We come in our second study this morning of shall we date. We're asking the question of how is it that someone is to move from singleness into the married life? Does the Word of God give us direction on this? And as we come to this study, we want to begin again with Romans 12 and verse 1. I appeal to you, therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world. but be transformed by the renewal of your mind that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Surely every one of us as a believer is desirous of seeing that there would be more happy marriages connected with the churches of Jesus Christ. But when we go to build a house, we often have to do some work on the lot before we actually start building. There may be trees that are right there where we're going to build and they have to be taken out. There may be some invasive species there that we want to remove. There may be a bunch of poison ivies, stinging nettles, and the thorn bushes, and it's best to just come in with the dozer and scrape all of that off to the side and have our place where we want to build our happy marriage house. In our first study, we did something of a bulldozer approach with a critique of contemporary American dating. We saw the relatively recent innovation of American dating with major changes coming at the turn of 1900, those for the next 20 years, and then we saw as well the characteristic parental abdication in American dating, the dominant emotional subjectivity in American dating, the recreational nature of American dating, the irresponsibly premature timing in American dating, the widespread sexual participation in American dating. And this is why I make the appeal that we not be conformed to the world. We need to look out at the world and see, is this something that is good? Is this the will of God? Or is this something that I need to bulldoze and push to the side? And lest we have an attitude of, well, whatever is there is perfectly fine for us. Keep in mind that things have radically changed from what American dating and courting and calling were like prior to 1940. And the divorce rate since that time to now is 250% worse. There may be a connection. So this morning in our second study, we want to look primarily at various biblical methods. Dr. Alan Bloom was a professor of political philosophy who taught at Yale, Cornell, Toronto, Paris, and the University of Chicago. Out of his 40 years of teaching college students, Bloom identified several waves that are destructive of marriage. This is not a reform nor even a Christian assessment and critique of the relatively recent attack on marriage in our country. The first wave that he identifies is self-centeredness. Neither war nor tyranny nor want has hardened them, our young people, or made demands on them. Students are free of most constraints. Their families make sacrifices for them without asking for much in the way of obedience or respect. The second wave, according to Dr. Bloom, was the sexual revolution that began in the 1960s, was facilitated with the rise of pornography, the contraceptive pill, and abortion on demand. It's amazing to think how these things have come in since the 1960s, and no wonder there has been a change in our society. The kind of cohabitations that was dangerous in the 20s, risque in the 30s and 40s, became as normal as membership in the Girl Scouts. A third wave that was destructive of marriage is feminism. It was much more a liberation from nature than societal convention. Central to the feminist project is the suppression of modesty. The children are to be had on the female's terms with or without father, fathers who are not to get in the way of a mother's free development. So we have reproduction without family if family includes the presence of a male who has any kind of definite function in the family. Dr. Bloom gives a fourth wave that was destructive of marriage, divorce. The frequency of divorce in America indicates that people are not made to live together. Everyone loves himself most, but wants others to love him more than they love themselves. Isn't that ironic? Children of divorced parents then become self-protective, which in turn damages the marriage relationship. Oh no, here we go. In the direction of my parents, it's going to happen. Well, thank you, Dr. Bloom, for helping us to see the immense dangers to marriage from these four huge destructive waves. For the remedy, we now pivot to the Word of God. Surely, as we consider the massive and destructive waves crushing in on the coastline of marriage, we don't want our marriages, your marriages, the marriages of those that are dear to you, to be undone by the unrelenting waves of anti-biblical thought. Well, if you care to use your handout sheet, Roman numeral one, we want to look at the danger of overzealous overreaction. Some, very much aware of those waves that are crashing in, say, we've got to do something to stop that. We've got to be different. And there is, first of all, Roman numeral one, the danger of a zealous overreaction in dating. First of all, A. The pendulum swing in courting terminology. Things are so bad in the dating world we can't even use the term dating. But dating is just a term. It means that a guy and a gal with some romantic interest make an appointment to spend time together. Now, how they spend that time together can either be very, very pleasing to God or very, very displeasing to God. When author Phillips says, somewhere between first spending time together and becoming engaged to be married, a man and a woman must normally have a relationship. In one way or another, the couple is dating. Like it or not, our language needs a term to describe the situation of a man and a woman who are not married and not yet engaged, but who are involved in a romantic relationship that involves some level of exclusivity. The word for this in the English language is dating. And some say, well, we can't use the term date. Let's use the term court. But the term court comes from a practice hundreds of years ago when a knight would attach himself to the court, prove himself, and then would seek out one of the noble wives for him to have an adulterous relationship. And now in our day, with courtship supposedly being the term for some for a number of years, now there's a critique of the term courtship. And we've got to have a different term. One author has seen a young woman in multiple courtship relationships with four different guys and she still isn't married, so there's something wrong with this methodology, so we're gonna get rid of the term of court. He calls his system betrothal and defines it as a covenant relationship that defines the process between singleness and marriage. The covenant is irrevocable as marriage, no breaking up, but it does not authorize physical union. The betrothal period is a season of preparation for marriage, particularly preparation of your heart. To break a betrothal is sin. You can kind of see how he's reaching back and says, well, Joseph and Mary did something like this. But he doesn't bring over the payment of the dowry nor the slain covenantal goat. Are you a little bit nervous about an arrangement that comes in and the couple is locked in and it's sin if they break up? Well, what is my point? The most important issue is not the shibboleth, the verbal test, as to which word we use. Visiting. back in the 1900s. Calling, 1920s. Dating, courting, betrothal. Is one term more spiritual than another? The important issue is the meaning and the methodology more than the term. Mulvihill. Don't get hung up on one method. Arranged marriages, courting, and dating are all methods that different cultures at different times in history have used to help young people arrive at marriage. Each of them has been used successfully to the glory of God, as well as misused and abused. The issue isn't dating versus courting. It's why and how a person dates or courts. What is the purpose of dating? Well, date to find your mate. Use dating as a discerning process for marriage. The goal of dating is clarity. Its intention is marriage. Its danger, intimacy. Its requirements, being equally yoked. So there can be a potential pendulum swing in the terminology. There can be a potential pendulum swing in the methodology, in the procedures. For some, there's a detailed right procedure for talking to dad. Maybe even before you really know if you're interested in this young lady, you need to get dad's permission. as to whether or not you can be interested in this young lady. Some feel as though their methods have fallen out of heaven, and they're very plain inferences that they can make, but that is not the same as an explicit methodology found in a particular chapter in the Bible. The single young woman is to make every effort to avoid working out in society, lives at home until she is married, no physical contact until the wedding day, no kissing, no holding of hands, no embracing, no being alone at all. Group settings are emphasized. There's always a sibling, parent, or friend who must accompany. Letters are to be written longhand, to be read aloud in the presence of the suitor. Some speak of a binding engagement, and you court for a relatively short period of time, generally a four-month period. Maybe it's as long as six months. but a pastor friend told me of a young woman who's coming towards the end of the four months, and she hadn't made up her mind yet, and the young man was putting pressure on her. The clock is running. You need to decide what you're going to do. Thirdly, C, practical considerations. Let's be quick to recognize the practical wisdom and biblical truth that lies behind much. of the courtship methodology. Here we are not bulldozing. Here we are picking up a tree with a big machine digging up. We're picking it up and we're moving it over here. We can keep it, but it's just not right in its balance. No physical contact can be inferred from Romans 13, 14, making no provision for the flesh. No being alone at all can be inferred from 1 Thessalonians 4, where there was the desire to maintain holiness in the relationship. Secondly, by practical consideration, let's be quick to recognize that zealous Christians can often be susceptible to a well-organized manual. This is what the dating procedure is. This is what the courting procedure is. This is what the betrothal methodology is. Good, I don't have to wrestle with the biblical material. I can just turn to my manual and see what comes next. I trust that most of us know of Jim and Elizabeth Elliot. They were missionaries to the tribal people in Ecuador, and Jim was martyred for his faith. Jim and Elizabeth met at Wheaton, served in various capacities together. Jim said to Elizabeth, right there at their senior year, just about the time of graduation, I want to marry you if I get married. Because of the dangers associated with his life mission, the fact that he still had to do language school before he could even go and get a sense of how dangerous it was, they waited several years. They violated the courtship methodology, violated the rules. But were they wrong? Number three, let's be quick to depend on the grace of God in our hearts rather than having the right program. Whatever program you and I use, we are stained by sin. We all need God's grace, whatever methodology we employ. Now come with me, having looked at the danger of zealous overreaction, Roman numeral two, the diversity, diversity of biblical methods in dating. I have heard someone say, our family is going to court the biblical way, and that's just the problem. What is the biblically right way to go about this? First of all, A, let's look at instances of strong parental initiation. You remember from our reading, Abraham and his interaction there with his servant Eliezer. It's not recorded for us that dad went to Isaac and said, hey, Isaac, is it okay with you if I talk to Eliezer? No, it's Eliezer, this is what you need to do. This is where you need to go. Abraham, the dad, is the key initiator. Eliezer, the employee, is the key actor. Bethuel, the bride-to-be's dad, Laban, her brother, are key participants. They give their approval, it seems, before Rebecca has been asked. Rebecca has veto power. Isaac, the man, is the least involved person in the whole process. And that ought to give us some pause. I mean, Isaac could tell us, hey, picking a wife is easy. This is a way that everybody ought to do it. If we're going to absolutize this methodology as the biblical method, then dads, you should be comfortable with me coming to you and saying, hey, my name is Fred, I work for Mr. Big in Nebraska, and Mr. Big is looking for a wife for his son. And so far, I've picked out your daughter as the best one because of the way she quickly greeted me and the way she washed my car. And so here's a nose ring, and here are some bracelets, and I'd like her to go with me tomorrow back to Nebraska. Do you have any reservations about that kind of relationship? Well, let's shop around a little bit more in the Bible for the biblically right methodology. And so now let's look at Isaac and Rebekah's involvement for Jacob. And we have to remember that Isaac, as the dad, was deceived by Rebekah's wife. Now Isaac starts it off by having his favoritism for Esau when he knew something of God's favoritism. Rebecca ends up deceiving her husband. Jacob, the son, I think lies to dad seven times, if I'm remembering from having preached it decades ago. Esau's marriages are particularly vexing to Rebekah, but at any rate, dad, Isaac, who was so passive, now becomes very, very active, and he says, I don't want you to marry into this whole group of families, and I want you to take a daughter from Laban, your mother's brother. So here, Jacob is sent off some 500, 600 miles away from dad and mom, living with that family where he is to find a wife. And there may be lessons for us in this, but Isaac, who was so extremely passive himself, Rebekah shows up and they get married. And now Jacob has to be very active traveling this distance and carrying on dealings with a guy who is better at twisting and deceiving than what he is. A, strong parental involvement. B, instances of a young man's strategic initiation. Deuteronomy 21, 10 through 14, talks about a man who gets a wife from the war captives. And it's basically, he sees someone and he takes her. Judges 14, 1 through 11, Samson says to his dad, to his dad and mom, I've seen a girl, and she pleases me, get her to be my wife. The remaining Benjamite men, the horrible war, civil war takes place in Israel, and all the tribe of Benjamin is wiped out, but 600 men, they find 400 wives from this city, and yet there are 200 men that are left. And so these 200 young men are told to go watch the dance, Judges 21, 17 through 21, And as the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in the dances, they come out of the vineyards and snatch each man his wife from the daughters of Shiloh and go to the land of Benjamin. Now we give these young men, we give them credit for their initiative. But I hope you have some reservation about this being the proper biblical method. There is further, David desiring Abigail. And we read in 1 Samuel 25, verse 39 through 42, David sent and spoke to Abigail to take her as his wife. When the servants of David came to Abigail and Carmel and said to her, David has sent us to take you to him as his wife. Wonderfully romantic. The proverbial young man who finds a woman, Proverbs 18, 22. He finds a woman, finds a wife, finds a good thing, and obtains favor from God. King Lemuel was very involved. His mother gives him directions. She warns him about the wrong kind of woman, and then describes to him the right kind. But Lemuel's to take that information and do something with it. Thirdly, C, instances of a young woman's strategic initiation. Deuteronomy 25, seven to nine. Here is the account of when someone's wife dies. The man who dies, he's got a younger brother. That younger brother is to marry the wife. But he has to say in it. If he doesn't want to, so here is a situation where she can go to the younger brother and say, I want you to marry me. And if he doesn't want to do it, The wife shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, pull a sandal off his foot, and spit in his face. It is a biblical method. Ruth approaching Boaz. Naomi says, you want this guy for your husband? You need to find protection. And so she uncovers the feed, she lies down, and that's how that process goes. Now the varying circumstances of the Bible mirror the various circumstances that may be in our day. Holland writes, why do some argue that we should imitate the Isaac story in Genesis 24 when few, if any, suggest that the pattern in Ruth 3 should be an example for us today. We find further a young woman, McCall, letting her love for David be known to her father. She loves David. Her affection gets leaked to someone that eventually gets back to dad, to King Saul, who's happy to know it and is going to use it. to try and kill David. Now, I'm not suggesting that any one of these methods is right. I'm not suggesting that a young woman should take the initiative, just text a guy and say, will you marry me? But there are these various methods. There's fourthly D, instances of little parental involvement. David's parents would have had little influence over his marriage to McCall, Saul's daughter, his first marriage. David's parents would have had little influence over his marriage to Abigail. What about Joseph marrying Asenath down in Egypt? Joseph's dad, Jacob, didn't even know that Joseph was alive, let alone that he was getting married to Asenah. E, practical cautions. Beware of absolutizing any one category of biblical methodology. The Bible does not give us one chapter in the Bible where God has pulled every principle that we need for marriage and it's set down explicitly in that one chapter. Someone could say, I like dad sending the hired hand to find a girl from several hundred miles away. It's got a certain mystery to it. As a guy, I may like the idea of going to the dance floor. and trying to outrun my buddy to get to that particular girl. Some countries and cultures absolutize parental contracts. Jewish communities employed a matchmaker that worked with the parents. And I believe that a young lady could turn one guy down And then she would have to accept the next one that was proposed. You better look down the line, see who's coming next. A number of Christians react to the evils of American dating with a detailed courtship procedure or the betrothal method And each of these at times can claim to be the biblical method. However, all of these biblical methods cannot be the one right biblical method. Some of these biblical methods almost contradict one another. Holland, again. Many people are more passionate about the process they use than the person God has called them to be. Oftentimes method is emphasized over theology. Process is emphasized over personal maturity. Now having any method at all is probably better than just stumbling into marriage. But we find a variety of biblical methods of a guy and a gal coming to marriage, Some of these biblical methods are nearly contradictory to one another. The Bible does not provide a one-size-fits-all. Our lives are too different, our circumstances too unique, our God too creative to have only one method of bringing a believing guy and gal together. Beware of absolutizing. Secondly, beware of concluding that the Bible has nothing to say on courtship today. The diversity of biblical methods is so confusing. I'm just going to go along with what the world is already doing. You may like to turn to 2 Timothy 3 and verse 16 and 17. You may get frustrated that God hasn't pulled all the material together and put it in one chapter. But don't get frustrated. Don't get conformed to the world. All scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. Is marriage a good work? Yes. then there's enough direction in the Bible to get us from point A of singleness to point B of happy marriage. Overreaction, diversity, Roman numeral three now, the propriety, the fittingness of parental involvement in dating. Many cultures are marked by a well-defined method. Courting almost always has parental involvement. There's a community in Spain, Sierra Spain, Southern Spain, that has courtship starting out at the window or the door. The guy stays on the outside of the house, the girl is on the inside of the house. Either the door is open, maybe a half door, like a barn door, half of it opens. or the window is open, but the gal is on the inside. It's the parent's home. It's under their supervision. It's under their direction. But early parental involvement does not mean arranged marriages. Early parental involvement does not necessarily mean that the guy must talk to the gal's dad before he really knows if he likes her or not. So why ought there to be early parental involvement? Several reasons. The first, A, because of the exhortations of seeking and heeding wise counsel. The book of Proverbs, let the wise hear and increase in learning, the one who understands obtain guidance. If somebody is living at home, one of their counselors ought to be the parents who own that home. If you are still financially dependent on your parents, then even without an explicit scripture, you would have something of a responsibility of listening to them. Make war with wise counsel, and marriage is a big deal like war. Without counsel, plans fail, but with many advisors, they succeed. Further, generally speaking, your parents ought to be on your list of counselors. They've been through it before. Listen to James. What do your spiritually-minded friends think? And he goes on, he describes a young woman and a young man And the parents and the pastors of both churches, of both sides of the couple, they didn't see something of the difficulty. But those who were in college with them saw the character of this woman where she would be very nice in public and she would be a little witchy in private. And these friends came to the guy and said, please don't do this. And it was just a matter of a few years later, the young man was stopping seminary because his marriage was on the rocks. The friends saw what even parents did not see. The advice, the input of others, pastors, One recommends that if you have parents that are not biblical in their thinking and they want you to marry for prestige or money, that if you're gonna go against those parents, then you better have the direction that is coming from at least your pastor and others in the church. Why? for parents getting involved, seeking and heeding counsel generally. Secondly, B, because of the exhortations of obeying and honoring parents. Exodus 20, verse 12, honor your father and your mother. Proverbs 1, verse 8, hear my son, your father's instruction and forsake not your mother's teaching. Proverbs 31.10, Lemuel's mother said, here is the wrong kind of woman, watch out for her. Don't get messed up with her, it's gonna hurt you. And then here is a 22-letter acrostic describing the right kind of woman. There's very much an involvement on the part of the parents. Mulvihill. You should also be zealous to keep your teenage child discerning whether someone is marriage material or not. How you do this is key. Careful comments, thoughtful comments, clarifying questions, and listening ears are all good methods to use. and young people. After all, who's the better judge of character and compatibility for marriage? Someone who has been married for many years and gone through the dating process or someone who has never dated before and never been married before? Proverbs is given oftentimes by a parent saying, my son, my son, my son. And if that dad raises a red flag, then dad should be listened to. It's got to be carefully considered. These couples, Perrin and Harmon, these couples should not listen to any advice that directly opposes scripture. Our loyalty must be to Jesus over even our families, and his word must govern the direction of our relationship. Before you take the next step in your relationship, share your parents' concerns with your pastor in your church. Thirdly, why parental involvement? because of the general pattern of family involvement in the choice of a life partner. Listen to something of the biblical evidence. Abraham was involved. Maybe involved in a way that you don't necessarily want, but he was involved. Isaac, as a dad, was fairly involved. Not any girls from this whole region, this country. but a girl from this family, fairly involved. The mother's involved. Rebecca, Jacob, you can't marry one of these women. King Lemuel, his mother. Naomi giving advice to Ruth, Ruth, I want you to be married. This is how we go about it here. Get cleaned up from having worked in the fields and go down there and uncover his feet. and see what happens. The brother's involvement, Rebecca's brother Laban says, yeah, you can take her before they ask her. Concerning the young men who were, young women who were stolen at the dance in Shiloh. When their families come, when their fathers and their brothers come to complain to us, listen, we have a responsibility here, and you totally ignored our responsibility in this process. Grimmond, date in community. Don't make dating decisions on your own. Date in a way that involves people you trust who know you, people who can share godliness and wisdom with you. This can include older, wiser people from your church. It should also include parents, as well as older siblings and other relatives who can help. Ask them to share your strengths and weaknesses and readiness for a relationship. If they know the other person, ask them what they think of the possibility of a relationship with this person, and would these two people be good? In particular, ask them to give you advice with the key question in mind, will dating this person be good for both of us in loving and following Jesus? Young person. If a guy or gal doesn't want you to date in community, and he defines that community, parents, godly Christians, your friends, older family members. If a guy or gal pressures you to hide your relationship from your family, there is something wrong. Now, if you're a believer living in a Muslim country, then maybe we can rethink that statement. D, because of the dominant biblical pattern of fathers giving their daughters in marriage. Luke 17, 27, they were eating and drinking and marrying and giving, being given in marriage until the day when Noah entered the ark. It's not an explicit statement, it's just saying the time of Noah It was the normal thing for a daughter to be given, for parents to be involved in this process. 1 Corinthians 7, 38. He who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better. It sounds like that dad has some measure of say in it. Do you feel the weight of these passages? I'm not saying that your parents are to pick out your life partner. I'm urging you to have parental involvement early on in the relationship. Mulvihill, father your daughter needs you. You have a God-given role as protector over her. Don't leave your daughter to fend for herself. Instead, help her to send off and fend off the wrong guys to protect her purity and select a spouse biblically. This applies to sons as well. If you want to make sure your son or daughter's dating days are a success, then have parental influence during this time. It is one of the most important investments that you can ever make in your child. E, practical notes. Parents, do all that you can to have a significant and valuable input in your child's selection of his or her spouse. Mulvihill again. Parents who are emotionally or physically distant during the early years of a child's life can't flip a switch during the child's teen years and hope that he or she will welcome a vastly different parenting approach. Parents who do not establish good lines of communication during preteen years condition their children to communicate in a certain way during their teen years. Parents with a limited interest in their children at one stage of life may find that their children have a limited interest in their parents' involvement at a later stage of life. There is no shortcut to building and maintaining a strong relationship with your child. It takes work and it takes time. Young person, are you resistant to having your parents involved? Examine that. Are you resistant to pretty much anyone giving you advice? I hope that this is not an indication that you are proud and do not like advice that ultimately is coming from God. If so, then there's much more important business than being on the same page with your parents regarding this guy, that girl. You need to be on the same page with the God who made you and offers you forgiveness through the mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ. Let's pray. Father, we do want our young people to love you from the heart. We do want our young people to be happily married. We want those happy marriage houses. We pray, Lord, that you would take the reading of these various passages And we pray that as we think through these matters, that you would take these biblical principles and that you would guide us and that you would give help to the end. that there would be happy and useful marriages that come from the context of this room and for those who are listening to this study. Please take your word, own it, bless it, and we pray that you would get glory to yourself through happy marriages in Christ's name.