Alright, hopefully everybody's ready. Grab a handout on your way in, and if you have your Bible, you can look at it or at the top of your notes there, Philippians 2.4. As we work through this section, I hope we get through all this tonight, and looking also for the interests of others, talking about negotiation. If you have to get to the point where you're negotiating with people, Typically, in the world, you deal with competitive negotiation. You both stake out your positions and you work towards an agreement in the middle. And so, what he points out here is that as you deal with relationships and Christian fellowship, or even just neighbors. It's not always wise to do that. You end up with a lot of problems. And so there are inherent weaknesses in competitive negotiations. I meant to fill these blanks, and I'm sorry I didn't. So here's your blanks. The tendency is to focus on the surface rather than the source. so it fails often to produce the best solutions. It can be inefficient, that's your second blank, and it can damage personal relationships. And so if we are going to negotiate, we have to negotiate thinking not only to look out for our own interests, but also for the interests of others, Philippians 2.4. So again, the blanks are surface, inefficient, damage relationships. There is scriptural commendation for cooperative negotiation about loving your neighbor and doing to others as you would have them due to you, so we really need to be careful to really care about other people and not just our own interests. We are not just setting out our own position and hoping that we can carve out as much out of the other person's, make them give in as much as possible. Loving your neighbor applies to those even you disagree with, but that does not mean, there's your next blank, loving does not mean does not mean always giving in. So you do not have to always give in. You also can look out for your own interests. You do not have to just say, well, I'm going to be a nice person. The Bible says I have to be nice, so I have to turn the other cheek and just let them walk all over me. That's not biblical. And so he gives us a system here he calls PAUSE, P-A-U-S-E, which stands for Prepare, Affirm Relationships, understand interests, search for creative solutions, and evaluate objectively. So I'm going to write these up, and then we're going to walk through some of this. And I actually have a story from the book that I think will illuminate and really help. It helped me a lot as I was reading through this. He says, this is what you should do if you have to have a confrontation. Have you ever had a confrontation or ever had a negotiation with somebody? It's not fun. Like it really isn't a lot, especially if you have a good relationship with that person and you're putting something on the table, you're really risking your relationship with them. It can be difficult. So this is really helpful to move forward in a way that is God honoring. So understand interests. search for creative solutions, solutions, and then evaluate two key words here, objectively and reasonably. Objectively, reasonably. Okay, so what I decided to do is, as we look at the thing, I'm gonna read a section here, okay? So, story time, you ready? I felt like this is helpful, so see if you can picture what's going on here. The scenario is called The Barking Dog. Okay, so it's really practical. It says, Jim and Julie Johnson live in a two-acre tract of land outside town. Their nearest neighbors, Steve and Sally Smith, so you have the Johnsons and the Smiths, have a similar acreage. The two houses are located within 100 feet of each other on adjacent corners of the properties. The Smiths raise border collies as a hobby and a small business. A few weeks ago, they acquired a new dog named Molly, who barks sporadically several evenings a week. The annoying barking has been keeping the Johnsons awake at night, and their children are complaining about being tired in school. To make matters worse, the Smiths recently began an exercise in Feed Molly at 5 a.m. The noisy activities robbed the Johnsons of another hour of sleep. A week or so ago, Jim noticed Sally working in her garden and he went over to ask her if she would do something about the barking. She said she was sorry and for a few days the barking subsided. Within a week, however, it started again and seemed even worse than before. Yesterday, another neighbor told Julie that Steve had called everyone in the subdivision to see whether the dog was bothering them. In the process, he had said some very critical things about Jim. Julie had conducted her own survey and found that only a few of her neighbors had ever been annoyed by Molly's barking. Two neighbors are hard of hearing, and some of the others live far enough away they cannot hear the dog. Julie then checked with a county attorney and found out that it is a misdemeanor to keep a dog that disturbs a, quote, considerable number of persons in a neighborhood. Unfortunately, the county attorney does not seem to believe that Molly has disturbed enough people to justify charges. Therefore, Jim and Julie will need to negotiate a solution without the aid of the authorities." Okay, so what should they do in a scenario like this? Have any of you ever had a scenario like this where you had a barking dog? Okay, since when have we had a... Oh, you know what? We had a dog in our backyard that we were dog sitting and somebody called the cops on us. They did. Yes, ma'am. Okay, this is your brother's life. Okay, so this is real life. Okay, this stuff happens. This is not like way out there. And so in this, I thought it was helpful. They said they, Jim and Julie, so just to go back and verify, the Smiths are the ones who are the border collie people, and the Johnsons are the ones who are being bothered. Okay, so the Johnsons are being bothered by the Smiths. And it says that they identified two two issues that need to be addressed when they sat down and prepared, okay? Two issues. So when you prepare or you pray, you get the facts, that's your second blank, you get the facts, and you identify interests and issues, okay? And you carefully list what issues they are. And the way that you do that is you figure out, okay, what are, and in fact, let's, we'll actually talk about the difference between those in a second, but they actually started documenting things to make sure they understood the situation properly. Since the problem didn't need to be resolved immediately, they took several days to prepare to negotiate. They prayed every day. They asked God for wisdom. And to verify their complaint, they began to keep a written log of when Molly barked. And then they checked the library to see if there was anything on dog training in the library, and they checked the subdivision covenant to see if there were any rules against barking dogs. They did their homework. It's important to do your homework ahead of time. This is interesting, though. They said, then they identified two issues that need to be addressed. The first issue was, is it reasonable to expect the Smiths to do something about Maldi's barking? That's a question you have to address. Is this reasonable? Are we being reasonable, or are we being unreasonable? Because if you're not a dog owner, you might think, Well, of course they can control. It reminds me of how people sometimes think about children, right, on airplanes. They think, well, just control your child. Well, I can try, but I only have so much control over my child on an airplane, right? It's difficult. And the same thing could be said, is it reasonable? Number two, if it is, what's the best way to moderate her barking? So they put together this list of things, and they also noticed that the Smiths were more relaxed on Saturdays, so they decided that was the day they were going to approach them. So they basically did their homework. The second thing, the second step, after we prepare, is to affirm relationships. So if you look at your notes there, affirm, oh, let me finish this out, under prepare. Study the Bible was another one. So identify interests and issues, study the Bible. Develop opinions. So try to understand, try to get an idea of what you actually want to accomplish. Anticipate reactions. Okay, if we say this, how will they respond, likely? Plan an alternative to a negotiated agreement. So if things don't succeed, do we have somewhere else we're gonna turn? Plan your opening remarks with a positive tone, okay? Don't go into a meeting with negativity is the first thing you say. And then seek counsel, seek counsel. If you don't know what to do, it might be helpful to get a couple people who have done this before and ask their opinion. Okay, so the next thing you should do is affirm, he says here, affirm relationships. Communicate in a courteous manner, so listen respectfully. Communicate clearly. Ask questions. There's a saying that we like to use around here, which is accusations harden, questions soften. So instead of saying, you are being unkind or you're being mean by not controlling your dog or you're not thinking about other people, that's accusation. You can say, so we have four children and they have to get up early in the morning, can you see how it's difficult for us to get them up if they can't sleep at night? So questions can help soften and help people see your perspective. So how do you affirm relationships? One, communicate in a courteous manner. Two, spend time on personal issues. So instead of moving to material things, try to understand your opponent's personal concerns. Understand their personal concerns first. And we'll get into what that looked like in this scenario in a second. Always submit to authority. Be respectful of the leaders if there's someone else who's making the decision for you So if you have a third party involved be respectful that don't demand your way flip the page over earnestly seek to understand Pay attention to what they're saying ask real questions discuss their perceptions how they see things look out for their interests and So seek solutions that really satisfy everyone's needs. Address sin in a gracious manner. Address sin in a gracious manner. If you have to talk about people, what they've done something wrong or their sin, do so graciously. This is an interesting one. Allow face saving. What do I mean by that? When somebody saves face, what are we talking about? We use that to mean what? Don't humiliate, don't embarrass them. Allow them a way that they're not embarrassed or you're not doing this, you're not pushing them down and making them, you allow them a way out that allows them to save face, to shame, honor shame, to keep honor so they're not embarrassed publicly. and then give praise and thanks. When they make a valid point, acknowledge it and express appreciation. So as the scenario rolls on, it says they affirm their relationship with the Smiths. They asked for a meeting instead of demanding it. They conveyed courtesy and respect. They started the meeting by saying, quote, we really appreciate your willingness to talk with us. In fact, we're hoping that this situation will give us a chance to get to know one another better and to be better neighbors than before. OK, positive. We want to be better neighbors. We want to get to know you. Thank you for letting us have this meeting. And then they said, can we give you some of our concerns? She was careful not to accuse the Smiths of deliberately bothering anyone. And she made it clear that she and Jim were assuming the best. She asked them to explain their feelings and their concerns. As their relationship with the Johnsons was affirmed, they became increasingly willing to talk about the problems they had together. So they were affirming them and saying, look, we're here to help. We're here, we want to be in a better relationship. We're not here to just put you in line. Okay, so that is a very important part of this process before we get to understanding interests, which gets a little more technical. Any questions so far? This is all just kind of practical stuff. There isn't a Bible verse for this necessarily. It's more about just how we communicate with other people, and I think a very helpful thing to consider. In fact, if you have to ever go through this process with somebody, I encourage you to buy the book and just read through it and use it as a guide. Now this third step is interesting. It's called understanding interest because he identifies three different things. I didn't leave any blanks there for these three. I wanted you to see this in its full. I didn't want there to be any confusion. So he says an interest is an identifiable, concrete question that must be answered or addressed to reach an agreement. So it is something that's concrete. For example, should the Smiths do something to stop Molly's barking? That is an issue. Is that their responsibility? Or how can they stop her barking? That is a question. So a position is a second point, and that is the desired outcome. So the outcome is if the dog, for example, he says, if the dog keeps barking, you should get rid of her. Okay, or she's my dog, you have no right to tell me what to do with her. That's their positions. And the interest is what motivates people. So the issue is the thing that is concrete, what should happen, the position is where they're coming from, and the interest is what motivates them. It's something people value. So actually what he says here is that while, note positions are frequently at odds, but interests may be very similar. And so that's why he says, understand interest. It's not enough just to say, I want to keep my dog. You can't tell me what to do with my dog. It's what do you value? What is it you value about your animal in this situation? And how can we both see our interests met? And so here in the book, he says, for example, both the Smiths and the Johnsons probably want their children to enjoy living in the neighborhood. Therefore, when people focus on interests rather than positions, it's usually easier to develop appropriate or acceptable solutions. You're dealing with what is your desire, what's your goal, what are you trying to, what do you want, not what is your position that you're holding right now to get what you want. So again, this can be a little bit tricky. If we can get to the story, I think it might help you make a little more sense. But here he says, list your interests related to glorifying God, serving others, and growing to be like Christ. So your interests, which should be motivating you, and you have to understand that person's desires, why they are driven to do what they're doing. So here we go again in the story. He says, by the time they sat down to talk, they developed a more thorough list of the interests they thought were involved in the situation. So here are their interests, their personal desires, personal interests that they're confidential for now, okay? So this is what they decide among themselves. So the couple decides to glorify God. to trust, obey, and acknowledge God, to overlook minor offenses, to serve others, to teach our children what it means to be a Christian, to do good to the Smiths, to help them in concrete ways, and to grow to be like Christ. And then there are the personal interests they should reveal. So here's what they desire. A desire for peace and quiet. It's the reason they moved to the country. It's the reason they have a track of land. A sufficient rest for the kids. A comfortable relationship with our neighbors. Having our kids get along. And then they said, okay, so what might the other family, the Smiths, have? What interests might they have? They might have an affection for dogs. Maybe a need for additional income. Maybe they want a comfortable relationship with their neighbors and they want their kids to get along. So what are the things that they may have that they should, they said, what are the interests of Smith's have that we should be sensitive to such as tension within their marriage, perhaps that makes them more irritable towards each other, not enough money to pursue expensive solutions like a kennel or maybe a resentment of being told what to do. So here they're trying to figure out what is it that our neighbors, what is their interest? Why do they have these dogs? What are they trying to accomplish with these dogs? And what are we trying to accomplish by living in the country? And when you understand where they're coming from, it takes it out of the, your dog is noisy, shut your dog up, to trying to actually build towards a positive solution. Okay, so here's what they say. Sorry, give me one second. Okay, so they learned from the Smiths they had these additional interests. Both Sally and Steve came from families that loved dogs. Okay, so Molly was descended from one of Steve's father's favorite dogs, so there's a connection there. Steve didn't feel successful in his occupation as an accountant, but he gets a lot of satisfaction out of his dog breeding. Okay, so this is personal pride for him. One of the reasons they value their dogs so much is they show them they provide an attire for the family to work together, and they assign responsibility to their kids. So when they leave town for family trips, they worry their dogs barked because they had not found anyone they really trusted to take care of them. And their house had been burglarized a few years ago, so they were fearful of it happening again. So the barking was actually an assurance for them that they knew that their dog could keep away bad guys. The barking dog meant that that dog was alert. So it didn't bother them. So when they realized, okay, the interest actually, we have some similar interests, they started looking for creative solutions. When you look for creative solutions or search from creative solutions, what you're trying to do, if you'll notice your notes there, you try to satisfy as many interests as possible. So you're trying to expand the pie. And it's interesting in the story here, what they decided to do was, as they said, here's some ideas they have. The Johnsons and the children could get earplugs. Or they could purchase a noisemaker for their rooms. They could teach Molly to not bark by using a remote control shot collar. They could put a fence of trees to muffle the sound. They could exercise the dog in the morning. They could move the kid's bedrooms to the other side of the house. But as they did this, they started to notice that actually the dog was barking at certain things. So they made a list of all the things the dog was barking at and they realized that The story gets a little more complicated, so I'm not going to get into all the details. It really is irrelevant. But the idea is that as they worked through all of these details, they found out that the family had the dog was barking at people walking by on the road. So maybe if you move the dog to another part of the property where it can't see the road, it won't bark as much. Or you can put a shield up so she can't see the road, so she's not barking at every car that drives by. Or things like that. So the idea is that you can search for creative solutions that involves everyone's, because it's unreasonable for them to say, just get rid of the dog. This is a treasured family dog that's been, a dog that came from one of her dad's favorite dogs, or something like that. And then finally, if you'll notice, evaluate of options objectively and reasonably. So you look through the options for change and you try to discern what is objective. Let's be objective and let's be reasonable. Turn to Daniel 1 for a second. I want to show you something in your scripture that really is a good pattern of this. Again, the point of this is to kind of give you a template to see how you could possibly work through negotiating with someone. These are very important words. When you make evaluations of what to do, you've got to be objective and reasonable. And in Daniel 1, I want you to look at verse 11. Daniel and his friends were asked to eat of the king's meat. And it says in verse 11, Daniel said to the steward whom the chief of the eunuchs had set over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, please test your servants for 10 days. Let them give us vegetables to eat and water to drink. Then let our appearance be examined before you and the appearance of the young men who eat the portions of the king's delicacies. And as you see fit, so deal with your servants. So he consented with them in the matter and they tested him 10 days. Notice how Daniel asks the question. He poses a question, but what does he give as a way of knowing, as a way of presenting an alternative? What does he do? How would you describe his option? Reasonable. It's not going to cost them a lot of money. He's not saying, I want you to build me a special gym so I can work out. He's saying, I don't need you to build me a special house to live in. He says, I just want you to feed me vegetables instead of meat. Okay, no problem. That doesn't seem very difficult. It's also very objective. He says, look, 10 days, just give us, I think that's what he said, right, 10 days? Yeah, give us 10 days, and we'll see who looks healthier. It's pretty straightforward. And so if you can be objective and clear, you're being helpful here, and you're helping actually evaluate the problem and solve the problem. So he says, listen and show respect. Discern potential hidden reasons. Are there things they're not telling you? See things from their perspective. Build on their words. Invite advice. Invite criticism. Be reasonable as you negotiate with them. Don't be unreasonable. And sometimes it's helpful to have a spouse here, because your spouse can say, hey, you're being unreasonable. Think about their position as well. Okay? And then the last part is to put it in writing. Very, very important. Put it in writing. So here is the last bit of this. I'm sorry I'm going so fast. I wanted to get through Let's talk about their creative solutions. They say partway through their discussions, Sally suggested they take a moment, they think a moment of the times that Molly barked the most. As they compared records, they discovered that most of the nighttime barking occurred when the Smiths were out of town for several days and she had not been out of her kennel for exercising. Huh. So the person who took care of her wasn't doing a good job of that. Realizing Molly was probably getting tired of being confined, Julie offered to have her oldest daughter, Karen, feed and water Molly and take her for a walk every day when the Smiths were gone. So you're building on your relationships between the families, and you're actually helping solve their problem. Sally knew Karen would be responsible and conscientious, so when she was open to the idea and said she could even pay her. But Steve doubted Karen could handle Molly, and he was not willing to agree. So trying to change the focus, Sally noted that Molly sometimes barked even when they were at home. And so Jim said, what do you think she's barking at? And they noticed the highway, they noticed the people on the road. So the final step is to evaluate, and what they say here is that Let's see here, when they got home that night, they made sure their windows were open so they could hear Molly the moment she began to bark. And sure enough, an hour later, she began barking incessantly. So Jim ran outside and saw the two people on bicycles had just ridden by. So he kept a journal, and he noted them, and he made sure he knew that that was indeed what was happening, so he could present it to Steve, who didn't believe that was what was going on. He could say, look, every single time, this is exactly what's going on, and help them understand that was what was going on. So then, again, I talked about moving it, moving the kennel to another spot so she didn't get so distracted. So he said, hey, let's get our kids together. We can build a kennel together. I know how to build a kennel, I'll get the wood and we can do it, and we can do it as a project together and come together, so a way of building our relationship stronger. And then, so this is just kind of some ways you can see how a scenario might play out over time. The last thing I put on there is put it in writing, this is very important. And I love these questions, in fact, I saved this on my computer because I thought, these are just really, really good things to have in mind. Number one, what was resolved? You've got to agree on what was resolved. Number two, what actions are going to be taken? Are you doing this or am I doing it? So who's responsible, number three? And when should it be completed? And how will we review the results, number five? These are good things to keep. in your notebook somewhere, in your Bible somewhere, in your home somewhere, if you have to know them, like this is how we have to decide how this will be settled when we're all done. So any thoughts? I know we blew through that, but that is the basic idea of how to sit down. Jenna? I was just gonna say, I think the affirming tip is underrated. It is so huge at the front end to let them know, hey, my goal is, we're friends. We want to become closer friends. Because it's disarming, and it also sets the issue in its right place, which makes it less significant. It signals to them, this is not an issue. We're going to be good friends regardless. We just want to work through this, because it's a practical thing. And so I think that is so, I think sometimes we take especially with something like this that we've been thinking on for weeks. We've gone into it prepared. They haven't. And so when you have somebody come to you with an issue, your defenses go up. But if they can say to you, hey, listen, we want this to actually be a good thing and have a good conversation. It really does set the tone, and it gives you so much freedom because you've stated that goal at the beginning. That's really well said, and I think you're right. I think a lot of times when we have a problem like this, how do we typically handle it? We typically either ignore it, or we will be a little bit overly confrontational. We have the two extremes, or the confronters and the ignorers. The people who run away from problems, people who run to problems. And it's either people who say, what we talked about earlier, peace breakers or peace fakers. People who fake it and pretend like everything's fine are people who break peace, who just demand. And the temptation is to say, you need to get your dog to shut up. Now, the interesting thing about this story that I thought was so interesting as I read through it was, it's not a sin issue. Right? I mean, you're not talking about lying or stealing or cheating. It's not like you're confronting somebody over a sin. You're talking about something that's, kind of just one of those things to work through as you live in common areas. And so how does that work? How does that actually negotiation happen? And I think Jenna's right. You two affirm the relationship so that you're saying, look, I'm not doing this because I don't love you. I'm not doing this to get you in your place. I'm not putting you in your place. I'm not humiliating you. I'm just trying to help us be better neighbors. It goes a long way, yeah, and being Christ-like in your attitude. Other comments or thoughts? Yeah. I think understanding the interest is really important because if you can get across the idea, hey, we both want the same thing, and that's true in a lot of relationships, even marriage relationships, that we both, both people want the same thing. You want a happy relationship, you want, Yeah, and a lot of people have the way they've gotten results done in the past is by yelling at people. Right? The way you get results is by being a thorn in their flesh and just being annoying or being loud or being a bully. Like that's how things have gotten done in the past. So if somebody's, their dog is yapping, they're going to come over and they're going to yell at their neighbor and tell them to get their dog to shut up. Like that's just how they've solved problems in the past. But the problem with that is it really creates conflict in the relationship. So understanding their interests in both these situations, I may have read it too quickly, but the idea is that both families wanted their kids to enjoy being in the country. But the problem is that one wanted to be in the country because it's quiet, one wanted to be in the country because they could have dogs. And those are a little bit in conflict if the dogs are noisy. So both want this family-centered relationship. They want to have good relationship with their kids. They want their kids to have these experiences. And so having all this work together and having to actually work together at the end to build a doghouse on the other side of the property and to watch the dog for them and to do what they can to work together, it helps everybody out in this scenario. Other comments or thoughts about, or maybe, yeah, Bill. There it is. You know, I was cutting my hedge out in front of my house one day, and here comes a truck. And a guy jumps out of his truck, opens the back end, and comes out with a big net. And it's like he's going to catch butterflies. Well, there wasn't any butterflies that day. But he said, hey. I said, sir, how can I help you? He said, I've got a report. In the back of your home, we have your address. There's a dog tied up. It's not taking care of barking all the time. Well, I have my grandson's dog, and I built a big fence in the back area of the fort with the shelter, with plenty of food and water. The dog's loose, never tied up back there. He's got plenty of room to run in and out. And I said, well, sir, I said, You know, I have a dog. The dog barks. I said, the dog barks because there's squirrels and there's bunnies running around and he sees a squirrel up a tree. I said, the dog will bark. I said, go back and check it out. I said, by the way, how did you get that information? Could you share that with me? Oh, no. We can't share that. I said, OK. She said, but I want to see. I said, come on back. So he goes back and he looks. He says, well, he says, Must not be this dog. Well, that's what it was, because we got new neighbors that just moved in not too long ago. Other neighbors had moved out, and nothing was ever said. Well, these new neighbors moved in. I knew who it was. But I just, I didn't say, I said, OK, sir. I said, sorry you had to come, and he left me. And I never said nothing, though. I knew who it was. But I didn't say nothing to the neighbor. I didn't say anything. But then, you've got a neighbor on the other side that just that the house was built right on the other side, and I helped the guy put a fence around his house, and he's got three dogs that's always outside, and they're always barking outside. And somebody told me the other day, do you guys have a kennel somewhere? No, we don't have a kennel. No, but they have dogs that are barking, so other neighbors have heard of these dogs. But sometimes, you just have to... You don't work it out, you just have to take it as a Christian, Imagine if your friend had come to you and said, hey, what's going on with the dog? Is everything all right? That's a completely different thing than calling the cops. I remember when we got the cops called on us, we're like, what? Really? Jenna was like, I wonder who it was. She didn't know who it was, Bill, but she was going to find out. She figured it out because I think they told on themselves on Facebook. On the Facebook group, they're like, whose dog is barking? I'm going to call the cops. And sure enough, they showed up at our house. But like, you know, it's just not Christian. It's not Christian-like to just lash out like that. Every opportunity is an opportunity to glorify God. Every opportunity, every trouble that we have is an opportunity to glorify God and to help others grow. And so even situations where nobody's sinned necessarily, where you just get a little irritated at something, see it as that opportunity and try to work through it in a God-honoring way. And it will make a difference. You can have inroads. You can have a testimony with these people. Like, most people don't do this the right way. Most people just yell or call the cops or post on, that's the new thing, they post on next door Facebook, right? Won't you people get your dogs under control? You know, it's just a random, you know what I'm talking about, right? Or worse is posting videos from their ring doorbells and like, oh, this person should be arrested and it's some car driving by, you know, running a stoplight or something. Like, that is not the way we handle conflict. And if we handle conflict God's way, if we do things the right way and love people and not just be self-righteous, I think it'll make a huge difference in our community and in our relationships with others, okay? Well, let's pray as we close and appreciate your feedback. And I hope this is somewhat helpful for you. Thanks, Laura. Thank you so much for the time we were able to talk tonight about reconciliation and restoring really working through negotiation with people. And this is a hard thing because every situation is different. So God, I pray that you give us all wisdom. And most of all, help us not to lash out or act out of selfishness or anger or frustration. But Lord, help us to be kind and Christ-like and loving and firm and relying on your wisdom as we handle these things. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.