All right, if you will, turn to Ephesians chapter six again. Ephesians chapter six. Looking at verse 4 again, and you fathers do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. And so we're going to continue our study of biblical child training. And last week we gave the example that Priolo gives on to basically gave the example on to prove a point. And remember he asked the question, what is the first rule for teaching a parakeet how to talk? Do y'all remember the first rule? You must have a bigger vocabulary than the parakeet. All right? Would you all agree with that? Well, similarly, what is the first rule for disciplining children? We're not talking about just physically disciplining. I'm talking about disciplining them where they're disciplined in righteousness. Well, you must have more discipline than the child. And I think that's a thing that maybe many of us as parents, we don't get this. So we want them to have a structured sleep schedule. We want them to have a structured schedule throughout the day, but we ourselves are unstructured. And so it kind of gets difficult. Do you find yourself struggling to see discipline in their own lives? And maybe part of it is there's no structure in your life, so you're not really leading by example. But the ability to train a child, to discipline a child effectively is really proportionally related to your own self-discipline. I mean, let's go back through some of the examples. If you desire your child to have a regular time in the Word and reading and study through the Word, Well, you would have to leave that, right, in terms of your example. Prayer, right? Serving and doing things for others. If you desire to see, you know, your home being a home of hospitality and seeing that even in your children's home when they leave one day, well, then you'd have to structure your own home likewise. I mean, you're setting the patterns. And so it's very difficult for you to set a standard for them that you're not going to live up to. And so the more disciplined we are as parents, the more likely we'll be able to train our children. So in your home, you need to consider the degree that you are disciplined in any given area, and it's only to that degree you should expect your children to be disciplined. Turn over to 1 Timothy 4. Let's just look at another verse that we looked at last week by way of review. Remember what he says, Paul's instructing Timothy, he says, but reject profane and old wise fables and exercise yourself or discipline yourself towards godliness. And Paul is telling Timothy, you need to learn to train yourself to an end, and that end is godliness. And so that word discipline in the Greek is a word that means to train. And the word was really taken out of the athletic realm where you would think of someone going into a gym, you know, you think about training your muscles over and over again to strengthen them. So let's say you try to pick up a weight today that's impossible for you to pick up, but over time, as you train your muscles, what was once impossible now becomes very possible. And that's the idea. When Paul uses that word, what is impossible with respect to godliness for some of you guys, when you think about it, you're thinking, well, that's impossible. but maybe you're not training yourself to that end. And so what was impossible in one area is now all of a sudden possible as you bring yourself under the Lordship of Christ and submit to His will and start seeking Him to help you in these areas. Okay? We also looked at Hebrews 5. Turn over there. In Hebrews 5, remember, the issue there was that the writer of Hebrews is rebuking the readers of Hebrews for their lack of spiritual knowledge. And he says in verse 12, "...for though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone else to teach you again the first principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, for he is a babe. But solid food belongs to those who are full of age, that is, those who by reason of youth of their senses, exercise, discipline, trained to discern both good and evil. So we see that we should be, you know, just think about what, I mean, when you go to the gym, or what if you wanted to learn to run a marathon? Think about the monotony that comes in in just running day after day to train yourself up to that end. The same thing with, say, lifting weights or whatever. I mean, it's nothing exciting or, you know, anything like that. It's doing the same things over and over again. Well, it's the same way when it comes to righteousness, when it comes to godliness. You have to train yourself over and over again to go through these examples that we're going to give you and start thinking about them. And parents, this is where you can be a great blessing to your children to help them to that end. Here's the question. We talk about all this training and discipline. How does this apply to dealing with the anger within your children? Well, let's think of, you know, we gave you the example of how a blacksmith would train, you know, back when they used to have the apprenticeship programs, how he would work, how the master blacksmith would train the apprentice. And he would have him go over the steps over and over again, even so much that he would take the young man's hand to teach him how hard to hit the metal. are exactly where to hit the metal, when it needs to go back in the fire, when it comes back out. And he would do this over and over again until he would step back and watch the young apprentice do it himself. And if the young apprentice failed, maybe he would come back in and help. But do you see where we fail at times because we just tell them, well, here's one, you know, here it is. I want you to behave this way. I want you to quit arguing with your sisters. But didn't I tell you to quit arguing with your sisters? So what we may have to do is when you hear them arguing, you may have to go and intervene and say, OK, what are you arguing about? What's the issue at hand? Help them understand the issue that is at hand when it comes to, say, being selfish, looking out for your own interests. And you may have to stand there as the master blacksmith would grab the hand of the apprentice. You may have to have them go over, well, here would be the appropriate way to handle the situation. And we talked about what if the master craftsman had just simply explained the procedure one time, and when the apprentice made his first mistake, he just said, you know, you're wrong. No dinner for you tonight. You better improve tomorrow. I mean, we would say, well, that's pretty cruel and unmerciful. But this is sometimes what we do as parents, maybe because we're frustrated. Maybe it's because we haven't been going through the process of training them. We're now frustrated, but we refuse to step back for a moment and to acknowledge our own responsibility in the situation. Now, young people, you're never off the hook. You are always responsible for your behavior. What we're trying to do is give you and your parents the tools and equip you because one day you will be parents. And then guess what we get to do as grandparents? You know all this criticism some of y'all do about us and where we drop the ball and make mistakes? Oh, it's gonna be fun being grandparents for some of y'all, right? And I can't wait to see it. But the point here is that we want you, not seriously, we don't want you to make the same mistakes. You don't have to make the same mistakes we did. You can start from the very beginning, learning how to discipline yourself so that you might train your children to discipline themselves at a young age, okay? So we went through an example. Let's say, you know, you ask a child to clean the room up, and we thought, well, what would be some possible responses? You know, they might say, well, go away. I'm busy. Well, how would you respond in that situation? Would you just give them a good, you know, a good whooping, and that's it? Or how about they say, well, OK, well, they roll their eyes and they stomp off. Well, how would you, what would you do at that moment? Would you say, well, OK, well, at least they're doing it. Or what if they said with a sarcastic tone or an irritated tone, sure, I'll do it, you know, right? How would you handle that? So, you know this goes on. And the question is, are you prepared to handle it? Are you prepared to address it? Or are you just gonna say, well, they're doing what I asked them to do, I'm gonna declare victory here, okay? Well, this is all something going on on the inside. And those are the warning signs that something's going on within the heart of the child. And so, what I suggested last week is you teach them how to communicate. They need to learn to be selective about their words. There's a lot of ways that a child can communicate the right words to you. And some of you would say, well, I can't put words in their mouth, but really you can. You can make them learn how to speak and choose the right words until you're content. Make them be thoughtful about their words. You don't like it if I'm not thoughtful about my words, and I don't like it if you're not thoughtful about your words, so we need to train them to that end. Also, the right tone. And I would suspect it's not necessarily what your children are saying to you that provokes you to wrath as parents. I suspect it's the way they say it, their tone, and how they talk to you. I think that probably provokes the wrath of parents more than anything else. So you need to teach them not only how to choose the right words, but you need to teach them the right tone. And then you need to teach them how to choose all the different forms of nonverbal communication. In other words, their body language, are they looking at you? Okay, you know, that kind of stuff, that's unacceptable. That's body language that's telling you there's something going on on the inside. Alright, if they roll their eyes, I'm trying to think of some other verbal cues, and a lot of times, they don't know they're doing it. Some of them are so conditioned at doing it, while they're doing it to you, they're still telling you, I'm not rolling my eyes. Right? They're so conditioned to do it, and so you need to help them. Alright? So, these are things that you could do, and there again, you have to When they're getting it wrong, you have to communicate to them in a manner that you're trying to get them to communicate back to you. Okay? So you have to watch your body language. You have to watch your tone. You have to watch the words you say. So if your child is having trouble communicating with you, don't let them walk off, stomp off, roll their eyes and say, well, okay, well, at least they're doing it. Nope. Stop them. Turn around. Let's try it again. All right? I want you to control your body language. I want you to control your tone. I want you to select your words wisely. Now, this doesn't mean you still don't take the rod or deal with the other things that we've already talked about, but you're now training them about what is acceptable. Remember, we went through some of these examples. I'm pleased with your words that you've chosen and the manner that you expressed, and now wipe the scowl off your face. And let's try it again. Same words, no scowl. I want to see your choppers. I want to see some teeth. I want you, because they can do it. They can. You might say, well, very good, son. Now look me in the eyes and sit up straight in your chair. And now, let's say it again. So you're setting expectations. What are you doing? You're doing the same thing the runner does. You're doing the same thing the guy in the gym does. You're training. You're disciplining. Okay? Maybe your children are turning their body away from you if they're talking to you, right? That's a big no-no, right? That's like one of the greatest signs of disrespect. So, all right, try it again. Now this time, look me in the face, uncross your legs, uncross your arms, sit up. Let's talk like an adult, okay? And children, do you understand that most of you are wanting to be treated like adults, but you're behaving like children when you do this? And so you're never going to get the privileges as an adult because of the way you're communicating. And you don't get it. All right? All right. So I think that helps you out. That gives you some ideas. And some of you, I think we dealt with the objection last week. Some of you may be thinking, well, I don't have time. Look at the number of children I've got in my house. Do I have to? Yeah. You've got time. Because the investment, the more you invest effort into this, into training your children, particularly if you've been negligent in these areas. But remember, you know, the payoff is huge. It's worth it. It's worth taking them and spending that kind of time with them to help them learn how to communicate with you. And I think it's not only going to save you time in the back end, it's going to save you a lot of grief in the long run. Okay? And don't forget, this is your responsibility. As God has given you your children, you are to be training them. All I'm trying to get you to understand is Are you even aware what the training process looks like? What should we be doing? And simply screaming at them to get them to do what you want them to do is not training them. Well, it is training them, right? But what is it training them to do? To fear you and not God. And then you also, you'll pass that character trait on to them, and they'll become screamers. Okay? All right. So go back to 1 Timothy. in 1 Timothy 4. Now I thought this was really helpful because Paul says, Now notice what he says in verse 8, having promise of the life that is now and that which is to come. And so to the degree that you are investing time to produce godly character within your children, I think you're laying up for yourselves treasures in heaven. And so when you think about it, let me ask yourself this, what else are you doing that's more important than this? Why couldn't you invest this amount of time? What are the things that are keeping you from investing this kind of time? I suspect the answers are either you're undisciplined, you haven't learned how to control your temper, you haven't learned how to control your anger. Two, you're not equipped. Or three, you are so concerned about the things of this world, you don't have time for this. And it could be a combination of all three. So I would just get you to reconsider that if you're seeing these issues within your children, step back for a moment and think about, all right, am I allowing my kids to discipline themselves to ungodliness? Am I allowing unrighteous behavior to dictate and dominate in their life? Because I'm not training them, I'm allowing them to train themselves. That make sense? So let's move on this evening. Let's deal with the question of what's at the heart of anger. Have you guys ever seen Lou Priolo when he comes to these homeschool conferences? Have you ever sat through one of his sessions? I know he's been here in the past. But when he does a session, he'll typically do an exercise where, in front of all these people, he'll say, alright, on the count of three, at three, I want you to just start hating me. And he'll go, one, two, three, now hate me! And he'll try to encourage you to hate him. And then they all start grinning like you do. They all start laughing. Why is that? I mean, it's just hard to hate somebody that you don't know and really never have done anything to you. And you don't really harbor wicked thoughts against someone you don't know, right? He hasn't done anything to you. And so, when you start... Here's the issue, though. When you start thinking thoughts about someone like, you know, how could they do such a thing? And it could be as simple as having someone say something to you that you found hurtful. Maybe they didn't intend it to be. But you start dwelling on that. And then it becomes easy for you to hate them. Then you start thinking things like, well, I bet they wouldn't like it if someone did that to them. And so maybe you start reasoning. Maybe you start thinking, well, maybe I should do it back to them, just to let them see how it feels. And then they're going to understand what I'm going through. And so when you start thinking like that, you find it easier and easier to hate. And the point I'm trying to make here is you can see that our feelings are largely tied to how we think. And what happens is that many of us turn our vengeful thoughts into vengeful actions, and this can happen a lot within the home. And so this is where we need to teach our children, we need to teach ourselves, where is the battle won in this issue of vengeance and the outward expression of anger? Well, I think the battle is actually won. We must teach them to control their thoughts. Because if you can discipline them to control their thoughts, and if you can discipline yourself to control your thoughts, These other issues that we're talking about really just don't ever come out to play. So what is the heart? J. Adams says, the heart is the source or treasure house from which the outer words and actions spring. And just listen to his words. In order to help us better understand the biblical meaning of heart, let us ask, what then is set over and against the heart, if anything? Alright, so you see his question. What is set over or against the heart? And he says the answer is always, without exception, the visible outer man. Worship that one gives with his lips, which would be outer, visible, audible worship, would be something of the external, but when he's with his heart, he's thinking about something that's inner, invisible, inaudible. It's far from God. And the idea he's trying to make here is that we can't see it, but God can. And he makes this contrast. Turn over to Matthew 15. I want you to see what he's trying to get across here, because I think it's helpful. In Matthew 15, look at verse 8. Now, Christ is talking about these hypocrites, and Adams is trying to make the contrast between the heart and the outward man. He says, in verse 7, "...hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy about you, saying, These people draw near me with their mouth," which is something external you can see, it's audible, "...and honor me with their lips." But notice, their heart, something that's inward we can't see, is far from me. "...and in vain they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men." And so, not only that, we are instructed that a man looks often on the outward appearance, but in contrast, where does God look? On the heart of an individual. 1 Samuel 16, 7. When Samuel is about to select the new king, and he's looking for a man of stature, and he never even thought to look David's direction, but God reminds him, no, that's not where... God doesn't look on the outward, He looks on the inward, the heart of a person. And so without multiplying the references, Adam says this, it's safe to say that everywhere the Bible uses the word heart to speak of the inner man, or as Peter puts it in a thoroughly definitive way, the hidden person of the heart, plainly then the heart in the Bible is the inner life that one lives before God and himself, a life that is unknown by others because it is hidden from them. And so we want to contrast the heart from the outward, because it's the heart that drives the outward external behaviors, the words that come out of your mouth, your behavior towards one another. And I would say, think of your heart as a teacup. You ever heard the old expression, bumping the teacup? What happens when you bump a teacup? Whatever's in that cup comes out, and that's the way the heart is. Your heart is like a teacup in that when it is bumped, whatever's in that heart, whatever's in that cup is going to come out, and you see it. And it typically comes out in a stressful situation, particularly when you don't get your way. When you don't get your way, it's like a window into what is filling your heart. So, for example, turn over to Proverbs 15. Let's look at some Proverbs. If your heart is filled with foolishness, then what do you think is going to come out of your mouth? Well, in Proverbs 15, 2, it says, the tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. So if your heart is full of foolishness, then what comes out of your mouth will be foolish, and it's never really edifying. And comments that you think are innocent and are in jest, really, when you see the heart of a fool, it's really because he's got nothing else to bring. So even as young men, if you're filling your minds up with the Word of God, you do have a word of encouragement even to give to another young man, and it doesn't always have to be a joke. Young men, when you're in the presence of young ladies, you're in the presence of young queens around here. You ought to start thinking of them as such. You ought to start speaking to them as such. They're not the objects of your jokes. They should be esteemed when they're in your presence. And if you don't get that now, you're gonna really struggle when you get married. All right? Young ladies, I'll pick on you for a moment. These young men around here, they're not there for you to embarrass, to make fools out of them if they mess up, to exacerbate or to put the spotlight on when they make a mistake, but you can come along and you need to learn to encourage them, okay? Alright, so when you think about this, if all that spews forth from your mouth is foolish comments, it's because that's all your heart is filled with. If you've got nothing encouraging, if you've got nothing exhorting to say to someone else, I would say you ought to be spending your time filling your minds up with the Word of God, to bring something else to bear, okay? Next, if your heart is filled with deceit, then what comes out of your mouth? You can say it. Proverbs 12, 20 says this, deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, but the counselors of peace have joy. You know, if your heart is wicked, deceitful, then you know what? Then your first response, whenever you think the spotlight's being put on you, is to deceive. Or even, you know, if your heart is full of deceit, even when you're not put on the spotlight, sometimes you deceive when it doesn't even get you anything, right? That's when you really know you're a fool. When you lie and it doesn't even buy you anything. Now, I'm not telling you to lie when it gets you something. That's not my point. But some of you just lie just because you're just too comfortable with it, okay? How about a heart that's filled with pride? What would come out of that mouth? Well, turn with Psalm 101. Psalm 101. Now here's the thing as we're going through some of this. Some of your children clam up when I come around, so I don't even know what they talk about. But you know what they talk about when they're at home. You know what's in their heart because their mouth, their actions is like a window into their heart. And so your job is to start being a little bit more discerning so that you can train them. In Psalm 101, look at verse 5. So I want you to understand that if you're seeing arrogant, self-reliant statements, really no regard for the consequences of what they're doing, that's a proud and arrogant, haughty heart. And I want you to see in Psalm 101 what is the end of someone who is arrogant and proud. God says, I will not endure them. And so if you did a word study on proud and arrogance across the Scriptures, it's pretty clear what the end of the arrogant will be. Well, what if your heart is filled with anger? What will pour out from that mouth? Go to Proverbs 26. Proverbs 26 look at verse 24 he who hates disguises it with his lips and lays up deceit within himself When he speaks kindly do not believe him for there are seven abominations in his heart though his hatred is covered by deceit his wickedness will be revealed before the assembly and So here's the thing if your heart is filled with anger you may hide it for a time But eventually it's going to come out and the anger and the vileness within your heart is going to spew forth, and it's going to give you away. Okay? Now let's contrast this with a properly trained heart. If your child's heart is filled with wisdom, what do you think flows from that mouth? Turn over to Colossians. Now the question is, I hope you're already thinking about this, if I drive foolishness out of the heart of my child, what am I going to replace it with? Do you see why the rod does not impart wisdom? Now the rod may drive foolishness away, but when you drive it away, what are you going to fill the heart with? So this is teaching you really what you need to be thinking about. You've probably got part of the discipline. the training aspect of what I've been teaching. We just want to start bringing in the more positive aspects of it. Look at Colossians 3. For example, look at verse 16. And I want you to think about that. I want you to think about, do you see your children speaking wisdom one to another? Do you see your children encouraging other children when they're around them? Or if you just step back and watched your children for a moment, would you start recognizing there's an element of selfishness? within them, because really all they're wanting is asserting what they want when they want it. Or do you see, hey, there's something going on here in my child, because of the time in worship that we have at home, because of the time they're spending in God's Word and filling their mind up with the wisdom of Christ, they're now able to teach and admonish one another and encourage one another. Do you see that? So the question is, are you seeing what's in their heart by what's coming out of their mouth. Are you able to start discerning that and diagnose it? Now, I know a lot of you are good at diagnosing it with other people, but you're going to have to start bringing it home because that's your training ground. Your training ground is not in my home. Your training ground is in your home and vice versa. Does that make sense? And so the idea here is that you need to start learning how to diagnose with the Word of God, all right? Well, what's coming out of their mouth? Well, then that's a good indication of what's in their heart. All right, now, then turn to Psalm 37. If the heart is filled with righteousness, what will flow from their mouth? Psalm 37. Psalm 37. Look at verse 30. The mouth of the righteous speaks wisdom, and his tongue talks of justice." That's an interesting way to look at it, right? The law of his God is in his heart, and none of his steps shall slide. It would be an encouraging verse to put and meditate on. So is your heart full of righteousness? If so, what will come from your mouth? It'll be wisdom. You'll be speaking right words. You'll be encouraging. You'll be, as Colossians, later on in Colossians 4, it starts talking about speaking and seasoning your speech with grace. And so that's what we ought to be thinking about, how we use our words. Alright? What if your heart is filled with virtue? What will flow out from your mouth? Turn over to Proverbs 22. Proverbs 22, look at verse 11. He who loves purity of heart and has grace on his lips, the king will be his friend. And so I want you to think about this, young people, as you hear me saying these words, and we're contrasting the heart that is filled with foolishness, deceit, pride, anger, and contrasting that with wisdom, righteousness, virtue. What's coming out of your mouth? Because that's a good indication of what's in your heart. I mean, you've got a great opportunity to start training within your home, within this church, to be speaking wisdom towards one another. Have a word to bring. Have something encouraging to bring. Okay? What if your heart is filled with meekness? What will flow from that mouth? Turn to 1 Peter 3. Now, as you're thinking through your children, parents, and you're going through the Rolodex, right, of each child, okay? You may need to go back and spend some time of training them in these areas. So if you're trying to, if you're still scratching your head after this study, well, I'm not quite sure what I should go home and work with. Come see me, I'll help you. Because even though I may not know specifically what's going on with each individual child within your home, I can tell you very clearly what you should be thinking through about each child. and how you ought to start training him now or her now. Okay? 1 Peter. That's where I was headed. 1 Peter 3. Look at verse 4. Rather let it be... We'll go back to verse 3. Do not let your adornment be merely outward, arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel. Rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. And so think about the nature of meekness. In the Psalms, it talks about the meek shall inherit the earth. Now, you hear Christ talk about that in Matthew 5, right, in the Beatitudes. But where's Christ pulling that from? He pulls it from Psalm 37, I think it's in verse 11. But when he says the meek shall inherit earth, he then says, and they seek peace. Do your children seek peace within your home, or do they seek to get their own way, which always leads to strife and discord? Okay, so if that's what's going on in your home, you're already halfway there in terms of the diagnosis. Then you just gotta worry about how to start bringing the medicine. Okay? But you've got to start paying attention to what they're saying, because what they're saying is, like I said, it's a window into the heart. What's in there? Someone's bumping the teacup, and when it comes out, you know what's in the heart. Does that make sense? Okay. Well, turn over to Matthew. I hope that was helpful for you. Turn over to Matthew. chapter 12. In Matthew chapter 12, look at verse 34. Christ, He's talking to these Pharisees, He said, you brood of vipers, how can you be an evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. So once again, I'm trying to get you to understand the mouth is a clear window into what's going on on the inside. And he says in verse 35, a good man out of the good treasure of his hearts bring forth good things and an evil man out of the evil treasures bring forth evil things. And so once again, what is coming out of the mouths of your children? And my concern is that we are far too prone to, you know, well, they're my kids and you kind of look at them through a special pair of lenses that the Bible wouldn't see them in. and you're not helping them. We don't help our children when we continue to let issues of anger, sin within their heart, deceit, foolishness, folly. We don't help them when we don't bring this to their attention. And then it's not just enough to bring this to their attention, but start training them to act counter to that, okay? And are we clear? This is not anything that shouting can do. You can shout at them all day long, but remember what James says, that doesn't bring the righteousness of God. So, only God can see the heart, right? I mean, how many times do we hear that? Well, you don't know my heart. But the Bible just told us that your mouth is a pretty good barometer of what's going on. The other barometer is your countenance. How your body language is. I can tell very quickly who's interested in my sermons when I teach them. Your body language gives it away. So do your eyes when you fall asleep. But the point is, is that when you Open your mouth. Don't tell somebody, well, they don't know what's in your heart. Because God's Word says, well, that's a pretty good indicator of what's going on there. Okay? And so as parents, I think we've been commanded to train our children. I think we ought to let the Proverbs teach us Remember, the Proverbs teaches to drive foolishness that exists in the heart of the child, but then as you drive that foolishness out, you need to be replacing it with wisdom, godly wisdom. Go to Proverbs 16. Proverbs 16, Luke verse 23, the heart of the wise teaches his mouth and adds learning to his lips. So notice here in this Proverbs the contrast between the heart and the mouth, and that's what I'm trying to get you to see. In fact, when you go to the doctor, what's one of the first things they do after they get you off the scale and they take your temperature and they get your blood pressure, what's one of the first things they'll do? They'll say, open your mouth, say ah. Why? Because something about looking in your throat tells them a lot. Well, the same is true here. And we gotta learn to be doctors in this sense. We need to be able to diagnose what's in their heart by listening to what's coming out of their mouth. So, are you going to learn how to remove foolishness and impart wisdom? As parents, that is our task. You first do this by asking a lot of questions when you're dealing with discipline issues. You ask a lot of questions so that you can begin to discern the heart of a child. And as a parent, you can draw out of the child all the necessary data to help him and help you diagnose any sin issues that reside within him. And so to the extent that you can draw out the necessary information, you can help him or her change his words, his actions, and his attitudes. But more importantly, what you can start helping them with is changing their thoughts and their motives, because that's really what you're after. And so to the extent you're not able to do this, to draw out the thoughts and motives of the heart, then your ability to help your child is going to be hindered. So it means you're going to have to put in some more work if you haven't been doing this. And if you haven't been doing it because you don't know how, well, that just means you're going to have to study harder. Well, how much harder? Well, I don't know. How many hours do you spend playing the piano each week to be good as you are? How much do you spend to get to where you can play, Bethany? I don't know if you play, practice anymore, but when you used to practice, right, how many hours would you spend? More than an hour? More than two? Ten hours a week? Six, ten hours a week? Okay. So, think about that. Anybody else have a skill that they use? How much do you figure you run each week to get as good as you are at soccer? How many hours do you probably practice growing up? Not you. Talk to your dad. Yeah. All right. So you took many hours to train yourself to get to be good at something you enjoy doing. Well, now here's the thing. How many hours should you be spending to equip yourself to learn to train the heart of your children? Just really depends on how big a hole you're in. And so maybe there's some things that we have to prioritize in our life to make sure that we are adequately preparing the hearts of our children so that we can diagnose the issue and then bring the proper remedy to the issue. Does that make sense? Okay. Now, when we talk about diagnosing, turn over to Hebrews 4. We talk about diagnosing the symptoms of a child's heart. This is where the Bible becomes very important. And this is what the writer of Hebrews, one of the things the writer of Hebrews is trying to get us across to us. But in Hebrews 4.12, we're familiar with this verse. For the word of God is living and powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword. Now notice, it pierces even to the division of soul and spirit and joints and marrow. And why does it go that far? Why does it go that deep? Because it is a discerner of the thoughts and the intents of the heart. Any of you ever get into habitual sin and you find it hard to read God's Word? Why is that? It's cutting you open and you don't want to see it. But that's the time you need it the most. And so when we look at God's Word, the only divinely approved diagnostic manual I'm aware of to deal with the heart issue is the Word of God, is the Scriptures. And so as parents, you've got to learn to draw the thoughts and the motives out of your children and help them diagnose those thoughts and motives in light of God's Word. Because that's really, that's the only diagnostic tool that you have and that's really where the only power is. The Word of God has the ability to lay them open. And I think we minimize that at times. We underestimate the power of the Word of God when your child is sinning to just stop what you're doing Put the cooking down, put whatever it is up you're doing, and you bring the Word of God to bear in their life. Trumbull writes this. He says, "...no quality of a good physician..." Now, this is in the late 1800s. "...is of more importance than a skill in making a diagnosis of a patient's case. If a mastermind in this realm were to pass and give you the diagnosis of a disease of every patient, the treatment of that disease would be comparatively easy." In other words, if you know what the diagnosis is, the remedy is pretty easy. He says a young graduate from a medical school or a trained nurse would be in the most instances be capable of knowing and doing that which was liable to be misdirected. And he's talking about a novice in this area. Nobody wants to go to an amateur doctor, one who's right out of school, until he's approved himself, right? Well, this is the same thing Trumbull's about to make the case here. As it is with the physician and his patient, so it is to be with the parent and the child. An accurate diagnosis is an essential prerequisite to rise and efficient treatment. The diagnosis secured, the matter of treatment is comparatively an easy matter. A parent's diagnosis of his child's case is in the discerning of his child's faults as preliminary to a process of training for their cure. Until that is secured, There is no hope of intelligent and well-directed treatment. And the point he's trying to make is that until you are grounded in the Word of God and can help diagnose and bring the remedy from the Word of God, all you've got is your gut intuition and worldly wisdom, which, according to the Scriptures, has no ability to bring down strongholds, has no ability to overcome the reigning power of sin in their life. So the goal of all this training in righteousness is to develop within the child the ability to desire and bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Paul talks about this in 1 Corinthians. Turn over there, 1 Corinthians 10. How about that 2 Corinthians 10? Turn over there. Yeah, 2 Corinthians 10. Notice what it says in verse 4, "...for the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty in God for the pulling down of strongholds, casting down every argument and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." And so you want to bring your child's thinking under the captivity to the obedience of Jesus Christ. Turn over to Romans 12. You see, as your child goes through discipline, he learns to speak truth in his heart as a matter of habit, and he will over time gain control over his thought patterns. Do you see why that's different? I don't know what you guys do in your homeschool with respect to training your children, but if you just kind of turn a DVD on, you just kind of turn it over to someone else, that's not what we're talking about. We're actually talking about taking the Word of God and walking with Him, training Him day in and day out. Paul in Romans 12 says this in verse 2, And so Paul explains that a Christian is totally transformed. by the renewing of his mind. And so as you drive out foolishness, this is where you are so invaluable in bringing in wisdom from God and helping them to renew their mind by filling it with the things of God, the mind of God, having thoughts after God. And it's not just giving them academic book knowledge. It's giving them knowledge and then holding them accountable to apply it. And so the process whereby the spiritual transformation takes place is beneath the surface, within the heart of the child, as the Word of God works from the inside out. You see, I don't think we've done enough by just teaching our children to simply behave as Christians. I think we need to go beyond that. Our job is to also teach them how to think and be motivated as a Christian. Now, for some of us, if you're like me, I always need examples. You say, man, that sounds good, but I mean, how do you do this? Well, I'll give you some examples you could probably build on it. Let me give you some things to think about. Let me give you some questions first, and then we'll expound upon them. So here's question one. When your child sins, and we're talking about helping them diagnose what's going on. So your child has sinned, they've had this outburst, whatever it is, right? First question, what circumstances led to the child to get to this point of anger? And I'll explain why in a moment. Number two, what happened to provoke my child to anger? Number three, what is the child telling himself when he becomes angry? How does he rationalize this? You see how this becomes important in trying to diagnose what's going on? Number four, what did the child desire when he became angry? What was driving him? What was his lust? What was his passion at that moment that drove him when he became angry? Number five, what does the Bible say about what the child desired when he became angry? Does God's word even speak to this? This is where you take the diagnosis and now you start bringing the remedy. What does God's word say? Number six, what should the child have said to himself whenever that situation came up? before he became angry, right? Number seven, what should the child wanted more than his own sinful, selfish, idolatrous desires? Okay, so that's not the end all of all the questions. I'm just trying to give you some things to think about that when you're in the heat of the moment, you gotta diffuse the emotions. When there's anger there, there's a lot of emotions, right? You gotta diffuse the emotions, and then you need to start asking questions and figure out. Now listen, when we start asking questions, child, that doesn't get you off the hook. But what we are trying to understand is what's going on within the heart so that we can better bring God's Word to bear to help you in your walk. Okay? So let's look at this in a little bit more detail. All right, so number one, what circumstances led my child to anger? And this question tells you whether the anger was righteous or sinful anger. Okay? It also identifies any patterns or habits or events that trigger anger in your child, because if you can see it get to a pattern, you can start diagnosing pretty quickly what's going on. Maybe it's just selfish. Maybe your child's just, you let them get their way all the time, and so they get mad when they don't get their way. If they don't get their favorite toy, if they don't get whatever it is they want, they get mad. And this is also going to help you identify what idols need to be dethroned in their life. Because even as children, they're always erecting idols, things that divert their attention away from God. So, in the first question, what circumstances led my child to anger? You want to get to the bottom of this. Number two, what happened to provoke my child to anger? I mean, this is very similar to question number one, but what is always provoking him? I bet in your home, when you see a child that is constantly, habitually lashing out, arguing, you know, breeding strife and contention around the home, there are things that are just patterns that are constantly provoking your child to anger. Now, you may be provoking your child to anger because you're allowing certain things to tempt them into your home, and so maybe it's a way for you to figure out, oh, maybe I need to get rid of that, whatever it is, you know, I don't know. You want to discern what's provoking him. Number three, when the child is being provoked to anger. Now this is important. What is the child telling himself when he becomes angry? And so the ability to discern the thoughts and the motives is an essential skill for us as parents. We've got to understand if we intend to see our children pursue holiness, we need to be able to discern the thoughts and the motives that lead our children to justify sinful behavior like an outburst of anger. And every time your child argues with a sibling, I don't care what the sibling has done, they're sinning because something about them is saying, I want what I want, I'm going to be selfish at this moment, and I'm going to lash out back at you. Do you see there's something underlying in their heart when they behave that way? And so you need the ability to recognize thoughts and imaginations of the heart, and that's going to be the first step to bringing them captive to the obedience of Christ. So you've got to learn that. Okay? Let me give you some verses to think about. Turn over to Psalm 15. Psalm 15. He says, He who walks uprightly and works righteousness and speaks the truth in his heart. Now, notice this. Lord, verse one, who may abide in your tabernacle? Who may dwell in your holy hill? Now, that's a great question, isn't it? And here's the answer. He who walks uprightly and works righteousness and speaks truth in his heart. So do you see how important it is to help your child gain control over their heart, where their heart is not ruling them with unbiblical or sinful behaviors, but you want to bring them under the dominion of Christ? I'll give you a few more to go and read, but I'm running out of time here. You can read 2 Corinthians 10, 4 and 5. We just looked at that. You can look at Isaiah 55, 7 and Jeremiah 4, 14. But what we need to do is we need to learn how to help our child understand that the heart is deceitful above all things. Jeremiah 17, 9, right? And cannot be known. The wickedness and the deceitfulness of our heart really can't be known separate from the Word of God because the Word of God is able to discern the thoughts and the motives. And many times what's happening with your child is that his heart's voice is camouflaged by his desires. And so we need to understand that it's difficult to detect wrong thoughts because they are often based on desires which may seem legitimate when in fact they are wrong desires, right? Turn over to James 1. James 1. James helps us out a lot here. In verse 12 he says this, himself tempt anyone, but each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is full-blown, brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren." Now, let me give you a real-life example. Yesterday, the Francos brought me an ice cream with caramel in it, and they tempted me with that, and I said no at first. But the more I looked at it, and then I began to rationalize my mind, that's really kind of rude for me not to eat that after they went and bought it. But you see, that ice cream would have no power over me if I didn't have a desire for it. And that's the way sin is. James is saying temptation doesn't have power over you if you didn't have a desire for those things. And so we need to learn to get control over those desires. You see, I fell victim. I did what Miss Marie told me not to do. But that thing was calling me. It was so powerful, right? What was the problem? My desire. I wanted it so bad. And that's what happens. And if you've got a toy you like so much in your home, and you like it, you want it so much that you just don't want anyone else to get it. And so you're going to fight for that. You know, the idea there is that I want it, and even if we both can't have it, I'd rather you not have it and me not have it than anyone have it. I mean, you see how wicked it gets? I mean, how perverted it gets? Because you want something so bad. All right. Go over to James 4. Look what he says in verse 1. Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust, and you do not have, and you murder and covet, and you cannot obtain. You fight and you war, yet you do not have because you don't ask. But the point here is James making the same point he made in the first chapter, which is, it's your desires. It's your wicked desires and pleasures that are leading you towards this, and you have another idol. Those desires are driving you, and you are serving that rather than serving the Creator who made you. And so, what is the Old Testament picture about physical idols? What should the Israelites have done with any idols? Destroy them immediately. Well, the same is true when we have spiritual idols. Anything that draws our affections and our attention away from the Lord Jesus Christ has to be set aside. It has to be destroyed. Okay? And so we need to understand the power of our desires. And then we can start to bring them under the subjection of Christ. And this is why it's so important. You need to understand what your child is actually saying to himself when he's angry. Let me give you some things, and this is sometimes difficult for you to get out of your child, because maybe they haven't formulated the vocabulary yet to explain this, and they have a hard time. But this would be some things you might hear, that's not fair. Whatever it was, was not fair. And so I rationalized, I justified my anger, because it wasn't fair. Or, I hate it when, and then you fill in the rest of the blank, I hate it when Gabby comes in and takes my toys. Right? And so that's why I told her. Or I hate it when Sidney comes in and messes up my stuff. Or I hate it if Hannah grabs my brush. I don't know what it is. But the point here is you begin to rationalize sin within your own self. And this is, parents, this is so important for you to start understanding. Well, maybe they're thinking in their mind, when there ain't, I'll show. I'm gonna get them back. I'll show. And so they rationalize anger with that kind of thinking. Or how about this, you kids, you know, maybe there's some, your parents have left another one of the siblings in charge, well, you can't make me do that. And the sibling is sitting there telling you, asking you to do something that's reasonable, something that your parents would have expected, and you sit there and say, well, you can't make me do that. Or maybe you say, I'm not gonna do that. Or maybe here's one, you get angry because you begin to sit there and say, well, I never get to have fun. And so, you know, your whole life is just a big misery. And so you rationalize sinful, hateful behaviors. Or maybe you're thinking, I want it and I'm gonna get it, I don't care what it is. Right? Or maybe you're saying, well, my parents, they're just unreasonable. And so I'm gonna, because my parents are unreasonable, at least in my way of thinking, I'm gonna justify this sinful behavior. Or maybe you sit there, and you're hearing your parents, and they're, oh, here's that same old lecture. Right? And you just get mad, and you tune it out, or you try to get out of it. But anyway, in order for you to help, you need to help them understand, help them to be accurate, help them to be forthcoming, to try to understand what they're saying when they're angry. And as you go through this, always be trying to understand what the child delights in. Where does he seek his happiness? Turn over to Psalm 37. Psalm 37 verse 4, delight yourself also in the Lord and he shall give you the desires of your heart. And so God has given man the ability to delight in anything he chooses. You may delight in another person, a vocation, an automobile, a home, travel, anything that you can set your heart on. And when our delight for these other items exceeds our delight in the Lord, then they become idols that we serve. And so if a child focuses his delight on the object itself, and only seeing God through the periphery, right? Then his focus is wrong. On the other hand, if God is the focus of his delight, and other things are only in the peripheral, right? Then your focus is correct. And so we need to train them to put their focus on the One who richly gives all things to be enjoyed. And if these things can be used as a means to praise God, the Creator, then he is worshiping God in his heart, is right, and his heart is not guilty of idolatry. So, I hope you see the importance of asking this question. What were you thinking when you got so mad? And you may have to help them, pull the answer out of them, but what they were thinking is going to help you diagnose what was going on within the heart of that child at any given moment. Does that make sense? Next, what did the child desire when they became angry? And it's important for you to discern this. And you're going to have to help your child a lot of times articulate this one as well, because it's not always easy for them. And so, here's some questions you can use to facilitate the conversation. What is it that the child believes they can't be happy without? Help them understand this. Ask the child, what is it that you desire? What is it that you believe you must have at that moment? Ask the child, what do they spend most of their spare time thinking about? Or what is it that the child is most concerned about losing? Or what does the child delight in, in other words, seek happiness in the most? What is it that they fixate on? What do they love more than they love God or their neighbor? I mean, these would be just some helpful questions. I'm trying, they're not the exhaustive list, but there's some questions that you can utilize to help your child begin to diagnose what's going on. And so here would be some unlawful desires that it might be common to children that you might want to discern and get some help or help your child with. A lot of children, they just want to control their parents. And so they want to manipulate the parents. And if you're not grounded in the Word, they will. They will manipulate you. Sometimes when they get angry, they just want to get even. Maybe you have a child that struggles with getting vengeance on another. Maybe they only want to do what they want to do. Very selfish. They're not willing to bend or seek the happiness of others within the home. They're not looking out for the interests of others. And so, if you're not dealing with this, you're just training a selfish, spoiled child that nobody wants to be around. Maybe they just wanted something that belonged to another and didn't really care. I mean, you see that a lot with children, right? And so, what is the typical response? Well, I don't know which one of you guys had it first. Do you see that's not the issue? The issue has nothing to do with who got it first, because then you're just training your child to beat the other kid to the punch, always. You're not training them to look out for the interests of others. What are we exhorted to do in the church? As much as it depends upon us, we are to maintain and keep peace and harmony. So what would you think about me if all I did was just exercise what I wanted and just didn't matter who was around me. I'm just going to do what I want to do and you're going to get out of the way. I want the last piece of cake. I want all the tea. I want all the good food and you're all going to get out of the way. I mean, what would you think about me? Well, why do you justify this in your children? Why do you think it's acceptable for your child to have such a horrible attitude, not looking out for the interest of the others? All right. So think about what your child is doing, right? And help them understand why that is sinful. Help them understand why it actually benefits them in the long run to look out for the interests of others. You bring peace and harmony around. And so if you want to help your child dethrone idols, then you must understand what sins you're dealing with. And so this is going to lead us to the next question. What does the Bible have to say about the child, his desire when he became angry? Now, all this diagnostic work implies that you're going to be able to take the Word of God and apply it. Now, don't fret if you don't, if you don't know how. Because I'm not here to discourage you. What I'm trying to get you to do is turn your issues... The last thing I want to do is for you to take the issues within your home and go find the experts to handle your problems for you. You see, that's what's happened in the church, and this is what's led to so much biblical illiteracy. Well, I've got problems. There's an expert that'll handle it. No. God's Word says you are to become the expert in your home in diagnosing your children's heart and not someone else. Now, keep in mind, that doesn't mean that you're without help. It just means you're not gonna abdicate your responsibility to someone else. They're your children. You should be training them, okay? But the idea here is start taking the Word of God and properly ministering it as you learn about how to apply God's Word. Start teaching your children, even at a young age. Why? So that they don't have to go through the same thing when they're out, when they're raising their children. And so you just start implementing the Word of God in your discipline, and the next problem that comes up, it gets a little easier and a little easier to address and handle. Next, what should the child have said to himself when he became angry? That'd be the next one. And so let me repeat, a problem cannot be solved biblically until it's diagnosed, and only then can you know where to look in the scriptures for insights and how to direct a change. So when you find and figure out and diagnose, here's the problem, here's what they were thinking when they got angry. Now, what does the Bible say they should have been thinking about? And so it's a different way of looking and addressing the problems because probably what you've been doing is bringing the world's methods that only trains them to more unrighteousness rather than taking God's Word and training them in righteousness. Okay? So you take the Word of God and you say, well, what should your response have been? And maybe you don't know at the given moment. But that's okay. Take the time out. Go spend some time in the Word. Pick up the phone. Call somebody. I got a challenge. I got a problem over here. What does God's Word say about this? And then you go address it. There's nothing wrong with that. That's how I learned. I just called those that were wiser in the Word than me, or I studied some of these things out. And you just learn. Alright, so let's use an example, and then we'll close this off. Let's just say, for example, because I know this will probably never happen, your child really wants to go play soccer when they wanted to, but because of a prior commitment you had, they couldn't go. Now, your child gets angry, and maybe they think this thought, now where are you two going? Y'all might need to hear this one. Alright, maybe they think it's not fair, right? Maybe they think it's not fair. Or maybe they think, well, my parents never let me do what I want to do. Or maybe my parents say, never want me to have any fun. Or maybe my parents are just so selfish. Or maybe you say, well, I can't wait to get out of here, right? Well, let's say those are a few thoughts. After you find out your child's angry and you now have said, hang on one second, we've got to deal with this. And you start quizzing them on what they're thinking. Well, let's say they said, well, this is not fair. Well, how are you going to address that? It's not fair that you've got a prior commitment and I can't go play soccer. How would you address this? Well, number one, it's a false accusation. Secondly, it's bad theology. And we need to understand that not even God is fair. God is just. And the issue here is that the parents, it does not have anything to do with fairness. It has to do with being just. They are responsible, the parents are responsible to keeping the word that they committed. And so what's the problem with the child at this point? They're being irresponsible, they're being selfish, and so the child has to be taught that they should be more concerned about the parents keeping their words than just having fun. That's training in righteousness. You see, the whole idea of just revolving your life around having fun at the expense of everything else. I mean, how irresponsible would you consider me if I just decided Sunday mornings is not a bad time for me to go out and play volleyball? That's probably where I could find people to play. So I'm not going to come here and preach anymore on Sunday mornings. I mean, what would you think? You'd say, how irresponsible. That's a distorted way to look at things. But you're no different. You're no different, child, when you sit there and say, well, that's not fair. Okay? So you need to learn to train your child to think not unrighteous thoughts, but learn to take the Word of God and bring it to bear in their life and train them to think righteous, that it is more important. Turn over to Psalm 15. And so this is where you're going to start learning the Scriptures. So Psalm 15, look at what he says in verse 4, "...in whose eyes a vile person is despised, but he honors those who fear the Lord, he who swears to his own hurt and does not change." What is that Psalm teaching you? that you should keep your word even to your own hurt. And that's what you should train your child. You should have them understand how serious God takes His word. Well, what if the child says, well, my parents never let me do what I want to do. Well, number one, that's a lie. Which of you kids could actually sit there and say, your parents never let you do what you want to do? You ever want to eat? You ever want to sleep? So your parents never let you do anything you want to do? I mean, that's being a bit deceptive, don't you think? There's not a parent I know of that don't let their children do some of the things they want to do. So you should never think that thought. So what is the problem when a child thinks like this? Well, they're selfish. In other words, what I want to do, the child is thinking, is more important than me honoring my parents. And so now you can take them to Ephesians 6 too and teach them about the importance of honoring you no matter what the decision is. How about you say, well, my parents never want me to have any fun. Well, the problem is here is the same one that the child wants to throw back at their parents, which is, well, you don't really know what I'm thinking. Well, you may not ever want to let you have fun. Hey, you know what I'm thinking. Isn't that what your child says? Well, you don't know what I'm thinking. But the point here is that, how can you say that? That's an exaggeration. And so the idea is that, are you put here on this planet as an image-bearer of God just to have fun? Parents, you have a great opportunity to train them to the end for which they were created. Their enjoyment comes in who? They find enjoyment in God, who is the sole object of their knowledge. Right? All right, let me give you another one real quick, and I'll wrap this up. Some would, you know, if the child thinks, well, my parents are selfish. Now, once again, that's another false accusation, and it's very dishonest and ungrateful. And when this attitude comes up, you need to get a hold of that one quickly. They need to be taught to appreciate what God has done for them by giving them you as their parents. And a person who keeps their word, and a person who keeps their commitments, is not being selfish. And so the child needs to understand this. Otherwise, what will happen is you're going to raise a child who thinks it's okay to go back on their word if maybe fun is in question. So if my fun means I've got to go back on my word, you need to train them against that because God is very, very clear in His word over and over again about all people. keeping their word. When you make a vow, when you tell somebody you're going to do something, you do it to their own hurt, to your own hurt, excuse me. When you say that your parent is selfish, basically that is reduced to name-calling and evil speaking, and so once again, it's a great opportunity for you to train your child to learn how to govern their tongue. Also, the idea here is that it is ungrateful, and you need to train your child to be thankful for you as parents, which you have already given them, and not focus on what they wish you would have given them. And so, if there's an issue that I see today with children and adults, it's this issue of being ungrateful. We're never content with what God has given us. We're never content with His goodness towards us. And so, that's why it's so important that you have to deal with this, even at a young age. Okay? So simple. Let me stop here, and we'll pick up Laura Willen next time we come in, and we'll continue to drill down a little bit more of this. But I hope you're finding this useful and helpful as you think through. You're going to be in these situations. If your child gets angry, you're going to have to figure out how to diagnose what's going on. You're going to have to start learning how to ask questions. Once you find the diagnosis, then you've got to find the right scripture to bring to bear. Why? Why bring the scripture to bear? Because the writer of Hebrews says it lays them open. It exposes the intents and the motives of their heart. And this is where you can start doing the work. You can start bringing the remedy in. Okay?