David really didn't want me, want you to hear what I had to say this morning. But you need to hear what I have to say this morning because I am the expert on the subject. But before we move into the subject matter, I wanted to answer a couple of questions that have come my way about us a little bit. I am a professor at Westminster Seminary, but also pastor of a PCA church just outside Philadelphia. It's called Crossroads Community Church. It is a church that is urban and multi-ethnic. I grew up in the countryside of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, never dreaming that I would be an urban pastor, but now I'm an urban pastor. first-generation immigrants in our church from 21 countries. And it's a very exciting thing. It's the experience of meeting the husband of one of our Pakistani members whose marriage was arranged. That's the kind of culture we have. But it seems to work out somehow. But it's really a wonderful place to minister. We've been there. We just finished 25 years there at that church. And also, some of you mentioned the fact that you may have heard me with the Westminster Brass over the years. And it kind of conjures up an interesting dilemma in some people's minds because they think about this professor, preacher, tuba player. But if you think about it, it all takes a lot of hot air to carry out all three responsibilities. So that I am quite good at. I think there's a lot of cynicism out there about marriage. Generally, I remember when Barb and I got married, we had two ministers officiate, one from the church in which I was doing an internship at the time, and the other man from my home church in which I had grown up. And the man who was discipling us was the primary counselor. But because we were getting married in my home church, we had a meeting with my minister. And it was very nice. It was very sage. And as we were walking out the door, though, he said, I just want you two to know that sometimes things just don't work out. I mean, what's that to say to a young couple? You know, we're all, what? And I'm thinking, maybe it's because he's known me all my life. Maybe that's it. But that's not very good. And as you know, the marriage rate has been declining. And the reason the marriage rate has been declining is because people are just living together. We've seen a decline in the moral fabric of our nation. to the point where the institutions that we respect and are foundational to our culture are being compromised. Philadelphia Enquirer, who suggested that he was very frustrated with people making these wedding vows that they couldn't keep. And he suggested a true vow. He said, we promise to each other the depth of our dreams, the height of our hopes, the tender treasures and hidden recesses of our hearts. We promise to strive in every way to strengthen the permanence of our love, which is our greatest love. No, no, till death do us part, nothing at all. And he even goes on to suggest that we should boycott weddings where they use the old-fashioned vow. He said, people shouldn't be able to keep wedding presents until they've been married for at least a year. But moving to that, there's actually a jeweler in the United States who has begun offering wedding rings for hire. Rent is paid weekly. If the couple survives the first year of marriage, they are sent a congratulatory message and the rings become theirs. The caption of the advertisement says, statistically, people may change their marriage partner before they change their washing machines. And that's a sad, a sad, a sad commentary for sure. But today we're going to be talking about how to, how to frustrate your wives. And I debated whether or not to do this. And I talked to Barbara about it this morning. And I think that I think I'm going to do it. I'm going to take a shot. Here we are. We're in Columbia, South Carolina. The press isn't here. Nobody's going to report. So I'm going to ask I'm just going to ask a question. And I'm not going to ask I'm not going to ask the question this way. I'm not going to say I would not dare ask this question. Wives, how do your husbands frustrate you? I'm not going to go there. Because they're sitting right there. And I'm also not going to go to the place where it says, where I ask husbands, how do you frustrate your wives? I'm not going to go there. But I would like to ask a generic question, just a generic question. How do you think husbands frustrate their wives? Just to the men now. This is not to the women. How do you think, men, how do you think We frustrate our wives. Do you have any ideas? Any thoughts? Anybody bold? Anybody have a Starbucks bold this morning and want to? Yeah. We don't talk and we don't listen. Yeah, we don't talk and we don't listen. OK. Any other thoughts? Indecisive. We are indecisive. That can be frustrating to our wives. That's correct. Don't give details. What's that? Don't give details. Yes and no. Oh, you are bold to reach out here instead. Tell you what, I'm really impressed. But that's true. That's true. We can be very generically broad and not very detailed. Lack of leadership. Lack of leadership. OK. That's right. That can be one of them for sure. And as we press on, I think you're going to hear some of those thoughts echoed as we go into our study this morning. And in Ephesians chapter 5, and I know that you've been working through Ephesians 5 on Sunday nights, the book of Ephesians, but I thought it was important for us to look at this real core central passage that we're going to be reflecting on a little bit today. In Ephesians 5, you've got that classic outline of family responsibilities that flows from that great doctrinal foundation found in the earlier chapters of Ephesians. And I believe that the section begins with verse 21, where the Apostle Paul writes, be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Okay, now what does that look like? Wives, be subject to your husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word. that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. It's because we are members of his body. For this reason, the man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I'm speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife, even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. And I think here you see very clearly outlined the biblical roles of the husband and the wife. And we see this picture of male leadership in the home, something that we are charged to do. And again, we'll talk about how to make a stubborn husband later. But to talk about how to make a frustrated wife, the fundamental thing is fail to lead. fail to lead, fail to embrace that position of responsibility that the Lord has given to us. And I think it's important as we begin also to think about just the idea of leadership. The whole idea of leadership is something that is lost. this whole concept of responsibility and roles such as this. And you see in your notes, there's a little, there's really not enough space, so I'll just explain. Does it say draw the leadership matrix? Does it say that? All right. Now, if you can draw really tiny, I will help you through that. I was thinking we might have PowerPoint, but that's not possible in this room, so we're going to have PeoplePoint. People point. It's going to be people point. So in the world in which we live, there are all kinds of representations of leadership. So if at the bottom of that space, in the middle, just draw a little box and write leader in there. Write leader in there. Leadership is something that we desperately need. We need guidance, we need direction. And we have people in the world who are called upon to give us leaders. There's business leaders, there's military leaders, there's political leaders, there are cliques de asco leaders, categories that come to mind. And all of those leaders have particular goals. So now if you move about an inch to the right of the leadership box and put another little box and put goals in that box, leadership is designed to tend to take people in a certain direction. And the goal of leadership depends on the nature of the enterprise. I think you'll agree for a military commander, the goal is victory, taking the ground, whatever it might be. For someone in business, it might be to make a profit, to make a contribution. For those who are leading in politics, their goal is the well-being of one's constituents. And ecclesiastical leaders, the goal is the health and growth of the flock. But the leader and the goal aren't much good without followers, right? So to the left of leader, put another little box that says followers in it, okay? So as someone once said, if you think you're a leader and no one's following, you're just taking a walk. But in these particular circumstances, and many times by compulsion actually, in some cases, there are followers. So that for politicians, there are constituents. For commanders, there are soldiers. And for church leaders, there are church members, et cetera. Now, as you think about that dynamic on that dimension, there are all kinds of things that leaders can do to make their followers attain the goals, right? And sometimes they're not very good. Sometimes it is compulsion, sometimes it is strong-arming, sometimes it's intimidation. On the other hand, there are appropriate ways to motivate people, incentives, if you think about including people in the glory of the goal, so to speak. But what makes the big difference in what we're talking about today is if you put another box about half an inch above the leader. Now see, if you've made your boxes too big, it's not going to work. I am sorry. I tried to warn you to make the boxes small. The box above the leader should say, God. When you include that dynamic, that changes everything. So what that does is, what that does now, you draw an arrow from God to the goal. Draw an arrow from God to the goal. And as you think about that, as we reflect on leadership in the home, What do most folks think about when they think about their goals for their families? When you ask people, what do you want for your children? Ask somebody you know this week. Just ask them, what's your goal for your children? I think that a lot of people these days, and surveys have shown this, and it varies a little bit from culture to culture, but most people, most American parents say they just want their children to be exactly. You know the answer. They just want them to be happy, whatever that means. In some other cultures, they say we want our children to be successful. All right? Now, I think we have to, as leaders, be careful that we're not, do you want your children to be happy? Yes. Do you want your children to be successful? Yes. But what does that mean? As Christian parents, as Christian leaders, we understand that this is going to be, in the framework of a higher goal in which we want our children to know and walk with the living God and bring him glory because we know that despite the things that the world looks to for happiness and success, those things are temporary, those things come and go, but grounding people in a desire to glorify God is that which is going to truly give them meaning in life and is going to give them a foundation upon which they can live. Now, if you draw a line from God to the leader, God not only in his word determines and identifies what the goals are, but he also identifies how we as leaders are supposed to function. And he makes that very clear with respect to the family in the home that we as men are to lead, but we are to lead as servant leaders. We are to lead as leaders who are loving our wives as Christ loved the church. As someone once said, leadership in the home is cruciform. It's in the form of a cross. I'll never forget when I had a high school teacher who was a good friend after I graduated, and he said to me, hey, Tim, so guess what? I said, what? He said, I found my favorite verse in the Bible. He said, oh yeah, what is that? He said, wives, submit to your husband's eyes to the Lord. His name was Marlon. I said, Marlon? Good Pennsylvania Dutch. I said, Marlon, but did you read on? What do you mean? He said, you should read on. It says that husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Did you read that? I said, no, I didn't read that. People don't want to read that. But when we think about how we are directed as leaders in the home to exercise that leadership, that's what we're going to be talking about now. Because where we fail in those areas, that's where we frustrate our wives. Okay? And nobody's perfect at this, for sure. But these are the things that in the spirit's power we should ask God to help us grow. Now, you can also draw a line between God and followers. Because the Lord has also identified how followers are to relate to the authorities that he's established, correct? So the Apostle Paul would even write with respect to citizenship, even as he's speaking about the Roman government, you know Romans 13, it says that we should respect those in authority. Be subject to those in governing authorities, for there's no authority except from God. Those that exist have been instituted by God. So there's real authority that is exercised, as we're going to be seeing a little later. But that directive is going to be coming to the wives as we talk about how to make a stubborn husband. But you're right. The fundamental way that we frustrate our wives is that we fail to lead. And most significantly, we fail to lead by example. We fail to lead by example. I've seen this so many times in church ministry. You know, the do what I say, not what I do thing in families is deadly to the family unit. We as leaders in our home, as you see in the Ephesians 5 passage, we are to model and picture Christ to our families. and what we say and what we do and how we live. And what we show to our children and our wives in our behavior is really what's important and they know it. I can't tell you how many times that folks, for example, have dropped their kids off at church for Sunday school, say, well, why, you know, why don't you come? Well, I don't need it. It's just my kids need to go to Sunday school. I don't need that. And as soon as the kids grow up, what do they do? They're gone. For sure. I was blessed to grow up in a home where my parents loved the Lord and they were committed to the local church. And my dad, my dad was a rural mail carrier in Lancaster County. And that was a six-day-a-week job. He probably had a 35 or 40 mile route among the Amish folks. And he had, for example, he had several farmers on his route who were named Amos Stoltzfus. And some of them had the same middle initial. And the only way you get the right male to the right people is to know who those people knew. And it was always fun around Christmas time because dad would bring all kinds of things home. One time he, there was homemade goodies that the Amish folks would make. And one time he arrived at a mailbox and there was a live goose tied to the mailbox with a tag on it that said, for the mailman. Yeah, we took the goose. But my dad, if there was ever anybody, and he had a second job. He was an accountant for one of the local companies, and so he'd get home from the mail round around three o'clock in the afternoon, and then he would go over to the planing mill, and he would do their books for them, and they would come home. He did that a couple days a week. If there was ever a man who could say on Saturday, tomorrow's my only day for myself, I'm not going. It would have been him. I never heard him say that. Instead, what I heard every Saturday night was a whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh of him polishing our shoes. And that was the signal that we were going. It didn't matter. Now, every once in a while, he would let us up from Sunday school, but he would not, he would not come. It was, it was just never, and sometimes we'd go to Mother, you know, we'd say, Mother, do we have to, you know, we're going, we're going. Because they were involved in the church. He, she taught Sunday school, he was church treasurer for many years, but I didn't know Christ at that time. And I didn't really appreciate that, but when I became a Christian, I look back on that and I'm so grateful. So grateful because it instilled in me that respect for them even more, but it also instilled in me a love for the church and a love for ministry that I just didn't appreciate until later. I have another friend who is, I've met with him regularly for many years, Something happened several years ago in his own life and he did not believe that his church responded the way they should. And so he determined that he would stop going to church. For decades, he stopped going to church. And his two children, his two children when they grew up, they didn't go to church. They're both divorced now. And when my friend's dad passed away, Went to the funeral service, and the minister had spoken with his grandchildren. Speaking to his grandchildren, trying to comfort them. He was speaking to the five-year-old granddaughter, and the minister said to her, he said, you know, I just want you to know that your grandfather is with the Lord now. He's in a better place. And the little five-year-old looked up at that minister's face and said, oh, we don't believe in God. How quickly, how quickly. It's like the difference between Joshua and Judges, one generation away. And so it's very, very important for us to think about the example that we are leading. We need to be up front so people will follow. There's an example that I used in my book, The Shepherd Leader, that I think applies here. Anybody here ever visited Israel? Yes, well, if you've been to Israel... You are introduced to the tour guides. They're trained by the government. They are amazing, aren't they? I mean, they know everything. They know the Bible better than I do. They know geography, of course, better than I do. They know history. They know everything. And so at one point, I wasn't on this trip, but I heard about this man who was on this trip with the Israel tour guide. They were going through kind of a shepherding area. And the tour guide said, I just want you to know we're now going through a Bedouin area. Shepherds, you'll always know, are always in front. They're always leading the sheep. Wow, that's great. That'll preach. But then as they went on, they saw a flock of sheep being driven. by a man from behind. And the folks on the tour bus were pretty sharp. They said, excuse me, sir, I want you to take a look at this. And he said, all right, stop the bus, stop the bus. And he got off the bus, and he went and talked to the man. And he got back on the bus, if you excuse the expression, with a sheepish grin on his face. And he said, that wasn't the shepherd, that was the butcher. So your family's guys are looking to you to lead in your example. And as Paul encouraged the Corinthians to be able to strive to be able to say this, follow my example as I follow the example of Christ. And Christ in us, through the power of the Spirit, flaws and awe in us as we follow Him and seek to follow Him, He will enable us to lead effectively. But you'll notice that the heart of this text is love. What is that leadership supposed to look like? Well, it's loving leadership. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. And so the second thing there is don't express your love. If you want to really frustrate your wife, don't express your love. And as we think of Christ's love for us, that definitely gives us a remarkable model. And let's think about expressing our love. If you want to frustrate your wife, make your love conditional. Make your love conditional. Now, if you think about Christ's love for you and for me, it was unconditional, right? I mean, there wasn't anything about you that commended you to the Lord. I mean, it's not because you're so smart, because you're so handsome, or you're so enterprising that the Lord chose you. He chose you because He chose you. He loved you because He loved you. Now, we have to admit that our love for our wives We're human, and so there are those conditions that obviously attracted us to them. They're so beautiful, they're so smart, they're so wise to go out with us, they're so, you know, whatever it might be, those are the things that attracted us to them, and we will admit that. But when we marry, When we marry, then we are definitely making a commitment that undergirds and goes above all those conditions. So, your wife might no longer look like Nicole Kidman, but your love is based on commitment, not conditions. She might not cook like Julia Child, but your love is based on commitment, not conditions. She might not agree with you all the time, but your love is based on commitment, not conditions. She might be afflicted with a disability or other difficulty, but your love is based on commitment, not conditions. C.S. Lewis wrote, love is not merely a feeling, it's a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit, reinforced by the grace which both partners as they receive from God. They can have this love for each other even in those moments when they do not like each other, as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. And so when we're tempted to revert to conditions, we have to remember that commitment that we made. And someone once said something, I'm not sure who said this, but it's not biblical, but it's certainly true. No one can stop you from loving them. No one can stop you from loving them. And this is how we're called upon to express our love to our wives, unconditionally. So, on the other hand, if you want to frustrate your wife, make it appear to her that your love is conditional on what she does or what she doesn't do. That hurts. All right, if you want to frustrate your wife also, B under there is be self-serving. Be self-serving. If you think about Christ's love for you, Christ's love for you is sacrificial. He loved the church and he gave himself up for her. He gave himself up completely for her. His coming was to give himself to her in selfless service, in giving himself as the ultimate sacrifice. And for you and for me, now we're told that this is to be the model for our service of our wives. that we are to be selfless servants. Now, Gallup's survey indicates that men are still not doing a very good job at sharing family duties. When asked who is responsible for doing all or most of each of nine different household chores, men dominated in only two of the nine areas. You know what men do? You know what we do well? We're not going to give this up. What do we as men do? We take out the trash. Oh, honey, I'll take that. No. Dishes are piled in the sink. The baby's crying. She's going, I'll take the trash. Don't worry about that. And what else, what else do we do? We mow the yard. That's right. Now, why are all these female voices telling me these things? All right, so a man went to his doctor one time, and he said he was incapable of doing all the things around the house that his wife wanted him to do. And when the examination was over, he said, Doc, in plain English, what's wrong with me? And the doctor said, you're just lazy. And the man said, would you please tell me the medical terms so I can tell my wife? You know, and you wonder why your wife is tired. And just think about that. If we were supposed to be the servants in our homes, modeling selflessness, George Gilder in the book, Sexual Suicide, describes the burden on modern women. He said, in the past, sickness, mortality, slow learning, and other childhood afflictions were taken for granted as part of life. Today, the mother is expected to control them. To the difficult tasks of physical support are now added burdens of medical diagnosis, psychological analysis, and early education. The mother is still expected to maintain an aesthetically pleasing home for child and husband, to prepare the best meals, to maintain social connections, and to continue her own private education and development. There's no question that all too many husbands have neglected their own role in this process. And to be honest with you, I think that, guys, we can really take advantage here. I will admit this to you and testify this to you, as I've testified to others, that my wife is the most selfless person that I know. She's shaking her head no, but it's true. I didn't have to look at her. I knew she was going to shake her head no. Yet another example. So it would really be easy to take advantage of her. And I will admit that I have. Because I know that if there's something to be done, and I don't feel like doing it, I know if I just sit, she'll do it. But that's not the way it should be. And we should be thinking about this. But do you know what else happens? You know, when your kids see you doing that, guess what they do? They do it too. Tell mom, mom will do it. Don't worry, mom will do it. We need to take that initiative. And we need not to take advantage of our wives, but to serve, to show that we are serving them. So are you frustrating your wife by being a little too selfish? The next thing, be unconcerned about her holiness. Be unconcerned about her holiness. Now, as I mentioned earlier, the dimensions of our leadership in the home are far more grand. They are comprehensive, including our leadership in terms of helping our family grow in Christ. And this is very challenging. It's very important though. You notice that in Jesus' love for his church, he not only loved the church and gave himself up for her in verse 25, but verse 26, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word. that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she would be holy and blameless." We need to be concerned for the spiritual growth of our wife and our family. Arkandt Hughes writes, The man who sanctifies his wife understands that this is his divinely ordained responsibility. Is my wife more like Christ because she's married to me? Or is she like Christ in spite of me? Has she shrunk from his likeness because of me? Do I sanctify her or hold her back? Is she a better woman because she is married to me? These are challenging questions. But these are things that we need to be thinking about. As I mentioned, my dad's leadership that you would lead your family in the things of the Lord, and that you would lead your family in spending some time together in the Word. And I know that this is very, very difficult these days with the schedules and the busyness that people have. But I've discovered, and again, it's interesting, Harvard research has determined that some of the most valuable and important time that families spend together is at the dinner table. Kids are better adjusted. They're less likely to do drugs. I mean, just on a completely secular level, it's good. Now, why not infuse that with some spiritual leadership? And more and more resources are coming out that will help you with that. And I believe that you have to think about the time you have. You have to think about the age level of your children. And obviously, I don't have time to go into all that right now. But there are a couple of resources out on the book table. I'd also encourage you to think about a book by Marty Machowski called Long Story Short, Long Story Short. It's a very popular book of 10-minute devotionals that families seem to have benefited from. And also out on the book table, there's a really good book as well by Star Mead, Training Hearts, Teaching Minds. But think about how you might lead, how you might show some direction in that area. So, be concerned about nurturing your family in holiness and righteousness as well. And if you are, again, if we're talking about how to express your love, there's no better way to express your love than to express your love to them in showing your concern for their spiritual growth and their nurture in the Lord. Now, the next way to frustrate your wife under the idea of love failing to love her, don't tell her that you love her. Whatever you do, don't tell her. Just don't tell her. A few years ago, a couple in our church invited us to their home for dinner. They were a little older than we were and wondered what this dinner invitation was about. We were pretty young and new in the ministry at that time. And we sat, had a nice dinner together, and I was kind of waiting for the aha moment, what's going to happen now. And the wife said, she said, Pastor, you know, I have something that I need to tell you. And I said, okay, what seems to be the problem? And she said, Fred never tells me that he loves me. Wow, I said, really? And whenever I hear somebody say never or always, I tend to say, well, let's get to the bottom of this. And Fred, he completely looked shocked and surprised. And he said, I don't know what you're talking about. He said, I tell you at least twice a year that I love you. No lie. That's what he said. And it was really hard for me to keep from, I don't know if I was more shocked or laughing. I didn't know what to say, but we talked about that a little bit. But, you know, let me give you a little piece of sage advice here, guys. Twice a year is not enough, right? And it's like, I mean, when you go, okay, Mother's Day's coming, and you're gonna be going to the store, you're buying cards, and whenever you go to buy the cards for Valentine's Day and Mother's Day and birthday and all these things, there's a slew of cards in there that say this. They say something like, I know I don't say it as often as I should. Huh? Isn't it true? I know I don't say it as often as I should, and because I don't, I'm giving you this cheap card to tell you. Now you, we should never, you should never, I can't buy that card. You should never be in a position to buy that card. Your wife should never doubt, you should be telling her every day how much she appreciates that you, that she hooked her wagon to you. You know, maybe one of the reasons that your wife is frustrated and is feeling unappreciated is that you don't tell her. And, you know, you can't. Whitmer says I need to tell you that I love you. So, you know. So I got this checklist from the conference, honey. I love you. No. I mean, you know you love her. So you need to tell her. Just tell her. She is the most important person in the world to you, and you need to tell her. And that leads to the next one. If you want to frustrate your wife, don't affirm her. Don't praise her. Some of you women are married to Don Rickles. Some of you are old enough to remember who I'm talking about when I say Don Rickles. But he was the attack man, as you know. He'd just berate everybody all the time. And perhaps as a wife, you feel that you're married to Don Rickles. But in another passage in Ephesians chapter 4, Paul says, let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. What should you avoid? Paul says, corrupting talk. It means exactly what it says. It means rotten, putrid, foul, or disgusting. And you might say, well, I don't talk to my wife like that. Do you know what's kind of a scary thing? Have you ever heard your voice on an answering machine? One time I was listening to a message on my, I couldn't believe the way I sounded. I sounded so intense and angry. I didn't think I sounded that way. But we need to assess the way in which we communicate with our wives and assess whether we're using words that build up. Now you might think that one of the challenges that we face in marriage is that the old saying familiarity breeds contempt. But contempt is a very, very dangerous place to go. I don't know if any of you read Malcolm Gladwell's book, Blink. It's an amazing book. He talks about how snap decisions can sometimes be right. And he talks about research done by Professor John Gottman of the University of Washington. And his research, Dr. Gottman has determined, he has studied communication patterns in couples for years and years and years, and he can, if he spends an hour with a couple, He can successfully predict with 95% accuracy whether that couple will be married in 15 years from that point. If he watches them for 15 minutes, his record is 90%. Obviously, these are longitudinal studies. Now, what does he look for? What does he look for? Here's what it says. He has found that he can find out much of what he needs to know just by focusing on what he calls the four horsemen, defensiveness, stonewalling, Criticism and contempt. And even within the Four Horsemen, he says that one is more significant and telling than all, and that is contempt. He says if he observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the single most important sign that a marriage is in trouble. He says you would think that criticism would be the worst because criticism is a global condemnation of a person's character. Yet contempt is qualitatively different from criticism. With criticism, I might say to my wife, you never listen, you're really selfish and intensive, insensitive rather. Well, she's going to respond defensively to that. That's not very good for problem solving. But if I speak from a superior plane, that's far more damaging. And contempt is any statement made from a higher level that puts someone down. So, you know, think about your communication patterns. And if you've listened, you know contempt when you hear it, don't you? You know contempt when you hear it. So we need to examine ourselves to see if our communication patterns include that kind of words. But rather, on the other hand, we need to be using words that build up. You think about Proverbs 31. Proverbs 31, in praise of the exemplary wife, the very specific things that were mentioned There are all kinds of things that you guys can just stop a minute and think about what your wife does for you, what she is for you, what she, all the things that she carries out on your behalf and the things that she does to support the household, the things she does for the children, the things she does. Many wives these days are working women and it's hard. And if you can't think of anything to say, then you just haven't been paying attention. You should be. One time, I got up in front of my congregation. This is going to make the pastors here kind of, yeah. One time I got up in front of my congregation, I said, hey, folks, I want you to know that I'm the CEO of this church. Oh, I just saw eyebrows go. But I quickly added, I'm the chief encouragement officer. the Chief Encouragement Officer. And for you guys in the home, you need to be the Chief Encouragement Officer in that way. And unfortunately, we can be so wrapped up in our own lives that we don't pay attention. There was a guy, there was a wife who was really frustrated. Talk about a frustrated wife. She could never get her husband's attention. Because once football season started, I mean, you fill in the blank, a March Madness, whatever it is, fill in the blank. But in this particular case, it was football season. And he was sitting there watching football. And she just couldn't get his attention. So she stopped and she stood between him and the TV set. And she said, honey, I need to know if you love me more than football. And he stopped for a moment and he said, I love you more than hockey. No. No, no, no. We, as Paul writes in Ephesians, he says, we are to meet the need of the moment. Our conversation is to meet the need of the moment. And we can't know the need of the moment unless we know the need of the person. And we're also to give grace to those who hear. So in our communication with our wives, we should seek to give grace. And that is obviously a remarkable term that speaks of the powerful, holistic opportunity we have, again, to build our spouses up in Christ. One more thing. If you want to frustrate your wife, don't forgive. Don't forgive. Oh, actually, there's two more things. Don't forgive. Don't forgive her. When someone was asked, a man who had been married 52 years, what's the secret of their marriage, he said, we never go to sleep angry. So that's a great philosophy. And he said, yes, and the longest we've stayed awake is five days. You know, the scriptures are clear, all right? All right, how long does it take Jesus Christ to forgive you? The blink of an eye. How long should it take for you to forgive? Again, as we reflect Christ's grace, we are to be forgiving people. And obviously that goes both ways. Forgiveness, an eagerness, a readiness to confess our sin, and a readiness to give forgiveness go together. And I believe that something we need to be committed to is a concept of be-forgiveness. Be forgiveness. Have an inclination, a commitment beforehand. We're sinners, all of us. And nothing highlights that more than when you put two sinners together in a marriage. And when that's the case, then you're going to see the sparks fly. But that's the reason. If we understand that, we have good theology. We understand that we're going to sin. We're going to sin against each other. Therefore, we should be prepared to forgive each other. One of the most astounding examples of that in my own family's life was my own brother. My own brother was a, my oldest brother is a very gifted guy. He's the smartest one in the family. Not the best looking one, but he's the smartest one. That must make you wonder. But in any case. He was making advances in corporate America very well. He was vice president of his company. He began to travel, and my sister-in-law was a sweet Lancaster County homemaker who loved her husband, loved her family, loved her home, and was very, very faithful. But my brother got involved in a relationship with somebody else, and he actually moved out. He moved out and moved in with his mistress. I saw him one time, and I said, Bob, I said, I want you to know that I'm going to pray. He's a professing Christian. I said, Bob, I'm going to pray that God is going to make you miserable until you repent. He said, OK. So a couple of months went by, and I saw him. He came to the house for some reason, and we were in the backyard. He said, hey, Tim. I want you to know if you're still praying that way." And I said, yeah, why? He said, well, I lost my job and my health is beginning to deteriorate. I said, I wish you'd stop praying that way. I said, I can't pray that. I can't stop until you repent. I wasn't very happy about that, but I, there's nothing else to say. And his church was beginning to get involved with him, which was very good. About four months later, four months later, it was Thanksgiving week. My brother walked back into his house with his wife, and she welcomed him back, and she forgave him. And I have never seen anything like that, because she was determined. People, you know how that is when things start to go wrong. You get, oh, there's all kinds of counsel from everywhere. Oh, you know, you have, she did have biblical grounds for divorce, she did. And so people were telling him, dump the guy, get on with your life, all those kinds of things. But she said, I was convinced that he was going to come back to me. And he did. It's been 20 years now, I think, since that. But every time I see them, I just, man, the grace of God, the power of forgiveness. But I guess even when you think about that, even that is somewhat muted compared to the forgiveness that Christ has given to us. So there are some ways that, guys, you can frustrate your wives, and I'm sure you do. But by the grace of God, we have an opportunity in union with Christ to search our hearts and to see how we can improve, how we can grow in our leadership, and how we can grow in expressing and demonstrating that selfless Christ-like love for our wives, who are God's greatest gift to us in this world. Let's pray. Father in heaven, I thank you so much for our time together this morning in this first session. Lord, when you call people together in marriage, we recognize that this person is a wonderful gift from you. And I pray, O Lord, that you would please help us as husbands. Please help us not to frustrate our wives. Help us to, by your Spirit, to lead in a godly way And by your spirit, please, may you grow, each of us, to be more like Christ. And as we do, may our leadership in our homes demonstrate a selfless, sacrificial love that draws people, draws our wives to you, draws our children to you. And for each of us, Lord, as we hear these things, I know as I am reminded of these things, I know how I fall short. But thank you that our life together is about your determination to conform us to the image of Christ until we meet him one day. And we thank you in Jesus' name. Amen.