Okay, what did I not do yesterday? Wear shoes. Thanks for reminding me so I can take them off again. Ah, it feels better. That's right, I didn't wear shoes. What I did not do was define a word. What word did I not define? That's right, I did not define forgiveness. So what were we talking about? Because what I had in my mind as forgiveness may not be, God knows what you had in your mind, for a lot of us that's probably the only one who knows what's in our mind. So how do we define forgiveness? And just to let you know to start off with that, that is an immaterial question. But that is our starting point because what's really important is what God has in His mind when He defines forgiveness. So, let me ask you, how do you define forgiveness? Exactly. Forgiveness is also not forgetting. Oh, you were listening. I don't learn brownie points with me. I don't know what it'll do for her, but I like it. It's not holding an offense against someone. Not holding an offense? Yeah, yeah. This is great. It's a good point, forgiveness and not forgetfulness, because sometimes when you forgive people, you haven't forgotten what was done. You're not supposed to. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that in those situations, and then if you see a behavior that's going on somewhere else, you bring it up, and all that's forgiven. But the behavior can't continue to go on. You're not in my class, are you? You would never have started a sentence like that. We never start a sentence with I think and I believe. Were you here yesterday? Did I talk on that? Now, what have I not heard? Bible. How is it defined in the Bible? That's what I've not heard. That is one of the fundamental problems in Christianity today, is we operate off of I think and I believe. We call ourselves people of the book, but are we people of the book? Oh, now I have a little adjustment up here. Or I can do that if I need to. Okay, so let's see what the Bible has to say. And notice it's highlighted there. Where is that? Let's see. Yeah, it's not up there. Colossians chapter 3. This will be in verse 13. But what I'm most interested in is that funny looking word there. One of my dedicated goals here is to get you to look behind the English. Anyone can do it. Gets up a little strong, a little crude, crudence, whatever. So the word here is carissa mai. And cari is grace. Para is joy, you can't have joy without grace. This is actually a verb, it's a special verb so it looks a little different than the most verbs, and what it actually means is you are a switch for grace. When the switch is on, Grace flows through you, you are forgiving. When you are not forgiving, what position do you think that switch is in? Off. It's in the off position. Is grace flowing through you? No. Is grace flowing to you? No. It's not, because you have not, you are not forgiving. You have damned the stream, and so as we're going to discover, if you damn the stream, God's going to help you. He's going to help you damn that stream a bit, upstream from you. So, charizomai, let's say it, charizomai. That's very good, it is. Charisma is based off of that word also. So we're really talking about unforgiveness. How many times is the word unforgiveness in the New Testament? It's not, it's not there. That word isn't in the New Testament. And I had to check it again this morning just to make sure because it's some of you that actually are following and running up afterwards and I like that. Okay, does this look familiar to anybody in a relationship? Wow. Anybody here guilty of saying any of those things other than me? Yeah. It's not my fault, it's your fault, it's always your fault, you never grow up. It's like Peter Pan. And that's the problem in our relationships. Yesterday we talked about forgiveness, we talked about how wonderful that is, but let's talk about the reality of most relationships. Where do we usually camp out at? We're camping out over here. The ideal is what we talked about yesterday. That's what we need to grow into. But where are we usually camped out at? Because when we look into each other's eyes, what did we learn? We need to say, I am a. Very good. I am here to dominate you, yes thank you. That's the reality of our lives and what happens when you have two people in a relationship trying to dominate each other? You got this. And then we touched on a little bit about the failed methods of conflict resolution because the only method that ends conflict is forgiveness. But unfortunately, this is the land most of us live in, the land of unforgiveness. The refusal to forgive others for any reason is sinful. It's unbiblical. It's a form of control. In fact, it's our most common form of control. I'm not going to forgive you. I'm going to make you live in guilt. Now, you have a problem if they're not living in guilt, but you know, and it's actually against Christ. So when you're not forgiving, you can look in that mirror And what's the A word? Antichristos. Antichrist. Anybody could be an antichrist. It's not just the one who will come. He is just the magnumus opus of all Antichrists, but 1st John says there are many Antichrists that have come into the world, and any time that we act contrary to what Christ commanded us to teach, we are walking against Christ. And it usually results in a variety of problems, for which then we run to the world for solutions. that don't work. You know what it actually does? You know why we do not forgive? Because we're weak, and we want to appear strong. Isn't that not what we're taught? If your strength fails in the day of adversity, you are weak. That's a verse out of the Old Testament, right? But we take these verses, we rip them out of context, and we try to make them say something they don't say. so that we can be strong in Jesus. Onward, Christian soldiers. That's a Civil War song, not a Bible song. It accentuates our weakness, though. So when we get hard-hearted and we get unforgiving, what we're really doing is transmitting to everyone how weak we are. Or we think we're being strong, but you're transmitting how weak you actually are to those who know how to sing. So the unforgiving person moves toward others who are equally unforgiving. Now why would they do that? And that would be Romans 1 verses 28 down the way to Romans chapter 2 verse 3. Now we touched on this a little bit yesterday. Romans 1 is, this section here is really the summary that starts off in Romans 1 verse 18 which says, basically, they who knew God had knowledge of God, rejected God. And we see this cycle occurring over and over again. So they rejected God, and God gave them up to false worship, and they continued to reject God, and God gave them up to false sensual passions, and they continued to reject God, and they ended up misusing their own bodies, which is really the only possession you have. I can take anything, everything away from you and not touch you. But the moment I start touching your body, that is the only possession you have. And if I take your body, you're dead. And thus I have nothing. And people will do almost anything to protect their body. Because it is the only true possession you have. And in this, we see a variety of sins that result from it. Murder, bitterness, envying. Any kids in here disobedient to parents? That was never me, just so you know. I was a model young man. That's why my dad had to beat me a lot. Not yet. But what this does is, as we cycle through this, we look for those who understand us. What we're really looking for is confirmation that we're right. And we find those people that have the same exact problem we do, and we flock together. And you know what that does? That destroys you. And so you all work networking together. You like that term? That's a modern term. For self-destruction. And then because somebody else outside your group is walking in the scripture, you must attack them. Because they walking in the scripture, it stands in stark contrast to what you're doing. We're really talking about spiritual health, the wounding of the spirit. We spend a lot of time thinking about standing for the faith and standing up to physical torture. physical problems. And people around the world certainly, more people have given up their lives in the cause of Christ in the 20th century than probably in the previous 19 centuries or so people have documented. And I don't mean just people who call themselves Christians, but I mean people who are Christians. But that is not really the torture that goes on today. The real torture is the torture of the spirit. Once again, once I take your body away from you, I've lost if I'm Satan and you're saved because now you're with Christ. you're of no longer of any use to me. But if I keep you here, and I have tormented your spirit, and I have trapped you in a lie, others can see you and be led astray by you." So this is really the serious warfare. And we're all involved in it, whether you know it or not. We're all victims of it. And we all could be victors over it. Because unforgiveness, why do I not want to forgive? Because I want to be strong. And when I want to be strong, we think in terms of warfare. And we really have since in America of the 1920s. We started couching our social terms in terms of warfare. And now we've all become accustomed to it. Everything is a war. Everything is a conflict. And now, as a country, we've locked ourselves into a continual warfare that has no stated goal, no stated endpoint. And as individuals, we're constantly seeing ourselves in a state of war. So we have to be strong. We have to be, so I have to be unforgiving. But that crushes the other person. How do I maintain a relationship if I do not forgive? She's crushed. Think about your deepest hurts. I don't want to know them, I don't want to carry the burden. You think about them. Take a moment. What Why did you carry it for so long? Unforgiveness. It's still unforgiveness. Because it's weakness. So it gives us a false sense of security, because if I'm unforgiving, and I'm strong, and I've outlasted her in an argument, and I can argue for hours, I appear as strength. But it doesn't address the real issues. They just get covered up, and it sets up a cycle for escalation over and over and over again. And then we justify it. We bring in other factors to say, well, I can't do that, or I can't. There are times when I know that I have been wrong, and I should ask her for forgiveness. Why do I not? That, and that is the result of the honeymooners, I love Lucy, and the 20th century culture that we talked about yesterday. Do we need to go back to that very first slide again? Because I can tell you, I work in a feminine profession, and I don't see them rushing to ask forgiveness from each other either. Just so you know. I get to stand there and I get to watch. A lot of times I just want to bring the popcorn and watch the fights. But it also ruins the spirit of the others in the relationship. In other words, there is no winners. There is only the cycling. And then it becomes family dynamics. And then it becomes ingrained in culture. And then it becomes enshrined as this is normal behavior. So you have the terrible twos, you have the rebellious tens, you have the rebellious teens, you have the rebellious, oh my gosh we're all in rebellion. That's the common, in other words we have made it part of our culture. And before the 20th century it was not part of anybody's culture. So rather than share each other's spiritual strength through this idea of forgiveness, we withhold it. Not only do we trap ourselves, but we trap the other person. And we only obtain peace by, what's that A word up there? I heard somebody mumble, louder. Biology. And apology, as we know from yesterday, is, is that forgiveness? No, that's not forgiveness. That's saying, I'm sorry, don't hurt me. That's saying, I'm tired of the fight, let's postpone it for another day. That's saying, anything but forgiveness. Thus we are tortured. There are more books in all the bookstores, not just the Christian bookstores, about how to deal with the tortured spirit, because everyone feels tortured. I had bad parents. You had bad parents. I had bad relationships. Everybody has bad relationships. I had terrible things happen to me as a youth. You know, when I talk to people, everybody has terrible things happen to them as a youth. Maybe not the same experiences. But when we do not forgive. Then we end up in this continual heartfelt sorrow, brokenhearted, and it cycles and we feed on it. And it's a heaviness that goes everywhere. It affects everything in our lives. You know, for the longest time, I'd only listen to melancholy music because that fed my wounded spirit. You play me a song in a major key, that's too happy. I can't deal with that because the only happy people are stupid people. Brainless, mindless people. You play it in a minor key, that's smart people because we know about the sorrows and conflicts of life and we know how to deal with it. Drugs, alcohol, sex, whining, drugs, pills, whatever. And all of one day's, guess what? When you're trapped in this unforgiveness, all of your days are hopeless. You see no end. You get up in the morning, and there she is. She opens the door in the evening, and there you are. You're going on a date, and oh, here we go again. You go to work and, oh God, it's the same crew as yesterday. I can't deal with this. Because it's all about relationships. And they all revolve around conflict. Because that's what lost people do. That's all they know how to do. This, you end up with, let's see, what are some of the fruits of the spirit? Anger. What's another one? Works of the flesh, excuse me. Works of the flesh. Thank you. Works of the flesh. You are listening. Bitterness. Anger. Gossiping. Malice. What's another? What's the B word? Backbiting. Yeah! All the good stuff. All the stuff that's enshrined in most comedy shows. So the true torture is, it ends up with this anger. So you end up with a man who is without self-control, who is dangerous, who is unpredictable. Because you never know when they're going to go off. And you also end up with a woman who is quarrelsome, who is unpredictable. And from my experiences in the ER, it can also hurt you. Because remember, the great equalizer is out there for everybody. Hammer, knife, club. The victory is a scorched earth policy. That's what we really end up in our relationships. Both parties not forgiving each other. Both parties harboring the resentment and the bitterness for the next time. The wounded spirits that grow and develop. And the results end up the destruction of the relationship, not just the marriage but all relationships. And it's an equal opportunity sin, everyone can do it. But you know it also tortures the one who does not forgive. Are you strong? Not really because God's not answering your prayer. Now God has to stop and deal with you. You're praying, God fix my partner, because here's the list. I got a list for you, I'm helping you. And here's what the list is. See, that's the longest part of our prayer time. God, thank you for everything you've done for me. It took five seconds. Okay, give me, that might take five or 10 minutes. When we get to the faults of others, bring lunch, you'll be there a while. Because that's what we remember. Occasionally we might say, yeah, I think I did that one too once. But when you don't give forgiveness, you can't get forgiveness. Remember the steward? who's master, who the master called him in and said you owe me and today's funds millions of dollars I'm going to forgive you of that debt and he goes out and he gets his buddy who owes him like two bucks and throws him into debtors prison because he can't forgive and what happened to him he ended up in the same institution Unforgiveness begets unforgiveness. And of course, according to 1 Peter 3, God will not hear your prayers. So what does this actually do to us? We enter into a pit. We actively leave the light of God. And we climb down into the darkness of sin itself. I've looked over that edge since I've been saved to remind myself of where I once lived. And this is exponentially magnified when both of you do it. Husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, employer, employee. Now we can't control the lost. We can't control each other. And the truth be known, we can't even control ourselves. That's the lie of the modern world. Control yourself, but you can't. If you could control yourself, you wouldn't need Christ. So why does this occur? Because we become hard-hearted, unforgiving. What we actually do is we take the place of God. This is what we actually do when we don't forgive. We take God's place. Now these verses here tell us that God is the one who is to punish wrongdoing. Vengeance is mine, I will repay. God's a little slow sometimes. God's busy elsewhere. He's got to keep the rings of Saturn spinning. You know, there's some asteroids out there zooming around. They need extra special attention. So I'm here to help God. I'm God's little helper. Santa has helpers. God has helpers. I can't say much for elves, but are we all God's little helpers? You guys aren't lying, are you? I'll have to add that on my prayer list. This places you directly under God's wrath because you have now tried to displace God. You are now God and you are the one who is going to extract the punishment or execute the judgment. And you know why? God has said that the sacrifice of Christ on the cross is all that is required to answer for sin. That's what the Reformation was about. Only the cross, only the grace, only by faith. Adding anything else in there is dead works. When we don't forgive, what are we actually doing? We're saying it requires something else. You've got to do something else for me, so I will forgive you. You want the sacrifice to be to you. But there is no other sacrifice for sins. None. In the book of Hebrews, the writer there is attempting and doing a very good job of explaining the Old Testament in light of the New Covenant for the Jews that were struggling to understand how several thousand years of history could result in the Messiah that they missed. and for those that will come down the pipe, but also for us to explain to us the relevance of the Old Testament. And he says here that they were looking for something else. There is nothing else beyond the cross. If that is not enough, there is no salvation. There is no forgiveness, there can't be, because God the Father has said that the cross of Christ was sufficient for him. And how do we know that? Resurrection. If the cross had not been sufficient, Christ would not have been resurrected. Thus we know beyond any shadow of a doubt, that it was sufficient. So why is it not sufficient for us? Well, let's see, people got to ask for forgiveness first. I can't give it unless they ask. But that's not in the Bible either. Remember the story of Joseph and his brothers, you know, how nice they were to him and helped him out and sent him on a road trip? We're going to cover that in Genesis 2 this fall. Now they sent him on this road trip so he could find fame and fortune, after a fashion. But when Joseph encountered his brothers he had power over them, power over everybody. What did Joseph do? He forgave them. Did they ask? No, they didn't even recognize him. That is our example. There are many people I can't find to ask them. I can still forgive them. There are many people that will never ask for it. I should still forgive them. Otherwise, not only do I continue to carry that burden, but the dirty little secret is, if I don't, I keep my eye on them and I become like them. That arch enemy, that one that you hate, the one that you keep your eye focused on and play with that anger and play with that hurt and play with it. Guess what? You are constantly taking in that and taking in that and taking in that and you become like them. You have morphed into that which you claim to hate. Another example is Hosea who went to redeem his wife. I don't recall her asking, sending a letter saying, come and get me. I'm in the hands of an abuser. So what are some common excuses that we don't forget? Well, I'm the one who sinned. I don't want to ask forgiveness because if I do, I want everything to be exactly as it was before. And as we discussed yesterday, that can't happen. Because the situation has changed. We have introduced a new element and everyone must adjust to it. And we talked about the fact that God does not forget. But neither are we to use it as a club. When we say, I remember what you did last week. I remember what you did last week. I remember what you did last week. Or you get in that discussion that gets loud at times. And it gives those flights of fantasy. And you recall what happened 20 years ago, and how it was repeated 10 years ago, and how it was repeated yesterday, and how nothing ever changes because you're exactly the same. That's not forgiveness either. When I say you don't forget, I also mean that you don't bring it back up time after time after time. Because forgiveness, once you give forgiveness, that is the answer to the penalty at that moment in time. You do not hold it against them. Will they do it again? Does the sun rise in the morning? Probably. How many times should I forgive? Seven. Yeah, and I keep a list. We're almost there. No, you don't. So what is it? It's nothing more than a fulfillment of Genesis 3.16 carried out in all our relationships. Dominance. I want to dominate each other. The woman wants control over the man, the man wants to dominate the woman. And at the heart of it is sin, which puts self as a central authority rather than God. There is only the apology if one agrees to worship the other. So, if I come and my wife wants to apologize because I finally argued her into submission after eight hours, and her mind is numb with exhaustion and lack of sugar and stuff, that's good because now I'm boss, she's kneeled at my altar. Of course, I know none of you guys ever do that. It's always a do. It actually destroys the covenant. Remember, relationships are a covenant. Not just the marriage, but the friendship. And I think in the Old Testament, dating was a betrothal thing, which was a covenant thing. Unforgiveness destroys that. So when you're dealing with the conflict, the only resolution to unforgiveness is? Forgiveness. The spiritually mature will demonstrate forgiveness and others will learn to forgive. So we pray, and we should always pray in our prayers, that God give us the grace to build godly relationships. In other words, I am the switch. our disagreements, she is not the switch, I can't control that switch, she is her switch, I am the switch. If grace is going to flow, I have to be of the mindset that it must flow through me. In fact, in the dating marital relationships, That is our responsibility, guys, is to be that switch, that conduit that starts it flowing. They then reflect it back and at some point in time God deals with them and their switch opens. Now grace flows through both channels. And at some point in time, all those little sinners you brought in the world, all those happy little faces that you've wounded and stomped on over the years, that switch will turn on in them also, hopefully. Now you have a different family dynamic. What kind of family dynamic do you really want? What kind of friendship relationship do you really want? See, what we do in this life, it's all about relationships. That's why we're still here. You cannot, as I said yesterday, lead others to Christ without a relationship. It might be a five-minute relationship. Usually not. Usually they've seen you in action and seen Christ in you. Not just heard you, seen you. Are they seeing that switch open? Or are they seeing what they see in their lives? Then they're not impressed. Are they seeing how we deal with the very same problems that they deal with, but we do it differently because forgiveness. Now we can keep that switch closed. And it's not an all or nothing. There are some parts of my life I still, of course, struggle with, with unforgiveness. It's not just binary, on, off. We're multifaceted. See, we're talented. We can put a switch on in this area and keep it off here. And we think that if I turn it on over here in this small area, God will be happy and I'll be blessed over here in this area that I'm not really yielding. That's not how it's happening either. So I hope that I brought some insight, which is really my goal. The only thing I can do is bring some of the things I've learned on the scriptures to you, hopefully in a different format, hopefully from a different perspective. to spark you to think, to encourage you to study. That's why I post these online. I don't hit every Bible verse up here. So you can download them and go back and read the verses, meditate on them, and pray about them. Ask God, is this really true? Is this really what your word says? Is this really what you want to have done in my life? Now I'll throw the floor open.