up our children. And I want to recall your attention that in this section as we're trying to deal with how we deal with anger within our home, we made the connection that a lot of times when you see angry children displays of outbursts of anger, what we normally see is there's something going on within and the warning signs were probably always there well before you actually saw the outburst of wrath within your home. And so we started contrasting a child-centered home with a Christ-centered home, where a Christ-centered home brings everything under the dominion of Christ. And so you begin to teach your children obedience to the Lord by your example. So here's the question. How do you, if you're not immersing yourself in God's Word, would you know how to bring your home under the Lordship of the Lord Jesus Christ? Secondly, as you learn these principles, have you already given up and thought, well, this is impossible? I can't do it? Or does the knowledge of what God's Word has to say to you concerning these areas, particularly with raising our children, has that driven you back to the Lord to seek strength, guidance, wisdom from Him? And it's interesting, you can make a direct correlation with your growth in wisdom and knowledge of the Lord to your application of what you know you should be doing. And so whenever there's sin, sin begins as you begin to disobey God's Word in any area. When we disobey in the simple elements of our life, then it's going to be hard for us to be obedient and to be mighty in word and deed, right, in the more greater things. But remember, don't make that dichotomy. Don't think, well, I can't know. I know as much as I can know. You are going to always be growing in the grace and the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. That's our desire. So last couple of weeks we've been dealing with this issue of when Paul says, do not provoke your children to wrath. We first started dealing with, before we're gonna deal some this evening with how to start training your children to address these issues of anger in their own life. But remember, we started looking at some issues, some things we may be doing in our own homes that may be provoking our children to wrath. I hope this has been helpful for you, and I hope that it has caused you as husband and wives, let me just stay here, say this right now, that if you as husband and wives have not gone home together and started looking at these things that I've been bringing to your attention, you're irresponsible. Now, if you've gone through this with your wife and wives, with your husbands, if you have gone through these issues with one another, and you say, okay, well, these are areas that we're not guilty of, but then these are the areas that we are, and we need to start taking this away. Well, when you take something away, you've got to fill it with something. And you should be bringing it and filling it with God's wisdom. But let me just say this. If these things have just, you know, convicted you for one night, and then you went on about your normal course of business, that's not the intent of this study. And I want you to consider, because your children are sitting here as witnesses of hearing what you're hearing. And so they'll be watching your example, your example of obeying Christ in these areas. Now, there may be some things that maybe you disagree with, but you haven't brought it to my attention. So I assume we're all on the same page with what we've been discussing. And if that's the case, then your children are watching your example and what you're going to be doing in your home to rectify some of these problems we've brought to your attention. A couple more. There's a couple more. I thought I was done last week, but I thought about a couple others I thought I'd give you a hard time about. Here's another one that would provoke a child to wrath. And this one's kind of obvious, right? Ridiculing or name-calling. Turn to Ephesians 4. Look at verse 29. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good and necessary for it. Notice edification. That it may impart grace to the hearers. Wouldn't that apply to your children? Shouldn't it apply to your children? Now, I've heard some people object to saying that, well, you know, Jesus, John, Paul, they call people's names, you know, they call different people names. Why can't I? All right, well, let's talk about that. You could assume that your name calling meets the biblical criteria, right? So let's talk about the names that have been called out in the scriptures. The only names that you should use are the names that the Bible would describe a category of people. And so names should only be used when there's enough evidence to suggest that your child has actually fallen into one of these categories. Now what would these categories be? Will the Bible talk about people being slothful? That'd be appropriate use. I mean, if you have a child that's characterized by laziness, Well, okay, would that be okay? I think that's alright. Now, you might want to be discerning about how you use that language, and is that actually edifying, and is it encouraging? There are times when you need to rebuke a child if he's being lazy. So, my point here is not that you can't use it, but be discerning. Does the situation, does the evidence say that I should say this at this moment? There might be other ways to bring to his attention, and we'll talk more about that later on. The categories of foolish, the Bible's pretty clear about there's categories of fools out there and people that are foolish. There are people that are double-minded. There are people that are deceitful. There's people that are self-centered. There's categories, you know, we would think of idolatrous. I mean, these would be names that the Bible uses to describe and identify a people, a type of people that have been given, are giving themselves over to a particular type of sin. In other words, when the sin characterizes an individual, then it might be appropriate, depending on what's going on in the circumstance, to use such language. Typically, when you see Christ, you see John the Baptist or the Apostle Paul use such language like brood of vipers, things like that. It's going to get pretty bad in our home before I start leveling that against my kids. But the point is that, who is he talking to? He's talking to a stiff-necked people that know God's will, they know God's Word, they just are rebelling and refuse to submit. They're hard, flinty-hearted people. So does your child, given the circumstance that you're in with them at the given time, is that what you're dealing with? So you're going to have to be discerning about when you utilize these names. So if that makes you feel better that there is a category that says, okay, at some time it might be appropriate to use these types of names. fine, but I bet there's more, better ways to approach your children, because I haven't seen, I mean, I see them, you know, around here enough to know that, yeah, you probably got some rebellion issues and some disobedience issues. I'm not quite sure I've seen complete defiance to the level that would describe the Pharisees. But maybe you're fooling all of us. I don't know. You guys know better what's going on in your home, alright? Now, the kind of words I'm really thinking about more is things like idiot, moron, dummy. I just don't see how that kind of language would ever build up. I mean, when you're using names like that, it's typically meant to tear down. You're using your tongue in a way that is not encouraging, but to tear them down. I would say that's unacceptable. And so, in that sense of the use of the word, you are not... I mean, that doesn't fit any of the biblical categories. Okay? So keep that in mind. Additionally, using biblical names to describe, say, sinful behavior would only be employed when a child's life displays a particular sin that's to such a degree that the sin is obviously affecting all kinds of areas within his life. And so, you're going to plead with them. You're going to rebuke them. Okay? And so, when Christ, for example, or the apostles, once again, they use that language. It's usually against someone who is steeped in a particular sin, and their heart was so calcitrant and unrepentant that they would use such strong language. So, keep in mind, when it comes to your children, When it's necessary, utilize the biblical language, such as slothful, foolish, those types of things, more as a didactic tool, not as a weapon. Does that make sense? So be careful if you're going to use that type of language. You can use that kind of language even to tear them down. And as a weapon, what usually happens when you use your language to tear them down, as a weapon, this will antagonize the child and it's really not going to produce anything of value. And so, punitive name-calling only yields additional anger in the child, which will only exacerbate the situation you're in with them. Does that make sense? So, if you want to provoke your child to wrath, call them some names. Are you guilty of this? If so, why would you be guilty of this? Once again, you've now let anger take over you, and now you've relegated yourself down to name-calling. Probably the very thing you would chastise your child about if you heard them calling another child a name. Okay, so now you're down at their level. And then you have to ask yourself, when you hear your children calling names within the home, well, where are they learning that from? So you might have to step back for a moment and ask yourself, am I guilty of this? Now some of you may be quick to just dismiss and say, well, I would never call my kids, well, be careful. Do you hear anything of yourself in them when they're with one another, okay? All right, so ridiculing name calling will provoke the child to wrath. Another one, real quick. Turn over to 1 Corinthians 13. 1 Corinthians 13, 11. Here's another one that will provoke your children to wrath would be unrealistic expectations. So in verse 11 it says, When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things. You see, the Bible does acknowledge that children think, speak, and reason differently than an adult. That's why God puts them under you so that you might train them. When your children grow and mature, they will grow and mature sometimes at different rates. Therefore, you need to take this into consideration when you set expectations upon the child. And so when you set expectations, remember to keep in mind the priority is always on character building. So let's take math, I'm going to try to give you a practical example. Let's take math for example. Y'all do acknowledge that some kids don't grasp abstract math concepts as well as others, right? So if you've set the expectations for a child that is struggling in this area, or maybe you have a child that doesn't read as well as the ones that came before them. And so now you've set this expectation that they must meet this standard at the same rate as someone else. It's not taking into consideration how God has comprised them, made them up. And so for me, when I look at this issue, when it talks about expectations, the issue's not so much on what they achieve necessarily, although I'm not dismissing that. What's at stake for me is their character when tackling something that's difficult to them. So even though one of my kids might not grasp abstract math concepts, how do they approach something when I give it to them? How do they handle difficult situations? Do they just give up, throw their hands, moan and complain, murmur? Are we working with them to teach them how to persevere and work through difficult issues? My expectations on certain achievements is always going to be different, though, depending on the child. For example, I don't expect Hannah to be able to do what Aaron can do. That'd be unreasonable. What would I expect Hannah to be able to do? Well, I would expect Hannah not, you know, the things that I would put on the same page as Aaron is not to lie. There's a clear expectation to not be lazy, deceitful. So you need to make sure you've trained them. Also, when it comes to setting expectations, you also need to make sure you've trained them to meet your expectations. There's nothing more frustrating for someone to give a child a task, but never teach them how to accomplish the task. So let's just say, let me give you an example. Let's say I'm coaching a basketball team, and the basketball team is comprised of six-year-olds who have never played. And the first day at practice, I blow the whistle, and I say, all right, boys, get out there. Go do a full court press. Now what do you think they're going to do? They're going to look at me crazy. Now what would you think of me if I just stood over there and just started screaming at them? Get out there! Right? I mean, you'd think, well, he's lost his mind. What's the problem? I've never taught them a full court press. They don't know! And I'm sitting there saying, meet the expectations I have, but I've never trained you. I've never taught you how to even execute this. But isn't this what we do with our children? At times, we set expectations without really thinking through if we've trained them to meet the expectations. And this can become a very frustrating home to live in. And this will ultimately lead to anger. And you may be so dominant in your home that you're not seeing the signs of rebellion in them, but if they can ever get out of it, they're going to run and they're going to run hard. So make sure when you set the expectations, you've trained them I mean, you know, I could tell Aaron to go change the oil, but wouldn't it be nice of me? I might have the expectation that he's going to change the oil, but wouldn't it be kind and considerate of me to go show him how to change the oil? Or should I say, just go figure it out and you better not mess the vehicle up? I mean, you know, that's an absurd example, but I bet every one of you could think back and you've done that to your child. and you get frustrated with your child, and they're not grasping it. So you need to make sure that you spent proper time training them and disciplining them to meet your expectations. Some of this is going to get tied together here in just a moment. Another one, and I'm not going to get into too much detail here, practicing favoritism, certainly would frustrate the non-favorite children. Now what are we talking about here? We're talking about favoritism where you don't put the same discipline on one child as you do on another. Now, children, wake up and pay attention. Favoritism is not because someone has earned a certain level of responsibility that now they get more privileges than you, right? There's just certain things that the younger ones in my home don't get to do that Aaron can do. Alright? And so there may be things that I might let Parker do more at when he gets Aaron's age, depending on how he demonstrates certain aptitudes of responsibility. Okay? So favoritism doesn't have to do with, well, you know, mom lets her do something that I don't get to do. Well, maybe you're irresponsible. Okay? So that's not favoritism. Favoritism is saying, okay, I'm going to give different types of punishment. for the same sins. That will be a very frustrating place to live in. Next, training with worldly methodologies inconsistent from God's Word. Now this is important. If you're teaching God's Word in your home, but then you actually bring some other standard to training and discipline within your home. That can be a very frustrating place to live because there's no consistency there. Remember back in Ephesians 6, look at verse 4. And you fathers do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Now did you notice that little word, but? Two ways are being contrasted here. Raising your child properly in the discipline and instruction of the Lord will not provoke to anger, but practicing unbiblical methods inconsistently will provoke them to wrath. And so you need to understand that man-made psychological approaches that are meant to replace Christ's infinite wisdom will bring about frustration. You need to understand this also. Human wisdom will never produce the fruits of the spirits in the heart of an angry child. So you want to make sure you're not bringing worldly wisdom into your home. Some of you, if you set in homes where you grow up, and I'm talking to you parents, if you grew up in homes where God's Word was not the standard, you may have a lot of baggage to clean out. You may have drug a lot of worldly baggage into your home and really don't realize what you've done there. But human wisdom will only provoke anger, not produce the fruits of the Spirit within the child with an anger heart. So make sure you're studying the Word of God and bringing in godly wisdom with respect to disciplining and training your child. So that's about all the ones I could come up with. I'm sure you guys could probably bring to my attention, and I'm more than happy for you to bring them to my attention if we can add to this and be helpful in other areas of some things I might have missed. But if you're guilty of some, or maybe all of them, I don't know. I don't know what's going on in some of your homes, right? Then here's what I would recommend for you to do. Number one, identify the specific ways you've been provoking your children to wrath. And this is important. This is where you, husband and wife, have got to get together. And like I said, if you have not done this in the course of this study, then you're irresponsible. If you haven't gotten together to talk about these issues, you need to identify the ways you may be provoking your children to wrath and start cleaning those things out of your own home. Number two, confess the sins to God. Everything we've talked about is sinful, and so we first must need to confess these. Also, young children, I hope you've been keeping up with this as we've been going on, because if not, you'll just repeat the same curse in your home. If you don't start paying attention and start understanding what we're talking about here, the idea is that you don't repeat the same mistakes that we as parents have made in our own homes. That's the idea. But you need to confess these to God. Number three, ask your child to forgive you for your sins against them. Why is that important? Well, it teaches them. It lets them see, well, this is how sinners before God deals with their own sins. Have any of you ever asked your child to forgive you? Have they ever seen that? Then they don't know. Do you have a problem with your children when they sin against another sibling that they will not ask for forgiveness? It may very well be that they've never seen you ask them for forgiveness. So you've trained them to be like this. Number four. You have got, if this is what's going on in your home, you've got to develop a plan with your spouse Like I said earlier, when you replace these sinful patterns and behaviors with biblical alternatives, like I said, when you identify these sinful patterns within your own home, when you pull them out, there's going to be a vacuum there. There's going to be a hole. What are you going to fill it with? Well, this is where you're going to have to sit down with your spouse and start developing a plan as you're cleaning house in your own house. The final thing I would encourage you to do is to consider ways, turn over to Hebrews 10, consider ways that you can provoke your children to love and good works. Okay? So it's different if all you're doing is trying to make sure that, you know, that your kids don't cuss, swear, and spit tobacco, right? I mean, if that's all you're training them to do, then you're not really provoking them to love and good works. So if you're only just dealing with the negative aspects, but you're not training them to the positive aspects, then your job's not done. Okay? So in Hebrews 10, we read this. I mean, this is the responsibility of every believer. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works. Well, certainly that works within the local body, but I would say it would actually apply in your home as well with your children. Are you provoking them? Are you training them to love and good works? Now, see, that takes a lot of work, doesn't it? And I think these are areas that we may be being neglectful. Alright, so I hope you found some of that helpful. I hope it stirred you up. I hope it exposed some areas within your home. But this is how we grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. I hope that this did not discourage you, or if anything, if it discouraged you, it discouraged you to stop relying on yourself. and to go back to God's blueprint for how you should be conducting business within your home because he's taught us how. I hope you've at least seen that much. God's word is not silent on this issue. All right, so this evening, I'm gonna move from you parents now about how you can provoke your children to wrath to let's just start doing a little bit more, start fleshing out some things with how we deal with anger in our children. How do we start really positively disciplining them and training them, okay? Turn over to Proverbs 14. In Proverbs 14, look at verse 10. The heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy. And so when we deal with anger, we need to recognize that people, including children, express it typically in one of two ways. This is where J. Adams, he gives an illustration of this. He says, typically when there's anger, there is a problem that leads to anger. And when the problem leads to anger, the person will either do one or two things. Number one, they'll either blow up, which means they're going to vent their anger. Or number two, they're going to clam up. So there's two ways that we typically express our anger. So let's talk about clamming up or internalizing. You see, there are those, and maybe you have this, maybe this describes you. Or maybe it describes one of your kids within your home. There are those who internalize their anger. They may cry or pout or sulk, but they retreat. They don't deal with it, they just retreat. And so what they do is they try to employ a cold shoulder approach with no intent to reconcile. Any of you spouses guilty of that? You'll get your way, and you let the sun go down on your anger, and you just retreat, and you refuse to deal. What's the problem here? There's just no intent to resolve the conflict. You just let the anger, you just seethe in it. And that seething in anger will turn to bitterness if you don't learn how to biblically resolve conflict. And so we see this in adults as well as we see it in children. And so keep in mind, if you see this in your child, then you kind of have to ask, well, where are they getting this behavior from? A lot of times what you'll do is you'll see this in the younger kids within your home, particularly if they're being bullied by an older, stronger one. Because a lot of times they can't, an explosion of their anger really doesn't accomplish much because they can just be overpowered. If you haven't trained your children how to deal with conflict, okay? So the first way that anger is expressed is by internalizing it. And so what ends up happening is there's no reconciliation. That will happen if you don't have any communication with your children. In other words, they just basically give up because what's the use to talk to you? It doesn't accomplish anything. So there's a conflict and it doesn't get resolved because the child clams up. You allow them to walk away. You allow them to sulk. You allow them to retreat. And when you see that, know that anger is getting a grip on them. Another way anger is expressed, turn on Proverbs 29, is those who just explode and vent. Proverbs 29, look at verse 11. A fool vents off his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. And so this kind of person gets loud, calls names, throws things, hits, kicks, they use sarcasm, but they're bent toward, typically they're just bent towards retaliation. Okay? So if you see that, I mean, I don't think I have to, it doesn't take a theologian to realize that person has an anger problem. And so, some of you see it even in your young children, at a young age, and that's the time you really need to deal with it, because it's easier to deal with it when they're young. So when you try to take, you know, if it's time to take something they want away from them, and they start kicking and screaming and showing outward signs of rebellion, you need to deal with that ASAP. Because you know what's worse than that? There's a teenager who acts like that. And then, you know, I've got experience with grown men who act like that because somebody didn't teach them how to deal with their anger when they were young. And so, here's the thing I also want you to understand, that anger is a God-given emotion. I mean, I want to make sure you understand that God has created us to have anger. Now, the question is, why did He give us this emotion? Well, He gave us this emotion to destroy things. Biblically speaking, we should be angry with sin. Biblically speaking, we should be angry with folks who dishonor God. But selfish, uncontrolled outbursts of wrath when we don't get our way is always unacceptable. Jesus was not sinning when he cast those people out of the temple. Now, let me ask you guys this question. If anger is an emotion that is used to destroy things, when we clam up, who or what are we destroying? We destroy ourselves. You just let it eat you up and it just sees. When we explode and vent in uncontrolled range, well then who do we destroy at that point? The other person who's provoked us to this, right? And so in neither case, neither of these cases is the problem really ever addressed or resolved. And so the way we resolve the problem is Number one, you need to understand biblical communication. And so as families, if we ever desire to resolve problems, we need to first learn how to communicate with one another. You're never going to overcome anger until you first learn how to discuss and resolve conflict, and that will start with communication. You need to become proficient at communicating. And so as Christians, let me just say this. If you haven't picked up on it, in the scriptures, all believers should be proficient at communicating. How we share the gospel. How we train. I mean, how do you do these things if you don't communicate? How do we instruct? How do we teach? We have to learn, and we learn through communication. So we have to be, as Christians, we have to learn to communicate. You, as parents, have to learn how to communicate. You, as children, will have to learn how to communicate as well. And so the Bible does touch on the basic principles concerning communication. So, if you're just taking notes, writing down communication, your first bullet point is, number one, when it comes to communication, consider the words. When we come to communicate, you must first learn to consider your words. And I think this is one of the first problems that we have to acknowledge is that we may not be teaching our children how to use and select their words appropriately. Do you spend any time working with your children in this area? And we're going to deal with this in just a moment about how we deal with them, but I would just ask you, think through the course of your day. Do you teach them how to use their words correctly in the right situation? With our words, we can be motivating, we can encourage, we can heal others. But also with our words, we can discourage and we can tear down. But with our words, we need to learn how to resolve problems. And when properly considered, our words, we need to learn how to use our words with very precise meaning. And so with our words, we communicate. I think when we think about teaching with respect to our children, with our words, we need to learn to communicate, for example, the beauty and grandeur of God, our Creator. With our words, we need to learn to communicate accurately the gospel of peace. And with proper use of the Bible, our words can bring healing and ministry to others, to ourselves, and even within our homes. And so with our words, we bring doctrine, we bring correction, we bring reproof, and we bring instruction and righteousness. But if you don't know how to communicate, you can't bring any of this. Can you use your words to communicate doctrine? Are you still sitting here after all this time being in this church, still think that, well, that's the theologians, they do that? No. The Bible is to be used by every one of us to teach doctrine. The Bible is to be used for every one of us to bring about correction, reproof, and then instruction in righteousness. Can you communicate these things to your children? And my point here is that if there's ever a time a Christian ought to consider their words then, and consider them carefully, it would be in those circumstances when they're most likely to get angry. So when a person is angry, he's most likely to sin with his words. And if we haven't trained our children when they're not angry how to use their words, what do you think they're going to do when they get angry? Does it surprise you to see what comes out of their mouths when they're angry if you haven't trained them? And so when a person's angry, he is most likely to sin with his words in that situation. And so we must train our children to learn to choose their words carefully, and they should especially be taught to choose their words when they become angry. Or it may be best that you teach them to learn to get their composure, consider what they're going to say, and then speak. Are you training them to that end? Go to Proverbs 15. Look at verse 28. the heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil." Are you training your child to be righteous in the way they just even study how they're going to use their words? Okay, and I'm going to deal with this more and more, but you've got opportunities every day from the moment they wake up to the time they go to bed, particularly if you've got siblings within the home. Listen to how your children are talking to one another. Or just step back here on Sunday afternoon and listen to how some of them talk. Consider what they're saying. Consider the words they use. Proverbs 16. Have you taught your child, though, to be one who studies and thinks how to answer? Proverbs 16, look at verse 23. The heart of the wise teaches his mouth and adds learning to his lips. I mean, you train your kids to read. You train your kids how to play the piano or do math or whatever else it is you guys do in your school, but have you trained them how to talk, how to communicate, how to use their words, think about what they're going to say and what they say, how that impacts other people? Have you trained them to learn how to be an encourager with their words or have you trained them to be critical? tearing down, right? And some of you are saying, well, you know, we're supposed to be speaking the truth. Well, sure we are. But do you want me to come over there and nitpick every single thing I watch you guys do wrong? Who wants to have a relationship like that? But now, what if I came through there and figured out a way to be precise with my words and think ahead about, you know what? I'm seeing a trend or pattern over there. Maybe I could just speak a word, think about how to speak a proverb in a unique place in an opportune time. And start thinking about your words ahead of time. Then we start thinking about ministering the words. Okay? Maybe you go spend a little time praying about it. Now, you know, again, each situation is different. I mean, if I saw you out there walking the street with, you know, with a drug dealer, you're probably going to get a pretty strong word from me. I'm not going to sit too much to think about what I'm going to say to you, but you get the point. But we need to learn around here how we talk to one another and how we encourage one another with our words. And where you're going to teach your children how to do this is in your home. How do they speak to one another in their homes? All right, so the first thing when it comes to communication, the first issue is teach them how to consider what words they're going to use. Now, some of you may need to spend some time building a vocabulary with your children. But they need to be taught how to use their words. The next issue is, when it comes to communicating, is the tone of voice that they use. So in Proverbs 15 1, you guys are familiar with this, but you need to hang this one on the refrigerator, in the bathroom, wherever your kids might see, wherever they go, they ought to see this, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. In Proverbs 16, 21, we read this, So we need to understand that it's not enough for us to choose our words correctly, but we need to start training our children about how they deliver their words is equally important. And I think most of you parents in here would agree with me that children provoke you by being disrespectful. I think it's one of the easiest ways that children provoke their parents. And typically, it's not the words that they necessarily use that provokes us, but it's how they deliver them. And so disrespect is not only the words that are being used, but the attitudes by which or the tone by which the words are being communicated. So when we think of rage or bitterness or shame, vengeance, fear, I mean, they're often communicated along with anger. So, alright, let's give an example so you can see what I'm talking about here. Matthew asked me, what does justification mean? Ask the question. It means a legal declaration where God declares us righteous. Now was there anything imprecise about my words? Were they true? But do you think I'm going to get a typical... What kind of response do you think I'm going to get out of Matthew? Right. I mean, but sometimes we don't think that you let your kids get away with this. You allow your kids to talk to other people. You allow your kids sometimes to say the right things. Haviland, did you clean up your room today? Yes, Mom. Well, the answer was true, but if she communicates that way, right? And I'm not saying she does, she would never do that. But if she does, do you see the disrespect there? And that will provoke the wrath of a parent faster than anybody, anything. And what's happened is, if this is common within your home, you haven't trained them how to communicate. So it's not just training them the words that they use, but it's also training them on how they deliver and the tone of voice by which they use those words. So I hope you begin to get the picture here. Children, you need to understand the tone of your voice tells us so much about what's going on in your heart. And I've read that how we communicate is way more powerful and impactful a lot of times than what we actually say. How we deliver it is more impactful. So part of our time is going to have to be in how we deal not with just what the child says, but how they deliver their message. Number three, so if you're looking at communication, how do we communicate? We communicate, number one, with the words that we use, number two, the tone of voice that we use, and then number three, what we're going to call nonverbal communication. And so this would include your countenance. This would be facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, posture. So if you ask me a question and I don't look at you when I'm talking to you, what does that communicate to you? I don't care." It's really an arrogant way to treat people. To just not look at them when you're talking to them. It's a sign that you're disinterested. But do your children do that to you? Most of your children, and this is probably the most difficult one because a lot of times your children at times don't recognize that feelings of pride, anger, bitterness, fear, rebellion can be communicated on their face. And so we need to understand that our attitudes, what's going on within our heart, will come out in our countenance. And you see that a lot of times with adults. When an elder has to try to bring something to their attention, you can see it on their face. They're nodding their head and trying to just get you to hurry up and move along, but it's written all over their face that they don't care. And that becomes because no adult dealt with you when you were young. So, how we communicate is by the use of our words. We need to train our children about how to be precise with their words, how they deliver their words, and then how they conduct themselves with their facial expressions. Do they go do something, but then they roll their eyes as they're walking out of the room? They're communicating something to you. And so we're going to talk about this in a moment. What do you do when you see that? And like I said, just understand your children, because they can't see their face when they're doing this. You're going to have to work even harder to help them understand they're doing it. And some of them are so bad, it's become a way, it's just a pattern, it's a habit. They really don't know they're doing it. It's just like blinking their eyes. They don't know they're blinking their eyes, but they're blinking their eyes. Some of them roll their eyes, and it's become a way of habit. Some of them won't even look at you. when you're talking to them because it's a way of habit. And you've allowed it to get to this point. So the idea is for the younger children, you start early to make sure you teach them how to communicate, which includes their words, how they deliver their words, and their body language. And you can train them to do this. Alright, so let's talk about, so we've talked about communication, now I want to talk to you a little bit about discipline, and what discipline really means. Because I think that word is kind of thrown around, and we don't really consider what that word means. So Priolo gives this example to prove the point, and I think it's a good one. Let me ask you kids a question. What's the first rule for teaching a parakeet how to talk? Does anybody know the first rule? Well, you've got to have a larger vocabulary than the barricade, right? Well, what's the first rule, parents, for disciplining your children? You must have more discipline than the child has. See, this is the problem. Many, many parents don't get this. The ability to train to discipline a child effectively is directly related to the self-discipline of the trainer. If you are an undisciplined person in your own home, you will never be able to discipline your children, to train them. If you're loose, lax, you know, unorganized, isn't that like kind of the, what's the word I'm looking for? Isn't it absurd if you're unorganized, but yet you're going to try to discipline your children to become organized? Can you see where you'd be a frustration in that person's life? So, think about what you're trying to discipline your children to, and are you more disciplined than them in these areas? You want your children to study the Word, but you've already relegated, you don't know enough. You can't teach them anything. And a lot of times, husbands, you have got to pick up on this with your wives. If you're going to leave them home to train the children while you go off and If your wives don't know how to train their children in the Word of God, then you have got to step it up, fathers. You've got to be disciplined in this area, and the wife has to be disciplined in this area. Otherwise, you'll never get your children disciplined in this area. Does that make sense? Okay, so we could use examples like this all night long, but I think you get the point. The more disciplined the parent is, then the more likely you'll be able to train your child in these areas of discipline that we're going to talk about. So in your home, you need to consider the degree that you're disciplined in any given area, and it's only to that degree that you should expect your child to be disciplined. If you're not disciplined in a particular area, let's say maybe it's anger. Let's say if you cannot control your anger, you're not going to be of much help to help discipline your child in this area of anger. If you're uncontrolled in your wrath when you get pressed and pressures get pushed on you, then how are you ever going to help your child? If every time they don't get their way, they unleash, where do they learn this from? They learn it from you. So you can't expect them to be disciplined in the area of anger if you haven't disciplined yourself to control your own anger. Turn over to 1 Timothy 4. And I want you to think about how Paul uses this word discipline. 1 Timothy 4, Luke verse 7. Let's see, maybe it's 2 Timothy 4. Oh, here it is, yeah. 1 Timothy 4, look at verse 7. But reject profane and old wise fables, and discipline... Some of your translations may have exercise, but discipline yourselves towards what? Godliness. So what is Paul telling Timothy? He's telling him, you discipline yourself for the purpose, you exercise yourself for the purpose of godliness. And this word discipline in the Greek, here in the New Testament Scriptures, is this word gemadzo, which means to train. And the idea is the idea of a man, let's say for example, who wants to start training with weights to increase his strength. And so the first day at the gym, maybe let's say, you know, he tries to pick up a hundred pounds over his head and he can't get it there. Well, maybe what he'll do is he'll take 50 pounds and maybe he can lift that 10 times over his head. And so he continues to exercise with this weight for each week. And each week, he increases. So the next week, he goes to 60 pounds. And the next week, he goes to 70 pounds. And the week after that, his muscles get stronger and stronger. And he does this consistently for a year. He could be up over 200 pounds through the consistent discipline and training of his muscles. So what was once impossible is now easy because of his training or his discipline. And this is the kind of word Paul uses when he says, you discipline yourself, you exercise yourself towards godliness. And so this is how Paul is going to be using this word. Turn over to Hebrews 5. Hebrews 5 in verse 13. Well, go back to verse 12 so you can get the context. So the writer of Hebrews is chastising these readers. And he's saying in verse 12, For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the first principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, for it is obeyed. But solid food belongs to those who are of full age, that is, those by reason of use, have their senses disciplined, exercised to discern both good and evil. And so in the context of these two verses, these three verses here is a rebuke. So some of the Hebrew Christians had not developed to the point of being teachers as they should have been with respect to the time they had been given to grow in maturity. They just weren't there. And so now they're being rebuked. And so the author is using development language, this idea of going from milk to solid food to contrast the growth and training of children to the growth and training of a Christian. So he assumes that the reader understands the essential universal principle of a child development that our culture has seemed to have forgotten with respect to bringing up our children, and that is this idea of training, disciplining, over and over and over again, training, disciplining within the home. Once again, how do we strengthen our muscles? over and over again, you're going to have to continue to work them, you're going to have to push them in these areas. How do you train your children? You're going to have to keep working over and over again these principles, and you're going to push them. And so the idea here is that we're to train by continual exercising, and the idea here is that training leads to a habit that is produced by continuous past exercise. Now I'm going to pull all this together in just a moment, but you're going to have to follow along with me here. Turn over to Hebrews 12. Hebrews 12, look at verse 7. So notice this teaching is about how we are to handle the chastisement of God. But notice how the writer, how he's exhorting these readers to endure this chastisement, and the motivation to endure is what? That God's chastisement is going to produce something. What will it produce? Righteousness, right? And so, within this context, we see that the writer of Hebrews contrasts between how children are to respond to the chastening of their fathers as well. and how Christians will respond to the chastening of their Heavenly Father. So he brings the two together, and the author assumes that the chastening of the father, the earthly father, will also produce the appropriate behavior. So the question is this. How does all this apply to dealing with the anger of my child? Well, let's think of training. And we talk about disciplining and training. It's not that the rod's not included here, but I want you to think of something else. Let's say, for example, our culture has gotten away from this whole idea of an apprenticeship, right? But you know what an apprenticeship is. In the old days, maybe you would have had a blacksmith training an apprentice. And back ages ago, years ago, This is how tradesmen would train, particularly children, to learn the family trade, but in the days of apprenticeship, it was not uncommon for the apprentice to live with, to be provided for, and to submit to the master craftsman. And so an apprenticeship was a thorough, intense training that lasted for several years. It could even last up to seven years. But basically, it was training by practice and more practice until the apprentice would get the trade right. And so the master craftsman would first explain and then demonstrate the process. So let's take a blacksmith, for example. He would allow the apprentice to observe him going through the entire process. Let's just take something simple. Making a horseshoe. he would show him over and over again about how to take the metal by lighting the forge all the way to shoeing the horse. And after observing the apprentice for many trials and many times, the craftsman would allow the apprentice to help with more and more difficult tasks. And at any time while observing the apprentice, if he made any mistakes, the master craftsman would come in and correct on the spot and require him to do it again and again and again until when? Until he got it right. until it became second nature, until it became natural form. And so the master may have even stood behind the apprentice and gripped his hand to make sure the motion was right, that the metal was held over the fire until the right level of glow of red was produced. And then hand-in-hand, the master craftsman and the apprentice would quickly bring the iron to the anvil, and hand-in-hand, the master would demonstrate to the apprentice just where to hammer the iron, and how hard to strike it. And then he would put it back into the fire, and so this process would go over and over again until the horseshoe was complete. Now after a few exercises of this, typically the master craftsman would stand behind him and let the young man do it himself. And if the apprentice would make a mistake, well, the master might take him by the hand again and start the process over again, might start the training again. This is what I want you to have in mind when we talk about disciplining and training your child. It's this repetitive process over and over again. And so when Paul tells Timothy in 1 Timothy 4-7 to exercise, to discipline yourself in godliness, that's what Paul has in mind. The word he's talking about would be that same word you'd be using if you go to the gym and you're just working those muscles over and over again to get you to, you know, what you're doing today. And let's say you found some level of weight that was impossible for you to lift. If you stay at it within a year, what was impossible is no longer impossible. And Paul did not see that what he was given Timothy was something impossible to do, but rather it's something that he trained himself to do. And so, let's contrast this a little bit, this process with the apprentice. Think about it if the master craftsman had simply explained the procedure one time, and when the apprentice made his first mistake, the master said, you know what? You're wrong and there's no dinner for you tonight. You better improve tomorrow. Now what would you consider that? Harsh, cruel, unmerciful. But this is what we do as parents. We chastise our children without training them. We chastise them, we discipline them without training them and letting them understand what their expectations are. The training process I'm talking about here is the training process where you haven't disciplined the child, you haven't trained the child properly until you've brought him to the point of repentance by requiring him to practice the biblical alternative to the sinful behavior they were demonstrating. This would involve not just asking for forgiveness and not just identifying the sin that they've committed, but also making them respond in a respectful way. as an alternative to the disrespect that they had been giving you. And so, remember, this goes back to... Let's take something simple. Let's talk about... Well, I'll get to that in a moment. Think about it this way. Have any of you ever tried to teach your sons how to tie a tie? A double Windsor knot, for example? Would you just verbally instruct them on how to tie a tie and get mad at them if they can't do it? The only way I know how to teach my boys to tie a tie is to sit down and do it with them over and over again. Ladies, did you just tell your daughters the first time they ever baked a cake? Well, all the ingredients are in the kitchen. Go figure it out. Go read the cookbook. I've tried to read a cookbook. I can't do it without Marie telling me what to do. I don't know what all those words mean. I mean, I got a mess everywhere, and it's probably not even edible. But just understand, You probably had to work with your daughters. If they're now cooking, right, it came through repetition, training them, raising them up. Do you remember, parents, do you remember going through the frustrating process of teaching your child to tie their shoes? Did you just say, well, you just pull the strings up, you cross them, and then you wrap it around your finger and you pull the bow? How many times did you have to work with them to tie their shoe, did they ever got it right? And I bet there was times where you thought, It's just easier for me to tie their shoe. But how did they learn to tie their shoe? Through you taking their hands, doing it over and over and over again until they got it figured out. If we want to see a Christ-like character within our children, then we need to apply those kinds of principles to training our children. This is actually what discipleship training actually means. So the idea here is that we correct wrong behaviors by practicing right behaviors. with the right attitude, for the right reason, until they have the right behavior, until the right behavior really becomes habitual, second nature within them. So let's go through an example. Let's say, Mom, you ask one of your kids to clean up their room. What would be some of the possible responses you might get from a child? Alright, I'll give you some. Go away, I'm busy. So how would you respond to that? Or how about this? Okay, I'll go do it." What if they answer to you like that? How would you respond to that? And then they stomp off. Or they say, okay, with a very sarcastic or irritated tone, like you're inconveniencing them, right? Well, you could respond in anger, but that would only provoke more anger, right? You could walk away with your feelings hurt, but that would teach your child that they can be disrespectful and manipulate you. You could simply just spank them, but that wouldn't train your child on the correct response. And so I think all three of them were wrong. What you should do is require the child to acknowledge the disrespect, ask for forgiveness, and then they rehearse the right answer in the right tone with the right body language until they get it right. And you train them to get it right every time. And then you get the rot out. So, what I'm dealing with you guys tonight, I'm not focusing on the rod tonight, I've dealt with that. You know my position on the rod, so this is not an exclusion to what we've already covered. You've got to bring all this together. You've got to bring all the tools to the warfare, and the heart of a child is a big battlefield. But the idea here, what I want you to focus on and start thinking differently about, we've already gone through the things that you're probably doing to provoke wrath within your home. What I want you to consider is to take this language, this biblical language about training and disciplining, and it's going through the repetitive process of training them to behaviors until it becomes second nature to them. And the child should be able to accomplish all three components of communication. The words they use are important, the tone of their voice is important, and their body language. And the child must be able to accomplish all these three components of communication in order to properly correct his behavior. I'm running out of time. Let me just try to wrap this up real quick. So there's a few, you know, when we think about unacceptable ways of communication, I think we've talked about them. Any form of ungracious speech within your home, if you hear it from child to child, you must intervene, and you're not done training them until they talk correctly to one of their brothers or sisters, or to the parent, with the right tone, with the right body language. And you train them to this end. Okay? Disrespect, name-calling, raising the voice, rolling the eyes. I mean, we could go through this list all night, right? There's a lot of things that are probably going on with your children that you haven't dealt with. How do you deal with it? Well, you take all the other forms of discipline that we've talked about, but this right here is you train that child to the right behavior. until you see the appropriate response. So choosing the right words, well, let's go back to this. There's a lot of ways the child could communicate the right words to you in that situation. If you ask your child to go clean up your room, the simplest thing is, yes ma'am. Children, do you understand yes ma'am will keep you out of a world of hurt, always? Because when you don't say, if you say anything but yes ma'am, not only do you typically get mom, But I know in the Gardner household, Ms. Gardner gets dad involved. So not only have you got Ms. Gardner to deal with, but you've got Mr. Gardner to deal with. And if Ms. Gardner ain't happy, I can't be happy. And so the idea here is choose your words right, yes ma'am, yes sir, go a long way. Some of you are saying, as parents, how do I put words in their mouth? I can't put words in their mouth. you work with them. You let them know what they said was unacceptable and disrespectful, then you ask them, can you think of a more gracious way to respond to me? And you don't let them go until they work it out with you. And you may respond that what they said was inappropriate, you try again. And if it still comes out wrong, that was inappropriate, you try again. They'll learn it. The problem is, most of you probably haven't started this process with your children. Not only do they have to choose the right words, but they have to have the right tone. You need to continue to teach them by precept and by practice that a gentle answer always turns away wrath. Proverbs 15.1, I'm telling you, you better write that one down and hang it everywhere you can. Have them give you the right words, but with the right tone, and you do this until they get it right. Teach them about speaking graciously. Next, choosing the appropriate forms of non-verbal communication. Just like the other two categories, the child must practice proper body language. And keep in mind, several attempts are probably going to be required in this if you haven't been doing this. So, as you're doing this, you gotta watch their words, you gotta watch their tone, but you watch their body language and make sure they respond with, you know, something... I mean, if they don't get this right, you might respond with things like, I'm pleased with your words you've chosen, but the manner you express them are unacceptable still. So, wipe that scowl off your face, and let's try it again. Have a more pleasant look on your face when you talk to me. How about this one? Very good, son. What you said was right now, this time you're going to sit up, you're going to sit up in your chair straight, you're going to unfold your arms and you're going to look me in the eye and you're going to say it again. That'd be acceptable, wouldn't it? Now notice, I'm not exploding on them, but I'm very purposeful with my words, I'm not rolling my eyes at them, I'm not not looking at them, I'm not folding my arms like, try it again. No, you communicate to them the acceptable forms of communication. If you don't have yourself under control, this is going to be a mockery in your home. So you must first learn self-control. Remember the principle? How do you teach a parakeet to talk? You've got to have a vocabulary bigger than them. If you want to discipline your children, you must first be more disciplined than them. How about this one? What you said was right, but you still suffer from that little poochy lip disease. How about you try it again with a more cheerful counsel? You know, the kids ain't gonna go mad, purse their lips, right? How about this one? Uncross your legs, turn your body towards me, you unfurl those eyebrows, and you say it again without gritting your teeth. How about this one? What you said was good, but now this time say it without rolling your eyes. I didn't roll my eyes. No, I sat there and watched you. You did roll your eyes. You're gonna do it again. Because what's happened is the bad body language, the unbiblical body language has now become second nature. They don't even realize they're doing some of this. You've let them get away with it. So the idea is that you train them. How do you do it? You do it until they get it right. Some of you are now sitting there saying, I don't have time to do this. Some of you are thinking, if I did this every time my child mouthed off at me or rolled their eyes, I would be tied up for a week. Well, that might be true for some of y'all. But at first, you are going to have to invest some time. You're going to have to invest some effort. You're going to have to invest some thought into the training of your children, especially if you've been negligent in these areas and you've let your children get away with this. But remember, bringing up your child in the training and in the instruction of the Lord is one of the most monumental and sacred tasks you'll ever do. So you are charged by God to employ all the biblical resources that He's given you to discipline your children and disciple them to look like Christ. Do you think Christ, sitting there in the garden, sweating drops of blood, rolled His eyes at the Father? This is who we're to mimic. He's our example. We're to be like Him. We're to be obedient to our parents. You're to be obedient, children, to your parents, just as Christ was obedient to His Father. Some of you children are thinking, but you don't know my parents, you don't know how sinful they are. Did Christ honor His sinful parents? There's no excuse. There's no excuse. Go back over to 1 Timothy 4. 1 Timothy 4, look at verse, well, go back to verse 7. But reject profane and old wise fables and discipline yourself, Timothy, towards what? Towards godliness. And then he tells you this in verse 8. For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having a promise of the life that is now and that which is to come. to the degree that you're investing time to produce godly character within your children, you're not only laying up yourself treasures in heaven, but when you think about it, what else are you doing? I mean, think about this. You are investing in their lives now to prepare them for this life to be used by Christ within His kingdom. but you've also prepared them for something even greater. You've prepared them for eternity, right? For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and that which is to come. And so when you say, well, if I spend all my time doing what you're saying, all I can tell you is, if you'll start it off, it will be a huge investment of time in the beginning. But the dividends are huge. the payoff is huge. Because once you get this straightened out, and this becomes second nature to them, now you and them are working on other areas. Now you're out there, you can do some kingdom work, but you can't do kingdom work if you still have a rebellious, pouty, arrogant little kid. And it gets worse as they become teenagers, and this hasn't been dealt with. So, we're going to stop here, but Does this make sense? Is this helpful for you to understand? How do you start dealing with some of these behaviors you might have been letting go within your home? But you can train them to this end. but you're going to have to be purposeful with it. So you're probably going to have spouses, you know, husband and wife, you're going to have to sit down and look at each child and say, okay, what are we dealing with? What issues of the heart are going on? And what areas have we let, you know, kind of go away and we've let this go on too long and we need to address this and we need to start training them in righteousness. So does the word discipline and training now have a new meaning for you? It's repetitive until they get it right to become second nature. To what used to be impossible is now possible. That's what training and discipline is, okay? So we'll stop here, and Lord willing, we'll pick it up next week.