I think that Janet passed out some things to you ladies. She's doing it right now, just for your help and benefit. Also, just so I don't forget, this sheet that's already on your table, for the men, the 40 things you should stop doing. For the ladies, the 15 things you should stop doing is on the other side. Here's my challenge to you as a couple. Today sometime, at home, read through that. Read through your side. what you should stop doing and mark those things that the Lord may prick your heart on that you know is something that you are doing, that you need to stop, need to implement. Make that a prayer concern that you have to carry through with that. Turn on the other side. All right, here's where it gets a little bit more delicate. Turn on the other side later today, read through that, and mark two or three things, at the most, two or three things that you would like to particularly point out to your spouse that you would like them to stop doing. Now ladies, you have 40 things on your husband that you can mark. Don't mark more than three. I'll say three to you. The husband, you read through the 15 things that your wife was reading, but this is on your sheet, and you mark no more than two things that you would like her to stop doing or work on, and then take some time to discuss it. All right, give your spouse your sheet. Let them see what you marked. All right, so that's just an assignment, a challenge that I want to give you in that. We will not get to the fourth session today. I'm gonna rush to get through at the third session. The fourth session pretty much, there's a handout there, is just basically was a summary. It was kind of a catch-all and was gonna do Q&A. We're not gonna have time for that. I will say right now though that Janet and I will be around for a while tearing some things down, but if any of you wanna talk or get some advice or counsel on something, we'd be happy to talk with you this afternoon after our time together. For some reason though, I felt for very impressed to take this a longer session than I probably ever, ever have. In fact, I rarely teach on marriage in the bedroom, sexuality. I don't know why, but again, there's a lot of things to it, growing burden, I guess the more I counsel things that I've seen, and because we live in such a sexualized society that is so perverted in so many ways, I think that calls for us to make sure that we are taking the time to express what the Bible says about that and what makes a healthy relationship in that. So, I'm not going to have time to expound on this, but I do want to make sure I fill in the blanks on this third session sheet. Proverbs 5, drink water from your own cistern, fresh water from your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets, let them be yours alone and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breast satisfy you at all times. Be exhilarated always with her love. Now, in the generation before us, in the older generation, I don't know that it was ever preached on publicly. It was taboo to talk about, even mention the word S-E-X in the pulpit. I know growing up, just wasn't ever taught. It was something that was behind closed doors at best. But obviously, God saw fit otherwise because there is the Song of Solomon or the Song of Songs, a whole book that describes very intimately relationship within marriage. And there are verses like this that kind of make us blush. But this is for the whole to hear and to read in scripture. It's important to God. He made it. We didn't think it up. It's not something that we've come to an evolution or something. The beauty of sexuality and the fulfillment that can happen is something God made at the very beginning and has been perverted since the very beginning. But again, all the more reason we need to be reminded of things. that the scripture says and ways to make it a blessing and to fulfill. As I mentioned, Song of Solomon, I read through part of it in the last week in preparation for this session and there are so many things there that you could use in saying to your spouse that would be helpful, beautiful, passionate descriptions like this. How beautiful you are, my darling. Your mouth is lovely. You are altogether beautiful, my darling. There is no blemish in you. You have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes. How beautiful is your love, your lips, my bride, drip honey." Oh, that's pretty sweet, isn't it? Write that down, tell it to your wife or husband, memorize it. There are other things because of the context of long ago and our context, I would not suggest. that doesn't cross over like this. Your hair is like a flock of goats. Your teeth are like a flock of ewes. Your neck is like the Tower of David built with rows of stones. Now if you and I say that to our spouses, probably that's gonna diffuse any good passionate moment, all right? So obviously we need to use some discretion in those matters. But 1st Corinthians 7, we read this earlier but I'm going to put it up before you. Because of immoralities, nothing new under the sun, things are bad today. They've been bad since Genesis. Because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfill his duty to the wife, likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I was listening to somebody this week on the subject of the sexual relationship between a man and a woman and they said it's really fairly cruel that we should buy into a biblical mandate of monogamy for life. and then enter that marriage under covenant contract in light of sexuality and how important it is and how perverted it is and all that to come into marriage and commit for the rest of our life, it's just you and me, nobody else. And then for it not to be a blessing and for us not to give each other what is needful in that relationship. We've bound, it's kind of cruel to bind ourselves from having that fulfillment into one relationship if it's not gonna happen rightly in that relationship. Are you following me in that? So here are some thoughts about all this. Abstinence from sex and marriage should be rare and is only to occur by mutual agreement for prayer concentration. At least that's what we gleaned from that 1 Corinthians 7 text there. And then it says, hey, if you take some time aside to pray, to seek the Lord, just have single-mindedness, fine, but make sure you come back. together in sexual relationship so that there won't be temptation. So that's a command. That's not an option. That's the command of scripture. And again, I remind you, this is not just a duty. This is a privilege and an opportunity and it's to be beautiful. It's not beautiful for a lot of reasons that I'm going to get to some of those things that we've got to make sure we're working through. But abstinence from sex should only be rare. Secondly, refusal to give your body to your spouse should never be used for manipulation or a weapon. and it sometimes is probably more so, and again I'm going to make some generalizations. I realize that there's probably a handful of you ladies in here where you are the fiery passionate one, right? And the man is not. I can't relate to that, but I've met and we've counseled ladies and men along the way where it's a lady coming saying, my husband hadn't had sex with me in weeks. I'm like, what's wrong with him? Is he sick? Is he home? I don't say this to her, but is he lacking something genetically? Is he a homosexual? Is he fulfilling himself in lust? And what is the deal? That doesn't make any sense to me because that's not the way God made it. So that's not natural. That's an abnormal. So I can't deal with all the. There's no possible exception to the rule, but in general, and we all know it, men tend to be the more sex-driven part of the race, right? And women tend to be the responders in that, are not generally driven as much. But neither one should ever use that as manipulation or as a weapon. And even though sex is carried out in the physical realm of the body, it is obviously much more, right? Yes, the physical realm is where it's carried out, but here are things that affect it, right? sickness, bad eating habits, headaches, you feel bad about yourself, you're overweight, you look in the mirror, you feel guilty in those ways, you don't want to give yourself to your spouse, whatever it may be. There's all kinds of reasons physically that encumber us, and those are all aspects of our physical being. But it's not just a physical issue where sexuality takes place, right? There's the mental well-being. Stress, time pressures, preoccupation with other things, Even though I am, like most other men that I know, that I'm very sexually driven and desire that relationship with my wife and I'm so grateful that God gave that to us as an act of communion and communication and oneness and all those things. There are times even in my own life, building a house or various things or stresses in certain areas where I'm not thinking about that. I'm driven by accomplishing, finishing some task that has Pressured me in that, and obviously with you ladies, there are things in your life who might not even have the general bent that your husband does towards sexuality. There's a lot of things that can preoccupy your mind and stress and children, on and on we go. All those affect a healthy or not so healthy sexual relationship. Emotionally, if there's been abuse, If there's anger, if there's fear, if there's shame, if there's hurt, you can fill out your own list there. But everything that affects you emotionally, men and women, affects us in our sexual activity or not with our spouse. And again, you can fill in the blank there with other things that you can think of on those levels. But the point is, whether it's our body or whether it's our mental state or whether it's our emotions, In that, in our spiritual state, to go with it, all of those affect our practice and attitude about sexuality. And particularly in the spiritual sense, to be driven by the need of the other and the other's fulfillment as Christ is with us in meeting our needs in that relationship. So that's just kind of some foundational issues in thinking about that. Let me get to some real practical matters. Basic problems that cause sexual paralysis. Guilt. And what I mean by that, here are some points. Transition from forbidden to blessed. What I mean by that is especially, let's say, in a strict moral environment, or particularly maybe a homeschool environment where we've raised our children, I already told you, we've been kind of weird in that we've challenged our children to let their first kiss be on their wedding day. And so what happens when they're 25 and we haven't talked a lot about the birds and the bees, not because I'm unwilling to, but just because I'm trying to keep them from... I had a discussion with my 23-year-old son this week. He said, Dad, I know we don't talk about it too much, but I'm just thinking about marriage in the future. Can you tell me some things here? And I didn't go any further than what he was asking for. That's right, and he affirmed again, Dad, thank you for not exposing me to a lot of things for the sake of not, now again, I know we have all different philosophies in here. My philosophy has been, because it was true of me, now I wish I would have had some more discussion from my parents, the extent of my parents, my dad never said anything, the only thing my mom ever said when I was probably 15 or 16 is, Lane, never go to bed with a girl. I was still so naive at 15, I thought, why would I go to bed with a girl? That didn't even make sense to me. It's hard to have somebody that naive today, but let me also say that my innocence kept me from a lot of temptation, because I wasn't tempted to things I didn't know about. And ignorance is not always bliss, but innocence is helpful, right? Anyway, my point is this. For my children, they may struggle a little bit with going, like I said, I've got a 25 or 20, uh, 25, fixing to be 26 year old. That's a beautiful girl. But there was a period in her time that she was so modest conscience that she wouldn't ever take off one of her undergarments that literally fell apart. I guess she didn't take a shower that she'd wear it. It was she wear three layers because she was so self-conscious of making sure that she didn't dress or look at modestly. We're going to have to have some serious talks with her. Her mother is for weeks and months prior to marriage to get her mentally prepared to actually expose herself to her husband and not feel any guilt because this is a beautiful thing. And we've painted sexuality as a beautiful thing. But at the same time we've not talked about it a lot simply because we didn't want them tipped in those areas. Recent or current immoralities. There may be guilt on your part that is hindering you from a right sexual relationship with your spouse right now because of either past or present immoralities. Whether that's actually been adultery and sexual acts or whether it's been pornography or whether it's been other some some form of fulfillment of lust that is making you feel guilty and so you don't give yourself to your spouse. unresolved feeling from premarital days. I've counseled couples and seen God set them free that even though they sought God's forgiveness for committing fornication prior to marriage, I mean between themselves, that was true with some of you in here, you were unfaithful to each other to God's command, you were immoral, right? And you sought God's forgiveness. I remember couples along the way, a pastor in fact, they've been married for 14 years, had several children, but they ended up publicly confessing to us that for all of their married life, there had been some restraint upon their relationship. Something that was just always in the way. And God revealed in those days that even though they had sought God's forgiveness, which is primary, they had not sought each other's forgiveness. And during the days of our meetings, they looked at each other one night and said, would you please forgive me for defiling you before we were married? And the wife forgave her husband. And she said, I was a willing participant in our immorality. Would you forgive me? And their testimony after that was that for the first time in their marriage, in all those years, that they were free to actually enjoy, delight, and move away from the guilt that they had sensed in that. And so that's what I mean by that. There may be some unresolved feelings from your premarital days, and it could have been with somebody else that you still feel guilty of. It could be a guilt that you have towards God because you haven't rightly repented and confessed that before him. And so there is this lack of right conscience before him. It could be some resentment that you have towards your spouse. And these two things are under that last point of unresolved feelings from premarital days. It could be that it's not your spouse that you didn't ask forgiveness of. It could be that you never got that right with God and so there's still that sense of guilt. Or it could be resentment towards your spouse that I'm talking about because of premarital sex that you had. hadn't asked each other's forgiveness so those are the two aspects that I was just relating to in that and then there is sometimes a sense that people feel like they need to punish theirselves or their spouse my wife was him no she wasn't okay we were both virgins we got married which is very rare today but I'm just using an example she had she is not she had no men before we got married and now we're in our marriage and I I somehow respond, react negatively to that by not meeting that need sexually that she has or vice versa. That's what I mean by this point. So it could be that that is something in your life that you need to make sure you're not doing. Punishment of yourself because of your own immoralities or punishment of your spouse and somehow withholding yourself from them. It could be because of fear. that there is a sexual paralysis in your marriage. That could be that there's been physical or emotional injury in your life and therefore you fear what might come about if you give yourself more sexually in your marriage relationship. It could be failure and insecurity that you have in the sexual act Um, and so you don't want to go to where you might be a failure again. It hasn't worked out in past weeks in your marriage I'm talking about and something has happened and so you're insecure and so it's just easier for us for us to avoid doing and being what we're supposed to be in that marriage. It could be a fear of exposure or discovery. It could be that you don't like the way that your body looks. It could be that there are some things about the way your body is that your spouse doesn't really know, and you don't want them to find out about you. It could be all kinds of things that you yourself are hiding close to your heart that you just don't feel. Again, even as I gave an example of my own children, at least that would be an initial struggle that they might have. In an ongoing marriage, it's hard to imagine that that would be a problem, but earlier on in marriage, I think that certainly could be. It could be this, now this is not the case with most, especially in this church, because you love children. There are a lot of big families here, but there are plenty of ladies that reserve themselves, especially at the height of when they are most sexually oriented during ovulation, when they know that they can get pregnant, and they might be most sexually driven during that time, and their husbands normally enjoy that, but they don't want to get pregnant right now, so they restrain and they pull back from that time. could be a fear of doing something that might displease God. By that I mean, and I'm not going to get graphic here and I'm not going to mention specifics, but there's always generally a question from couples is what's appropriate in marriage, right? What about doing this or what about doing this? Here's my bottom line counsel to anybody. God's Word, in my estimation, doesn't give the details of those things. Again, Song of Solomon is pretty graphic about a lot of things. We already know the only clear thing in Scripture is 1 Corinthians 7 that we read while I go up here. That is, her body belongs to me and my body belongs to her. And what I believe is, is that anything that we agree to, that we are consensual about and agree that we can do this in fulfilling each other, that therefore we believe God made it all okay because we're one and we belong to each other. There's nothing held back there unless one partner the other is uncomfortable with something. So that's just my general guideline that I think is a gleaning from the scriptural principle that her body belongs to me and my body belongs to her. But again, we're always going through the grid of other-centeredness. It is not her body belongs to me so I can do to her whatever I want. No, it's just that we belong to each other and we're the only ones that will ever belong to each other as long as we're both alive. And whatever you and I agree to, I want to fulfill her and she wants to fulfill me. And if we're good with that, then it's a good thing and we believe an honorable thing before God. That's just my philosophy as I would understand that. But nevertheless, the point is here is that we might have a sensitivity towards God of, is God okay with this? Well, I don't think God just said, you belong to each other. Enjoy one another. Another reason for paralysis is ignorance. that we don't know the facts. Now, that could be literally we don't know the physical facts. I know that the week or two before we were married, I read Timberlake Hayes' book on the act of marriage. There are probably more modern, updated books. That's an old book. It might even be out of print. But I know it opened my eyes because I was fairly ignorant. Wow, wow, wow. But that prepared me to understand how my body worked, how my wife's body worked, and was very helpful. And so if you don't understand, how our bodies work in a sexual way, then I urge you to read some books that will give a tasteful description of the details of that so that we can understand one another. There may be ignorance to biblical facts that we've been trying to discuss even right now in this short amount of time, that our body belongs to each other and what the scripture says of the beauty of sex. and sexuality in the context of marriage. And again, there are so many things that distort that we're an unbelievably over-sexualized society. It's just crazy. And so much of it is just perversion and immorality because the only place that sex can ever be rightly done is in the context of a committed covenant marriage relationship. Anything outside of that is perversion and distracts from the beauty of what God made it to be. Within those biblical facts, it could be the sanctity of the marital union. Now, look, my wife struggled with this. She'll remember it when I bring it up, because I haven't brought it up in years. But the first few years of our marriage, I would just bring up, you know what? Honey, whenever we make love together, it's an act of worship before God. Now, maybe I'm going too far in that. But my conviction of that was, is that since God made it, He told us to do it. It's a beautiful thing and whatever God calls us to is ultimately obedience and worship to him in that. So sexuality, the sexual relationship within marriage, I believe is rightly categorized as every other obedience is as an act of worship before God. Do you struggle with that thought? If you do, why? What is it that keeps you from embracing the beauty of what God has called it to be and intended it to be? Whatever deceptions or lies that we believe need to be brought in and under the context and the commands of Scripture. The need to be other-centered, as far as biblical facts. I remind you, and I've already said it, is that my primary goal in my sexual relationship is not about my own... No, I'm driven by desire for my wife. And she is driven by fulfilling me and her desire for me. And that comes and goes through hormones and other seasons of life and different changes where we all are. I understand that. Different things change. I get all that. But as long as there is still sexual need within at least one spouse within that marriage relationship, then there is an obligation out of love for one another to meet the needs in that relationship and to be other-centered depending on what those needs are in each. And that may vary from marriage to marriage and from spouse to spouse in here. Now, that doesn't mean that if you, let's just say you as a wife, have no sexual desire, no need for that, that you are expecting your husband to say, you need to put me first, and let's don't ever have sex. No, because you are not driven by your own need. You are driven ultimately by what the needs are of your spouse. But then you say, okay, then what about that? So what if I don't have a wife that never has any sexual desires, but what if I did have a wife that just doesn't have sexual desire? Is the drive now for me to say, you know what, she has no sexual desire, therefore I just need to stay away from her? No, because that is still... That is still contrary to what God said because the fact is I do rightly have sexual desire and God made marriage for that to be fulfilled and so I just need to be careful of how I move into that and help woo her and bring her into that relationship so this is not just an act of duty for her but it is actual an enjoyment of communion and communication in that. Some other thoughts to ponder. A satisfying sex life is a result of a satisfying marriage relationship, not the other way around. Good sex is not going to make a great marriage, but a great marriage will have great sex and good sexual relationship. It's really an issue of friendship. It's an issue of the communion and communication that we have regularly in our commitment to one another. Sex is not an end in itself, but it is a means to an end. Men have a high need for intimate physical affection. And again, I'm making some generalizations. Women have a high need for intimate communication. We might call that the TNT of marriage, touch and talk. Men need to touch, women need to talk. When those two come together, it is a beautiful occasion and harmony that God brings. Man, it would be wrong for us to just demand of our wife sexual relationship when we've been unwilling and we've been neglectful to communicate with them and build friendship and relationship with them. Ladies, at the same time, you need to be careful that you don't have to always have everything that you need because your husband is often driven by the need for sexual relationship and because we live in such a sexualized society and there are constant temptations that He will have in there, you need to make sure that you are being all that He wants and fulfilling that. And again, I realize that there can be perversions even in that. I'm assuming the best here scenario of Christian marriages that are simply trying to be all that God wants us to be, and sexuality is an important part of that. I remember before I got married, I had a pastor that counseled me pre-marriage, and he said, Lane, before marriage, it seems like sex is all you think marriage is going to be about. After you get married, sex is going to be a very small part of the totality of what marriage is about, but it's always going to remain a very important part. And that's been true. As far as sexuality, as far as time frame, it's about that much on the scale of a 24-hour day, right? Or all the hours that are within a week. But for me, I know, still at 52 years old, my sex drive hasn't gone from when I was 20 years old. Not yet, anyway. And it's extremely important to me. And my wife and I have open communication about that and the change in the different seasons of life. It's been wonderful and beautiful. In fact, to be honest, during those early years when we were struggling so much at emotional levels and the baggage that was brought in, praise the Lord, that was one area that wasn't a struggle. She needed that sexual issue from me, and I needed that from her, and that was a constant of healthiness in those early years of marriage when other things were really a struggle. If we've been struggling in all areas, wow, I can't imagine how difficult it would have been. But some of you, you have great marriages in these areas, but this is not one of them. And for all of us, it's got to take constant work because of the changes and seasons of life and the sensitivities that we've got to have to one another. Each spouse must have an equal commitment to giving to the other spouse what they need in this relationship. Let me just suggest some helpful pre-sexual activities. Do common things together. Have fun together. Do whatever that may be that you like. Take them on a date. We've been talking about that. Janet and I are on the way here. I didn't go through it because I was driving, but she went through the bag that Sarah and others put together. Those are some wonderful helps in there. Such a blessing. Thank you for Sarah and for those of you that put that together. The questions that were in there, the other things with the little heart-shaped candles, if you didn't look at those. We want to use everything in that bag because we want to keep growing our marriage and cultivating that. And we've got to keep having that kind of attitude and learning. But again, I've been trying to practice taking my wife on a date for a couple of decades now, and I still fell. The last time I took my wife out in the last couple of weeks, she said, Lane, you know, it's been several weeks. I'm probably saying that really nice. It could have been a couple of months, I think, since I took her out on a date, just because life goes on. What is my excuse in that? You know, I have excuses, but I'm just saying we've got to be committed in an ongoing way to give our spouse what they need. Now, non-sexual touches are very important, especially men, right? These are very important to our wives, that every time we touch them, we're not wanting to go jump in bed together. Love on them, rub their feet, give them non-sexual hugs, and that will often help them get into more of a mood with that. But again, if she's resistant to you, It's a much bigger problem of her not feeling close to you and not feeling loved by you, feeling neglected by you. She's been hurt by you. There's something else that has to be resolved if you're going to expect there to be a healthy relationship there. Avoid arguments. That's never good. At least at the beginning, right? Sometimes the best sex is after a big argument, you make up and it's just like, wow, a new relationship all over again. So I would put it this way, you know, have a small argument and then make up big, but don't have the big arguments. Avoid, avoid the big arguments. Those are just, those are, they have such collateral damage that often go on for several days in that. You might consider scheduling time for each other. Oh, I know that sounds so pragmatic, and this should be more, I get that, but the pragmatism of the day is that sometimes our schedules are so busy, and you have so much taking care of children, and this, and you're running here to church or whatever, I know that even early on in our marriage, in the first few years, I remember I was a pastor, and we had small children, just life seemed crazy, and we got to a place, for a season anyway, where we just made a commit. On Friday nights, we're gonna have a bubble bath together, and put the kids to bed, and this is our time. Hopefully it'll be other times too, but on Friday nights we got to have this at least at this point. I don't know what works for you. You do whatever works for you and be on the same page. Think of creative approaches, different approaches to leading up to that time and enjoying one another. Maybe like I said, a bubble bath together, maybe candies. Take some of these chocolates off the table and leave them for your spouse. She'll think you're cheap because you didn't go buy them, whatever. But ladies, give a break. He's trying, okay? He's trying in that. Foot and body lotion, and as I like to say, free rubs come with the lotion, of course. And often that's the case. Your spouse knows that, but they're willing for the rub of the feet and the back to give whatever they need because everything else is so good during that time. Sexual intimacy should become one of the deepest forms of communication between a husband and a wife. Is this my last point? Oh, good. Sexual intimacy should become one of the deepest forms of communication between a husband and wife. Again, because we live in such perversion and temptation as ever before us, all the more reason because of the technology of our day and because so many are working. You know, used to 100 years ago when the workforce was made 96% of men and women were all at home, you didn't have the sexes mixing together. It's probably one reason there was a 3% divorce rate in 1900. By World War I, only 4% of the workforce were women, and those were primarily school teachers that were single, not mothers, right? In 100 years, we have had such a dramatic cultural shift, we just assume this is the norm. It's not the norm traditionally in this country, and I don't believe it's the norm biblically, but it is where we are. And so you have sexes mixing together constantly during given days. We have technology, we have TVs, we have cell phones. We have things that are constantly alluring us in smell and in looks and everything else. And I remind you, men are, for the most part, we are trained to be sexual creatures through our eyes and what we see. That's why, and our wives are not like that, right? They're about relationship. They're about communication. And that's why, ladies, you understand that because that's the way your husband is wired, that's just the way God made us, that it's hard for them to keep their hands off of you when you're in the bathroom or when you're in the closet changing. All of a sudden, he gets a fiery look in his eyes. And it's so different, right? Man, you walk in and your wife sees you and she throws you a towel to cover yourself up because why are you exposing yourself right now? There's nothing sexual to her about that. Again, I'm making some generalizations. We're different. God made us like that. Men are the initiators. Women are the responders in that, as a general rule. And it's something that's to be beautiful, it's to be adored, and it's an extremely important part of marriage, and it must not be neglected. So whatever it is that's hanging you up from having a healthy sexual relationship needs to be addressed and dealt with, short-term, long-term, whatever that may be.