I have prayed over this message, these series of messages. More than any in a long time. Let me put it that way. I, in a sense, tonight don't want to preach. Somehow, desperately, I want to communicate. See, people are crying already. That's quite all right. She's supposed to do that. Even in coming to the pulpit here, and I thought, do I go down on the ground level? I fear that there's at least the opportunity that we get comfortable into our pew. And now is the time when that guy gets up and drones, and he drones for about 45 minutes. And so the brain kind of glosses over, the eyes glaze. Folks, if that happens tonight, it'll be tragic, not because you miss what I have to say. Because somehow you have missed or failed to grasp the significance of what we're talking about and when we're talking about it. Try to think of all kinds of ways to get our attention, to get us to be real, to come to grips with what we're talking about. And none of them seem to satisfy it. Folks, the reality of it is. Marriages are a mess. Some of them may not bear the marks of being a mess, some of them may not be that the pieces are hanging out all over the place, but they're dying on the inside. It is truly a rarity today to find a marriage, no matter how long the people have sustained it. That truly is what God intended for it to be. And most are satisfied to find their own status quo and live with that. If anything, I want to challenge us during these days to say, I don't want status quo. I don't even want my own status quo, whatever level of satisfaction I have come to in my relationship where I can grin and bear it and get through and it works for me. I don't want that. I want nothing less than what God wants for my home. And I will tell you that until we start with some level of interdependent transparency within our marriages, it'll never happen. And I'm here to tell you tonight at the very outset that if you sit here tonight and say, when he goes first or when she goes first, you will live with status quo from now to the grave. If you get nothing at all out of my message tonight other than this, true love goes first. So you answer the question, do you really love your spouse? And if you get nothing else, it will go first to say, you know what, I'm not satisfied with status quo. God deserves better than that from our marriage. You deserve better than that from our marriage. The world deserves a better picture of Christ's love for the church than that. I don't want status quo anymore. You know the statistics, I won't bore you with them. It used to be said, it's shocking that half of every marriage that will take place this year will end in divorce. Like, wow, one out of every two couples were so thrilled and delighted to be getting married. Will end in divorce. But the statistics are actually worse than that, folks. We're living in a culture that is more and more and more inclined to a second marriage or third marriage. We think that's right because I went through the first one and I figured it all out. It was a school of hard knocks and now I got it figured out. The statistics don't get better, folks. Sixty percent of all second marriages end in divorce. The statistics are worse. Why? Because it becomes easier to throw the switch. That's not the answer. Today, there are more children abused and wives beaten in the United States of America per capita than at any other time in our history. Today, suicide is the number one killer of teenagers in America. By the way, number two is vehicular accident, but they cannot decide how many of them are not actually suicide. At present, approximately one and a half million human beings are murdered each year in the United States of America by means of abortion. In the last ten years, I believe, New York City, among the black population, what are the statistics? Ten million born. 10 million aborted in New York City. Same 10 year period, the population of Romania is 25 million. 25 million abortions in the same 10 year period in the country of Romania. Folks, the social fabric of our culture around us is not just falling apart, it has fallen apart. And if we gauge the relative success of our homes and our marriage based upon the culture around us, we will all spend our days patting ourselves on the back for how good a home we have compared to the world. But the reality of it is we're comparing ourselves in the wrong place. And our homes may completely be a disaster. Even though we're better than the culture. Today, While all of that is happening, there is a plethora and probably more available material on marriage than at any other time. Everywhere you turn from politics to church to philosophy, everybody has an opinion. If you watch TV, listen to the radio, read books, the newspaper, all have advice for your home. So more advice and more failure. I don't want us to discover a whole bunch of newfound truth. I don't want us to find new tricks, new angles, new ways. But I want to plead with us. To understand and go back to the basics. With a heart that's humble enough to say, you know what? We didn't get that. Or you know what? There was a time when we got that, but that's not where we're at now. And I challenge you as we begin this series where the Lord leads us, that you will start out by saying, I want to change. God, where you touch my heart, where you show me a need, where you lead me, I'm going. I want to change. Because, folks, the reality of it is the statistics aren't just out there. They just aren't. I wrestle with how much to share, but I'm here to tell you that due to privacy, I can't share with you the details, but I just can share with you this. The statistics aren't out there. There are people sitting in this auditorium tonight who right now are contemplating the ends of their homes. That's the reality of it, folks. There are people sitting in here tonight caught in the throes of the very things that will destroy their relationship. We've got to get honest. And we've got to get humble. We've got to realize God's source of help. Far and away, most couples who marry, though there are some exceptions, but most couples who marry. marry with the intention of having successful homes. There are very few who start out saying, give this a whirl, but not planning on it going anywhere. So it's not for a lack of good intention. They know that many marriages go on the rocks and those that do not are not really all that happy, but they are sure they're going to be different. And the reason they're going to be different is because they here comes, they really love each other. As though every marriage that failed before them, somehow they didn't really love each other, something else going on, but they really love each other. And they really do. They begin with great expectations and it seems like before long that is overtaken by great frustration and that marriage made in heaven comes crashing to earth. The stars in their eyes become faint shooting stars and the gleam is gone. And the delight quickly becomes disillusionment in the mundane world of everyday life. You see, every little girl dreams of having a marriage made in heaven. The question is, is it really possible? And if it is, how can I how can I get one? Tonight, my primary focus, I've said, is communication, and I guess really maybe a better topic would be understanding. Rather than just communication. It's understanding. Within the bonds of marriage, what is this thing? What is it supposed to be? What was God after? And how am I supposed to relate to you and you to me? What is this supposed to be about? So tonight, that's what I want us to explore, but as we do, I want us to grasp maybe a little bit. Some of the difficulty that we might face with that, so I've got a short video that I want us to watch that maybe will help us understand this issue of understanding one another. Some of what goes on that brings confusion and maybe frustration as we understand a little bit about how a man's brain works, though your spouse may question that, and how a woman's brain works. And so a short video. We're getting a grasp for the way the brains work. Now, not every man's brain works or doesn't work that way and not every woman. So you could sit here and say, no, see, that's not my brain. I'm out. Check out. That's not us. Go ahead. I'd like to ask your spouse, however, which way they think your brain works. We face the reality. That The task that God has called us to in marriage is difficult. It actually will take everything you've got. Every ounce of effort, every piece of creativity, it'll take every bit of sacrifice. The cost is high. If you're truly going to have what God says marriage is to be, and that is a one flesh relationship. Why do people get married? Question I ask every time a couple asked to meet me, they come in and say, Esther, we want to get married. I say, really, why do you want to do that? Not in that tone. People get married for all kinds of reasons, friendship. More and more, I'm finding fantasy. There are times I think about the poor spouse in the room and as I listen to why these people are getting married, I think you don't stand a ghost of a chance. You are never going to live up to all of that, never. Some for financial benefit. Wow, are they in trouble? One of the things we need to do is ask, why did we get married? But there's a more important question that I think every one of us needs to answer if we're going to come to an understanding of how we're to understand each other in this relationship. And that is why marriage? You ever ask that question? Why marriage? Did somebody come up with this as a good idea? Because frankly, today, our culture is asking that question and the answer they're coming up with is, yeah, we really don't need it. We really don't need it. But every five, six, seven weeks or so, I get the opportunity to go down to Lifeline Crisis Pregnancy Center and have the privilege there of talking with some of the clients that come through there who've made the choice of life. They're going to have a baby. And you know what is becoming a very common term, and it's not just there, it's becoming common in our culture. If you go online, you'll find it. That the mothers who are preparing and going to have a child. Don't refer to this as my significant other. My fiance, my boyfriend. My husband or wife. He's baby daddy. And that's not a derogatory term, that's who he is, that's that's his role in this whole thing, he's baby daddy. And by the way, our system of entitlement has encouraged that when you do the math, When I'm having my second or third child, and the reality of it is, if I were to get married, my benefits are going to be cut in half and my Medicaid is going to be cut off. They look at you and say, why would I get married? Not to shock us, but in places like the Netherlands, there is actually the exploration of renewable marriage licenses to keep the courts clear. You know, if we just have them be renewable and you decide you don't want it anymore, you don't renew it. You don't have to go to court. You don't have to go through the ugly divorce. You don't have to pay all those fees. Just don't renew it like you don't renew your driver's license. Our world is asking the question, why marriage? And you know what? They're not coming up with a lot of good answers. Do you know there's an answer? God gave us an answer. Here with me to Genesis chapter two. Genesis chapter two. We come to this passage scripture, you know, the creation story very well, but don't miss don't miss the foundation to the home in the middle of this in the setting. I want you to see the condition of things. Verse thirty one says this, and God saw everything that he had made and behold, it was where the next two words. Oh, come on. It was very good. Hebrew terminology is that it was excellent. It was just the way he intended it to be, just the way God wanted it. That was the condition of things. Then I want you to look in chapter two. Look at verse 18 of chapter two. And the Lord God said it is not good. There's the first not good in the Bible. It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him get it now and help meet for him. Not now, not to help me. It's not a name for a slave or a servant. It is an help that is rightly fitted to him because obviously there was a need in him. And that need, that not good thing was aloneness. Think about it theologically for a minute. God had a perfect plan to make a perfect creation with a perfect man. We see that plan perfectly implemented. The time it's all said and done, there's something that is not yet finished. Something was not yet complete. There's a part of the completeness of man that has not yet been accomplished. God provided a solution. Listen to this, and God said, let us make man in our image after our likeness and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image and the image of God created him. Male and female created he them. Let us make man in our images. The first command that uses the plural pronouns us and our and the first time God speaks of himself. The word for God that is used is Elohim, and it is in the plural form. God made man in his image. Genesis chapter two, verses 20 through 25, and Adam gave names to all cattle and to the fowl of the air and every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found and help meet for him. Something's missing. In fact, I believe there was a dynamic of the image of God that was missing in Adam. And it was the social dynamic. God is a trinity. And there's unique fellowship within the Trinity that Adam, as a singular man, could not have. There was a likeness to his creator that he could not know until God created for him the capacity for that oneness. The Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept, and he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And the rib which the Lord God had taken from man made he a woman. and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Why marriage? Here's God's If you will, general statement about marriage, he makes it five times throughout the scriptures for this cause, this oneness, this coming together, this social dynamic, shall a man leave father and mother and established home. And he shall cleave unto his wife and the two shall become one flesh. For what cause? That he can be complete. that he can reflect his creator in that dynamic. Folks, hear me, God did not intend marriage to be convenient. God did not intend marriage to be easy. God never intended marriage to scratch your itch. He never intended it to be just a good way to work things out. That's what people do. You grow up and maybe you go to college and then you get married. That's just what people do. It's not just a social convention. God intended marriage so that you could best reflect your creator. Is that what your marriage is doing? Can you say that the dynamic of social interaction and intimacy that is there between the members of the Godhead, just try to fathom that. That's somehow a picture of the relationship you have with your spouse. Is there that level of understanding? That level of intimacy? Communication? You see, that's why marriage, that's what God intends, that's what Adam was missing. That's the one thing he didn't have in all the rest of creation, and God brought a singular one that was fitted to him so he could have that kind of intimacy, because without it, there was something missing in his reflection of his creator. It's that level of understanding I want us to long for. You see, marriage is the divinely ordained program of God for completing the social dynamic of man being created in his image. Something went wrong, didn't it? Sin came. And when it came, God said in Genesis 316, under the woman, he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception in sorrow. Thou shalt bring forth children. And thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. When the fall came and the curse that came with it, this dynamic of social intimacy fell. And rather than having the natural longing and desire for this oneness and this unique understanding, this oneness that brings us to the place where we comprehend each other's needs and thus can meet those needs, it fell. Instead, there was interjected pride that led marriage to become a competition. And there's a word that maybe best describes most marriages today, as I look at them as an outside observer, it's this word, it's competition. Somehow we live this life and I'll get mine and you get yours. As long as I get mine and you get yours, then maybe we'll be happy. Satisfied or we'll put up with it. It's a result of the curse. That little expression there, thy desire shall be to thy husband, doesn't mean she was cursed to love her husband. Means your desire will be to have his position, to rule over him, but he's going to rule over you and there's going to be this constant battle of wills and of wits and of ways and of desires. Rear its ugly head over and over and over again. God has a plan, and this verse that he uses to describe Holmes is given to us again and for a last time in the New Testament in Ephesians chapter 5. I want you to turn there with me tonight, Ephesians chapter 5. I won't take the time to read the whole passage, but I want to challenge you during the course of this month as a couple to memorize these verses. Twelve verses, Ephesians 5, 21 to 33. Because it's God's portrait of what marriage is supposed to be in verse 31, he says again, for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they too shall be one flesh. It's God's blueprint for marital intimacy. He calls us to an isolation of everything else that would draw our attention that leaving and then to an inclination towards one primary object in cleaving and an investment into the relationship through weaving and what he intends to be our primary human relationship so that we become one flesh. And that's intimacy. The night I ask you is the primary desire of your life to know what goes on in your spouse's mind, whether that be the understanding that his brain compartmentalizes everything and disconnects them and it's in the boxes. I want to know how the boxes work. And I will pour myself with all the passion that I have and the power that I have in the pursuit that I have, because I long to know that that's how his brain works. Or is this the opposite to understand that to her, everything is connected. It's emotion that drives those connections so that she never forgets anything. What a great picture. It's easy for us to stand and say, you know, men and women are different. And so somehow we we have this answer that says, you know, men and women are different, you just can't understand them. And so that's the final verdict, and on we go, you realize that when I make that statement, I have said I will never have the marriage God intended for me to have. I'll learn to put up with my spouse whatever way his or her brain happens to work, but I can't understand it, so I'll just live with it. God hasn't called you to a life of somehow coexisting in toleration. I'm here to tell you that is going to fail someday. He's called us to a passionate pursuit of oneness. Oneness, that means I'll set aside everything else if I have to, because this is my primary human relationship. I have to know how that mind works. I need to know what it's thinking. I need to know what drives it. I need to know what stimulates it. I need to know what its passions are. That's what God intended. Because that's the way things are in the Trinity. This one flesh idea. Here's a definition for you if you want to write it down. It's just mine. The complete identification of one personality with another personality in a community of interest and pursuits. It is a sharing which involves mutual feeling, appreciation and understanding. I won't repeat that so you can buy the tape. CD, video, watch it online, something, but that's one flesh. The reality of it is we don't start out and encounter divisions. We start with division. Because of the fall, we start this pursuit of intimacy, this pursuit of understanding, this pursuit of oneness, this pursuit of appreciation and affection and sharing of goals and dreams, we started divided. Ever take two things and try to have them occupy the same space? Ever do that? Think of some illustrations of that. Think of two cars that decide they're going to occupy the same space. Ugly mess. Right? Think of two glasses in the sink that decide they're going to occupy the same space. Either they go inside each other and they're not technically occupying the same space, they're trying to get there, but smash. This one flesh relationship, we're talking about two things occupying one space. You know what happens if you try to put two things together in one space? Friction. Is friction bad? Oh, yeah. See, we don't want any friction in our home. Avoid friction at all costs. No, because if there's no friction, there's no what? You tell me. Without friction, there's no progress. OK. Now, friction is no progress, but friction that brings progress creates heat. Tires wear out. Rubber wears right off them if you don't rotate them in particular. Your car, when that little light comes on, is telling you the friction is getting the better of the lubricant. It's time to change the lubricant because these parts eventually are going to start knocking together. They're creating heat and eventually they're going to wear out or blow up. The reality of this, God designed us to enter into a relationship that has built into it friction in order for us to have progress towards oneness. But he never intended for it to happen without a lubricant, a lubricant is communication. Maybe you're thinking about getting marriage and you're contemplating the idea, I'm here to tell you up front, you are going to have friction. Don't be shocked by it. Don't be surprised by it. It's going to happen because you're in the process of two becoming one and the two have to change in order to occupy the same space. And that change is progress that is brought about through friction. But you have to have the oil of communication in order to keep it from blowing up. That's the reality of what God has called us to, folks. And so if we walk into that and we don't do what is necessary for us to have understanding in the process, we have entered into a relationship that by its very nature in and of itself is going to implode or explode. So it calls, it demands for us. To have understanding. Where do the divisions come from? Well, I won't spend a whole lot of time with them. But they come from a number of sources. They come from pride. Self-attitude. We are pre-programmed to enter into everything in life thinking about me. That's how we're pre-programmed. How's it going to benefit me? How do I fit in? How's it supposed to go? What is my piece in the puzzle? That's how we think, and that's not always bad. But you realize how quickly that turns to an evaluation of, am I getting what I planned on? Is my return of my investment a good one? The reality of it is, Proverbs 13, 10 says, only by pride cometh contention. This pride, this self attitude, leads us in a number of directions. It always sees self as being right, and when proven wrong, has an excuse. It always sees benefit of others in relation to benefit to myself or the detriment to myself. I do that for you. How's that going to impact me? I spend that much, what's the return on my investment? Always seeks the best possible result for self. And whenever I begin thinking that way, whenever those are the thought processes in my mind, mark it down. There is division. There's a gap. There's crack. Depending on what happens next will determine how broad or how wide that gap becomes. Pride. Discouragement. Proverbs 13, 12 says, hope deferred, make up a heart sick. You know, the main cause of discouragement is not failure and it's not correction, it's actually a lack of encouragement. Primary cause of discouragement. A lack of encouragement. We're living in a world that discourages us. It doesn't encourage us in anything that is right, doesn't encourage us to do right. The world should daily offer the believer less and less pleasure. Where should that encouragement be found? Home. And where in the home does God design for that engine to be? In your marriage, can you say tonight the primary source of encouragement in your life, in this world, is your spouse? If not, it's time to go back to the blueprint. Something's wrong in our understanding. Bitterness. Bitterness that comes from that prideful self being expressed and from that discouragement taking root. Proverbs 14, 10 tells us the heart knoweth its own bitterness. Colossians 3, 19 warns us this way. Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them. You know, most of what we pawn off as the silent treatment, well, we just don't talk because it's better that way. Reality is bitterness. Bitterness, I've got a problem I don't want to deal with. I'm just going to sit, soak and sour. But hear me through a root of bitterness, bringing up many shall be defiled, but understand that Proverbs 14, 10 says this heart knows its own bitterness. The reality of it is bitterness is a choice. Your own heart brings its own bitterness, your action or lack of action causes the bitterness. Bitterness is not the problem, it is the result of a problem. What ends up happening is division. Division. So what is this oneness? What is intimacy? Anyway, there's people that get uncomfortable. Man, I can't believe the pastor's up there in the pulpit and he's saying intimacy. Isn't that a private word? That's part of our problem. Part of our problem. Much of what we should be talking about, particularly in our marriages, we're not talking about. But our marriages are about the only place we're not talking about it. Let me, while I have your attention for a moment, keep your attention. How many of you have teenagers in here tonight? If your teenager is 15 and you haven't talked to them about sex, you're too late. Somebody beat you to the punch. You're too late. My wife is regularly doing pregnancy tests on 12 and 13 year olds, folks. Time to wake up. I'm not talking about out there, folks. This week, my wife will do a workshop at the Wiles for youth pastors wives. And the title of it is not in my youth group. The reality of it is. Our kids are sleeping around, folks. Now, Pastor, you can't be. Wake up. Wake up. You can't you can't. You're not going to stand here and tell me that there are men at Grace Baptist Church engaged in pornography. No, you're right. I'm not going to tell you that. I'm going to tell you there's men here enslaved to it. Enslaved to it. And wife, I'm here to tell you tonight that you may be the only one that doesn't know it. That's not what God intended. In fact, he intended it to be just the opposite. Where is the moral protection supposed to be? Where is the understanding supposed to be? Where is the conversation so that there is protection? Where is there an understanding of the vulnerability? I need you to know my weaknesses. I need you to help me protect myself. Where is that supposed to come from? It's not going to happen from ESPN. I'm here to tell you that it's not it's not going to happen. God intends for it to be in your marriage, in your marriage. I can never talk to my wife about that. If that's what goes across your mind, hear me, you'll never have the marriage God intends for you to have. Because you're denying the intimacy that God longs for you to have in marriage. That's where it's supposed to be. It's where it needs to be. As you see, this intimacy is characterized by love. It's characterized by every word for love. Isn't there bad love that there's that eros love that's such bad love? No. It's not. At times, it's used in that context for being selfish or taking or give me, but the reality of it is it is not it is a description of a love that that ought to be a part of every healthy, passionate marriage. As God intends for it to be. That intimacy ought to have more than that, it ought to be that phileo love, a brotherly love, a love of understanding and companionship that often gets lost in marriages. There ought to be a genuine friendship in your home, there ought to be no one you love to laugh with more than the one that God has called to be part of your very life. Not to be no one that understands more. Not to be that store gate love, which is family love that develops its love for a child from its mother. It's not based upon anything but a special bond within the home. It's something that we must grow in our marriages. It becomes natural between mother and child. It becomes natural between a father and a child. But it's not natural between a husband and a wife. That's why it has to be worked at. It has to be pursued, passionately sought after, because my heart needs to be brought there. Because we don't pursue it the way we ought to, that is why often the marriage becomes the third relationship in the home and the father to his children and the mother to her children. And then somewhere down the line, there's oh, yeah, there's my spouse. It's not what God intended. And then ultimately, it ought to be characterized by a love, it's a self-sacrificing love. One author, Walter Trubisch, said this marriage is not an achievement which is finished. It's a dynamic process between two people, a relation which is constantly being changed, which grows or dies. It won't stay stagnant. Which is your marriage doing? It's growing. Or is it dying? See, the reality of it is it takes constant attention. It takes real work. It takes genuine love in every form. But it also takes trust. Intimacy involves trust. Oh, I trust my spouse. Do you? Do you trust them enough to bear your soul to them? Oh, well. It's trust. Trust enough that there will be self-disclosure. I will reveal to you the real me. Say, oh, I don't know about that. Think about it for a minute. Will you ever genuinely have real intimacy if you've never really self-disclosure? I will allow my spouse to be intimate with the specter that I've created. But not me. Honesty. Oh, you know what? I just I think it's better that they don't know. Really? What is that saying? What does that say about what God is called to be your primary human relationship? If there's something about you that it's better, they don't know. Really? Acceptance. Not I'll accept you if. But I accept you no matter what. Acceptance is part of trust. Respect. Respect. Why is it that usually both participants in a marriage are respected more in other places than they are within their own relationship? Doesn't make any sense, does it? Fidelity. Loyalty to my spouse and our relationship above everything else. And that sounds easy because we tend to deal with it way up here. Oh, yes, it came right down to it. I'm going with my home. What about this week? What about the choices that you make? How easily it is to disappoint because there is something else that you're going to be more committed to than your home. You tell yourself it's just that one incident, but you do it every week, over and over and over again, every time the opportunity comes up. Have you ever tried saying, no, I can't stay tonight? I'm going home. No, I can't, I can't do that. Because God has given me a primary human relationship, as important as this is, that has to be more important. Fidelity. Appreciation. It's part of trust expressed and demonstrated, not just for the unusual acts, as much as for who you are. Appreciation. Trust involves identity. This is how I want to be known, first and foremost. There's risk involved in that. But I look at the risk and I say, you know what? Then if there's risk involved, it requires further investment of energy and time, effort. So I'm going to invest. That's intimacy, folks. So what does it look like? As I close, just some thoughts. God calls us to several kinds of intimacy. The first is we talked about our brains, what I want to call cognitive. It's mental intimacy. It's intimacy of knowing and understanding and willingness and ability to communicate so that I can be known. Saying all I need to and controlling what I don't. Communicating in such a way that I don't only get my idea across, but I communicate why I have the idea. It doesn't mean that each mate is going to see everything exactly alike all the time. That's not what it means. It doesn't mean that I necessarily agree with my mate all the time. But I know what they think, and I understand why. I know what they think, and I understand why. Why do you think that way? By the way, that's not a question that gets asked when hands go up like this as you're walking out the door. Why do you think that way? No, no, that's not what I'm talking about. I really, genuinely want to know. What are you thinking? And why do you think it? By the way, that level of discussion is not best had somewhere about quarter to 1 a.m. when the lights are out. That's probably not a great time to have that discussion. It's not going to go well. That's a discussion that takes you being at your best. Most prepared, your greatest effort and energy. More than anything else. It does mean that there will be a oneness of mind about major goals and plans to reach them. Cognitive intimacy, God wants us to have understanding of how we process mentally. Hey babe, what do you think about that? Really? Now, why do you think that? I never thought of that. And we are becoming one. I'm beginning to understand. It gives me information that now if I'm facing a situation that's going to impact me and thus impact my home, I now begin to have a comprehension if I can't ask of what would my spouse think about that? How would they process that? Cognitive intimacy, a connection in mind takes talking. But it's more than that, it's emotional intimacy, a closeness of feelings, a sense of closeness and emotional bonding and in-depth awareness and sharing of important values, feelings and attitudes about life. Do you have a comprehension of your spouse's values? That's intimacy. Not just what they value, but what are their moral values? Am I sensitive to them? Do you have any clue that when you're comfortable with what comes on the TV screen, whether or not your spouse is? Probably the most important thing you could do when something comes on and it causes your antenna to flicker is turn it off and say, hey, tell me. What do you think about that? Let's not watch the TV, let's talk about that. Begin to process our values. Begin to process the scale of priorities. What would my what would my wife's priorities be? What would she want to do first, next, third? What would my husband be thinking? As I look at our bank account and I've got decisions to make and I can't ask him, I wonder what his priorities would be. Do you have any clue? How do they feel about it, emotional intimacy, closeness and feeling and passion, empathy, seeing the other made and understanding where they are and putting myself in their place. How are you feeling today? How do you feel whenever I know something disappointing has happened in your life? How does my spouse feel after she has had to discipline the children? How is she feeling? Where does that leave her? How should I respond to that? Understanding. Emotional intimacy. Behavioral. intimacy. God wants us to be together in experience. And so part of that is social intimacy. Do you do anything together? Yeah, yeah, we do lots of things together. Are you aware of the fact that you actually do them together? Here's my better question to you. Do you on purpose choose to do things? Well, there's not a whole lot we like to do together. There ought to be a red strobe light going. You've identified an area where there's not the intimacy there ought to be. What can we do together so that we can be together? What can we do together that we can accomplish it? What can I do with you that I know is something you want to accomplish and you can accomplish it better because I do it with you? Social intimacy, how can I help you better fulfill your goals? Through me doing it with you. Identify some things that you like to do together. Think through the things you did together when you were dating. Yeah, but I didn't like any of those, I really just did it to capture her. That's not such a bad thing, you know, capture her again. You might actually find that the pursuit of your spouse and carrying out social activity together for the purpose of capturing your spouse again becomes your favorite thing to do. Social intimacy. So that you can understand each other. Why do you like to do that? I have got to hang around and watch and see because I just don't see it. But I want to know. Spiritual intimacy. You talk about where you're at spiritually. Do you as a spouse know where your help meat is spiritually? You know what they're facing? Spiritual casualties ought never to be a shock in the home. But they almost always are. Why? Because we don't know where our spouse is spiritually. We don't talk about it. Oh, we try to guess, we hope. But do we really know? And I can't, I can't, I can't tell. I'm a pastor. How am I supposed to tell her I'm struggling with something spiritually? That's the devil's lie. That's the place I'm supposed to go. Spiritual intimacy. And then lastly, sexual intimacy. I can't believe he just stood up there and said that. You better hang on, because Pastor Jay is going to say it a lot next week. We fought over it, I wanted to, and I deferred to him, I'm going to let him do it. But the reality of it is, folks, it is a dynamic that God has ordained in our home. Have you and your wife said, well, you know, I want to do that devotion thing together with her, but I don't want to make a fool of myself. Let me give you a great suggestion. The two of you start reading a little bit every night together. The Song of Solomon. Do you know what that book says, Pastor? Yes, and it's in the Bible. You know, it's in the Bible, it's not pornography. God intends it. Do you know what I'm finding? Most of the physical relationship within marriage is anything but intimacy. Because it's not an isolated thing all by itself. Is rejoicing fulfillment of all of this other kind of intimacy that finds a unique expression in the one flesh relationship. It is the result, the byproduct, the finish of. The other intimacy that God longs for us to have in understanding my spouse. So, I went longer than I was supposed to. And I stand here with the same feeling in my stomach that I had when I started. Did I really communicate what was on my heart? And I don't know if I did. But tonight I ask you this question. Is your marriage what God intends for it to be? I don't care if you've been married 60 years. You might be sitting here tonight and say, well, it's not, but we're finishing out now. Don't. Sit here tonight in that condition, say it is what it is, and that's the way it's going to be. And in one year from now, when your spouse is dead and gone, think, you know what? I missed it. I could have had that for a year. A week. Hey, we're newlyweds and I'll tell you what, everything's coming up roses. They're our thorn. And your marriage isn't going to survive just on raw emotion alone. Now's the time. I challenge you before the failures come, before the casualties develop, before you begin to have experiences where you think, well, man, I can't tell him that. I can't tell her that. Get open and honest now. The channels open whenever Satan begins to throw those darts. Say I've had a failure, I don't know, I don't know how she's going to respond. I've been such a hypocrite, I've covered it up and now if I get honest with this, you know, I don't know what it means. Here's my question to you. Has it gotten better? Is the problem you're facing, whatever it might be? Maybe in your home is that you have found a way to consistently steal from your family. There's a lot of spouses have gotten good at that, there's money that just never shows up and it's spent for me and my things and my stuff. Maybe it's in some way a moral failure. Can you be honest with it and look at where it's been, maybe over the period of months or maybe over the period of years, can you say in the way you've handled it up till now, it's gotten better? Or has there come more and more and more and more and more of your life that you have to keep hidden? That is the amount of your life where you will not have intimacy, as God intends for you to have. So when do you start? Where do you start? Are there divisions? Pride? Discouragement? Bitterness? Anger? hurt, unfulfilled expectations that have led to their being divisions. And every time something touches it, the wound is reopened. You've never said anything. Is that the marriage you want? That's not what God defined as marriage. He's called us. To be one flesh, to have intimacy that only comes through understanding. My question to you tonight is, are you willing to take the steps to have every little girl's dream, a marriage made in heaven? Because I believe it's possible if we'll do it God's way. But we must be passionate about understanding, communication, intimacy about everything else. Let's pray.