Welcome to the Warriors of Grace podcast hosted by Dave Jenkins. Warriors of Grace is about helping men from generation to generation become gospelmen in private, in the home, in the church, and in public through the Word of God. Now for today's episode, let's join our host, Dave Jenkins. Well, welcome back to the Warriors of Grace podcast. My name is Dave and I'm the host for this show. And on today's episode, we're gonna have a special guest. It's my friend and brother in Christ, Dave VanBeber. Dave is a regular contributor to Servants of Grace. He contributes also to our magazine, Theology for Life. But even more important than those things, Dave is married to his wonderful wife, and he is a father to his children, and he is a pastor of a local church as well as a professor at Spurgeon College. He's a good friend of mine. You're gonna be blessed by what he has to say today on this episode, and he's going to be joining us as well quarterly now on the show. So, Dave, go ahead and take it away with your fantastic episode. Welcome to the Warriors of Grace podcast. My name is David Van Bever and I'll be hosting today's episode. In this episode, we'll be dealing with some issues regarding masculinity and the current loneliness epidemic in the Western countries, specifically the United States. We'll begin by examining some of the current statistics regarding men and the loneliness epidemic. Next, we'll explore scripture and how it provides an understanding of why men struggle with loneliness. Finally, after looking at the information and providing a biblical understanding, go to scripture and see it as a means to guide Christians as they navigate this situation in their own lives. I'll point out things that God has called husbands, fathers, pastors, churchmen, and even wives to do in working to resolve this issue of loneliness. Now, before we get into the topic today, I do want to introduce myself to you as this is the first time that I have hosted an episode of the Warriors of Grace podcast. As I noted at the outset, my name is David Van Becker and I'm pastor of Lynn Valley Community Church in Lynn Valley, Kansas. I'm also a professor of communication at Spurgeon College in Kansas City, Missouri. I've been blessed with the opportunity to author numerous articles for the Servants of Grace for the last few years. I'm married to Valerie and we have four children. Likewise, I'm a veteran of the United States Army and I have served in pastoral ministry for 23 years. Well, now that I've introduced myself, let's kind of jump into the content for today's program. Genesis chapter two, verse 18 states this. Then the Lord God said, it is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him. I'm starting with this verse today as we get into the topic, because if you followed many media outlets over the last few years, they've reported that we're currently residing in what has been labeled a male loneliness epidemic. In fact, in 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, released an 82-page report titled, Our Loneliness, Epidemic, and Isolation. Now in the report, Vivek details not only male loneliness, but he also presents numerous severe issues of isolation that people across the United States are dealing with and seem to be suffering from as a current cultural trend. Now, in order to situate what male loneliness epidemic means, I do believe that there are some critical definitions that we probably want to jump into before we look at the topic more specifically. First, one must understand what an epidemic is. Second, an individual, in order to navigate this statement, male loneliness epidemic, has to have an understanding of what it means to be male. And finally, it's vital to understanding what an epidemic is in order to identify the truthfulness of this claim that we are in a male loneliness epidemic. Well, the first term that I think is very easy for us to deal with is the term of epidemic. A simple Google search for the definition would come up would be one found on Merriam Webster, which defines epidemic in three ways. And I believe all three of these ways are actually applicable to the concept of a male loneliness epidemic. The first definition is this affecting or trending to affect a disproportionately large number of individuals within a population, community or region at the same time. The second definition is excessively prevalent, that is contagious. And the third definition is characterized by very widespread growth or extent. Now, I personally believe that epidemic is a term that many of us are familiar with, but in essence, I think the term epidemic causes me at least to recall a vast sweeping spread of illness or some type of even social contagion. Oftentimes, I know as we think of the word epidemic, we do think of epidemiology, but we've seen that social contagion is rightly labeled many times having epidemic proportions. We've seen this applied previously to numerous social contagion issues. So I believe that this is a fairly normative term and a rational application of the term. So in our discussion of the male loneliness epidemic, though, we also need to understand that we're dealing with a large number of individuals who've been impacted by an excessively prevalent or widespread situation, illness, or issue. Now returning to that, primary term of male loneliness epidemic and defining those terms a critical thinking Christian would actually note that we do have a problem at the outset. I say this because some of the same media outlets that have raged against traditional gender binaries ever since the Obergefell decision in 2015 which legalized same-sex marriage in the United States, these same media outlets are now telling us that we have a male loneliness epidemic. Consider this, For the last 10 years, major media outlets are now reporting that a male loneliness epidemic is existing, but they've also at the same time waged a tremendous assault on the concept of gender being defined as a binary, male and female. While at the same time, they have been waging war against what has been defined as toxic masculinity. Now, while from the Christian worldview, we reject the notion that the word male is an arbitrary term, It is clear that toxic masculinity and a male loneliness epidemic are dependent upon some type of objective understanding of what it means to be male. Further, I would contend that toxic masculinity is a very arbitrary concept, meaning different things to different people. Yet it is telling that numerous headlines reporting male loneliness epidemic, and at least from the 15 articles that I investigated, assume that the audience has some type of conceptual understanding of what it means to be male and that others should be concerned about whatever this maleness is that is likewise so toxic. In other words, culturally and as presented by the major news media outlets, they cannot consistently pretend that this designation of male is an arbitrary term while at the same time labeling something as toxic masculinity and call something a male loneliness epidemic. Now this is an illogical idea and it is illogical without a standard for what it means to be male to be using this type of language. It's at the very least a very interesting development. Now stated more directly, before we can actually deal with the reality that a vast amount of media outlets are attempting to convince individuals and the public at large that there is some type of problem in our current social order, one must be able to definitively comprehend ontologically what being male is to begin with. Now from the Christian worldview, defining both male and female has never been a problem. It is intuitive in the natural order. Christians understand that God created male and female, Genesis 1-27. He is assigned specific roles in culture and in the home to either gender. And he is uniquely gifted both men and women with complementary roles in the home and society. But further, all we have to do is look at science. Science has likewise had no problem in defining what it means to be male and female, noting that males have XY sex chromosomes and females have XX sex chromosomes. And so this, of course, comes from the National Human Genome Institute, and they certainly have the credibility to make objective scientific claims. So given what we've observed and qualified this for, one should conclude that there is a vast number of individuals, as reported by the media, with XY sex chromosomes who are suffering from something in an extensive manner. Now, as you can see, I am making this statement of the male loneliness epidemic exceptionally clear at the outlet. My goal is that you would understand what it means when this claim is being made rather than assume some definitions because assuming definitions and meaning can get us into trouble. So I hope I've provided some necessary clarity here. Yet there is a somewhat vague definition from the three-word concept of male loneliness epidemic. That word is loneliness. So rather than clarifying the term loneliness directly, I want to get into the first main point here and allow the term loneliness to be contextualized by the very sources that are reporting there is a male loneliness epidemic. So let's begin by looking at the landscape that current media and research share with us regarding the state of men and loneliness and some of the factors that the modern media and research suggest contribute to this epidemic. Now, as we investigate some of the literature reporting on the male loneliness epidemic, let's begin with just a few questions. To those of you who are listening or watching, I would like to ask how many of you men would say that you have at least five good friends? how many of you can name your best male friend. Finally, when was the last time you spent an hour or two with your male friend in a group of male friends? Well, a simple Google search for what has been labeled the male loneliness epidemic will share story after story of men who have a feeling of isolation and being even unable to connect with their male counterparts. On average, And according to a plethora of sources, men are spending less time with other men recreationally. Men are spending less time with their families and less time in social activities. Further, we see from numerous media outlets that there are many men getting married later in life. They're highly addicted to pornography and spending vast amounts of time on social media and in the digital realm. So let me give you an overview of some very interesting statistics that appear in numerous articles on this given topic. Research conducted by Gallup and the American Perspective Survey compared men and women over the last 20 years. The initial study took place in 1990, and it asked men and women how many close friends they had. In 1990, 40% of men reported to having six to nine close friends. with only 3% of those in 1990 who were surveyed reported having no close friends. Now, when you compare that to the 2021 study, it noted that 15% of men reported having no close friends and 15% of men reported having only six to nine close friends. There is a 12% increase in having no friends and a 25% drop in the number of close friends that the average man has. And this is over the course of 30 years. Now, that increase in having no friends and the drop in having close friends are certainly significant numbers. And there's certainly grounds for noting at least some type of a major shift. But what is more striking here is when you compare men to women over this 30-year period. In that same 1990 study, 28% of women reported having six to nine close friends and in 2021 women reported to only having 11% of the excuse me 11% of women reported only having six to nine close friends. That number two is of course down by 17% in women but the drastic drop off in men in the study is incredibly striking. Now the numbers I've just reported to you come from the American Perspective Survey and they are touted in numerous articles on this topic of the male loneliness epidemic. Now I note that because numerous outlets are at least dwelling on these numbers and when one observes that these numbers are consistently appearing in numerous articles, it is at least notable that the drop-off in these numbers weighs heavily in the minds of various media gatekeepers. Now I state that further because a conscious consumer should be reminded that agenda-setting theory asserts that while the media gatekeepers cannot tell us what to think, they can at least persuade us what to think about. But let me chase down another reoccurring statistic that is noted in many of the same 15 articles that I researched in looking at the concept of the male loneliness epidemic. In one article that is frequently stated by The Independent, author Sarah Young noted a survey that was conducted by the Joe Cox Commission on Loneliness. In that survey, 1,200 men were surveyed. And of those 1,200 men, 11% of them noted that they are lonely on a daily basis. Now at this point, I want to make it clear, I've only provided you with three compelling statistics, but these studies are frequently alluded to in many of the same articles on the topic. Two other statistics appear numerous times in various news articles and reports on the topic of male loneliness epidemic. One of them is a study that occurred in the Survey Center on American Life. This survey was conducted in 2021, May of 21 to be exact. And in that survey, only 48% of men reported that they were feeling satisfied in their friendships. Further, the study reported that only one in five men noted that they had received emotional support from a friend in the past week. Now, in review of the statistics that I've given you, and to make them a little bit more concise, let me review them. According to numerous reports that appear frequently in various news articles on the topic of male loneliness epidemic, one notable statistic is that in 1990, 40% of men reported having six to nine close friends, with only 3% of those surveyed in 1990 reporting to have no close friends. That same survey compared a 2021 study where 15% of men reported having no close friends, up 12% from 1990. And 15% of men in 2021 reported having six to nine close friends, which was a 25% downward trend over 30 years. Next, one study that appears frequently reports that 11% of men say that they are lonely on a daily basis. 48% of men report feeling satisfied with friendships. Finally, one notable statistic that appears frequently is that only one in five men report having received emotional support from a male friend in the last week. It sounds as if, at least from the data that we have been presented with by various media gatekeepers, that there is some validity to men least feeling a lack of connection with other men from self-report. Now I don't believe it's a stretch to understand at least from them from the information that is presented to us that there is a true problem. Now the same data also helps us to understand what the media means by loneliness too. From these studies one could surmise that they're basically stating that men feel like they don't have meaningful relationships with with other men and in general. Men lack meaningful connection and they feel the need for close relationships seriously lacking. This does, however, bring us to what I believe is a very interesting question as we transition into the next aspect of this program. And that is this, does scripture provide an understanding for why men seem to struggle with loneliness? In other words, does scripture help us understand possibly the cause of male loneliness and possibly provide some rationalization as to why men in our current social climate might feel this way? So let me begin this portion of the program by going directly to scripture. Genesis chapter two, verses 18 to 25. It says this, then the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him. Now out of the ground, the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock, to birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam, there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man. And while he slept, took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. The rib that the Lord God had taken from the man, he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife. and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." Let me focus on three points here regarding scripture's take on men and loneliness. First, one will notice that it says, God said that man, excuse me, that it is not good that man should be alone. Now this is pretty much in contrast to what God has already said in Genesis chapter one, verse 31, where it says that, and God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good." Now, the reason that I'm pointing out this contrast is that it would also help us to recognize that sin has not entered into the world at this time in Genesis 1 or Genesis 2. So innately, what Scripture is sharing with us is that God has designed man not to be by himself. The fact that man is by himself is not good, but this is not the same as being sinful. So in other words, I want to note that it is not sinful to be lonely. Loneliness points back to a lack of the necessary function that one has been given by God by design. Recognizing that the triune God of Scripture was perfectly satisfied in himself before the creation of the world would cause one to conclude that God has designed man likewise for this type of companionship. God designed man, in other words, to be relational not just with God but with others who were bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. This is the created and natural order of things in God's very good creation. The desire then to be with others is ultimately a God-given desire. It is not sinful for you to desire to be around other people and have relationship with others. But there is something else that I believe is of note here. The second part that I believe is of note is found in verse 24, where it says this, therefore man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh. Now two components of the second concept. First, God created men to be caretakers and to take on personal responsibility. This is evident, not just in verse 24, but previously assumed in Genesis 2, verse 15, where man is charged to take care of the garden. So simply stated, man is designed by God to take responsibility for things outside of himself. Men are likewise to leave their home and their parents and take personal responsibility. for others. The second aspect that I believe is important in verse 22 is that God created men to have an intimate partnership, to be one flesh with their wife. I believe this points to the reality that marriage is a place where men are designed to find fulfillment for their ultimate desire for companionship. So the first relationship that man should have his ultimate loneliness satisfied in is in his marriage. Now as a brief aside, I understand that God has designed some individuals for celibacy, but this is not a common thing, and I would argue that the covenant of marriage is the great means through which God has called man to go about fulfilling the dominion covenant. So let me summarize here. God created man with a desire for relationship. God created man as a caretaker. God created man to take dominion over creation. and this is an aspect of the covenant of marriage. As an application, God designed man to have a partner in life through which the marital union is satisfied and through which offspring are a byproduct in the conquest of the dominion covenant. Now I've just made an ultimate faux pas in the eyes of our current cultural and societal trends. I've used terms and concepts that many would have been censored for culturally, because I've just been so masculinity toxic. I'll move on though to explore the final aspect of our discussion of this male loneliness epidemic. We should ask ourselves, finally, if scripture can guide us in correcting this male loneliness epidemic. Are there things, in other words, that God has called husbands, fathers, pastors, churches, and even wives to do in resolving the issue of loneliness. Let me look, before answering that, at some more current trends in men. Again, research shows that US men are marrying later in life. The United States Census Bureau in 2022 reported that the median age for marriage was approximately 30.5 years of age for men in the United States in 2022. Then they compared that in the study that was done in 1920 when men married on average at age 24.6. U.S. men are marrying later, but that's not it. Numerous reports note that U.S. men are addicted to pornography. According to a 2016 article in the Journal of Sex Research, 70% of U.S. men report using pornography in the last year. In 2019, an article from the Journal of Behavioral Addictions likewise noted that 46% of men report intentionally using pornography within the last week. U.S. men are addicted to pornography. U.S. men are marrying later in life. But next, U.S. men appear to be shirking the responsibility of refusing to grow up. In a 2023 report by Statistica of US men, it found that 19% of men ages 25 to 34 reported to be living with their parents. According to an article in the Carolina Journal from February 12th of 2024, over a third older Gen Z men, those are ages 20 to 25, have student debt and a significant number are still accumulating more as they progress through their secondary education, post-secondary education. The average outstanding balance, according to the same article, for Gen Z consumers with student loans is already nearly $25,000. That's up more than 10% over their older millennial counterparts at this point in life. And finally, the same Carolina Journal article notes that 70% of Gen Z men have already delayed crucial financial decisions due to educational debt. Men are marrying later, they're addicted to pornography, they're skirting responsibility, but how are they doing as fathers? Well, according to a Pew Research study published in 2023, on Father's Day, while 61% of dads rate being a father as one of the most important factors about who they are, on average, dads spend less than an hour a day with their kids. Only two thirds of dads say, according to the same study, that it is important for their kids to grow up to be honest, ethical, and hardworking adults. Again, according to Pew, only 35% of fathers say that there are absolute moral standards. So as we can see, fathers are not involved with their kids, nor are they training them up in the way that they should go. Finally, we might ask, how are they doing as spiritual caretakers? Well, Lifeway Research reports that there is a 93% probability that if a father accepts Christ, that everyone in the household will follow. According to a Barna study from 2011, only 36% of men report to attend weekly church services and only 13% of men report to attending Sunday school. Now this is a 13 year old study, but the trends before that were already declining in 2021. and I don't believe that it is a vast assumption to conclude that the numbers continue to fall after 2011. Put simply, based on the research that is presented in numerous studies from numerous sources, it is not a stretch to say that the causation of the loneliness epidemic is easy to see. The research suggests that men are not finding a helpmate Men are allowing lust to control them. They're refusing to grow up and take responsibility, and they are failing as fathers and spiritual caretakers. Now, before you get too harsh on me and turn this off, because I'm being so harsh on men, let me remind you of Proverbs chapter three, verse 11 to 12. My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof. For the Lord reproves him whom he loves as a father, the son in whom he delights. And likewise, Proverbs 25, 28, a man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. So is there a male loneliness epidemic? I think the research says yes. The reasons for that are the rejections of what God has intended for men. Now I will say something that I believe might be different than others here regarding the male loneliness epidemic and its solutions. You see, I believe that men are, according to scripture, uniquely created to be social beings. Feeling lonely for a man is actually a good thing, and it should drive men to seek out meaningful relationships. God actually instilled in man a desire for companionship, for responsibility, for caretaking, and he has done so in a unique and powerful manner. that by nature, even unregenerate individuals cannot escape. I would even conclude that it is good for man to have a sense of loneliness. In fact, feeling lonely is a gift. However, men are called by God to do something with this feeling. Let me be fully disclosing. While writing this episode, I had a situation in my own home. My wife needed me to specifically fulfill my role as a caretaker in a situation. As I read Genesis 1 and 2 in preparation for the program, I was reminded that my gifting from God is to care for my wife. So knowing she needed me, I immediately left my office, my computer, and this script to go and be with her as a caretaker. Here's the application. If you're feeling lonely, Look at what God's word says. Men are created with a desire for relationship, created as caretakers and the means, the physical and spiritual caretaking means are vitally important. God created man to take dominion over creation, invest in a project that is meaningful. So what can you do? Well, men engage in meaningful relationships. Call a friend. Or the new guy at your church, take him to lunch for a bike ride on a hunting trip or sit on your porch and smoke a cigar if that's the thing that you do with people. In other words, cultivate and invest. If you're married, get your wife out on a date, sit down and just listen to her for a few hours. Play with your kids. Take your daughter on a date. Take your son on a bike ride or out to play catch. See, men desire relationship for a reason. Men are called to cultivate relationships, not to sit in front of screens. Pursue your wife, your kids, and most importantly, your God. If you're a pastor, direct men in your church to do this. If you're a man in your church, then call men to cultivate relationships with their wives, with their kids, and with other men. Lead your family in family worship. Memorize a catechism with your kids, a creed or scripture. Let me say something that the world does not say. If you're lonely, good. Wives, if your husband is lonely, call him to cultivate relationship. Challenge him to do what God has designed him to do. See men, it is in your internal hard wiring given to you by God that is calling you to do something. It is God, in fact, that is telling you to create, cultivate, and caretake. And that's all I've got. Thank you for joining me for the program. If you found the content in this program to be of value, I would encourage you to share it, like it, and be sure to subscribe for more content like this. Sole Deo Gloria. Thank you for listening to the Warriors of Grace podcast. If you enjoyed the show today, please subscribe, leave a rating on the app, and share our episode with your friends and family. If you want to, you can follow us on Instagram at Servants of Grace, on Twitter at Servants of Grace, or search Servants of Grace on Facebook. You can also find our show on the front page of the website ServantsofGrace.org.