I'm coming this evening back to Ephesians chapter 5. This is going to be the last message in chapter 5, and then we're going to move on into chapter 6 after the Easter break. But Ephesians chapter 5 this evening, and this is part 3 of our subject, Maintaining a Spiritual Marriage, Ephesians chapter number 5. And we will begin to read at verse number 21, Ephesians 5, verse number 21. Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So what man to love their wives as their own bodies? He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. And for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they too shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife, even as himself and the wife see that she reverence. her husband. Every week as we have been looking at these verses and considering this passage, we have sought to remind ourselves that marriage is not an easy thing to maintain, particularly in the culture and context in which we find ourselves today. One particular newspaper featured two headlines shouting from adjacent pages, and this is what they read. In Japan, battered wives begin to rebel And in Britain, Britain tries to shore up its marriages. Two different countries, two distinct cultures, but both have the same marital problems. And you know, it is hard to maintain a marriage. And we looked at the reasons for that a few weeks ago and why marriage is difficult. It's two individuals, two equally sinful individuals, from a natural point of view, being brought together Asked by God to become one flesh. And there's going to be tension, there's going to be struggles as both man and woman are differently made up. But nevertheless, it's God's design for us to come together in a one flesh union. So how then do we maintain a spiritual marriage in today's world? Well, thankfully, as is the case here in Ephesians 5, God has given us guiding principles to help us maintain a spiritual marriage. There are countless, hundreds, no doubt, of marriage advice books, some Christian, some not Christian, but the best marriage advice book is the one that you and I have on our knee. As we've went through this little mini study together on marriage, we have looked at several things together. We started with some counsel for couples. Some counsel for couples. And we looked at some principles that are really not specific to a man or a woman, but really to a couple. And if we're going to maintain a marriage, it takes the both of us to work together And we thought about, first of all, how that a couple must embrace the Spirit's filling. If we're going to maintain a spiritual marriage, verse 18 is essential. Be filled with the Spirit. Then a couple must also emanate the Savior's example. When he goes on to speak to husbands and wives, Paul repeats this little phrase as as did Christ, or even as Christ. And so as a couple, and we seek to maintain a spiritual marriage, we don't look to another couple to live to their standards, but we look to the Savior, and the only person I should want my spouse to become more like is the Lord Jesus. Which brings us on to the third point and we spent some time in verses 26 and 27 as a couple must encourage this sanctifying process. And we noted how that these verses relate primarily to men and we'll think about Then we went on to some specifics for the individuals within a marriage. And we thought about the fact that maintaining a spiritual marriage requires that both people report on what God expects of my wife. And sometimes we can lay unrealistic, unbiblical expectations on our husband or our wife. We want them to live up to a certain image, to be a certain thing, which is not at all what God has asked them to be. So wives, you're here tonight. This study is equally as important for you to understand what God is asking of your husband. We thought, first of all, as Paul addresses them first, of wives. And simply, God has asked a wife to exhibit a submissive attitude and we looked at all the different meanings of what that means and it's nothing to do with inequality or anything like that. Both man and woman are made in the image of God, they're equal in value, but God has a particular order and he has made the husband the head just as he has made Christ the head. of the church and it's a wife's duty to submit to her husband and if you want to listen back to last week you can do that to understand what that means. But this evening, we move on to the men. And not only must in culture, the context into which Paul ministered, marriage was very much where men filled with lust, but they were also filled with license, and they could push the boundaries of biblical marriage. This helpful little excerpt from the expositor's Bible commentary gives us an insight. It says, in Grecio-Roman society, it was recognized that wives had obligations to their husbands, but not vice versa. In this, as in other respects, Christianity introduced a revolutionary approach to marriage that equalized the rights of wives and husbands and established the institution on a much firmer foundation than ever before. One word summed up the role of the wife, submit, and one word does the same for the husband, love. And so that's what we are going to think about this evening. The duty that is given to every husband to love their wife. We're going to consider three things and what this means for us as men to exercise spiritual love. to our wives. First of all, I want you to see in verse 25, and certainly the first part of it, a husband's mandate to love his wife. Paul very simply and clearly says, husbands, love your wives. Now, I think it's really important that first of all, that we recognize that Paul's exhortation is a command. This is not a suggestion, but as far as God is concerned, this is our obligation. It's not optional, but men and husbands are called to love their wives. It's not something we should choose to do, but it's something we must be doing. That's really important. Loving our wife is not something we should choose to do, But it is something we must be doing. Paul's exhortation is a command. In fact, so important is this charge that Paul repeats it three times. Verse 25, he says, Husbands, love your wives. Verse 28, he says, So ought men to love their wives. Verse number 33, Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular sow, love, Three times Paul drums this command into these Christian men. Love your wife. It's certainly hard to imagine any husband who hasn't got a love for his wife. At first glance it may seem that the man's mandate is a rather easy one. He just has to love his wife. Well, while the mandate is straightforward, it's far from menial. Listen to what Dr. Wayne Barber says. He says, to the casual observer, that sounds rather easy. Buy them some flowers, take them out to eat, and let them go shopping. A lot of husbands have odd ideas about what it means to love their wives. However, the further you go in the verse, the more you realize how beyond human possibility this is. You see, what makes this mandate so massive and so weighty is the kind of love that God asks us to love our wives with. There's all different kinds of love. There's filial love, which is like a friendly or family love. There's eros love, and that's like an erotic sexual love. The love that Paul is talking about is agape love. The Greek word agapeo, it's the kind of love that's not emotional, but sacrificial. It's unconditional love. It's the highest form of love. This is the love that God displays. This is John 3, 16 love, for God so loved the world that He gave. There's a sacrifice tied in, so this is the love that God displays. This is the love that intentionally puts another's interests and good above our own. This is the selfless love. that gives yet expects nothing in return. Why should I love my wife? My wife doesn't show me much love in return. There's not much that I feel back from her. Well, if you're going to display agape love, you love regardless of what you're getting back. Now, within a marriage, there should be filial love. Within a marriage, there should be eros love. But foundationally and primarily in a marriage, there's got to be agape love. You know, this love that Paul is speaking about, this is 1 Corinthians 13 love. 1 Corinthians 13 love. This is a love that is patient. This is love that is kind. This is love that is unenvious, unconceited. This is love that is humble. This is love that is polite. This is love that is selfless. This is love that is peaceful. This is love that is pleasant. This is love that is gracious. This is love that is joyful. This is love that is enduring. This is love that is truthful. This is love that is hopeful. This is love that is long-suffering. Not only is it 1 Corinthians 13 love, but here's the big one, this is Galatians 5, fruit of the Spirit love. This is Galatians 5, fruit of the Spirit love. This is not natural love, and therefore, men, listen tonight, and this is, you know, before we came to, you know, part D here, you know, you're sweating a bit and thinking, how can I love my wife the way the Lord has asked me? Well, here's the reality, men, tonight you can. That's why, men, if we are going to fulfill this mandate, we need to be living in the principle of verse 18. That's why it was Chuck Swindle who said that this is the most important verse in all of the New Testament because this is the key that unlocks the ability to do everything God asks us. Verse 18, be filled with the Spirit. To love my wife as God intends requires me as her husband to be filled with the Spirit. Why? This kind of love is not enough. You know, as husbands tonight, we need to take this charge seriously. It's not enough simply to provide for my wife and protect my wife and seek to please my wife. You see, we can do all these things and yet here's the thing, we can still be in the first place. You know, I can provide for my wife financially and materially. I can protect my wife. I can please my wife by doing those things that please her. And yet here's the thing, I can still put myself before her. First and foremost, we are called to love our wives. You see, that's what Paul said. Husbands, love your wives. That's the mandate. That's the foundation out of which provision and protection and pleasing and all those other things flow out of. This is the starting point. And as I say, we're first and foremost called to love our wives, not only if they have a love for us and if they care for us. Agape love is unconditional. Do you know what's interesting here? Now there would be problems in your marriage if this existed, but it's interesting here that there's nothing that wives are called to do in order to activate this command. Paul doesn't say, you know, wives, if you do X, Y, and Z, then your husband, then kicks in the clause that he's to love you. There's nothing here recorded. Paul just says to men, listen, you've got to love your wife unconditionally. Now, here's the thing I've been turning over in my head. Why is it so hard for us? Well, maybe us is a bit general. Why is it so hard as men and husbands to fulfill this mandate? To love our wives as Paul has commanded, why is it so hard? I'll tell you why I believe it's so hard. Because it puts us in second place. Because it means I have to make a sacrifice. Loving my wife means not me first. Loving my wife means sometimes I've gotta forgo what I want. You see, that's what the Lord Jesus done. And that's the husband's mandate, is we are to love our wives, not with a friendliness or an affection, or an emotion, but with self-sacrificial, selfless love that puts her needs ahead of mine. What a challenge. as we think about the husband's mandate to love his wife. But that's not where Paul stops, because if he was just to stop there, what on earth would this look like? How would we understand? We're talking about a supernatural kind of love that we know nothing really about. So secondly then, Paul introduces to us a model for loving his wife. Paul goes on to show us what this kind of love looks like because he says, husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it. He says that husbands are to love their wives with the same kind of love that the Savior has for his bride, the church. When we begin to unpack this incredible model of agape love, We will soon realize why we need the help of the Spirit to love our wives as Jesus did. How does Jesus love the church? What kind of love has he displayed? Well, first of all, he has displayed selfless love. Savior-like love. is selfless love. Think of Jesus for a moment. He set aside his own interests to become incarnate. He set aside his own glory to become lowly. He set aside his own worship in heaven to become a washer of disciples' fate. He set aside being served in heaven to become a servant of man. And that's what agape love does. Christ selflessly put the church and its needs ahead of Himself. And He loved the church unconditionally, even though He knew His children's love would often be cold. And you know, here's the thing, the Lord Jesus calls us to love Him, but yet He doesn't cease to love us when our love is cold. He calls us to love him, but yet doesn't cease to love us when our love towards him is cold. Savior-like love is selfless, but you know, Savior-like love is sacrificial. This is what Paul hones in and focuses in on here in verse 25. Think of how the Lord Jesus gave himself up, led down his life for the church. You see, Christ's love for the church was more than just a stated expression. He didn't just declare from heaven, I have a love for the church. He didn't just come down to earth and say, I have a love for everyone. It's more than just a stated expression, but it was proved through his sacrificial demonstration. John 15 and 13, Jesus Himself said, greater love hath no man than this that a man do what that he lay down his life for his friends. Romans 5 and 8, God demonstrated His love toward us and that while we were yet sinners, what did Christ do? He died for us. Here's the thing as we think about this model, as we think about This sacrificial love. Jesus saw our need as greater than his own life. Out of love, he was willing to literally die for the sake of seeing our eternal needs met. Savior-like love is selfless, it's sacrificial. But you know, Paul goes on and he tells us that it's sanctifying. Verses 26 and 27, he says that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word that he might present it to himself, a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. You see, Christ didn't just die for the church, but he lives for the church also. The Lord Jesus didn't just come, go to the cross, die, and then return to heaven, wash his hands, and say, I've done my part. Sacrificial, Savior-like love is also a sanctifying love. You see, the Lord Jesus today, He remains interested in the church. He remains invested in the church because of His great love. You see, by His death, Jesus has specially set the church apart unto Himself. He has made it the object of His constant desire, His constant devotion, and His constant delight. He has made it His peculiar and precious treasure that He lives to make intercession for His people. The church is still upon the heart of the Savior. But not only has Jesus set the church aside positionally, but He's setting it aside continually. He's continuing to work in it. to Paul talks about, refining and cleansing it until the day when the church will finally be presented perfect onto him and his investment will give him an incredible return. What we can say then and see is such is his love that Jesus has and never will lose interest in his bride, the church. We hear those tragic stories where a couple divorces. And the reason cited is not adultery or anything else. The reason cited is they just simply stopped loving each other. What a blessing to know that Jesus Christ will never stop loving his church. And as we come to then, verse 28, we have these most challenging words, because Paul then says, in light of verses 25 down to 27, he says, so ought men to love their wives. Yes. We are called to love our wives in the same way. We are called to display that selfless love, putting our wives' needs above our own. Serve, serve our wives. We don't often think about that. Wives are there to serve men, no. wives submit to their husbands and and yes and elsewhere they're called to be keepers of the home but what about agape love what about what about selfless love what about what about Jesus and how he came and he didn't come to be served but he came to serve what about us men serving our wives looking out for her needs not dismissing them as unimportant Sacrificial love. Not just telling our wives that we love her, but showing it in our actions. You know, as I thought about this point, and certainly it's true in my case personally, often our wives sacrifice a lot for us out of love. They do. It was the last time Rachel sat in a Bible study or a prayer meeting. It was the last time Rachel got to sit at the Lord's table. She sacrificed it ultimately for me in ministry, out of love. Often our wives sacrifice a lot for us out of love, when in actual fact it is us as husbands who are called to love sacrificially. What does that mean or look like? Again, to quote Dr. Wayne Barber, he says, when we are willing to step down to the level of saying, I am dying to myself, humbling ourselves before God, and I'm willing to do what is necessary to meet the needs of my wife, then you are moving into the realm of loving your wife on a divine level. with his sacrificial love. Then, as husbands, we begin to sense the needs in our wives that the Holy Spirit points out, and we are willing to do whatever it takes to meet those needs, no matter the cost to us, no matter what we have to give up to meet those needs. How do we love as Christ? We're to love our wife selflessly. We're to love our wife sacrificially, but we're to also display that sanctifying love. As husbands, we are called to take an interest in our wife and invest in her. set her apart as our own special treasure, do all within our power to keep her pure, keep her protected, keep her going on with God. Can I say something tonight to us as men? We've got to see it as our duty to help our wives spiritually become more like the Savior. Not point out all her flaws and shortcomings, but lovingly invest in her sanctification. This is what it means to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Now do we see why this is more than flowers and chocolate kind of love? I know Rachel's watching, she say, I wish I got flowers and chocolate, but that's between me and the Lord. This is a tall order. I don't think we often realize it. Talking to a pastor just today and he said, you know, sometimes as pastors we forget there was a family before there was a fellowship. Being a husband is a high calling. It's a great honor. And you know, I think at times we've got to see it as such. Harry Ironside once had a young man that he had just recently married, and he came to him in a panic, and he said, I need your help, Dr. Ironside. I'm in an awful state. I believe I'm drifting into idolatry. What's the trouble, asked Dr. Ironside, and the young man said, well, I'm afraid that I'm putting my wife into high a plea, and I fear that I love her too much, and I'm displeasing the Lord. Are you indeed asked, Ironside, tell me this, do you love her more than Christ loved the church? I don't think so, replied the young man. Well, that's the limit, replied Ironside, for we read husbands love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her. And the takeaway from that is no matter how much we love our wives, there's always room for improvement. We can And we must, as husbands, always do better. Let's wrap this up as we bring these verses to their conclusion. We have a husband's mandate to love his wife. We have a husband's model for loving his wife. But then as we come down to the last few verses in our reading, we have a husband's manner of loving his wife. Verse 28, Paul says, So what man to love their wives as their own bodies? He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet heareth his own flesh, but nourisheth it and cherisheth it even as the Lord the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. And for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and they shall be joined unto his wife, and they too shall be one. Flesh. What then does the manner or the practical outworking of loving our wives look like? Well, Paul tells us first of all that loving our wives should be no different than loving ourselves. He says that at the end of verse number 28. After all, in verse 31 we read that marriage is a one flesh union. It is two independent people coming into one interdependent union. That's what marriage is. It's two independent people coming into one interdependent union. And therefore, as we would say, and particularly in Northern Ireland and in Belfast, marriage isn't to be seen as me and her, but as us. Let that sink in. In other words, what I'm saying here is there shouldn't be double standards and different rules within marriage, just as there was in the Ephesian culture. As a husband, I can do X, Y, and Z, but as a wife, no, you can't. One rule, one standard for me, and another for my wife. Rather, Paul says we are to see and to treat our wives as an extension of ourselves, because that's what they are. In fact, I want you to notice this and look at it very carefully. Do you see the second word of verse number 28? It's the word ought. That word ought literally means a strong obligation or compulsion. In other words, Paul is saying as husbands, it is our obligation to love our wives the same way we love ourselves. That's our obligation. I don't know about you, but we don't have an awful lot of difficulty loving ourselves. However, to really love ourselves means loving our wives selflessly, sacrificially, and unconditionally. As for the manner of our love, very quickly as we finish off, Paul mentions two ways our love should be manifest. Verse number 29, two words jump out in the text. We are to both nourish and cherish. our wives. That's how this love is worked out. What does this mean? The word nourish has to do with providing for our wife. Now that's not just coming home with our pay packet or making them financially comfortable. There's so much more to it than that. The word nourish, the word literally means to nurture. Now think of bringing up a child. We provide everything a child needs to grow, not just practically, like it's food and clothing, but also we provide for our children emotionally and spiritually. And the word here is what Paul uses for husband. And he says, a husband is to nurture his wife. Now, quite often you'll hear that a lady, if she's got two children and a husband say she's a mother of three. And so often it's the wives that bring the husbands up as children. But here, as Paul uses this word, he says a husband is to nurture his wife, not treat her like a child, but show her that loving care. When you think of nurturing a child, you think of doing so with tenderness and with gentleness, not with harshness and hardness. But seeing that child being given to us into our possession to be nurtured and cared for and provided for and make sure all their needs are met. And Paul says, take that analogy. And he says, it's the duty of a husband to provide for the needs of his wife. That's what God has asked you to do. That's how you display agape love. To nourish her practically, support her emotionally, and encourage her spiritually. If I was writing my marriage report, I could do better on all three of those. But nourishing is about nourishing our wives practically, supporting her emotionally, and encouraging her spiritually. Loving our wives sacrificially is about being aware of her needs and taking those into account, not just always thinking about ourselves and ensuring that we're okay. Second manner for loving our wives is not only nourishing, but cherishing them. And that's about praising our wives. You've heard the saying, the crude saying about having a trophy wife. That's not the idea here, but it means seeing our wife as something of worth. The word cherish literally means to brood over or to keep warm. One commentator has defined the word like this, and this really helps us understand. It means to hold dear, to fail or show affection for, protect and care for lovingly, keep or cultivate with care and affection. Think of this idea, think of this analogy, think about a child, and you've probably seen this, I've certainly seen it in our house, and we see it really whenever the children get out of the bath. Think about that child who gets out of the bath, they're cold, and what does a mum do? She'll take the big towel, she'll wrap it around them, and she'll hold the child tight into herself, or a child who's been playing football, or is out in the garden, and a mum, and certainly I've seen Rachel do this, she unzips her coat, she brings one of the children in, and she maybe zips her coat up again, and as the child embraces her, and she embraces them, her warmth transfers to the child, and the coldness disappears. That's the idea of cherish. Husbands are to make their wives feel warm. Not all warm and fuzzy. Well, that was when you started dating. But warm in the sense of cared for, loved, cherished. And you know, perhaps the source of much coldness in marriage is It's the lack of hate from cherishing each other, taking each other for granted. Do you know the word in the Greek for cherish also applies to something that's softened by hate? And a lot of wives who have cold hearts towards their husbands might just be softened with a little bit of cherishing. Why should a wife be cherished? Simply because she's a gift from the Lord himself, that's why. Not because she's a brilliant cook or a good mother or all of those, they're good reasons. Why should I cherish my wife? Because she's been given to me by the Lord. Remember in the garden, Adam wasn't given to Eve. but Eve was given to Adam. Proverbs 18 and 22, Solomon writes, whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. It's a husband's duty to cherish his wife, not a traitor, as a practical skivvy or servant, but as a precious spouse. One worthy to be prized. One deserving to be cared for. and concerned for lovingly. Oh, as we have thought about maintaining a spiritual marriage, remember what our marriage is. It's a picture of this mystical union between Christ and his church. Your marriage is that, my marriage is that. And to do that, to maintain a spiritual marriage, it requires husbands and wives to play their part, wise to exhibit a submissive attitude, and for us as husbands to exercise that sacrificial love. And to do it all, verse 18, we need to be filled with the Spirit of God. May the Lord continue to fill our marriages with His Spirit, that we might be the spouses that God has asked us to be. I've went over the time a little bit this evening, but I wanted to get this little section finished, and that's us wrapped up with Ephesians 5, and we'll hopefully get through Ephesians 6 through the month of May. But I want to close just this little section before we come to pray with a hymn from our Praise Him hymn book, the love that Jesus had for me, to suffer on the cruel tree that I, a ransomed soul, might be. It's more than tongue can tell.