And it's great to see a cross-section of folks here tonight, age-wise. And I thought maybe, is there anybody here who's been married at least 50 years? Anybody? 40 years? All right, very good. Don't be shy. Don't be ashamed of that. That's impressive. That's very good. 30 years? Good, good. 20 years? 10 years? Five years? One year? Well, you know, the one thing about, one thing, and the rest of you are afraid to admit it, but in any case, we are going to be talking about marriage for the next couple of hours, not tonight, hours, I mean tonight and tomorrow. And there's nobody here who has a perfect marriage. And that's because all of our marriages are made up of imperfect people. And therefore, I hope that what we're going to be looking at over the next couple of days will be of help to you. Anybody who knows me well knows that, and if you've read my first book, you know that it's not rocket science. I tend to be pretty simple and, I hope, pretty clear. And I hope that will be the case. But as we move into our first subject tonight, I thought that this would be an interesting way to approach the subject. the subjects over the next couple of days. And actually, I suggested, my suggestion was not taken, that we have upside-down cake for dessert tonight because of our subject titles. But in any case, I think that you will get the point. We're going to be looking at the positive to the negatives as well. There was an elderly couple who were shopping and the wife was caught stealing a can of peaches. And she was hauled before the judge, and the judge said, well, how many peaches were in the can? And she said, six. And he said, well, I'm going to sentence you to six days in jail. And her husband piped up and said, she took a can of peas, too. Well, I hope your marriage is in a little better shape than that. But as I said, we've all got room to grow. And there are a couple of ground rules here. There is no elbowing. No elbowing, OK? The point is that you As we look at these things, I'm hoping that you will ask the Lord, you know, what can, how can I be a better husband? How can I be a better wife? How can we together walk more closely with the Lord? And I would like to pray as we begin. May I? Father, thank you for tonight, and we look forward to what you have to say to us. I thank you for each marriage represented here. I thank you for your providence in drawing these couples together and bringing them here tonight. And I pray that you would bless our time, for we ask it in Jesus' name. Amen. How to be strangers. I think a lot of folks in marriage, even though they may have been married for some time, may feel like strangers. And this is obviously counter to what God's intention for the marriage relationship is. And as you think about that very word relationship, we have to understand that that's one of the very fundamental needs that God has given to us, a need for relationship. For instance, perhaps as you were invited or thought about coming here tonight, you asked, well, who's going to be there? Who's coming? Who else is going to be there? Well, you wanted to know that because relationships are important. You're going to be more comfortable when you're in a relationship. This is because we're made in the image of God, and the most important relationship of all, of course, is our relationship with our Creator, and the rest of our relationships got messed up when that relationship got messed up, but we can rejoice that... Well, let me put it this way. One of the things that... One of our greatest fears is a fear of transparency, of being really well-known. And yet, in marriage, we are to know one another better than anybody else in this world. My old friend Steve Brown used to say to his congregation, he would say, if you knew me the way I know me, you wouldn't want to listen to me preach. And then he'd say right back to them, if I knew you the way you know you, I wouldn't want to preach to you. and the remarkable thing as uh... you know the bottom line of all this is that as we as we come together as we we come to christ that that he knows all about us he knows us thoroughly he knows us our hearts and our thoughts and our minds and yet it was while we were yet sinners that that he died for us and that's the basis for all of our relationships and therefore tonight in talking about how to be strangers we need to to think about how our marriages reflect the intent of God's design for marriage as it came to us in Scripture. There was a marriage retreat on one occasion, and they were going around, they had a little game at first, and they asked a certain person, they said, we want to know how well you know your wife, and they asked, what is her favorite flower? And he said, Pillsbury All-Purpose. I don't think that's what they had in mind. So one of the things that you have on your tables, I've given you a broad outline of where we're going to be going. And the reason I did that was, we talked about whether to provide outlines or not, and I asked my wife, and I'm so happy that she's here, she can keep me straight, you know, if I say anything that's not according to Hoyle, so to speak. But when the question came up, Should we have outlines? She said, send them an outline. So you have an outline, but it's pretty simple. I hope you can fill in the blanks. So, how to be strangers. First point, don't spend any time together. Don't spend any time together. Now the problem here, of course, is that marriage is designed to meet the need for companionship, correct? In Genesis, we read that as God was creating this world, it was good, it was good, it was good. And you know, at that one point, it was not good. And it was not good for man to be alone. It seems strange that Adam had all these animals around him. He wasn't alone but there was a sense of aloneness because there was not anyone like him. And the Lord said, I will make a helper fit for him. Now the Hebrew word translated fit is found only here and means suitable for or corresponding to and the concept is one of an equality of personhood. And so in all that God had created up to that point, there was not another one of Adam's own species that he could relate to. This did not take God by surprise. As you know, in the Trinity, there is that remarkable, mysterious relational dynamic between the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. And this need in the newly created man did not take God by surprise. Sometimes, when we read that account, it seems as though there was a big oops Oops, I forgot something, but no, that wasn't the case at all. I believe that the reason that this is highlighted in this way is to actually bring to the surface the glory of the helpmeet that God created for Adam. And so, also we need to mention that marriage is designed to be the primary human relationship, therefore. Of all the relationships we might have in this world, your spouse is the very most important one. that needs to be said. This is the reason in Genesis 2.24 that we're told that a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, cling to his wife, cleave to his wife. Cleaving is a very interesting word, isn't it? Because what's a meat cleaver? A meat cleaver is something that you know, hack those nice fillets and nice bite-sized pieces for us tonight. But the Hebrew word that's translated cleave means to really cement together is the idea of the Hebrew word. And it pictures for us a kind of intimacy that surpasses everything else that we can experience in this world. Now, I think as people come to marriage, there are varying degrees of experience and background. Barb and I were blessed to have grown up in the same hometown. We met in sixth grade. She didn't like me then. She didn't like me most of the time. And actually when I decided that I would be bold enough to try and date her, I asked my best friend to ask her out. Because I knew that if she went out with him, she'd go out with me. So she did go out with him and then I just kind of moved right on in. And the rest is history. That's when we were in high school. high school seniors, we were cast as romantic leads in Brigadoon in high school. I was Tommy Albright, she was Fiona McLaren. And our first kiss, our first kiss was in the high school lobby, surrounded by 50 people watching us practice the kiss scene in Brigadoon. So we have a lot of common background. She has, we're from Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. She has horse and buggy Mennonite relatives. I have horse and buggy Mennonite relatives. That means she's a really good cook. That means I will never be thin. But it means that we have a lot of background and of course in the Lord we have so much more now. But that relationship with our spouse is also designed to be the most intimate relationship of all in this world. So that in Genesis 2.24 it also says, they shall become one flesh. And that obviously speaks of a physical union, but it speaks of a far deeper, broader, holistic union and oneness that we are to have as husband and wife. And as you know, the biblical terminology for intimacy is the word that's translated, no. Adam knew his wife. And it's, again, a far more comprehensive knowledge and intimacy as we join in our marriages, but What happens? Sometimes things happen that draw us apart. And sometimes we can become strangers as we live our lives. And this is why we must work every day at developing that relational dynamic of presence. So if you want to be strangers, Don't spend time together. If you want to be strangers, do not practice the principle of presence. But the principle of presence is something that's extremely important for you and for me to practice. And I don't know about you, but the longer you are married, the more difficult that can become. Remember when you first started dating? And you just couldn't stay away from her, remember? It's like, where are you going? I'm going to Barb's. All right, you're going to Barb's again, all right, it's fine. I was at her house with her so much that my friends actually sat me down one day. And they said, you know, Tim, we really miss you. You're spending far too much time with her. I said, I don't care. That's where I want to be. And that's still where I want to be. But unfortunately, life gets in the way and the principle of presence, therefore, is foundational for you to grow in relationship with one another. And I think we need to be spending, you know, dedicated time. And it's difficult. When you have children, you know how hard it is. Maybe early in the morning. There's so much time spent with children during the day and the evening. Maybe after they go to bed. But there needs to be a time when you will sit down and just spend time together. I think it's not just spending time together on a daily basis. I think there is definitely the need for the quantity time in our relationships, to deepen our relationships. Something that Barb and I have tried to do over the years, and this is just a start, is to make sure that around our anniversary that we get away for a day or two or a night or two just to be alone together. I mean alone where kids were small. Our kids are now 34 31 and 28. So you don't have to worry about that anymore. But when they're small, you need to find somebody to watch them. And guys, you need to plan this. You need to take responsibility to spend that time. And we usually do it somewhere near our anniversary. And you know that that can be a challenge as well as you try to find time. But you need to schedule time to be together. A little time regularly during the week. but larger amounts of time throughout the course of the year at some point. Now, I hope most of you remember your anniversary. And I know that's trouble. That's a problem for some of you guys. And there was this guy who went into the Department of Motor Vehicles, and he wanted to get a vanity plate. And the guy said, well, what do you want? I said, I want these numbers. I said, well, what are those numbers? He said, that's my anniversary. And I figure if I have it on my license plate, I won't forget it. So a couple hours later, the guy came back in and said I need to change it. He had it wrong. But look for, you know, look for other special occasions. One of the things that we have the privilege of doing is because our first date was opening night of Brigadoon. I know that. November 17th, 1970. Now because I know the date, every year on that date, we go back to the same restaurant that we went to that night. And it's just great, it's just great. And one year, actually two years ago, it was the 40th anniversary of our first date, and I had secretly arranged for the man who directed our high school musical to be there. And so we walked in the restaurant, there he was. It was amazing. But I just encourage you to make sure that, make it clear to your spouse that she is the most important person and that you want to spend time with her. So if you want to be strangers, don't spend any time together. The second thing is if you want to be strangers, I mean, don't do anything together. I mean, these are closely related, obviously. But I believe in addition to practicing the principle of presence, you have to practice the principle of partnership. And you'll also recall when God created Adam and Eve that he gave them work to do in the garden. They had a partnership in the Lord that they were called to carry out. Remember Genesis 1, 26 to 28. The Lord said, let us make man in our image after our likeness and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the heaven, over the livestock and over the earth. over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth. So man created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth. God gave them a purpose together to serve him, to rule over the world that had been given to them. And as you think about this idea of tasking together. We need to think not only about what those tasks might be, which we'll mention in just a moment, but also to mention the point that God has gifted you differently. You and your spouse have different strengths and weaknesses. Do you know what they are in your marriage? I hope you do. If you don't know each other very well, then You don't know, but if you are growing in depth of knowledge, it's important for you to know what those strengths and weaknesses are. And just as kind of a silly example, before GPS, we're going someplace and Barb has the map she's navigating and she cannot read a map. She just can't read a map. And she'll admit that to you. I wouldn't admit it to you unless she agreed to let me admit it to you. And so she can't read a map. And so this was frustration. I'd say, honey, where do we turn? Do we turn? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. It wasn't good. But on the other hand, if we've ever been anywhere once, she remembers. So one night we were visiting some friends in Pittsburgh, and if you've ever been to Pittsburgh, you know it's hills and bridges and tunnels and dark. It was dark, it was rainy. And I said, honey, how do we get there? She said, well, turn right here. And I think this is it. Yeah, that's it. She got it right on. I know when to pay attention, but obviously that's a very minor example. One of you might be better with people than the other. One of you might be better with finances than the other. You need to understand what your weaknesses are and yield to the strengths of your spouse. and you need to grow in your understanding of your strengths and use them to serve the marriage together. For example, I mean Martin Luther, he was a great theologian, but he wasn't very handy. He didn't know a lot about finances, but his wife Catherine, she knew how to run a household. And whereas before Martin Luther got married, he was in the red most of the time, but Catherine had him, had their marriage in the black, and all the enterprise that she was involved in. So, understanding your mutual strengths and weaknesses help you to carry out in partnership what God is calling you to do. What are those things that we can do together? Now, I think you'll agree that when we have children, that the focus of the partnership is mostly on raising the children, right? I mean, that's what you're dealing with all the time. Your conversation, your activity is about the children. But where a lot of couples really get in trouble is when the children leave. the emptiness. And suddenly the focus of their activity, the focus of their intention, the focus of their partnership has gone. And I believe that's the reason that you see a lot of, I mean surprisingly, couples who have been married 20, 30 years, you see their marriages dissolve. the focus of their partnership has dispersed and they don't know what to do. And so what happens is that the husband becomes a couch potato and the wife gets involved in something else, but they don't partner together. As Christians, we have a wonderful opportunity, for example, to be partners in ministry. as we serve the Lord together in our church, in our neighborhood, in our community. But it's not just that. It's anything. It's something. Whatever you do together, whatever you set your mind to. I mean, a couple weeks ago, Barb and I, we spread six cubic yards of mulch together. It was great. Well, it wasn't great, but it was okay. I don't know if you heard about this comment was overheard at a garden club meeting. I didn't know what compost was until I met my husband. Scratch that one for the next time. Don't use that one, Derek, okay? But can you, I mean, think about your marriage and think about the things that you do together. Maybe you're at that stage where you are wondering, you know, what's happened. Well, maybe the focus of What you used to do has left and maybe you need to rethink together where you can focus this remarkable tandem of gifts that God has brought together to bring him glory in the world. He is still using you to exercise, to demonstrate to the world his lordship. And this is happening through your partnership together in life, in ministry. So if you want to be strangers, don't spend any time together. If you want to be strangers, don't do anything together. And if you want to be strangers, this is really important. If you want to be strangers, don't talk. Don't talk. Now there are some words that are closely related that will help understand the answer to the importance of this. I mean, union speaks of oneness with another person and is closely related to the word communion and closely related to this term is communication. And how do we grow in our knowledge and understanding of another person? It's through communication. It's through talking. How do we grow in our relationship with the Lord? It's through that exchange as we speak to Him and He speaks to us in His Word. That's how the relationship is built. But if you want to be strangers with God, don't talk to Him and don't listen to Him. If you want to be strangers with your spouse, don't talk to your spouse, don't listen to your spouse. Wayne Mack wrote, wherever you find marital failure, you will find a breakdown in real communication. Wherever you find marital success, you will find a good communication system. So research continues to show that the number one problem in marriages is communication. Now a lot of people think that the number one problem in marriage is money. But it's not money, it's fighting about money. It comes down to communication. I mean, we had some friends in high school and they fought over the checkbook their entire marriage for 40 years. Like, you have the checkbook? No, I have the checkbook. Well, I want the checkbook. You can't have the checkbook. I'm going to have the checkbook. So it's fighting over finances. And therefore, communication, we're going to be talking about this a little bit tomorrow, but communication is very, very important to overcoming being strangers. There was a person who complained to another person who says, all my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I lost 20 pounds. And a friend said, well, if that's so bad, why don't you leave him? She said, I want to lose another 15 pounds first. But when it comes to being strangers and the communication factor, there are a couple of sub-points here. If you want to have bad communication, which affects your relationship, ignore the truth-trust dynamic. Ignore the truth-trust dynamic. In your relationship with your spouse, honesty, truthfulness is the foundation of trust. If you are not entirely truthful with your spouse, then there may be a crack in the trust level of your relationship. And trust is the foundation of intimacy and the communion that you have with one another. One of my favorite commercials is the Geico Abraham Lincoln commercial. You know that commercial? I love that commercial where Mary Todd comes into the room, you know, and she's all dressed up and he says, does this dress make my backside look big? And you can picture it now. And he's just kind of going like this. And I timed it. There's 13 seconds of silence in a 30-second commercial. That's money, my friend, but that's not, I mean, that's money well spent there because you just see her and then, and finally she turns around and he says, well, maybe just, and then she storms out. Sometimes it's difficult to share the truth, but if you can't get an honest answer from your spouse, where are you going to find it? When you talk about such things as finances and feelings and whereabouts and interests, challenges, concerns, need to be transparent with one another. And that truth builds trust. Now the second element of communication that builds relationship is that you need to understand your unique communication styles. I don't know, I've had different experiences in restaurants over the years, but you've been in a restaurant where people just start, a couple just starts yelling at each other in the restaurant. It's like, what are we gonna do? It's very uncomfortable. Obviously, that couple hasn't learned how to communicate very well that they can't even keep it under control in a restaurant. But on the other hand, there are those folks, I don't know if you ever went to a restaurant, and you just spot a couple, and they just sit there. Just look around, you know. Never say a word to each other. I say, honey, look at that, look at over there. They haven't said a word all evening. Just sit there. I don't know. Something's missing. We do need to understand one another's unique communication styles. Some people's tendency is to blow up. Some people's tendency is to clam up. And in order to get the communication right, you have to know how to relate to another person's communication style. For example, here's a problem. Sadie thinks, I'm upset. Sam, she's really angry. I'll just keep my cool. Sadie, look at him. He doesn't even care. Sam. Wow. She's really losing it. I'm going to give her even more space. Sadie. He must not love me. Or he would say something. Sam. Now she's acting irrationally. I don't know what to do. If you know that your spouse's tendency, for example, in responding to conflict is to retreat. Perhaps you need to give some space, but then you also need to take initiative. And if your spouse's tendency is to blow up, then you need to be sensitive to the right time to work toward a conflict resolution with that person. But I think the key is that you understand one another and try to work toward resolving communication issues. And I would also suggest to you, quite frankly, that if you just keep getting into the same ruts, if you can't seem to dig out of those ruts, to be quite honest with you, you need to get someone to help you. someone to help you, someone who can listen to you, someone who can call you out. I mean, that's one of the interesting things about being a pastor is when you have a couple sitting there and they don't even hear each other. And as a counselor, as you go to a counselor who is well-trained, they'll be equipped to really call you out and help you improve your communication style with one another. Another thing, if you want to be sure to be strangers when it comes to communication, keep your conversations superficial. Keep your conversations superficial. Now, we understand that there are all different kinds of different levels of communication. There's the daily traffic communication that we have all the time. What time are you going to get home from work? What do you think we should have for dinner? Are you going to pick up Sally? I'm going to pick up Sally. Are you going to the game today? Those kinds of things. Those are very important forms of communication. We need to go to a deeper level of communication as well. We need to be spending that time, that's one of the reasons that that time together is important, to be able to talk to your spouse about how she's doing. You know, how are you doing? Do you have any concerns? Is there any way I can help you? just having time to be able to enter into a deeper level of communication with someone is very, very important. And unfortunately life, what happened, life happened. And it's something that we need to be sure to be moving into our lives so that we can be working toward that kind of intimacy and union and oneness that God designed for us. And I think there's another thing that's closer related to this. If you want to be strangers, never pray together. Never pray together. And I know this is really hard, again, as life happens. But I believe if you think about these different factors that we've discussed tonight, the principle of presence, the principle of partnership, the principles of communication, they all converge. in this one thing, in praying together. And some people have set times for, this is very challenging for Barb and for me. We just, we have to catch as we catch can. And yet, at the same time, we need to be realizing the importance of this time together and growing together, because what we're doing is we're communicating with one another. We are obviously together, praying is obviously something that we do together, but the communication then includes that dynamic of our creator, the creator of our marriage, the one who called us together to serve him. Very helpful, very important for us to think about that and to try to build that into our lives. And so, as we begin tonight, I hope you're not strangers. Hope you're not. Maybe you feel like strangers. But I would just ask you as we begin tonight to think about these elements that we've discussed. And perhaps think together about One thing, one application that you can, maybe you need to talk about, maybe you need to set some time. You know, we haven't really spent any time together. We need to spend, we need to set some time together. We haven't been away alone. Some of you with young children, maybe you haven't been away alone together since your honeymoon. You need to spend, you need to spend some time. And it doesn't have to be extravagant. Our first anniversary, we went to the beach and camped out. We were alone together. It was great. Things have gotten a little better since then. But maybe you've kind of lost your focus. Maybe you're not really doing anything. Maybe you're not partnering together anymore in anything. Think about something you might be able to exercise and express your gifts and your oneness together in partnership. And maybe you just need to talk about talking. Just don't need to talk about talking. And the good news is that the Lord, you know, the Lord loves you. The Lord has given you as a gift to one another. And you are the most important person in the world to that other person. And that's the reason that these things are so important to invest in. And that's the reason that it's so important that we strive not to be strangers, Because as we grow in our oneness and in our union, you're going to be showing the world something that they rarely see. And that's what Christ can do in a marriage. Now tomorrow, what I promised you, I'm going to be talking about how to make a stubborn husband tomorrow. And I'm going to be talking about how to frustrate your wife. For some of us, that's very easy to do. But let's join our hearts together in prayer. Father in heaven, I thank you so much for our time together tonight. I thank you for this wonderful dinner and for the hands that prepared it. I thank you for the committee that worked so hard to bring this event together. And Father, we all know that each of our marriages needs some tweaking, needs some work. And I pray that as we think about tonight's subject, alienation is a word that is a word that speaks to dysfunction in our relationships. Isolation is another such word. I ask, oh Lord, that you would help us all tonight to overcome by the power of your spirit that loneliness, that isolation and alienation that we may sense in our hearts and our relationships. And we thank you that you have come and done a work in our hearts that we desperately needed, and that is to bring reconciliation between us and you. And now you've given us the power by your spirit to demonstrate in our relationships with one another a oneness and a union that the world does not understand but yet is amazed at. And so I pray that for each of the couples represented here tonight, that you'd help us to practice the principle of presence and partnership, and that we would grow in our communication, both with one another and with you, that you might be glorified. And we thank you in Jesus' name. Amen.