So this is our sixth lesson on marriage, and I'm grateful that this series has been helpful thus far. Last time we looked at ways that we fall short in marriage, and in this lesson we're going to be looking at forgiveness. Now, how much does it hurt if a multinational company betrays your trust? This happened to me recently, so it's fresh in my mind. If an acquaintance of ours offends us, it stings a little deeper. When a close friend sins, the wound goes even deeper than that. In Psalm 55, we have displayed for us the anguish of soul that betrayal by a friend causes. It says, For it was not an enemy that reproached me, then I could have borne it. Neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me. Then I would have hid myself from him, but it was thou, a man, mine people, my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together and walked under the house of God in company. Job also knew what it felt like to be wounded by his close friends. He says, all my inward friends abhorred me, and they whom I loved are turned against me. And Jesus himself felt the bar of betrayal Though Jesus knew all things, his betrayal by his friend was still a singular wound. Psalm 41 verse 9 says, Yea, speaking about Judas, Yea, my own familiar friend, and whom I trusted, which did he of my bread hath lifted up his heel against me. When Judas led the authorities to him, there is a closer relationship than a disciple, and that is a spouse. If betrayal by a close disciple is a wound, betrayal by a spouse is even more painful. But it's not just in betrayal that wounds go deep. Little offenses can feel like big ones because of who it is that offended. Your wife doesn't really care if a stranger pays her no attention Harsh word, angry countenance, indifference, unthankfulness, bad manners, unthoughtfulness, and a million other things can build up, creating discord and relational distance. If these things go unchecked and unresolved, the marriage will begin to break down, and husband and wife will begin to drift apart and begin to find ways to live at a distance Forgiveness is essential if marriage is to survive and thrive. If a couple begins to hold things against one another, they are in for a life of misery. woman, because she was taken out of the man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cling unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh. The Hebrew word translated cling describes an active pursuit in marriage. To cling, stick, stay close, cling, keep close, to stick to, stick with, These are all words that this means. Pleading, then, is pursuing closeness, intimacy in soul and body. There are a few reasons that God said it is not good for man to be alone, but we shouldn't overlook the fact that God made man as a social creature with the ability to communicate, to love, and to bond. He exercised this social aspect of his nature in his communion with God. But it was also created to socialize with those his equals. Marriage is the earthly fountainhead of socialization, and all other social relationships originate in this first one. Obviously, God is the ultimate source of all relationship. But from the marriage, which is the closest earthly bond, spin out relationships of lesser intimacy, which are the parent-child your immediate family, and so forth, until society is formed into sort of a web of interpersonal relationships. But the local source of all of these is the marriage relationship, which is to me the closest and the most intimate. It's no wonder that when marriages break down, so do all other social relationships, until society is at war with itself. We can see this in places where marriage has been disregarded. For all you married couples, your relationship in many ways serves as the glue of the entire society. Maybe you never thought about the fact that the health of your marriage impacts Ultimately, it impacts everyone else. Thus, pursuing closeness and intimacy of marriage is of primary importance and is not a trifling or secondary concern. The entire social fabric is strengthened by your close relationship with your spouse. Men, pleading to your wife should be a major pursuit in your life. Keep her close in your heart. Cherish her by your side. Actively pursue her. This is what it is to plead to your wife. But the opportunity for offense comes daily in a marriage, and this is why forgiveness plays such a central role if a marriage is to be healthy and close and intimate. So let's talk about forgiveness. Before we actually have a need to forgive ourselves, we should have already nurtured a heart of forgiveness. This is, in fact, one of the essential and key traits of a Christian. Jesus taught that forgiveness is so important that to refuse it to others is to eschew it from God. And in even stronger terms, that to refuse to forgive others is to not be forgiven yourself. We see this in the Lord's Prayer and in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant. There are several words in the original languages of Scripture that are translated in our English Bible as forgive. One of these words, sometimes used in the Old Testament, has the sense of lifting, of bearing up, taking on, or carrying. And when the text requires, it is translated forgive. to this idea of bearing, lifting, carrying. In the New Testament, one of the words used means to grant as a favor, and another means to send away, to dismiss, or to lay aside. From these words, we can learn something about forgiveness. It is lifting the burden from the offender onto yourself. It is carrying what is another's. It is granting favor that is not earned. It is sending the sin away. It is dismissing and laying aside the fault. We see all of these things being done by Christ as He took our sins upon Himself. He carried them, suffered for them, expiated them. That is, He sent them away from us. He granted us unmerited favor and thereby laid aside our sins. Forgiveness requires a personal cost. It is because of love that one person bears the burden and lays aside the sin of another. This is what God has done for us, and we as his people are called to follow in his steps. When we forgive, we relinquish the desire for personal vengeance. This is speaking about enemies, not your spouse. But it applies even to your enemies. Bless them that curse you. Do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you. Forgiveness is an act of personal sacrifice, and an act of sacrifice that God requires of His people. In this way, we mimic Jesus as he demonstrated forgiveness to the greatest possible degree. The blessing that we give is kindness rather than retaliation, good words rather than cursing, and to remove the barrier to relationship and desire that the person then would be restored to righteousness. or the heart to forgive. This means that we let go of the internal anger and bitterness that arises when we are offended. There is something right about being angry at evil. God himself is angry with the wicked every day. He has every right to punish every iniquity that we commit immediately. God's disposition is one of great patience and long-suffering, not willing that any should perish. When we are offended at someone for their sin, we are right to be. We would not be people of righteousness if sin didn't repulse us. When anger arises within you because of evil, this isn't a wrong impulse. To be apathetic towards sin is itself a sin. Your indignation over sin is your agreement with God that this wrong deserves punishment. It's true. But if we are Christians, this righteous hatred of sin should then draw out of us the desire for redemption. Why? Because this is God's own desire. We were redeemed because God takes great pleasure in mercy. In these two impulses, we reflect both the justice by being angry and the mercy by willing or wishing for redemption. So we reflect the justice and the mercy of God. Yet, God desires for mercy to triumph over justice or judgment. Another reason we should desire mercy and redemption is that we ourselves are in need of it. It is very hypocritical when we have received mercy to then turn around and begrudge it for others. So the heart that finds forgiveness is in tune with the heart of God. God is willing to forgive. A heart willing to forgive is still not forgiveness, though, in its fullest sense. A forgiving heart is a loving heart, and there is much that this person will overlook, as love covers a multitude of sins. But real offenses or serious breaches of trust require something of the offender for forgiveness to be given. God requires of all who desire His forgiveness yet acknowledgement of wrongdoing with a desire to amend is the responsibility of the offender if he is to seek forgiveness from his spouse. The reason for this is that forgiveness involves reconciliation of relationship. This means that the sin must be removed. The problem should be resolved. So if sin is not properly dealt with, it continues to bring its consequences into the relationship. When we went through Ken Sande's book, The Peacemaker, a little while back, we learned that forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises. These four promises are, I will not dwell on this incident. That is removing the bitterness from your heart. I will not break up this incident again and use it against you. I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship. We can make the first promise and choose not to dwell on an incident and overlook it without our spouse repenting. We can choose not to harbor bitterness. But the last three of these promises require resolution of the issue through repentance and forgiveness. If it has not yet been dealt with or swept, or to sweep these important issues under the rug, when they are hindering the relationship, these things don't just go away. They need to be dealt with. Since forgiveness requires repentance, We need to go to our spouse and tell them of their sin, plead with them to repent. this is exactly how Jesus tells us to handle fences in a relationship. Take heed yourselves, if thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him, and if he retent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent, thou Jesus answered Peter when he broke him on forgiveness to offer it as many times as is necessary. Then came here to him and said, Lord, how off shall my brother sin against me? And I forgive him. Jesus is acknowledging the need for continual repentance and forgiveness in relationships because we continue to fail. If God sent a number of sins we could commit and no more, we would obviously lose our salvation. We offend in many ways and He promises that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just. is that forgiveness should be lavish and free, provided there is true repentance. When someone asks us, we should forgive them. This is well and good in most cases, but there are times when it gets a little more complicated. What if my spouse will not acknowledge the wrongdoing? What if the sin is a breach of the marriage covenant? What if the sin is a crime? In all these situations, the offended spouse should include other people who God has given to help deal with these issues. Pastors, Christian counselors, and in cases of crime, the civil authorities are there to help deal with these special cases. If you go to your spouse and tell them of their offense seeking reconciliation, and it is not acknowledged. After prayer and much patience being exercised, it is right to seek help from a trusted Christian brother or sister. Don't suffer there with a bad relationship and this kind of an issue in your marriage, silently and alone. That's why you have Christian brothers and sisters. If it is a serious issue, Most all of us need this kind of help from time to time. This isn't some strange thing that you would need help resolving conflict in your marriage. It's very common. You shouldn't be ashamed of it. It's so a shame that we don't talk to anybody about it. What about a spousal who is addicted to pornography or has committed adultery? These are very serious issues. And a simple, I'm sorry, isn't enough. It's not enough because these sins reveal patterns of unfaithfulness that don't just go away on their own. These sins reveal one who is caught in a web and ensnared by Satan, and accountability is necessary for the sake of their salvation and for salvaging what is left of a marriage that has been violated on the deepest level. You don't get to drop a nuke on your marriage and shrug it off with an, I'm sorry, and then go about your day. It doesn't work that way. John the Baptist said to the hypocritical Pharisees and Sadducees coming to be baptized, bring forth fruits, meat for repentance. It's not enough just to say it with your mouth. The church is there to hold all of its members accountable. And in these cases, it is especially necessary. Our confession of faith explains what repentance looks like. In chapter 15, paragraph 3, it says, This saving repentance is an evangelical grace whereby a person, being by the Holy Spirit made sensible of the manifold evils of his sin, doth by faith in Christ humble himself. of it, and self-abhorrency, praying for pardon and strength of grace, with a purpose and endeavor, by supplies of the Spirit, to walk before God unto all, well-pleasing all things." This is more than a simple, I'm sorry, this is deep-seated, It should be said that these sins often reveal one who is a hypocrite and no true Christian. But on the other hand, true believers can and do fall into such things and need to be restored by true repentance. Proverbs 28.13 says, He that covereth his sins shall not prosper, but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy." That's repentance. Isaiah 55-7 gives hope to the penitent man. Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts, and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him, and to our God, for who are abundantly pardoned. Unfortunately, there are yet worse things than adultery and pornography. There is child molestation, and physical assault, and unspeakable things. In these cases, necessary self-defense, removing yourself or others from the threat, and immediately notifying the civil authorities must be the course of action. not for immediate help. God requires the Ministry of Justice to deal with crime and you as a witness or as a victim are responsible to report it. If there's crime going on in your marriage, there's assault, rape, molestation. It needs to be reported to the proper authorities. Nevertheless, The perpetrators of such crimes are not always beyond redemption and reconciliation. God does grant repentance to some of these, and if it were not so, then our support of prison ministry is wasted money. It's a difficult path, but marriage is wrecked by such wicked behavior. can be reconciled within the bounds of prudence and wisdom after the fruits of genuine repentance over time being evident. What I'm saying is that reconciliation after repentance is a real option in these cases. Some would say that there's no hope for reconciliation in these more extreme circumstances. In many instances, they're right. Nevertheless, we would be denying the power of the gospel We say that a person is unredeemable. There are many who have turned from egregious sin and went on to live for the Lord. Yet God doesn't forgive us first without dealing with the sin that separates us. faith. Thankfully, many marriages don't have to deal with infidelity or even more serious sins or crimes. But even so, lesser sins can still wreak havoc in a marriage without repentance and forgiveness. All sin is evil and leads to death, even little sins. Think about Adam and Eve eating a piece of fruit. Sin leads to death and it should be dealt with. It is cancer that will eat the heart out of your marriage if it goes unresolved. Is there a relational distance between you and your spouse? Has that magnetism that drew you together been reversed and now it feels like you are repelling one another? Don't continue to live like this. It is likely that your problems may be resolved with some humility that produces Draw near to each other. Remove the barriers to closeness. You are not doomed to live in a bad marriage. It can be redeemed. Do you want to have a good marriage? Acknowledge your sins when they're brought to your attention. If your husband comes to you or your wife comes to you with your faults, don't deny it. And I know we all do. Repent and seek forgiveness over your sins. Be humble enough to admit your faults. Even if you think you were justified in what you did, consider it well and try to see it from your spouse's perspective. It could be that you are technically right in your actions and yet fail in the spirit in which you operate. This is still important to acknowledge. of doing it is improper or rude. On the other side, be willing to forgive your spouse. Live with a heart of grace, leaning forward into forgiveness. Overlook the little things and be ready to forgive the bigger things. Consider yourself and how often you offend and treat your spouse with the grace that you expect to receive. One man said, the man who refuses to forgive destroys the bridge over which he himself must cross. It's very profound. The man who refuses to forgive destroys the bridge over which he himself must cross. This is true. Let's close with a few verses to challenge and encourage our hearts. Matthew 6, 14 and 15. For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Ephesians 4, verse 32. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another. even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you. Amen.