Communication to the glory of God. That's what we've been studying over the last few weeks on these afternoons where we're together. And I hope that the Lord is helping you as you listen to His word and then say amen to that and desire to change and let the Lord change how you communicate with others. And it's been great to hear even words that you've personally shared with me about how God is encouraging your heart through these times together. And you're really striving to put into practice what the Scripture tells us as far as communication is concerned. And we're going to kind of move toward the idea of conflict resolution this evening, and hopefully it'll be helpful. I know that there's probably a few of us in here who have experienced conflict on some level through the years, maybe even currently, and hopefully God will help us as we walk through these things. But as far as review is concerned, There we go. God has a wonderful plan for our words that is far better than any plan we could come up with on our own. So he wants to use us and our words to speak life. The scripture says that Death and life are in the power of the tongue. And so, God wants to use us. He has a wonderful plan. What happened? Sin radically altered God's agenda for our words, resulting in much hurt, confusion, and chaos. And so, God initially in the garden communicated with His creation, with Adam and Eve, and there was perfect communication until another voice that came in to really question the authority of God. And when that voice was the one that took precedent over God's voice, then it all went downhill from there. And so, God's design for our words, it's always meant to build up and encourage and help. Well, many times because of our sin, that's not what happens. However, in Christ, we find the grace that provides all that we need to speak as God intended us to speak. So there's hope with our communication that we can change. We don't have to stay where we are. God can actually move us towards the direction of Christlikeness because in Christ we are freed from ourselves, and so our speech, which just represents our heart, can actually be something that glorifies God through the process. So there's great hope as we talk about this, and the Bible teaches how to get from where we are to where God wants us to be. And so hopefully you're making progress as we have walked through the Scriptures in this area of communication. And God desires us to live at peace with Him, and He desires for us to live at peace with one another. Yet so many times the relationships that we have in our lives, they're marked by bitterness, hostility, resentment, and even sometimes anger. And these emotions overflow then in what? In really bitter words, biting words, words that are vengeful in the attitude that they represent. And then, therefore, there's a lot of hurt that takes place, and the relationships start to get strained. And so, how can we restore peace to a broken relationship? Well, God's Word tells us, and He gives us, He equips us, the way for us to really deal with difficult problems in our relationships, wrongs that have been committed in the past, and He tells us how to forgive and then move forward as we seek reconciliation with others. and strive to really use the relationships in our lives to the glory of God. And so, we have problems many times with family members. Sometimes there's conflict. How many of you would say, and we're just generally speaking, it could be a parent relationship that's gone on for 40 years, that there's regular conflict there. It could be a sibling relationship that's gone on for many, many, many years, maybe a child. But in some way, you would say that I have, through the years, experienced conflict within my family. And that would be either growing up or the years after that. And so you would say, you know what? I have experienced conflict in my family, OK? I would think many of us have been there. How many of us would say that I have experienced conflict with a co-worker or some sort of employee or maybe employer through the years? There's been conflict in those relationships. Okay? Probably the same hands, which is everybody, I would think. And then this is a little more narrow, but has anyone experienced any kind of conflict with neighbors, maybe in a neighborhood where you've had just a conflict that came up and you've experienced that, whether it's about an HOA issue, you wanted to build the fence, they didn't want you to build the fence. It could be all kinds of stuff. How many of you have had a neighbor that you've had conflict with? Yes, okay. So, my hand would have been up for all of those things. We had a neighbor in Michigan that we went through a hard time in our family, and we ended up having a house fire. And God took us through that when Madison was actually three months old. We were home at the time, we were getting ready to go to a missions conference at church, there in Detroit, and there was a halogen lamp in our little office area that had a pinched cord, and it caught on fire in that room, and then it spread through our house, and we lost our whole home. Well, in the process of rebuilding our home, a neighbor that we had that before the fire, we had a wonderful relationship with this lady and her family. In fact, the night of the fire, my wife actually ran out of the house without shoes on. She didn't have shoes when we went out that night. And our neighbor was the one that gathered some shoes and socks and things like that and brought it out. And so we had a very close relationship. But through the process, she did not like how we rebuilt the house. And she got very, very angry with us. And for the next couple of years that we lived there in that home, after we moved back in, there was just this wall. She would not, like, we lived in a neighborhood, you know, there's, I don't know, 10 feet between the two houses. And I would be in our yard working, or my wife, and she would be in her yard, which is like right there, and we would speak nothing. like we didn't even exist. It was the craziest thing. So, sometimes you can have conflict with people, and really, you know, from your perspective, you didn't do anything to create this conflict, but it comes about, and therefore, it's a relationship that's now strained and difficult and hard, and you have to know, okay, God, what do you want me to do with this, and how should I work through these things? But many times, That may be an extreme example. You may not have any neighbors like that, but perhaps, you know, there's one or two. Many times it's within a family, and it's in those close relationships with the people that we care for and love the most. And so sometimes our lives can look like this, and we spend more of our days in this kind of a scenario than what God intended for our family. And so He wants us to live at peace with one another. And even in our closest relationships, that's what He desires. But it's difficult to day in, day out, work so that our communication glorifies God, so that this is not our story on a regular basis. But I understand, as any married couple does, life is hard and life is difficult. And again, it can be the little things that build up and create the conflict and the walls of bitterness, and then the words come, and they're harsh and critical, and they're full of vengeful attitudes, and therefore, you have a scenario like this. And so this evening, I just want to kind of walk through some conflict resolution stuff. You may be familiar with Peacemakers, and a lot of this information is from that. We, you know, as I'm, this series is really a combination of all kinds of resources that are really helpful for us, but we're gonna keep moving through this process, but I think tonight it would be real helpful for us just to talk about conflict and how to resolve it. And so, this is just a simple diagram. that kind of helps. How many of you have seen this before from peacemakers? Okay, just a handful. All right. This is just a diagram that kind of helps us understand what normally takes place in conflict resolution. Well, I shouldn't even say conflict resolution, in dealing with conflict, because we're going to start with the portion that really is not the right way to handle conflict. And many times we're tempted along those lines. And so, I want to start with, first of all, what I would suggest would not be the way to handle conflict, and those would be categorized under escape responses. And these responses, and I'm going to give you three of them, and I'll go back to the the chart here, and it's on the left-hand side where you start with denial, flight, and then suicide. That would be the most extreme example of escape from conflict. But there's three typical escape responses that we see people as we kind of evaluate. The first one would be denial. One way to escape from conflict is to pretend that it does not exist. Now, first of all, you say, well, what do you mean by that? Well, let me give you an example. Sometimes, a married couple can get in such a rut of bad communication. And it happens and develops through the years that they're in the middle of it, they really don't even realize it. And maybe someone comes alongside, maybe a son or a daughter or someone else comes alongside and says, you know what, this really is not right. And you kind of are at the spot where you're like, ah, it's really not a problem. Or it's just that simple denial that you refuse to really view the conflict as a problem, and really refuse to do what needs to be done to resolve the conflict. And these responses that I'm talking about, they only bring temporary relief, and they usually make matters worse. And so I would not suggest, as we deal with conflict, whether it be in a roommate situation, a family situation, a neighbor, a coworker, that you deny it. That would be a wrong response to conflict. You must deal with the conflict in your life. I would say another escape response is really the flight response, where we tend to run away from the relationship. So it kind of goes to the next step, where, you know, it takes the form of maybe even ending a friendship. How many of you would say, I've had a relationship in my life that I really, really enjoyed at one point, whether it be a close friend or something like that, or a family member. I was there, I thoroughly enjoyed that relationship. Conflict came in, and now we don't even speak anymore. Anyone have that experience? Okay, a few of you. Well, many times when conflict comes in and one of the parties does not want to deal with it biblically, then you're at this place like, what do I do? Well, I would suggest that you not be the party that doesn't want to deal with it biblically. As much as it depends on you, strive to live at peace with all men. That's what God desires for us. Christ has brought peace to our hearts, and therefore we have the ability to live at peace with other people. But when conflict comes up, and we don't look at it in the face like we should and deal with it, then many times we have these escape responses. And I would say, to run away from your problem is not what God desires for your conflict. It's not how you're gonna resolve it. In fact, it's probably gonna make matters worse. You probably will end up at some point losing the relationship and therefore not be able to handle and really glorify God as much as it depends on you through your abilities as far as the conflict resolution. Now, the very extreme to this, and it probably doesn't happen a lot, but when people lose all hope in resolving conflict, they many times seek to escape the situation. And sometimes it's a desperate cry for help. and they end up taking their own lives. And this is never the right way to deal with conflict. This was never part of God's plan in dealing with conflict. But you look around the world in which we live today, and sometimes this is the end of the escape response, where people just say, you know what, I can't deal with it anymore, and I'm done, and I'm out. And therefore, they end up taking their lives in their own hands, which God never intended them to do. The other side of the spectrum, I would suggest, would be the, as well, another wrong approach, would be the attack responses, where you start to, instead of denying it and trying to run away from it, you engage in the conflict, but you engage the wrong way. And that's a problem as well. And so there's some responses that kind of describe this kind of way of dealing with it. And one would be assault. Some people try to overcome an opponent by using various forms of force or intimidation, such as verbal attacks. physical violence or efforts to damage a person financially or professionally, such conduct usually escalates the conflict. And so sometimes it's, it's the wrong way to go about is where you go on the attack and you're going to make it right. No matter what happens, you're going to set the record straight. And so therefore, you do not glorify God with your words or your actions, and it can escalate into violence, or it can escalate into just trying to get revenge and try to get back. You can say, well, you know what? My employer, he doesn't appreciate me, and he's not valuing my abilities, and maybe he's not really even giving what you should be given as far as bonuses or something like that. And so you just, in your anger and bitterness, you say, well, I'm going to show him. And sometimes we make choices, like we start to get lazy on the job and say, well, I'll show him. And then we make other choices, sometimes things that we would never, we would never think our hearts would do. But because we're so bitter and angry, we end up doing things that we look at like, how did we ever get here? And that's because we didn't handle conflict the right way. Even in a marriage relationship, where things escalate and the conflict gets greater and greater and greater. And sometimes then there's physical reactions that take place within a marriage relationship. And certainly hurtful words and And you look at your spouse and you're like, how did we ever get here? What happened? Well, most of the time it's because conflict wasn't dealt with correctly in a biblical way every step of the way. And so you get to this point where your regular response is to attack and not resolve. And so that's one step. Sometimes it goes a step farther as far as litigation. And I would say this, although some conflicts may legitimately be taken before a civil judge, and that's not the issue to debate here, lawsuits usually damage relationships, they sometimes diminish our Christian witness, and often fail to really achieve complete justice. And so I think for Christians, we should make every effort to settle our differences. Sometimes it can be settled within the church. Sometimes it's conflict resolution, if it's not even a church relationship kind of a thing. But this kind of takes it to the next level, and many times both parties end up losing at this point. And the process is long and hard, and many times, it gets worse and worse. Now, again, the other side of the extreme of suicide would be murder. And you say, well, that is very extreme, and it is extreme cases, but you turn on the evening news, and every, I hate to use harsh generalities, but almost every single evening, you can see how this developed. Where you had a conflict, People didn't resolve their conflict, and the conflict escalated to assault, and then quickly to murder. And we see it all over the place. Now, hopefully that's not where we are here tonight in the level of conflict in our lives, but people, sometimes they get so desperate to win a dispute, they will try to overcome the person or even take their life. And most people would not actually kill someone. But, you know, we should not forget that we stand guilty of murder in God's eyes when we harbor anger and contempt in our hearts towards other people. Did Jesus not say that he defined murder as to a heart issue? And so you could, even with your spouse, you know, we can get to the point where it's like, I just wish they would die. or a close relationship, or maybe a work scenario, whatever. And thoughts, we're tempted to have these thoughts in our minds that the evil one would love for us to dwell on. And if we're not careful, we mull those thoughts around, and we meditate on them, and many times, as we see, apart from the Lord, sometimes that conflict goes the absolute other direction, and it ends in death. So, what are the peacemaking responses? What would God want us to do? And this is kind of the center section that we wanna focus on. I would say, first of all, the gospel is the key to peace. All right? We must understand that Jesus is the true peacemaker. And someone who wants to follow His example is guided, motivated, and empowered by the gospel that Jesus came. And it's really the good news that God has forgiven us for our sins, and so the conflict between us and our Creator has been resolved. Now we still sin and fall short of God's glory, but our standing in Christ is secure and settled, that Jesus wraps his robes of righteousness around us. And so when God looks at us tonight, according to Romans 8, there's no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. And so Jesus has brought peace He is the great peacemaker, and so therefore, we need to then follow His example and be motivated to live at peace with other people. And so, the gospel is the key to peace. Through Christ, He has enabled us to break the habit of, whether it be escaping, and that can take the form, again, of denial, or flight, or some other point on the spectrum. And the gospel can help us to stop attacking others and responding in a way that does not please the Lord. And it really gives us hope that even in a broken, fallen world, we can have relationships that honor the Lord. And our communication can be to the glory of God in every relationship, again, so much that it depends on us. So what are some of these things that we can focus on as far as peacemaking responses? I would say, number one, sometimes we need to overlook an offense. And this is an area where you have to just kind of wrestle with the Lord and try to ask for wisdom to know. But many disputes are so insignificant that they should be resolved by just quietly and deliberately overlooking an offense. how many arguments in a marriage would really not take place if people just followed this perspective where, you know what? It's the little things, right? And if we were to just overlook the little things, but then it gets into the thing, well, but I've asked over and over and over for him to pick up his clothes. And here we are, 25 years later, and he's still not picking up his clothes. And fill in the gap, whatever it is. It can be how you interact in the kitchen, what you do with the toilet paper roll. I mean, I have done hours and hours and hours of marriage counseling, and there are some crazy things that really creates conflict in a marriage. And typically, they're the small, in what should be, with the big picture of life, insignificant things. So, take the last week, those of you who are married, take the last week, how you've interacted with your spouse, and the frustrations that have come into your heart over the last few days, and really identify, are there things that I could have overlooked? Are there areas where if I would have just been a little more patient, overlooking an offense, it can be a form of forgiveness. And many times it's just a deliberate decision to not talk about it, not dwell on it, but let it go and don't let it really create bitterness in our heart. You know, the scripture tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. And so sometimes it's just overlooking an offense. And yet many times we get very, very angry and bitter at people in our lives because of small things that we should just let go. Now, I'm very big on confrontation in regards to biblical confrontation. And I think that healthy relationships really require biblical confrontation, because we're just, we're all, you know, sinners, and we make mistakes in relationships, and so sometimes confrontation, but again, we have to start with the heart first, that, God, is this something I can just let go? And many times the conflict would go away if our hearts would make that choice and we would be genuine in it. But sometimes we need to go and do more work along those lines. And I would say reconciliation, which involves confrontation, If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged our relationship, we need to resolve personal or relational issues through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness. And Scripture tells us that. In Matthew, if your brother has sinned against you, go and be reconciled. Right? And also, if there's someone who is caught in a sin, according to Galatians, you who are spiritual, restore him gently. Colossians tells us in chapter three, forgive as the Lord forgave you. And so there's this process of reconciliation. And when couples come to see me, many times I ask them, describe your conflict for me. And many times you have to like, you know, pull it out. And I'm like, no, I actually want the nitty gritty. Like I want a window into what's happening inside your home or wherever you're fighting. And just tell me about what happened. And so I have to really get to what started it. And then what did you say? And then what did you say? And then, on the scale of one to ten, how intense did the argument get in the conflict? And so, there's this process of trying to understand the conflict that's involved. And then, therefore, many times it's two parties that are at fault. Rarely is it just one-sided, especially in a marriage relationship. But normally there's something that was done or said that was hurtful or disappointing, and the person who had higher expectations for this person realized, you know what, my expectations are not getting met, or I've been hurt severely, and so therefore I'm going to shut down, or I'm going to start attacking and respond. And so then it goes back and forth and back and forth. And we get to a scenario where it's like, you know, if someone would have, one of the two, would have just really taken the high road and said, you know, we're going to have some peace here, and really tried to communicate clearly, lovingly, Really, the pattern of conflict, it can be broken. It doesn't have to be the ongoing culture in your marriage, or with your children, or with your coworkers. And let me speak to a church scenario, where many times, something small, and what I would say, could be an offense that could be overlooked. happens because, you know, we live life together and many times that happens. And then a person gets hurt and they start to hold on to that hurt. And then they start to respond and make conclusions that may be true but may not be true. And then the divide in the relationships starts to happen. And then you find division in a church. And that's not what God intends. And so someone at some point has to really see, okay, I wanna honor God in this relationship, or maybe it's an outside friend to both parties, where that person needs to kinda step in and really promote reconciliation. But there needs to be an openness of communication where you can talk about it. Running from problems and running from relational issues will never solve anything. As much as it depends on you, strive to live for God's glory within conflict. It's so crucial, it's so important. I would say as well, you have negotiation. Many times, even if we successfully resolve relational issues, we may still need to work through material issues related to money, property, other rights. This should be done with really a cooperative spirit in which you can bring some sort of settlement or resolution And if we were to operate with Philippians 2, that each of us should look not only to our own interests, but the interests of others. Many times, the conflict resolution could happen a lot faster than what it typically does. I would say as well, mediation, sometimes it needs to go to that point. If two people cannot reach an agreement privately, it's sometimes good to get a more objective person involved to help communicate more effectively. And I think that's kind of the perspective that I take with counseling, is sometimes you just need an outside perspective and someone to evaluate and help speak into the situation. And so that mediation can happen there. And, you know, if someone is not willing to resolve, then you have to go and take another step. But you have arbitration that could happen when you and the opponent cannot come to a voluntary agreement. on a material issue, you may have to appoint one or more arbiters to listen. And this is just another step. And then, as well, I would say accountability many times can help. If a person who professes to be a Christian, he refuses to be reconciled to do what is right, Jesus commands the church then to really formally intervene and hold him accountable to the Scriptures and promote repentance for him. And if he refuses to listen, then there's that step of telling it to the church, where it's done carefully, and it takes the form, as we know it, of church discipline. And my position on church discipline is that it's not when this happens, when you stand up and have to tell it to the church. That's the end of church discipline. Church discipline should have started a long time before that, when the conflict came about, and there was an opportunity to really speak into maybe one life or both lives. And then, you know, the whole process, and unfortunately, sometimes it gets to this point. And I know probably through Calvary's history, there's been conflicts within the body, and this kind of thing had to have taken place. Sometimes there were conflicts that came up, as I have listened to the church history, and sometimes people dealt with it appropriately, and sometimes they didn't. And yet, the result, many times, is God is not glorified. And that's really how the church can end up, many times, really in a place where the gospel witness of the church is tarnished and hindered. I was listening to the story of one person this week, and this is their experience of church. And it was the first church that the person went to, they were attended. The pastor was involved in some sort of immoral conduct. The second church that this person was a part of in their life, there was a leadership situation where there was a moral issue as well. And then the third issue, or third church they went to, there was a pastoral issue of embezzling money. Like, how is that possible that a person's life can be defined, three churches, three really, really bad scenarios? So you wonder why people are like, I'm done with church. I'm done. I am tired of it. People are hypocrites. It's because many times when problems come up, they're not handled biblically, and people don't submit to the Scriptures and say, you know what? There are problems. We have problems. We all have problems. Let's deal with those problems in a biblical way. Let's communicate in a way that glorifies God. and let's move as much as it depends on us to conflict resolution. So simple definition of conflict, conflict is a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone's goals or desires. So that's a very basic definition. So where in your life is someone frustrating your goals or desires? And many times when you see that happening, you start to see conflict. And so it's something that we all face on some level on a regular basis. And so we have to get better at resolving conflict, or as I, and again, I understand, as much as it depends on you, strive to grow in this area. For primary causes of conflict, misunderstandings resulting from poor communication, Sometimes it's differences in values, goals, gifts, calling, priorities, expectations, interests, or opinions. And again, these are bigger categories. Sometimes it's competition over limited resources, such as time or money. And sometimes it's sinful attitudes and habits that lead to sinful words and actions. So conflict can come from all different perspectives. Yet, we have to learn to deal with it. We have to learn to deal with it biblically. God wants us to be living for His glory, alright, in our words. That's what He desires. He wants us to be changing, to be like Him in our communication. Jesus is the Word, and He is our only hope for our words, and the Gospel brings hope for change in the way we understand and solve our communication, and I would put as well, conflict problems. Now, this has been a very condensed way. I mean, if you think about the amount of conflict that can happen in our lives, and we just in 30, 40 minutes, you know, just ran through it. And so, I understand this is just a small way that we can try to help equip you how to handle conflict. But I would say, and I've tried to say it on a regular basis, if there are things in your life where you just say, you know what, I've tried and I'm just not at a place where I can find some resolution, would you try to, would you just open yourself up to get some help? I know it's hard to let people into your life and into those really close heart issues, but we really want Calvary to be a place where people understand it's a safe place to be a sinner. We don't condone sin, but it's a safe place to be a sinner. So we understand everyone has problems. And so therefore, we want to be the kind of body that we can be there for each other and help each other through the process. And the pastoral team is always willing to help, but there are people in this church that are gifted and they can help serve in a way that is just as effective. But you have to be willing to open up and be honest. The saddest thing that you hear, one of the sad things you hear, I guess, would be that as you see problems develop and you see couples or relationships get to where they're completely blown apart, you say, well, what happened? Well, way back here, There was things that were starting, and it just progressively got worse, and the conflict was not being dealt with to the point where you get all the way down here, and it's very, very sad situations. And so, in the life of a healthy church, if there's the atmosphere and culture where people actually can talk about their problems, then we can maybe come down here and prevent a lot of the things that end up in real devastating situations. And that's the kind of place we want to be. And so if you need help in your relationships, in your communication, I'm telling you, we will not judge you, we will not criticize you, but we will encourage you to follow Jesus. and walk with Jesus in the area of your communication and in the area of your conflict. And so, know that that invitation's always open, and we would love to help you in any way. I do want to just say at the very end of our time this evening, this is a communication series, and, you know, we talked about originally James says, be careful, those of you who want to be teachers, because you're going to be held to a stricter judgment, right? And so last week, I really blew it with my words in this time, and I wanted to just confess that to you all and ask you to forgive me. You may not have been here, but I used an illustration last week, and in that illustration, I kind of put a broad brush over a group of people that may be a little different than I am. And in that, I talked about a group of people that came from a certain college, the Hyles Anderson, and a group of pastors, and I was wrong to do that. And as soon as it came out in my mind, it's like, I didn't mean—that was not necessary. I should not have said it. And I want to be a pastor that shows grace to whoever I'm speaking about, whether they're just like me or we're very different in a lot of ways. And last week I didn't do that, and so I wanted to confess that to you and ask you to forgive me that, you know, as ironic as it is, I had a good brother come up and speak into my life after after the time, and I'm so thankful that he was willing to do that. I'm thankful that we have a culture that, you know, I blew it, and he came and told me, and it was really good, and I love him more for it. And so I wanted to make sure that I communicated that to you appropriately tonight. And Lord willing, as I talk about other people and other groups, I will be more gracious in the future, because I'm trying to learn my lesson. So let's pray as we conclude our time together. Father God, thank you that there's hope in the gospel to change us. God, we need to be more like your son, and our words need to be more careful, and they need to really come through the grid of scripture so that they glorify you. Lord, I pray that as we go from this place and we experience conflict in our lives, Lord, I pray that we would not run away from it, Lord, that we would not try to escape. And as well, Lord, I pray that we would not go on the attack and really try to solve and settle everything on our own. But Lord, help us to be very careful to look to your word and try to assess the situation with wisdom. And so sometimes, Lord, you call us just to overlook an offense, and I pray that we would be faithful to do that when that's what you want us to do. And then sometimes you want us to really deal with the conflict in a loving, kind way. And Lord, I pray that you would help us along those lines, and that's probably where many of us need to be this week, Lord. And so I pray that you'll help us, and with this information, I pray that you'll help us to be more careful in the days ahead. Lord, we want to live life to your glory, but we need your help, and we're thankful that it's ready and available in your holy and precious name, I pray. Amen.