family and the role that the individuals within it play, the wife, the husband, the children, the parents. And I want to continue that this week in examining the role of the parents because there's a lot more that Scripture has to say than the brief comment that Paul makes there in chapter 3, verse 21. Fathers, do not exasperate your children that they may not lose heart. Now that particular command there is really an additional specific command to the parents, but it's founded on the assumption that the parents are going to be doing all the things that are in the previous 20 verses. So there is a lot more here. A godly parent needs to put off the actions, the attitudes that characterize them before they became Christ. The things that Paul specifically mentioned in that was to be putting off, or actually even putting to death. to mortify your body as to immorality and impurity and passion, evil desire and greed, which amounts to idolatry, there in verse five. To put off things such as anger, wrath, malice, slander and abuse of speech from your mouth, verse eight. And instead we become characterized by those qualities, those characteristics, those actions and attitudes of the new self. We're to put those things on. It's like taking off a garment. Take off the old dirty thing and put on the clean one. And so we should be marked by the things that Paul talked about there in verses 12 and following. Put on a heart of compassion and kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bearing with one another, forgiving each other. Forgiving each other the same way the Lord forgave us, he says there in verse 13. Having put on love, have the perfect bond of unity, and letting the peace of Christ rule in our hearts. When those things become characteristic of us as parents, it's going to have a huge effect upon our children, isn't it? If we're characterized by the previous thing, that's also going to have an effect on them. And so Paul is assuming the godly parent is going to be working towards that, moving away from the way they used to live and starting to live the way that God wants us to live in His virtues. Now, my purpose last week was simply to lay a foundation for parenting. And my major point really came down to this. Parents, you're responsible for how your kids come out. That's not a popular idea, and there's a lot of psychologists that resist that. Remember, the premise of most secular psychology is it's fine someone else to blame, because it's never your fault. It's always somebody else. Well, as Christians, we take on the responsibilities that God has given us, and parents have responsibility for their children. Now, that doesn't mean that you don't have help. It just means that you're responsible. Their spiritual development, their education, their medical care, all those things are your responsibility. It doesn't belong to the government. It doesn't belong to the school district. It doesn't belong to counselors. It doesn't belong to doctors. It doesn't even belong to church workers. It belongs to you. But let's face it, we need help. Because there's no way that we can carry out everything God wants us to do. Let's face it, even in logistical terms, how do you get everywhere you need to go unless there's help? Unless there's others that are coming alongside to help you with carrying out those responsibilities. But again, all of it is done under your direction. They can only help you fulfill what belongs to you. You have to know what's going on, when, where, why. And if you're not satisfied with those who are helping you, assisting you in getting your children where you need to go, then you know what? You need to find others that are going to help you, whether that's a teacher, a doctor, whatever else is needed. You have to be responsible. So my major points last week under this was really is that, number one, Children are going to follow your example. So make sure your example is one that is godly, that is pointing them towards Christ and walking with him. The proof of your parenting is going to be your child. Our children come out, however they are, for two reasons. Number one is God is gracious, because we're going to mess up somewhere, and it's God's mercy and grace upon us. But two, are we following the principles, the commands he's given us? We need to be doing that. Third, God requires our children to obey us, so do not get into the trap of not requiring your children. If you're doing that, and you're letting them get away with it, you're teaching them to sin. We also talked last week about that obedience is first time, it's right away, and it's with a good attitude. If that's not what's happening, you're going to be causing lots of frustration, and you're not teaching them to obey. Fourth, there's a dual responsibility for how your children turn out, okay? because we're not removing the individual responsibility. God has given all the commands he needs for every individual to live for him. You can never blame your parents for what you are. They had an influence on you, but you have decided what you're going to do. You have decided what your attitude is going to be and how you're going to live. Children cannot blame their parents. What we're responsible for as parents is have we done what God has told us to do regarding our children? That's where the failures come in on our part. We don't always do that. We fail. It may be ignorance. It may be our own stubbornness. Whatever it is, when we don't do what he says to do, we have to take responsibility for that. And that does have an influence upon our children. And then the last point I made was the solution for guilt is confession and forgiveness. Now that is an important point. And again, it's because we live in a society that so often wants to shift the blame somewhere else. No one's responsible for anything. It's always somebody else. We take on the responsibilities that God has given to us. We want our children to mature. And if we have children that have become adults, and they're not where they need to be, we want to have a continuing influence upon them and the grandchildren. Well, how do you do that? Well, humility. None of us have reached perfection. All of us are going to blow it somewhere. We confess those things. We receive God's forgiveness for it. We're freed from the guilt that comes with that. And we become more like Christ because of it. Humble parents do that quickly. As you're raising your children, when you realize you've done something wrong in how you've been treating them, confess to God, get it right with Him first, because He's the one you've mainly sinned against, but then also deal with your children. I apologize, I was wrong. I treated you this way, and I see from what God's Word says, I should have done this. Please forgive me. That takes humility on the part of a parent, but it certainly helps your child understand what forgiveness is. And it's about God, not just you and them. It gives them a model for dealing with things. It brings you closer relationship with them. The same thing is true when you do not realize that until it's long after your children are grown. That humility keeps a door open of being able to work with them. And it keeps pointing back, it's about God. It's about what he says, not about what I did or did not do. I realized I did not do everything he should. I see it now. Please forgive me. I wish I had known then what I know now and had done better. But forgive me." That gives you an open door and continues to allow you to influence not only them, but also your grandchildren. Let me put it this way. You make sure that you leave a godly legacy to your children and grandchildren, even if they don't recognize its value. You simply do what is right and let God take care of that. Okay, now that was last week. This week I want to concentrate on some of the specific commands God has given to parents concerning the rearing of your children, both positive and negative. And since Colossians 3.21 is a prohibition, something you shouldn't do, let me begin with that. and the idea of things parents should avoid. Don't worry, it's not going to be all negative today, because I would find that a very depressing sermon. So I got some positive things at the end of things to do, but we're going to start off with some things to avoid. Don't do this. Now, Colossians 3.21 says, Fathers, do not exasperate your children that they may not lose heart. Now again, I already mentioned it, it's a specific command to parents built off the fact that they should be doing everything that was commanded in the previous 20 verses. How you're the husband and wife, you're fulfilling your roles, you're walking with Christ, you're putting aside the old ways, you're walking as those who've been raised up with Christ. Ephesians 6, 4 is a parallel passage to here in Colossians. Paul is also dealing with the family there, and there Paul says, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. That's also based on the assumption that you're following what Paul had said in that passage, and specifically that you're walking as wise men who are filled with the Holy Spirit. But why would Paul give these specific prohibitions? Why not say something more positive? Right? Or what you're supposed to do. Why these prohibitions? Well, the answer lies in the abuse that can easily happen because the parents are in the superior position. The children were just commanded to do what? Obey. What happens if the parents are requiring obedience for things that aren't really taking into consideration what's good for the child? Or what the child himself is experiencing? that can easily lead to an authoritarian, arbitrary aspect of parenting. Your commands are just kind of what you want to do, and child has to do it, and you cause your child all sorts of difficulties. And so Paul is warning, and all of us need the warning because of our bent toward selfishness, is be careful here. You can end up causing your children damage. They have to obey you, but be careful what you're requiring of them. Don't exasperate them that they lose heart. Don't provoke them to anger. Now, the idea of exasperation is, the actual word here, er, fidzo, means to stir up, to stimulate, to provoke. It's a response to something that is happening. And such a stirring up could be good or bad depending on the particular circumstances. The very word is used in positive ways other places in Scripture, but here it's used in a negative sense. Don't do this kind of stimulation to your children. The father here is provoking the child, the response being a disheartening of them. Now the word here of disheartened is the negation of spirit or the negation of courage. Now, this is an interesting juxtaposition of words and ideas. Generally, if we think of something that's stimulating, we think of something that's going to cause action, right? When you stimulate something, it does something in response, it's an action. But here, something's being stimulated and it does the opposite. It's disheartened, it's discouraged, It's not doing anything. You're suppressing the action. Well, how can that be? How can you stimulate something and it causes inaction? I think it's the same way that something irritating to us physically, let's say you get a sliver in your finger or something. It hurts for a while, right? We give it a lot of attention for a while. But after a while, what happens if the sliver stays in there? Callous tissue forms around it. Long enough, you no longer even notice it. It may be a mild irritant, but it's no longer causing you a bunch of pain. You ignore it. Callous is built up. And that same thing happens when we are provoking our children in this manner. Callousness builds up until soon as they could care less. They're no longer responding. It's been too much for too long. And that has to do with even the words that are used here. It's been something that's been ongoing for a long time. That's what causes the disheartening. That doesn't happen just immediately. It happens over time, over and over and over again. The same thing is happening, and pretty soon the child becomes indifferent. It's no longer affecting them. They've built up callousness. They've built up walls in their personality against those things. and the harm that it causes. Now, this negative stimulation at first is going to cause anger. Ephesians 6, 4 deals with that one. Do not provoke your children to anger. But eventually, it discourages, it disheartens, it creates indifference, even despondency. Now, there are many things that parents can do to provoke their children to get an angry response, which, if continued long enough, is going to lead to this kind of discouragement, and they give up. Let me suggest a few things that you need to be careful about. This is certainly not comprehensive, but these, I think, are some of the major things that parents do that can cause this kind of reaction in their children. Now, let me be clear here to begin with, though, is that we do not parent based on our children's responses. We parent based on what the Word of God says. We only read those responses and ask questions to determine what's causing them, so we go back and make sure we're doing what Scripture says. Children get angry. Most often they get angry because they simply didn't get their way. That's childishness. If we allow that to go on, we have adults that do the same thing. They don't get their way and they get angry. They cause more damage because they're bigger. That has to be suppressed and corrected. But we need to be assessing ourselves when our children are responding with anger, why are they angered? Am I doing something contrary to what Scripture says I should be doing that's provoking them to this, that's wrong? I need to ask that question. Let me give you some suggestions about things we need to be careful of and avoid. Now, the first is abuse, both physical and verbal. Generally, those who abuse, whether physically or verbally, are those who cannot control their own anger, and anger simply breeds more anger. The Proverbs have a lot to say about that. For example, Proverbs 30, verse 33, for the churning of milk produces butter, and the pressing the nose brings forth blood, so the churning of anger produces strife. Anger produces worse anger. Proverbs chapter 15 verse 1, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. And that's true for kids as it is for adults. That kind of anger is never godly and it cannot produce godly adults. A very important scripture to memorize is this one, James 1 20, the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. And if you are responding in anger, taking out your anger on your children, understand what you're producing is not righteousness. You're producing more anger. Even if you've suffered at the hands of someone else, you need to remember revenge belongs to who? God, not you. We are not to respond that way. You're to overcome evil with good, so Romans 12 tells us. Now, a simple definition of child abuse is striking out a child, whether that's physically or verbally, out of anger. Anger is a key here. That is never proper for a parent, and even more so for a Christian parent. You must not even discipline your child in anger. If your child has earned their discipline, they have done what they should not have done, and they need to be chastised, and you're angry about it, what should you do? Tell them to go in a room and say, you wait there. I'm going to get my anger under control, and then I'm going to come back, and then we're going to deal with the issue. Until you've dealt with your own anger, don't touch them. Don't holler at them. Don't let your anger be something being expressed to them. You calm down first and then deal with them calmly. Do you see the difference? Once you start responding in anger, you're going to be provoking them to anger. And you're going to be teaching them that is a proper response. That's not true for us. We get ourselves in control. Now, if that becomes characteristic of you and you are responding in anger, if it goes on long enough, the child becomes despondent and can even become severely depressed. Or they can go the other direction. They just suppress it and it just sits there and burns until such point they believe they can express it. And then watch out, it may be an explosion. So you need to be careful here. A second thing that I believe that causes great harm to children and frustration leading to despondency is inconsistency. The rules keep changing. That is very frustrating. If the rules change according to your whim, and here you can see the tie back into they have to obey, and if you're just kind of whatever is on my mind now and it's inconsistent, that's very frustrating. Consider it from the child's perspective. One day, you're right on the wall and you're considered cute. The next day, you're right on the wall and it's no longer cute. Your little bottom is spanked for the same thing. One day, mom says to do something and she says it five or six times and then she finally gets serious and, okay, until that point, I guess I'm okay. The next day, she says it once and pow, she's at you. You see the necessity for first-time obedience. The child's trying to guess, when are you serious? That's inconsistent. One meal, the child is playing with his food and dad's laughing at it. The next meal, dad's the opposite reaction. He's mad and upset and you're in trouble for doing the same thing you did the last meal. That's inconsistent. It's frustrating to a child. The child's confused, uncertain. What is expected? Children generally are going to gamble when you're inconsistent. They're going to be optimistic. They're going to get away with it. and then they don't. If that goes on long enough, it becomes very frustrating. So again, you see the necessity of first-time obedience. It's a lot easier on the child and the parent if it's consistently always the first time, right away, with the right attitude. It's just easier on everybody. Now, inconsistency causes frustration, which in turn leads to anger. If such inconsistency is continued long enough, even the optimistic child is going to become pessimistic and then quit trying for fear they're going to do it wrong no matter what they do. Why try anymore? Aren't you glad the Lord's not that way with us? He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, Hebrews 13.8 tells us. He is consistent. He does not change. Pity those who are following God such as Allah who is arbitrary and changes his mind on his own whims so there is no surety in any of his promises. Our God's promises are sure because he's immutable, he's unchanging, he's consistent. So anger, inconsistency. Third, parental selfishness. It's another provocation to anger, and it's the opposite of the child-centered parent. That's a whole different problem. Now, the degree of selfishness is going to vary, but for these parents, the world revolves around themselves, and the children are intrusions into their world. The result is they don't take the time to really know their children, what's on their children's hearts. Now, it may be a little more common in dads because the way our society is set up, dads are often away from home. They're not around the children as much. But it can also occur with moms. They can be very self-centered. The parents may be physically present, but their mind is somewhere else, and only rarely on the children, and then only enough to keep them out of their way. That's parental selfishness. Now, the child with a selfish parent will not be usually angry at the parent. They're gonna be angry at the thing that's keeping the parent away from them, because what they want is the parent's attention. So whatever thing it is that's keeping that away, that's what they get angry at. But as they get older, that's going to change to an anger, resentment, and indifference because there was not this practical demonstration the parent actually cared about them. The parent cared about themselves. If it goes on long enough, the child becomes like the parent. Remember the old, what was it, Cat Stevens' song, The Cat in the Cradle? Cats in the Cradle? The son wants to be with his dad, but dad never had time. The dad gets old and wants to be with the son, and now the son doesn't have time. And the last part of the song is, my son was just like me. The selfish indifference was passed to the next generation. That's what ends up being taught. So parental selfishness. Another one, favoritism. Now that's a danger for every family with multiple children. Those who have multiple children realize every single one of them is different, right? And if they were the same, it'd be easy. You get the first one down, and then they just do the same thing with all the others. But it doesn't work that way. You finally think you figured out what to do with the first one, and the second one's completely different. And you're like, now what? I thought I had this down. I think that's the reason God gives us multiple children. It really keeps us humble and relying upon him rather than our supposed wisdom. We've got to rely upon him. Now, because the child is different, there's going to be different amounts of time, different types of attention the child is going to need. If you add to that that, let's face it, there are personality differences, and some personalities you really like, some personalities you don't, If you're not careful and you start allowing yourself to favor one over the others and are not fair to the others, you're showing favoritism in your own selfishness. And you will be the cause of the increased sibling rivalry among them. And all the anger, all the resentment against it, you're the source of it. The anger and rivalry that exists between Jacob and Esau was directly caused by the parents. Rebecca favored Jacob. Isaac favored Esau and both kids really knew that. Jacob followed his parental example and his obnoxious favoritism of Joseph. That's what caused Joseph so much problems with his brothers. It wasn't just Joseph himself, it was dad's obnoxious favoritism of him. Joseph gets all the stuff and we've got to go out and work. How come dad doesn't do that for us? Be very careful of that. That caused millions of problems for Joseph himself and his other 11 sons. Jacob regretted it. Fifth, excessive expectations and discouragement. Excessive expectations and discouragement. Now I put these two together because they're usually associated with each other. Now this is the parent that continually demands more of the child than the child is actually capable of doing and then castigates the child for failing. Okay? Excessive expectations, and then you discourage them, maybe even what they tried. Now, such parents usually fail to take into account childishness. What's childishness? Childishness is simply the fact that it takes time to learn skills. They simply are not capable of doing that particular thing yet. They're learning. For example, it takes practice for a little toddler to hold the cup and not spill it. Isn't that why you use sippy cups? So when it falls over, not everything gets lost while they're learning to hold the cup and get it to their mouth without getting it everywhere. Right? It takes time. It takes time to learn to color between the lines. That's a skill. It takes time to learn to recognize the alphabet and to write it legibly. Some of us still haven't learned that. Still trying to write legibly. Praise the Lord for typewriters and computers and things that you can read what I write. It takes time to learn to catch a ball and throw a ball. And then you get into the more difficult skills. What about riding a bike? Or for those of us in that age, how about teaching them to drive? Woo! Mark, it's coming, right? These are skills. Same with school lessons, household chores, teaching them how to fix their own stuff that they break, all that. It takes time for them to learn these things. We need to be careful what our expectations are. In addition, the reality is is that none of us are born the same. God has not created us equal. We are equal in standing before him. We are not equal in our abilities. Some people are very gifted intellectually. Some people are very gifted physically. My younger brother, and that was the irritant, my younger brother, anything he did physically, it was easy. I was taking, I remember in high school, I was taking tennis, and I was asked to be on the tennis team. All right, I'm learning this. So my brother said, hey, that looks interesting, let's go out and play. He never played before, he beat me. Lord, this is not fair. All right, he had to teach me how to snow ski. I wasn't getting it, so he taught me. He's my younger brother. All right, we're gifted differently. So are your children. Be careful of what you're demanding of them. You need to know them well enough to know what they're capable of, and then your expectation's a simple one. They need to pursue their best. whatever that is, whatever it is. If your child is advanced, they're superior in whatever, we'll compliment them on their achievements, there's nothing wrong with that. But be very careful about bragging them on them in such a way that they are gonna rest on their laurels. It only feeds their pride. If they can do it well, pursue excellence, do better, keep at it. I have to admit, that's one of the reasons I think Diane and I enjoyed homeschooling is because where the kids were doing really well, they could just keep pursuing it and they would do excellent in it. And where they weren't doing so well, well, we could practice the next thing. When they're not so advanced, compliment them, encourage them on what they have done. And again, just do your best. You don't have to reach a certain level at a certain time. You really don't. I don't care what the school district says. I don't care what your neighbors say or other parents or anybody else. Your child is your child. They have capabilities. Help them pursue excellence. Why? Because what counts here is not their accomplishments. That will come in time. It's character. It's character. That will take them all the way through life. if they learn to read at age four? Great, that's wonderful, they're reading early. What if they don't learn to read till age seven? By the time they're 21, can they read? I hope so. All right, they can accomplish that skill, but what's more important behind it is the character going up to it. How many really smart kids have ended up left by the wayside because they're never challenged to be excellent? They became lazy, laziness became their pattern of life, and they end up destroying themselves because they were lazy. And here the kid, without as many natural skills, becomes the excellent one because he had to keep pursuing. His character was developed by it. Be very careful both directions on this, okay? The goal is to train character, not skills, not the lessons within some set timeframe. Let them go at the pace that's pursuing excellence on their part. Be very careful as well of how you speak to them. If you, let me go back a minute here. Be careful of this, too. You create sibling rivalry when you start comparing them to each other, siblings. You can also create problems when you start comparing other kids from other families. Simply have them pursue excellence. If you start complaining about them, make disparaging remarks about their lack, you are going to discourage them. You compare them and you start throwing sarcasm. Why can't you be like your brother? Why can't you be like your sister? Why can't you be like so-and-so? That only discourages. Don't do that. Ephesians 4.29 is very clear that we are to speak in ways that build up, that give grace according to the need of the moment, not tear down. Don't tear down your children. Build them up, encourage them. Get under them and push them up if you have to. but help them pursue excellence, train their character. Don't let your parental pride become a detriment to your child through excessive expectation and discouragement. A sixth point, using affection to manipulate. This is a sure way to destroy your kids. We are to be reflections of God's love to us. And when did God love us? When we hit sinners, all right? When your children disobey, there is certainly going to be a strain in the relationship, just as there's a relationship strain with us, with God, when we disobey Him. How do we correct that? We confess, He forgives, and we go on with life. When we are out of fellowship with God, does God still love us? How do we know that? He's told us all through His scriptures He loves us, and that He's not changing. And one way He tells us He loves us, according to Hebrews 12, is that He corrects us. Hebrews 12 actually says He chastens those whom He loves. Without discipline, you're illegitimate, and not His sons. But in the chastening process, He's always making sure it's known that He loves us. We ought to reflect that with our own children. That's actually the comparison. As a father loves his children, so the Father, the Heavenly Father, loves us. Yes, there's correction. Yes, there's all sorts of conflicts that come up between your kids. Do they know that you love them even in the midst of that? That's reflective of God's love. If you try and manipulate the child's behavior by making your love conditional upon it, you will distort their understanding of love, and it will bring upon them even more frustration and discouragement. Why? Because there will always be some other area in which they will fail to meet the standard. Winning love becomes achievable only in the short term. There's never any security in it. That insecurity of not feeling loved is only relieved temporarily before it returns again because they failed in something else, and now you're withholding their love from them. That frustration ends up with an unreachable goal, which results in complete discouragement. I'm not even going to try anymore. I can't do it. I can't win it. I want it, I long for it, and I can never achieve it. Be very careful here. You have a great responsibility. Do not provoke your children to anger. Do not exasperate them so that they lose heart. If that becomes your pattern of parenting, you are going to damage your children, and you're going to hinder them throughout their lives. Now, the reality is that you are going to provoke them at times to anger, and there will be patterns in your life sometimes that's going to dishearten them. Look to God's word, ask advice of other godly parents to expose those things in your own life so you can quickly confess them and change them. Get it right. And keep pushing forward. God is gracious, he's merciful. I'm amazed what kids can go through and come out okay. But that's God's mercy, isn't it? You keep working on your part of it as a parent to be the best parent you possibly can be before God. And your children will receive the blessing for that. Now there's a lot more scriptures that direct parents about things that they're avoiding raising their children. In fact, the Proverbs have a lot of statements about that, usually in a juxtaposition. Don't do this, but do this. Or do this and don't do this. And here's the ramifications of it. And perhaps next week I'll continue on this subject if there's enough interest. But for the time that remains this morning, I want to be on the positive side. Here's a bunch of things you shouldn't do, right? That always kind of weighs you down, at least I always find that. It's another thing I got to keep in the list, make sure I don't do that. But there's positive things too, and if we're doing the positive things, you know what? Most of the negative things are taken care of. So let me look briefly at some of the positive principles of parenting, and this is going to come from Ephesians 6, 4, because that's the contrast that Paul makes in that passage. He says, fathers, do not exasperate your children or do not provoke your children to anger. Then he says this, but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. That's the positive. Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Now, to bring them up, eka trefo, is primarily used of children. It's used a few other places, but usually it's in relationship to children. Bring them up, and it means to nourish, as in to feed, provide, to nurture, or to rear. And as we're all aware, feeding is an ongoing action. Most of you probably had breakfast today. You probably had dinner last night. And when you leave here, you're probably going to do what? Go get something to eat. Feeding just keeps coming and coming and coming, right? Well, same thing with raising your children. You can see the relationship here now of why the idea to bring up, to feed is ongoing and hence nurture. To rear, it's ongoing. I'm sorry parents, but you're right. There isn't rest. It's ongoing. There's always more that can be done, should be done. There's always a new situation to deal with. Now it seems that we're moving on But we have to do that. All the things a child learns through life is going to be sequential, aren't they? The child is born and first you got them to roll over. Wow, they're rolling over. And then you can't leave them alone anymore, because now they're rolling all over the place. They can roll off the bed. You know, a newborn, you put in the bed, they just stay there. They start rolling over, they're going to go off the bed. So I can't do that anymore. I've got to be more careful here. Well, then they start to crawl. Uh-oh, now I've got to start shutting doors and put up gates and stuff, because they're crawling all over the place. Then they learn how to open doors, right? So many cabinets, so little time, right? and you put those funny locks that the kids can open and you can't on them. Well, then they start to walk, and this is thrilling. And then they're walking all over the place, and then it's running. That's the way skills are, aren't they? Then riding a bike. the coordination for driving a car. All those things are sequential, aren't they? The same thing is when we're teaching them. You recognize the letters of the alphabet, start recognizing them when these letters are put together, they form words and words have meaning. Then we teach them to write and to read and then to write and read on their own and let's face it, all through school it just becomes more advanced. more difficult writing and reading. Math's the same way, isn't it? They learn to count. One, two, seven, no, we're gonna try it again. One, two, oh, three. We teach them to count, and then we add, and subtraction, and then multiplication, and then division, and then it starts really getting fun, because you get to percentages, and proportions, and geometry, and algebra, and some of you are like, oh no, I hate it, and calculus. Yeah, calculus. No, I'm not going there. Well, it's sequential, isn't it? We have to bring them up sequentially, teaching the skills they need for life. The same thing is actually true in their social skills. We teach them to talk and we get thrilled. Daddy. Actually, dad, dad, and mama first. And we teach them to start talking and then you got to teach them to shut up. Okay? It's sequential. But their social skills that are involved in there, we're teaching them that as well. The moral reasons why we do certain things and don't do other things. We bring them up, we nurture them, we rear them. And Paul speaks here of two aspects of bringing up a child. Discipline and instruction. Now, discipline is an interesting word. Padilla, it's actually very specific to training a child, and it encompasses all the aspects of training a child. And so it's translated also as chastening and nurture, instruction, discipline, and training. And that's why whatever version of the Bible you had may have differed than the NAS when I was reading through the passage, because these words are fairly broad. Now there's a tendency to think of child training, especially if discipline aspects, it's just the negative side of teaching them lots of prohibitions. Here's all the things you can't do. No, the word is much broader. It includes that. It certainly includes the negative side of discipline. But most discipline actually should be positive, not negative. Not here's the things you shouldn't do. It's here's the things you should do and here's why. That's what most of our training should be. The moral reasons, the spiritual reasons about how you get along in the world and society, how you get along with walking with God. It involves example. It involves lecture. It involves reading and observation. It involves discovery. It sets up opportunities for the child to practice and gives reminders as well as correction back to the standard that we want them to have, God's standard. And that happens every day through all the circumstances. Turn over to Deuteronomy chapter 6. Moses dealt with this issue because he had a problem. God had told him he was about to die. He would be able to look in the promised land. He was not going in. At this point, he's 120 years old. The first generation that had left Egypt, they had died out for the rebellion. The second generation is now grown up. They're going to go into the land, and he has a task before him. I have to teach this second generation about to go in the land the principles that they need to pass on their children so their children and their children's children and children's children's children on down to the generations will be able to live in the land with God How are you going to do that? How are you going to pass down the lessons of life beyond your generation and into the generations that follow, the ones that you may not even know and may never know? You will pass from the scene long before they're born. How do you do that? And he tells us. Starting in verse four, he says, Hero Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is one. This is the Shema. When you see flackeries on Orthodox Jews or you see the mezuzah on the side of a house of a Jewish person. What's inside is this verse. It's written and it's stuffed inside there. The Shema, here is what it means. The Lord is our God, the Lord is one, and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might. Moses has taken all the commandments, all the law, and he's made it into its most succinct, important point. Its foundational principle is loving God. Because if that is true, do you realize that all the other details are going to flow out of it? If you love God in this manner, is there going to be a problem with idolatry? No. If you love God in this manner, is there going to be any problem with using his name in vain? No. You see how it flows? If you love God in this manner, will you not follow the other things he says about how to treat other people? And you would treat them the way God treats them? Doesn't that take care of loving neighbors as yourself? Because you want to treat them the way God wants. You want to be reflective of him because you love God. So this is the most succinct statement you can make about all the law. Jesus said in, was it Matthew? Well, I'll skip my mind at the moment. I think it's Matthew 20, that this is the great law, and the second is like unto it, love your neighbor and yourself. But this is the great commandment. And Moses is telling them, this is the way that you're going to train them. First, teach them the basic principle of life, and it's loving God. Now he gets into the next verse, verse 5, on how to transfer this to the next generation. He says this, and these words which I am commanding you today shall be on your heart, and you shall teach them diligently to your sons. You shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. In other words, you are to teach your children about God the principles by which they are to live in every single situation of life. Every situation. Now, that's hard work. Because we get lazy. We get selfish. We don't want to try and keep pointing out everything every moment of the day. But that's how we do it. When we're sitting down, when we're walking by the way, when we lie down at night, when we rise up in the morning, we're always pointing out here's what God is like, here's his nature, here's his character, here's how it's being displayed, here's how you walk with him, here's how you love him with all your heart, soul, and mind strength. We're pointing these things out. Your goal is that they're going to understand that and then have many, many, many examples that transfer to their own situations. So parenting is an ongoing activity of teaching a child to think for himself according to the principles of God's Word, and it's instilled through proper training. That's our goal. So that's training. The second word that Paul uses here in Ephesians 6.4 is instruction. Now this word gives a little more stress, actually gives a lot more stress, on the mental aspects of teaching because the root of the word means to set in mind, to set in your cognitive thought. Now instruction sets in the mind both the spiritual and societal truths of life, how to live with God and with man. This is most exemplified in the Proverbs. Proverbs chapter 1, verses 2 through 6 tells us why the Proverbs are written down for us, their purpose. And this is why we love them so much. They're the practical things of how to go live life. If we will memorize them, we can apply them to life. Proverbs were given to know wisdom and instruction, to discern the sayings of understanding, to receive instruction in wise behavior, righteousness, justice, and equity, to give prudence to the naive, to the youth, knowledge, and discretions. A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel to understand a proverb and a figure, the words, the wise, and their riddles." That's why they're given to us. That's why it's very good. Teach your children the proverbs. It's teaching them wisdom. Now, there's also a strong element of correction in this element of the child rearing, which is why this particular word is also translated as admonition, warning, exhortation, as well as instruction. It's all part of it. In this sense, it's instructive correction given without provoking or embittering the child. Now, there's a final point that needs to be made here from Ephesians 6.4. And that is that parental discipline, parental instruction, is given in a way that it's of the Lord. It's according to the Lord. Now, the primary task in the parents now, your task, if you're actively still rearing them, is the same as what Moses talked about back in Deuteronomy 6. Nothing's really changed. It is to teach your children about who God is, what He has done, and how to love Him. That's the goal, that is what we're after. And if that is not what you achieve, if that's not what you do, do you realize you have failed as a parent regardless of anything else you ever do achieve? Too many dads have the idea they're successful because they've managed to get some kind of employment where they bring back lots of bucks and then purchase all sorts of stuff for their kids. I'm a successful dad because look at the stuff I've given to my kids. So what? If your kids do not love God, that stuff is a detriment and it's going to lead them to hell because they're going to be materialistic and they think that's what life is about. Too many moms think that, hey, I'm successful because I've given my kids lots of time. I go here, I go there. I am the ultimate cab driver for my family. I'm everywhere giving time to my kids. But if that time is not used wisely to teach your children to know God, to love Him, you've wasted your time. I realize that's strong language, but we need to understand the importance of this. God has given a task, and that task is what's supposed to be fulfilled. Teach your children about God and to love him. That's our goal. Everything else revolves around that goal. Now, do you see when we talk about the negative things, things not to do, that if my goal is that, am I really going to be in danger of provoking my children to anger? If I'm teaching them to love God, No. Am I going to be continuing on in such a way that I'm going to exasperate them and dishearten them and cause them to be despondent? No, because I'm teaching them to love God. And in the process of teaching them about God, guess what I'm always reminding myself of? I have to love God. And this is what he's really like. So that's why it's the goal. Nurturing a child in the discipline and instruction of the Lord really needs to encompass what 2 Timothy 3, 16, and 17 talks about. We use the Scriptures to teach, approve, correct, and instruct in the path of righteousness. All Scripture is inspired by God, and it's prompt for what? For doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness. Well, what is that talking about? Well, basically, that's what parenting is. I need to use the Word of God to bring my child into this understanding. What is teaching? Teaching is teaching them that is the path of life. In fact, you can think of it sort of like one of these clover leaves on the highway. That's the highway. That gets you to your destination. That's where you want to go. All right? So the child is heading off that way, and the child gets off the path. Well, now I've got to reprove them. Son, daughter, you're off the path. You're not on the highway anymore. You're off the path. Okay, that's reproving. That's telling them they're wrong. Correction. Here's to get back on the path. You need to do this, this, and this and get back on the path of life that'll take you where you need to go. What's instruction? Son, daughter, this is how you stay on the path so you don't veer off it again. That's what we use the Word of God for. And it does exactly that. It tells us that's the path of life. Oops, I got off it. Oh, here's how I get back on it. Here's how I stay on the path and not get off it again. Not make that same mistake twice, fall into that same sin. That's what we are doing as parents with our children. Now let's face it, parenting is no easy task, is it? Although you have been through it, you know it is no easy task. Those of you in the middle of it, you wonder if you'll survive sometimes. You will. Okay? You will survive. You will survive the toddler age. You will survive the questioning age of everything else goes in the sun. And if you're doing it right, you actually should enjoy the teens. That should be the best time in your family. But if you don't do it right, I can guarantee you it's going to be the most heartache you've ever experienced in your life. God has set forth how he wants us to do it. No parent has it all together. We need to help each other. We never should be pointing to our children comparing some other kids. We have it all together. You don't. If you look in the mirror, you're going to find places you blew it. And as your kids get older, you will find out somewhere, oh, we need to correct that. Usually you first learn that when they start to talk, right? And they repeat words. you didn't really think you were saying. You are saying them. As they get older, you see more of a reflection of yourself. They go, we gotta change that, because that's not good. We walk in humility, seeking to encourage each other, working with one another, helping one another with our children, encouraging other people's children towards the same goal. And that's what makes a church family a church family. We want our children to know God, to love him, and to walk with him. If you commit yourself to bringing your children up in this manner, following what Moses said to the children of Israel in Deuteronomy 6, love God this way, be diligent to teach them, raise them in the discipline to nurture the admonition of the Lord, it's instruction. Avoid provoking them to anger, avoid causing them to lose heart by exasperating them. I can guarantee you, your children will be a blessing to you and everybody else around them. That is the real mark of a successful parent.