If you will, turn with me to Ephesians chapter 6. Ephesians chapter 6, we'll pick up the reading in verse 4. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. We've been going through this series for several weeks now, dealing with what does the Bible have to say with respect to raising our children. And last week, we started going down this pathway of looking at the issue of how do we deal with the sin of anger within the hearts of our children. And as you think through this study, once again, it's not really profitable for you to sit through there and either nod your head in agreement or disagreement. What you need to really be doing is taking evaluation, taking stock of your own home and saying, do I see the signs of anger and rebellion? Because if you're beginning to see the warning signs, you can intervene very quickly and start dealing with this, versus now you've got full-blown rebellion externally being displayed in front of you, which is a whole other level of intervention. But, once again, if you are seeing things such as outbursts, temper tantrums, does your child exhibit this being quarrelsome, argumentative? You give simple instructions, but you end up having to argue and reason with them, and the reasoning really becomes you're louder than them. You have to overpower them to get them to do what you want. If you see disrespect, if you see fighting, if you see a stronger child within the home who exerts his will forcefully by bullying the younger ones within your home, if you see animosity, cruelty, strife, antagonism, do you see one child antagonize another child, provoking to wrath, once again, as siblings within the home, we see this time and time again. They know what buttons to push, and they go out of their way to push the buttons. Do you see acts of vengeance? Someone does something to one child, and instead of figuring out how to handle this and respond to it biblically, they want to have some type of vengeance against them. Do you see bitterness? Here's another one. Do you see discouragement within a child? Now, once again, how are you training them? What are you doing? How are you disciplining them? Do you see apathy towards your authority? Do you see indifference? Underlying all of this is a heart of anger. So we looked at this last week, and we also noticed the connection between the heart of anger and the foolishness or folly The Proverbs were very clear on this. I mean, we must have looked at twenty-something verses in the Proverbs to demonstrate this. What does the Bible say about a fool? I'll just give you a couple things to remind you. What are the characteristics of a fool, biblically speaking? Well, they despise wisdom. They despise instruction. Now, once again, as you go through this mental checklist and you see these characteristics in your child, don't underestimate, they may just be following your lead. So, do you despise wisdom? Do you despise instruction? Do they hate knowledge? A fool would grieve his mother. A fool enjoys devising mischief. We saw that in Psalms 10, 23, for example. A fool always thinks he's right in his own eyes. It doesn't matter if there's four people standing in front of him saying, you're wrong. A fool stands there and defends a foolish cause, or a wicked cause, an evil cause. They're quick to anger. They're deceitful. They lie. They manipulate. They're arrogant. They're careless. A fool rejects his father's instruction. A fool does not respond well to discipline. The fool does not understand the purpose of wisdom. The fool has a worldly focus, not an eternal focus. He has a carnal value system. That's a value system that he picks from the world. Or, even worse, what he does is he has made up his mind as he comes to God's law, I will only go so far. Because there's some laws that are just a bit too extreme. Right? And so he picks and chooses, and what does he do? He'll take his scissors, and he'll cut and paste God's law or God's word, and he'll just kind of arbitrarily pick this. Does this describe you? Are there some parts of God's law to you that you just think, that seems a bit too much? It seems a little bit too extreme? Well, now what you're arguing is that maybe you're a little bit more merciful than God. That's a bad place to be. God's laws are always merciful. Right? Therefore, are good. All right? The fool is the only one who can discuss his own viewpoint. A fool provokes others to strife and anger by his words. A fool has a smart mouth that gets him into trouble. He's quarrelsome. He's contentious. He repeats his own folly. He trusts in his own heart. A fool is one who cannot resolve conflicts. A fool is one in your home... Once again, quit thinking about everyone else. Think about your home. Do you have to intervene and stop conflicts within your home because your child is unable to do that? Does someone have to intervene to stop this? Well, the Bible says that in Proverbs 29.9, that's a fool. And then a fool gives full vent to his anger. He can't control his anger. You provoke him, he's going to explode. And the Bible says in Proverbs 29.11, that's a fool. So, the ability of... What you as parents have to do is, number one, you need to know these texts of scriptures. So you can go back and listen to or look at your notes from last week or go back and listen to the teacher from last week to go through the full exhaustive list of all the Bible verses. But you need to learn the ability to know these characteristics and be able to evaluate them in your children and even within yourself. Because it's critical that you understand what's going on with the heart of your child, even the heart of your spouse, right, so that you might be able to minister God's Word. Because God's Word doesn't just say, well, now here's the characteristics of the fool. It'll tell you actually how to minister to that person. Now, last week we began to differentiate. Part of the reason we see anger within children, and you can almost trace it back if you look at the different studies that are out there, and these guys who spend a lot of time dealing with, working with parents in this area, they can almost always narrow this back down. When you see anger within the heart of a child, typically you have a child-centered home. Your house is focused on the child rather than having what we would call, I guess, a Christ-centered home. So who rules? What's the center? What's the focal point within your home? So we gave the characteristics of a child-centered home. So see, did you guys go back home and start going through that list? Or did you say, wow, that was a little convicting. I'm going to slide this under the bed because I don't want to be reminded of this again. Or did you actually take the list out with your spouse and start saying, we got some issues here. All right, so what are the characteristics of a child-centered home? Well, your children interrupt adults when they're talking. your children don't know their place. And so adults can't even have a conversation because of your children. If your children can't sit there respectfully and listen, then that's, once again, you've got an indication that you've got a child-centered home. Next, a child-centered home is characterized by children who manipulate and rebel to get their way. So does your child use manipulation? And you can see it in the youngest child, right? I can remember my youngest girls, that in their eyes, even when they were little. Now, it wouldn't work on Marie, but it would work on me, right? And so, just know, they start at a young age doing this, and you gotta understand, does a child manipulate and use rebellion to get their way? Do they dictate your schedule? I mean, you can't be about the vision of God for your home because your children and what's going on with them, whatever it is they're doing, is dictating your entire schedule. Next, does the child take precedent over the needs of the spouse? That would be a characteristic of a child-centered home. Does your child have an overriding or even an equal vote in decision-making matters? Where does that come from? You don't find that principle in the scriptures, right? And so we dealt with that one last week. They demand excessive time and attention from parents to the detriment of all the parents' other biblical responsibilities. That would be a characteristic of a child-centered home. A child-centered home is a home where the child, when he rebels or disobeys, he escapes the consequences of his sinful and irresponsible behavior instead of being held accountable or being disciplined properly for his sin. A child-centered home is a home where the child speaks to the parent as though he's a peer, not his authority. Your children need to understand you are their authority. The child-centered home is a home where the child is the dominant influence in the home rather than the parents. And then finally, I mean, there's a lot of these things we could put up there. I'm just trying to give you some ideas to think through to evaluate your own home. A child-centered home is where a child has to be entertained or coddled rather than disciplined to get out of a bad mood. I mean, you're going to have to sit down and dictate in your own home what is the disciplinary action for a child who's in a bad mood. He can't dictate the tone of the home, or she can't. All right, so that was the characteristics of a child-centered home. Well, let's contrast that with what we said just by way of review. What are the characteristics of a child-centered home? And remember, in the child-centered home, the child is the one who has to be served. He knows nothing about serving. And, you know, just sit back, watch what goes on. Does your child understand the concept of blessing others by serving them? Next, so if we think about a child-centered home, let's contrast that with the characteristics of a Christ-centered home real quick. They joyfully serve others. Does that describe your home? Does that describe your children that they joyfully serve others? Next, they cheerfully obey their parents the first time. or do you have to remind him over and over and over again? In other words, you become the jackhammer in your home because you're just repetitively saying the same things over and over again, okay? To cheerfully obey the parents the first time would be a characteristic of a Christ-centered home. Next, a Christ-centered home, a child understands not to interrupt parents when they're speaking to each other. They know their place. Next, a Christ-centered home is a home where the child understands they will not always get their own way. And they're content with that. Let's back up. Why is this even important? Well, it's important because if you're going to be a child in the kingdom, can we at least admit those of us who've been around long enough, studied God's Word, and been in his kingdom long enough understand we don't always get our way. They must learn to submit to your authority. Because as Christians, we have to submit to a higher authority as well. And I must learn to put Christ's desires above mine. And it's sinful when I don't. So we need to teach our children. They need to understand they're not going to always get their way. They need to understand that they need to submit to the authority. And they also need to understand and appreciate that your wisdom, despite what they may think, is greater than their wisdom. And this paints the picture of a wisdom that's even greater than ours. We submit to infinite wisdom when we submit to Christ and His ways. It doesn't always make sense to us, but it doesn't have to. You know Christ knows more than you. He knows the beginning from the end. So we are to submit to His will in all things. Next, in a Christ-centered home, the child works their schedule around the parent's schedule. Because the parents are the one who have been given the responsibility to carry out the mission. And so whatever you have your children doing, is it preparing them for your mission, the vision that God has given you for your home? Next, the child has to understand that God has given the parents other responsibility other than just meeting the child's needs. In a Christ-centered home, the child will suffer the natural consequences of their sinful and irresponsible behavior. In a Christ-centered home, the child will understand that they will speak to parents not as their peers, but honor them as their God-ordained authority. Do your children know this? Or do they just speak to you as respectful, as long as they're getting their way? But when they don't get their way, then they drop it. Well, then that's a child-centered home. That's not a Christ-centered home. They need to understand the difference. In a Christ-centered home, the child will be taught to esteem others more important than himself. Why is that important? Any of you got any disharmony in your home? Any lack of peace? Any strife, contentions? Where does that come from? It comes from violating this principle, that we esteem ourselves better than the other. And so we exert our rights over the rights, or really over our own responsibility. We're responsible to maintain peace as long as it depends upon us. That's what Romans teaches. Are you teaching your children this concept that Paul talks about in Philippians 2, to esteem others more important than themselves? Next, does the child understand he's there to fulfill various household responsibilities as a member of that, let's call your home a society. He has certain responsibilities within his home. Next, in a Christ-centered home, a child must learn to protect themselves from bad influences or temptations. In other words, are your children doing things that expose them to temptations they're not ready to resist? Are you allowing them to purposely put themselves in harm's way, spiritually speaking? There's certain things you wouldn't allow them to do physically speaking, but yet we drop the ball here and we let our guard down. We don't protect them from spiritual harm. So we allow them to put themselves in situations that they're not ready for. One day they may be ready to stand in front of sinners, right? But if they're not ready for it, don't put them in a position where they're going to fail. You've got to know them spiritually where they are. Next, in a Christ-centered home, the child learns not to divide the parents over disciplinary issues. They learn not to manipulate the parents over disciplinary issues. And then finally, in a Christ-centered home, the child is not more intimate with one or the other parents as the parents are intimate with each other. In other words, the primary relationship of the home is the father or is the husband-wife relationship. Now why is that? We talked about this last week. Because it's permanent. God's desire for the husband and wife relationship is permanent. The child-parent relationship is temporary. Why? What happens? Well, according to Genesis, when they leave out from under your house, they cleave to their spouse. And that relationship then becomes permanent. So, we looked at that last week. I would say a child-centered home is a home where the child perceives that the entire family exists essentially to please him or make him or her happy. That's a child-centered home. Mother, father, siblings only exist to serve and meet the needs of that child. Some of you older children, if you have the older child syndrome, that can be a problem. A lot of responsibilities are put on you at times, and as well they should be. But at times, because you're first, you tend to think a lot more revolves around you than really you should. So if you're an older child, be careful of that temptation, all right? Now, in a Christ-centered home, the child perceives that the husband is the head of the family and the wife is submissive to her husband. And this is, once again, this is so important for you to grasp, because if you don't have this picture where the wife submits to the husband, then you're not submitting to the authority of God, and so guess what you're teaching your children? You're training them not to submit to proper authority. The husband-wife relationship is the primary relationship within a Christ-centered home, and it's the permanent relationship that exists to glorify God, where the children are secondary. It's a secondary relationship, and it's temporary. So, if your home is a child-centered home, where everything revolves around the child. If you go through your checklist, and if you're honest here, and if you see some things in your home need to be dealt with, some things need to be cleaned up, your goal from here on out, our goal from here on out, is to start transitioning our homes from where chaos rules to where the peace of Christ rules, okay? All right, now, and remember the premise in Ephesians 6, 4. The premise is this. Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath. And I want you to understand, when we allow a child-centered home to exist, we are provoking our children. And so last week we left off with this idea that we're not going to start dealing with anger in the heart of our children first. We're going to start evaluating as parents. The buck starts with us and it stops with us as well. The idea here is that we want to evaluate our homes to make sure our homes have not been set up where we're provoking our children to wrath. All right, so last week we started this way. What are ways parents provoke their children to wrath? Number one, marital harmony. I'm going to go back through all these notes on this one here, but if there's disharmony within the marriage relationship, rest assured there's going to be disharmony with the children. And so, we as parents, as husband and wife, we need to make sure there's no confusion being displayed within the children. If there's disharmony, what causes that disharmony? Well, it goes back to what we just said, right? I'm asserting my rights. I'm not thinking about my responsibilities. I'm not esteeming someone better than myself. I'm not looking out for the interests of others. I'm arrogant. I'm being proud at the moment. I want to win at any cost, and I'm not willing to give up my rights to bring peace for the sake of peace in the home. There's not one of us in here that has not struggled with this. And so this is one of the areas that, how do we argue with one another? When there's conflict, when there's disagreement, how do we resolve this? It's important that you get your hands around this because this is actually how you're teaching your children. If you see your children when there's conflict and you must intervene, but where did they learn how to mishandle conflict within the home? They're probably following the father, mother, pattern. So if you have this, I'm going to win at all costs mentality, then you teach that to your child. And there will be strife, there will be contention, and there's not going to be harmony. But if you look at it and say, even if I give up to bring peace within the home, you have won. If you have esteemed the other better than yourself, if you've looked out for the interest, now I'm not talking about when there's clear sin that has to be dealt with. When there's clear sin that has to be dealt with, sometimes the other person, if they're sinning, they don't want to hear it. What I'm talking about is you didn't get your way. Or you had a bad day and you don't feel good or whatever excuse we make, and then we take it out on someone else. And then the conversation goes from worse to worse to worse. The insults start flying, right? But the point here is that if that describes you and your relationship with your spouse, then don't be shocked when we see this in our children. So I think one of the first ways, and we'll move on because we dealt with that last week, I think one of the first ways we provoke our children to wrath is disharmony within the marriage. Another example might be, and I mean, we could deal with this all night long, but I mean, think about, maybe there's something I expected Marie to do, and I thought I communicated it to her, but I didn't communicate well to her, whatever, and I get frustrated, and out of my frustration, I lash out, right? I mean, you see how these different things pop up, and then that's what we teach our children, and so there has to be a different way where we assume, you know what? There's nothing about Marie that I know is there to let me down, not have my interest at heart. She's not wired that way. So I need to assume the best in her actions, not the worst, and say, I probably didn't communicate well. That's a different approach and say, oh, hey, maybe I forgot to tell you or whatever. I mean, there's 1,000 ways I could do it and not offend and provoke her and there's about one or two ways that will provoke her, and I know what they are, and I go ahead and do those anyway. All right? That's the disharmony we're talking about, and do you think that gets taught to the children? They see it. All right? So, understand, get your hands around that one, because that is a, I mean, that's just a clear case, cut example of provoking our children wrath. If you're seeing anger within your child, step back and say, okay, is it because there's disharmony within the home? Now, once again, we're going to get to it. This doesn't let your child off the hook. They are responsible for their own anger. The issue here is, are you provoking the sin nature that's within them? Are you provoking them to wrath? Number two. Another way I think we provoke our children to wrath, and we've talked quite a bit about this, but you just need to make it as one, and we'll just hit it and move on, is establishing and maintaining a child-centered home. So when we as parents refuse to establish a Christ-centered home, this is a home where every member understands their role, and every member is committed to pleasing Christ more than themselves. If we don't do this, if we refuse to bring a Christ-centered home, that kind of culture within our home, we are basically teaching our children to become self-centered, self-absorbed, and refuse to look out for the interests of others. In other words, we're not preparing them to execute kingdom principles within their own life, right? And so it's interesting as we are hearing this study right now, just look at your kids. Are they even paying attention? Are they even taking note of what's being said? Do they not understand the importance that this is infinite wisdom? This is not my opinion about the matter. This is God's Word when it comes to this issue of how do you deal with anger. Because we can go back and look at the passages that talk about how anger will destroy your child, how anger will ensnare their souls, is what the Proverbs teach. But if your child is self-centered, self-absorbed, refuses to look out for the interests of others, he's not grasping kingdom concepts at all. And you must be teaching him this. This is not functional. No one can live in a society, and even within a family structure, within the family society, if everyone's looking out for their own interests. Because at some point, everyone must concede and give some ground. The question is, who's going to give the ground? If it's a child-centered home, you will. And you're not training them. You're not training them right. You haven't trained them how to handle not getting their way. And so what we see is when they don't get their way, at some point, you will establish. They will push you to the point of frustration, and you will lash out. And what will happen is they will respond in anger. And if the anger's not dealt with, then what happens? We have the root of resentment and embitterment that takes hold of them. And that'll destroy them. I mean, isn't that what Hebrews 12 taught us last week? You'll see the outbursts of wrath, all because you refused to bring your home under the dominion of Christ. And so if you allow the child to become closer, for example, to one of the spouses than the spouses are to one another, then the child thinks he's on equal footing as the parents. You have a child-centered home at that point. So you need to establish the roles within your home according to what God has decreed. Another way to look at this is that don't make your house a democratic household. In a democratic household, a child will eventually become angry because at some point, he won't get his desire. And you can see this, every one of you, if you allow your child to determine where you go out to eat, in a democratic household, what happens? The loudest, the most opinionated, the one quicker to the draw, the one who can stomp on others, if he gets to decide, then what do you do? You just create anger in the other kids, don't you? They get angry because all of a sudden, well, I wanted to go this place, and he wanted to go that, right? It's not a democracy, right? You're the authority. You determine where they go. They should be where you want them to be at all times. You make those decisions. But if you've got a child that thinks everything revolves around him, unless the child has the ability to say, you know what? You know, if Aaron says, you know what? I know Parker likes that Chinese food. Let's go. Now, that's different. That's a different type of style where all of a sudden, if Sidney says, I know what Hannah wants, let's go do what Hannah wants to do. But that's thinking different. There's a pendulum shift there. But if your child only knows how to make selfish decisions on what they want, and they don't understand the concept of esteeming others better than themselves, serving one another, they really got no business weighing in on the vote. And so what ends up happening when you have a child-centered home, if you don't deal with this, it produces a child that's dysfunctional in society. Let me ask you this. Do you as parents have children that have a hard time getting along wherever they go? Well, look back at your home and see if you've created this monster. See if you've created a child-centered home. And so you need to break this curse by going back to God's Word and structuring your home according to His will. All right, so that's point two in how we provoke them to wrath, establishing and maintaining a child-centered home. Next, number three, modeling sinful behavior. Turn over to Proverbs 22. Let's see how many we can get through tonight. Proverbs 22. Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a raffle man. Why? Lest you learn his ways, and you entangle yourself in a snare." Alright. I wonder, who's got a King James Version? I don't like the way this one reads. Somebody read that out. Any King James? Yeah. So that's a little bit more powerful, isn't it? You're going to ensnare your soul. So here's the question for you as parents. Have your children been snared by learning or picking up any of your angry habits? When you or your spouse models sinful anger, then you may inadvertently teach your children that the only way to solve problems is to win. And so children who regularly observe such poor examples of communication often grow up without having the necessary biblical resources with which to really resolve any conflicts and solve people problems. So if you or your spouse are habitually given to inappropriate manifestations of anger, then you really shouldn't expect your children not to do likewise. They're going to learn how to handle conflict by watching you, watching your example. If your goal is to win an argument while at the same time foregoing your responsibility before God to seek peace, to think of others better than yourself, look out for the interests of others, then this is how your child is going to behave. You know, this is one of the problems I think, and not that I have a problem with speech and debate, but if not properly taught right, you actually teach your child to win at all costs by arguing. Now, I think speech and debate, if used in the correct way to reason with sinners, to help them understand, to use the Word of God to reason, it can be a powerful tool. But it can also be a powerful weapon to tear others down. I've seen that quite a bit when I've looked at some of these jokers that are out there in the speech and debate department, particularly if they're good. They get arrogant, they're quick-witted, right? And they use their wits to destroy others rather than build them up. And they will win at any cost. And that's not the kind of culture you want in your home. And you know, this doesn't just apply to anger. Let me give you some other things to think about. This attitude really applies in all areas of life. For example, if you're critical, if you're overly critical, then guess what your children would tend to be? They're going to be overly critical and a complete displeasure to be around. Nobody wants to be around that. Nobody wants to be around when you just nitpick and criticize everything. That's a miserable place for a person to be around. Another one. If you gossip, then your child's going to learn the pattern of gossiping. So if you see this rampant within your home, you have to ask yourself, well, where do they learn this? If you hear your children talking about other children, you hear your children talking about others. Before you go in there and you discipline them, and it should be disciplined, stop and ask yourself, do I need to be asking for forgiveness because I've set this pattern, I've set this tone, this culture within my home? Next, if you lie, cheat, push boundaries, then your children would learn to lie, cheat, push boundaries, right? The idea is if this is the fine line of overstepping ethics or violating the law, our goal is not to just tiptoe as close as we can to the line. We're not here to push boundaries and say how far we can go. Next, if you disrespect authority, guess what your children are going to do? I mean, it's not magic, right? We're training them, and it's that kind of thing where you reap what you sow. So, let me give you some examples. Wise, if you disrespect the authority that's over you, then guess what you're teaching your children to do? to disrespect authority. That might explain, maybe moms, if you're having trouble, particularly as your children get older, moms, if you have trouble with your kids honoring you, give some consideration about how you honor your head. think through this. Husbands, if you don't submit to authority, then you're teaching your kids to despise authority as well. The issue if your child is having problem honoring the mother, it could very well be just simply because they're following your lead because you don't submit to any authority. Let me give you an example of how this might play out in some of your homes. Let's suppose you hear the clear teaching from God's Word, whether it's from me or some of the other men that teach around here. And what you do is you go home and you discuss and you conclude that you're going to disregard the teaching. In other words, you're going to undermine the teaching rather than repent. So rather than coming to the one who taught the message and get some clarity around it, what you do is you undermine the whole thing as you begin to disregard it, and understand your children are watching you, how you respond to the preached word. If you don't submit to the preached word, if you don't submit to the authorities that God has brought over you, then don't ever expect your children to submit to your authority. So if you're having trouble with submission with respect to your children, first start looking at your own self. Look at the areas of your life that you're not submitting to, and repent, confess, seek forgiveness, and then discipline the rebellion out of them. That's the response. Alright, so the takeaway here is that if your home is described by strife and contention, then this will train your child, whatever's causing the strife, whatever's causing the contention, understand you're training your child to behave likewise. And so if this is indeed what's going on, then you need to find a better way, and I would say a biblical way, to deal with the conflict. Remember, when there's strife and there's disharmony with the home, understand these principles are being violated. You must first learn how to biblically resolve conflict within the home. Then you teach your children, not just by word, but by conduct. Let them see these principles being lived out before them. Alright, so let's move on to the next one. What's another way that we provoke? the wrath. Well, habitually disciplining while you're angry, number four. Turn to Psalm 38. In Psalm 38, the psalmist cries out, O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger, nor discipline me in your wrath. When you are angry, it's easier for you to over-discipline. Your anger may be perceived by your child as a personal attack. If the child views your discipline as such, he will likely suspect that your motive is not necessarily discipline, but rather is vindictive, rather than corrective. And so if he concludes that this is your motive, then he's going to find it easy to get angry himself. If you discipline out of anger, I'm talking about uncontrolled. I'm not talking about the fact that you are angry if... that they have sinned against God. What I'm talking about is your anger as you've been offended. And out of anger you're reacting. And it becomes... there's nothing corrective about it. That's what we're talking about here. Well, you're teaching your child how to deal with people who sin against Him. You're teaching your child how to deal with someone who offends them, that they're going to respond in anger as well. Do you see how you could be provoking your child in this way? Remember, when you discipline, the emphasis should be on the fact that the child has sinned against God, not how his action has embarrassed you or inconvenienced you. Remember, you're dealing with the heart of a sinner. And so you want to understand that. How do you, how have you seen victory in your own life over sin? You need to help him see victory in his own life over sin. He must be disciplined. Everything I'm telling you doesn't disregard the teaching we gave on the rod. We're not talking about that. But what we're saying is that if you're using that rod habitually out of just uncontrolled anger, that's not what God's Word is calling you to. and you're teaching your child to deal, if you're seeing anger in your child, back up for a moment and ask yourself, how am I disciplining my child? Is it out of anger? And I want you to understand what the Bible says, go to Ephesians 4, about this issue of anger. It's so important that we learn how to deal with this. Ephesians 4, look at verse 26. Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. and give no opportunity to Satan, to the devil. I think the reason why Paul tells us this, why this is so important, is because you can allow anger to fester and you begin to think the worst and embitterment begins to set in if you don't go deal with it. Teach your child this principle. If one child has offended another one, he should know how to go and handle this biblically. He should not allow himself to go to bed angry at another person within the household. Teach him this. Do you see the beauty of the culture within the home and what God has intended? This is a great training ground. Sinners living with sinners. The Bible tells us how to respond, how to behave towards one another. Are you teaching your kids how to do this? Turn over to James 1. For those of you who may be angry, habitually angry, and you discipline as such, I think James 119 will help you a little bit. Know this, my beloved brothers. Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak. Notice, slow to anger. Why? Why does he say this? Verse 20. For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. I don't care how mad you get, how hard you hit, right? If you're disciplining out of pure anger, outrage, James says that your anger is not going to produce the righteousness of God. So that's so important for us to grasp. The anger of man does not and cannot achieve actually what you think you're wanting to achieve. So here's the principle. If you do not find yourself more upset because your child has sinned against God rather than you, then you need to quickly and prayerfully get your heart in such a state and set your personal desires aside for that moment. You must learn to lay aside your rights and think back to your responsibility. You're there instructing the heart of a child. You're dealing with the heart of a sinner. Don't become frustrated with them. Learn to be patiently guiding them and instructing them. That doesn't mean you let sin go unchecked. I think a lot of times we react out of anger because we let it go too long. And maybe mom or father were doing pretty good in the beginning and we try to reason and rationalize around disobedience and rebellion. And then by one or two o'clock in the afternoon, there's no more reasoning with it. You're unleashing on it. But rather what probably should have happened is in early in the day, that first sign of rebellion, you got to have a zero tolerance. Deal with it immediately so that by two o'clock in the afternoon, you're not unleashing on them. There's still harmony in the home. It can happen. Some of you may just be discouraged, some of you may be sitting there saying, I don't believe it. Take a zero tolerance on disobedience and rebellion, deal with it immediately, and find out what happens in your home throughout the rest of the day. It's amazing how quick it'll turn your home around. Discipline the child, learn to instruct the child, be ready to forgive the child's offense against you. I mean, that's what's going to bring about true fellowship in the relationship between you and the child, and it's going to bring it where you want it to be. Don't ever forget, though, it's hard. I get it. You're not looking at someone who's got it figured out and looks down at you and just down my nose at you. I get it. But you have to step back for a moment and think about what you're dealing with. You're dealing with the heart of a sinner. What does a sinner do? He sins. And you're going to have to train and instruct. You're going to have to discipline. You're going to have to take God's methods and apply them consistently within your home. Don't teach them to fear you in the sense that they fear you more than they fear God. Bring the fear of God within your home. Next, verbal outbursts, number five. Another way we provoke our children to wrath is with our words. Here we have another reminder, I think, of how important our words are and how our words can be hurtful and tear down rather than encourage and bless. Go over to Ephesians 4.29. Ephesians 4.29. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such is good for building up as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear." That's a great way to put it. Does your words come out to your children in such a way that it's graceful towards them? Even a rebuke can be graceful, right? Let's ask the other way. Forget about your child for a moment, thinking about me. Don't you want my rebukes towards you to be graceful? Do you want me to just have verbal outbursts of wrath up here? I mean, you wouldn't respond to that. Well, you would respond to it, but it ain't gonna be the response anybody would want. But yet you think when you verbally accost your child, humiliate them, tear them down, degrade them, insult them, mock them, do you think that produces righteousness? Do you think it does anything useful? So we need to learn to speak based on what the situation calls for. There's a time when the child does need a strong rebuke, but not ever does he need uncontrolled speech that tears him down. Learn to speak and communicate based on the situation. This idea of verbal outbursts. Turn to Mark 14. In Mark 14, just pick up the reading in verse 3. We'll jump in the context. Not that the story has a lot to do with what we're talking about, but there's a word that they use here that I think is interesting. Mark 14, 3. And while he was at Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he was reclining at the table, a woman came with an alabaster flask of ointment of pure nard. very costly, and she broke the flask and poured it over his head, and there were some who said to themselves indignantly," right? You get the sense of what they're doing. "'Why was the ointment wasted like that? For this ointment could have been sold for more than three hundred denarii and given to the poor.'" You see that word, scolded? What did y'all's translations have? I don't know why I picked up this ESV. What is the word y'all got? Criticized? What's another? Any guy back here? Huh? Murmured? All right. The Greek word actually has this idea of snorting with anger. Right? You see what I'm saying? And so, we need to make sure that's not the way we're communicating to our children. Right? Now, Trumbull, back in 1891, wrote this. Listen to what he says. He found this one interesting. So, 1891, this was written. To scold is to assail or revile with boisterous speech. The word itself seems to have a primary meaning aching to that of barking or howling. Scolding is always an expression of a bad spirit and a loss of temper. The essence of the scolding is in the multiplication of hot words and expression of strong feelings that, while eminently natural, ought to be held in better control. If a child has done wrong, a child needs talking to, but no parent ought to talk to a child while that parent is unable to talk with a natural tone of voice with carefully measured words. If the parent is tempted to speak rapidly or to multiply words without stopping to weigh them or to show an excited state of feeling, the parent's first duty is to gain entire control. Until that self-control is secured, there's no use of the parents trying to attempt any measure of child training. The loss of self-control is, for the time being, an utter loss of power for the control of others. In giving commands or giving censure to a child, the fewer and the more calmly spoken the words, the better. A child soon learns that scolding means less than quiet talking, and he even comes to find a certain satisfaction in waiting silently until the scolding is blown off and the surplus feeling which vents itself in this way. There are times, indeed, when words may be multiplied to the advantage in explaining to the child the nature and the consequence of his offense and the reasons why he should do differently in the future, but such words should always be spoken in gentleness and self-control and earnestness. scolding, rapidly spoken censures and protests, and the exhibit of strong feeling is never in order as a means of training and directing a child. And I think it's also when we vent out with these explosive words that we say the most absurd things, put the most ridiculous rules that we'll never enforce on our child. This is what causes confusion. Are you habitually just creating rules on the fly without actually thinking through how would you ever govern them? How would you ever enforce them? And then you're going to change them tomorrow? If you can't get control over your tongue, your tone, in the sense that... And there needs to be a sense of urgency with some of your sins, children. Right? We're not talking about the fact that you're being talking sternly to. There's nothing wrong with that. But what I'm talking about, parents, is this uncontrol. They've just broken it. I mean, they, in the sense that you have had your last, you're at your wits end, and you just leash out. Get control over yourself. Think through what you're going to say. They do need to, probably need to be disciplined. That's not what's at their stake here. But how you discipline is what's important. Remember, there are more appropriate forms of communication than just outbursts and complaining and murmuring, tearing down. And we went through all this in the past, and we need to remember these other forms of communication. But let me just give them to you. There is encouragement. There is correction. There are rebukes. There are entreaties where you plead with the child of the destructive nature of their sin. There's instruction. There's warnings. Remember, the Proverbs are good at warning. and learn to warm with the Proverbs. So learn these different types of communication. Let me just end with this one to get you thinking about it. If you don't like the kind of speech you're hearing within your home from your children, then you need to consider the culture you're building within your home. How do you speak? because I'm pretty sure that the speak of the nature and the tone and how your children talk to one another is typically characteristic of how you as parents are communicating with one another. Next, number six. B, another way we provoke our children to wrath is being inconsistent with discipline. Turn to 2 Corinthians 1.17. 2 Corinthians 1, 17. Was I vacillating when I wanted to do this? Do I make my plans according to the flesh, ready to say yes, yes, and no, no at the same time? And as surely as God is faithful, our word to you has not been yes and no. And the point here is that we need to be consistent. Let your yes be yes, let your no be no. Hold that thought, turn over to Ecclesiastes 8. Let me give you another one to think about. Inconsistency with discipline will provoke your child to wrath, for obvious reasons, right? Ecclesiastes, in chapter 8, look at verse 11. Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed speedily, the heart of the children of man is fully set to do evil." So another thing that we as parents do to provoke wrath within our children is to be inconsistent with discipline. And I think this inconsistency, at least you could probably come up with more, but I think it comes in two ways. The first is by having different parental standards of discipline. That's the first way we're inconsistent. We've got different standards as husband and wife. For example, the father spanks but the mother talks, or maybe it's vice versa in your home. Based on the nature of the number of how children are spanked around here, it looks like the mothers are doing more of it. If what I see going on around here is indicative of what's going on in the home, it looks like the moms are spanking more than the fathers. But the point here is that if the father spanks but the mother talks, or the mother spanks and the father talks, there's inconsistency. And there's a problem when a father sees, for example, something wrong, but the mother does not. Or if the mother sees that there's something wrong, but the father does not. This kind of inconsistency brings about confusion, and it also starts the child down the pathway of learning how to manipulate. The child begins to learn the game early on. They go to the more permissive parent to get their way. And so this begins to bring division within the parents. And the time spent to get on the same page with one another as parents, because a lot of times as parents, It's kind of like when I do my project management work and I have contractors in who tell me they don't want to plan. We ain't got time to plan. We got to get to work. Well, hang on. What are you going to work on? We're going to spend the time up front to plan it so that we can execute it. The time spent up front to put a proper plan together is worth it because it pays dividends in the long run. Well, the same thing is true when it comes to parents. You need to get on the same page. It's worth the effort. Time spent getting on the same page is more worth the hours of frustration you're going to experience if you don't. And remember, as a husband and wife, you need to be showing that you are one. You need to be a concerted force that the child's not going to try to divide and manipulate. And so you need to display this consistency in front of your children. The child should get the same response no matter what parent they go to. Why doesn't this happen? I think a lot of it doesn't happen simply because we don't talk to each other as husband and wife. The other consistency is it comes from... it's a form of vacillating day-to-day on what or what not is punishable. What? Right? So children should know what the parents want and expect no matter how the parent feels. In other words, your yes means yes and your no means no. The child should know that each offense will be treated justly, equitably, regardless of my emotional condition. The way it should be. And you know what goes on within your home, right? You understand how your children behave. You know what disobedience and rebellion the different kids in your home are prone to do. And so you need to start thinking ahead of time. You know it's coming, so how are you going to respond to it? Right? I mean, almost every one of us in here have older kids. Is there any question what the younger kids, what boundaries they're probably going to push? And you're going to act like it catches you off guard, right? So anticipate what's going to happen. Get on the same page. How are we going to respond to this? What are the questions? Can someone get earrings? Can someone wear lipstick? Can we wear jeans? They're going to come. The questions are coming. Get on the same page. Be ready to respond to all this. Can I wear my hair long? Just think about the non-stop onslaught of things that you're going to be asked. And you better be on the same page. Don't bring confusion. What brings about the rod in your home? Get on the same page. What are the consequences for disobedience in your home? What are the consequences for lying in your home? What are the consequences for arguing or not speaking kindly? What are the consequences for not looking out for the interests of others? And you say, really, come on. Well, let's go back. What's the biggest source of disharmony in the home? When we don't look out for the interests of one another? When we don't esteem others better than ourselves? And you're going to say, well, really, we're going to discipline over that? Well, the idea is that you don't have to discipline much. You establish the tone. You set the standard. The standard is God's word within your home. You've got to model the standard in front of them. Let them see what it looks like. Hold them to it. So I think one of the ways that we provoke children to wrath is by being inconsistent with them. And the way we're inconsistent with them is we either have different standards as parents or we vacillate. And there's no clear-cut understanding on what actually brings the parent's discipline on the child. So get on the same page with one another. How are you doing so far? You ready for one more? Or is this enough to get you through the week? A lot of work to do, right? This is tough stuff. And it's kind of embarrassing, some of it. I agree. When I think through our own home and some of the stuff, a lot of work to be done. And so if Marie would carry her own weight, right? But see, that's where the disharmony comes in. You see how we do? See how easy that was to come out of my mouth? All right, so, all right. I just want you to know I'm not unreasonable with understanding what's going on, but this is God's standard. And aren't your children worth considering this? Right? We don't want to be, we don't want to show them that we're going to disregard God's Word. God's Word is very clear. It's to command fathers not to provoke our children to wrath. And these are some of the ways I think that we do. One more. Two more. One more. Alright. Double standards. Go to Philippians 4. The next one. I think we provoke our children to wrath when we have double standards. Go to Philippians. Philippians 4 and 9. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things and the God of peace will be with you." So as parents who use the Bible to teach, to reprove, to correct and instruct our children in righteousness, if that describes you, but yet you're not willing to practice the same biblical righteousness in your own life, not only you're a hypocrite, but you are provoking your children to wrath. If you're one that has this do-as-I-say-but-not-as-I-do kind of attitude, then you're going to provoke your child to wrath. And what really happens is your religion becomes a joke to your child. What a horrible testimony. Go back to Romans 2. We've studied this, so I'm not going to belabor the point because you know the consequences of being a hypocrite. I want you to think about, remember, what Paul said here in Romans 2. It says in verse 24, "...for as it is written, the name of God is blaspheming among the Gentiles because of you, you Jews..." Remember what Paul said? "...you Jews, you're blaspheming the name of God amongst the Gentiles." Why? Because you don't do what you say. Remember, they were teaching the law of God to the pagans, but they were just as crooked, okay? Now, you think about how you feel when you see some pastor or someone who preaches one thing, but they practice another, right? It angers you to see someone misrepresent God. But the same is true for our children when they see us as spiritual leaders using a double standard. A double standard will encourage your child towards anger. The child is frustrated when you hold him to a higher standard than you're willing to hold yourself to. Now how do you know if you're doing this? Husbands, go home tonight and ask your wife. Am I preaching one thing, am I teaching one thing, but I'm holding you accountable to another thing? Wives, then ask your husband, am I teaching one thing, but holding you accountable in the sense that, am I expecting more out of you than I'm expecting out of myself? And then you have to go to your, if you really want to know, go ask your children. Now maybe some of you don't need to go ask it because you know the answer. And so there's some repentance that needs to take place in your home. Are you teaching and holding your children to a different standard than you're willing to hold yourself to, but you're embarrassed to ask the question because you know the answer? Deal with it. Because you're provoking your child to wrath. A double standard will encourage anger. The child is frustrated when you hold him to this higher standard than you're willing to hold yourself. What would some examples of that be? Well, man, let's talk about the easy ones. Do you read the Word? Do you tell your child they need to read the Word? Well, do you read it? You tell your child, well, you need to pray. Do you pray? Maybe you tell your child you need to learn to govern your tongue. Do you govern your tongue? Maybe your child lies, and you get on about it. They manipulate. Do you manipulate? Do you lie? Where do they learn it from? Where do they get these things from? Alright, I think that's enough on that one. One more. I think another way we provoke our children to wrath is being legalistic. When we talk about legalism, I'm talking about the kind that elevates man-made rules to the same level as the scriptures. You hold them at the same level as the scriptures. And when we provoke the child to wrath, or we do provoke our children to wrath, I believe, when we enforce the rules and principles that we come up with, but then maybe we don't enforce the clear biblical teachings within our own home. That will provoke your child to wrath. And so, let's be clear here that kids, your parents must set rules based upon biblical principles. Otherwise, you can't function within your home. So this is not a discussion about whether or not your parents should set rules that are not clearly expressed in the scriptures. God has given the responsibility to develop from the Bible walls for your home. Alright? For your children to abide by. So let's think about it. What would the laws in the house look like? Well, number one, you have biblically – if you've got to be writing this down, make you a chart, two columns. Number one, on the left side, you'd have biblically directed rules, and these would be things straight from God's law. Love your God, love your neighbor, Don't lie, don't covet, don't steal. Children, obey your parents. These are non-negotiables. You don't compromise on them. Straight out of God's Word. Now on the right-hand side, you could say there are biblically-derived rules that parents might impose within the home. So these might be things like, what time do you guys go to bed? Right? And so as long as you're under the authority of your parents' home, you're gonna go to bed whenever they tell you. And part of obeying the biblical rules is to submit to their authority in that area. But, you know, maybe when you get older, you can stay up to nine. I don't know. But the point here is that they're flexible, but you must stay under those rules. All right. And if you're in our home, I mean, we stay up late and we don't get up so as early as some in the sense that but we just stay up late and that's just our routine. I mean, we're up talking and You know, usually, we're having to push kids out of our room, right, to finally just go to bed. But that's us, all right? And so, you know, we're not there to impose our way of life on you in that sense. But there would be things like, kids, you love this one, right? Your mom wants you to make your bed each day. There's nothing wrong with that. You must eat certain types of food. Maybe you have rules in your home, kids, any of your parents have this rule? They want you to wear clean clothes each day. I mean, they would like for you not to just put on dirty drawers. And the younger ones are like, get this. But anyway, but those are things. Brush your teeth, put on deodorant, brush your hair, what kind of clothes that are acceptable. Those would be things, hopefully they're derived, but they're not God's Word in that sense. And so things can change over time with respect to those rules. but they're biblically derived. The problem becomes when we set our home rules and the things we want to facilitate peace and harmony within the home at the very same level of God's Word. And we neglect God's Word within our home, right? But we're going to sure and forced just making your bed. Now you can lie, you can manipulate, you can rebel, but you better make that bed up. Now what do you think you're teaching your children at that point? That's right. You're cleaning up tombs. That's all you're really doing. You're not shepherding the heart. And the problem begins when we fail to make a distinction between the man-made temporary rules. Kids, don't you go home tonight and say, well, Mr. Gardner said I don't have to make up my bed. That ain't what I said. Don't you twist my words. The issue is we want to make sure we're holding up God's standard. And so if I'm dealing with some other issues, now the not obeying the rules is indicative that there's a problem in the other column in it. Okay. And so this is what I think leads to children who think that the biblical commands are antiquated, rigid, even nitpicky. Because you're comfortable as parents, and I think a lot of this happens, because you're not familiar with God's Word, you focus on things you know. And you might even make up Bible verses. Is it getting a little hot in here? Cleanliness is next to godliness. I've heard that one several times as I look at a pile of my socks or whatever by my bed, right? But remember, we got to proclaim God's Word, right? Alright, I'm having a little fun with this, but I want you to understand the seriousness of it. Let's not be raising little Pharisees up. And I think if you'd at least think about it for a moment, you'd agree with me. The reason at times we may hold our rules up over God's rules is because we just don't know God's Word. And so we're comfortable enforcing, we're comfortable making sure these standards are being held, too, simply because we don't know God's standards. And that's a dangerous place to be, okay? And so I think we need to start thinking of this in another paradigm. We need to be thinking about how we're going to teach our children to have victory over sin. That's a different kind of walk. Kids that have lived under, and I can't tell you how many people I've met in this area who have grew up in homes where everything was respectable, but there was no true victory over sin. They never realized it because they weren't ever taught. And so when we talk about the ability to realize victory over sin, a lot in this area do not get it. And so they justify sin because they've never been taught how to see victory over sin. They live under legalism, not the transforming power of a living home where God's law was made the supreme and His law was properly used to drive them where? How do we lawfully use the law? to drive our kids back. I want my kids to understand, I can't live that. I know you can't, but there's one who can enable you. I want to drive you to Him. I want to introduce you to Him. That's how we prepare our kids for the gospel. Remember, Christ contended with the same kind of legalism in His day. The scribes and the Pharisees, they held to their traditions. They put their traditions and made them binding on the people as the same level as the scriptures. One wrote it this way, he says, "...it may not have been wrong for them to follow their man-made applications of the Scriptures, but as soon as they imposed their man-made traditions on others, teaching these rules as though they were obligatory as God's laws, they became bound up in legalism." And the same is true with our children. So, it was to those leaders that did not distinguish between the man-made rules from the God-breathed commandments that Christ, afterwards, remember what he called them, hypocrites? Turn to Matthew 15 and I'll end with this. And he quotes out of Isaiah. Isaiah had the very same problem in his day. But Jesus quotes from Isaiah in Matthew 15. Look at verse 8. This people honors me with their lips, but notice their heart is far from me. In vain do they worship me, teaching them the doctrines, the commandments of men. Be careful we don't do this within our own home. Make sure we don't frustrate and provoke our children to wrath by bringing our man-made rules to them, but denying them the life-changing power of the gospel and God's law, His perfect holy standard before them. Okay? So, once again, I want you to see here that don't let your home be a home where your rules reign supreme at the exclusion of God's law. Don't take the easy path. The easy path is to conform external behaviors. What we want to do is learn how to shepherd the heart, and we shepherd the heart by training them in righteousness from God's Word.