love in marriage. And so, there are six points that the Bible brings out concerning marriage, which I believe are important to have a Christ-honoring marriage. The six keys are spiritual and emotional maturity, submission, love, communication, prayer, and Christ. Spiritual maturity, spiritual and emotional maturity, submission, love, communication, prayer, and Christ. Probably know the word is more misunderstood in the English language than love. Most people today do not know what love is. They often confuse physical attraction, lust, personal desire, sympathy, or compassion with love. Love is one of the most common experiences of man and one of the most difficult to define. Webster defines it as a feeling of strong personal attachment induced by sympathetic understanding or by ties of kinship, ardent affection. Now I want to turn back to Ephesians chapter 5. Ephesians chapter 5. And I want to look at verse 25. Now the theme of what I've been doing with the couples and in Sunday school this morning has been talking about a spirit-controlled life. So in Ephesians 5 and verse 25, the Bible says this. Ephesians 5 and verse 25. Husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it. Now verse 28. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Verse 33. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Now, this chapter, any way you cut it, is about two saved, spirit-controlled people. Okay? When you try to apply these principles and not be a spirit-controlled person, it's not going to work. These are two saved, spirit-controlled people here. Now, the Bible says that the love of a husband for his wife should equal his love for himself. God instructed him to love his wife sacrificially as Christ loved the church and gave himself for the church. Folks, no woman can be unhappy when given that kind of love and the husband that gives that kind of love will be the recipient of sacrificial love. Like God, love cannot be seen, but we know of its existence because of its effects. It's easier to describe love than to define it. Although many have attempted a description of love, in all the annals of literature there is none that compares with these masterful words that came from the pen of the Apostle Paul in the great love chapter. Charity, or love, suffereth long and is kind. Charity envieth not. Charity vauneth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked. Thinketh no evil. Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth. Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. You know, I have been married for 43 years. And you know, when our oldest or our youngest daughter was about to leave the house, my wife one day said to me, she says, do you know, I've been looking forward to this day. Now, my thought was, no, she's looking forward to her getting out. No, no, we love our children. She said one of the most important things that she's ever said to me. I've been looking forward to the day that it would just be you and me again, so that we can spend time together, so that we can talk more, to care about each other more. And I thought, isn't that a wonderful thing to say? and as I you know this morning she gave me a we have a beagle and his name is Jersey boy now the reason that he you know we got we live in the South now you know when we got the dog the people in the church said you know pastor the dog has to have two names because we live in the South. Everybody's got two names down here, you know, Billy Ray, Billy Bob, you know. So he came with the name Jersey and he answered to that and we add boy on there. So he's got two names. So she gave me a card this morning that had a picture of a beagle on it with a sack over his head with this out and this out and his nose sticking out and says, I love you, Dad. One of the things that I have found in having a life that is a spirit-controlled life is the love of my wife. And that's been a wonderful thing. Now, Pastor Starr, we were talking this as we were in his office, and he says to Kim and I, he says, do you guys, because of all the things that we do, all the people that we deal with, he says, do you guys ever take any time off? You know, I want you to, I want to mention this to you, that one of the things that my wife and I do after every Sunday night service, is we take a drive together. So drive time around our house is important. So we take a drive with each other after we go get something to drink, like a soft drink, and we go and we drive and we talk about the day. How did it go today? not only if I'm speaking, but if somebody else is speaking. And one of the questions that we talk to each other about, especially when I'm speaking, I will ask her, I say, well, what did God speak to you about today? What did God show you from His Word today? And I'm not asking her to pigeonhole her about it, but it's become part of our life. What did God show you today? When our daughters, when our oldest daughter got to be 16, the Lord really spoke to my heart that I personally needed to spend some time with her. And so every Sunday afternoon, and I'm busy, so every Sunday afternoon, I had to make time. So every Sunday afternoon after church, I would take my oldest daughter for a drive. And you know, it was interesting because I would ask her questions. What do you think about this? And what do you think about that? And now parents, let me give you an example here. If you do something like that and you ask your child a question, Don't stifle their communication. Don't stifle their communication by saying, well, you know better than that. Why would you even be thinking that? And you know what's going to happen the next time you ask her a question? So let me give you something that I think is very helpful with this. And you know, I learned a lot of things. I learned a lot of what she was thinking about. And we would drive around, and we would talk, and I'd ask her a question. I'd say, what do you think about this? And she'd say, well, Dad, I think about this. I think this. And I'd say, and maybe it wasn't what I was thinking about. And I would say to her, I'd say, you know, I tell you what, rather than just jump down her throat and say, you shouldn't be thinking that way, I'd say, let's see what God thinks about it. And so I would ask her to look up passages of scripture on that and come back the next week and tell me what God thinks about it. You know, it was very interesting. Jenny, you know what she'd say to me? God, I didn't realize that God thought that on that. So her thinking started to change from this spot to God's thinking. Now I could have stifled her communication. I could have said to her, no way, no how. You should be doing that. Quit now. Stop. Or you shouldn't be thinking that. You know, every person in their life has to come and bring their thinking into the thoughts of God. And so what a great opportunity for me to teach her in love what God is saying. So, a couple years go by. Actually, there was four years difference, but a couple years go by. and the youngest daughter's time to go with dad. And the first Sunday she comes out there with her Bible in the notebook and she comes running out to the car and she jumps in the car and I said, told her, I said, Jen do you have any questions? Dad I got a lot of them. She's been writing them down. Do you know something, nobody can ever take that away from me, that time. Because there will be a day, and some of you have already experienced it, that the children are no longer in the home. And you've got to look at one another and say... And many times, what happens when the children leave the home is the parents don't even know each other anymore. So we make it very important for ourselves to spend time together after Sunday night so that we can actually communicate and talk about things. And many times I will tell her, I love you. I'm thankful for you. I appreciate you. So that she will never not believe that I don't love her. The Bible says that the love of a husband for his wife should equal that love for himself. There are nine characteristics of love found in 1st Corinthians 13. Patience, kindness, generosity, humility, courtesy, unselfishness, good temper, guilelessness, lack of deceit, and sincerity. These nine characteristics of love that are found here are extremely important to make part of my life. And keep those characteristics in mind and examine your love today to see if it meets God's standard of acceptable expression. These nine characteristics or expressions of love communicate the love of one human being with another in terms that are meaningful to everyone regardless of race or background. No one will naturally express His love in all of these characteristics. Some people are patient and kind by nature but lack humility or generosity or confidence. Others are naturally sincere and courteous but lack a good temper and are prone to impatience. All Christian men and women need the power of the Holy Spirit to supply the kind of love God expects us to extend to our partner. The Holy Spirit gives the Christian the ability to express complete love. Turn back to Galatians chapter 5 and look at verse 22. I want to say that again. All Christian men and women need the power of the Holy Spirit to supply the kind of love that God expects to extend to our partner. The Holy Spirit gives the Christian the ability to express complete love. In Galatians chapter 5 and verse 22, the Bible says this, But the fruit of the Spirit is love. Joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance against such, there is no law. The love that God requires of a husband for his wife and the wife for her husband is a supernatural love supplied by the Spirit of God. Self-preservation is the first law of life. Therefore, to love someone else as your own body demands a supernatural kind of love. It's just not possible for man to love this way of his own accord. In 1 John, I want you to turn back there with me now. And 1 John chapter 4. Now, one of the things that we do, is when someone gets saved at our church, we're big, heavy disciplers. So we start with our how to have a daily time with God, how to have a real relationship with God, and we ask the person to read through the book of 1 John every day for 30 days. Why do I do that? Because 33 times in the book of 1 John God lets me know that He loves me. 33 times! And so we want the person to get a good grasp of what love means and that they can understand that the Lord Jesus Christ came and died upon Calvary's cross because He loved me. And if it had just been me, He would have came, that He loves me. Now, sometimes you think about that and you wonder, why? You know, you think about me. But He loves me. He gave Himself for me. And so, also, the teaching of fellowship is in 1 John. It takes us across the threshold into the Father's home and teaches us how to have real, intimate fellowship with God. And so, by the time they get done that first 30 days, and we're guiding them, they know something about what God has to say about love. Something. Now, I read through, as a young Christian, 1 John so many times that I can give it almost verbatim. I didn't seek to memorize it, I just read it so many times that I can give it almost verbatim. 1 John 4 says this, Beloved, did you get the word? You see the word? Beloved, let us love one another. for love is of God. And everyone that loveth is born of God and knoweth God." The love that God requires of a husband for his wife and a wife for her husband is a supernatural love. And God never commands us to do that, which He doesn't enable us to do. And we can call upon Him, the author of love, and know that He will supply us with that kind of supernatural love. Now ladies, do you know that you're required by God to teach your daughters about this? Required by God. To teach your daughters about this. The author of love, turn back to Titus now. I know we're getting an exercise in Bible turning. Titus chapter 2 and verse 4. But if you start with verse 3, it says, that the aged women, watch now, the aged women likewise, that they be in, what's that word? Behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things. Now watch. So what's the first thing they need to teach? that they may teach the young women to be sober, that means to be serious, to love their husbands, to love their children. How are you going to love your husband or love your children if you do not or are not controlled by the Holy Spirit so you can have the supernatural love that God requires. It's not going to happen. And so consequently, the blind leads the blind, everybody falls into the ditch, and people go through their life, you know, Not experiencing the kind of love that God wants us to experience. A supernatural love. A selfless love. One that's controlled by the Holy Spirit. One that helps us to be able to communicate properly to each other. One that helps us to understand the needs of each other. My wife and I got saved. We got saved. We'd been saved about a year. God had called me to preach. And I told the San Francisco Giants that I'm no longer going to play ball. Well, my reasoning behind that was that they play ball on Sunday. And Sunday is the Lord's Day. and I'm to be in the Lord's house on Sunday. And so I realized that that was my Christian life and my professional life were at odds with each other. So I wrote them and I told them, I said, you know, I'm not going to come back and play because I got saved. They thought I was trying to renegotiate my contract. And we had letters that went back and forth, and I kept saying, you don't understand, I got saved. I'm not playing anymore. Now, I threw a baseball 95 miles an hour. Now, whatever realm you're in, that's bringing it. I mean, that's playing good old country hardball. So it wasn't that I couldn't play, it was I decided not to play because I knew it was an idol of my heart. And it was no longer something that I could do. And so my wife and I went off to Bible college. My father-in-law told me I was nuts. You gave up your house on the lake, your motorcycle, your boat, your sports car, all of this stuff to take my daughter down to live in a two-bedroom apartment at some Bible college? Yes. He was a materialistic guy. My wife was pregnant when we went. She had a very difficult time in delivery. The doctor came out. Dr. Clemens was a Christian. We lived in Chattanooga, went to Tennessee Temple for my undergrad work. The doctor comes out and says, son, he's crying. Now when the doctor comes out crying, you know you've got a problem. And my daughter was the last child that was going to be delivered by him in Chattanooga. He was ending his practice and he had delivered hundreds and hundreds of babies. He comes out. It's four o'clock in the morning. I've been up for two days. And he looks at me and he says, Son, we've got a problem. I said, I'm just going to be straight forward with you. He said, I give you, if it continues as we are, I give your wife less than 50 percent and the baby no chance in the world. I said, what? It was like a surreal moment. I said, what did you say? And I asked him to repeat it for me. And he did. And then he said, I suggest, I want you to go back and talk to your wife. Talk to her. And then he said, I suggest if you know how to get in touch with God that you do. I'm like, really? So, you know, I went back, talked with Kim, prayed with her, got over in a room in the Baroness Erlanger Hospital of Chattanooga, Tennessee, by myself at four o'clock in the morning, got down on my knees, and I said, God, I don't even know what to say here. I don't know much about much anyway, and we've given up everything we ever had to come here to Serbia, and I don't understand. I need your help." And you know, I made God a promise. I said, if you will allow this, and there was a lot of things that went on there, and I said, if you will allow this baby to be born and him to be okay, I will do everything in my power to raise this child for God. Everything. Anything. God answered my prayer. And unbeknownst to me, that was when For the Love of the Family began. And because, you know, I told Kim the promise I'd made to God. The baby was born healthy. And Kim, she had some real difficulties. And it was several weeks before she could come back to church. And, you know, I thought, I don't know nothing about raising children. I'm going to have to learn. And I would get, I would come in, when I'd get an opportunity, I'd come in at night and I would get down beside the bassinet and thank God for the child, but ask him for his help. I need your help." So Kim and I have studied every passage of scripture in the Bible that even remotely deals with the home children in marriage. And she agreed and we've studied it together. And Dr. Robertson, Lee Robertson, maybe you've heard that name. Dr. Robertson, we came forward in the service and after Kim was able to come back to church and I told Dr. Robertson that I'm, you know, and he came down off the platform and he doesn't normally do that, didn't normally do that. He came down off the platform in front of thousands of people. I said, I'm here today to dedicate my child to God. Dr. Robertson looked at me. He knew what had gone on and he looked at me and he said, look me square in the face. He said, I'm going to pray for you today that you will be the husband and the father that God wants you to be because whatever is going to happen in this child's life is what's going to happen in your life. And he put his hands on my shoulders that day and he prayed for me that prayer. I am so ever thankful for the man of God's prayer. and it set me on a path to figure it out. And I was not going to be detoured. I was going to learn what love meant. I was going to learn what it meant to really biblically raise a child to walk with God. God never commands us to do that which He will not enable us to do. And we can call upon Him, the author of love, and know that He'll supply us with that kind of supernatural love. This is, you know, this is the only time in Titus 2-4, this is the only time the wife is commanded to love her husband in the Bible. And the husband is commanded at least three times to love his wife in Ephesians 5, 28 and 33. And the reason is probably that women by nature have a greater capacity for love. The real key to successful marriage is two spirit-controlled people. And many people try to apply biblical principles that are not spirit-controlled. And that just does not happen. And that's something that we need to remember. A good marriage is worked at. It doesn't just happen. takes work. So I want to give you four things to remember about love this morning. Number one, love is kind. Love is kind. Now I ask you ladies this morning, did you love him when you married him? And almost all of you are going to say, well, maybe. No, you're going to say yes. But the first thing that wives say to me in counseling is, I don't love him anymore. And the reason why is because neither one have been spirit controlled. And so, consequently, they don't have the capacity to love as God has commanded us to love. And so, therefore, the failure is huge and love is not being expressed in the biblical way that God wants it to be expressed. Love. Love is what? Kind. I had a guy come for counseling. And I have a thing that's a hundred things to show kindness to your wife. And so I said to him, what I want you to do is I want you to do five of these things this week for your wife. And he came back the next week. Boy, he just looked like he has wore out. And he says to me, he's distressed. He said, Pastor, he says, I just don't think that I can continue counseling. And I said, well, why? And he said, well, I only got to 67. I said, 67? He said, yeah. He says, I couldn't make it to 100. And I said, well, I only asked you to do five. And I looked over at his wife and I said, well, how did your week go? And she says, well, you know. He was all for it. He's wanting to quit. One of the primary characteristics of love is kindness. Somehow many of those having trouble in marriage have forgotten to show kindness to their mate. They want to receive it but they forget to give it. First Corinthians 13.4 tells us love is kind. Ephesians 4.32 tells us that we're to be kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as Christ forgave us. So love is kind. Secondly, love shows approval. Most people would agree that the basic needs of man are love and approval. The more we love someone, the more we naturally seek his or her approval. And for that reason, if a person does not express his love by showing approval occasionally, he'll have a dissatisfied mate. Folks, disapproval is more of a vicious way of inflicting punishment upon another human being than physical abuse. The sad part is the thing people disapprove of in their partner is usually blown out of proportion, making the problem greater than it is. And it's good to ask yourself, do I express approval of my partner? Most people respond better to communication than condemnation. Turn back to Proverbs chapter 12. Proverbs chapter 12 and look at verse 25. is a timeless principle of God here. Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop, but a good word maketh it glad. One of the things I want to do in our church Now, you know, I'm not a compromiser, and I'm not a, you know, I believe in separation, and we're separatists, you know, in doctrine, ecclesiastical and personal. But, you know, my brother, you did a great job leading the choir today. That was good singing. So every time somebody at our church does something good, I want to make sure that I let them know that they did good. I have a young man in my church. His name is Nathan. Nathan is a master carpenter. And he does tremendous work. Servants heart. I call him. He's there. So one time in a message, I said, Nathan, have I ever thanked you for what you've done? And he said, you thanked me every time. He said, you've never one time not thanked me. So what about your wife, guys? Are you thankful for her? Can you find something to show approval about? I mean surely she does something good, right? And you know the more things that you look for that she does good and the more you tell her that she does good, isn't that neat? He's really watching what I'm doing. So guess what? she's going to start doing more for you. Because you tell her that she does good. Love is what? Kind and love shows what? Approval. So, you know, and with children the same way? Well, Tom, that was really good what you did there. Thank you for doing that. Thank you for taking out the trash today. I appreciate it. You did good. Instead of, Tom, you idiot, get over here. Take out that trash, boy. And his thought is, I'm going to take the trash right out. And as soon as I get a chance, I'm out of here. So I have to be a spirit-controlled person so I can show kindness and so I can show approval. And thirdly, love can be rekindled. Generally speaking, when people come for marriage counseling, the woman many times will say, I don't love him anymore. Sometimes the man will say that as well, but I always take the couple to the area of when they first got married and I ask, did you love him or her then? And generally the answer is yes. And I then take them to the Bible and mention that God commands us to be spirit controlled and then I take them to the passage that tells us we're to love our husband and our wife. And God has commanded you and me to love our partners with a supernatural love. If you find your love beginning to wane, then go to your heavenly Father, the author of love, and He'll give you a new love for your partner. You know what? I believe this. I believe that if you really are looking at him or looking at her and saying, you know, Lord, any sin that stands between you and me, I haven't loved my partner as I should. I want you to put a new love in my heart for my partner and then start being kind. Looking for ways to be kind. Looking for ways to show approval. My wife's a good cook. You can tell that. But you know what? I tell her when she does good cooking. I tell her when she does a lot of good things. And she does do a lot of good things. She's one of the best counselors I've ever seen. We do a lot of counseling together. And every now and then we're dealing with a couple and she'll say something and I'm thinking, That was really good thought. And later I'll tell her that. That was a very, very important thought that you brought up. That was good. Now, while you're praying about it, and saying, Lord, I want you to put a real love in my heart for my partner. And while you're praying about it, start being as nice and kind as you can be to your partner. And learning how to communicate properly is the first step in rekindling love. Got an article up on the website. It's called Communication and Marriage. Yelling, screaming, and saying mean and inappropriate things will not help you rekindle love. It'll only build a higher wall with emotions that say, I don't love him or her. And remember, immature people and non-spirit controlled people want to receive kindness, but they don't want to give it. And ask God to help you be kind and give out kindness. Fourthly, women respond to love. It never ceases to amaze me, the endurance of a woman's love. You know, women have told me things about their husbands that could earn them the title of the ugliest and meanest thing you ever saw. But they end up by saying, but I still love him. It must be a carryover of a mother's love, which we tend to think of as the greatest illustration of human love. Whatever the cause, I'm convinced that a woman has a far greater capacity to love a man than a man has to love a woman, and I have yet to see a woman who will not respond to real biblical love. Now folks, no man in his right mind would present himself as an authority on women. Most of us say they're complex creatures, and they are. And like other men, I don't claim to be an authority on feminine matters. But I have come to one basic conclusion. Many Christian men don't know how to make a woman happy. Men, it's not money, it's not diamonds or furs or houses or other things that make a woman happy, but just plain love. Being kind. Showing approval. Not lovemaking, but the treatment that produces lovemaking, kindness, thoughtfulness, understanding, acceptance, or approval, and the recognition on the part of the husband that he's just not complete without her. Happy is the wife whose husband knows and tells her that if given the chance to marry all over again, he would choose the same bride. Whenever a man tells me my wife doesn't love me anymore, I immediately know that he's a man who's not loved his wife as his own body. And if he had, she'd return his love, which is just the nature of women. I'm going to give you some things to practice with and then we're going to be done. Because I'm a practice person. Compliment and praise each other. Anyone can criticize, but very few people compliment. Praise is a powerful magnet. Secondly, spend time alone together. Many couples don't spend enough or hardly any time alone. The amount of time together is not so important as the quality of the time together. And you can communicate better, understand each other better when you're alone. Not when you're sitting down. You know, people go, well, we watched this movie together. When did you talk? Go get the popcorn. Folks, time alone is not sitting in front of a TV. Turn it off. Take a walk together. Go sit in the porch swing. Drive down to the park. Get out and walk around together. And remember, Remember each other with gifts. You know, little gifts is the thought. My wife likes rocks. My wife has always liked rocks ever since she's a little girl. We had a lapidary in our town, one of the towns that we pastored in. You know what a lapidary is? It's where they cut and polish rocks. So, I decided I wanted to get Kim a nice polished rock. I thought it'd be an inexpensive gift. I asked the man, where are the most inexpensive ones? And he showed me the ones starting at $150. And I thought, $150 for a rock? I'll go down to the creek, man. Then he showed me the holders, which were $20. My, this inexpensive gift is now starting to really cost me money. Finally, he dug around and found a real cheap one for 110. Remember, it's the thought that counts. When I got home, I had it wrapped up, you know. I took it in. I gave it to Kim and she says, what did you get me? I said, oh, just take a look. She gets it out. She opens it up. Man, alive. She's taking it around the house, put it in different spots, see how it looks. Oh, it's so pretty. I love it. She was thrilled it took her at least 10 minutes to figure out where the new rock would go. Never take your husband or wife for granted. Fourthly, be courteous to each other. Number five, be quick to assume the blame for actions. Sixth, concentrate on being the right partner rather than changing your partner. Concentrate on being the right partner rather than changing your partner. Be generous, number seven, with your outward affection. More than anything else, your mate needs your affection. And if you do not show affection, someone else likely may do so. Number eight, share little things with each other. Poems, stories, scripture, happenings, share these and more. and when I encourage each other. You know, one of the things I pray about every day, in my relationship with God, as I've developed it and continue to develop it, who do you want me to encourage today, Lord? And you know, every time I ask that question, God always brings somebody up. Because people need what? encouragement. And number 10, pray for each other and with each other. Prayer changes your mate. It also changes you. It's hard to hold grudges against the one you're praying for and with. And prayer is your greatest resource, so use it. A good marriage is something that is worked at. It just doesn't happen. It takes a spirit-filled man to be the leader of his home and a spirit-filled woman to respond to a spirit-filled man. And the fruit of the spirit is love. And one of the keys of a successful marriage is true biblical love. And, you know, I say this in writing. I say if you're reading this and you do not understand what it means to be a spirit-filled person, you know, we got material for you. It'll help you. Love. Love and marriage. It's one of the keys. Can you truly say this morning that I now have a better understanding about love and I'm going to make an effort and the first place to start is of course dealing with sin in your life, but start by being kind. think about and ask God to show you a way you can be kind. You say, what happens if I'm kind to him and he tells me to shut up? Turn him over to God and still be kind. And keep turning him over to God and still be kind. And pretty soon, guess what? You're no longer emotionally in that wagon, and God's going to deal with his heart. Believe me. The Bible teaches it.