Hello, as some of you may know, my name is Araceli Aguilera. I'm 50 years old, born and raised in Southern California, Los Angeles, to be exact. I generally write for a living, mostly researching and writing contracts, boring, boring documents, but I guess interesting to me. In law, you are taught and accustomed to write in brief, IRAC style, so it took numerous rewrites to do this. Be glad or else, as Pastor Ken said, it may have sounded more like a dissertation for a master's. Many people who know me will definitely say I have two personalities, the calm, corporate, ambitious, and dependable woman, and the emotional inner child that does not come out too often, unless you talk to Lalo. So when tasked to write about my journey to know and live righteously for God, I find it very difficult without getting emotional. In just recently coming to know and learn Reformed theology, my life is a true testimony that God does ensure what he starts, he completes. My testimony is a self-reflection of my futile attempts to know and understand God and the purpose of my existence. And by futile, I do mean futile, because until I learned that I had to fully submit mind, body, and soul completely to God, whom I cannot deny was already working in my life from day one, Then and only then did I find the peace I was aching for. One of my favorite quotes from scripture has always been Proverbs 3, 5 through 6, which states, trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your path. I would constantly throughout my life go back to this passage, but my stubborn mind and prideful heart would not allow it to speak to my heart. I cannot begin without first telling you a bit about myself, as context is always important in any narrative. I am first-generation American, as both my parents migrated from Mexico in their teens. My parents were married young and started a family. We were poor, and I remember the room I shared with my sister was the pantry in a one-bedroom back house, and my brother's crib was in my parents' room. I wish I could say that all I had was fond memories of my childhood, but I cannot. My parents believed that with hard work and strong discipline, they were being good parents, but they allowed their anger and frustration at life to be taken out on each other and their children. My dad was and is a degenerative gambler. Growing up, his anger would manifest in physical abuse towards my mom, me, and my siblings. To this day, I cannot stand seeing a woman or child be abused, as most of my childhood memories are of being beaten mercilessly with a belt, switch, extension cord, a band, a broom, anything my father or mother could get a hold of. I remember one night we were watching a Spanish movie, and the two men on screen were complaining about how here in America, you cannot discipline your children. You lay one hand on them, and they haul you off to jail. And under my breath, thinking no one was hearing, I said I am going to call the police. Next thing I felt was a blow to my head and my father telling me in Spanish, I brought you into this world, I can take you out, remember that. That was my childhood, a constant state of fear. However, as it relates to my testimony, one beautiful memory as a child that I do have was my mom reading the Holy Bible in Spanish, a Bible she purchased from a door salesman on layaway. I recall her sitting in the living room with my sister and brother and reading the stories of Adam and Eve, Noah, Abraham, Moses, Mary, and of course, Jesus Christ. All I understood were the basics, but that was enough for me. I fell in love with God. There is no memory in my life where God was not present. Even a promise of a gift or a trip was always God willing or God's will be done. As you can imagine, as a child of abusive parents, what I learned was when I was rewarded, I thought, boy, God must really love me. Thank you, thank you. But when I was punished, I would constantly think, why God? What did I do to you to deserve this? By God's grace, I was an avid reader, and even at a young age, I was obsessed with the lives of good and faithful Christians, praying that I would be like them, that God would make me strong like them. However, as a child, my supplication was, of course, for the wrong reason, based on a wrong understanding, a deterrence of punishment, which obviously did not work. Looking back, though, I know that if it were not for God, I would not have made it. I looked forward to school, catechism on Saturday mornings, attending church on Sunday, and as I got older, I delved more and more into my faith. I read biographies of all the saints and recalled wishing and praying that I could be like them, that God would find favor in me as he did with the saints. I clung to his promise of a better day, but not really knowing what that meant, all I knew is that I just had to hold on and buy my time. I obeyed my parents, did well in school, and pretty much kept to myself, hiding and escaping into the lives of others through books and television, though nothing I did made a difference with my dad. I know my mom escaped to her work. and did the best she could. And with her working, my dad felt less pressure money-wise, but the anger would come out on the days in the racetrack when he would lose all he had and did not have anything until the next paycheck. Needless to say, those weeks were torture. Nothing we did or said could prevent his abuse. We suffered in silence, believing that my parents did not love me. In my junior year of high school, something started changing. To everyone's surprise, I began to have questions concerning Roman Catholic doctrine and practice that was not supported by scripture, and began to ask questions for my religious teachers. I went to Catholic school since fifth grade, when mom started working, and then my parish priest. All I had heard about Protestants was that they were heretics. Remember, this was the time before the internet. So I did not have access like today to learn about anything and everything. How could this young lady that was so involved in mass and church choir and all the local parish activities be questioning the very foundation of our existence? I was as surprised as they. I remember being assigned St. Augustine's Confessions, and though I do not remember much about it, all I can say is that it resonated to me. I asked for clarifications, told my parish priest and teachers that all I wanted to do was understand and fix, at least in my mind, in my local level, all the problems I was seeing. Idolatry, the veneration of Mary, and later, the transubstantiation of the Eucharist. At the end, my parish priest called me a stupid child and kicked me out of his office. I was heartbroken. I felt like now God did not love me. By God's grace, a fellow softball team. invited me to her church, so I started attending in secret, lying to my parents where I was going. I attended one of Greg Laurie's harvest festivals in Anaheim Stadium, and accepted only Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and asked for his forgiveness for my prayers to Mary and the saints, and prayed to take away the hatred I had for my father. Unfortunately, the ramifications of this conversion was that to my parents, I might as well have said I was a Satanist or did not believe in God anymore because they did not understand. Again, because Roman Catholicism was the one and only true religion. To them, if we were not Catholic, we were not Christian. My mother disowned me. For most Latino Catholics, it goes hand in hand with our culture. She felt like I was denying her, and the only gift she gave me. So the solution was another beating. Maybe we would beat it out of her. Again, by God's grace, my life took a step to the next journey, the escape. The beginning of my sophomore year at college, I made the bold decision to move into student housing and away from my parents. This was just one other disappointment for them, leaving home out of wedlock, even though it was a result of getting a full dean scholarship and would not cost them a thing. I may as well have said I was leaving to become a prostitute on the streets, because in their eyes, that is what I had become, a sinner to the worst degree. Little did I know they were right in their thinking, not in their application. Because of my parents' strictness and isolation, the world was completely new to me, and I began having fun. I was still responsible, getting good grades because I loved learning. However, that was not the problem. Because my upbringing, my lack of understanding of the world, and my distrust of authority, I now know I rebelled. I saw myself as free and told God, OK, God, I am good now. I got this. That was the first of many mistakes. Despite knowing better, I fell to the temptations of the world and sin. Growing up Catholic, you are taught that sin is broken into two categories, mortal and venial sins. Mortal sins are grave offenses that sever our relationship with God and consequently cause a loss of sanctifying grace, such as murder, idolatry, adultery, and blasphemy. Anyone dying in a state of mortal sin would suffer eternal separation from God and Hell. Menial sins are lesser offenses that injure but do not destroy one's relationship with God, such as gossiping, lying, pride, coveting, drinking. I justified to myself that I was good so long as I did not commit a mortal sin. After all, I am still a good person and was not hurting others. God had bigger problems than me. But slowly it was separating me from God and the joy I had despite my horrible childhood. Looking back now, what I can say that it is easy to seek, follow, and obey God in an isolated bubble, for that is how my childhood was. But in this world, that was another story. My sinful life away from God as my center led me to surround myself with sinful people and situations, enjoying the pleasures of the world. I was enjoying getting drunk and having casual sex. It was a way of escaping and relaxing for the stresses of my life. living paycheck to paycheck and suffering from PCOS. I did not know that what God calls any heart that is not submitted to Jesus is sinful. I had become the greatest sinner of them all. I did not want to submit. I did not want to learn more about him. I was having too much fun. Somehow that word submit and the connotation it provided me, based on my life as a child, young adult, and to that point, quite frankly, was abhorrent to me. I wanted God's love and protection, but on my terms and my conditions, I was arrogant. When I met my ex-husband, I told myself I just need to get married. That will be the solution, but my ex was not a believer, something I thought I could change. In our early years of marriage, I discovered that because of my PCOS, I was infertile. This was the last blow. I became angry with God. He had in my mind delivered the last blow. I blamed him for all the shortcomings and misery in my life. I became depressed, anxious, and felt unworthy of any love. I became numb. Numb to a husband that was a perpetual cheater, drinker, and an addict to pornography. Numb to caring about my friends and loved ones. Instead of running to God, I ran from him. I delved into my career, for that was the only good thing I saw in my life. Why? Because I felt I could control that. I worked long days, received promotions and accolades, but I had no joy. I would go back and forth to Catholic Church out of obligation and believing that all churches were at the end all the same. I felt defeated and lost. This was my existence for the next 20 years. From 25 to 45, I began hanging around more and more with my ex-husband's friends and allowing him to drag me into his sinful life. Shy of adultery, I never cheated or was disrespectful in that manner to my ex, but I did begin to drink again in my late 30s while hanging around them, for it was the only way I could tolerate the stupidity that had become my life. I had no purpose. Then one day in 2018, I was struck another blow. Literally. I got into an argument with my ex-husband, asking him why I was not good enough for him. Why didn't he love me? Why was I so terrible and disgusting to him that he turned around and hit me? He beat me worse than my dad had ever beaten my mom or his children. The house was a crime scene. Blood in the bedroom and the bathroom. He had taken all his anger out on me. Police arrived, but by then my ex-husband had left. I had reached the end of my despair. This was my punishment for putting my hopes, dreams, joys in another man. This time, instead of asking why, I went back to the Lord and asked him to make my life better, to save me from this one thing again, to save my marriage. But asking God to save me from one thing and not the root was the problem. I again wanted God's love and protection, but on my terms and my conditions. It took a year of realizing that God was calling me back. But this time, by the grace of God, I realized I needed the Spirit of the Lord to do it for me. I needed to repent. I needed to care about God and His wishes. I began to realize that asking for God to remove the temptation and what I perceived as a problem was not, in fact, the problem. I needed to give it up to God and pray for the ability to turn away from it because of Jesus' love for me. At this moment, God made me realize my purpose, that God made me for himself, all was made for him. My heart, body, and soul was made for him and it was not for me to control. The creator, all-wise, all-powerful, everlasting, unchanging perfection was in control. Despite all my flaws and shortcomings, always believing I was never worthy of any meaningful love because of all I had gone through in my life, I realized at that moment that I was made for someone who is worthy. We are born believing a lie, a lie that we are our own to do as we please, not belonging to anyone or anything. But when God made me remember that Jesus, this land, died for my impurities, for it all, how could I not love and follow him and make him again the center of my life? He would see me through again. I realized that when he left this world, he left to help her, to help against the temptations, because the temptations are always there, and to help during the troublesome times. So I placed it all on him. Rosaria Champagne Butterfield said in her testimony, I had to be destroyed before the Lord built me back up. That true Christian conversion always comes in exchange for the life you once loved, not in addition to it. I had been destroyed. I learned that the conversion that is relevant in the Bible is from a heart that was at enmity with God to a heart that is at peace with God. Regeneration makes a new head for knowledge, a new heart, and new affections for holiness. 2 Corinthians 517. What this meant to me was I had to let go of all my life, not just the bad, and place it all in his hands. Until I saw that salvation is of the Lord alone, not a cooperation of man and God, I would not be saved. If anyone is to be saved, Jesus must grant everything we need for salvation, including a new heart to believe. I learned that the Trinity works in harmony to bring about the salvation of his elect. The Father elects us in Christ, the Son redeems the same, and the Holy Spirit applies regeneration to all those the Father has given the Son. The gospel indeed goes out to all people who hear it, but in the stubbornness of people's hearts, no one, left to themselves, responds to this outward call. So in love, God extends mercy to a multitude of ill-deserving rebel sinners by opening their blind eyes. For he says to Moses, I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion. If anyone is to be saved, it is not because someone naturally has a good will, was more humble, was more wise, and someone else did not, but because Christ saved them. If someone trusts in Christ, it is because He, Christ, gave them a good will that they might believe the gospel's call. No one believes the gospel apart from effectual workings of the Holy Spirit. I came to realize from the scriptures that for by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing. It is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no man may boast. I had to be destroyed from my own thoughts and self-centered view, and it was not until God took mercy on me that I realized it. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and asking God why my life was so hard, he changed my perspective. and I realized that my difficult life was actually God's mercy and love for me. It was then that I truly became a Christian, for what is a Christian? One who, by the grace of God, can declare that he justly deserves the wrath of God, save for the mercy of Jesus Christ alone. He casts aside all hope in his self-righteousness and puts away all pride in his own goodness. One who is glad to be regarded as spiritually bankrupt, saved by the grace and righteousness of Christ, and by the sheer mercy of God, has been granted a grateful heart which yields in allegiance to him alone as Lord and Sovereign. In a word, one who glories in Christ Jesus and has no confidence in the flesh. One day, the words, I want a divorce, came out of my mouth. My ex was unwilling, but God left him no choice. Again, my parents were not happy, yet despite their disappointment, I was OK. For now, I had God again. When I met Lalo six months later, it was through God that out of my mouth came the words to him, if you don't believe in God and do not want to go to church and learn with me, this will not work. It was through God that Lalo said yes. It was through God that led me to a tattoo artist that began to talk to me about Reformed theology during our seven-hour sessions and made me curious about it. It was through God that we came to Sovereign Grace Baptist Church, to a community of believers that have welcomed us into their family, the family of God. to provide the fellowship that I was always missing, and to allow me to deeply search the scriptures together and pray over them with a growing dependence and zeal, showing me to not just scratch the surface of Holy Scripture, but revealing its hidden treasures. It was through God that I learned the true meaning of a kind, loving, and gentle Father. In writing and rewriting my testimony, I came across Psalm 73, which I would like to read in closing because it sums up what I hope to have conveyed. Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For they have no pangs until death. Their bodies are fat and sleek. They are not in trouble as others are. They are not stricken like the rest of mankind. Therefore, pride in their necklace, violence covers them as garment. Their eyes swell out through fatness. Their hearts overflow with follies. They scoff and speak with malice. Loftily, they threaten up oppression. They set their mouths against the heavens and their tongues strut through the earth. Therefore his people turn back to them and find no fault in them. And they say, how can God know? Is there knowledge in the Most High? Behold, these are the wicked, always at ease. They increase in riches. All in vain have I kept my heart clean and washed my hands in innocence. For all the day long I have been stricken and rebuked every morning. If I had said I will speak thus, I would have betrayed the generation of your children, but when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God, that I discerned their end. Truly you set them in slippery places, you make them fall to ruin, how they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terror. Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms. When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant. I was like a beast towards you. Nevertheless, I am continuing with you. You hold my right hand, you guide me with your counsel, and afterwards you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. for behold those who are far from you shall perish you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you but for me it is good to be near god i have made the lord god my refuge that i may tell all of your works all glory to god and how wonderful it is to submit Well, my name is Eduardo Gonzalez. I'm the baby of my family. I grew up spoiled, have basically two moms. But as a very young age, when I used to go to school, had a hard time learning. So by that fact, I was bullied. And then I was terrorized by my oldest brother. So I became a loner. not wanting to go to school. I know that doesn't make sense. You go to school to learn. But in order not to be bullied, I miss a lot of school. So that's how I grew up. So at a very young age, my summer times would be my dad had a gardening service. So I started going summer times. And he would send me with my brothers. They were, They used to scream at me and just hurry up. So I learned how to work fast, and in a short time, I was able to learn something. So I felt a little good about myself because since an early age, since I remember since elementary, I hated myself. Didn't know why. Like I said, I was a baby, I was cuddled, but something in my head, I just wasn't happy. So that's how I grew up. Once I turned 17, I started work full-time as a gardener and then started to go out. At a very young age, I started to drink when not so young, 1920. Then drugs will follow. You know, then I would meet my first wife. It was a toxic relationship. Both drank, both did drugs. And I was just a terrible husband, just. Then my son would be born in 98 and nothing would change. She would come down a little bit, you know, but I continued the same, not caring, not, you know, it was, I continued my ways. I never cheated on her. My refuge was alcohol and drugs because I just wanted to be numb to the world. We lasted about two, two and a half years together. Then I became a weekend dad, which, you know, I I was mostly out of his life. And the weekends I had him, I just handed it off to my mom and just waited till Sunday to take him back. And that's how it went for several years, several years. And everything would change in September 18. Twenty ten were I did so much drugs in a short amount of time that I fell in bed unable to get up. And I stayed there for a couple of days and then went back to work. By this time I was working at a company where my brother was a supervisor. So he's an AA member and he sent me this guy who I had met several years back. And, you know, I knew him already and kind of started to tell him about my problems about drinking. And he suggested, why don't you go to AA? It took me a couple of days or a week or two, you know, and so I decided to go. And on my way there, I started to cry, you know, because I knew, I knew for whatever reason, that I wasn't going to drink or use drugs again. That was saying goodbye to a 15-year relationship. I know it was a toxic relationship. I know it took more away from me than it gave me. But that was the longest relationship I had at the moment. So I started to go. And in AA, they do teach you about a higher power. And you can give it any name you want because it's not religious. It's whoever you want. So they, you know, it was a Mexican one, so they start to go, God, you know. By this point, I'm already 35. The only knowledge I have of God is, well, he's a creator. He knows everything. But I've never asked him for anything at this point. You know, he wasn't, he wasn't part of my thoughts. But I continue going. It took me a couple of days to get up because they have similar, and so it took me a couple of days and I got up in front of everybody, as much as like right here, just a smaller room, and started to talk about my life, like right now, and about my feelings, like right now, you know? A kid that was shy to read in front of class, and I was just talking, It was a blur that first time, you know, but I do remember ending it with, this always gets me. Why do I hate myself? I didn't know why. I still don't. But I continue on going and You know, still wanting to use, still wanting to use. Every night, midnight, one o'clock in the morning, I used to wake up covered in sweat and pace outside and just wanting to go until one day, I was like, okay, God, I know that you know me. I know that you know my life and I know that what I'm going through, But just please don't let me take that five-minute walk. Because that's all it took, five minutes walk, so I can go get more drugs. And I didn't realize it at the time that he was already working. But that was my... my schedule, work, group, wake up middle of the night, ask God. And it went on for months. I never complained. Well, I did complain about wanting to go, but I never complained to God about why are you taking this urge away from me? It's just, just repeat and repeat. Until one day after several months, after coming back home from work, I felt the urge that I no longer desired alcohol and drugs. And I started to cry. I even pulled over because I couldn't see. And at that moment, I went, thank you, God. I got it from here. I know it was in time. He knew. But I continue on going to the group, continue on working with myself and see how much I was broken, didn't know why, just kind of started to hear myself about the things I was complaining about and the things I was mad about. Everything started to fall in place. I got a better relationship with my son before he went to the army. So that was good. And then things would change again on March of 2019, where I met this amazing and beautiful woman. And she was smart. And she was interested in me. I was like, what's wrong with her? Well, I'm going to find out. But a couple weeks later, she became my girlfriend. I did ask. And then we will live in sin for a bit until we will find this church, our church. And thanks to the pastors here, as of June 30 of 2023, I could call her my wife. Now looking back at everything, I know that God has always been there for me. I know that it took me a while. I know he was patient. I know that God gave me two great parents, a family that's always been there for me. God gave me a son that only by the grace of God, he doesn't hate me. God took away the urges of me for drinking alcohol and he's been doing it already for 13 years in county. God brought me a wonderful woman to my life that I can call my wife now. And to put the cherry on top of the cake, he has brought me here to learn more about his word and meet you all wonderful people. So I would like to close this by my wife got scripture, I like movies. So this is from a movie called Tombstone. You've seen it. Bill Paxson says this. If God was able to create all this and still managed to do a speck like me, it's flattering. Every day I step out of the house at 3.30 in the morning and I look to my surroundings and I think about that. If God is able to make all of this, all the universe, and He has so much going on, and yet, He still has time for me. You know, I'm flattered. So, thank you, God. Amen.