Taking your notes out for our Bible study tonight Let's pray before we do this God in heaven once again I'm asking for your help. We thank you for your word. We thank you for your mind this I Portion of your infinite mind that you share with us in this in this printed book that we have for us to know you Everything we need to know about you and need to know about us and how we can Live our lives in a way that would bring honor and glory to you Everything that's in this book Lord will take a lifetime for us to actually do And so tonight as we dig a little bit more into this concept of biblical friendships, help us to have more understanding, help us to approach this with humility. And just a willingness to look at it through your eyes Instead of ours and our cultures and the way we were brought up in Jesus name. Amen Okay, so Genesis 1 last week we started there God speaking in Genesis chapter 1. He said let us make man a God, the Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost, there's the Trinity, okay? They weren't all God, but they were all God, but they were all separate, but they were all God, but they were all separate. Don't ask me to explain it further, okay? I know that they were all separate, and I know they were all God because God said so. So there it is. We'll just take it for God's, you know, take God at his word, and that's the way it is. So you look at God, the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. How do you think they got along? I'm guessing they got along pretty good, right? They never had any issues or offenses or anything like that. That's what we call the Trinity. They've always existed, okay? Forever they have existed. Each member of that Trinity existing in Perfect communion, perfect fellowship, perfect motivations with the other ones in the Trinity. Kind of describes our friendships, right? Yeah, chuckle, chuckle on that. Okay, so that's what we had. Genesis 1, God said, let us, that Trinity, that perfect picture of communion, Then man was made as a result. In Genesis chapter 1, he says we were made in the image of God. So we were actually made in the Garden of Eden before sin, before chapter 3 came into existence. Man's in the Garden of Eden. God created man. He created woman to be with man to do what? Do you remember? Not, don't say just procreate, that was part of it, but what else? To fellowship with God and to tend and keep the garden, yes, and I heard it, and if others were saying it, I heard hers, to be a picture of God, to reflect the image of God. We were made in the image of God. It tells us that in Genesis 127. So what is the image of God? We are to reflect God's image. That's what an image does. It reflects the original image bearer, and that's not just Not just his attributes like we might normally think we're supposed to reflect God's attributes of love and forgiveness and he made us in his image. So we also were created with emotions because God has emotions, but also the image of God, God. The Trinity, this perfect trifecta of relationships, you might say, we were made to reflect that image as well. in our relationship. So God gave Eve to Adam, and yes, to tend and keep the garden, to procreate, but also to reflect that image of God. Adam could not have reflected the image of God living by himself on the earth. Not the complete image, because he was lacking Eve in order to do that. And then what happened? Chapter 3 happened. Sin. Wow. Changed everything. It took something that was perfectly natural, relationships that were perfect, Adam and Eve, and turned them into something that was anything but perfect. Something that, in fact, some people try to avoid the R word, relationships, because there's so much work. Wow! God created this whole relationship thing. He didn't create it. He is relationship. Always has been. And He created us in that image to do that. It was being done until sin. And now, people, some, maybe many people don't even want to mess with relationships because they're too hard. Biblical friendship. It's a, I'm going to use a term that you've maybe have never heard when it comes to friendships. It's a spiritual discipline. I have a book in my library written, the author's last name is Whitney. It has to do with spiritual disciplines. of the Christian life. I think Sunday school classes have gone through that in years past. And different spiritual disciplines, these are things that as Christians we should be doing and the book goes through all of these different disciplines like Bible reading and praying is a discipline and worship and evangelism and serving and stewardship and meditating Friendships. Biblical friendships is a spiritual discipline because it is something that we are supposed to be doing if we're going to reflect the image of God with our lives. It isn't something that we can choose to do if we want to because if we choose not to, We're choosing to not reflect the complete image of God. So where are we after Genesis chapter 3? Where does that leave us? The assignment that I emailed back to you all earlier today. What does it take to have a good friend? I think I worded that question strategically, but we'll see what your answers are. What does it take to have a good friend? What are some of your ideas? Oneness of spirit. What else? Another person. Thank you. Perfect. Time. Okay. Okay. Commonality. What else? Trust. Yep. Very good. What else? Love. Yep. Thank you, Karen. Okay? Any other ideas? What does it take to have a good friend compared to a regular friend? Communication? Are you sure about that? Okay. You mean we got to talk to each other? All right. Let me write that down. And what? Respect. Yes, respect for each other, right? Yep. Perfect. Can you think of anything else? Humility, okay? That's right. In all of my relationships, if the other person was more humble, we'd get along much better, right? Honesty. I think we'll put that with trust. Someone mentioned trust earlier. Okay. So what could you not have a good friend without? I heard trust, right? Okay. If you don't have trust, you can't have a good friend, right? What else? Anything else you could not have a good friend without? Faith. Okay. All right. Yes. Another willing person. Very good. Yep. Okay, how about this? What would be the other question there? What would be a deal breaker in a friendship? Betrayal. I heard that. Okay. A Christian lifestyle. Oh, thank you, I did totally say that wrong, didn't I? A Christian lifestyle? Forget it, you're not my friend. Non-Christian lifestyle, deal breaker, okay? Anything else? So we heard betrayal, non-Christian lifestyle. Okay. We'll put that with betrayal because that's kind of in that vein of betrayal, lack of trust. Selfishness. Okay. All right. Okay. Anything else? I'm not going to make any suggestions because I don't want to plant ideas here. And the other one's always taking. Oh, that's good. That's good. Yeah. And I don't know if you remember. Oh, man, it's been a little while ago. I did a done a series on stewarding our, our life. And there was a section in there on friendships. And and you you have those people are called drainers. All they do is just suck energy from you, and they don't give you anything in return, okay? Potential deal breaker there. Any other hands? Okay, with all of those thoughts out there now, let me just say this. There's no necessarily wrong or right answers here. What I wanted to do with those questions is just to get our thoughts out there for us to see and hear how we think when it comes to friendships. Because as the weeks go by, my prediction is how we think about friendships is really going to change. Okay, so let's look at what sin left us after Genesis chapter 3, and we're going to take friendships and break them into three general categories. I think most of our friendships can fit into one of these three categories. There might be some overlap, most likely there is between different categories, but these are the three main ones. Here's the first one, social media friendships. Remember last week 4,999 friends on Facebook. Boom. And then I go into my, my Twitter world. Ooh. Okay. And I have even more friends there in my Instagram friends and whatever other ones are out there. Um, technology, it is an amazing tool. But technology has created this category of friendships. It has its own category now. It has this category of friendships that is a not real substitute for friendships. Okay? All of these conveniences and advances in technology that we have, they're supposed to connect us with people, right? We stay connected through social media accounts. But yet, the studies show the result is that people are still lonely and depressed, even though they're connected with 4,999 friends. And that's just on their one social media account. And then they can open a second one with the same app under a different name and have even more friends if they wanted. But yet, we were built by God for intimacy and relationships. He built us for that. Technology has offered these substitutes as a way to make relationships easier. And it does, okay? You can be connected to everyone, friends with everyone that you never used to be friends with. Consider what this writer wrote about this. She said, people are comforted by being in touch with a lot of people but carefully kept at bay. We can't get enough of one another if we can use technology to keep one another at distances that we can control. Now, think about that. Not too close, not too far, just right. And what is just right? Well, however, I set my preferences on my social media accounts. I can determine how close people will be and how far I want to keep them. And folks, even at night, if you try to send me a text, my preferences are ignore. Don't text me at night. I won't hear it. I have it shut off after 10 o'clock. Emails shut off after 10 o'clock. If you need me, call me. That's the phone number thing, where you actually hear a voice and talk, OK? And that's what I do to control some of that access. Now, this is starting, I think, what this author said, it's starting to get to the core of the problem with this category of social friendships. And the core of it is this. Sinful desire to control. Wait, think about it. We want friendships, but on our timetable, our terms of agreement, our preferences that aren't going to move us out of our comfort zone. One technology journalist shared the observation that his, he used air quotes, his friends are always, and maybe your friends are like this too on social media, they're always, he says, somewhere better than he is, they're always happier than he is, and they're always happier all the time. He writes this, quote, my life isn't like that. And I start feeling the pangs of inadequacy and jealousy. And these people are supposed to be my friends. And now, on top of that, we have AI. Are you familiar with AI? It just stands for artificial intelligence, okay? But they also have AI friends. or AI bots, where you can go on to several different providers or sites, and you can build your own friend, AI friend. And you can talk to it, you can set all the preferences that you want, that they offer, okay? You can, and the more you talk to it, the more it learns you, and it knows your emotions, and it says things to you, to cater to your emotions, you know, pretty much it's going to tell you what you want to hear. Now, you think that would really catch on? Well, right now, right now, the average amount of time that people with AI friends spend talking to their AI friend is an average of two hours every day. Talking to someone isn't even real. Digital connections and the sociable robot, they offer the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. The question was put out there What does it cost to have a good friend? Remember your answers from before? OK. Time, commonality, communication, trust, love, respect, humility. Those are the answers you gave me before. It costs to have a friendship, a good friendship. and these social friendships are an illusion of something that isn't real. Let's move on to category number two, specialized friendships is what we'll call that. The first category, here's what that first category does, it sacrifices intimacy and vulnerability for the illusion of companionship. This category takes relationship and reduces it down to a common activity or interest. We tend to compartmentalize our lives, don't we? And we do the same thing with our friendships. We compartmentalize our friendships. So I have my deer hunting friends, okay? And Karen is not one of my deer hunting friends. She has no clue about deer hunting and doesn't care to have a clue about it. Okay? And Kathy has her quilting friends. Okay? Her little quilting group. And we see how we compartmentalize. We have our friends at work. We have our church friends. We have these friends and those friends, and we compartmentalize them. But we could probably break them up into two areas, our specialized friendships. One is based on our stage of life. College students with college students. Young marrieds with young marrieds. Mothers of preschoolers with mothers of preschoolers. Senior saints with senior saints. Compartmentalized friendships. Imagine senior saints with mothers of preschoolers. Do you think everyone would think, oh yeah, that would work? Do you think that everyone would think that? I think not everyone would think that that would work. So why wouldn't everyone think that that would work? A senior saint, friends with a mother of a preschooler. Why wouldn't everyone think that would work? Different stage of life, yes. Yeah, okay, okay. And some of it goes to our preconceived ideas, whether we're brought up with that or culture has taught us this. And it was one of the things mentioned earlier commonality Okay, well a senior saint and a mother of preschool. They don't have anything in common So they couldn't be friends But what does it say biblically in Titus the older? Relationally connected with the younger and there's a friendship there, okay So it is possible, but we tend to compartmentalize our friendships these These kinds of groupings, let me just say this, they're not wrong. Okay? They're absolutely not wrong. But we can't let them define our perspective of friendship. Because if you don't have anything in common with the person, then you can't be friends with them. If they're not in your stage of life, I should say. God intends for biblical friendships to flow out of Not our stage of life, but our relationship with Christ. Not social demographics, okay? Second one, common interests. These are the common denominators of many friendships. Not wrong, they just fall short of what God intended for biblical friendships. Biblical friendships We're not even going to start defining it tonight But let me just give you one little caveat here or one little nugget biblical friendships do not discriminate Because well, they're not in our stage of life, or I don't have anything in common with them Just a thought to tuck away in your mind there. I Let me give you an example, a group of moms as a group or someone who doesn't have any children. Well, I guess they can't be friends, can they? Or maybe their children are grown. And now they can't be friends with ladies who have children anymore. Or how about organized sports? Okay, some of you, mostly guys, are big into sports. And when your sport season starts, you're all over it. And you've got three games on different TVs at home all at the same time so you can keep track of what's going on, the baseball game, the basketball brackets, the fantasy football leagues or whatever. I don't really care. I'm not an organized sports guy, okay? So, I guess, what does that, where does that leave me? I have nothing, I don't have that commonality with other men that are like that. Some, some ladies, okay, divide up by personalities. Sometimes women with one preference or personality don't think they can relate to anyone else. Or other ladies that don't have their personality, they don't get them because they just don't relate because they're different. You can think of your own examples, and you know how a person could feel. Because whether you don't fit in with an organized sports crowd, or you're not a mom, or your personality isn't the same as these, you know how that can make a person feel. Inadequate. Like they don't belong. And what happens with this relationship if there is one based on commonality? What happens to that relationship when the commonality is gone? Here's what it said, and you hear this in marriages a lot. We're no longer compatible. And that is a key phrase for a relationship that was built on commonality, what they have in common, based on the algorithms that they plugged in all their likes and dislikes and got matched with someone else with the same likes and dislikes, and, oh, we're perfect for each other, until something changes. And then we run away from that relationship. Things that I've just described here, don't they describe the Trinity? That's sarcasm. Of course, they don't. Something is perhaps wrong with our perspective on friendships because a healthy perspective on the true nature of, here it is again, biblical friendship allows people with different strengths, different preferences, different life stages to still be able to form deep and meaningful relationships. Just something to consider as we move on. A friendship that is sought purely for what it can give the all-important Me. That is the most evil kind of friendship, and that's our third category. We're going to call that the selfish friendship. That one sounds really good, doesn't it? Yikes. This is the most evil, I think, kind of friendship. What would be some selfish reasons for a person, not you, because you don't have any selfish reasons for your friendships, other people, okay? What would be some selfish reasons that other people have for desiring a friendship? Money, okay. Oh, very good, yep. Status or power, influence, Appearance. How so? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true. Okay. All right. Good. Or I want to be friends with them because they're the pretty people. Yeah. What else? Yes. Give me something. OK. So let's take that right there. OK. I'm going to be friends with them because they can give me something. OK. What are some somethings that we could get from another person? Food. Yes. Say again. Better position. Oh, they could help me out climbing the corporate ladder. Time. They can give me their time. OK. Oh, those are great answers. Anything else? Yes. Oh, and you feel needed. When you help a person who feels needy or is needy. Okay, okay, so you feel better because look at me, I'm helping them, I'm so wonderful, perhaps. Oh, that's good, that's good. I feel accepted when I have friends and this person here will help me feel better about myself. Feel accepted or whatever feeling you want to associate with that. So we've mentioned status, being flattered, Complimented, some people are good at complimenting others. And if someone needs that, they will zero in on a friendship with that person because they get compliments. When we were growing up, us six kids at home, one of my siblings During the school year, there was another person their age that lived a block or two down the road from us. During the school year, couldn't get along with them, this other person down the road. They were evil. They were bleh, bleh, bleh. Couldn't say a good thing about them until summer came along. And when summer hit, this sibling of mine all about being friends with this person down the road because they had a pool. And us McPhillips kids, we had a garden hose. Yeah, there's no comparison there, okay? We didn't even have a sprinkler, okay? We got to spray each other with the hose. Woo! Okay. So, we can see how other people do that. They'll be friends with someone for what they can get. But now, let me just stop here. Do we do that some? Just something to, I guess, evaluate about ourselves. What happens, though, when that relationship stops providing the thing that we wanted when we started that relationship? Well, then the relationship's over, isn't it? If we don't get from it what we were wanting to get in the beginning. Folks, I've seen this. If you're a people watcher like I am, you've seen this happen, okay? I've watched interactions take place that never once took place before. between two individuals, like different common interests or different stages of life, and all of a sudden I'm like, oh, that's interesting. And then all of a sudden it stopped. And it left one person wondering, did I do something wrong? What did I say? And that wasn't it. It was the other one got what they wanted, and once they got it, we're done. So we have to be careful that that isn't in our lives, okay? That kind of a friendship is basically just a transaction. If a biblical friendship is primarily one that is Christ-centered, Then this kind of relationship is the worst kind because it's self-centered. All three of these categories, they all look good on the outside, okay? But they're not very deep. And since they're not biblical friendships, if that's what our friendships are based on, they can be discouraging. And the result is when we have discouraging relationships and you tell, well, you don't have to say this, but in your mind, okay, think about this if I'm right or wrong. The result is we tend to wall ourselves off and protect ourselves and stay distant from others because our past experiences have not been very meaningful or rewarding or deep. And no wonder, because they weren't based on a biblical friendship. Here, I thought this was interesting from author Jonathan Safran Foer. He wrote this, I believe it was published in the New York Times, on the effects of technology on friendships. He said this. He said, a funny thing happened. We began to prefer the diminished substitutes. It's easier to make a phone call than to go see someone in person, right? Leaving a message on someone's voicemail is easier than having an actual phone conversation, because you can say what you need to say without a response. Hard news is easier to leave. It's easier to check in without becoming entangled with someone. So we begin calling when we know the other person isn't going to pick up. Shooting off an email is easier still because a person can hide behind the absence of vocal inflection. And of course, there's no chance of accidentally catching someone with an email. And texting is even easier because the expectation for articulateness is further reduced. The whole concept of texting is, keep it short. Now you really don't have to open up to anyone. And another shell is offered for us to hide in. He says this, each step forward in this technology thinking has made it easier to avoid the emotional work of being present in a relationship. And then he says this, the problem with accepting preferring diminished substitutes is that over time we too become diminished substitutes. He means this, people who become used to saying little become used to feeling little. This is not cultivating biblical friendships in order to reflect the image of God. Or a person may double down and try to force these types of relationships. We're going to have these. I'm just going to force them and do everything I can to work extra hard to have these. And then what happens is those types of relationships that we've looked at, they begin to turn into an idol. James 1, verse 13, the words will be up there for us. But here's the progression. Every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust or his desires. and enticed, then when lust hath conceived, it bring forth sin, and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. There is a definite path there. Satan leads us down this path by always promising a better life in no matter what area it is. In the area of friends, he does this by getting us to make this some kind of an all-consuming goal. Paul Tripp says it this way, he says, when we make a good thing into an ultimate thing, it becomes a bad thing. With friendships, the friendship that we so desire can become our, one author called it this, a functional savior. It's it's an escape from boredom. It's a feeling of acceptance an Escape from loneliness it becomes a source of comfort That's what Jesus Christ our Savior is to provide But when we take a good thing make it the ultimate thing it becomes a bad thing It becomes a functional Savior to us healthy friendships. They are a good thing until they become an ultimate thing and And then they have replaced Christ and His grace that we get from Him. Let me give you a couple of verses, 2 Corinthians 9, verse 8, and God is able to make all grace abound to you that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work. All sufficiency in all things, to me, we could plug in there, everything that I am looking to get from someone in a friendship. Christ can provide all of that because of His grace. And then three chapters later, in chapter 12, he says, and he said unto me, God, to Paul, my grace is sufficient for thee. For my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me." These categories, the first two, technology, common interests, a Christian with a biblically shaped theology of friendships will see those things not as a substitute but as a tool to facilitate biblical friendships. And my hope is that you'll see that as we continue on. Those are good things. Technology, absolutely. Common interest, absolutely. But those are tools to help facilitate what God says is a biblical friendship. And I keep mentioning that phrase, biblical friendship. What is that? What's the purpose? for biblical friendship. Next week, we're going to start looking at those questions. So we'll stop here for tonight.