The following sermon was delivered at a dating and courting seminar which was held at the Trinity Baptist Church in Montville, New Jersey in September of 1999. The preacher is Pastor Mitch Lush from the Grace Covenant Baptist Church in Westchester, Pennsylvania. This is the seventh and final sermon in the series and is entitled, Maintaining Sexual Purity. Well, let's imagine that the Lord blesses. You have analyzed, and there he is, a genuine believer. There you are together as doctrinal allies. There there is something of the competent relator. There is something as well of that legitimate charm that is found. She exemplifies the traits of wisdom. He's the chief, understood in the sense of the last hour. You can then pray to God and thank Him for guiding and directing, and that's the end of the story. You're home free. Well, not exactly. Here's a young couple that in a sense will face even greater temptation because of everything that they have in common. They have this shared life together. They think the same on this and that. And there is going to be the temptation for them to be involved prematurely physically. Now, as we come to our final session, I want us to begin by considering Roman numeral number one, the divine design in marital physical intimacy, the divine design. First of all, a marital physical intimacy is rooted in God's design. We know this, we remind ourselves of this. Genesis 1, 26 and 27, God made them in His image, male and female. Sex is from God and not from the devil. Physical intimacy of a husband and wife is pleasing to God. Genesis 2 verse 23. This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Marital physical intimacy is honoring to God. It is following out the plan that God has laid out. Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled, but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. Marital physical intimacy is God's design. But secondly, B, marital physical intimacy is inseparable from marriage. Where you have them join together as one flesh, you have them first of all leaving father and mother, joining to the wife, and then the becoming of one flesh. Wherever there is the bed, it is to be within the house of marriage. And as long as the bed is within the house of marriage, it's beautiful and in accord with God's design. But wherever you have the bed outside of the house of marriage, it is sin, and you are in danger of damnation. Oh, it's okay now, because we're in love. We're engaged. Well, ask yourself the question. Is there a new authority? Have you left father and mother? Is there a binding commitment in your adjoining yourself to your spouse? Is there a total integration of life? And if those things are not there, then it is inappropriate. It's outside of God's house of marriage. Ephesians 5 and verse 28 tells us of something of this close union that is there. The man who loves himself, loves his wife, even as he loves himself, he loves her as the extension of himself. That's the kind of unity that is there. If we consider first Corinthians chapter seven and something of the earthy perspective of the Apostle Paul, nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, even though there's been the word, yes, it's good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer, and come again together, so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Paul is talking here in very earthy language, saying that the wife doesn't have control over her own body, and he talks in the way that he does because he views there to be something of a mutual ownership that's going on. The wife's body is owned by the husband. The husband's body is owned by the wife. And having looked at something of these passages that show that physical intimacy is inseparable from marriage. Notice with me these key lessons. If you separate sex from marriage, you have sin. There's really no other way around it. You can talk about all of the feelings and all of the love that you have, but there is a house of marriage. The bed in there is beautiful. Take the bed out of the house of marriage, and it is damning. 1 Corinthians 6. The book of Proverbs is full of it. Physical intimacy is designed to take place in a context of love and commitment. If the bed is in the house, part of the house that surrounds the bed is love, and a committed love. One writing in a book talking of avoiding all of the dangers of our culture of the false intimacy says that part of the way that we can prepare our children for long-term meaningful relationship of husband and wife is that we communicate with our children. We help them now to have meaningful relationships with dad and mom and their friends, We do not feel at all inhibited to come and put our arm around our son, around our daughter, where dads get their sons hugs. There is the expression of the physical intimacy so that we are preparing them for something of a meaningful relationship later on. But let us remind ourselves, as we consider here these key lessons further, that only in the bond of marriage can you possess your mate. She belongs to me. He belongs to me. That can only be said of the married couple. Physical intimacy is only appropriate with the one that you own. Joshua Harris, once again. And let me say at the outset that I'm a little nervous here with all the notes that I've gotten. I'm afraid I'm going to pick up the wrong book and all that. Let me tell you, I'm afraid of picking up the wrong book, so I won't be as afraid to pick up the wrong book. A husband and wife may enjoy each other's bodies because they, in essence, belong to each other. But if you're not married to someone, you have no claim on that person's body, no right to sexual intimacy. Maybe you agree with this plan, with this, and plan to save sex for marriage. But in your opinion, you view making out activities such as kissing, necking, and fondling as no big deal. But we need to ask ourselves a serious question. If another person's body doesn't belong to us, that is, we're not married, what right do we have to treat the people we date any differently than a married person would treat someone who wasn't his or her spouse? But, you might say, that's completely different. Is it really? Our culture has programmed us to think that singleness grants us the license to fool around, to try people out emotionally and sexually. Since we're not married to anyone in particular, we can do what we want with anyone in general. As we think of God's house, as we think of the bed, of the physical intimacy placed within God's house there of marriage. Consider with me again, young people, that it is a lie of Hollywood that the screenplayers have the most satisfying sex. The most satisfying physical intimacy belongs to those who value the physical relationship enough to wait for it. It belongs to those who have climbed the mountain peak of life together and have arrived there at the top after all of the labor of getting to the top. The mountaintop experience is much more meaningful to those who have climbed up to the top, taking weeks to get there, as opposed to those who have come in on a helicopter and been dropped off at the top. The most meaningful relationship belongs to those who experience no guilt as they come to physical intimacy. It belongs to those who enduringly love one another from the depth of their being. It is as fundamental as the difference between pretense and reality. The pretense of Hollywood and the reality of the Bible. Well, we have looked at how marital physical intimacy is rooted in God's design. It is inseparable from marriage. Thirdly, see under Roman number one, marital physical intimacy is intended to bring pleasure. Proverbs 5 and verse 15, there is that advice in the context of avoiding that harlot, that wicked woman, Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your fountains be dispersed abroad in streams of water in your streets, let them be yours only, not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth as a loving dear and as a graceful doe. Let her breast satisfy you at all times and always be enraptured with her love. Always be intoxicated with her love. Now some of you are probably a little uncomfortable with me reading this passage even in this setting. Where would you be if I read from Psalm Solomon and certain of those sections? We'd have to call you out from underneath the pews. I will not read from that. But let us honestly embrace the earthiness of God's Word. Be intoxicated with Him. Be drunk with the exhilaration of the love of a man for his wife. We are not Roman Catholics. We do not view the physical intimacy as merely for procreation. No, it is pleasurable. It is pleasurable as the most intimate expression of love and commitment. Let us consider the common cultural corruption in extramarital physical intimacy. We have noted already here something of the dignified design and now the common cultural corruption in extramarital physical intimacy. First of all, A, an historic catalog of corruption. The larger catechism asks, which is the seventh commandment? The seventh commandment is, thou shalt not commit adultery. Question 138, what are the duties required in the seventh commandment? The duties required in the seventh commandment are chastity in body, mind, affections, words, behavior, the preservation of it in ourselves and others, watchfulness over the eyes and all the senses, temperance, keeping of chaste company, modesty in apparel, marriage by those who do not have the gift of continency, conjugal love, cohabitation, diligent labor in our callings, shunning of all occasions of uncleanness, and resisting temptations thereunto. Amen? Question 139. We're looking at a historic, one historic catalog of corruption. What are the sins forbidden in the seventh commandment? The sins forbidden in the seventh commandment besides the neglect of the duties required are adultery, fornication, rape, incest, sodomy, all unnatural lusts, all unclean imaginations, thoughts, purposes, and affections, all corrupt or filthy communications or listening thereunto, wanton looks, impudent or light behavior, immodest apparel, prohibiting of and resorting to them, I'm sorry, prohibiting of lawful and dispensing with unlawful marriages, The entangling vows of single life, undue delay of marriage, having more wives or husbands than one at a time, idleness, gluttony, drunkenness, unchaste company, lascivious songs, that is, songs that stir up impurity, books, pictures, dancing, stage plays, and all other provocations too, or acts of uncleanness either in ourselves or others. There's an historic catalog of corruption. But secondly, B, let's build upon this. Let's consider six negative consequences of premarital physical intimacy. This is drawn almost in its entirety from the Reinhart's book, Choices. Six negative consequences of premarital physical intimacy. First of all, Premarital physical intimacy prevents other aspects of the relationship from developing. It prevents other aspects of the relationship from developing. Joshua Harris commenting on this point. Holding off on the physical side of the relationship, though difficult, will enable you to focus on the soul of your spouse-to-be. A couple once told me that their motto was, where physical progression begins, depth progression ends. I trust that rings true. In other words, as soon as they began to focus on the physical side of their relationship, the spiritual and emotional sides ceased to deepen. Make a commitment to God, parents, Christian mentors, friends and your partner, to let your passion sleep, storing up your desire for the marriage bed. It will awaken with joy at the proper time. We're looking at six negative consequences. The first, physical intimacy prevents other aspects of the relationship from developing. Secondly, premarital physical intimacy injects fear and guilt into the relationship. Thirdly, premarital physical intimacy lays a foundation of distrust and lack of respect. He told me that he loved me, and then he did that. How can I trust him? How can I respect him? Fourthly, premarital physical intimacy leads to a comparison on the basis of physical performance. And for this one, I quote from the Reinharts. One young husband admitted that his relationship with his new wife wasn't what he had hoped it would be. It's really my fault, he admitted. Before we were married, I slept with a number of the girls I dated. Now whenever I kiss my wife or we make love, my memory reminds me that this girl could kiss better than my wife, that girl was better at something else, and so forth. I can't concentrate on loving my wife with all that I am. There have been too many other women in my life to be completely committed to one. And I feel unclean reading that to you, and I wish I could tell you I know nothing in counseling experience that relates to this, but unfortunately, that is not the case. Premarital physical intimacy, fifthly, increases the likelihood of later marital infidelity. When someone has gone down the water slide, it's difficult the next time they're standing at the top of the water slide. There's a pressure, not only from themselves, but from the circumstances that are pushing along. And so I urge you, young person, get committed to holy principle now and plead with God that it will stay with you for your days. Sixthly, Premarital physical intimacy deceives the parties into thinking that they're truly in love. Well, now we've gone and done this, we'd better be in love. We must be in love. But they're really distracted from the greater issues of the relationship. Remember that first point. It prevents other aspects of the relationship from developing. There's guilt that is infused into the relationship, and you can't function properly where there's guilt. Thirdly, the practice. The practice of preserving purity for marriage. Consider with me, first of all, the necessity of guidelines. The necessity of guidelines. The relevant scriptures, first of all, Romans 12 and verse 1, your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. Making no provision for the flesh to fulfill its lust, Romans 13, 14. The text just read in your hearing, 1 Thessalonians 4 and verse 1, I'll pick it up at verse three, for this is the will of God, your sanctification. Well, what does that pertain to? That you should abstain from sexual immorality and all its forms. That each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God. There needs to be guidelines. Especially when you think of the Lord Jesus, where does He draw the line? He says, when a man has looked unto the woman he has committed and lusted, he has committed adultery in his mind and in his heart. The Lord draws the line even in the realm of the mental. And having looked at these relevant scriptures, consider these relevant lessons. It is good for you to have the encouragement and the counsel of your Christian friends and parents and extended church family to keep yourself for your life mate. Don't have this notion that you don't belong to anyone and therefore you can do anything you want. There is a sense in which you do belong to someone, you don't know who that is yet. But don't stain yourself. before you meet him or her. Elizabeth Elliott's writing here on this issue of purity. If there is one reason why sex becomes dull and bore, it is because it is commonplace. It is available anywhere, everywhere, to everybody who is looking for it. Nothing is kept in reserve. No pleasures are saved for the wedding night, let alone for the bride and bridegroom exclusively. Friends who run a honeymoon resort in the Poconos have told me that they must announce new activities and recreation at every meal. Quote, their friends say, we don't want them to get bored and leave. You see, they've had it all before their honeymoon. What a tragic commentary on the state of our society. It is good to have the encouragement of others to help you keep yourself for your life made. But secondly, by way of relevant lessons, you must recognize the natural progression of physical involvement. And Pastor Merrick on page 44 gives something of a chart where there's the holding of hands. where it progresses then on to padding and then eventually to the ultimate physical act. Then the Reinhardts, as they comment on this whole matter of the physical progression, tell us, remember that we are each wired in such a way as to know intuitively that physical intimacy should lead to intercourse. Physical intimacy is meant to lead to intercourse. Starting and stopping is not what our sexual computers are programmed for. And similarly, God did not design us to continually engage in physical intimacy that leaves us unsatisfied. Some call this the domino theory of love. With each contact, your desire accelerates, but the thrill of that particular activity decreases. So if you really enjoyed kissing last time, you're going to want more than that next time. Josh Harris. Maybe you think I'm taking this idea too far. Maybe you're saying you've got to be joking. One little kiss won't have me hurtling toward certain sin. Let me encourage you to give this idea a little bit more thought. For just a moment, consider the possibility that even the most innocent form of sexual expression outside of marriage could be dangerous. Let me explain why I believe this. Physical interaction encourages us to start something we're not supposed to finish. Awakening desires we're not allowed to consummate. Turning on passions we have to turn off. What foolishness! The Bible tells us that the path of sin, particularly in regard to the wrong use of our sexuality, is like a highway to the grave. We shouldn't get on it, then try to stop before we arrive at the destination. God tells us to stay off of the highway altogether. It's good to have the encouragement of others to keep yourself. Secondly, by way of relevant lessons, you must recognize the natural progression of physical involvement. Thirdly, by way of relevant lessons, you must establish plain principles that will guide you in the most powerful emotions. Once again, the Reinhards. When we ask singles, how are you able to live chastely with the opposite sex in a culture like ours? Over and over, the response that we get is this. I have to know my own limits, and I have to talk about that openly. They agreed that it helps if both the guy and the girl are gatekeepers. They both have a responsibility to draw the line. Sometimes they followed suggestions others had handed down to them, like, don't be out after midnight, stay vertical, don't get horizontal, keep your feet on the floor, and so on. But the common element was always that of knowing and communicating your limits. Some of the ways they did that were rather creative. Quote, I know myself, and this is the limit that I've set for my own sanity, for another. I find you really attractive, so is it OK if I don't kiss you? I'd really like to get to know you better. Putting something about your limits into words seems to be important for a number of reasons. First, it gets the hidden out into the open and makes it seem more real. And then putting your words to your limits keeps the other person from thinking that they're some sort of hideous beast. It takes the pressure off. So what they're suggesting is they suggest in another context, is that you know what your limits are. Everybody's got to draw the line someplace. And with the present light and understanding that I have, I feel most comfortable in telling young people, here are the general principles. All right, now you're in this position. Talk about where you're going to draw the lines. Have your limits laid out. And especially as you come into the engagement, you put it down on paper. Hand it to your pastor. Hand it to your parents. Whoever it is that's going to be accountable, they're your guidelines, and you're simply asking me to hold you accountable to what you have assessed before God. Now, who can argue with that? Settle out something this important in your best of moments spiritually, not in the heat of emotion. Once again, Elizabeth Elliot. I'm hiding behind all of these quotes in this final session, but I trust you'll find profit in hearing the spectrum of voices. At a singles conference in the Northwest last month, I was handed a blue slip of paper that said, how do you tell a guy, gal, no? How do you keep a safe distance? I smiled inside of how simple the answer is. You can do it in two ways. The English language and body language. You say no and you move away. It's really not that complex. Fourthly, by way of relevant lesson, not only establishing the plain principles that will guide you, but where lost purity is grieved before the Lord. Remember, there is forgiveness. but the scars will remain. The Lord's Supper is instituted as a regular ordinance in Christ's Church. It's where believers and sinners come and own their sin of it and look away to the Lord Jesus Christ. Psalm 130 and verse 4, there is forgiveness with you that you may be feared. But when there is that lost purity, at whatever degree, there ought to be a greater diligence to avoid further defilement. Well, we have seen, A, under Roman numeral three, the necessity of guidelines. Your body is to be a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God. But now, secondly, B, seven suggestions for your guidelines to maintain purity. Seven suggestions for your guidelines. Not my guidelines, yours. But I'll give you some suggestions. First of all, in the dating relationship, God is blessed. Here's a young guy. Here's a young gal. They have much in common, much of shared perspectives. Number one suggestion. Establish holy habits of prayer and reading. What are they going to be? I don't know. The beginning of the date, going to read a passage of scripture. There's a guy I'm going to share. This is something that I was just reading in my devotions over the course of the last week. Let's pray that God will bless the time that we have together. Not to be a holy check. And especially if a young couple said, we're going to close every date with prayer. It would be hard to be consistent with that principle and go off into sin. Establish holy habits. Secondly, Establish an explicit relationship of effective accountability. I suggest to you again, that which comes to us from Reinhardt, draw out where you draw the lines. Get your principles. Put them down on paper. And be willing to hand them to someone who is going to give you real accountability. Don't write them out and then say, well, I'm going to give them to Mrs. Such-and-such, because I know she's a softie. And I know she'll never ask me. No. You write these things out and you give them to your pastor, you give them to your parents, you give them to an older Christian who you know will graciously but effectively hold you accountable. Thirdly, by way of suggestions for maintaining purity, avoid impure thoughts. Matthew 5, we've heard the testimony of our Lord, that adultery that has been committed in the heart. James 1 and verse 14, But each one, when he is tempted, is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is full grown, brings forth death. Avoid impure thoughts. Finally, keep an eye on your influences. Who and what you listen to, read, and watch will either encourage or conflict with your commitment to pursue God's best in relationships. I remember talking to a girl at my church who commented how dissatisfied she felt after watching romantic movies. It makes me wonder, why doesn't this happen to me, she said. Well, there's an obvious point to that. Does anything in your life cause that kind of discontentment? If so, then maybe you need to consider cutting out something. Maybe you need to stop reading romance novels and stop watching soap operas because they encourage ungodly longings within you. Perhaps you need to turn off the radio because much of today's music exalts a false definition of love. You might need to tune out some of your favorite TV shows because they mock your beliefs about purity. Whatever even tempts you toward discontent or compromise, don't put up with it. Tune it out, turn it off. You may find a similar principle applies to spending too much time with friends who are obsessed with the dating scene. I'm not saying that you should dump your friends because they encourage you to dwell on dating, but I do think you should be aware of how your friends affect your thoughts. Avoid impure thoughts. Fourthly, of the seven suggestions, the fourth, Avoid stirring and exciting another's emotions. Biblically, that is, do not defraud one another. Again, from our young author. How do we do this? How do we avoid stirring and exciting another's emotions? How do we do this? First, we must realize that girls don't struggle with the same temptations we struggle with, talking as a guy. We, guys, wrestle more with our sex drives while girls struggle more with their emotions. We can help guard their hearts by being sincere and honest in our communication. We need to swear off flirtatiousness and refuse to play games and lead them on. We have to go out of our way to make sure nothing we say or do stirs up inappropriate feelings or expectations further. Commenting on the example of another. What an example of brotherly love. I want to weep when I think of the many times I have neglected the responsibility to guard a girl's heart. And here he's talking the whole issue of friendships. Friendships that are forged on the base of, I am your brother, you are my sister in Christ. I have neglected my responsibility to guard girls' hearts. Instead of playing the role of the warrior, I played the thief, stealing their focus from God for myself. I am determined to do better. I want to be the kind of friend whom girls' future husbands could dare say, thank you for standing watch over my wife's heart. Thank you for guarding her purity. And he's just led into this section by talking to this fellow, Matt. There's a young lady that they kind of had a little bit of interest. The young lady was new to Christianity, and Matt felt that, on the one hand, that he could move in very quickly and deal with her and get her as a date. But he recognized where she was as a young Christian, where she was in the spectrum of her responsibilities, and he held back and simply encouraged her to grow in grace. And then sometime later, he was freer to show his interest in her. The fifth of the seven. Avoid provocative appearance and actions. Avoid provocative appearance and actions. Harris again. You may not realize this, but we guys most commonly struggle with our eyes. I think many girls are innocently unaware of the difficulty a guy has in remaining pure when looking at a girl who is dressed immodestly. Now, I don't want to dictate your wardrobe, but honestly speaking, I would be blessed if girls considered more than fashion when shopping for their clothes. This ain't a 45-year-old dad talking. This is your fellow 19-year-old kid talking. All right? I would be blessed if they considered more than fashion when shopping for their clothes. Yes, guys are responsible for maintaining self-control, but you can help by refusing to wear clothing designed to attract attention to your body. I know the world tells you that if you have a nice body, you should show it off. And we men have only helped feed this mentality, but I think you can play a part in reversing this trend. I know many girls who would look great in shorter skirts or tighter blouses, and they know it. But they choose to dress modestly. They take the responsibility of guarding their brother's eyes. To these women and others like them, I'm grateful." Let's consider for a moment. We want to avoid provocative appearance and actions. Let's consider high school proms and high school dances. Please explain to me how a young man with the typical raging hormones can, in that context, righteously deal with the seductive dress, the alluring setting, the provocative movement and the stimulating touch. Explain to me how a young lady seeking to live modestly and righteously can enjoy the typical climate of the worldly prom or the nearly as worldly prom replacement. What a wonderful opportunity for our children to get all dressed up and have some wholesome fun. I do not mean to be unkind, but I would suggest that you keep such thinking to yourself, if you've imbibed that. Don't share your enlightenment with other godly parents of younger children. If you want to carry on such an experiment with your kids, don't pull others in to that kind of experiment. And if some sitting here merely from embarrassment of their reputation would nix the prom scene, I would not feel a great deal of guilt. I may not have secured your conscience, but if you nixed it, I'm not going to feel real bad. I have known some who thought that it would be cool and have been very disappointed, have not anticipated the carnality that is there. But again, it's caused me to think of some of our sister churches, in particular, sister church in the Midwest in the past, Edgewood, who sells in the things that they do for their young people. And far better for a church to feel a sense of responsibility and say, all right, this is what we're going to do, and we're going to have a fun time, than to just leave parents adrift and kids going into these kinds of scenes. We want to avoid provocative appearance and actions. I am not legislating on what you do as a youth group or you even have a youth group. I'm simply saying we can do better as Christians. Sixthly, avoid kissing prior to engagement or marriage. Elizabeth Elliot, as she deals with the whole matter of the physical relationship, is able to write these words, though, you know, again, remember the title, Passion and Purity. Strong desires. We had that earlier quote. And she had this notion, I wish you'd just come and embrace me with one of those rib-cracking embraces and hold me and kiss me and not even come up for air. That's not the sort of thing that you expect someone in their 60s to be sharing with you, is it? A strange thing happened during Jim's senior year in college. He called it his renaissance, a new openness to social life, friendships with people he did not consider especially spiritual. The freedom to date, if you felt like dating, and a great deal of clowning, giving vent to his native flair for acting and mimicry. I heard of it secondhand and was offended. What had happened to him?" Later on, the notion was not a new one, that the relationship that means most in a man's life is governed by far stricter principles than the casual ones. Because the girls he had kissed did not mean anything to him, he took it lightly at first. I didn't. I had expected perfection in Jim, or at least the strength of consistency. I did not find it, nor did he." Nor did he find perfection or consistency in me, but he repented. All right? So here's a guy, casual relationships, and he kissed somebody. What's this president of the Foreign Mission Society there at Wheaton going to do? Here's his response written to Elizabeth. I do not know the tearful repentance I should like to for having wandered and caused others to stray as I did. Dr. Brooks, the dean, is right in saying that I have much to regret in seriously looking over the past year. But with that statement, I must also say I have tremendous thanksgiving to God at the same moment. Impossible, you say? Very well. But that is how it stands. I have confessed to God, to the senior class, to the foreign missions fellowshippers, to you and to other individuals, and I am eased. If there is more that I must do, I stand ready for reproof. Do you yet expect more from me?" Come into a Renaissance period. I have freedom. I have liberty. Conscience may catch up with you. And imagine this young man, President, standing up in front of the Foreign Mission Fellowship and saying, brothers and sisters, I'm sorry that I slipped into this and forgive me for my casual kissing. I mean, what else could really have been said? Avoid kissing prior to engagement. As we think of the physical things, that which stirs up, remember the example of those homeschoolers out in Michigan, the 19 and the 20 year old, and as close as they get prior to marriage is sharing the hymnal. But they're able to do all right in the kiss at the wedding. We recognize that there is a difference between holding hands and palm massages. We recognize that there's a difference between a farewell hug and a draping, clinging type of hug. Again, Joshua Harris. I like Elizabeth Elliott's advice to couples, keep your hands off and your clothes on. Until you're married, please don't treat each other as if your bodies belong to each other. The kissing, touching, and caressing that take place in today's dating relationships often lead to confusion and compromise. Such behavior is often based on selfishness and awakens desires that you can righteously satisfy only in marriage. Protect each other. Reserve your passion for marriage by refusing to start the process. Personally, Now we're hearing from the 19-year-old. Personally, I'm committed to waiting even for a kiss until I'm married. I want the first kiss with my wife to be on our wedding day. I know that sounds archaic to many, and truthfully, I would have scoffed at the idea myself just four years ago. But I've come to realize how sinful and meaningless physical intimacy can be apart from the commitment and purity of marriage. Avoid kissing. prior to engagement or marriage. Now, these are my suggestions. You're going to come up with your own definitive guidelines where you draw the line. But I urge you to take in the spectrum of this practical advice, along with the very plain guidelines of the body, that your body is a living sacrifice to the Lord, that you make no provision for the flesh. Seventhly, by way of suggestions for your guidelines. Seventhly, avoid situations of temptation. Some say, no riding alone in the car together. Perhaps we could balance that, an accountability of where you're going, when you're leaving, when you're arriving. Give us a call when you get there. Never alone in a house or an apartment together. Again, that can sound somewhat authoritative, coming from a dad. Let's hear our young men talk to us again with principles that have been hammered out. Setting boundaries like these will allow you to respond with confidence in different situations. For example, I've committed to avoiding situations that could lead to temptation. For me, being alone with a girl in an empty house is one such situation. So I've created a boundary about this issue. I will not go to a girl's home if no one else is there. If a girl calls me and invites me to come over and mentions in passing her parents aren't home, I don't have to weigh the situation or pray about it. I already know I won't accept the invitation. Rules by themselves won't change our hearts, but once we've taken on a new attitude, protective boundaries can help us to keep on course. Now, something of this principle, whatever we may think of Billy Graham's ministry, that policy that Billy Graham and the Associates established, never alone with a woman who is not the wife of the man. With all the nonsense that's gone on with the televangelists, we can at least hear that and have some appropriate respect. Part of keeping this kind of commitment involves avoiding settings given to temptation. This doesn't mean that you can never have privacy, but two people can have privacy in time alone without completely isolating themselves from parents and friends. Think of Jonathan Edward. There's the room, and there's the fire if you need it. Plenty of opportunity to talk. When you have activities that involve just the two of you, make sure you carefully plan your time, avoid essential focus and atmosphere, and let someone know where you'll be and when you'll be home. Remember, by delaying sexual involvement, you're storing up passion and making sexual love within your marriage that much more meaningful. Don't allow impatience now to rob you of an undefiled, passionate sexual relationship and marriage. When you come to the bed within the house, you'll come to the bed within the house with a clear conscience and not tears of regret. It's like a reservoir. You can store up all of the water and at the appropriate time pull the dam and let her go. You're not going to lose anything. But if you think you've got to have something along the way, it's like you're poking holes in it down the road and robbing yourself by means of guilt. Finally, C. Under Roman numeral 3, the practice of preserving purity for marriage, necessity of guidelines, suggestions for your guidelines to maintain purity. And I want to close with the example of Jim and Elizabeth Elliott. Back in June, early June of 1948, here is something of the feelings that they had. They've already spent this time together in realistic situations, already convinced of the direction they want to go, but they're not sure of God's direction. We sat on the grass by the lake and talked of how each other had agonized over the question of singleness, both of them thinking of missions, knowing that our chances of finding a mate in missionary work would be strictly limited. Jim said he had no intention of looking for one. He found the one he wanted. Quote, If I marry, I know who it'll be. That is, of course, it shall have me. He flashed his famous smile. I smiled in reply. He hastened to add, But I'm not asking. I can't do that, Beth. And you'll have to understand that. I can't ask you to marry me and I can't ask you to commit yourself to anything, whatever. I can't even ask you to wait. I've given you and all my feelings for you to God. You'll have to work out whatever he wants. Then we come to January 1953. They've been off to language school. They've been separate. This is the end of their college time together. So we want to get married. But then they go apart and hardly see one another. Now they are both in South America, several, several hours apart. I don't remember all the particulars, but here it is. Christmas came and went to New Year's, 1953. The weeks of January dragged by until at last, late one night, I heard the galloping of a horse. There was a knock on the door and a man handed me a telegram. Jim was in Quito, waiting for me to come. Don found me traveling as fast as the mud would allow the horse to go out to Santo Domingo de los Colorados. I'm sorry for my Spanish. Another night, and I caught a banana truck before dawn for the 10-hour grinding journey up to Quito. It was as Jim had predicted, the greeting in the presence of others, the not-too-long glance, but that evening we were alone by the fire. Jim had waited nearly five years for this. He took it slowly, biding his time. We looked at the fire, spoke briefly of our journeys from the jungle, sat in silence. In the fullness of time, he asked me to marry him. Then the first kiss. A ring on my finger. April. of 1953. There are parts she sees fit to include this note in her book, Passion and Purity, from Jim. I need you darling and need you soon. I love you strongly tonight with a sense of power, a huge surging hope inside of me as to the fulfillment of our love. It is not the quiet longing that is usually on me, but the upflung fists and the shouting for possession, and both arms eager to crush you to me. It is the bursting heart and the wild eye of passion, the laugh that makes the stomach tighten. You cannot possibly understand this. I don't really ask you to. It is just one of the ways that I love you, and it happens to seize me as I write. Love is not at all a resting in me. It is a tenseness and a daring, a call to crush and conquer. Good night, my brave lover, and may the God who loves you stronger than I stand guard over you through the night." This is the kind of letter that missionaries write. Don't let the supporting churches get a hold of that. June 1948, January 53, that last note, April 1953, and now October 1953. We were married in Quito on October 8, 1953. The McCulley's and the Tidmarsh's were our witnesses. Others came to see us off at the airport and to throw rice at us. At the El Panama Hotel overlooking the Pacific coast of Panama, I picked up the phone shortly after we arrived. Mrs. Elliott, said a polite voice, I was stunned. Mrs. Elliott. It was only the front desk inquiring if all was satisfactory in our room. We went down to dinner and as we dawdled over coffee and dessert, savoring the luxurious atmosphere and enjoying the music of a dance band, Jim looked across the candles at me. I can hardly believe we've got a bed waiting for us," he said. The verse given to us for that day was Isaiah 25.9. Lo, this is our God, and we have waited for Him. It was unspeakably worth the wait. Father, we thank You for the beauty of Your design and creation. And we bless You, Lord God, that as we contemplate something of the sin and something of the perversity of our society around us, the shame that we feel in that, the anger that we feel in that, we bless You, on the other hand, overwhelming emotions that come to us as we consider something of what You have intended, something of the strength of passion balanced by a spotless purity. And Lord, it is only right for our hearts to go out in gladness as we consider this. We would pray, Lord God, that the heart of every young person sitting here would as well go out in delight to this picture that you've given. Even now in their hearts, confirm in the aim and center of their consciences, this stuff is right. This is good. This is beautiful. This is worth the wait. Convince them. Now, Father, if there are those who sit here strangers to your grace and mercy, convince them afresh of their need of your dear Son, that they would indeed be that one who is a genuine believer, and putting themselves in the position to be happy for life with one whom you would give them. We plead these mercies. In the name of our loving and good Lord Jesus, Amen.