Father in heaven, we are burdened as parents for our children. We yearn to see them walk with you and we're just, we're desirous of doing what you would call us to do. Help us to be faithful. Help us to put our hope in you. Give encouragement now to parents who may be hurting or confused. We thank you that your word is sufficient in calling us to our responsibility as parents, but also helping us to understand what's happening with our children. Make this time profitable, Lord, we pray in Jesus name. Amen. The title is Parenting is More Than a Formula. And. There have been a lot of statistics, you may have seen them online or you may have seen them in books where they're pointing out that, you know, two thirds of children who grew up in church abandoned their faith in their 20s. And then, of course, people are writing books and seminars. How can we prevent this? And many parents are looking for a formula that will guarantee their kids will turn out right. And I've been observing parenting for a long time. And over many years, I've seen people putting their hope in different things, educationally. Many, many years ago, especially before the early 1960s, people looked at public education as being a place that would be founded on Christian principles, there'd be prayer and Bible reading in the schools. People even today will sometimes talk about recapturing our schools for Jesus or for God. When the public schools turned further and further away from biblical truths, more and more Christian schools sprung up, and people think, well, we're going to You know, parents made great sacrifices. They were going to put our kids in Christian schools, and it's going to cost, no matter how much it costs, that we're going to have a future generation that will, you know, we're going to invest in our kids, and they're going to be trained in these Christian schools, and they're going to turn out wonderfully. Well, then after that, People were saying that the kids who were going to the Christian schools, sometimes were a lot like the kids in the public schools, and say, well, we're going to homeschool our kids. And that's, we actually went into that, and 20, 25 years ago, that began. And various approaches, various curriculum, some will say, well, you need to use the classical curriculum. That's what's going to make your kids turn out well, or no, you need to use this one or that one. Likewise, various parenting formulas have come over the years. I remember being really excited in the 70s when Dare to Discipline came out by James Dobson. You had a psychologist who was a Christian who would say it was okay to spank your kids and even a good idea and focus on the family. I think it helped a lot of people in that way, but then over time, There were others that came out, I remember the Esso's with Growing Kids God's Way and Baby Wise and a very specific methodology, claiming to be Christians who are biblical. Bill Gothard's Institute on Life Principles, I went to that when I was a young Christian. Again, all laid out, seven steps to this, twelve steps to that, three causes of the other thing. I was thrilled with Shepherding a Child's Heart. That study is one of the best things ever written about parenting. It kind of, Dobson talked about discipline, but now he's rooting it actually somewhat in the gospel and on biblical truth. You realize that book has sold over a million copies for a guy kind of in our circles. And you've had other parenting gurus, the Pearls and others that people follow. And lately there's been something called gospel-centered parenting. There are at least two books I know that have come out in the last two years that have the word gospel and parenting in them, and grace parenting, and that's the key. And I'm going to say I really believe in gospel parenting, but it's not just another formula. And then there's church-based formulas. And back in the 1800s, there was Sunday school, mainly for lost kids. But then Christian kids came in, and Awanas, and backyard Bible clubs, and camps, and vacation Bible school, and youth groups. And again, all these things trying to kind of get our kids in danger would be sometimes the dad would say, well, I'm sending my kid to Christian schools, and a youth group, and this and that. What else do I need to do? Well, he needs to teach him at home more important than that and that's actually led them to reaction now You've got the family integrated church if it's a mirror that nobody don't want nurseries. We don't want kids programs it's only the parents who radio train the kids no youth groups and they think that's the key you need to have a family centered church and those activities for the kids and then that's why Christian kids have gone bad is because youth groups and things like that now all these formulas have strengths and You know, I think at one time public school had pretty good order and even Bible reading and prayer long enough ago. There were, I mean, there have been some very fine Christian schools with a biblically based curriculum and teachers who really care for their students and pray for them. People who accept a lower salary because they see that as a ministry. And they've had a great influence on the children there. And then likewise with homeschooling. Many parents have done an amazing job of training their kids. And some of you, I think, homeschoolers are winning the geography Bs and the spelling Bs and getting into Harvard and all these other things, which aren't the spiritual results, but there have been missionaries and pastors coming out of that. Likewise, Dobson, big, big improvement from Dr. Spock, who my parents read in the 60s. Some of you have heard of that and old enough to have heard of that. But then Ted Tripp was a great improvement on that. We're really a biblically rich gospel oriented and yet talking to the heart, not just behavior. And likewise in the church. I mean, I'm very thankful. Actually, it's kind of cool at the Gospel Coalition Conference. I met a guy named Ray Ortland Jr. Some of you have heard of him. He was the youth director when I became a Christian. at Believer's Chapel in Dallas, Texas, where S. Louis Johnson is a preacher. And I hadn't seen him in over 30 years, probably 35 years. And I went up to him, introduced myself, and thanked him. Because I didn't have a Christian dad. My mom actually became a Christian about when I did. And I was tremendously benefited by the training I got there and the model of his marriage as being fairly newly married. People have been benefited by AWANA programs and summer camps and all these. And there are some churches that don't have youth groups, and nurseries where the gospel is proclaimed, and the families together, and dads are really encouraged to be the spiritual leaders in the home. They're good things, but all of this. But these formulas have weaknesses, and some have had problems. I mean, there are kids who go into public schools, and I've even heard people say, well, you send them kind of as missionaries. Well, you send people who are mature as missionaries. And some of them aren't ready to be missionaries, and they get swept away by the world in the public schools. And some Christian schools are where those kids go after they've bombed out in the public schools, and the parents pull them out of the public schools and put them in the Christian schools where they hope for a more controlled environment that may influence all the other kids. In some Christian schools, there's a lot of bad things happening there as well with peer influence. And there are some homeschoolers who are, quite frankly, doing a really bad job. and not doing the job educationally, and not really preparing their kids for adulthood. Likewise, I think that some of the Dobsons, a lot of the discipline stuff was behaviorism without addressing the heart. It could become legalistic. Some of these parenting formulas have been divisive. I remember in the early days of our church, there was a family that was all into the growing kid God's way, Ezzo stuff, and they wouldn't let their kids play with non-Ezzo kids. Their kids have been taught this very precise thing of touch the arm, do this, that. There's like a whole formula and code. These kids, they want their kids to be confused by being with non-Ezo kids. Homeschoolers can be the way too, right? Not with other kids that aren't homeschooled because they bring in the pernicious influence of the public schools. Or you have kids who are outwardly very compliant. And then they grow up, and they go crazy. And you've raised a bunch of little Pharisees. Kept the law outwardly, but didn't have a heart change. Likewise in churches, sometimes people rely on church programs. The parents neglect training at home. They kind of think they can delegate it. Sometimes you've got kids who can rattle off 75 Iwana verses with the motive of getting that trophy that's about nine feet tall. And those verses are no more in their heart than a parrot can say the phrases. And the family integrated has been kind of a rising thing. I think it's kind of like the homeschoolers rejected the public schools. The family integrated people have rejected the traditional church with all of its programs. The saddest thing to me is they make that the big issue. I don't care if you have a nursery or a youth program. The Bible doesn't mandate or forbid either one. But it's been sad to me sometimes where the church is about being family integrated rather than being about the gospel. And I actually was invited to preach in one of these. And I love the guys who are in there. I love the families who are in there. But I would ask people, why do you go to this church? And, oh, I go because of the vision for the family. So I told my friend who's the leader, I want them to say, I come here because the gospel is here. Now, again, they're free not to have a nursery. There's nothing in the Bible commanding you have a nursery, youth program, kids programs, or forbidding. But the other problem has been sometimes, actually, I had another set of friends who were into this for a while, and they tried to plant a family-integrated church somewhere, and it didn't work out. And one reason was the wife, actually, of the couple that tried to start it said, it's like we were creating a gated community where, you know, it worked fine if you were a family with a strong dad and a mom and you were homeschooling and you had a bunch of kids. But there really wasn't room for other people to feel included, welcomed, and accepted. They didn't have the code to get past the gate, and they didn't stay long if they ever climbed the fence. The church is about the gospel. And I've seen churches divided over this. In our church, if you want to use the nursery, if your kids start screaming, take them out. You can have them in there, but, you know, be thoughtful of others. It's free. You don't have to use youth program, but don't judge other people who do. Anyway, so, but to my point also, parents who have tried these various formulas have experienced various results. And I'm not aware of any comprehensive survey of evangelical Christians, much less kind of evangelical, somewhat reformed Christians that would provide adequate data. So I'm really going on. anecdotal and kind of local survey information, but I'm not aware of any survey that proves that any one of these methods is producing better results than the other. Each system can point to people who are success stories. I'll do it now. Okay, I'm assuming most of you, if not all of you, are believers. How many of you went to public school? Incredible! That's supposed to ruin everybody, right? How many of you were homeschooled? A couple. How many of you went to Christian schools? A few of you. Now, statistically, there are more people. I'm not saying that those numbers represent how successful each one is. The point is God can save people out of all those situations. And people can rebel in all those situations. And just because family does it one way, I mean, the sad part is all the people who aren't in the room, who aren't walking with the Lord, And some of them homeschooled, some of them Christian schooled, some of those were in public schools. And I remember, actually, there was another friend of mine who was against homeschooling, and he had kids about the age of our kids and sent them to public schools for the most part. And they're doing great. We homeschooled our kids. We had devotions. We did all the stuff. And our kids right now are adults who aren't walking with the Lord. I can't merit their salvation by following some formula, even if I thought it was the best one at the time. There are examples of failure in each system. There have actually been, I've seen now, there are actually bitter ex-homeschooler blogs, where now they're in their 20s, even into their 30s now, and it's like ranting against how they were raised and embittered. So there's failure, obviously, in the public schools, Christian schools. And if you give the family-integrated people another 20 years, there'll be people coming out of that unconverted, too. I don't wish it on them, but it's going to happen. Now, the way some people get around this is proponents of a given system will blame any failure on user error. The reason why your kids have rebelled is because you didn't follow the formula adequately. And of course, having been in Galatians, that's a really easy excuse to make because none of us can follow it perfectly. None of us can keep God's law perfectly, and so you can always blame it on that. I'm never going to be a perfectly patient parent. Whatever formula you give me, if it's all Related to God's truth, I'm going to fall short in some way. Therefore, you can blame my failure or my kids failure on me and my failure to follow the formula. Nobody can really do it, although they'll in their books. I'm going to give you some quotes later that'll curl your hair or make it fall out. They claim you can. Remarkably, actually, as you read scripture, how many multigenerational success stories do you read about in the Bible? Almost none, right? You read about going through kings. What a miserable couple of books First and Second Kings are. Right? You get a good one, a bad one, a bad one, a bad one, an okay one, a bad one, a bad one. You know, back and forth you go. And you know, these people have this family vision, some of them. If you just homeschool, family integrate, Christian school, whatever, man, you're going to have generation after generation. And they'll have pictures on the cover of their magazine or their website and you'll see, wow, here's nine generations in the same family. You know, grandpa there. Whatever, you'll buy whatever number. And I'm happy, OK? If your kids are converted, I'm thrilled for you, and I thank God. And I'd love you to have that. But there are not many of these ideal families in the Bible, or even in the world. The Bible is actually primarily a source of bad examples. And it began with the first couple who had one in the beginning who was walking with the Lord, then the other one killed him. And it goes on from there. I was in 1 and 2 Samuel, and again, Eli, he's okay, but boy, his sons are bad. Well, Samuel, he's a lot better, but his sons are no good. That's one reason they called for a king. And look at David's family. And these are the good examples in the Bible of good men, and they had rough kids. You can say, well, David, you did this wrong, you did that wrong. Who did it right? And many parents go from formula to formula looking for the answer. new seminars, new ideas. Leslie Fields writes, you're parenting the best you know how, guided by the best-selling Christian books, but your children are not responding. Why are they not happy and content? What are you doing wrong? And even now, you know, I'll look online or in a and book lists, and even now, somebody comes out with a book and says, well, I know that you've done this, that, and the other, and that was pretty good, but the real problem was you didn't teach them enough about creationism. And that's the key to everything. And so there's been a book come out that it's all about creationism. And if you just explain creationism and apologetics of creationism, and if you didn't do that, it's too, oh no, my kids are grown. I didn't, I taught them creation, but I must not have done it well enough because they're not doing so well. Yeah, this is the new key. And so there's always going to be something new. You wait 10 more years, there'll be five more formulas come out saying, oh, yeah, well, this stuff you had before is pretty good, but this is really the missing link, if you will. So parents need to exercise discernment when examining these formulas. And part of this, our hearts yearn for a formula. No, I'm doing it right. It's all going to be OK. You know, in Acts 17, we talked about the Bereans who carefully examined the things that Paul was saying from the scriptures. And we need to be good Bereans. A lot of these people will tell anecdotal stories. And of course, all their stories, their formula works and others don't. And, you know, here's this family and they followed our system. They got six perfect kids, missionaries, pastors, wives. No rebellious kids. And here are these other people who didn't listen to us, and their kids are in prison, and homosexuals, and all these other things. By the way, again, you can go on the Internet. There are people connected to all those systems who have websites detracting those systems. That doesn't mean those systems are necessarily wrong. But just because they can tell a story doesn't prove their system is the most biblical system. My answer would be, I'm really glad God showed you grace in spite of your system. And there's sometimes the scripture they use doesn't prove what they're claiming and this is again a big objection I have is they'll take a verse and then they'll start waxing eloquent on the verse and often they're surrounded by Approving people reminds me of an infomercial where you know, oh, yeah, that's great. This is wonderful and I Somebody gave me an audio one time of a guy And he was going through in Matthew or Luke about Mary and Joseph, it was Christmas time. And the whole sermon was about betrothal. He said, well, they were betrothed. And it was the whole sermon. It wasn't about the incarnation. It was about the practice of betrothal. which the text really just mentions they were without explaining the practice, but he had done a little research on what he thought it was, and the whole thing was teaching parents not even courtship, that's not good enough, it's dangerous. The formula for getting your kids to marry the way you want is to betroth them and not to let them court, that's too dangerous. That's not what the passage is talking about. And yet people thought they were getting an exposition of Scripture. It's irrelevant, almost, to the passage. It's just an incidental mention. There is no exposition of betrothal or courtship in Scripture. There are general principles. We ought to pay attention to them. Don't fornicate. Marry a believer. Things like that. And they can be very persuasive. But again, are they proving it? You need to tell the difference between being plausible and being proven. I'll use an unrelated example. I'll use a ridiculous one just to make my point. A lot of people, actually, people are kind. Every time I'm sick, there's somebody will come up to me and say, I, my grandmother had this thing where she would take ground up hummingbird beaks and would sniff it through her nose and the cold would go away instantly. Now, I'm using a ridiculous example, but it's, you know, various forms of alternative medicine. Don't want to go all into that today. Some may work. I'm not going to judge that. But they'll tell some anecdotal story where, you know, and here's how it works is that the hummingbird beak, the hummingbird has all this goodness concentrated in his beak. Your cold is based in your nose. And so the beakness of the hummingbird beaks that you consume are going to heal your nose and make it strong, and it's going to get rid of all the Poisons in your system and is going to cleanse your whole nasal passage and down into your throat and you'll be singing like a canary or whatever But I mean again, this is on our Christian radio stations on Saturday mornings this kind of stuff You know, whatever the prostate whatever your problems are, you know, they're gonna solve it for you Some of it may work. I'm not here to judge all that, but it's not proven in most cases. And they'll do the same thing. It'll all sound kind of reasonable. Yeah, God's a God of order, so make your kids have a schedule. And it's every three hours, and they start getting real, real specific with all this, or six hours, or at this age, four hours. And it sounds kind of reasonable. They're trying to say they're being biblical. Be skeptical. If somebody's telling you how to parent your kid, is this really proven from the Bible? And many Christian so-called approaches to parenting are legalistic. Now, there are two different kinds of legalism I'm concerned about. One is the worst form of legalism is what Galatians warns against. That is corrupting the gospel itself. And like in Acts 15, where people were saying, unless you're circumcised according to Moses, you can't be saved. Adding to the gospel, adding to grace and faith in Christ alone. That's the worst kind of legalism. But there's another kind of legalism, and that is requiring of people more than the Bible teaches. And to say, all good Christians, da-da-da-da-da, you know, whatever it may be, and you must do this. And one of the most profitable things I actually learned from J. Adams about counseling is he would really emphasize this. In counseling, we can never compel more of people than the Bible commands. And sometimes, by the way, in counseling, you're going to think, I really think they should do this. But if I can't prove it from Scripture, I can only say, I really think you should do this. That's my advice. As an example, if a man is stealing, I can say, stop stealing. I can give that as an imperative because the Bible tells me, stop stealing, work with your hands, Ephesians 4. But if he's unemployed, I can tell him, go get a job. That's also in Ephesians 4 and Proverbs of the places. But I can't say, go apply at Walmart. I can't tell him he has to work here, or join the army, or I can make suggestions. I could even say, these might be good ideas for you, but I can't go beyond the Bible. And so, another example would be, I can say in general that women should dress modestly, but I can't say that they should wear a white shirt with a blue jumper and white tennis shoes. Which, if you've gone to some of these meetings, there are a lot of those there, and you think somebody told them that. What the Bible teaches about parenting is really pretty simple. I think the whole thing is summarized in Ephesians 6 as one place. I don't have time to expound it thoroughly, but fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. So don't provoke them, which you as a sinner are prone to do. They need control, discipline. They need a structure and consequences. They need instruction to teach them the word of God. And I would say bring the gospel in and not just law. The Bible contains what we need, and then it's for us to work out how we apply those principles. And some of the books and methods claim to get very, very specific about what God wants you to do. For example, you know, when you're going to spank your kid, you go to Home Depot and you buy a piece of wood, oak, not pine. You cut it an inch wide, you know, a fourth of an inch deep, 17 and a half, not 19, not 16, 17 and a half inches long. You take it in your dominant hand, if it's your right hand, you raise it up two and a half feet, and you come down with 60% strength. You have some, you get these very, very specific, here's how you do it, or here's how you potty train a child, and you go by M&M's, and you know, M&M's potty train children, and they'll tell stories of impossible to train potty train children that this M&M's formula, it worked for me. Well, your kid may be autistic. And he may make no connection at all between the M&Ms and the little bowl you're trying to get him to hit. And again, there's nothing wrong with making suggestions. And you can say, if you want help with a spanker, here's what some people in our church have used. And we actually had a deacon come in one week with a big stack of these things that I was just describing for parents to have for free. I also want to warn, shouldn't be done in anger, be done carefully, don't leave a mark, but anyway. But some people make their methodology law while failing to admit and acknowledge that there are other valid approaches. Again, the schedule thing, which is what made Babywise so popular. General principle, that you shouldn't have a child-centered home, that the way you're going to teach a kid to sleep through the night is let him cry a little bit, that all makes really good sense. But kids are different. And there are actually articles in World Magazine about some people who are trying to force their kid into the formula. The Bible doesn't teach that at four months of age the child should sleep this long. That's somebody's theory. The general principle of structure, that's good, but you can't prove from the Bible that demand feeding is sinful. You can't prove from the Bible how much crying you should put up with, how many minutes or seconds you should put up with before you do something. How to spank a child, what kind of rod, how many times, how hard. Even back to courtship. There are general principles that come into a young couple thinking about marriage or a young person thinking about finding a spouse. Yeah, honor your parents, marry only in the Lord, don't commit fornication, don't make provision for the flesh. This whole business is, well, when she's 12 years old, take her out to dinner, give her a promise ring, and make her promise that she's going to, you know, do this that way. And if any guy, she may be 35 years old and still single, but if any guy wants to talk to her, then he needs to come do this with the debt. But look, is that a way to do something like that? It's a way, but it's not the way the Bible teaches. You have to do it. You see the difference? This is just rampant. in terms of being specific. I like that way, but having said that, when your daughter's 25, she may not like it anymore. And I think it's very difficult to hold a 25-year-old to a promise she made under some duress when she was 12. But the people who write the book and hold the seminar just make it think like, well, man, this is just going to assure your daughter will be a virgin who marries a godly man whom you love and probably will come work for your business. if you just do what we say, and it's not so. Sometimes the extra-biblical formulas fail. Yeah, they're good ideas. Like I said, there's one thing that some people taught, like if a child is talking to adults, and you'll see a lot of kids doing this in our church, where the child will come up to the parent and put his hand on the shoulder of the parent, saying, I want to talk to you, don't want to interrupt, you know I'm here, when you're ready, talk to me. Great idea! But I can't say, thou shalt teach thy child, when thy child wishes to talk to you, when you're with others, to do exactly this way. Again, left arm, not right arm, whatever rules you may make. Even others like, keep disciplining the child until he is sweet. You know, your 12-year-old who's got a rebellious heart, you may spank them until your arm's ready to fall off, and they may never get sweet. There's no promise in the Bible they'll get sweet. There's no promise your kid will admit he's wrong. He might, like a Pharisee, or he might, just to get out of the trouble, have worldly sorrow to say whatever the formula says he has to say, but you may not ever see him repent. It all sounds so good because when the people in the book or the seminar tell you about it, it just always works. Every story they tell has a happy ending, unless you didn't follow the formula, in which case there's disaster. And sadly, some believers impose their legalistic extra-biblical rules and preferences on others. Now, I'll back up. Many of these are just fine. If this is what your family wants to do, do it. But don't judge other people for not doing it unless you can show from the Bible that they must. I know of churches that put in their constitution of the church that we are all homeschoolers. That wouldn't work if you were in Germany. Russia, China, India, actually about 95, 90% of the world's population, not an option. It's not a biblical mandate. Is homeschooling a good idea for many? I think it's a great idea. But I can't tell you from the Bible that's how you have to do it. You're free to accept help from others, and by the way, homeschoolers do accept help from others. They let their kids read books the parents didn't write. True? They're using curriculum. Other people are teaching their kids. You know, or some churches, there's, in the past, there's pressure that all right-thinking people put their kids in our Christian school. And there's tremendous social pressure to do that, to support the school. They're free to do it, they're free not to do it. Or the youth group. It goes either way. You're free to have the youth group, but the parents are free, the kids are free to go or not to go. And it can't be, well, you're not being supportive. There's nothing in the Bible that says thou shalt go to thy church's youth group. Or not. It's a parental choice in those matters. And sometimes these issues become more important than what the Bible actually teaches. When Jesus warns the Jews in Mark 7, he says, neglecting the commandment of God you hold to the tradition of men, we evangelicals have created, especially in parenting, some extra-biblical traditions. This is how all of us do it. And there can be tremendous social pressure within a church that even if it's not coming from the front, We've had to deal with this in our church a little bit, where you've got people who are kind of informally looked to as leaders, and if they're doing it this way, we all have to do it that way. And I think we have to exert extra effort to say, where the Bible says you're free, you're free, and even talking to those people. and being careful. Adams warns of seeking to fence the law. You're creating extra fences going beyond what the Bible says, what the law says, and your new fences become more important than the real one. Some people actually have the gall to claim divine revelation. God told me this. God showed me that. No, that's a denial of the sufficiency of Scripture. All that God has revealed for us about parenting is in the Word of God, and that is sufficient for us to do a good job. And it's very dangerous to start claiming divine authority. You're subjecting yourself to some judgment there if you do that. What is not mandated biblically is a choice, a family choice. And then many of these formulas fail to take into account legitimate differences between kids and families. They're not one-size-fits-all in reality. And part of it is, when you start having more kids, you've had three kids, and those M&Ms, boy, the first three kids, they were potty-trained at two, and it was great. And then the next kid just spits out the M&Ms, right? Or he just doesn't get it. God made our kids very, very different from each other. And as I've learned more about autism and Asperger's issues, we've got some of those kids in our church. The Bible is sufficient to help you deal with those people, those kids, but these formulas don't really, if you apply some of these formulas and you keep spanking a kid who may look 10 and may not get it, you're provoking that child to anger when you're following this man-made formula. You have to be very, very careful, but again, And part of the sad thing, too, is then when people have trouble with their kids, they think the Bible failed. And it wasn't the Bible that failed. It was a system that failed and a system that went beyond the Bible. Well, then, okay, if our kids aren't produced by following a formula, the outcome isn't, then why do kids turn out the way they do? We would like to know that, especially those of us with grown kids. And you know a story of two brothers who had parents who were believers, who had high hopes for their two sons. They sought to instruct them in the way of the Lord, and one honored God, honored his parents. The other one was stubborn, angry, and self-willed, hot-tempered, and became a criminal, and was separated from his family for the rest of his life. What family am I describing? The very first family ever. Adam and Eve, I believe they were believers. They tried to instruct their kids rightly. And I think it's very profound that Cain and Abel grew up in the same home. You can't blame bad neighbors, bad peer groups, MTV, right? What did Cain have but his own wicked heart? And that was enough to make him a murderer. And he wouldn't even listen to God. God himself warned Cain and Cain wouldn't listen. So what causes this? And what I'm going to say, I think, contradicts a lot of what's being written. I got an email this week from a major national organization. Why are our kids leaving church? Or why are kids not turning out right? And the answer for all these is five reasons that we're supposed to be able to overcome if we just employ some new methodology or formula. I think there are three reasons in the Bible. One is that we as parents are responsible, back to Ephesians 6. Don't provoke your children to anger, and then raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. They need to be disciplined. I've got a lot of verses in your notes. You know them in Proverbs. If you don't discipline, you don't love them. If you let them go their own way, it'll lead to destruction. We also need to train them, not just control them, not just behavior management. But Deuteronomy 6, teach them when you walk by the way, and I think for it to be a gospel focus as well. I love how Ted Tripp puts it, when your child does something wrong and you're about to discipline him, instead of saying, I can't believe you did that. I never did that when I was a kid. I love what he's saying. Rather than saying, I was a sinner when I was a kid, I'm a sinner now. What you did shows we're sinners. And we need a savior. We need grace. And just bringing the gospel in to even how discipline is done and instructing them in the gospel. I like Lou Preola's book about the heart of anger. And he talks about 25 things we do to provoke our kids to anger. By the way, as we look at this, who here has done this perfectly? Who here has never sinfully provoked this child to anger? Who has disciplined them perfectly as God disciplines us? I know you haven't. Hebrews 12 says all of us had fathers who disciplined us more or less imperfectly. It's God. who is the perfect father. And again, if we could save our kids with parenting them perfectly, we would be failures because we can't do it. We can't keep the biblical formula, much less all these others. But God does bless faithful parents. Discipline will spare your child from death, correct your son and he will give you comfort, he will bring delight to your soul. And if you neglect discipline, you're contributing to your children's ruin. You know, Eli is the famous example of a failed parent in first Samuel. And it's interesting that God's condemnation of Eli is summarized as you honored your sons above me. He didn't stand up to them in their sin because he was more concerned about keeping his sons happy than making God than pleasing God. And when he chose to please his sons rather than God, and they went on in their waywardness, Eli bore some responsibility for the wickedness of his sons. He enabled it. And actually, I would also point out that those were adult kids, which is the book, You Never Stop Being a Parent. There's a whole chapter on Eli in there, because a lot of parents are being like Eli, and they're enabling a sinful lifestyle in adult kids. So we have responsibility. And many parents, you know, the father of a fool has no joy. But while parents have an influence on how our kids turn out, we don't control the outcome because there are two other factors the Bible teaches. And the second one is that children are responsible for the choices they make. The Proverbs says, it is by his deed that a lad distinguishes himself, and his conduct is pure and right. And I really have enjoyed my studies in the Proverbs. But one thing I've gotten out of the Book of Proverbs is, the Book of Proverbs is addressing a young person. And the first nine chapters contains a sequence of appeals to this young person, beginning, especially in chapter one, where wisdom cries in the streets and is pleading with the naive one. To turn from folly and to turn to wisdom, and actually they're warning, I'm going to laugh at your destruction if you don't listen to me. The book of Proverbs is not saying, Solomon's saying, well, because I'm a wise father, you're automatically going to be wise. It's saying, because I'm a wise father, I'm laying before you the very choice of life, and you alone are going to have to make this. Are you going to listen to me and listen to the word of God and make the fundamental choice to make your life's pursuit of wisdom, which I believe is God and Christ, Or are you going to be a fool and live like everybody else? And every young person is going to face that choice. You can't make that choice for them. And you've watched it happen if you're old enough, right? And you see kids, and when they're young, you can generally control little kids, make them fairly compliant. But as they come into their young adulthood, they see there's a big world out there. And they see the options folly give, the option of a gang in chapter one, that the strange woman of drink and of laziness and all these things. And you can tell them the consequence of the bad choice. You can tell them the blessing of seeking after God and delighting in his wisdom. But they choose. That's the whole point. That's why it's all necessary. And then when you read about Solomon's son, the one we read much about, Grea Bolem, he obviously wasn't paying good attention. I wore one, that means I have to stand still more. So not all rebellion is the fault of parents. I think that's an important point. I think it's significant when you're dealing in the law, when you deal with an incorrigible child, I think it's in Deuteronomy 21, when they bring him before the elders of the city, and this is our son, he's a drunkard and a glutton. And again, this is not talking about a five-year-old that's slowing a tantrum. This is talking about someone older to be a glutton and a drunkard. But they stone the kid, not the parents. They don't say, well, you obviously created this rotten young adult, so we're going to kill you. No, the parish are saying, we've tried to warn him, he won't listen to us. And as a last resort, we're bringing him here to receive the judgment that his sin calls for in the context of the covenant community. In our context, if you kick him out of the house or if he's a member, you kick him out of the church. We don't stone them. But not all rebellion is the fault of the parents. And when I wrote this book along with Elise and Harvest House titled it, and one thing I didn't, you learn a lot when you write a couple books, and one is you have little control. And I hated the title, When Good Kids Make Bad Choices. You know, I'm a Calvinist. I don't believe in good kids. I'm reformed. I believe in total depravity. They're born sinners. I said, well, when supposedly good kids make bad choices, they wouldn't do that either. There are no good kids. They're born sinful. And you don't need bad influence to cause it. Back to the example of Cain. What's the difference between Cain and Abel on a human level? Cain chose evil. It wasn't his parents' fault. It wasn't his brother's fault. He chose and he's guilty. And God is the Father of His people Israel in the Old Covenant. And God says, in vain I obstruct your son. They accept no chastening. They refuse to take correction. In Isaiah 1, it's very poignant. Sons I have reared and brought up, but they have revolted against me. Whose fault was that? Not the parent's fault. He was the perfect parent. That verse gives me a lot of comfort, as the father of sons who aren't walking with the Lord right now, because God understands what it's like to have sons who are rebels against him. An interesting passage, I'm not going to read the whole thing, but I'll reference it, is in Ezekiel 18. Ezekiel 18 is fascinating that you have three generations, and my heading in the NAS is God deals justly with individuals, and basically you have First of all, in the first generation, a man who, verse 5, is righteous, practices justice, and it describes he doesn't do all the bad things and he does do all the good things. He's a good, law-abiding man. But then in verse 10, then he may have a violent son who sheds blood and does such things. And he says basically the son is the opposite of the father. He does all the bad things and he does none of the good things. And then there's a third generation. And in verse 14, now behold, he has a son who has observed all his father's sins which he committed, and he rebels against his wicked dad by becoming righteous. And he's like his grandfather. That's the way it goes sometimes, isn't it? It's something we've seen. We see around us. And the Bible tells us this can happen. And it's not the father's fault that the second guy rebelled. And again, as our kids enter adulthood, They're going to make their own life decisions. A point will come when you lose control. It'll come before you knew it happened also, by the way. A point will come where their heart goes where it will. And you can't prevent that. You can't chain them to their room when they're 30. And the Bible speaks to them too, right? The first commandment of the promise, honor your father and mother. They choose whether they're going to do that. So, two factors so far. One is, we as parents are responsible to raise our kids in the very simple way the Bible says. We have to work out the details. We can learn from others ways to do it. We need to be careful not to go beyond the Bible in commanding others. But there's a factor. Our kids make a choice. And then there's a final factor, which is, it's God's sovereign grace that saves our kids. You can't save them. If God did give you a blank slate, you would ruin them with your sin. And if you were a perfect parent, they would rebel against you, like Cain did. By nature, they're dead in sin. Jesus said, no one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. Paul says they are dead in sin. You're dead in sin whether you're born in the Bible Belt or you're born in Mecca, Saudi Arabia. You're still dead in sin. And only the Spirit of God can regenerate you. Being born in a Christian family doesn't mean you are regenerate or will be regenerate. The Word is proclaimed. God sees fit to give grace. And so we need the grace of God. And the longer I've been at it, the more I'm aware of my dependence. And the God works in mysterious ways. There's a family in our church right now whose daughter, I think, probably in her late 30s, and she was wayward. And just recently, she's come back to the Lord. And I'm so happy for this family. And they're thrilled. And the daughter's having to work out dealing with her unbelieving husband. We have hope, but our hope is in God. Not in ourselves. I think of Jeremiah 17, which is don't trust in men or make flesh your strength. Some of us can bind our joy up with our kids. And that's a dangerous place to put your joy, because your kids may let you down. They may break your heart. You can't keep it from hurting, but your ultimate hope has to be in God, who is the stream of water. And your leaves will remain green and fruitful if you abide in him. So the Bible does not teach some sure-fire method of parenting that if you just follow these steps, it'll all be fine. You are responsible before God. And it's clear you want to as God enables you to strive to do the simple things the Bible says, and even in doing so with humility, knowing your inadequacies. But don't try to fill in where the Bible does not speak with new revelation or new commands that go beyond the Bible. Some people say, well, doesn't the Proverbs say, train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it? Yes, but we need to understand how the Proverbs work. It says, the hand of the diligent makes rich, and the one who's lazy comes to poverty. These are generalizations which are true statements of wisdom. God does bless faithful parenting. There are a lot more Christian kids in Christian families than in non-Christian families. Just like people who work hard generally prosper financially. People who are lazy generally are poor. But sluggards sometimes win the lottery. Right? And sometimes the business of a hardworking person burns to the ground or some other bad thing may happen. So they're true statements of wisdom, but they are never intended as absolute and unconditional promises. Jesus himself warned that his gospel would create division in families. He says, do not suppose that I came to grant peace on earth. I tell you no, but rather division. For from now on, five members in one household will be divided. Three against two and two against three. They will be divided father against son, son against father, mother against daughter, daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law, and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law. I don't like telling you that. I don't like having lived a lot of that. I have one son in particular. He's fighting hard on the other side. The conflict is hot when he's around. He's in his thirties. Our heart is broken. We're trying to learn to love him. And the best lesson I've gotten out of this is I now know what God's love for me is like when I try to love somebody who's really hard to love. And it's the best chance I've ever had in my life. Marriage has been really easy for me. Got married. Been easy. Been pleasant. Not hard to love my wife. I get much better than I give. My kids challenge me to love someone who breaks your heart. That's how God loves us and that's the opportunity we have. And yes, we see sometimes, and because I've written a couple of books about this, I've had a lot of well-known people, pastors, counselors, who have struggled with their kids, who haven't made it as public as I have, call for counsel, for help. It's widespread. It's painful. Some of the cases are well-known. The case of Rick Warren's son recently, your heart goes out. And if you know the Bible properly, you don't judge the parents in those situations. You have compassion. We pray that God would have mercy upon us and upon our kids. We're dependent upon his grace. We rejoice when he works. We rejoice when he works in the lives of other families as well as our own. After lunch, if you choose to come back for the second half, we'll talk about the error of parental determinism. how the gospel transforms our parenting. Let me pray. Father in heaven, we thank you that you are a patient, gracious and loving father towards us. Help us as parents to love our children as you have loved us. For those of us who have children who are not walking with you, we pray, Lord, that you would turn them back to you, that you would bring reconciliation first to you and then to us. We also pray for many of us. We have kids, kids represented and families here. And so far, things seem OK, but we are concerned for the future. Lord, we entrust this to you. We pray that our kids, when they're making their own choices in life, will choose to seek and follow you. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.