How many of you, as we've been working through the communication series, would say your ears or your senses about this area have been a little bit more awakened and you're observing more and thinking about it more even in your own life or as you observe others? And you would say, you know what, I want to share just a quick comment about what I've noticed in my own life or maybe around me. at work, some kind of situation of opportunity to speak life, or if you've seen words of death, that kind of thing? All right, great. Let's start here. I'm unsure about my husband's salvation, and he will not talk about it. So between the communication series in the evening and even the video this morning, I am so much more sensitive to my witness before Him, and I think God has helped me with that, and I see a difference. That's great. Thank you for sharing. We'll be praying for that. Who would be next? Maybe something in your own life or something you've observed around you and your circumstances. Anyone? I just wanted to say that We all have to probably work on this, and I can still grow a lot, but I do have more of a desire since these messages have started to want to be that way, to be Christ-like in all my speech. It's still working, but I'm encouraged that that desire is there. Great. Praise the Lord. Anyone else? All right, if you guys just wanna hang tight, we'll give another opportunity in just one moment, okay? We'll just, as far as review is concerned, God has a wonderful plan for our words that is far better than our own, and anything that we could come up with. Sin radically changed God's agenda for our words, resulting in much hurt, confusion, and chaos. In Christ, we find the grace that is provided all that we need to speak as God intended us to speak. And the Bible teaches us how we get from where we are to where he wants us to be. And so that's kind of the progression that we've been working towards. We talked a little bit last week about conflict and how people respond to conflict. And this is kind of the peacemakers chart as to the different perspectives. But just quickly as far as review goes, responses to conflict. First of all, there were those escape responses where people tend to maybe ignore it or try to run away from conflict. And then you have the ultimate example of that where you have just someone wanting to completely check out as far as suicide is concerned. And then you have the other side of the spectrum, which would be the attack responses, I'll go back here, where you have those that would try to assault or attack with their words, and then move to kind of litigation, kind of a more of a formal approach, and then ultimately murder. And last week when I was talking about it, and I don't know why, but I was thinking, man, those are just two really complete extremes and even the murder part. And then I think it was Tuesday, I don't know, Monday or Tuesday, I was at the gym and got on the machine and I looked up and there was a story just right here in Greenville of roommate, It was something about roommate killed because of a conflict or something like that. That was the headline. It was right after our conflict series where I was feeling bad, like, does it really end in murder? And yes, yes, it really does, many times, because people tend to respond to conflict in really aggressive ways. And then you have kind of the middle section, which would be the peacemaking responses, where you could have a variety of things. You choose to overlook or forgive an offense. Scripture says, Many times we should let love cover, and then we go to reconciliation, negotiation, mediation, arbitration, accountability. And so those are areas where we can really deal with conflict in an appropriate way. And so we have these responses that many of us And most people tend to fall into some category. Now let's do another question, see if we can get a little more conversation. How many of you noticed or can think of a situation with conflict and these were, you definitely saw a response on some sort of the spectrum and you identified it and would be willing to share it with the crowd tonight. Anyone be willing to do that? Hopefully it's not murder. Anyone? You're quite a bunch. Yes, Judy. Hang on, we'll get the mic to you. He has no idea what I'm saying. Conflict. You never know. I think just in general I've been convicted by this series only because I've shared this with the Ladies Bible Study. I just am so quick to just respond. when, you know, I feel frustrated about anything, especially, you know, married couples deal with this all the time. I know we all do, but when you talk about accountability, what really rings true in my heart now is that I'm ultimately, I am fully accountable for my response. It doesn't matter. what anyone has done or said to me or, you know, that upset me, I'm still accountable for that response. So the whole thing of, well, he did this or she did that, whatever it might be, God's really convicting me, huh? You know, that's not going to get you off the hook. You're accountable for how you respond. So thank you, I think. Praise the Lord. You thank Him. Someone else, you observe conflict and you particularly kind of zeroed in on how the response took place. So this happened just yesterday. My husband was outside playing with the boys and I was cooking dinner. And I opened the door to let them know it was time to come in. And he had been out there trimming this tree in our yard. And he knows I hate when he trims. I mean, he will trim this thing to like the stump. It looks terrible. I said last week it was a little things, right? It's a tree. Yeah. So I opened the door and I see this tree. And I was like, he's like, do you like it? And I was like, I couldn't even say anything. I totally did the escape response. I just walked back in. It's good to see you guys sitting by each other tonight. But in all honesty, you know, just seeing these different responses and hearing them have a name, you become much more aware when they actually happen in your life on a daily basis. That's good. That's good. Another. Conflict, yes. A friend of mine has a daughter who has engaged in a lesbian lifestyle. Married her wife a couple years ago. And it's been very difficult. She and her husband have navigated it with great compassion. but the daughter and wife are moving out of the country. And talking with my friend this week, she said, it's gonna be so good to just not have to face it, which is the escape. And I said, well, you know, you're not gonna see her often, but you can't just ignore it. You still have to be salt and light in whatever way you can be. So we're kind of accountability partners in that way, but sort of like, I get that you can take a deep breath, but you can't just live there. Yeah, that's good. Someone else? Anyone on this side see or observe conflict at all? Yes, Betsy, come on up. I don't know exactly how this is going to come out, This last week, Billy Graham passed away. This is bigger than we've been talking right now. And I think this fits under the peacemaking responses. I happen to hear, I'm going to a Bible study on 2 Corinthians in the car, and I happen to hear on the radio that he had passed away within the hour I'm hearing this. And the commentator, the guy on the radio said, believe it or not, he said, this man was so humble that he actually said he felt like his ministry was a failure. And of course they were saying, how could he even think that? And immediately what the thought that came into my head, having been a Billy Graham counselor in Florida when he had a convent thing in Orlando. He always sent the people that came forward to their local churches. And I'm thinking Billy Graham, and he said he thought after his ministry with as many people as he brought to the Lord, that this world would be a little better place. And he was so discouraged about it getting worse and worse. And I know you all may have some other thoughts, but anyway, my thought was, all these people he had sent into the churches as Christians, we should shine our light brighter. And let our, you know, be, we should be evangelizing the world for the harvest. And is that coming or not? But then at his funeral, I heard one of his daughters say, that the mantle was not going to fall on any one person. She expected it to fall. on many men, pastors, in the churches. So that, to me, is peacemaking response. Yeah, and a speaking life. He spent his life speaking life. That's great. Thank you. Anyone else? I don't want to cut anyone off, but I do want to keep moving here. All right. Thanks, guys. We can hang on. There may be some time at the end. Maybe not. But sit with your wife. It's okay. That's a good thing. You're not communicating right now? All right. Well, at least you're not in trouble that way. Okay, as far as conflict is concerned, just simple definition, conflict is a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone's goals or desires. Now, there could be a number of definitions that you could use along those lines, but this is just a simple one that it can be the simplest things. We talk about the small things that many times produce a lot of conflict in our lives. A few folks have shared with me about this series throughout the week, and one particular person was just identifying the fact that it's the small things that just really can frustrate, and yet we lose perspective a lot of times in the day in, day out, and yet when our goals or desires are frustrated, then the conflict many times comes. For primary causes of conflict, and we ended with these last week, misunderstandings resulting from poor communication. So it can be just a misunderstanding, but many times it goes to the next part where it's differences in values, goals, giftedness, calling priorities, expectations, interests, or opinions. When that difference comes to the surface, that's when you potentially have conflict. Competition over limited resources, such as time or money, and I'm sure some of you can attest to the fact in a business situation where there's competition in regards to the end prize, which is the money. Many times conflict comes up because of things like that, sinful attitudes and habits that lead to sinful words and actions. So many things can cause it. Now I want to just talk about communication for a minute. and just really want you to ask some personal questions to yourself. And it talks about the accountability, really. Do you blame your bad communication on things as far as situations are concerned? And that's many times what we can justify, our really bad communications, because things that are external to us. And so, I know traffic many times can bring out the best in us. How many of you would say, you know, I don't shine the brightest when I'm in traffic? How many of you would say that? My hand, okay. All right. And sometimes, you know, really bad communication can come out, whether it's through our words or just, you know, our spirit and our attitude, maybe, you know, the whole horn thing, and this could probably go more intense from there. But bad communication, and we'll tend to blame the person who cut us off or whatever it is, someone who is not paying attention, maybe they're on their phone. I'm not even gonna go, I was gonna use an example of younger folks and older folks, but Caleb already went there tonight, and that was not a good thing, so we're not gonna do any more damage with age tonight. All right, so traffic can be something. Schedule, if something comes up, And we have a change in schedule, and it really can frustrate our day, or something comes up that would really be something that would hinder what we're trying to get accomplished. You have goals for your day during the work day, and you're trying to get those things done, and then something comes into it that really frustrates. your particular goals and desires, and then you can respond, whether it be to a boss, or a coworker, or to a spouse. So maybe something happens at work, and then you automatically get on the phone, and then what comes out? Sometimes bad communication, right? And we can justify in our mind, oh, well, it's this scheduling thing. It's outside of me, and that's why I'm acting and talking the way that I do. Sometimes it's our finances, and the pressure that comes along those kinds of lines. Sometimes it's the weather. that we can gripe and complain and use really communication that doesn't glorify God. Sometimes it's our job, and then sometimes it's the family. So in these kinds of ways, we blame our circumstances or situations, right? Sometimes we blame our bad communication on other people. So maybe it's not the communication or the external circumstances like the situations, but we justify our sin because of people in our lives. And we kind of think, well, because they do what they do, then I do what I do, and so I have a little bit of right to talk this way. And so sometimes it's our spouse where we can really use bad communication and think that we're okay because of what they're doing in our lives. And I don't know about you, but because of the real focus on communication, especially for me, because I'm up here proclaiming it, For us, like I could feel in the last week that the evil one wants to really, in our home, he wants to really cause us to have bad communication. It was a rough week, I'm just telling you. And it's difficult and hard, but sometimes we blame other people for really what's in our heart, and we'll look at the scripture in just a minute. Sometimes it's our children. And we say things like, well, if they wouldn't disrespect me, or if they would stop doing what I've told them how many times, we can go on and on and blame our bad communication on other people, and we really don't even know that we're in the habit. Sometimes it's our parents. and how they communicated with us, and so therefore, we can justify how we communicate with other people. Sometimes it's those who are in authority around us, or those who are coworkers, kind of we interact with on a regular basis. So the question is, who do you blame for your bad communication, or what do you blame? Do you blame circumstances or people? Because we should immediately respond with really looking at our own hearts. Because that's particularly the problem. Would you turn to Luke chapter 6? Luke chapter 6. Oh, and then one more up here, neighbors, okay? Someone shared with me this week about a neighbor situation. It's interesting. I love hearing the examples, but there was someone sitting in the audience last week, and they have a specific conflict with their neighbor right now, and it's something that's real and happening, and it's the reality of life. That's how things go. But we can't blame others for really what is going on in our hearts. So, examining conflict. Conflict starts in the heart. Luke chapter 6 and verses 43. And following, for there is no good tree which produces bad fruit, nor on the other hand a bad tree which produces good fruit. For each tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they pick grapes from a briar bush. The good man out of the treasure of his heart brings forth what is good, and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil. From his mouth speaks that which fills his heart." Now, I know it's easy to blame circumstances and situations that are outside of us, and I know it's easy to blame other people. But the scripture tells us that what's happening, as far as our mouth is concerned, what's coming out, that is because of what is filling our heart. And that's where we have to constantly wrestle and come back to truth and really let the truth confront us. Let it be a mirror to us. You know what? This is my problem. I am not glorifying God through my communication. This conflict, it's really because of me. Conflict involves both action and reaction. If we initiate conflict by our words or actions, then we know we're at fault, whether we are willing to admit it or not. But it gets more difficult when someone else initiates and we simply respond. There's a little booklet called, years ago I read in college, Your Reactions Are Showing. And it's just a simple book that deals with this topic that we cannot blame other people or outside situations for the problem that is in our own heart. We tend to point at others, to the other party, or perhaps the circumstances, You know, we say things like, well, they just know how to push my buttons. How many of you hear that, or have heard that, right? They just know how to push my buttons. What does that mean? Really, it's the other person's fault, and I understand, we can provoke people, but our reactions, really, they're our responsibility, and we cannot blame other people. Sometimes we say, you know, all I wanted was some peace and quiet, and I come home to, You notice the words in there? All I want. My desires. My goals. When they're frustrated, then what happens? Many times we respond, and we don't respond appropriately. Our tendency is to point outward, and I think the scripture wants us to understand it is an inside job, and it's something that we are responsible for. Now, I wanna continue on and turn to James chapter four, and really kind of look at this idea of idolatry, the root of conflict many times is idolatry. In verse one it says, what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? What is the source? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and you don't have, so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. Now, that doesn't sound like external circumstances or people that frustrate us. It says, what is the source of quarrels? Is not the source your pleasure or your desires that wage war in your members. You lust and you don't have, and that lust is just a simple word for desire, and it can be a desire of all kinds. You want and you don't have, so you commit murder, which is the extent of what we talked about in the attack responses, that that is many times the end goal, or the end result because of conflict. You are envious and you cannot obtain, and so you fight and you quarrel. The root of conflict, many times, there are idols in our hearts where we want something so bad that we're gonna do what it takes to get it. And many times that starts with our words and really trying to you know, cut people down or really just start fighting and attacking so that we can fulfill our desires. An idol is anything apart from God that controls us. that we depend on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. And again, there could be multiple definitions for this, and this is just one simple one. But anything that controls us that we depend on to really find in something else what we should be looking for in our God, because He ultimately is the one where we should find our security. and our happiness, and all of our fulfillment. And so when we don't get those things, many times we fight and we quarrel. Now, the progression of an idol, I wanna start just by working through this, and this may be something you can identify with, and I'm not saying it is every single time, but many times this is how it happens. The progression of the idol is, first of all, the desire. I desire something. And conflict always begins with some kind of desire. And some desires are not inherently wrong in and of themselves. Some are, and we would identify that. Scripture tells us that things like lust and vengeance and greed, those things are clearly wrong. But there are desires, for example, there's nothing in and of itself wrong as far as desiring peace and quiet in your home. That's not a bad desire. or having a new car, or a new computer, or professional success, or let's go more on the relational side, a more intimate relationship with your spouse, or respectful children. Those things are all good desires. And so we can't just look and say, you know what, every desire I have, it's wrong, and I need to change my desires. Some desires we have, they're wrong, and we need to change them. But it's after we go through the process, and many times we don't, we have these expectations, and when our desires or what we expect are not fulfilled, then it becomes a problem. Most conflicts, they take some form of unfulfilled expectation. And again, we need to come back to our hearts and identify, is this an idol in my heart? Am I wanting something in my spouse that I should be looking to my God for? And again, it's not a bad desire, but when we say, it's my desire, and then we don't give it to the Lord when it doesn't come about, but then we let it progress to other stages, then it becomes a problem. And so, understanding there are these desires, and sometimes our desires are fulfilled, and unfortunately, when we get what we want, many times our countenance, we're happy, and good things come out of our mouth. But then when we don't get what we want, the opposite happens. Our countenance falls and we get upset and start communicating in a bad way. And the Lord wants us to really ask Him to help in times like this where if your desire is not being met, you go to the Lord with it. And sometimes it's appropriate to talk with the person who, whether it be a spouse or a child or a coworker or a boss, whatever it is, it's okay to communicate. And I think there's a process laid out in scripture how we can do that. But if we don't get what we want and we dwell on it and it becomes disappointment and we allow it to then cause us to go other directions, because many times it goes towards this, where we start demanding. Unmet desires have the potential of working themselves deeper and deeper into our hearts. And this is especially true when we come to see a desire or something we need, or in our minds we deserve, and we're really not gonna be happy or fulfilled until we get it. And there are many ways that we justify. So we say things like, you know, I work hard all week long. Don't I deserve? and then fill in the blank. And that may not always come out of our mouths, but that doesn't mean it's in our heart. But a lot of times, unfortunately, those are the things that come out of our mouth. And where's that rooted in? It's rooted in the fact that I have a desire, I don't want to be bothered right now. I feel like I have put in my time, And therefore, I should be left alone in this moment. Or, I should be able to go out and do what I want to do. So you have couples who fight because, you know, the wife has one perspective of what the evening should look like, and the husband has another, and you have husbands many times who come to these conclusions, or wives, and then they have expectations on what the evening should look like, and again, it's the little things. and you end up having conflict in an evening because of just simple demands like, I want, and I'm gonna get it. and then the problems start to develop and get greater and greater and greater. You know, sometimes we say things to our children that in hindsight, you know, we really, you know, shouldn't. It's not good communication, it doesn't glorify God, but it really kind of hinders them, and we want them to feel guilty, so we guilt them into doing what we want them to do. So we want them to feel bad because we feel so good about ourselves. And it can be all kinds of things that we say to them. You know, I work two jobs to put you through school. Well, what is that? Well, that's you thinking more highly of yourself than you ought, because if you've chosen to do that, it should be motivated out of heart of love. But in that moment, it's probably not love that you're trying to communicate, It's probably, you know what, they're not doing what I want them to do, and so I'm gonna guilt them until they do it. And I'm gonna manipulate with my words to make them feel bad because I want compliance. And that's, really, that's what we want for our children. Compliance out of guilt. I don't think any of us would say that. But so many times with our communication, which really just flows out of our heart, We use things like that to get them to conform and it's a total manipulation. It's not addressing their heart and shepherding in the way that they should be shepherded. It's really we're just bigger and stronger and so with our words we're going to do whatever it takes. And so there's this many times, it's a demand, and it doesn't come out in like, you know, this raging thing, but our words, you know, can be kind of a passive-aggressive approach where we say things in comments, and it really, it doesn't glorify God at all. And so, these attitudes can be really a vicious cycle, and they can repeat themselves over and over, I desire, and I demand. And when those things don't happen, then we start to go downhill, and we say things like, in our own heart, you know, I must have this. And then people start to, when they don't get what they want, but they feel like they must have it, then many times they start going to look for things outside of the relationships that God has given them. And so, that can take all different kinds of forms. Well, I'm going to find someone who meets my own needs. My husband's not doing it, and so I'm going to find it in someone else. Because I want it. And I must have it. Well, actually, if you're looking to God to fulfill everything, and all the satisfaction is truly in Him, then actually you're wrong. You may desire it, it may be a good desire, but it doesn't mean that you deserve it. And you certainly can't demand it. And so, we have to be very, very careful because then it can move towards this situation where we're starting to look at other people and we start to judge. We judge others, we criticize, we nitpick, we nag, we attack, we condemn. We literally kind of play God in a sense. There's one lawgiver, there's one judge, there is one who is able to save and destroy, and we are not it. But so many times, we kind of take this role and really our hearts are the problem, and we start to criticize. We cross the line. We begin to sinfully judge others. which is characterized by feeling of superiority, indignation, condemnation, bitterness, and resentment. So, again, it can be in any kind of relationship. And we can justify our sin because of the pride of our own heart and that idolatrous heart and we look at others and we feel much better about ourselves. So you can have constant conflict and really never deal with it correctly and feel just fine because it's everybody else's problem. It's outside of me. And that could not be farther from the truth if we're gonna look at it from a very biblical perspective. And then the last one I would say as we progress down this line of conflict is I punish. Where you've had a desire, and then it's moved towards, you know what, I must have this. And I will get what I want. And I'll manipulate however I need to. And then if that doesn't work, then you judge and you start to feel superior and more spiritual. And then many times, okay, well, I'm gonna make them pay. And the conflict progression, it goes to then we, many times people blow up or they clam up or they withhold. Punishment can take many forms. Sometimes it's the anger, the lashing out with hurtful words to inflict pain on those that don't meet our expectations. You know, when we do so, we're essentially placing others on the altar of our heart and sacrificing them. And not with some sort of sharp object, but, you know, the sharp edge of our tongue. Where, you know what? I am tired of it. and you're going to pay. Sometimes it can go, you know, with the guilt way where we impose guilt and shame on others. crushed looks, or just real intense communication that may not even be verbal. Some people resort, and it happens all the time, to physical violence. Ask any of the police officers in our congregation. They see it every day. Where people desired something, they were gonna get it, And the judging, well, I don't know, depends. But definitely the punishment. And some of you here, even tonight, probably have been in abusive situations or relationships where it's then gone to the physical side of things. It's not only the verbal attacks that is difficult and abusive ways that those can happen, but then it moves towards more physical. And if you've been through that kind of a story, if that's your story, if you've been through that kind of a situation, I'm very sorry. And I know, not from experience, but I know how hard that can be. And you have perhaps felt this punishment on some form or another. And you're not responsible for their actions, but you are responsible for your reactions. and you can either diffuse the conflict so much as it depends on you, that you can strive to live at peace, or you can intensify the conflict by engaging in it yourself, and then trying to retaliate and bring about hurt to someone else. And so, again, this progression is one that, it may not happen every single time, But the potential is, with all the conflicts, that this is where it goes. And it, you know, doesn't have to be, and I'm not picking on you guys at all, but, you know, take the tree, right? I mean, something small like that can turn into a huge, dividing thing. And it's not really about the tree. It's about the desires behind it. And that happens in all kinds of relationships that we experience on a daily basis. And so, do you have an idolatrous heart? And I would say we all do on some level. Because we all have these desires, and when they're not met, there's no one who's perfect. And we tend to really hold on to, and sometimes Christians buy into this idea that we have rights. You know, if you believe in total depravity, you cannot say you have rights. And even with, I hate to go to politics again, or even in that realm, but you know, I hear people talk about our country, and they say, well, we have rights. And I know what they mean, and I know that we have laws that were established, but we've lived in a lot of, with a couple hundred years now, with blessing that is really unusual for civilizations, especially if we understand the text of the morning, that wicked men rule. And so when people say, well, I have rights, as a believer, do we really? Like, we ultimately deserve judgment at every point. And it's only the grace of God that has invaded our hearts, that we have life anyway, and so to expect anything else but that is really, I don't know if we should. And in relationships, when you get the mentality, well, I have rights, whether it's with your spouse, I'd be careful. Now there's biblical things that we should aspire to and desire, and I understand that, but it's when you don't get those things that reveal, and how you respond that reveal really, whether they're just a good desire of your heart, or they're actually a demand that you will get it. And until you do, you're gonna punish, and you're gonna judge. And I would suggest that will always lead to conflict, and it is not the path of communicating to the glory of God. It's just not. And so we have to identify in our hearts on a regular basis what is driving us and really take ownership for it. God wants us to be living to the glory of God in our communication, in our words. He wants us to be changing to be like Him in our communication and hopefully that's happening Jesus is the Word, and He is our only hope for our words, and so the Gospel really frees us to communicate to the glory of God, and the Gospel brings hope for change in a way that we understand and solve our communication problems. And so, if you constantly go back to the Gospel, and you're reminded, you know what? I deserve judgment. I deserve punishment. Anything else that I get, it's just, it's a pure gift from God. And so whatever form that takes, we should just be thankful. So many times it's a thankful heart that should be coming out instead of an idolatrous heart that will do whatever it takes to get what we want. And so we have to be very, very careful in our conflict that is all around us on a regular basis that we are striving to glorify God so much as it depends on us. Don't let the idolatry of our hearts rule and reign. So let's be careful this week. Let's identify areas in our hearts where we are clinging to things that we think we deserve and really strive to find our fulfillment, our hope, and our happiness in God, and be thankful for everything else that comes our way. Let's pray. Father, Please help us to continue to grow in our communication. Lord, so many times what comes out of our mouth, really we tend to justify because of bad situations around us or other relationships in our lives, but your word clearly articulates that it's our hearts that are the problem, and evil things fill our hearts, so many times evil things come out of our mouths. And the conflicts and the quarrels that we have, many times it's because we desire things that we don't get. And when our needs aren't met, we like to make other people pay and we hurt people, and therefore we don't glorify God and respond in a way that really pleases you. And so, as we go from this place and have many opportunities, even in our homes tonight, I pray that we would strive to really live with unity for your glory and do all that we can as so much as it depends on us to live at peace with other people. In your holy and precious name I pray. Amen.