Well, if you will, please take out your Bibles and in the New Testament be turning to the book of Colossians, Paul's letter to the saints in Colossae. We're going to be reading. Chapter 3 and verse 12 down through the first verse of chapter 4. Colossians chapter 3 and verse 12 beginning. A text that only briefly mentions the relationship of marriage and yet addresses for us the principles that we wish to consider in that particular social context today. Before we read God's word, let's bow and ask His blessing upon it. God and Father, as we open your word together this morning, we pray that your spirit would open our hearts and enable us to see your glory, to hear your teaching, to be humble, to be convicted, to be convinced, to be strengthened, O Lord, that we might endeavor to see within our own marriages the power of the gospel displayed. that we would learn to walk in love even as we have been loved, and that you would bless us, O Lord, that we would see that all of the relationships among men that we enjoy in the present age are but types and signs pointing us to that greater relationship for which we are made as your image bearers and called to be your children in Jesus our Savior. Amen. Hear now God's word, Colossians chapter three, beginning at verse 12. Put on then as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body, and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye service as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. The wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a master in heaven. Thus far, the reading of God's word. May he add his blessing to it. I've planned this series on marriage for a long time, but not because I think that I have any particular expertise with which to speak, and not even because I enjoy preaching on this topic, because as a matter of fact, I don't. The truth is that I tremble to talk about marriage, because I know of no better way to ensure extra pressure from the adversary within my own marriage than to offer counsel on marriage to other people. I can't think of any better way to be confronted with my own weakness and failures and an overwhelming sense of hypocrisy than to tell all of you how God wants us to think and act in our marriages. So it's not that I can speak from a position of success or accomplishment in regard to these principles. I'm not here to tell you, look at me, do what I'm doing, and your marriage and your soul will be better for it. I'm preaching these lessons first to myself, and if you would like to listen along, then you're welcome to do so. Every time I perform marriage counseling as a pastor, I find myself convicted convicted anew to say, Lord, forgive me for how many ways I am failing. In fact, if Kirstie were here this morning, she could tell you that on more than a few occasions, I have called her on the way home from counseling appointments just to apologize for being such a lousy husband. See, I've spent the last hour, hour and a half counseling husbands about how they ought to love their wives and being reminded that I'm failing in that regard in so many ways. Teaching God's Word on these issues is very convicting and uncomfortable. The reason we are engaged in this series on marriage is not because I personally have a great deal to say about it, but because God's Word has a great deal to say about it. Even mature Christians who are faithful in their marriages will often misunderstand the true purpose for marriage in the plan of God. Many, many Christians who have wonderful marriages that glorify God and that are a blessing to their souls and to their lives, nevertheless overlook some of the covenantal and typological aspects that we introduced in our last sermon last week. Now we may realize to a limited extent how marriage is related to sanctification, but even that, I have found, is often neglected and too little recognized and applied in our relationships. We say that we believe the gospel, but we often fail to see the gospel in our marriages, to apply the gospel in our own homes. It is shameful when God's people act in marriage like most unbelievers in the world. But there is a reason for hope, because God's Word has a great deal to say on this topic. It talks about how the Gospel changes not only marriage, but all of our human relationships. We have more that we can learn, more that we can apply, and I am convinced that our lives and our marriages will be better for having done so. Today what I want to do is take the text in Colossians chapter 3 and apply these broader gospel principles to the specific relationship of marriage. But as we've said a number of times already, marriage is only the particular context of our inquiry and examination in this series. And if you're sitting there saying, well, I'm not married, I'm single, I've never been married, or I'm divorced, or my spouse has died and I don't intend to ever be married again, what relevance does this topic have for me? Well, we're not so much preaching on marriage, brothers and sisters, we're preaching on the gospel. We're talking about how the gospel is portrayed in marriage and ought to be lived out in our marriages. And the principles that we're talking about are applicable not only to the relationship of marriage, but really to all social relationships that we enjoy in the present age. Today, what I want you to think about is the way in which the gospel sets forth a plan for how we are to live in relationship. In our text today, in Colossians chapter 3, you have a type of teaching that is actually pretty common in the apostolic literature. You can see it very clearly here in Colossians 3. And in the parallel text, we might say, in Ephesians chapters 4, 5, and 6, you can find it in Peter's writings as well, where these men will set forth the gospel, then they will discuss the implications for sanctification, putting off and putting on, and then they will begin applying those principles to particular people in particular places. Husbands, wives, parents, children, slaves, masters. They will apply this in the form of a table of relationships. And what that tells us is that the gospel is not merely a message for the unbeliever, those who are lost in the world. The gospel is also a proclamation to the people of God who have believed the gospel, who confess the gospel, and who are now to live their lives in light of the gospel. In other words, the gospel is not just for us at the beginning of our Christian life, it establishes the pattern of the Christian life. The gospel is the plan for your marriage. And we could just as easily be doing a series on parenting and talk about the gospel plan for parenting, because there is one. Or we could be doing a series on singleness. And we could talk about the gospel plan for singleness. There's a gospel plan for every relationship, every circumstance that we may find ourselves in in the Christian life. But to talk about the gospel, we need to be very clear on what is not the gospel, a problem known as legalism. And we've said before that legalism is the default religious position of the post-fall human heart. Even believers who were born from above continually slide back into legalistic thinking and have to continually resist the tendency to do so. We want to justify ourselves by our own work. We're convinced of our own righteousness and that we deserve more and better than what we have. The legalist is confident in himself. He's confident that he is right. He knows more than others do. He has a great deal to offer if only everyone else would listen to it. The legalist believes that he is entitled to good things because he is a good person, even if he says otherwise, and also entitled to those good things because he himself does good. He might begin his daily prayers in this way. God, I thank you that I'm not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as my spouse. See, that's how a legalistic spouse might pray. Above all things, the legalist is arrogant. His self-righteousness is the result of failing to see himself rightly in the light of God's holy standard and to see rightly the absolute necessity of Christ's atoning work. He pays lip service to that idea, but he doesn't live in the light of it. And you may be sitting there thinking, well, those legalists sure are bad people. I'm glad that I'm not one of them. And I hope that you aren't one of them. But the truth is that, at least on some days, you are one of them. And so am I. Legalism is our default position. And we keep returning to that default position if we are not consciously pursuing and applying the gospel. It's what we fall back on whenever we fail to preach the gospel to ourselves. And we usually don't realize when that's happening. We may, in fact, be speaking in gospel terms, but we're thinking and acting as if our righteousness is rooted in our own deeds. Legalism underlies our sense of entitlement, our moral umbrage at not being fully appreciated, our impulse to defend ourselves rather than to listen, reflect, and admit that some of the criticism we're hearing is probably true. Legalism is the religious system by which we worship our most cherished God, ourselves. And we have to battle against that every day. This is why gospel plans for life are important. This is why there needs to be an applied gospel, an applied theology. Yes, we need to have situations and circumstances, moments in the Christian life where we simply preach the gospel as if everybody in the room is unconverted and we all hear anew the good news, praise God. But there also needs to be an applied gospel. Because if there's not an applied gospel, well then we'll come and we will confess the gospel, we will celebrate the gospel, and then we'll go back and live the rest of our lives, the rest of the week, like a bunch of legalists. Legalism is how our sinful flesh corrupts and convinces religiously disposed minds to think and behave in carnal ways. And the problem with legalism is that a legalist doesn't realize that he is one. He's very pious. He confesses his sin. He loves to talk about grace. But ultimately, he thinks he is right because he does right. And that's legalism. Now you may say, well, what in the world does all of that have to do with marriage? Well, remember, marriage is only the context that we're particularly focused upon right now. Our primary interest is the gospel. And legalism is the antithesis of the gospel. We might not think about legalism in the context of marriage, but the tendency of legalistic thinking permeates all that we do. And so it should not be a surprise to find legalistic tendencies and behavior in our marriages as well. We are not accepted by God or in our marriages on the basis of our works. And that's the first place that you generally see legalism popping up in marriage. It's in the habit of measuring ourselves or our spouse by their actions. Do you realize that that is legalism, brothers and sisters? You are called to love your spouse because he or she is your spouse, not because he or she does what pleases you. It is not wrong to be pleased when your spouse does good things to you and for you. It's not wrong to be displeased when he or she acts unkindly or thoughtlessly towards you. But it is wrong, and by wrong, I mean sinful, wicked, evil. It is wrong to base our acceptance of our spouse on his or her deeds. The basis of a marriage is not conduct, but covenant. Now, does conduct affect that relationship? Does it impact it? Yes, absolutely. But it is not based on doing. It is based upon a promise. You made a vow to God that you would live with your spouse in the covenant of marriage. That commitment has nothing to do with the personal conduct or worthiness of your spouse. It has everything to do with the covenant oath you made to God. There are subjective and conditional aspects to every covenant relationship, including our relationship with God, but there are also objective and unconditional aspects to covenants that we often neglect or completely disregard when it comes to our marriage. And here's the irony. When we think about our covenant relationship with God, we want to focus entirely on the objective and unconditional nature of it. Praise God, because we're not saved unless it's there. But when it comes to other covenant relationships among men, what do we want to do? We want to focus on the subjective and conditional aspects of it. We're very ready to terminate that covenant or to bring about the curses of that covenant if the person who is another party to it does anything to displease us. Your relationship with your spouse is not about your spouse. What does Paul say to bond servants, to slaves in our text? He says, you're not serving your master, you're serving Christ. This relationship between you and your Lord is not about you and your Lord. It's about you and your capital L Lord. It's about Jesus, and you're to conduct yourself in this human relationship in view of that greater spiritual relationship. It is God in his providence that has brought you into the marriage that you enjoy or don't so much enjoy today. And He has a purpose for it. Your obligation is first and foremost to Him, not to your spouse. And you are to live with your spouse in the covenant of marriage, recognizing that God has called you to live there in peace, humility, gratitude, and self-sacrifice. That is His precept, His commandment, His requirement of you. It's not about what your spouse is wanting from you. It's about what God demands of you. Just like our fellowship with God, marriage is not sustained by our personal faithfulness. It is sustained by grace. Now, we readily see that when we're talking about the gospel, right? But when we begin applying the gospel to a particular human relationship, well, I'm sure that people have already begun to have all kinds of doubts and questions and caveats in their mind. But what about this? And what about that? And surely you don't mean this. And what are you saying that? Brothers and sisters, if the gospel plan is true in terms of our relationship with God, isn't it true in these other human relationships as well? In many marriages, one or both spouses are always on probation. Privileges are only given when rules are followed and standards are met. Every expression of love and kindness is a reward for good behavior and woe to the spouse who fails to live up to his mate's requirement. The legalistic spouse essentially says, if you want a good relationship with me, then you must daily meet my approval. Your physical appearance, your emotional state, your daily activities and your interaction with me are all subject to review. And if I do not approve, then you should not expect me to act as if everything is OK. It clearly is not. And until you shape up, there will be tension and trouble in our home. Now, most of us would not want to be judged the way that we tend to judge other people. And that is especially often true in our marriages. Have you noticed in your own life? I certainly have in mind that we are far more ready to give grace to friends and co-workers and brethren, maybe even strangers, than we are willing to give grace to members of our own family. We give more grace to ourselves than anyone else. When we fail to be and to do what we ought to be in our marriage, then we expect our spouse to understand, to forgive, and to persist in loving us. But when he or she fails to please us, we may act as if the relationship is now in jeopardy because our standards have not been met. Would we want God to treat us this way? And I want you to understand, it's very clear in Scripture. It's clear in our text. God does not treat us that way. Praise God. Because if he did, we would always be on probation and we would forever be in doubt of our relationship with him. If you think that you have a good marriage today, is it because you think that you're a good spouse? I'm sure that most of us try to be a good spouse. And if you don't try to be, then shame on you. You ought to try to be a good spouse. But do you realize that your marriage is not strong where another's is weak because of you? See, people who think that way tend to locate the strength or weakness of their marriage in human performance and to think, well, we have a good marriage because I'm a good husband. I love my wife. I provide for her. I treat her well. I remember her birthday. But when there is tension or trouble in the home, I'm looking for someone to blame. And it's obviously not me because I am doing my part. I'm a good husband. And so it must be, well, her. There's only one other person in the marriage, right? That is a marital legalist. He is proud, self-righteous, and very hard to live with. And if you see yourself reflected in that description, then go home and thank your spouse for his or her love for you, and be sure to thank God for him or her. If there's legalism in marriage, then there is also antinomianism. And whenever we're talking about the gospel plan for any particular relationship, we've got to clarify what's not the gospel. Legalism is one ditch. And antinomianism is the ditch on the other side of the road. Antinomianism is just a fancy word that means against the law. Lawlessness. It says that law has no binding moral authority over me. Since Jesus has fulfilled the law, I am no longer obligated to obey it. We shouldn't talk about the necessity of obeying God's law. That would be legalistic, right? That's how the antinomian thinks. But it's not legalistic, because legalism is saying, I am accepted by God because of what I do. Legalism is saying, by my works, I am accepted by God, I am approved by God, I am just before God. That's legalism, and that's a denial of the gospel. But it's not legalistic to say, and we must obey God's word. And we know that's not legalistic, because that's exactly what the Bible says, clearly, repeatedly. Obedience is neither the basis nor the justifying instrument whereby we are made right with God. But be assured, all who believe in Christ and are indwelt by his spirit will bear the fruit and evidence of God's effectual grace in their life and of a true and living faith. And you know what that evidence is? It's a commitment to God's word, a commitment to his law, the outworking of obedience and obedient faith. Now, antinomianism has historically been an overcorrection by those who love the good news of God's free grace. And it is amazing news. And the antinomian sometimes becomes antinomian because they don't want to corrupt it in any way. But you have to remember that an overcorrection leads to an opposite error. It's easy to be so overwhelmed by the message of God's sovereign love and grace that we no longer see a place for law in the Christian life. And I've counseled, unfortunately, a lot of people who have the same problem in their marriages. And I want to tell you that's a mistake. It's a grave one. On the one hand, you've got these marital legalists who are just impossible to live with. And on the other hand, you have these Christians who are so overwhelmed by God's love and kindness and grace that they don't see any role for God's law in their home, in their marriage. It's an opposite error, but it's equally destructive. Sincere spouses endure various forms of abuse because they regard it as their Christian duty. Well, it is our duty to endure hardship and to persevere, but not in a way that encourages lawlessness and covenant infidelity. Even with the best of intentions, such an approach actually enables the evildoer in his wickedness, and that is not a biblical response. God's Word makes clear that certain behaviors break the covenant of marriage. Divorce is not good and divorce always involves sin, but that does not mean it is always wrong to get divorced. That does not mean that all parties to a divorce are guilty of sin. Divorce is a sad reality and sometimes a necessary response to impenitent covenant infidelity. which is exactly why the Lord uses that very metaphor in the preaching of Jeremiah to describe what is going on in his relationship with his people. When a spouse is being abused, and I want you to understand, when I'm talking about abused here, I'm talking about a broader category than just physical beatings. This would include sexual infidelity and things of that nature, but I'm not talking about being treated unkindly. I don't mean saying, my husband is an impatient person. My husband comes in and he sits on the couch and watches TV instead of helping me when he comes home from work. That husband is acting like a fool, but that's not abuse. But when a spouse is being abused and he or she simply accepts it without taking any corrective action, the abused spouse is essentially saying God's law doesn't matter. That's essentially what you're saying. And you may be doing it with a pure heart, as a sincere act of obedience to God, but it is a misguided response to an ungodly and soul-damning sin. If your spouse is violating the covenant in this way, you must call him or her to repentance. That's what Jesus says in Matthew chapter 18. If your brother sins against you, tell him his fault. He doesn't say ignore it. He doesn't say be so overwhelmed by God's sovereign love and grace in your life that you just pretend like this sin is not being committed at all. That's not what he says. Tell him his fault. Or as he says in Luke chapter 17, if your brother sins against you, rebuke him. And if he repents, forgive him. But sin has to be addressed. Is he continually angry and harsh? Call him to repentance. And if he will not repent, seek help from the elders. Is your spouse sexually unfaithful? Call her to repentance. And if she will not repent, seek help from the elders. Is your husband physically harming you or your children? Call the police and then call the elders and let the church come alongside to assist you in your distress and to confront him. with God's holy law and the absolute necessity of repentance. So it is not being more spiritual to say, I'm called to suffer. I'm called to endure. God has loved me when I'm a mess. So I'm just going to love him or her no matter what's going on. That's not necessarily loving at that point, brother and sister. That's enabling. And you've got to know the difference. We're not saying that the gospel means we simply endure whatever an evil person may do. No, that behavior will damn your spouse to hell. That's what happens to people who continue in covenant infidelity. They are lost. You're not being spiritual by acting like God's law doesn't matter. We have to balance the authority of God's law to which we must submit with the sovereignty of God's love and grace, which takes the initiative and is absolutely undeserved. Though your spouse may, in fact, be your enemy, and tragically, that is sometimes the experience of God's people. They thought that they married a believer, perhaps, or they entered into a marriage with an unbeliever before they understood why they should not do that. And now they've reached a point in their life where they say, my greatest opponent in life is my spouse. But here's good news. The Bible tells you how to treat your enemy. Turn the other cheek when you're insulted. Do good when your enemy acts wickedly towards you. Endure afflictions, bless and do not curse. Pray for God's mercy and the blessing of repentance for your spouse. But don't neglect the protections that God has built into the law for his people. It was Jesus in Matthew chapter 10 who said, when they persecute you in this city, flee to another. He didn't say, well, because of God's sovereign love, when they persecute you in the city, you just You just stay there. If you've got an opportunity to get away, get away. If you have recourse, then take advantage of that recourse. It's not more spiritual to refuse the lawful protections God has given you. And in the case of a Christian marriage, there is another aspect that has to be kept in mind. An adulterous or abusive spouse is either a professing believer in danger of eternal damnation. or he or she is actually, and admittedly, an unbeliever who is refusing to live in peace with the believer. And in the former case, the Christian must not enable, but must confront and seek to correct the ongoing sin. In the latter case, God's word offers that believer, at least potentially, liberty. Now, there is a lot more that can and should be said about these situations. I realize that. Obviously, there are all kinds of questions that can be raised legitimately, things that need to be elaborated upon. Adultery, desertion, and abuse do not have to end in divorce. These sins can be confronted and addressed biblically. And sometimes that confrontation and intervention enables reconciliation and restoration in a relationship that otherwise would have been lost. But I do not want you to mistake the broader teaching about sovereign love and covenantal relationship as advocating the protection of covenant breaking behavior. Serious and unrepentant covenant breaking inside the home cannot be tolerated. It has to be addressed. And that's why an important part of the health of your marriage is not only that you and your spouse are mutually seeking the Lord individually and as a couple, but that you're also members of a church, that you're also accountable to elders, that you're in a church that is teaching the word of God, that you've got elders that are concerned for your souls, right? Because that's part of God's blessing of protection and help. Now, we're talking about marriage, and in this series, there are going to be a lot of applications that are specific to that relationship. But as we said at the very beginning of our lesson today, the principles we are expounding are broadly applicable to all sorts of human relationships. You can take the same principles and talk about parenting, about relationships with other family members, about relationships with your brethren, your coworker, your neighbor, even your enemy. The applications change, but the principles remain the same. And the gospel plan for marriage is this. I am to love my spouse as I have been loved by God in Christ. That's what we're to do. He says, I plead with you as God's elect people. You who are holy, you who are loved, live like it. It's essentially what he says. Know who you are and act like it. Know that you belong to God, see how he has loved you, and learn to walk in love, the same love with which he loved you. That doesn't mean waiting for my spouse to prove that he or she is worthy of my love. It does not mean withholding that love each day and holding covenant obligations over his or her head in order to obtain compliance with my wishes. No, working out the gospel in my marriage means taking the initiative in love. It is loving my spouse when he or she is unworthy and when his or her actions disappoint me. It's going farther, it's loving longer, it's serving tirelessly, it's forgiving repeatedly because that is how I have been and am being loved by God. And that's what you've got to remember. That when you are frustrated in your marriage, when you are disappointed in your marriage, when you are having problems in your marriage and you are convinced that you are right and that spouse is wrong and brother or sister, you may be right about that. You may be right about that. The problem may be theirs, but you have no control over them. You have responsibility for you. And the Lord says, love that person the way that I have loved you. And kindly, gently, you're a mess. And so am I. We're not easy to love. We're not lovely. And yet he loves and he patiently, lovingly, graciously continues to strengthen and sustain us, though we let him down. Practicing gospel love in marriage requires, among other things, taking responsibility. The good things that are going on in my marriage are reasons to thank God and to praise my spouse. My job is in part to beautify and sanctify my spouse with words of encouragement and praise. And we'll have more to say about that later in the series. But when things are not going well, I have to take responsibility. I do not look for someone else to blame. I don't ask, what have you done? I don't say to God, the woman that you gave to be with me, she is the problem. No, if there is a problem in my relationship, I take responsibility for it. I may not have caused it, but I am called by God to do what I can to correct it. And that is the way that God addresses his people always and in every relationship. Some of you know this because we've sat down in counseling together, but when I counsel a couple, One of the things that I will tell them is that the Bible does not address me about how my wife should behave. It speaks to me about me. And I can't tell you how many couples I've sat down with where the husband will pull out Ephesians chapter five and say she's not submitting to me. Pastor, you need to make her do her part. Or she'll pull out Ephesians 5 and say, he's not loving me as Christ loved the church. Pastor, you need to make him do his part. You're looking at the wrong part of the passage. The Bible does not speak to me about my spouse's responsibility, it speaks to me about my own. That must always be our attitude. What does Paul say in Romans chapter 12? If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. He doesn't say, take the word of God to your brother and say, listen, you're supposed to be at peace and you are just impossible to live with. And I need you to get your act together and start doing what is necessary for us to have a positive relationship. He says, no, you be the peacemaker. You be the one taking the initiative. You be the one showing love. Treat others as you wish. They would treat you not as they are, not as they deserve to be. That's the rule for all relationships. There are terrible sins that may break a covenant marriage beyond repair, and I cannot control my spouse or his or her actions, but I am always responsible for my attitude and actions, always in every situation and circumstance. And that is how God addresses me. Look again at our sermon text in Colossians chapter 3. We are to live in marriage as those whose identity is grounded in God's electing and redeeming love. We are able to forgive and called to forgive because we have been forgiven. We are able to live in peace and called to be at peace with one another because we have peace with God in Christ. Our responsibility in this relationship, as in all others, is ultimately about our relationship with God. I am to live as a bondservant of Christ. Marriage is not about my spouse, it is about my Savior. And my duty above all is to him. My spouse does not have to prove herself to me. My love and acceptance does not depend on her daily compliance with my wishes. We both have to answer to God's holy standard. And I am responsible for myself, my attitude, my actions at all times. So how should I love my spouse? Well, that question is answered by asking how have I been loved by God in Christ? Does his love to me depend on me? Or does it depend upon his sovereign purpose and promise? Has he shown kindness to me insofar as I deserve it? Or has he lavished grace upon me because he is good even though I am not? You are to love as God has loved you. And be certain of this, you are not God in that relationship. We do not love because we are morally or spiritually superior. We love in this way because we know that we are not. We love our spouses because we are the undeserving sinners who have been loved this way by our bridegroom, Jesus Christ. It is not complicated. That doesn't mean it's easy to do. It means it's a very simple plan. Love one another as I have loved you, so you also should love one another. That's what Jesus says. And our task is by God's grace, with the help of His Spirit, pleading daily for what is necessary to be able to press on Our task is to take that principle and apply it in all of our relationships and certainly in our marriages.