And welcome to Generations. My name is Kevin Swanson. I'm Executive Director for Christian Home Educators out here in Colorado. But the reason I broadcast from this studio out here in Elkwood County, Colorado, I'm a father of five. Son Daniel in studio with me today. And I also have four daughters. And today we want to talk about fathers and daughters. Now there's nothing more humbling than having children and being challenged every day with the balance of fathering my children, the balance of authority and affection, the balance of humility and correction, quality and quantity time to disciple and nurture my little girls into beautiful women of God. Now this is a challenge, my friends. measure challenge and do you know how easy it is for the hearts of fathers to be severed from the daughters and daughters from their fathers it happens just like that it usually happens when the daughter is 11 12 13 years of age sometimes 15 to 18 sometimes sometimes six seven eight years of age those daughters their hearts are severed from their fathers We have so many dysfunctional father-daughter relationships out there. And if you have a dysfunctional father-daughter relationship, you know that's going to lead to a dysfunctional marriage and dysfunctional parenting. And the problem just perpetuates itself from generation to generation. And it just doesn't get any better. It seems to get worse from generation to generation to generation. And it starts with dysfunctional father-daughter relationships. Think about all those daughters that learn the habit of manipulating their fathers. so that they can be the manipulating control freaks when they're adults. Or all those fathers that ignore their daughters. Or all those daughters who aren't nurtured by their fathers but carefully nurtured by the social programmers of Hollywood and Nashville music into that life of fornication and independence or the self-centered narcissistic existentialism promoted by the modern social programmers of the day. Think about all those fathers that don't know how to provide that much needed honor and affection that their daughters need. And all those fathers that will let their daughters go out with the first loser that comes to the door with a bone in his nose, speaking in monosyllabic grunts, wants to wants to have a relationship with his daughter. Ladies and gentlemen. The Bible presents a different vision. A vision of polished cornerstones in the palace of a king. And in a moment, we're going to talk about fathers and daughters raising polished cornerstones. That's the book from David Barrett and Elise Barrett, his daughter. It's a father-daughter team, next on Generations, talking about fathers and daughters. Be back in a moment. This is Kevin Swanson. With literacy rates falling and American schools approaching third world nation status in math and science, parents everywhere are concerned and they're getting involved. That's why tens of thousands of families across the state of Colorado have turned to home education. For over 20 years, Christian Home Educators of Colorado has hosted an annual conference designed to encourage and inspire families anywhere along the path from beginners to veteran homeschoolers. Throughout the year, they offer special introductory seminars, retreats, graduations, a news magazine, and a satellite school to aid in the required record keeping. CHECK also offers a bookstore complete with the best resources, tapes, and curriculum, all of which has been carefully chosen to equip and supplement your homeschool program. To learn more about CHECK, visit their website at chec.org. Also, be sure to check out their bookstore on the south side of Denver on Parker Road And back on Generations, my friends, this is Kevin Swanson today talking about fathers and daughters, an incredibly relevant topic for me, raising four beautiful women of God, now ages 15, 13, 11, and 8. And so we're right in the middle of it, and with me to help me make it on this journey are David Barrett and Elise Barrett. They are authors of the new book of Fathers and Daughters, Raising Polished Cornerstones, David and Elisa, welcome to Generations. Thank you for having us on the program. It's an honor. Thank you very much. David, you are a homeschool father of seven. Is it three daughters and four sons, or was it the other way around? It's three daughters and four sons. You have written this book with your daughter, Elisa. Why did you write the book? Elisa is my oldest daughter. And so she was the one that kind of broke the ground for us. And the book just came out of, I would say, just two things. Our relationship and the fact that from very early in my life God just put a very strong burden upon my life to reach out to families and to minister to families. And as our family grew and I... I've tried my best, with God's help, to apply biblical principles to training my children and to develop my relationship with Elise. As she got into her later teen years, approaching 20, we just both were inspired, kind of independently, and came together with the interest of, in a sense, putting the picture of our life as we see God has guided us out there to try to help other families. David, you know a lot of fathers out there, when you tell them, we're talking about a relationship with your daughter here, I think they're saying, a relationship with my daughter? You've got to be kidding me. You mean God wants me to have a relationship with my daughter. What do you say to them? Well, I think they need to realize that God does want them to have a relationship with their daughter, not just their son. Sometimes fathers might feel more comfortable with that relationship. But there is a special position that God has called fathers to be in, in their relationship with their daughters as they grow, in terms of protecting them, in terms of teaching them what they should see in a man, how they should be expected to be treated, and many things along those lines. Now Elyse, you are in your early twenties, is that right? Yes, sir. And you're still at home with your family. I get the sense you appreciate being with your family. Absolutely. How is that? Yeah, I love being with my family. It's an honor to work with them, not only as a family, but also in ministry together. In fact, one of the key things that Dad has emphasized in our relationship and something that the Lord has really developed in my heart is just to embrace my family's vision. I think that is such a key part of maintaining the father-daughter relationship. When you are a young girl, it is a lot easier for sometimes the relationship between father and daughter to develop. You can tag along with Daddy and be Daddy's little girl. But as you grow older, There's a lot more intentionality that needs to take place on both the father and the daughter side of the relationship. And one of the keys to that, as your father is the leader and the head of the home, is really embracing your family's vision and embracing your place as a corner pillar in the family. I think that verse on 144.12 was kind of the foundational verse for this whole concept of fathers and daughters raising polished cornerstones, as the scripture puts forth the standard of raising daughters to be cornerstones or corner pillars polished after the similitude of the palace. And that verse is just so packed with so much, and part of that, a real key to that, is really embracing your family's vision and walking with your family, even as you become This ties into your basic purpose for life, doesn't it? In that, if your purpose for life is just measured by the number of bucks you're going to get when you're 28 years old working for X corporation, then you've got a rather narrow vision. When you talk about a vision, a vision for life and a vision for the family, you're talking about something broader than an economic position in a corporation. Absolutely. When we talk about a family vision, we're talking about our place as a family in God's purposes in the earth. Seeing that God started with the family, when you go back into Genesis with Adam and Eve, He has made the family the first church, He has made the family the first school, and He has made the family the first place of learning to build relationships and to submit to authorities and learn how to work as a team. So we see the family that God presents through the scriptures, that the family is a vital key to actually advancing this kingdom in the earth. David, what is your vision for Elise and for your daughters? Well, my number one vision for Elise and Liberty and Mercy, my two other daughters, is that they truly grow into a position of biblical womanhood. And by that what I mean is that they come to understand what God has ordained and purposed women to be in the earth. Now I truly believe that that should, whether God ends up calling them to singleness or not, it should be an embracing of a family concept and of a love for children. Those are two very vital things that should be a part of a woman's life. I believe that every woman should be prepared to enter into marriage. Of course, God will ordain the ultimate outcome of that. But God has ordained women to special purposes and roles. These can be fulfilled in different ways, and they actually carry that same character qualities into whatever area of life they go into, whether it be they end up living a single life for a time or for the rest of their life. or they enter into marriage, they are going to carry out those certain biblical qualities. Now you talk about raising polished cornerstones. In fact, that's on the cover of the book. Describe that. What is the vision set by the biblical picture of a polished cornerstone? Well, that comes from, as Elise mentioned, from Psalm 144, verse 12. And in the context of that, David is actually very frustrated with the young people of his culture. He says, oh, if our daughters could be as polished cornerstones when he addresses them, you know, polished after the similitude of a palace. What we view this as, and literally as a corner pillar, we understand what that means is the corner pillar sits upon the cornerstone of the structure. And in our life, that's Jesus Christ. And so the foundational aspect of a polished cornerstone, or a corner pillar, is that they are established upon Jesus Christ and His Word, and that is the rock upon which their life rests. viewing the concept of a polished corner pillar, it means that as they grow in my family, I have the duty to fashion them to fulfill God's purposes as a young woman, to walk into that biblical womanhood. They catch the vision of Genesis 1, that through a family they'd be fruitful and multiply. vision of the various other places in Scripture that speak about the nature of a woman and her relationship to her husband and her love for the family and for the children. You know, David, as we talk about the vision that God has for our daughters, I think sometimes we've got two traps that we may fall into. On the left side of this, there's this idea that our daughters will be these wimpy little doormats that never really do anything, really have no convictions, and really have no vision themselves for the kingdom. And then on the other hand, there's the rebellious, control freak, fema-nazi image that you get from the culture around us. The Bible strikes a balance there, doesn't it? It definitely does, and I think Elise can comment on this. She addresses in the book the fact that we're not, both things you just mentioned, young women are not called to be brainless, submissive in the sense of thoughtless individuals. and neither are they to grasp after that worldly concept of the feminazis, the term that you used. Maybe Elise wants to comment on some of that. Elise, what does that look like, the cornerstone that signifies a strength and a stability? Yeah, I think it's very important. I think a lot of times, especially young ladies, can get confused with all the pagan feminism that is so much permeating our culture around us And what's the difference between that and biblical femininity? And you're right, sometimes, many times, biblical femininity seems to be perceived as creating these soft, dependent, indecisive women. And that's truly not God's design for us. And neither is it, on the other hand, creating headstrong, independent women who don't acknowledge the headship and authority structures that God has placed in our life. I think the most concise way I can I can describe biblical femininity as raising up daughters who embrace their uniqueness as a woman, rejoice in their dependency on God, and accept freedom in His unique call on their lives, all the while desiring and fulfilling the special roles that God has placed in their life, whether that's obviously daughter, wife, mother, grandmother. And so, another point that goes hand-in-hand with this is the strength and the real power behind true Godly submission to the authority that God has placed in your life, whether you're a daughter living at home under the authority of your father, and just the power and the strength in that, and also the comfort in that as you follow his leading as he follows Christ, or as you grow into the role of wife and mother. I would just mention that as a young woman growing up in a family such as what we're talking about here, like Elise in our family, That doesn't mean that a young woman is not available for actual individual impacting of the culture. If an individual were to read through our book, there are some examples in there of Elise stepping out under my permission, sometimes direct covering with me being with her, sometimes as she grew older out on her own, doing some things that sometimes don't get tied into what we view as a biblical woman, but I do, going down to the statehouse and addressing our legislatures at an open committee meeting, standing on the Capitol steps and speaking for the unborn, or being present when the city is trying to remove the Ten Commandments out of our city park. We make ourselves available as individuals. We make ourselves available as a family in these types of things. I'm not saying everybody has to be involved in a social-political thing. I'm using that as an example to illustrate that we're not talking about a wimpy woman when we talk about biblical womanhood. We're talking about an individual completely committed to the truths of God's word and able to stand for them in the culture and still be a beautiful woman when she does. David, let's go back to the father-daughter relationship because this is where it all begins. How do you gain the heart of your daughter? You talk about gaining the heart. How did you do that? Right. It is critical that as a father you win the heart of your daughter. As time goes on, if that is not accomplished when they are young, it can be much more difficult when they are older. But if we are speaking to individuals out there that have You know, young teenage, older teenage daughters, do not lose heart, that you can win their heart. But it definitely requires a commitment on the part of the father that he invests himself in his children's lives. And we can't fall victim to the idea that quality time can replace quantity time. It requires both a quality and a quantity time in your children's lives. So I would purposely make time for my children. First of all, we do have family devotional time together on a regular basis. We just share our lives with one another at those times. We take specific prayer requests. We listen to our children's needs at those times, and we often will sing together as a family. These build relationships. I go into my daughter's room and sit down on the bed and just start talking with her. I'm not entering that room because I have an issue to deal with her. I want her to want to be able to talk to me, making time to go out together so they know that I'm invested in their life and I want to hear what's in their heart. That relationship will grow and grow out of that. It's a trust relationship like with anybody else in your life. You also talk about the importance of praying for your daughters. This is a very practical and important application because this is when we pour out our heart to God concerning our sweet daughters. What do you pray for David? Let's get down to the heart of this. What do you pray for? I pray that my daughters will grow in their love of God. I pray that I will be the type of man that I need to be in their life. You know, I need to demonstrate a man of integrity to them that they then learn to desire that and only that in their life. And I pray for their future in terms of potential marriage. That God would be equipping and preparing them for that. That I would be seeing what needs to be, you know, those rough edges that need to be kind of smoothed over so that the corner pillar really shines in their personal character and spiritual beauty. and that who God has for them would be an individual that would be being equipped and trained right now to lead my daughter. Those are many of the things that I pray for. Elise, I'm going to read a section from what you wrote in the book, Fathers and Daughters. It's about Melissa. Melissa is not talking to her father or really any of her family. She's shutting everyone out of her life. Melissa is suffering from the consequences of a broken relationship with her family and particularly her father. How did that happen? How did rifts develop between fathers and daughters? That's a great, great question and I think the obvious answer is because of sin. Man fell into sin and because of that we are more selfish and we don't know how to give of ourselves to others and truly walk out a quality relationship amongst our family and especially the father-daughter relationship. But I do believe that the father-daughter relationship specifically has taken a hard hit. I believe just looking at it from a biblical perspective and looking at it generationally, If the protection and the authority and the relationship between father and daughter is broken down and removed, then one generation will not carry the vision to the next generation. And one thing as young ladies is we are many times the vision bearers. We're the cheerleaders, if you will, for our fathers and our husbands and the men that God has specifically placed in our life. And if you don't have faith and can break down that relationship, even at a young age, so that the daughter does not catch that vision and understand what it truly means to be a godly family and to embrace God's calling on families as they advance the kingdom of Christ in the earth, then you're not going to have that vision carried from generation to generation. David, what do you think are the heart blocks that sometimes arise in the heart of a father? the things that kind of block his heart in this relationship? Well, I think uncertainty. I think as daughters get older and they start moving into teen years and becoming young women, kind of being uncertain about whether they can really or how they should fulfill their role as a father. But I also think because relationships require risk on the part of individuals, risk on the part of the father. It's easier to begin engrossing yourself in your work and in those things that you can more easily possibly feel accomplished in. But we cannot sacrifice our relationships at home over those kinds of things. We need to be willing to take the risk that as we begin reaching out to our children and our daughters that, yes, there's going to be misunderstandings. There's going to be the need to work through relationship-building issues that are possibly there because of some breach in that relationship that has occurred earlier. So I think just the ease to go into something like your work or your hobby. and that draws you away from the family, that blocks the father's heart and the risk that it's going to take to invest yourself back into your family. Powerful words. Thank you David. I appreciate that. Thank you Elise. I want to recommend your book, Fathers and Daughters Raising Polished Cornerstones. Folks, you can get this book by calling our Resource Center in Parker, Colorado, 877-842-2432. Again, that's 877-842-2432. Or just check.org, chec.org on the web for this very, very important resource, Fathers and Daughters, by David Barrett and Elyse Barrett. Thank you so much for joining us today on Generations. Well, thank you very much. It's been a real pleasure. And folks, the vision for this program is to bring truth and relationships back to a lost and lonely world. We want to recover a biblical worldview and a biblical concept of relationships, family relationships at all levels. in this postmodern world that is so lost and lonely. This is the vision for the program. If you like the vision for this program, please consider being one of the sponsors for our program. We're seeking 120 courageous sponsors for the Generations radio broadcast. We're up to 20 sponsors right now and would love to have you join us as one of the sponsors again. Just $10 a month, $20 a month, $50 a month, whatever you can handle per month, we would invite you to sponsor this program by calling 877- 842-2432. Again, that's toll free 877-842-2432 to be a sponsor on the Generations radio broadcast. And Generations is a 501c3 ministry. Ladies and gentlemen, you can interact with the program by emailing me at host at kevinswanson.com and you can hear the program anytime, anywhere in the world at kevinswanson.com. This is Kevin Swanson inviting you back again next time as we cast a vision for the next generation.