We're going to continue our series on parenting, and tonight we are going to be looking at parenting teens. Before we start that, I do want to welcome Matt and Colleen Aden, I guess is the one in the nursery, Dundon. They're missionaries. They're just stopping by tonight. They're missionaries serving to the deaf of Philadelphia. And they're planning on planting a deaf church there for the deaf people in Philadelphia. So make sure you say hi to them tonight. It's good to have them with us this evening. What's that? How do you sign hi? Just, oh, it's great. Yeah, OK, good. All right, very good. So let's go ahead then and get into our parenting team class. So in talking about parenting teams, what do we do here? Okay, yeah. Those are often the kinds of jokes I hear when talking about this. So let's take a look at this. Here's what we're going to do tonight. We're going to teach and about 7.40 I'm actually going to First of all, I thought about having the teens separate from the parents tonight entirely. I thought, no, I think it's good to actually have parents and teens together tonight, because teens need to sort of understand from a larger perspective what teens generally are going through. And I think this will help with that. So I think this will be very helpful. At 740, then what I'm going to do is I'm going to dismiss the teens. Enrique and Miranda are going to be down with the teens. And they're going to review some of the things that we went over down there. And we're going to have a chance as parents to talk as well and interact and maybe ask questions about what we're going over as well. So you can certainly interact while we're going through this, but you may want to save certain things for when we split up as well. And then of course we'll pray together around 8 o'clock. So that's the tentative plan. Let's begin with a big picture when we're talking about teenagers. The world has only had teenagers for about 80 years. The idea of teenagers over the thousands of years of civilization, it's actually a fairly recent concept. So before that time, you really didn't have the category of teenagers at all. You had children, you've always had children, and you've had adults, and you really didn't have an in-between category. They came into being around the 1920s and 30s as the last vestiges of the child labor practices were erased, the average number of years spent in schools increased, and children were not encouraged to marry until 16 or 17, which is now the 30s. So prior to this time, prior to the 1920s, You had children that were maybe they're working in the farm, they're working in the family business. They weren't always like abuse when it came to child labor. Sometimes they're just working alongside their parents, whatever that kind of thing. And schooling wasn't always extended all the way through high school as something that was mandatory, that kind of a thing. And so basically, you worked from school into the family business, that kind of thing, and you had a lot of responsibility. You may have still lived in their home until you got married, but you really had a lot of responsibility so that you really were considered to be an adult. I'll give you an example of this. My grandfather has told me on many occasions he drove a gas truck at 13. Now, it wasn't legal. But it was during the Great Depression. He had to take care of his family. It was one of those things where it just had to happen. At 13 years old, his family had a business. It was a gasoline business, gas distribution business. And at 13, the guy's driving a gas truck. He's working on tugboats at 14 and 15. I mean, this is the kind of work that he's doing, the kind of responsibility. A young man at even age 13, 12, 13, 14, is starting to take on personal responsibility for providing for the family before the 1920s. This, of course, all changes with the child labor laws. Now children under 18 can't work or under 15. I mean, there's an age and you have to have a permit and all that kind of stuff like we have today. You have school going all the way up through the teen years. And so then you have sort of this category where they're not children anymore, but they're also not adults anymore. This was the invention of the automobile also gave that age a level of unsupervised freedom previously unknown. The idea of basically having unsupervised freedom before the automobile where you could drive. People were always around. They were always seeing everything. So you didn't have the level of freedom either. So you had high levels of responsibility and lower levels of freedom. So that basically what you end up with, by the way this is compounded today by the invention of the smartphone and other devices, which I spelled wrong. Oops, let me go back. But basically what you're having is, prior to the 1920s, you have high levels of responsibility and lower levels of freedom, and so these two things go together. You want more freedom? What do you do? You take on more responsibility. You want more freedom? You take on more responsibility. Freedom and responsibility go hand in hand. You have the introduction of child labor laws. You have the automobile that you drive at 16. You can go different places. Now you have the smartphone. Teenagers aren't even wanting to drive like they were when I was a kid. Everybody couldn't wait to drive when I was a kid. We didn't have cell phones. But now people are smart, they have like this level of freedom in there right here, like they can talk to anyone and text anyone, anytime. And lots of freedom within their handheld device. And so you have the highest level of freedom imaginable with a lot, with not a lot of responsibility that's proportionate to the freedom. So that's why we have some interesting struggles now, prior to this level of freedom and physical development, were more proportionate to the level of responsibility. So you have teenagers, at 12, 13, 11, 12, 13, their cognitive ability is growing by a lot. Have you noticed that about your teens? something happens at some point where they begin to really analyze things and think about things and their cognitive ability really increases right around that time. And they start really thinking about things. So they have the intellectual ability almost, or if not completely, of an adult. But they, of course, they don't have the wisdom or the experience of an adult, and really they don't have the level of responsibility of an adult. So you have this thing called teenagers. There is now increased ability for freedom with decreasing need for responsibility. Now, let's just pause and ask the question. Let me say it this way. Does this ring true? Does this make sense? When you think about the history of our country, you can even see it in your own generation. I can say, when I was a teenager, We didn't have the level of freedom that a teenager often has today. We had more levels of responsibility than a teenager often has today. But even that was not nearly in comparison to, like, my grandfather, who's driving a gas truck at 13. So it's going the wrong direction, basically, when it comes to this. And so culture has created a time period. Now, let me ask this question. Just off the top of your head, how do parents compensate for this difficulty? How do parents compensate for that? Josh? Create rules and guidelines. You have to have guidelines and rules And what are those guidelines and rules going to do? They're going to do one thing. They need to increase levels of responsibility. And they have to do what else? Decrease levels of freedom. Now that makes the parent what? A bad guy. That's what it makes the parent. You look at what a teenager's smart. Okay. 12, 13 year old, 14 year old, same cognitive ability as an adult or similar. And they're looking at the world, they're looking at everything and they know what they can do. They know what the ability is for them to do. So they're saying, why is dad reducing my level or mom or both reducing my level of freedom and increasing my level of responsibility? Why are they doing that? Well, why are we doing it? because our responsibility as parents is to train them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. We understand the danger. There is great danger when you have high levels of freedom and very little responsibility. None of us can handle that. Adults can't handle that either. You take an adult that has huge levels of freedom with no responsibility, okay, and they can't handle it either. So this isn't even like on the team, it's not like the team's fault necessarily that they can't handle high levels of freedom and low levels of responsibility. Nobody can do that. We're not wired that way. And we're gonna actually see scripturally where scripture always links up freedom with responsibility. Those two things always link up. God always couples, this is where we see it, God always couples freedom with responsibility. Galatians 5.13 says this, for you, brethren, have been called to liberty. Only, be careful with liberty, you're free in Christ, do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love, serve one another. You have a responsibility. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even this, you shall love the neighbor as yourself, but if you bite and devour one another, beware, lest you be consumed by one another. Don't you see that? Don't you see this here? You're called to liberty, but you've got responsibility. Don't use liberty as an occasion for the flesh. Make sure that you're loving, you're giving of yourself to others. As you experience liberty, make sure you're giving of yourself to others. You have the balance of both freedom and responsibility together. And so the Bible, this is the way the Bible teaches. It's all the way through, you see this in Proverbs, you see this all the way through scripture, Having freedom comes with responsibility. And so it's very important for us to understand that as parents, if we really love our kids, we are going to have to set up guidelines and rules that regulate this because our culture is going crazy with it. Right? And frankly, we wouldn't be able to handle it if we didn't have lots of responsibilities. And even sometimes we still, as adults, can't handle it. And we can't expect our kids to be able to handle it either, or teenagers. It's worth noting that there's no real such thing as a teenager in the Bible. It is not really a biblical category, nor even a human category in a lot of cultures. Kids don't become a new species in middle school just because the English language puts teen at the end of the numbers after 12. It's not really a biblical idea. A teenager is not. The Bible has commands to children and to parents. It addresses young men and older men and women, but no words about teens. We must remember that children, including teens, are a blessing. So, you know, a lot of times, a lot of times when we, when, so I'll give you an illustration. So I had a physical this past week on Monday and during the physical, my doctor always asks me, how are your kids? Always ask me that question every single time. How are your kids doing? He could never remember how many I have or how many, or what gender, and I explained it all. He says, I have three girls. And he goes, oh, wow. Wow, yeah, you've got your hands full, yeah. And then I say, he said, what are their ages? And I said, well, I've got a 13, 11-year-old and seven-year-old. Oh, you've got a teenager. I mean, immediately. You're a teenager. Boy, you are really, you are. Good thing you're running. You're stressed. I can tell you're stressed. Okay, I mean, this is the kind of thing that, this is what you hear when you start having teenagers, because everybody feels like, oh no. But biblically, we ought not to be thinking that way. Biblically, we ought to realize our children are a blessing from the Lord. And we ought not be thinking, oh no, they're teenagers now. That's the culture saying that. It's not what the Bible says. And frankly, I can tell you that I enjoy my team most of the time. I do. We have good discussions. She asks questions that Julie definitely doesn't ask. And we talk about things. We'll ride in the car together. I'll listen to different podcasts and things like that. I'll listen to Al Mohler. How many of you have ever listened to Al Mohler before? Okay, Al Mohler is like, he's on a very adult level in the sense of cognitive ability. The guy's probably the smartest guy I've ever heard on the radio. And so I'll listen to him and she can go right in there with it. She hears it and listens and is right with me on it and asks questions about it. We discuss it, that kind of thing. So I think we ought to enjoy our teens. I think we ought to, they're a blessing and we ought to see them that way. Our God-given task is to raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, or discipline and instruction. That's what Ephesians 6.4 says, to teach them the Word of God. As we sit, walk, get up, lie down, we've been through these passages before in raising children, we ought to pray and love and teach them and show them they live under authority. They've got to understand that they live under authority. Why? Because ultimately, whose authority do they live under? God's authority. We live under God's authority, and they live under God's authority. We must teach them this. We teach them about this God, his salvation, and his ways. Lead them to a developing godly character. Prepare them to live, we pray, as adults who love and serve Christ. So these are the things that we are commanded to do. This is what God wants us to do. As long as we have responsibility for our children, which goes up through the teen years, we have responsibility to train them and nurture them. A lot of literature talks about the coming storm and dreading the teen years. Instead, we should just see this as another season of life that will have its own challenges and joys and opportunities. It's important to view our teens. So sometimes we as parents, we get in trouble when we have the wrong attitude about our teens. When we have an attitude like, oh, they're just such a pain, they're just such, that's a wrong attitude. Probably, occasionally, we as parents need to confess to our teens that we have bad attitudes. I mean, they get it from us to some degree. And it's important for us to understand that our attitude toward them needs to, and I'll tell you, You know, this is something that you're, you know, well, I'll just keep going through this and you'll see. Opportunities for instruction, for fun, and for deeper fellowship. We should see it that way when it comes to our teens. This is actually an opportunity to get closer to our teens. To know our kids better. To have opportunities that we wouldn't otherwise have with them. But on the other hand, even though teens, it's not a biblical category. It certainly is a cultural category, isn't it? So there is a cultural need for understanding. And I think the biggest, the word that you would use to describe what teens go through, if you had to use one word, it would be the word change. There's lots of changes happening, isn't there? Now, as a child, they're changing as well. But the awareness of the change, seems to really increase during the teen years. So there's change, and there's awareness of the change. As a child, you're not really aware. You just grow, and you don't really pay attention to what's happening. Your parents know. They watch the kid grow, and they're amazed that they go from here to here so fast and do all these different things. And it's incredible how quickly our kids grow, even from a baby on. I can't believe my kids are as old as they are. And I mean, it just seems like yesterday they were babies. And yet, at the same time, they don't really notice that. But when they get into the teen years, they begin to see, they notice, when they change, they understand they're changing more. So it's a season of change for them. The fundamentals aren't really different. But if they aren't different, why this lesson then? Well, if anything, really, it's different about teens and shepherding them. What, if anything, is different about them? So what's different about them is what we're going to ask. While our teens are still our children, they are going to go through some significant changes and beginning to confront more and more of life as they transition from completely dependent to independent. So as children, you know, you're changing their diapers as babies. Totally dependent for everything. They totally depend on you for everything. Without you, they will die. But as teens, they probably would still live without you. So they're moving from dependency to independency. But they're not independent, but they're not completely dependent either. And so there is, I mean, is it easy to be a teenager? In our culture, it's not easy. In fact, it's extremely hard. In fact, I would even go so far as to say it is the hardest it has ever been in the history of our country, in my opinion. It's got to be. With all of the temptations, all of the freedom, the access to anything and to everything, it is extremely difficult to be a teenager in our culture. And so we need to learn how to guide them. So what changes are we going to look at? What changes? Well, the first one's kind of obvious. They will go through something significant called puberty. That's what they're going to begin at the beginning of the teenage years. That's what's going to happen. They're going to go through puberty. Tripp says it this way, there's an explosion of sexual awareness and sexual temptation in the teenage years. Prior to pre-teens, now it seems to be younger and younger, these kinds of awarenesses are happening. But, you know, six, seven, eight, nine, hopefully, you're not aware of these things. Even 10 you start, 11, 12, definitely 13, 14, 15, full bore on this. There's almost nowhere outside of the Christian community that a teenager will get anything close to an accurate perspective to this significant area of life. I mean, that's pretty absolute, but it's really true. Outside the Christian community, no teenager will get anything close to an accurate perspective on the issue of sex and sexual temptation. Teens are beginning from patterns of thinking and behavior that are foundational to the adult lives. We must be committed as parents to keep this topic on the table. and approach it with frank and open questions and patient dialogue. How do we combat this? How do we deal with this? We need to be open. We need to have a very open relationship with our teenagers on this subject and every other subject, frankly. There needs to be total openness because when there is compartments closed off, And the world, the culture is influencing and the culture is putting their programming into a closed off area. It's extremely dangerous. So how do we deal with this? We deal with this by absolute transparency. I have a pastor friend who's now raised four teens successfully. They're all in college or out of college now and married. And he said he had a very clear open-door policy with all of his kids. The doors in their bedrooms stayed open, unless they're getting dressed or something obvious like that. He would walk by, occasionally with his sons particularly, and he'd just walk by their room and say, hey, what are you thinking right now? What are you thinking? I just want to know, what are you thinking right now? Just tell me what's on your mind. And they, from a very early age, began to just tell dad what were they thinking. It is a, in my opinion, it's a deception of Satan for a parent to think that they'll just let their kids figure all this out on their own. Or, this is just too awkward, it makes me too uncomfortable, I'll just let them I'll just let them handle that. I don't really want to talk about that. Is it, does it feel a little uncomfortable? It does feel uncomfortable. Uh, but we, we gotta get past that in our day and age. And we, our kids shouldn't be talking to other kids. They're friends about this area, but they should have an open door to talk to us anytime about this area as parents. Of course, if you have daughters, that means that it's with, in my case, I'm with my wife when we talk about it. If you have sons, then it's the father. Of course, mothers, sometimes the girls don't want to talk to their moms about things. But there ought to be that they don't want dad around, which is fine. I feel a little left out sometimes, but it's okay. No, but that's perfectly fine. But there needs to be open dialogue about these things. Teenagers are also changing in their ability to comprehend and process what's going on in the world. We can't get away anymore with simple child-like explanations for things. At three years old, you must obey mommy. At 14, why do you have to obey? Why do I have to obey you? The things that they face begin to require more wisdom. But in God's amazing plan, they are becoming more and more able to learn. The things they face begin to require more... All right, so let's talk about this for a minute. You ever noticed as your kids get older, there seems to be an age, and I don't know what that age is exactly, but there seems to be an age where they're questioning things more. They're wondering, okay, yes, I know I have to follow you, I need to obey you, but why are you telling me this? Why do you want me to know, why do I have to do this? How many of you have parents that's caught you off guard a few times? You're used to, as a kid, as their parent and their kids, just saying, do this, do that, do this, and they do it. If they don't, they get spanked, whatever. But then they get to a certain age, and then they're like, well, why do I have to do that? I think all of us, at one time or another, have been caught off guard by that. And sometimes we, as parents, we react wrongly to it. Sometimes we get mad, we express anger, we don't deal with it correctly, and that can put up a wall. So there's a wall between the parent and the teen, because now they feel as though they can't express themselves to the parent. The parent's like, why are you asking these questions? I'm the parent, you're not, so why are you asking me these questions? And so you've got a wall up, and so now, okay, well, Fine, I'll just keep my little thoughts to myself and I'll have a little thought life over here that I'm not going to tell anybody about. And that's sometimes how the whole problem, how some of the problem starts. Now, does that mean that as parents of our teens, does that mean that we never say, look, you just have to follow and obey? Sometimes you have to say that. Sometimes you have to say, look, I'm your parent, and you just have to obey. But we are supposed to, biblically, it's all over scripture that we are supposed to be training our kids and training our teens. So we ought to have the heart of a teacher when it comes to our teens. We ought to want to explain to them what's going on. We want to explain to them our thought process of why. They may argue at a certain point, and then at some point you say, look, we're done here. We don't really agree. I'm your parent, and you don't really have the wisdom to really grasp this apparently, so you're just gonna do what I said to do. What two qualities are going to really help a team in the early stages of their development, when they begin the teenage years? What two qualities are really going to help them with interactions like that? And let's go a little further. What qualities, maybe there's more than one or two, are going to help us as parents? Let's start with the parents, actually. What qualities are going to help us as parents in interactions like that. We need to discuss things, but at some point we need to just say, this is what it is, this is the way it is. What qualities, in general, do parents need? Any ideas? Josh? I think patience is so key. Extremely. Patience is probably the most important thing. That doesn't mean you're a pushover. It doesn't mean you overlook sin. It doesn't mean you just, but they're patient. And I have to admit to you that I have not, that I have not always been patient. Sometimes I'm like, why are you asking me that? And now I've got two of them. I got a preteen and a teen and they're asking questions and I'm thinking to myself, Oh, okay. But, but sometimes I'm, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not reacting. I'm not as patient as I should be. So patience is absolutely necessary. Discernment, wisdom, yeah. Humility. Actually, is that not helpful for everyone? It really is actually the key on both the parent's side and the teen's side. If a teenager can learn humility and if a parent can also be humble, what does the Bible say about contention? Only by what? Only by pride comes contention. So if you have both sides, and the parent's humble, and the child is humble, then the interactions, it doesn't mean the parent just, okay, I just don't know what I'm doing, so I'm gonna let you do it. That's not humility. But humility is, okay, I need to be the parent, so I'm gonna let you do it. I'm not gonna get mad. I'm not gonna feel as though I deserve something. No, I am grieved if you're disrespectful. If you're disobedient, I'm grieved because you're displeasing the Lord. I need to set the standard for what I believe the Lord wants us to do in our family, what you need to be doing in your particular situation. But if the child, if the teenager is humble, then when he hears, look, you just don't, you know, we've talked about this, we've discussed this to a point, and you just don't have the wisdom yet to understand this decision, so you just need to follow. If the teen has humility, then they'll accept that. I guarantee you this, one day you'll look back and say, man, I should have had more humility. Because all of us, isn't that right, us adults? Every one of us can look back at that and say, I should have had more humility as a teenager. The second quality is this, it's trust. If a teenager, if a parent can go into the teen years with a high level of trust with their kids, not that they're trusting the kid, but the kid is trusting the parent, and they trust their leadership, then when the parent says, look, you're just gonna have to trust, I'm gonna explain as much as I can when I can, but you really are just gonna have to trust me on this. There have been times I've just had to say that. Look, you're really just gonna have to trust me on this. Then if they will learn to trust them. See, you know, it's interesting that teenagers will often say in a situation, well, you don't trust me. The problem is you don't trust me. You know the reality is, the problem often is, teenagers, you don't trust your parents. If you're having that kind of thinking, sometimes the problem is you're not really trusting your parents. The parents that God gave you, that he provided for you. So trust and humility. If you go in the beginning stages of teen years and you have trust and humility, then you're gonna get through those teen years a lot better than otherwise. Number three, in all of this, our teen's relationship with us will also change. Teen's relationships with us are gonna change. The weight of our duty shifts and has been shifting from caretaker to trainer, advisor and mentor as they prepare to leave us. So you go from taking care of everything to training, to advising, then as they prepare to leave, you're mentoring, you're giving counsel. So not only is the team changing, but the parent has to adjust in his interactions with the team as time goes on and as they show responsibility to be able to make decisions and learn independence and those kind of things. We can more readily see the day they will not be under our discipline or our direct care. As a parent, as a team, when you're a parent, as a team, you know, your team, you begin to see, you know, one day they're not going to be in my care. One day they're going to be in college, they're going to have a job, they're going to have a spouse, they're going to have a, what kind of life, what kind of decisions are they going to make? You're aware more of what's going to happen to them. Yeah? Sure. Okay. It is 840, or 740 rather, not 840, thankfully. Teens, you are dismissed with Enrique, and Miranda should be coming along very shortly. And you guys get to talk to Enrique, and Enrique will talk with, Mr. Enrique will talk with you, and he's going to help you Think through this from a teen's perspective toward your parents. We're gonna do this again next week as well. Enrique, Laura, Willie? Good, okay. All right, so what I wanted to do at this point was I thought it would be helpful, what Enrique is gonna be doing is basically talking to all the teens about the importance of really following your parents' leadership. He's going to stand in the gap for you all, basically, and talk with them about that. And what I want to do up here with you all is just now, it's been pretty quiet for the last, for a little while, now I want to sort of, are there any questions, comments, thoughts? about what we've talked about so far. We have more to discuss next week, but I wanted to stop at this point. Any questions or thoughts about how to parent teens with regard to what we talked about? Yes? You talked about teens trusting their parents. Is there a level or a a level that the parent also has to trust the child to an extent? That's a good question. I have an answer, but I'm curious. Does anybody else have an answer for that? Stephon? Yeah. Good. Josh. It's along the same kind of lines. One thing that we've done, and I'll say, use my oldest, she had, we could trust her with much more than we can with some others. And so if we give them a little bit, and then the trust is broken, we have to bring it back, kind of start over. So here's the thing about trust, and frankly, I hate to say it this way, but parents, it's the same for parents as it is for teens. Trust is earned. And frankly, we earn it, too, from our kids. They have to respect us no matter what. They ought to biblically forgive us. But as far as trust, there's nowhere in the Bible that says, children, trust your parents. It says, obey your parents. So there is a sense in which even we have to earn, this is something I'm talking to you about without your teens here, we have to earn our kids' trust when it comes to the teenage years. And we get to the place where we want to demand our trust from them. And they ought to trust us. There's a sense of which they ought to trust us. If I'm talking to one of your teens, I'm saying, look, you gotta trust them for no other reason than God has provided your parents for you. So you trust God, and so therefore trust your parents as an authority. But there is a sense, relationally, where we do earn our trust. We do earn their trust. And that can be broken, and that can be built. The other side is true as well. For the teen, it's the same. That they earn our trust, as basically what both of you are saying. As their responsibilities are given, and as they are successful in their responsibilities, and responsible in their responsibilities, then we are able to give them more trust. And when they break responsibility, then they pull back on their trust. And I've told this story many times before, but it's been a little while. When I was a younger teen, 13 I guess, I was told I was allowed to go fishing down at Patapsco River. I was not allowed to walk on the railroad tracks to get down there. And I disobeyed. And it was way faster to hit the railroad tracks to the viaduct and then go down that way than to do all the rest of what we had to do to get down there. And I was in a rush and did it anyway. A friend of mine, actually, who was 16, I was 13, he convinced me to do it, even though I knew good and well my parents said don't. So I disobeyed, and then my conscience bothered me for like two months on that. I was so convinced the Lord was gonna come back before I had the chance to tell my parents, before I had the courage to tell my parents. And I finally told my parents. And my mother looked at me and she said, Jim, I forgive you, but I don't trust you. And I said, what? She said, I forgive you, but you've lost my trust. I trusted you outside of my sight to do the right thing, and you lost my trust. And she said to me, you can regain it, but you're going to have to earn it. Do you know, this is just me, I hated so much hearing that. I can't think of another time I ever lost my parents' trust again. Not one time throughout my teenage years. It probably prevented her saying that probably prevented a lot of heartache in my teenage years, because every time I thought about going around them or something, I thought, no, I don't want to lose that trust. And I never, I don't think I ever did again. So trust is earned on both sides. And I think we've got to understand that. And frankly, as parents, if we don't have our kids' trust, we ought to try to figure out why. and see what we can do about earning it. And the same thing with them. And I don't think it's wrong. Some of this is my opinion. I don't think it's wrong to tell your kids, look, you haven't earned my trust. I forgive you. I love you. I care about you. I want to trust you. But you haven't earned my trust. Or you haven't earned the level of trust you could earn. And I'm looking for that, something of that nature. But they also need to value your trust. So that's part of a loving relationship where they really value it. Good question. Any other questions or thoughts? Yes. My question is about respect.