The following sermon was delivered at a dating and courting seminar which was held at the Trinity Baptist Church in Montville, New Jersey in September of 1999. The preacher is Pastor Mitch Lush from the Grace Covenant Baptist Church in Westchester, Pennsylvania. This is the fourth in a series of sermons and is entitled, Who Should You Date? Recently we heard the most novel approach yet to this whole difficult matter of dating and marriage. In a recent book called Marrying Smart, the author advocates applying business principles to your personal life. She suggests that you go about this task in a direct way. Make a list of attributes desired in a partner, expose yourself to situations in which your gender is far outnumbered by the other gender, and set a date by which you want to be married." Our response was something akin to, whoa, doggies. In this fourth session, we want to consider Roman numeral one, first of all, the responsible quest for character in a life partner. The responsible quest for character in a life partner. First of all, A, the responsibility to look for character. You are to be looking, Proverbs 18.22, he who finds a wife finds a good thing. You are to be looking for character, Proverbs 31 and verse 10, who can find a virtuous wife? Proverbs 11.22, so was a lovely woman who laughs discretion. She's like a ring of gold in a swine's snout. Proverbs 31.30, charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. You are to be looking, but you can't be fatalistic. God has made you in His image. God has given you a capacity for thought and for prayer and assessment. You have a responsibility to glorify God even in the process of finding that gift from God. It is that you cannot simply go into the grocery store, reach into the pile of grapes, and take the first bunch of grapes that comes in your hand. I doubt that any of us do that. We reach in, we pull the grapes out, we see if they're green, we see if there's that grayish cast that has come to them. We feel just a little bit, and if a few of them are squishy, we say, no, I don't think so. Go for another one. And so it is in the matter of dating. We can't simply say, well, in the providence of God, this is a bunch of grapes that came out of my hand first. Exodus 16, 4, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you and the people shall go out and gather a certain quota every day that I may test them whether they will walk in my law or not. The first bunch of grapes in your hand is not evidently the will of God for you to get married to this bunch of grapes. The first bunch of grapes may be God's test. Do you find the qualities there that are in accord with the scriptures? We need to bear in mind Proverbs 19 and verse 13. A foolish son is a ruin of his father and the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping. As Bridges, commenting on that passage, points out that we expect the greatest blessing to come within the realm of the family. But here is a man who's got a wife and a son who are the sources of his greatest grief. Don't just reach in and take the first bunch. of grapes that providentially happens to come into your hand. So there is first of all the responsibility to look for character, but B, there is the responsibility, balancing this, to trust God's providence. God is sovereign over everything. He works all things after the counsel of His will. Ephesians 111. Romans 8, 28. We know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. Proverbs 16, 9. We had occasion to look at it earlier. A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. Matthew 10, 29. Or not two sparrows sold for a copper coin, and not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. Little meaningless sparrow flitting across the scene. One of them drops dead. It was according to the will of God. God is sovereign over everything. God is sovereign over the selection of your mate. Proverbs 19 and verse 14. Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. Dads can look and say, all right, the business is going, and I plan in ten years to hand this much responsibility over to you, and then eventually plan on the whole thing coming over to you. Dads can do that. But dads can't orchestrate and bring the prudent wife to his son. That's up to the Lord. Jehovah must do that. Now, I urge you, as we bring these two responsibilities together, you're responsible to find. You can't simply sit back and say, oh, well, the Lord will drop her out of heaven. Abraham didn't have that vantage point. Eleazar? Take some initiative. Those young Benjamites couldn't have that disposition. Listen, the gals are going to be here. Here's our plan. You see one you want, you go tackle her and carry her off. Now, I'm not advocating, I'm only wanting us to get the principle of initiation. You are responsible as a moral agent, as one made in the image of God, to think, to analyze, to pray, to look. But you're also responsible to trust God. And the convergence of these brings me to urge you to see the greater importance of being as opposed to finding. I've got to travel the world. I've got to search the internet, see if anyone's profile fits the profile that I want. I've got to check out every gal, every young lady that I meet, every guy that I meet. The first question is, does he fit this? Does she have the right color of hair? Is she the right height? And all these things. Always, am I finding? Am I finding? But if the bulk of your energies go into finding instead of being, then what will happen when you find Mr. Right? You will find Mr. Right, but you will not be suited for Mr. Right, because you have not been becoming Miss Right. You meet Miss Right, all the character. She's attractive. And there she is, and you know she is Miss Right. One problem. Miss Right is not interested in you. Because you've been so preoccupied with finding that you've not been becoming. And you are shallow and unprincipled, and Miss Right wants something more than that. Harris again. In this chapter, we'll look at the character qualities and attitudes important in a spouse. But as we do so, we also want to ask, am I cultivating these in my own life? Let's be careful to maintain a humble attitude of self-examination. We need to not only concentrate on finding the right person, but more important, on becoming the right person ourselves. There is the responsibility to look and the responsibility to trust in our sovereign God. Secondly, this morning, Roman numeral two, the key universal traits to be found in a life partner. And now I am all prepared to see a few eyes roll, so I probably will not look at you. But into this next section, we are going to work through an acronym that turns out to be BARK. We are looking at the key universal traits to be found in a life partner. And it is that we, at the end, will be able to ask, does this young man bark? Does this young woman bark? You can roll your eyes, you can softly whisper to one sitting off to the side of you, please. That really won't trouble me too much. But here's my point. I want this to stick in our minds. The first, does this young guy bark? Is he a genuine believer? The biblical basis of this characteristic. 1 Corinthians 7, verse 39, you need not turn there, specifically of a widow who is remarrying, but the principle is, a wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives, but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes only in the Lord. And it is appropriate to take that which is given to the widow and broaden it out to all and say that whoever you marry, young person, there to be a genuine believer. They ought to bark. There is the 2 Corinthians 6 passage that Pastor Martin used to introduce our session. And yes, it is speaking initially there and primarily in the context of the church, that the church as a whole is the temple of the living God. But there is a legitimate application that comes to marriage partners. You see, there's a sense in which the husband and wife, the certain principles there of unity and harmony, parallel the unity and harmony that is found within the church. There is further the passage of Genesis 6 that teaches there of how the sons of God and the daughters of men, the godly line and the ungodly line, began to intermarry. And I don't have the time to go into that, probably not the ability as well, but Professor Murray's Principles of Conduct lays out something of that understanding of Genesis 6. But the point is, as there has been that intermarrying, it's not as though the sons of God, being more godly, are able to pull up the daughters of men and that everything is fine. But rather, there is a deterioration. There's a pulling down. that we come to verse 5 of Genesis 6, "...then the Lord saw the wickedness of man was great in the earth." Not only will it have personal consequences if you, as a believer, marry someone who is an unbeliever. God may be gracious, and there are instances where He has converted the other one and pulled them up. But more times than not, there was the pulling down. And we must be aware of that. The practical importance of this characteristic of genuine believer is simply to consider the immeasurable heartache of a believer with a young believer. Pull some older believer in this church aside who must face the difficulty of living with an unbeliever and let them share with you a little bit of their concerns. And without knowing who it is that you're going to talk to, I expect that something of the advice you are going to get is Mary, only in the Lord. There's a weakness of contemporary professing Christianity that has its carnal Christian theory. They have in their circle of the life where there is on the throne, still egos on the throne, that Christian profession is within the circle, but the life is still a chaos. Things have not changed. And so when you're looking for one who barks, you're looking for one who does not merely profess faith, but you're looking for one who genuinely believes. For those of you who will go off to a Christian college, This needs to be heightened in our consciousness that as you're going there, you're coming from a church where you think in terms of a true believer is boom. But when you go into this other context, there was the definition that a true Christian is defined as something altogether different from what you're used to thinking of. And I'm not saying that's an argument against Christ. I'm simply saying that is something that has to be held in mind as you're considering a marriage partner. Here's the relevance of John's test of life, the birthmarks of true Christianity. Does this one believe the truths of the gospel? Does this one have a righteousness that is lived out? Does this one love the people of God? Evaluate one's righteousness. What's his attitude towards sin? Find a way to get into the Ten Commandments. What do you understand this to mean? What do you understand this regarding the sanctity of life to mean? Work through these things. And particular cautions regarding this characteristic, I urge you, take pains to see a genuine faith. Be personally convinced. On this point, do not merely trust your elders. And that's not a slap at the elders. But it's the realization, you're the one that's going to have to be married to this person for life. And we have seen situations where a young man was interested in a young woman, and the elders had been involved in all the hours of counseling, and from their vantage point, they thought that the young woman was heading in this direction, and so they urged, they gave the green light to the young man. He's married in six months, he knew. I got big troubles. You need to be personally convinced. Beware of the skill of the manipulator. Be willing to let some time pass. And under this point of the genuine believer, I can already anticipate someone sitting here saying, but I'm not a Christian. I don't need to worry about marrying in the Lord because I'm not a believer. And I'm glad that you realize that, if that is the point. But I would urge you that you are not off the hook so easily, at least in my thinking. When you are married and that first little baby comes, I fully expect in your case and in the case, as in the case of others, there is going to be a whole sense a mothering or fathering that's going to come to the fore of your mind. And the stuff of your Christian roots that you tried to suppress and push down, it may very well come up to the fore. And here you are, young woman, with your Christian roots that have been suppressed, and you tell your new hubby that you're pregnant. And he says, get an abortion. We can't afford to have any children now. The baby in arms, the four-year-old. The child's old enough, and you're kind of awkward putting them in bed at night, because you know your parents put you in bed with God every night. And that may seem so far removed from you, but as those parental desires come up within you, the little toddler, and they're all so exciting, well, here's my son, my son. But what am I going to teach my son concerning right and wrong? My daughter needs to be in Sunday school. I never thought I would be saying that. We have some in our assembly that the fundamental means that God used to bring them unto the sound of the gospel was having a five-year-old son and a one-year-old son. And God brought the mom back. God was gracious in that situation and saved the husband as well, but we don't have the assurance of that. So my point is beware of spurning the gospel and marrying a pagan thinking that everything is fine. I'm not a Christian. He's not a Christian. Everything will be fine. There may be situations that come about in your life that cause your Christianity and your background to rise up to the forefront of your mind. I urge you as well. as a young person sitting here being raised in a Christian home. I don't know what your home is like, but I know it's got problems. They all do. But there are benefits of being in a Christian home that you are subconsciously assuming are in everybody else's home. There's a peace and a stability and an honesty and a trust, a commitment to live by principle, And yeah, your family's got its troubles, but you don't know anything about troubles until you start living with a pig. You may sit here as a good kid, but not one of God's kids. I urge you, please don't abandon your Christian roots. You may get yourself locked into a situation, and then your Christian roots rise up, and then what kind of a mess are you in? You see, I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy for your life. I want you to be happily married. So this guy, this gal, has got to bark. Must be a genuine believer. But secondly, B, she or he is to be a doctrinal ally. The biblical basis of this, we've drawn from such a passage as Amos 3, verse 3. Can two walk together unless they are agreed? Pastor Sevastio illustrates this point of the importance of doctrinal ally, of this agreement, by saying that if you as a young lady were back in Geneva in the early 1500s, and there was a guy named John Calvin who took a fancy to you, given your present commitment to biblical truth, you would have to say, I'm sorry, John, we cannot be married. Or, if you were to live in the time of the Wesleys and Whitefield, and now we move ahead into the 1700s, and a young man named John Wesley, Maybe he's singing to you, maybe he's writing to you, all sorts of poetry. But in the end, you have to say, I'm sorry, John, we're not a match. Because I'm committed to the sovereignty of God, and that is not your commitment. We are not allies. It's evidenced in the marriage of Aquila and Priscilla. In Acts 18, verse 24, you remember the account of Apollos coming along, Priscilla and Aquila sitting under his ministry, and then together they took him aside. They didn't lambast him publicly, but they take him aside and explain to him the way of God more accurately, and good things come out of that. Maybe Priscilla and Aquila didn't have all the gifts for public ministry. But God had given them the understanding. They're able to take that deposit of understanding and put it into this truth machine, crank him up and send him off, and God does good through it. But imagine with me that as they are sitting down there, Aquila and Priscilla talking to Apollos, that they did not agree. Now, Aquila, you know that's not what Paul was saying about spiritual gifts. The point is, they knew the truth together. They knew what to do with that truth together. They were working together as one harmonious whole. And the practical importance of this characteristic of being a doctrinal ally can be seen by a couple of practical situations. Here they are, just married two or three years, and there's a miscarriage. Worse yet, there's a stillborn child. How is this young man going to come and comfort his wife if he doesn't believe in the sovereignty of God? If he doesn't have something of the truth of the sovereignty of God that as a steel rod has been tamped down through his backbone, how's he going to do it? The man will be a basket case, off to the shrink for his sedatives. Or, he'll be like the man who stopped by the pastor's study, praise to God, lying straight out on the floor. The Lord gives. The Lord takes. Blessed be the name of the Lord. From that posture, then, can get up and go and hopefully minister to the wife. But if a man, a young woman, if a young woman does not believe in the sufficiency of the scriptures, how are you even going to start to address the issue of her role versus his role? If psychology is as important as the Bible, how can he watch her spank the children? And this is something that you got to get used to. At least for many, it's easier to see the offense, know it needs to be addressed, and then to address it with those stinging, glancing blows that inflict just a little bit of pain there on the surface. Real pain. But it's one thing to do it yourself. It's another thing to watch somebody else panking your kid. Even though she's the mom, he's the dad. If psychology is as important as the Bible, how can he watch that? The job transfer that precludes a biblical church. Honey, that's a big promotion. What are you talking about? Thinking about a church. There are lots of churches in that town. Particular cautions. Don't minimize the religious instruction that you've enjoyed in your home and in your church. I'm saying not only is he or she to be a believer, they have to be a doctrinal ally. Preacher, come on. You're really getting picky. If he or she professes faith in Christ, I mean, look at society. They at least profess faith. Embrace this principle because where there is the greater agreement, there will be the greater unity and the greater joy. There will be less to jangle and distort in our thinking through the practical matters relating to the kids. Less to annoy as an irritant. which the other must bear and forbear. The greater truth, the greater unity. And it may be wise to set up the principle, as some have, that he or she is a church member. Again, I cannot point to this in the scriptures. But if this is the case, don't simply assume. He or she is a member in the church over there, and it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me. Because please hold in mind, again, you need to go through your own personal interview process. You may not call it that. You may not have an application. I'm not suggesting that. But you be personally involved in that. And recognize that if the church accepted and the church has a liberty that you don't have. And I don't mean to be crass, and I don't mean to be unfeeling, but I mean to be realistic. And if a man or a woman begins to manifest whole patterns of rebellion against God, the church can deal with that and say, we no longer have a relationship. But in a marriage relationship, you don't have that same sort of ability, barring the immorality. and the willful abandonment. You've just got to put up with it. So you conduct your own interview process. Now where there is not present doctrinal agreement, and I recognize, we cannot say, you've got to marry within the denomination. Where there is not present doctrinal agreement, look for at least manifest teachability. You know, some young ladies have been a great initial help to their guy. They manifest a Berean spirit and a willingness to learn the ways of God. Do they respond like an apologist? You take something of truth, you put it in their head, and it grows. And they're not fighting it. Now, this can be particularly difficult if the man lags behind in the understanding. How will he lead the wife who is out in front? And I would not be surprised if I speak to some, even here, as a young lady. God has helped you. God has used you as a means of conveying some truth to this young man that you're interested in. Just as a note of encouragement, we have seen young men who start, the wife is out in front and she's thrown a few crumbs back at him, and in a process of months and a process of very short years, boom, he's up there and he's taking the lead. It can happen, but don't assume that it's going to happen. Does this kid Does this young lady bark? Is she a believer? Is she an ally? Thirdly, is he a competent relater? A competent relater. The biblical basis of this characteristic, man was made as a communicative being from creation. God spoke to them. Genesis 128. This is what you're supposed to do. This is what you're supposed to eat. Adam felt his loneliness. God could talk to him in Genesis 2 concerning the prohibition. Adam saw Eve and he breaks out in this poetic language. He's a communicative being. We find this whole emphasis on the importance of talking, the social relationship, Proverbs 31.11, the heart of the husband safely trusts her, so he will have no lack of gain. Proverbs 31.26, she opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She's communicative. She's gracious and principled in her communication. Proverbs 31.28, her husband also, and he praises her. He's a communicative being. You think of Song of Solomon and how Solomon, if that's Solomon writing, I believe that it is, talking about the beautiful design of his wife's body. He's a very expressive and communicative man. Now, if we just look at man in and of himself, we see that there is the need of communication. But when we bring in the element of man's imperfections, man needs to communicate because of his sin. Luke 17 and verse 3. Take heed to yourselves, if your brother sins against you, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you saying, I repent, you shall forgive him. Now, how can you rebuke him without communication? How can he repent without communication? How can you forgive him without communication? Ephesians 4, verse 25 and following, putting aside lying, let each of us speak truth to his neighbor. Be angry and do not sin, nor let the sun go down on your wrath. Let no corrupt word proceed from out of your mouth, Ephesians 4, 28 and following. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God. Let all bitterness, wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice. He's got to be a competent relator. Now, what do I mean by that? There at least has to be the ability on her part to talk to you and the ability on his part to say something more than, like, Hey babe, how about some pizza and a movie? There's got to be an ability to communicate. And the importance of this characteristic is, how are you going to know if you're suitable for one another if you can't talk? It's true, you can be lonely as a single, but it's also true, you can be very lonely as a married individual. That person doesn't talk. Yup. Nope. How are you going to resolve tensions if she either clams up or blows up? I shall never forget, I was beginning, I was already committed to have a number of counseling sessions with a couple that was visiting our church. And as I opened up this one particular session, I'm trying to get things flowing. And so I say, give me an example of a conflict between you that you have resolved over the course of your 17 years of marriage. Silence. More silence. And I'm thinking, I can't believe this. How many weeks am I signed up for here? 17 years of marriage and they could not tell me of a particular situation where there had been a conflict and they had worked through it to resolution. Now that is tragic. But let it stick in your mind. There's got to be a competent ability to relate if you're going to have reproof, repentance, forgiveness and restoration. A particular caution. Sin is going to occur. Problems are going to happen. It's not that everything is smooth and free and easy. It's true individually that you've got your sin. It's doubled when you have two lives in the closest proximity. The question is, On a scale of 1 to 10, how is she at working through conflict? I don't know. You better find out. How is he at working through conflict? Is she a fighter as a single? What do you think she's going to be like when she's married? Better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman. Proverbs 21, 19. 25, 24. It's better to dwell in the corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman. 26, 21. As charcoal is to burning coals and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife. Can't talk through anything. The best thing that you can do in that situation is to just not talk, because it's like pulling the fuel away and eventually the fire's going to go out. What a horrible situation to be married into. Your character travels with you. Problems with your parents? There will be problems in relating to your spouse. Now, humility and growth and grace will be a tremendous help in this. And we must recognize that in the more awkward years when everything's going on in your body and your mind and all these developments, some of us at that point in our lives will be marked by an unusual amount of backwardness. And we simply must underscore there's a difference between humility, a difference between pride and backwardness. There's a difference between a pride that won't work on the problem and a backwardness that can be enhanced over the course of time. But will he stand being reproved? Does he easily and genuinely admit his guilt? Well, young lady, when you've got the goods on him, it may not be a big deal, but it's a big deal in this sense. You're looking at how he's squirming. How's he doing in that situation? Is it easier for him to talk about being married than it is about, I am very sorry. And I feel the desire to push this home a little bit more because of a constant situation that's just come back recently. Now, you know, my husband, it's not real easy for him to admit that he's sorry. I've been married almost 20 years. It ought to get easy. If we get enough practice at it. Does she like to punish you for a week because you have dared to wrong the great and mighty queen of self-importance? He or she must be a competent relator. Does this gal bark? Fourthly, D, a legitimate charmer. Charmer, I use it in the sense one that charms, especially a disarmingly attractive person, one who casts a spell. one with whom there is some magic, there is some chemistry. D, a legitimate charmer. The biblical basis for this, the Song of Solomon, chapter 1 and verse 2, the Shulamite is speaking, let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth. Later on in chapter 1 and verse 7, moving into verse 8, there is this language of the beloved, the man. If you do not know, O fairest among women. There is further in verse 15, the language of the Beloved. Behold, you are fair, my love. You are fair. You have dove's eyes. And then the Shulamite, the young woman, speaks. Behold, you are handsome, my beloved. Yes, pleasant. There needs to be something of that chemistry. There needs to be something of the legitimate charm. God does not intend marriage to be a platonic relationship. He made them male and female. And you don't have to think about what all is involved very long about God making them male and female to know that God did not design this for a mere platonic relationship. God made us male, God made us female. And there's no shame involved in that. It's not from the devil. God has designed us that way. And the spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects are all bound up together. We are body-soul creatures. The physical attraction is not to be discounted. I cannot give you the advice that some have been given in the past. The physical means nothing. Look at her character. Look at her soul. And that's all that it is. No. There is, in biblical honesty, something of a place for a legitimate charmer. In particular, cautious. It's not unspiritual to desire mutual attraction. God made us with these capacities. Jacob is able to look at Leah and say something. And he's able to look at Rachel, and it's like a fire goes on within him. Ezekiel, as an older man, is still referring, God speaks to Ezekiel, I believe it's the case, speaking to Ezekiel concerning the desire of your eyes. And who's he talking about? Ezekiel knows who God is talking about. Talking about my wife, the desire of your eyes. It's not unspiritual to desire mutual attraction. It would be wrong to downplay it and say that it's nothing. On the other hand, it is unspiritual to make a god out of physical beauty. Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing. But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. It's not realistic to base a relationship on physical attraction and expect that that will be the sufficient glue. I mean, just think of this argument. Look at the Hollywood couple, with all their glamour and all of their appeal, and if the stick-to-itiveness of marriage is based upon the looks, then they got a maid. Guess what? They got divorced before we finished talking about them. It's not sufficient glue for the relationship. Joshua Harris opens himself up, is somewhat transparent as a young man. As I ponder the foreverness of marriage, one question keeps rattling through my mind. What quality should I look for in a wife? Perhaps you wonder the same thing as you consider spending the rest of your life with one special person. What would make someone the perfect mate for you? When I think of that question, I know the answer entails many deep internal characteristics, but in everyday life, I still find it difficult to get past the superficial. A cute girl walks in the room and all my common sense evaporates. How many times have I made a complete fool of myself by falling head over heels for someone simply because of her charm and her beauty? Too many times. To cure this tendency, I've created a little game. When I meet a beautiful girl and I'm tempted to be overly impressed by her external features, I try to imagine what this girl will look like when she is 50 years old. Now, when I read this quote at Westchester, I got myself in trouble with some of the ladies who had just had their 50th birthday. So ahead of time, I apologize, moms. But I believe he's dealing with reality here. This girl may be young and pretty now. Of course, you are the exception to the rule, and if you come up, my answer is you are the exception to the rule. This girl may be young and pretty now, but what happens when beauty fades? Does anything within her beckon me to her? Is it her character that radiates and draws me toward her, or is it just the fact that her summer dress shows off a little too much of her tan? So what if her feminine outline captures my eye today? When pregnancies add stretch marks and the years add extra pounds, will something in this girl's soul continue to attract me? Rule number three. The source of these key universal traits. Does this gal bark? Does this guy bark? Is she or he a genuine believer? Is he or she a doctrinal ally? Is he or she a competent relator? Is he or she a legitimate charmer? See? You roll your eyes at me, you utter please under your breath, but it's there for at least a little bit in your mind. Thirdly, Roman numeral three, the source of these key universal traits. Where are you going to find these traits in an increasingly godless society? Where are you going to find somebody that you can trust for a lifetime? You can find such in one who is in union with God, one who believes One who believes that even the gift of believing has come from God. Not one who proclaims his or her goodness and his or her strength, but one that you can trust for all of your days. Now, you see, in this we're not so much trusting the guy or the gal, but we're able to have a greater confidence because of the God who has claimed this guy or gal. And because of their relationship with God, we can have this greater confidence and trust. Where are you going to find such? Where are you going to find someone who shares your perspectives on life? Some of our young men have talked about the young ladies that they bump into and interact with there on the secular campus. And it's like, Pastor, I haven't heard you talk about this feminism stuff, but here, see it. There are no girls who are thinking in these terms. Where are you going to find someone who shares your perspective on the value of human life, as in the Bible? Where are you going to find someone who is skilled in reproving and repenting and forgiving and restoring? Just walk up to some table there in the student union and say, I'll bet this girl knows how to resolve conflict. You want someone who is going to graciously reprove you to make you a better person. You want someone who will see you and deal with you. But you also want someone who is going to see their own sin and own it when it's pointed out. You want someone who is willing to forgive you, who knows the realities of human nature. And where are you going to find someone who's got lasting charm? She's cute, but man is she arrogant. She's cute, and is she bossy and self-willed? He's handsome, but he is selfish and demeaning to the core. These traits, taken as a whole, are distinctively Christian traits. They are marks of God's work in a young man or a young woman. And I'm asking this question, where are you going to find these traits? Just to highlight that if you're going out and looking in the world, it's like you're on a fool's errand. You're looking for the Christian stream, the fruit that flows out of a Christian relationship, but you don't necessarily want the Christian fountain. You don't want the spring. You just want the fruits. Where are you going to find this? You'll find these in one who's in union with the Lord Jesus. Secondly, B, under Roman numeral 3, where are you going to get these traits? If you are not a believer, then you cannot rightly marry a believer. Here's a gal who's got it. Based on your perspectives of life, there it is. But it would be the best thing for you, but the worst thing for her if you married her. It would greatly hinder his or her service of God. It would be similar to your experience in family devotions. You appreciate the fruit, the stability, the principles there in the Christian life. But when it comes to family devotions, You go to sleep on it. That's not your life. A moralist and a true believer will not be intimate companions. There will be a great gulf between them. Where are you going to find these traits? More importantly, where are you going to get them? You need to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and make up for lost time. Some of you sitting here this morning, very likely, are not yet believers. And likely you know where you stand with the Lord. But I hope you see that my interest in young people is at least reflected in a willingness to take up this topic. Please know that I want you to believe and live for the Lord Jesus Christ. Please know that I want you to be lastingly happy. Please know in your heart of hearts that an honest, self-denying, self-giving, faithful partner is going to be a Christian. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ. Make up for lost time. and put yourself in a position to have a happy, lasting relationship by being the one who barks, who is then qualified to marry one who barks. That's right. Father, we do ask of you that you would take something of these principles and make them to stick in our minds. We would ask, Lord, that you would be pleased to encourage us to hold our responsibilities together before you, that you expect us to work it fine, and you expect us to trust in your sovereign guidance, your sovereign timing. And we pray that as we look, we would look according to those traits that are to be found in both young men and young women, that they believe that they are doctrinal allies, that there is an ability to relate, and that there is this chemistry, that there is this legitimate charm that is found. Lord, we pray that You would be pleased to use even something of this study in the days ahead to be beneficial to some sitting here this morning that indeed they would be brought into a godly marriage where you are glorified. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.