God, thank you so much for allowing us to gather together as a body of believers from all across the Metroplex and even other countries today and from other states as well. Thank you, Lord, that we have you in common and that supersedes all of our hobbies or likes or dislikes, but we are part of the body of Christ. We thank you for equipping Vodie all these years and for blessing him with the ability to speak and to articulate and to give us sound theology and sound teaching and to make it extremely practical where he challenges us to be the men and the women and the young people that you have called us to be. We pray, God, that these words would be edifying to us this morning. In Jesus' name we pray, amen. Welcome. All right. Well, good morning. I don't know, did they say anything about the books? Did they say anything about the books out there? Okay. So we have books out there. And we also have the Family Shepherds book out there. So we're talking about... Family Shepherds and a lot of the stuff that we're talking about comes directly from the Family Shepherds book, so you can get your copies of those out at the table. All right. Let's turn our attention now. We've looked at the whole idea of family evangelism and discipleship. And we alluded to that last piece of it, right? We have to understand the gospel, we have to understand evangelism, we have to understand discipleship. And we broke that down into three pieces. Do you remember those pieces? That first phase, the discipline training phase, the second phase, the catechism phase, third phase, there's that discipleship phase, right? Phase one, give me your attention. Phase two, give me your mind. Phase three, give me your hand, okay? So, we want to spend some more time talking about that, and I want us to look at child training in a little more depth. Usually when we start talking about child training, when we start talking about discipline, people will immediately think, you know, if I say my mom was a strict disciplinarian, then usually the picture people have in their mind is my mother beating on me, right? Because that's how we, you know, that's what discipline is, right? And that's rather unfortunate because there are actually two types of discipline. formative discipline and corrective discipline. And usually we think about corrective discipline and when we think about things like spanking, right, that would be a form of corrective discipline. But overwhelmingly, the discipline to which we're called is formative discipline. And I would say that the discipline that we apply with our children in terms of formative and corrective should be somewhere around a 70-30, 80-20 split. Like the overwhelming majority. of the discipline our children receive from us should be formative discipline, not corrective discipline. Now, that'll make more sense as we talk about these two things, okay? So, think about it this way. Formative discipline teaches you what's expected and how to accomplish it. Formative discipline teaches you what's expected and how to accomplish it. Corrective discipline comes when, knowing what's expected and how to accomplish it, you refuse. Do you got that? Formative discipline, basic training. Amen? Corrective discipline, court martial. Unfortunately for most of us as parents, we know nothing of formative discipline. All we have is corrective discipline. And so we're punitive with our children because they don't do what we never taught them to do. This is problematic. Right? And so, think about the coach, you know, who, again, corrective discipline, they put it in a sports metaphor. You know, maybe you have to do pushups, or you have to run laps, or you have to, whatever, right? There's some form of corrective discipline. Imagine the coach comes out and, you know, says, run this play. The players don't run the play correctly. Now, they don't have a playbook. They've never been taught how to run the play. But they're being made to do push-ups and run the stadium and everything else, because they didn't run that. It's crazy, right? Susie, you didn't share. Riddle me this, Batman. Did you ever teach Susie to share? Well, we, no. Did you ever deliberately teach Susie to share? Or did you just expect that she would do this thing called sharing? Did you ever teach her the principles behind sharing? The biblical principles behind sharing. Do you know the biblical principles behind sharing? Are you seeing the problem? Okay. And so again, we're strict disciplinarians, and there's no problem with being a strict disciplinarian, but we need to be as strict in our formative discipline. in teaching what it is that we expect and how it is that that is to be achieved. Listen to this advice from Cotton Mather, again, one of the late Puritans. He gives these five pieces of advice on formative discipline. Number one, we must learn to consider the condition of our children. We must learn to consider the condition of our children. This takes us back to what we talked about on last night. Considering the condition of our children means that we have an awareness of the theological reality surrounding our children, that they are fallen in Adam. There is none righteous. No, not even one. Amen? They are ruined sinners. They don't obey God. They don't want God. They don't seek after God, because scripture makes it very clear, no one seeks God. Amen? They don't. They are ruined sinners. So we must learn to consider the condition of our children. Secondly, we must learn to instruct our children in the great matters of salvation. Again, this goes back to what we talked about, understanding the gospel, understanding evangelism. We must learn to instruct our children in the great matters of salvation. This is very important. This is a very important part of formative discipline, right? And consider this. Discipline is going to produce character, right? Amen? You have to be very careful with that. Because it is true, discipline is going to produce character. But character is not a necessarily positive term. You can have good character, you can have bad character, right? Discipline is going to produce character. A lot of us want our kids to play sports because, you know, playing sports will produce character. No, actually it won't. It will reveal character, but it won't produce character. Competition reveals character, it doesn't produce it, okay? And playing sports can produce discipline, right? But again, that's different. When we talk about character as Christians, we mean the character of Christ. Let me give you an example. If I say he is disciplined, he is patient, he is absolutely committed to staying on task and accomplishing his goals whatever the cost, Right? You go, I want to hire that person. Actually, I'm talking about a hit man. Do you see what I mean? So we got to be really careful when we start talking about discipline and character that for us, we mean the character of Christ. Does that make sense? I don't just want my children to be disciplined. I don't just want them to have characteristics A through D. I want fruit of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. I want fruit of the spirit. I want the character of Christ to be produced in them. I want Christ to be formed in them and for them to be conformed to the image of Christ. And this is hugely important. So we must learn to instruct our children in the great matters of salvation. And the reason that this is important is because all of us have a natural tendency towards legalism and moralism. Legalism and moralism. It was legalism. Legalism is the idea that we are made right with God by keeping the law. We are made right with God by keeping the law. We are made right with God by keeping the rules. I'm a good person to the degree that I keep the rules. What is moralism? Moralism is the idea that we are made right with God to the degree that we reflect a certain morality. In moralism, And in legalism, the person and work of Christ is lessened. Because in moralism and legalism, the cross is devoid of its power. Because you don't need the cross to be a legalist. In fact, if you're a legalist, the cross makes no sense at all. If all you need to do is keep the law, God crushed and killed his only begotten son for no reason. Because that means you can keep the law apart from Christ. Do you follow? And again, we have to be really careful. And this is what Matthew is talking about. Number one, learn to consider the condition of your children. Your children are not morally neutral. And they don't just need to be pointed in the right direction and given some skills and some character traits to develop. Learn to instruct our children in the great matters of salvation, because that is their great need. Three, we must learn to rebuke and restrain them from everything prejudicial to their salvation. Now, when he says rebuke, he means call them aside, tell them what precept they have broken, tell them what God threatens, and call them to repent. Rebuke and restrain them from everything prejudicial to their salvation. Let's just be honest. Usually, the natural parental response is to rebuke and restrain them from everything prejudicial to our reputation. Right? Not prejudicial to their salvation, prejudicial to our reputation. That's why we'll have different standards when company comes. Hmm? There's certain craziness that you can get away with. But when company comes, Now I know nobody in here, I know nobody in here, right? But you know those people that I'm talking about, right? Where all of a sudden, company comes and there's a different standard. And certain things are just not going to be tolerated. Why? Because it's prejudicial to your reputation. And that's what we're most concerned about. Instead of rebuking and restraining them from everything prejudicial to their salvation. Fourthly, we must learn to lay charge upon our children. What does this mean? Charge them with scripture, charge them before they fall, and charge them repeatedly. Charge them with scripture, charge them before they fall, and charge them repeatedly. This requires that we have an understanding beforehand of what it is our children are going to need, what it is that they're going to face, and how it is that they're likely to fall. A great example of this is pornography. There are a lot of people who think about pornography in terms of seeing to it that their children never see pornography. Here's an unfortunate news flash. In the world in which we live, it's not if but when. Unfortunately. In the world in which we live, it's not if but when. In fact, there's a lot of things that we see today in commercials that 50 years ago would have had people up on charges. Think about this, lay charge on them, charge them with scripture, charge them before they fall, and charge them repeatedly. That means having an understanding that this is a very likely struggle. And getting ahead of it with a proper biblical framework to prepare them to handle it when it faces them. Again, this requires us to be formative and not just corrective. Is this making sense for us? Okay. And I mean, there's so many different examples that we could use, but that's just one example in particular. Okay. And then finally, we must learn to pray for our children. And I've said this on a number of occasions. When Mather talks about this, and there's this little booklet that he writes on the duty of parents to their children. And I, 40 pages or something in this little booklet, 40, 45 pages in this little booklet. And I just, I cannot read this section without weeping. when he talks about the urgency of praying for our children. Listen, I could have just finished praying for my children and then I read this and I'm like, man, I don't pray enough. But if we understand this great need, this is where we're led to, right? And so, Here's a little bit of a checklist. When we think about our children's greatest needs, when we think about the things that our children struggle with, do we think, oh, we need to get them better friends? We need to get them to a better environment. We need to get them better education. We need to get them better, right? It's the crowd that they're running with. And again, I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting for that one parent, because they've got to be out there somewhere, right? That one parent who will come to me and who will say, hey, you know, my kid is the bad crowd that everybody else's kid is running with. Because you notice, nobody's kid is the bad crowd. They just have problems because they run with the bad crowd, right? I'm waiting for that one parent, right, who's like, yeah, you've heard about my kid all over the world. As Christians, we understand our kid is the bad crowd. That they're falling in at him. We get that, right? And if you think this, if you think, okay, my kid has difficulty. If my kid could just get into, it's the crowd, it's their friends, it's the environment, it's the whatever. Okay. Do you believe then that if we could get your child into a pristine environment, that they'd be okay. Before you answer, remember, Adam, perfect parent, perfect environment, perfect surroundings, perfect companions, perfect man. So can we just all agree that your child's not better than Adam? And that the answer is not getting them to the garden, because Adam was in the garden and he fell. Amen, somebody? Amen. So this changes our understanding and our approach to what it is our children need, OK? When we talk about formative discipline, again, another way to talk about formative discipline is discipleship. We're preparing, we're training our children, we're indoctrinating our children, we're getting them ready. There is a continuum of discipline that we find in the scriptures. And one of the ways that we can see this, for example, is if we look in the Psalms. We go from formative to persuasive to corrective to punitive. Let's look at formative discipline. A couple of places that we see this. And I said the Psalms, I mean Proverbs. We're going to need a couple of readers here. Somebody read Proverbs 3, 13 to 15? We have a volunteer? Okay, and then we're going to have somebody read Proverbs 4, 7, and 8. Yeah, okay, great. All right, Proverbs 3, 13 to 15. Amen. Proverbs 4, 7 to 8. Note again what is happening in the book of Proverbs. This is a father encouraging his son toward proper behavior. This is formative discipline. Seek wisdom. Seek understanding, okay? This is not a kid who's done something wrong who's being corrected. This is formative discipline. In form of improper behavior is the next level, right? In form of improper behavior. So Proverbs 1, 10 to 15, really Proverbs 3, 31 and 32. So Proverbs 3, 31, 32. Anybody? Yes, right there. Okay. Again, honesty, right? We've gone from, Seek wisdom. Two, stay away from this. Stay away from this. Don't even envy this kind of person, stay away from this kind of person. Three, explain the negative consequences of sin. Proverbs 1, 18, 19. Anybody? All my readers are over here. What's up? This side of the room. Yes, right there. Right there. Okay. And then Proverbs 5, 3 through 6. Yes. Okay. 1, 18 to 19. Okay. Again, we're explaining negative consequences here, right? Five, three through six. No, we got back there. Okay? Again, this is not a father saying to his son, here's what you've done, here's who you've hooked up with, here's if you, no. This is a father saying to his son, listen, there's something out there you need to be aware of. Okay? And it's costly. It's costly. and here's what it costs. Again, this is formative discipline. All right, now we move to persuasive. Now we gently exhort. Proverbs 4, 1 and 2, and then 14 and 16. Proverbs 4, verse 1, 2, 14, and 16. Okay, 14, same chapter, 414 and then 416. OK. Do you notice the change in tone here? It's not, hey, this is bad stuff. Get involved in this, and here's what will happen. Now it's, do not. This is exhortation. Do not. Do not do this. We've gone from, this is how the world works. Here's the dangerous stuff. Two, listen to me, look at me. Do not. Again, nothing's been done wrong, right? This is formative discipline. This is a father preparing his son, okay? And then, gently rebuke and reproof. That's level five. Proverbs 3, 12. Money, and then Proverbs 24, 24 and 25. Okay, you got, which one you got? 24, 24 and 25. Proverbs 3, 12. All right, there we go. Okay, now we're gonna see what that looks like, 24. 24 and 25? 24 versus 24 and 25. Okay. So, reproof. Reproof of wickedness. Now we get to corrective discipline, okay? Now we get to corrective discipline. Now, again, notice the continuum here. We're encouraging proper behavior. We're highlighting righteousness, okay? And that's where we want to start, and that's where we want to spend time, okay? in form of improper behavior. Don't ignore it. Don't be ignorant of it. Don't let our children be ignorant of it. Explain negative consequences of sin because they have to understand that there's a price to be paid. Gently exhort. That's where we get to the do nots, okay? And then gently rebuke and reprove. Now, when we're rebuking and reproving, Now, we're actually responding to things that have gone in ways that we said that they shouldn't. And we're moving toward correction. Corrective discipline. Corrective discipline is punishment that does not cause physical harm. Punishment, and it's punitive, it's punitive, but it does not cause physical harm. Proverbs 19, 18. Anybody, come on, Proverbs 19, 18. Okay, that side over here. Proverbs 13, 24. See, I keep looking over here, all the hands going over there. Proverbs 23. 13 to 14, all right, there we go. Proverbs 23, 13, and 14, and then Proverbs 29, 15. All right, great, thank you. Proverbs 29, 15. All right, Proverbs 19, 18. Discipline your son for there is hope. Do not set your heart on putting him to death. Okay. Discipline your son for there is hope. Do not set your heart on putting him to death. Proverbs 13, 24. Okay, that's a famous passage, whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him. Proverbs 23, 13 and 14. Okay, Proverbs 29 15. Okay. So here we're talking about corrective discipline, and notice that corrective discipline, this is corporal punishment, but it's corporal punishment that does not cause physical harm, okay? It's not meant to maim, to injure, to, okay, the right of correction is not meant to be used in that way, it's not meant to be used out of anger, it's part of a continuum, okay? Problem comes when we don't have a continuum, when all we have is the rod. It's the only tool in our arsenal, right? The man whose only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail, right? It's the only tool in our arsenal. And it's what we use when we're frustrated, it's what we use when we're, it's not part of this continuum. But when it is a part of this continuum, and notice that we had to get to level six and this whole process of discipline before we saw this corporal punishment. So when I said the overwhelming majority of our discipline should be formative rather than corrective, again, I'm making that argument based on what we see clearly taught in scripture. that the majority of what we're doing, now, here's the good news. Because I know, you know, we hear this and we're like, oh man, I just, this formative discipline stuff, I don't, you probably do more formative discipline than you think. But because you don't know what it is, you're not being intentional about it. Amen? So it's not that we don't do formative discipline. It's just that we're not intentional about it. Okay? And the fact that we're not intentional about it means that we're not being as effective as we ought to be with it. Okay? You feel better? All right. Then there's level seven, corporal punishment that causes physical harm. Proverbs 10, 31. Proverbs 20, 30. All right, Proverbs 10.31. Yeah, see, cutting out people's tongues? That's causing physical harm. Proverbs 20.30. OK, these were wounding people, right? And then level 8, level 8 is death, stoning at the city gates. Here's the good news. Level 7 and 8 are actually in a different jurisdiction. OK? Remember we talked about those jurisdictions, right? We have those three institutions that God gave us. He gave us the family, and the church, and the state. These last levels of jurisdiction, they belong to the state, who, according to Romans 13, bears the sword, but not in vain. So you don't have to worry about level 7 and 8. And I'm grateful for that, because I wouldn't have made it. Because there's a couple of things that I never doubted when I was growing up. One, I never doubted that my mother loved me. Never, ever, ever did I doubt that. And two, I never doubted that she would kill me. But I'm glad she didn't. All right. Listen to this. This is from John Wesley. But some will tell you, all this is lost labor. A child need not be corrected at all. And when he talks about correction, he's talking about spanking, right? A child need not be corrected at all. Instruction, persuasion, and advice will be sufficient for any child without correction, especially if general reproof be added, as occasion may require. I answer, there may be particular instances wherein this method may be successful. Notice the double may be there. You must not in any wise lay this down as a universal rule, unless you suppose yourself wiser than Solomon or, to speak more properly, wiser than God. For it is God himself, who best knoweth his own creatures, that has told us expressly, he that spareth the rod hateth his son, but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. And upon this is grounded that plain commandment directed to all that fear God. Chasten thy son while there is hope and let not your soul spare for his crying. In other words, please spank your children. Early and often. Because there is need. because there is need. And it's interesting. that there are a lot of people who have huge issues with this, and they have huge issues with this, usually for a couple of reasons. One, there are some people who've been in situations where they've been abused, right? And they've seen this. And that's horrible. That's absolutely horrible. But the fact that there are people who have misused something that God gave us doesn't mean that we refuse to use what God gave us. Amen? It just means that we make sure that we learn how to use what God gave us properly. Right? So yes, there are people who have misused and who've abused that. And we redouble our efforts on not to do that. The second thing that happens is that there are people who don't want to engage in this process because they don't like the way they've responded to their children. So I've gotten angry, and I've flown off the handle, and I wailed on my kid, and I was in sin. And I'm just not gonna do that because I don't wanna be there. I've heard this, I've had this discussion. And inevitably, inevitably, when we unpack that, here's what you find. I have an aversion to spanking my child. And so I avoid it. I avoid it until. I avoid it until. Until when? Until you're fed up at the end of your rope and angry. You know what's ironic about that? That's somebody who's not spanking enough. Because you should have spanked way back there, right? But you didn't. And you thought you were being this wonderful, loving parent by letting stuff pile up on you until you flew off the handle. Do you see the problem there? And there's another issue. And the third issue is this. It's people who are not engaging in formative discipline. And the only tool that they have is corrective discipline. So they feel like all they're doing is beating on their children. And in some instances, that's true. That's true, that's the only engagement that you have with your children in terms of their discipline. And that is, that's problematic. We don't want to be there. We shouldn't be there, okay? So, what do we do? Well, I'm glad you asked. Here's what we do. We develop a plan. Amen? Now here's what I want all of you to do. I want all of you to think of areas in your child's life where you continue to run into obstacles, difficulties, right? My kid really struggles with this. We really have a problem with that, okay? Whatever it is, being disrespectful, being lazy, being, you know, whatever. I mean, the list could go on and on and on and on and on, right? And so maybe list that thing out, or list two or three of those things out, right? You're not writing. Like now, we should be doing this now. Get your little phone thingy out, notes and notifications and all this other stuff, right? And so, there's what you do. And then, go through this continuum on each one of them. First, encourage proper behavior. Now, here's what I don't mean. You're not the standard. So don't go back to your child with, here's what I like. Remember, we talked about being careful with the idea of character. We're looking for the character of Christ, not the character of my family's traditions or my preferences. Well, you know, in my family, we always, well, God bless you and your family. OK? But we're looking to form the character of Christ. OK? And that's not to say that there's no room for tradition. OK? Bible didn't say anything about saying yes sir and no sir and yes ma'am and no ma'am, but we press that. We don't press it as biblical truth, right? We make sure that we clarify that this is, but we press that. So I'm not saying that those, you know, traditions and things like that are unimportant, but again, what we've got to get to is this biblical process. So encourage proper behavior. What that means is you need to get down to brass tacks and figure out what it is the Bible says about this thing. What does the Bible say about being lazy? Go to the end, you sluggard. Proverbs, awesome. All kind of stuff up in through there, right? Or being disrespectful, or being irresponsible, or being all of these things, right? Find what Scripture teaches about this. Encourage proper behavior. Now, as you do this, don't just stop with Proverbs. Okay? And we don't have time to go into all of this, but remember, Proverbs is wisdom, not law. Here's another thing that you need to remember. Christ is the wise son of Proverbs, not you. Okay? Proverbs is about a wise son. And there's only one wise son, it's Christ. The son of Solomon who is the wise son of Proverbs is Christ. Okay? This is huge because what it does is it says, listen, I'm giving you these truths from Proverbs, not because if you try hard enough, you can be the wise son of Proverbs. I'm giving you these truths from the book of Proverbs, acknowledging the fact that no matter how hard you try, you'll never be the wise son of Proverbs because only Christ is the wise son of Proverbs. So I'm pointing out these things that are deficient in you and pointing you to the cross because that's the only place where the wise son who is all these things can be formed in you, which gets back to rebuking them against everything prejudicial to their salvation. Do you see how I did that? So be really careful on this, that we're not going back to legalism and moralism here. So when we're encouraging proper behavior, remember that we are talking about these behaviors in themselves, but ultimately we're getting to the truth that is found in Christ and a character that belongs to him. Two, in form of improper behavior. Not just this is good, this is bad, this is wrong. What is it that's wrong about that? And there's some ways that we can do this. You know, oftentimes when our children, you know, do something, you know, and our families like your family and that you have a child who apologizes for whatever. And one of the things we like to do is we have to go, that's great. You know, you're sorry for that and you want to be forgiven for that. But why was it wrong? Why was it wrong? What's wrong with talking to your brother like that? Why was it inappropriate for you to take that thing that didn't belong to you? So in form of improper behavior, and again, we're going back to the text. Not, this is wrong because we just don't do that. That's great, but it's not enough. In form of improper behavior, why is this wrong? Explain the negative consequences of sin. What does God say about this? What does he warn? in regard to this. And then we gently exhort, do not. Do not. Don't be that person. Don't live like that. And then gently rebuke and reprove. Here's some things that we've seen. And they're not OK. and they need to be corrected, okay? So, go through those five steps with these areas that you've just pointed out. One, two, three things, and then trace them back through this process. And then we go to our children, right, with these things, and we start being formative. We start being formative, all right? And we get this, you know? And I'll close with this. This great, wonderful, biblical example of formative discipline. There's a young man who wanted to learn karate. And he went to a man who knew karate in order to learn karate. And the man had him to wax his car. He was very specific in how his car was supposed to be waxed. Wax on, wax off, right? Wax on, wax off. And then he had him paint his fence, right? Paint the fence. He's very specific in how he had him paint the film. You guys know the story, right? It's Karate Kid, right? It's the Karate Kid, you know? And Mr. Miyagi comes and eventually the kid's like, you're supposed to be teaching me karate, you're not teaching me karate. Mr. Miyagi just goes off on him, you know? He does all these moves and stuff, right? What's the message there? That was formative discipline. Those things looked like they had nothing to do with karate. Right? But they did. They were important. And formative discipline, same way, okay? And our kids may think, you know, this has nothing to do, same thing when it comes to whatever, you know, reading or math or science or all this other stuff, right? They may think, why am I doing this? This makes no sense. Well, that's because you're ignorant. And I don't mean that as an insult. It's just true. You're ignorant. You don't know what you don't know. And we have to treat our children like they're ignorant because they are. They don't know. So we don't wait for our children to figure things out. We teach them what they don't know. And that's what formative discipline does. Okay? So go back with these tools. use these tools, and then eventually, we'll be able to go through this same process with everything that we're dealing with with our children, and begin to be more purposeful in our children's formative discipline. Amen? All right, let's pray. Father, thank you for, again, another opportunity to gather around your word, for another opportunity to apply the truth of the scripture to these very important, vital, everyday issues of life. We desire to raise our children and to do so rightly. So often we say we just desire to raise good kids But there's none who's good. We don't want to raise good kids. We want to raise godly kids. And we can only do that with your help. We can only do that through the person and work of Jesus Christ. We can only do that to the degree that Christ is formed in them. And so grant by your grace that we might use all the tools that you've given us for that purpose. For we ask these things in Christ's name and for his sake. Amen.