was asked to counsel this couple, and they came in, and they're just going at it completely. And after sitting there for a while, he just kind of throws up his hands and said, all right, let's just forget about this marriage. You know, it's over. But this is what I want you both to do. And he looked at the wife and said, hey, look, here's some tapes. that dealt with her identity in Christ. You go off somewhere and listen to them for a while. Can you do that? And she's like, yeah, I can do that. And then the husband, he agreed, too, kind of miraculously. And he gave them tapes dealing with those issues, and they went their separate ways. Two years later, he saw them coming through into a restaurant. And he was like, oh, no, I hope they don't see me, because he thought for sure this thing had blown up. But they were together, and they were happy, at least looked pleasant. And they saw him and said, hey, how are you doing? And he was like, hey, hi. And he was kind of thinking in the back of his mind, I'm surprised I'm seeing you two together. He didn't say it. But he said, what happened? Well, we did what you said. And we got right with God that helped us be able to get right with each other. See, it always starts, we've got to realize that every time we have an offense, we've got to start with God because it's against Him and Him alone that we have sinned. What if the other person doesn't want to get right? And sometimes that is the case. You get right with God. And let God get them right with Him in His time. You can't control anybody. I can't control anybody. That's God's business. But what I can control is myself. And I'm responsible with what I do, not with what the other person does. I'll guarantee you, if you get right with God, that's when God can start working on the other person. If you and I refuse to get right with what we've done, you're just shooting yourself in the foot as long as you are going at it. Because God's not going to step in until somebody gets right. It'd be best if they both got right together, but sometimes that doesn't always happen that way. Well, thirdly and finally, let's talk about the conflict pacified. What are some practical steps to help us deal with our conflicts after we've gotten right with God so that we can find some resolution once things get right? What can we do? Well, number one, of course, we want to attack the problem, not the person. You know what's really common in a conflict? Character assassination. You know, you're this, you're that, you're, you know, just all these negative things. And you know what, that is so counterproductive. It's, I'm not going to say borderline, no, it's just plain stupid. Let's just put it bluntly. That's what it is when we do that. But how often have we attacked the person instead of the problem in our conflicts? Conflict tends to lead us to say things that are not constructive such as, again, tearing down the other person's character. The personal attacks only intensify the idea that the other is not cared for or interested in, but winning. You know, it's not about winning, it's about resolving. So that we can love each other and move forward. Some people just want to win. It's not about winning. If that's all we want to do is win in our marriages, then you might as well just stay unmarried. Because you're a selfish person. Because it's not about winning, it's about giving. The best marriages are those that have learned to give to each other, not take, and take, and take, and win, and win, and demand their rights, and demand this, and demand that. And you know what? You're going to have a lousy marriage if that's going to be the way you approach it. That's not right. Hey, look, it only intensifies when there's character assassination. It only intensifies the idea that the other person doesn't care about anything but winning. And by the way, the attacker is taking on a self-righteous attitude when they're doing that. Even if the other spouse is mainly the culprit, personal attacks will only set one up to fall. Remember Galatians 6.1, Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such a one in the what? Spirit of what? Meekness. Considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. In other words, don't worry, your turn will come in which you will fail. It will be your turn at some point. At some point, the shoe will be on the other foot. And guess what? When we fail, do we like when people show us grace and mercy? Yeah. So guess what? If you want to receive it, you need to give it. Pretty simple, right? You know, this isn't complicated. Again, next time, we might be the one who's messed up. So don't attack the person, attack the problem. Remember, this is the person you said I do to. This is the one you wear head and heels over and love in. This is the one that you stood before Almighty God and promised to love. Remember, when you're attacking your spouse, you're hurting your own flesh. Why? Because the two become one. Do you sit there and pinch yourself Try to inflict pain on yourself? No. But you're doing that every time you attack your spouse's character. Don't do that. Even if your spouse is the main culprit, because guess what? Eventually, at some point, the shoe will be on the other foot. Number two, be specific, not generalized. In other words, what is actually the problem? Sometimes what is addressed, or what comes out in the conflict, actually isn't the problem. Sometimes you've got to dig a little bit deeper underneath the surface. And this is true even with children. You know, sometimes children act up and do, and you're like, oh, it's just being rebellious. Actually, there might be more to it than just meets the eye. Sometimes you've got to dig a little bit deeper because sometimes there's a hurt there that they're addressing, and it's just coming out in multiple different ways. And we want to kind of get to the root of the problem. You get to the root, you can take care of it. Sometimes what we're dealing with all the time is symptoms by getting so general. about things. We need to get down. What was it? What did I do or what was not done that hurt you? Or say what it was. Be specific. Because guess what? Sometimes the things that hurt us were actually us. Our own thinking and our own misunderstandings. Sometimes we find after we talk about it, oh boy, that was just, why did I get all up in arms about that? Get specific, not general. And refrain from using words like always and never. You always forget this. You never do this. Always and never are the most horrible words to use in an argument because you're saying that they are an absolute failure. No. What is the specific problem and what can be done to solve it? Let's be constructive. Number three, when confronting a problem, keep check on emotional temperature. Because when emotions flare, so does the mouth, doesn't it? Ever been in a heated situation and all of a sudden you're like, all your mind is thinking about is how you can deck back and deck back harder? Maybe not physically, but with the word or with the tongue? You know, how can I help with this one? Now, if the temperature emotionally is rising, then it might be time to take a little bit of a timeout and come back when things have cooled off. Don't allow emotion to control things because emotions, emotionally charged people make very foolish decisions and say very foolish things. That leads me to number four, timing is critical. You know what, sometimes to address a conflict, There are certain times, locations, and settings that are just not appropriate for addressing those issues. You know, sometimes it's just not appropriate. Sometimes it's not the right time. You know, when the spouse comes home from work and they get slammed with a problem right away, I mean, you know, maybe just let them kind of just settle. Let them wash their hands. Let them do what they need to do. Let things get just calmed, you know, in a situation. Sometimes people want to fight when the kids are all up in arms as well and it's just like, you know, that's kind of bad timing. Sometimes timing, certain locations, certain settings just aren't appropriate for addressing the issue and you might have to wait a little bit until it is. Number five, desire to save the relationship, not destroy it. I was listening to a preacher here. about a month ago at a meeting I was at, and it was funny, he was talking to pastors and he was like, you know, I don't know if you guys have ever had this situation, but I've sat in counseling sessions where I thought I was the only one that wanted to save this marriage. And I heard a lot of, oh, amen, you know, I mean, a lot of preachers are saying that. And it's sad, but sometimes that's the way it is. You know what, desire to save the relationship, not destroy it. Don't judge others' motives or make assumptions. We want to save those things. Relationships are valuable. You don't want to lose them. You know, sometimes our conflicts are simply misunderstandings or mistakes that were never intended to inflict harm to begin with. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Number six, and this is going to be true in every conflict, you need to learn how to forgive. Forgiveness is not holding something against that person any longer. We sometimes use the cliche, bearing the hatchet. You know, it's time to just, it's time to move on from that and forgive. And that's a choice. Hey, God won't help heal the conflict until the choice is made, by the way. The Bible says in verse 32, And be ye kind one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake, hath forgiven you. A conflict cannot be resolved until forgiveness is exercised. Choose not to hold the wrong against your spouse anymore. Because sometimes it leads to the best part of a conflict. Making up. Making up. Why is that? Because what's interesting about conflicts that are handled biblically Both parties are actually humbled. They're, you know, they tend to, I've noticed after my wife and I have a knock down, drag down fight. Amen. No. But in all seriousness, the times we've had conflict and we've resolved it, I tell you, there's a spirit of humility that comes over you. Why? Because you admit that you have been wrong. And they graciously forgive you and, you know, you kind of exchange that. And there's a sense of humility that comes over. And then the desire with that is to display love back to that person. It's interesting how conflicts can actually draw people together if they're handled right. It doesn't have to blow people apart. And you learn some things. And you know what? You can grow out of them, too, because you can learn, oh boy, maybe I shouldn't do that anymore. Maybe I need to do some changing. Good things can come out of these types of things. You know, remember, the Bible says everything, that all things work together for good to them that love God. Hey, people who try to resolve conflicts make it their goal. That's a display of your love for God. And guess what? Good can come out of that bad. And your marriage can actually get strengthened. It's neat how following God's principles, even in negative times, can do some real positive things if we give that opportunity. But it all comes down to how we choose to handle it. We can hold the grudge. We can keep it all bitter. We can demand the other one does not, or we don't humble ourselves and demand the other one does. But look, that's not going to help anybody. Both spouses should be cheering each other on, not striving to tear each other down. Conflict will test that. But if we truly love the one that we said I do to, we will seek to resolve it in a way that honors the Lord, rather than the way that just gets victory for me. Remember, this is a team effort, not a one man or one woman show. May God help us confront conflict biblically.