As we come to our meditation in the Word of God this morning, we want to take up another theme dealing with the Christian family. It was last summer that we focused on marital happiness or a kingdom-useful marriage, and we take up this morning another theme that I trust will contribute to us seeing the blessing of God on us in families. It is no surprise to any of us that there is this darkness of the world that would seek to put out the light of Christianity, the light of Christianity in a Christian home and a Christian family. And I trust, whether you are younger, too young for this to pertain to you, or so you think this morning, or too old for this to pertain to you this morning, I trust that you can at least appreciate the strategic importance of the Christian family, that you will want us to see the blessing of God in us, and if we can help some families be established down the road, then certainly God should be praised. So the goal that is before us is the happy marriage house. And there are a lot of things that go into building this kind of house. We're going to start a series, one of seven messages on shall we date? And this morning is a critique of contemporary American dating. Longtime professors at the University of Chicago, Leon and Amy Kass, have written a book on the whole matter of dating. Here they give us towards the beginning of their book. It was the first day of an undergraduate seminar at the University of Chicago. Those leading the seminar had just asked the question of these college-age students as to what would be the most important decision that they would make in their lives. Being in college, their minds focused on college and academics. Nearly all of the students answered in terms of what related to their own personal self-fulfillment. Some would say deciding what career to pursue. Others figuring out which graduate or professional school to attend. Choosing where I should live. Only one fellow answered otherwise. His answer was deciding who should be the mother of my children. For his eccentric opinion, and especially for his quaint way of putting it, he was promptly attacked by nearly every other member of the class, men and women alike. The man and nearly all the women berated him for wanting to sacrifice his freedom or for foolishly putting such matters ahead of his career. The women and some of the men were offended that he would look on and judge women for their capacities as prospective mothers. Where's she at? As mothers for his children. From his classmates' point of view, this man was clearly a dinosaur who had not yet heard that his kind of dinosaur was extinct. Now these authors are not coming at the whole matter of dating, courtship, betrothal, whatever the common term is. They're not coming from a Reformed Baptist point of view. In fact, they're not even coming from a Christian point of view. They're coming at things from a very Jewish point of view. And this is how they respond to this young man being attacked by his classmates. Our reaction was quite different from the students. As a long and happily married couple and as parents of children whose existence and rearing have been central to our happiness, we could endorse this young man's view. Instead, we wondered how only he could have acquired such a mature outlook at this tender age. Far from condemning him as a freak, this opinion revealed an admirable seriousness about life. Why? Why were not more of our young people aware of the importance of marriage and family? Why did they not foresee the supreme importance of finding the right person with whom they might make a life? Since then, We have paid increasing attention to the opinions and to a lesser extent the practices of our students regarding love and marriage. Repeatedly, we have heard their skepticism about marriage and family life. We have watched many of them. well beyond their college years, bumble along from one unsatisfactory relationship to the next. And we are often profoundly saddened by the thought that they are in danger of missing out on one of life's greatest adventures and on many of life's deepest experiences, insights, and joys. Yet for their failures and their fumblings in this area, they are not altogether to blame. There is so little in our American society that is helping point in the direction of marriage. People still get married, though later. less frequently, more hesitatingly, and by and large, less successfully. But for the majority who do get married, the way to the altar is uncharted territory. It's every couple on its own without a compass. often without a goal. Those who reach the altar seem to have stumbled on it by accident. Well, as we take up this theme, we want to have Romans 12, 1 and 2 ringing in our ears. I appeal to you, therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God. you who have been dead in your trespasses and sin, you who have been the recipients of God's grace coming to you so that you have believed to the justifying of your souls, to the sanctifying of your characters, because of all these mercies that have come to you, because the gospel has been proclaimed to the ends of the earth, Coming to Jew and to Gentile, because of these mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world. but be transformed by the renewal of your mind that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. So here we are this morning wanting to build our marriage house. But when you build a house, there's often some work that has to be done before you start pouring that concrete. It's very common that when you go to build the house that you come in and you look at it and you see all of these trees, some trees that are down, some trees that are bad, you see all of this scrub brush with its thorns, you see the poison ivy, you see the stinging nettle, and you say, before we build the house at this particular place in the lot, we need to get the bulldozer and clear out the place for the house. And so it is in our building of this marriage house. In this first session, we're not actually going to begin the building, but more the process of clearing out some of the bad stuff that comes to us from the world around us. Do I apologize for that? No. We're not to be conformed to the world. We are encouraged by Paul that as we live our lives that we're going to need to look around and say, what do we need to get rid of? in order to bring glory to God. Now I'm not going to take time to footnote every book, but I do want to give credit, at least to acknowledge here at the beginning, the help of pastor friends, Merrick, Sevastio, Smith, Chansky, additional help from such books as from Votibachum, Elizabeth Elliot, Leon, and Amy Cass, Benny and Cherie Phillips, Richard and Sharon Phillips, Stacy and Paula Reinhart, and others on down the list. Roman numeral one. Roman numeral one. The relatively recent, the relatively recent innovation of American dating. First of all, A, Benny and Sharif Phillips, Walking with the Wives, Drawing from Ellen Rothman, Hearts in Hands, A History of Courtship in America. You may be surprised to know that dating is a recent event in American history. Before the date, teens got to know each other through church or community activities. They served together in the neighborhood. The girls helped prepare food for guys who were helping build a neighbor's house or barn. Sometimes they were introduced when a girl's dad hired a young man to help harvest the crops, or they met at a community square dance or a church picnic. as the friendship developed into something more, it remained closely tied to the family, community, and church. Young people had very little time alone without friends or adults around. There was no car for driving around on Friday night, no telephone for long talks after school, no movie theaters or roller skating rinks where teens could hold hands. Couples would be allowed to talk alone in the parlor, but parents were never far away. There's been a radical change from the 1800s, particularly the late 1800s, until 1960 in the United States. Things radically changed in our society. Let's jump ahead to B. Another summary of the past, B, Pastor Dave Merrick, maintaining dating purity, drawing from Beth Bailey from front porch to back seat, asking several questions. When the change? Well, the 1890s to 1920, when did dating as a distant practice become widely accepted in the United States. The terminology, the features of dating is largely associated with the 1920s. What was the previous practice? Well, it was called calling. Upon invitation, a young man would visit a young lady in her home. They often would be left together with a degree of privacy on the front porch or in the parlor, but family members were close by. Also, a young man might accompany a young lady to or from community activities like church meetings, school programs, and so on. Again, the watchful eye of the local community was involved. Why the change? Well, America was becoming more urbanized. And as those from rural areas were coming into cities, they were being squeezed into apartments and tenement buildings where there was no parlor or front porch to use in their calling. There's also another change. In the education of young people in 1900, 7% of our teenagers were in high school, 7%. By 1960, there are 90% that are then in high school. What were the new distinctives? Well, there was the going out away from the perceived restrictions of the home or the local small community where you were known. There was also the spending of money for food and recreation. Before it was you sit in the parlor, you talk, and you get to know one another. But now it has to be something more of an event, and that calls for money. The higher, the more the money that was spent, the higher the evaluation of the date and the fun that you had. How was your date? That was wonderful. Well, how was he or how was she? Well, that didn't really matter so much. There was a lot of fun on the date without so much a consideration of the person that you were with. And where are we today? There was a major shift in dating and courtship practices with the arrival of the sexual revolution or pollution of the 1960s. In our society at large, the old rules and patterns became somewhat obsolete, and now anything goes, including the total discarding of marriage, as unmarried couples routinely shack up or set up housekeeping with one another. Now, the point of this message so far is to just lay out something of the historical overview so that you are aware that there has been a significant change from 1900 to 1960. Now let's go thirdly see to look at Samuel Hopkins and look back to an earlier period as he talks about the practice of Jonathan Edwards. Jonathan Edwards, a blessed and gifted preacher, lived 1703 to 1758. So we're going back. If any gentleman desired acquaintance with Edward's daughters, and I believe he had five of them, the young man, after carefully and positively introducing himself by properly consulting the parents, he was allowed all proper opportunity for getting to know an Edward's daughter. a parlor room, and a fire if needed. But the suitor must not intrude on the proper hours of rest and sleep or the religion and the order of the family. So what shall we do? Well, fourthly D, there must be some way of young people meeting. Should we uncritically accept contemporary dating game? We happen to be in America at this particular time, so whatever's going on now is what we have to engage in. We'll simply float along with whatever is going on. Well, the current American dating scene is not exactly as old as the hills, and we, or urged by Paul, Ephesians 4 and verse 17. Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to their hardness of heart. we need to think critically. Or as Peter says, as obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance. A few verses later, you shall be holy even as I am holy. Let me give you one statistic for us to think about in just a moment. The divorce rate today, of one out of every two marriages ending in divorce is 250% worse than it was in 1940. Now does that sound like a good trend to you? Well, I hope that you're abhorred by just the consideration of that. And that in itself, would cause us to begin to think more critically about whatever dating has become in more recent American history. Sadly, self-identified born-again Christians divorce at about the same rate as our general population. Now back to our Jewish professors called castes. they actually suggest that part of the problem here with the divorce rate is what they call serial dating. You date for a while, you're somewhat intimate, then you break up, that doesn't work, and then you do it again, and then you do it again, and then you do it again, and they suggest that a lot of young people are actually prepared by this methodology to say, well, I'm married now, but it didn't work out. It was a lot of tension. And so we're going to do now what we did six times before when it didn't work out. I think we need to at least listen to what these, with a measure of common grace, are saying to us regarding our society. So the relatively recent innovation of American dating, now Roman numeral two, the characteristic parental abdication, its illustration. From a postcard in a print advertisement, dear mom and dad, I met a guy, he plays in a bass in a band, stayed up all night on the beach, watched the sunrise, then we rode to Venice on his motorcycle, can't wait for you to meet him, love, Julie. Now this postcard from decades ago shows the transition and shows something of a common parental fear and certainly where parents are not all that involved. That's the illustration. Secondly, B, quickly, it's error. Was Abraham involved in Isaac's marital choice? Eliezer, I want you to go over there and I want you to get my husband, my son, a wife. The mother of King Lemuel, was she involved? Well, she seems to have input on this 22-letter acrostic, aleph, peth, gemel, daleth, of what the woman should look like. The father of the young woman in 1 Corinthians 7, 38, listen to how it's worded. So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better. There is parental involvement in view in the scriptures. Thirdly, see its cause. Why this parental abdication, the parents pulling back? Well, part of it is our culture. You don't have anything to do with this. You don't have anything to say about this. And a dad can be fearful to step in. If I intervene, I'm a loser, the guy may resent it. And it just argues that if you've been uninvolved in hard conversations with your son or your daughter to this point, it's gonna be very hard to just jump in and have heart-to-heart conversations now. So a parent's neglect and a child's refusal. With their naturally emerging independence, with the thought oftentimes that parents don't know anything, a foolish distance is created from the parents. Well, who in their right mind would have a dad and a mom involved in your dating process? But think about it. One of the greatest decisions, young people, in your life, what's the most important decision that you will make in your life? Well, hopefully it will to believe in Jesus Christ. But one that is close to this in its importance is who you should marry. And you'll make this decision when you are inexperienced in it. Does that make sense? We are living, Phillips writes, we are living in a time when boundaries and fences regarding social life have been removed. with the so-called liberation of so many aspects of life, the cost has been high. Also involved is the radical individualism of contemporary life, whereas the Bible considers us in terms of the bonds of family and covenant relationships. It seldom crosses the minds of dating people today that their dating is more than a private matter. They resent the idea that they are accountable to anyone other than themselves. Illustration, the error, the cause, now D, it's balance. There's a difference from a 15-year-old guy living at home with believing parents and a 23-year-old who's recently come to faith and she's got unbelieving parents Many would advocate that a Christian man seeking a relationship with a Christian woman ought first to approach her father for consent, advice, and oversight. Well, the dad gives or does not give in marriage. That seems somewhat reasonable. When possible, we strongly encourage men to follow this model. The problem for many today, however, is that their families are broken or distant or do not have biblical views regarding relationships. I'd be glad to talk to your dad if you had one. Roman numeral three. The dominant emotional subjectivity in American dating. There's a danger of emotional infatuation. It's surprising to me to come across in recent years that Benjamin Franklin wrote on emotional infatuation. Not a Christian. But he understood and he warned of the danger of infatuation. The young ones are mad and lightheaded with those ravishing thoughts of their warm constitutions and distempered fancies. They have all of these feelings and yet they turn out to be strangers. Dwight Harvey Small talks of how romance is the greatest cult that Americans have. It's the fairy story at the heart of our culture. I'm just gonna come across, I'm gonna meet this guy, and he's going to be tall, tan, and terrific, or he's at least gonna be tall and terrific, and there's nothing as important as this. But the emotions don't carry us through for a lifetime. Another. You know how the typical dating scenario goes. Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl to a movie. They sit in a dark theater for two hours and don't say a word to each other. During the week, boy sends girl roses with a note saying her eyes are sapphire blue. The next weekend, they see another movie. They sit silently for two hours in the dark. This time, he holds her hand and steals a kiss on her front steps. The next week, it's a necklace and a set of flowers and a romantic moonlit walk in the park. They spend half their time trying to suffocate each other, and there you have it, they are dating. But is theirs a relationship of friendship? A mist of emotions and a cloud of lust obscure the lack of any real commitment, sharing, and friendship. Of course, you know what usually happens in those relationships. In six months, their love has fallen apart, they break up, only to start over again with someone else a couple of months later. To bring biblical sanity to those kinds of scenarios, we need to transform our thinking about dating. It starts with Genesis 2.18. Dating is a marriage kind of relationship, and God defined that kind of relationship as companionship. danger of infatuation, secondly B, the biblical emphasis on observable character. King Lemuel wrote to her son and said, or spoke to her son and said, Lemmy, tell me about your tingles when she comes into the room. Well, not exactly. Tell me about her diligence, her financial savvy, her family focus, her smiling confidence in God, her kind speech. And there's an objective standard that is given. But today, with all of the dating, dating has moved into the realm of event dating. There's this wonderful event like a prom evening. There's this wonderful event where you both are treated like royalty and it's easy to pretend that, you know, it's like I'm on a cruise. But we all have to come back from the cruise. And we all have to root around in the cupboards and try to find something for ourselves to eat. Good feelings in an unnatural date setting are no safe guide in seeking a life partner with good character. Phillips again. It is one thing for both to enjoy playing tennis. That's nice. But how do you respond when a two-year-old vomits on you? How will you get along on two hours of sleep a night when you have a difficult baby or when you learn that you will not be able to have a baby together? How will you work together when the woman leaves the workplace to be a mother or when she is the woman has to change cities because of her husband's job transfer? How will you react when her mother moves in for you to take care of her? Or when one of you is paralyzed in an accident? Few of us will be able to assess our compatibility in the face of these challenges while dating. but these are the things that a lifetime of marriage involves. Roman numeral four, the recreational nature of American dating. There is this A, common emphasis of it's just having fun. One of my authors has a chapter entitled, Whatcha Doing Friday Night? And what this is highlighting is that you can go with your friends to a basketball game, you can go with your friends to the movies, shopping, to play board games, or you can pair off with a guy or gal and do dating. It's just something to do on Friday evening. And this represents a change from past generations. Secondly, B, the biblical caution on recreational dating. When a young man and a young woman spend time alone together, then marriage needs to be in view. Is this a Reformed Baptist notion? Well, no. Listen to Boulder Hill. Dating should be a Christ-centered relationship between a man and a woman meant to help a couple discern marital compatibility with each other. Never once in the Bible do I see a romantic relationship between a man and a woman taken lightly. It is never a casual thing. Romantic relationships in the Bible are always taken seriously. That'd be a good challenge. Can you think of one recreational kind of relationship there in the Bible? All dating is to be intentional dating with the end goal of marriage. If a young person is not ready to get married or a potential date is not marriage material, then there's no reason to date. We have to help our children understand that dating is not primarily for personal entertainment or character refinement. I need to date guys so I can understand guys. I would suggest that there are other ways of having friendships with guys. that would allow you to learn something about guys and vice versa. Enjoyment and growth will certainly be outcomes of dating, but they alone are insufficient reasons to enter into a dating relationship. Two illustrations come from Pastor Mark Chansky on this topic. Why get on the marriage train that is going to Alaska when you don't even have a winter coat, you don't have winter boots, and you don't have winter gloves. You're not ready to go to Alaska, so why get on that train? The romance, the river of romance. If we're not ready to face the rapids of marriage, then why get on the river of romance that is leading towards those rapids? Samson and Delilah did not have marriage in view. Amnon and Tamar did not have marriage in view. Romans 13, 14 says, put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh to gratify its desires. With these biblical warnings, is it wise to throw a single man and a single woman together for the stated and ultimate purpose of seeking out pleasurable activities while they're alone together? At age 21, age 22, Nancy and I were involved in our first couples counseling. Think it was an easy thing? Well, no. Do you think we were given direction on how we should handle it? No. Sitting across our little hand-me-down dining room table from us, was a couple that was pregnant, part of the youth group that we were working with. She was 15, he was 16. Do you think we've forgotten that? The wise man learns from the fool's mistakes. My young friends, The emotional scars, the memories, the guilt are simply not worth the risk of a careless and uncritical attitude to recreational dating. This young couple, I could tell you their names. I haven't seen them for all of these years. Look at 50 years. but a deep impression on us. They started out on their carefree and careless recreational dating. They had no idea the pit of pain that they would be falling into. And young person, I remind you of Joseph's brothers. 22 years after they sold him into slavery, God brought them a conscience attack. And those are not pleasant. Roman numeral five, the irresponsible premature timing in American dating. First of all, A, the requirements of the age and maturity. Are you ready as a 15 or a 16-year-old for marriage? No. If you argue with that, will you at least grant that 10-year-olds are not ready for marriage? No, 15-year-olds are not. They're not spiritually, emotionally, hormonally, vocationally, financially, educationally, they are not ready. Are 15 year olds ready to leave father and mother and establish a new household and a new social unit? Is he ready to be the breadwinner? Perrin and Harmon, are you as a man ready to support a family? As a woman, are you marrying someone who is a hard worker and able to secure a job? It is not sexy to buy each other flowers and chocolates with money borrowed from parents. If you cannot provide for your household, you're worse than an unbeliever. As a man, do you feel comfortable standing before God, responsible for the spiritual direction of your wife? As a woman, are you growing in your walk with Christ? Are you ready to serve your family? Raising a family is a serious calling. Are these who are still children ready to raise children? Why get on the train if you're not ready to arrive in Alaska? Is this a real problem or something I'm just making up? Well, maybe we could ask the parents of the 20-year-old guy and the 17-year-old gal who eloped. And you know why they eloped? They eloped because the 17-year-old gal's dad said that he didn't think that they were ready to be in a serious relationship. Well, they showed him. They showed him what? Maybe they were not ready. The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on as suffer for. Proverbs 27, 12. If you see something that is dangerous, you need to get out of the way. You need to get out of the street. And if you see that one out of two marriages ends in divorce, then you need to get out of the street. You need to protect yourself. The prudent sees the danger at least and hides himself. But the simple go on and suffer for it. Matthew Henry comments on this, God warns before he wounds. God helps us to see the difficulty, but if we don't, don't be surprised if there are consequences. A, the requirement of age and maturity. B, requirements of preparation. Young person, one of your God-given responsibilities as a high schooler and as a college student is preparing for the rest of your life. How well you do in chemistry and English literature is going to have a direct bearing on what you do and the way that you're able to care for your church and contribute, care for your wife and contribute to your church. Neglecting current obligations will disqualify you from tomorrow's opportunities. If God has given you opportunities, then he expects you to develop them for his glory. Maintaining a relationship takes a lot of time and energy. Christopher and Stephanie spent countless hours talking, writing, thinking, and often worrying about their relationship. They, excuse me, the energy they exerted on the relationship stole from their other pursuits. Truckloads of time and energy can go into a relationship that just is not even there. Six months later, Grimmond and parents signed And young people, I urge you to listen to these. Many of these writings have been involved in years and years of ministry with young people. In 16 years of ministry on a university campus, one of the things I noticed was the difference in wisdom and maturity between 18-year-olds arriving on campus and 22-year-olds leaving campus. That was largely because the 22-year-olds had simply gained more life experience. They had been forced to take more responsibility, to live with more independence. They had learned a little bit more of what it means to live faithfully for God. Being in a close relationship when you're very young can have a deep impact on who you are and who you become. To be healthy in a relationship, you must learn how to be yourself outside of a relationship. If you're not ready to shoot the rapids of marriage, then don't be anxious to get on the river of romance. Roman numeral six, the widespread sexual participation in American dating. Just a few facts. A, the documented deterioration of moral standards. Huge change between 1900 to 1960. 1985, 30% of single men were virgins, 40% of single women were virgins. 1985. 2015, 4% of men and 5% of women in their 20s were virgins. More recently, the percentages of singles who are virgins has increased 10% for men, 7% for women. Well, we're glad for that, but it's still not a very favorable statistic. Mulvihill, your children may not like it, but if they understand that the purpose of dating is to pursue marriage, then they can understand that they aren't ready to date until they are ready for marriage. The earlier a young person begins dating, the higher the likelihood that he or she will engage in intimacy outside of marriage. Dating encourages an emotional connection between two individuals which prompts physical contact such as holding hands or kissing. Physical contact fuels sexual urges. Combine this with immaturity or curiosity and it is a recipe for disaster. B, multiple stirring of wrong passions. We're at a point now where those all the influence of the 1960s, the rise of pornography, the devaluing of marital physical intimacy. And today, male and female college roommates share in the utilities and physical intimacy and then graduate and go their separate ways. They were just roommates. Or as one has put it, they leave, some like animals leave the herd, pair off for a few hours, and then return to the herd. C, significant influence of living in a godless society. Corinth was the most immoral church and city in that era. But nonetheless, the Corinthian church was called the purity. Doesn't matter if there are 1,000 or 1,500 religious prostitutes attached to their pagan temples. They, as Christians, have responsibilities. And what if that is not protected against? Guilty conscience, unwanted pregnancy, Ill-advised marriages, ending a divorce, broken families, single parents. Fourthly D, we come finally to gospel hope in a fallen world. And to that Corinthian church, Paul writes, 1 Corinthians 6, verse 9, or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived, neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you, but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ by the Spirit of our God. Paul doesn't come along and say, now I know society is really pulling down the moral average here and God really can't expect you to live godly and pure and for you to make righteous decisions because of all of the darkness around you. Baloney. You need to know that those who do not live for God are not going to inhabit heaven. And some of you were inundated, immersed in it. But you believed in Christ. You've been washed. You've been sanctified. And so here I appeal to you, wherever you are, whatever your bent is please see that that which is absolutely fundamental for your happiness is being right with the Lord Jesus Christ. Let's pray. Father thank you for your holy word. Thank you for giving ears to hear. And we do pray Lord that from our young people, our precious young people, that you look on them with mercy and compassion, and that you would be pleased to help them build happy marriage houses. Show your kindness, and then use them in a coming generation, and we pray this in Christ.