And we're going to be looking here, as Paul said, at the area of Christlike communication and conflict resolution. And there are a few things to begin with, looking at your notes. One of the first things is just the context, remembering the context as we looked at Joe and Susan this morning. how they wanted to jump. I mean, people want to jump and try to help them in chapter five. But really, the context of communication is, again, the gospel of Jesus Christ, the purpose to glorify God. And as you go through who we once were, who we now are in Christ, the church. And that's very important because even in one of the first things in communication is to speak truth. And this is because we're members of one another. So you just see the themes of the gospel truths running right through. Ephesians four through six. So just remembering the context, we're talking about believers. When we go to the principles in Ephesians four, and that's where we're going to be turning to. I'm turning there and I know that you will be turning there. Ephesians four, there are a lot of helpful things about speech. As we walk in a worthy manner, pleasing to the Lord. Chapter 4, we now, if we're in Christ, we're to walk in a manner that pleases him. So these are some principles and they revolve around communication, many of them in Ephesians 4. And we don't want to miss relationships, the whole emphasis on relationships when we're communicating. It's about how do I love this person? This is a neighbor. I mean, technically second commandment. Greatest commandment is to love my neighbor. And we don't want to miss the area of relationships. Sometimes we're so exact on things. Well, I told them the truth. Yeah, but it was truth without grace. And it was harsh. And now it's kind of put a major damper on the whole relationship. So relationships are more important than non relationship stuff. And to remember that. As we go through the area of communication and conflict resolution, we don't want to miss the heart. Proverbs 4, 23, to guard it with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life. And these are things you don't while you have these points in your notes. The heart is mission control center. It's the real you. It's the inner man. We have a Western view of the heart being a Valentine's emotional factory. But not not with a biblical mindset, whether it's Hebrew or Greek, it's it's more between your ears than it is in your chest. The goal, again, is to glorify God and making sure we're seeking to glorify him, to love him and love our neighbor. And so the heart, just a good reminder of what goes on in the heart. This is going to probably look a little strange the way it's coming out. We have our thinking, which is huge. in the inner man, what I think. And that's where it all kind of begins, and that's why even in the epistles, it starts with right doctrine, right theology before right living. You can't live right if you don't think right. So orthodoxy before orthopraxy, as they say. Very important to find out what a person's thinking, what they believe, and correct that. And then affections tack on. You know, a thought pops in your mind and you go, oh, I would really like that. And so your affections kind of come in and then you choose, you make choices and they all sort of work. And then I want more and then I think more and then I want to choose more. And so they're all working on there. And then we're thankful for the Jesus Christ and the gospel that by grace, through faith, we're saved. God graces us with saving faith. And that faith is to grow in our love for God, a knowledge of Him and our love for Him, and also to express itself in our love for others, our neighbor. Just a good reminder of why it's so important when we're ministering to people, even in our own life, the change process, that we should be asking ourselves, what am I wanting? What am I thinking? Because there's nothing deeper in the heart than that. There's no subconscious in the lives of God's creation. That's a Freudian thing. Freud was saying there's something deeper here. Yeah, the Bible says it's the heart. But don't don't talk about your subconscious and things, I just don't even know what's going on. You do know. Slow down and ask yourself, what am I wanting? What am I thinking? And God's word is sharp. It's a two edged sword and it goes right to the depth of the heart. And it's a discernment between the thoughts and the intentions of the heart, the thoughts and the motives of the heart. And then being those when we all once were here at one point, but when we were unsaved, the Bible called the old man. Our thoughts, affections and choices revolved around who? Can you see that back there? Yeah. Self. And towards God, we suppress the truth about God. We weren't ever seeking after God, the true God of Scripture ever. Unless God starts that work, and so we are unbelief towards God. And we're involved, my wife and I, in a few evangelistic situations with different people, and it's really interesting how the unsaved person will be asking all kinds of questions that if you answered them, they wouldn't understand it anyway. Right. The unsaved mind doesn't even understand the things of God. And 1 Corinthians 2. And it would just be another question after that. Another question after that. It's a moral problem that they have in their life. Not an evidential kind of thing. It's just where are they at with God. Their sin before a holy God. And just talk about them and their sin and God's grace and forgiveness. And don't go on all these trails and they want to take you down. And sometimes we get carried away with them and go, wait a minute, go back to them and God and their need for a savior. So the old man, Second Corinthians five, 15 puts it this way, that he died for all that they who that they who live should no longer live for themselves. A description of an unbeliever, they live for their own advantage. But it says but live for him who died. Barry rose again on their behalf. It's important we realize that unsaved people are just extremely selfish. They live for themselves. Everything about themselves. We shouldn't expect Christian behavior out of an unsaved individual. And that even goes for children who are unsaved and be really careful there. They live only for themselves. You pray. It's one of the greatest desires of a parent is the salvation of their children. But it cannot be your goal. You can't save them. My parents prayed for us on their knees. I remember I saw my dad on his knees, my mom on her knees every night, at least if they went to bed somewhere around where I did. They're praying for us, for our salvation. Four boys. My oldest brother was saved at age 40. My next brother saved at age 27, before he died at 29 with cancer. I was saved at age 18 out of the home in a boarding school by my choice, because I wanted to get away from the light. That's why a lot of children in homes of pastors and missionaries get so rebellious, because the light is real bright at home. I talk about Jesus all the time and you don't want to hear about Jesus. You want to get away. And I did. I want to get away. God put me in a boarding school for Christian teens with a Christian roommate. And God saved me. And then my other brother, maybe in his teens, but more likely in his 20s before, you know, long before he took his life. So my parents, I know this is a parenting thing. Comment I'm making. Evangelism for sure for parents Christian parents evangelism is for sure because they all come unsaved. Discipleship maybe. Discipleship maybe. You can't disciple the lost. You can teach the lost. Right. The instruction of the Lord. We're going to teach them about Christ. were to discipline training of them as unto the Lord for his glory. I can't save kids. You can't either. And it may be that you're teaching your shepherding. You can shepherd even the lost. But you can't disciple a loss. And it may be in our my parents situation. They were faithful evangelists, faithful teachers and trainers. But they couldn't disciple us. We weren't saved. And after I got saved and I went to college, my dad was a prof there at the time. We hung out. I'd come by and he just welcomed me in all the time and he stopped everything he was doing. We talk and he tried to help. So he discipled me later. And I just want to encourage you. I mean, so many parents in here realizing that when children are born, they live only for themselves. And they may end up in God's providence and God's plan to live that way all your parenting years as far as in your home. And it may not be what did you do wrong. You may be really faithful as a parent. There's no guarantee for the salvation of your children. Right. Because God has mercy on him. He has mercy and compassion on whom he has compassion. This has to be careful on how we look at the whole area of parenting. So that's I just wanted to mention that is because that's a very real thing and very probably the greatest desire we have for our children is that they come to know Christ and love him as we do. But we all once were there old man living for ourselves unbelief towards God and then God graced us with salvation to respond to the gospel. And now we're called a new man in Christ a new creature in Christ. Now we live for the advantage, not perfectly, but habitually live for the advantage of Christ. Our thoughts, our motives and all the affections are from the Spirit, anything good. And so Edwards calling them holy affections, that God has placed in us a will, both in us the will, the desire and the will to do it. And then towards God, we grow in our faith. More and more to know God and love him. Just a good reminder again, as we set out to communicate, who am I communicating with? Am I communicating with a believer or an unbeliever? And it's very helpful. I shouldn't expect all these principles to be coming out and being used by an unsaved individual. But with a new creature in Christ and to grow in that, so it's just a good reminder again, Now, we're going to look at Ephesians 4, and this is in light of the truths of the old man and now the new man. If you'll turn with me, Ephesians chapter 4. And it says there's a way to walk and there's a way not to walk. Verse 17, don't walk like the Gentiles do. And the futility of their minds. But as it comes down further, the verse 22. To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God and true righteousness and holiness. So, you have sort of the old man, be renewed now in the spirit of your minds and in light of who we are to be. I mean, we are this in Christ. We have been put off and put on the new or created after the likeness of God and true righteousness and holiness. Now, here's how it flushes out. The putting off and putting on. Especially in the area of communication, because we get into really bad habits. Habits that we've been maybe involved with since we were really young. God is not into stopping habits. He's into replacing them by the help of the Spirit. You say, well, you know what? I cut people down, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. Well, that does nothing about changing your heart. And you will find in many different avenues where they counsel people, support groups, it's usually in stopping things. I want to stop taking drugs. I want to stop drinking alcohol. And in many of those support groups, it's all into stopping a certain habit. But the gospel of Christ takes us, well, you can repent. That means to turn. And now by faith, put on this instead. Renew your mind on it and heart. So it's from the heart out. But it's not just stopping things. It's going in the right direction and doing what's right. It's replacing habits, not just stopping things. And so in verse 25, he says, therefore, Having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor for members of one another. So when is a liar not a liar? Yeah, I mean, that's true. That is the right answer. But usually we think when they're not lying. No, then they're just between lines. They're no longer a liar when they are a truth teller. When they're doing the opposite. So when is an adulterer not an adulterer? When they're not committing adultery. No. It's when they are pure and devoted to their spouse only. It's not stopping. It's replacing. And so what we have here are these helpful principles as we go through. The first is be honest in God's family. Speak the truth to one another. Don't be deceitful. Now, it is a command there. Speak. Speak the truth. People can't read your mind except God. Some people think they have that ability, but they don't. It's called it's a sin called presumption. I know what you're thinking. No, you don't. You can take a guess and you might be right, but you do not have the incommunicable attribute of omniscience. But we need to speak. This is a little story here of two people that weren't speaking and what happened. So just listen along here. This. This couple. Roger is the guy. Elaine's the girl. So Roger asked a woman named Elaine out to a movie. She accepts and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later, he asked her out to dinner and again, they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly and soon neither is seeing anyone else. Then one evening when I'm driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine. She says, Do you realize that we've been seeing each other for exactly six months? Silence fills the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself, wow, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he feels confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation. Roger's thinking, oh, six months. Elaine is thinking, but hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Are we heading towards marriage, towards children, to a lifetime together? Am I ready for this level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? Roger's thinking. So that was February when we started going up, which was right after I had the car at the dealers, which means let me check the odometer. Well, I'm way overdue for an oil change. Elaine is thinking he's upset, I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he sees my reservations. That's it. He's afraid of being rejected. Roger's thinking, I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say. It's still not shifting right. They better not try to blame it on cold weather this time. It's 87 degrees out. This thing is shifting like a garbage truck. And I pay those incompetent thieving cretins $600. Elaine is thinking he's angry and I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty putting him through this, but I just can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. Rogers thinking now they're probably going to say 90 day warranty. That's what they're going to say. Elaine is thinking maybe I'm too idealistic waiting for a night to come riding up on his white horse when I'm sitting next to a perfectly good person who's in pain. because of my self-centered schoolgirl fantasy. Roger's thinking, warranty? I'll give him a warranty. Roger, Elaine says aloud. What, says Roger. I'm such a fool, Elaine says, sobbing. I mean, I know there's no knight and there's no horse. There's no horse, says Roger. You think I'm a fool, don't you, Elaine says. No, Roger says, glad to know the correct answer. It's just that I need some time, Elaine says. There's a 15 second pause while Roger tries to come up with a safe response. Yes, he finally says. Elaine deeply moved, touches his hand. Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way? What way? That way about time, Elaine says. Oh, says Roger, yes. Elaine gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last, she says, Thank you, Roger. Thank you, he responds. Then he takes her home and she lies on her bed, a conflicted soul weeping until dawn. Whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he just opens a bag of chips, turns on the and becomes deeply involved in a rerun of the tennis match between two Czech players he's never even heard of. A tiny voice in his mind, though, tells him something major is going on back there in that car, but he figures it's better not to think about it. The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend and they will talk for six straight hours. Painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said. They will continue to discuss the subject for weeks. Never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Roger playing racquetball one day with a friend of both his and Elaine's will pause just before serving and ask, Hey Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse? If we don't communicate, we're in some deep trouble, right? And you have there some definitions of Communication, I put down some, both there from Wayne Mack and my attempt at that. It's so important that we talk. Now, when I got when we got married, my wife and I, I didn't talk much. I had a fear of man, and I know it's going to be hard for some of you to believe this. This is God's grace in my life. I wouldn't talk in front of people. I just wouldn't do it. I was all the words were timid, shy, introverted and then low self-esteem. I mean, just all those terms. I just wouldn't do it. And then God saved me. I mean, I could talk to someone one on one, but not in a group. Then God saved me, I still didn't talk in front of people, I turned down every opportunity that meant I would have to get up in front of people, even sharing my testimony, which I grieve at that squandered many opportunity that God opened up. because I was fearful of what people thought of me. Fear of man. It's a snare. And I just gave into it all through my college days. Us four years being a believer and even saying announcements for our soccer team, you know, we're going to be practicing down on the field. I wouldn't get up in a class and say that. It was bad. I mean, it was fear of man on steroids. It was idolatrous. It was worshipping myself and what people thought rather than worshipping God. So I avoided everything. I would not take pre-seminary classes because then you have to preach in front of people. So then I went to seminary to learn more of God's word. And the first semester was I had to speak. I had to preach for 10 minutes. I mean, it was a homiletics lab. I couldn't sleep the night before. I had every twitching movement you can imagine shaking my head. I just had everything. It was what going on. And they were marking me off and I haven't even started. They were grading me. And I haven't even started speaking yet. It was it was bad. But God had to use that situation and he did by confronting my pride, confronting my it was more about what people thought of me than what they thought of Christ. And many times in the area of the speaking, is, why don't you talk more? And in husband-wife relationships, not always, but typically, there's a quiet one and a more vocal one. They seem to attract. That was true of us. Zandra was very social, very outgoing, and I was laid back. But that I needed to start speaking, but speaking truth and grace. When Zondre asked, how'd your day go? Saying more than OK or fine. Opening up my life more about what I was thinking and wanting. You can't grow close. And I would say you can't really glorify God by not speaking. We need to talk and we have the message of the gospel is one thing, but how do you build up one another and not speak? How do you disciple someone and not speak? And I think many a time we just we're more concerned about ourselves than talking. And so like with Roger and Elaine, we assume we know what everybody's thinking and doing, but we need to talk and quiet people. You need to draw them out. Just need to draw them out. So if you're if you're more the vocal one and your husband or wife or more of the quiet one, you need to draw them out. Don't just talk all the time because it's quiet and They're fine with it. No, I'm going to be less quiet. I'm going to ask you questions to draw you out. We need to help people speak the truth. Because we're members of one another, but it is a command. And we're supposed to speak the truth and put off all falsehood. There's different forms of falsehood. Blatant lies. That's one form of falsehood. Like the sun shining. No, it's not. Well, that's just not true. So there's a blatant lie, but then there's other forms of lying. We catch this in the courtroom when they say, do you promise to tell the truth versus a complete lie? And then there's a couple other questions they ask. The whole truth. Half truths are a lie. And then what else? Nothing. but the truth. And you add to the truth, it becomes a lie. And so these different areas of adding to the truth would be exaggeration. Like if I just saw you walk down and sit down and I said, you know, you came in angrily. No, you didn't. Well, I added something to the truth and it's a lie. So you have to watch what we say and especially the exaggeration terms. You never. You always. I've told you a million times. Those kind of words. Everyone. Everyone does this. Or only this person. Just watch those. That can turn something and provoke people to anger. And it's not true. I used to I couldn't figure out why my son got angry with me when I went to him and said, you just never clean up your room. He got angry. I said, what are you angry about? I should be the one angry. And then the little voice behind me, the anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness of God, was a woman's voice. I went, OK, I'm not to get angry. And then when I said, Mark, why are you angry? And I heard a voice behind me again, a woman. You said never. I look at Mark, I said, Mark. Are you angry, upset because I said never clean up your room? He goes, yep. So you remember four years ago on April 5th when you cleaned it up, he goes, yeah, there's been a few times. So if I said, Mark, most of the time you're not cleaning up your room. Yeah, I know, Dad. I didn't tell the truth, though. You follow that it's a it's a way that we can provoke people around us, husbands and wives will provoke you're never on time. Well, unless you've been counting every single time for everything in this person's life, it's a lie. You just have to be so guarded with those words for emphasis because it takes it into the realm of not telling the truth. And it will, it will provoke the other person to anger, whether it's a wife or husband. So we're supposed to speak the truth, the truth of God, the truth about the situation to one another, putting away all falsehood. And to speak it lovingly. Now, this is with grace, speak the truth with grace, speak the truth with love or in love and verse 15. Where it talks about rather speaking the truth and love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head into Christ. We are to be concerned with several things here about speaking truth lovingly and. And I can't I don't want to pose our or impose our sort of how we are, my wife and I, on you all as couples, many of you as couples. But I'm sort of like right for the truth. And she just drips with mercy. So there's no question about what I say. But with her, it's so nice. But what are you trying to say? So there's a blend there we need. And I need to speak the truth Because truth without love or in love and without grace is very harsh. Be so guarded on that. Even write truth, but you just shoot it out and it's not with grace and compassion. It's really hard to swallow. And she's just have mercy and she'll talk all around. And she says what she needs to say, but it's just so nice and wordy that you're going, So what's the issue? But you aren't angry with her because she's just drips with grace and mercy. When I was growing up, my parents had I had numerous ear infections. And so my mom would have these penicillin antibiotic and it was tablets. There wasn't the cherry flavored and grape flavored and banana, you know, like they have today. It was just this white pill. And she said, here, you need to take this. I'd gag on it if she just gave me the pill. But she grinded up and put it in a spoon of jelly. I know what jelly looks like, but this was white stuff in the jelly. And she said, take it. And so I did. The jelly did nothing for my infection. Nothing. Probably made it worse, maybe if it was by itself. What I needed was that antibiotic. That's truth. We need truth. But grace is the jelly, it's if there's grace with the truth, if there's love with the truth that makes it going down easier still can be hard, but it's easier. Love and grace without the truth is just dripping with, you know, I'm your friend, but I'm not helping you at all about the situation. So it's a good reminder. Speak the truth lovingly. So here are several things, and I don't know if they're in your notes or not. Be concerned with what you say. These are like guards, these questions, they'll help you from error. Because life and death are in the power of the tongue. Right. Proverbs 18, 21, death and life are in the power of the tongue. I can encourage you or I can really hurt you. So be concerned with what you say, that it's truth. That it's wholesome and it's building you up. Also, be concerned how you say it. And this would be in love. With grace. I really love you, and this is why I'm bringing this up. Our volume, the volume of our voice, the intensity, the rate of speech, all of that helps with the manner in which we say what we say. Be concerned with how much you say. Some people over talk, they just, too much. You ask the time, they tell you how a watch is built. And when my profs call it the ever ready mouth, it just keeps going and going and going. Be concerned with when you say it. There's a right time to say things like apples of gold and setting of silver is a word properly spoken. It's there's a right time for bringing up subjects. You don't get to the church and then tell your wife, you know, I'm not sure I care for what you're wearing today. What is she supposed to do with that? And is that really shared out of love? And, you know, some things wait till you're home. Wait. This is not the right time. I remember my son left his bicycle out in the driveway one time and I was like, that is it. I almost had I mean, I did have the thought of just running over the bike. Which wasn't spirit filled thinking. But I parked the car and rather than picking up the bike, I'm just going right in the house. I'm going to say, OK, Mark, I'm Mark. This is going to be you're going to get the bike sort of taken away for a while until you can learn to be responsible. I'm rehearsing it real fast in my mind as I open up the door. And I looked in, I saw him and he doesn't cry much, but he was weeping. He was in high school and my wife was sitting there with him. And I went, this probably isn't the right time. to talk about the bike. And it wasn't. There was something else going on. Someone had really, in many ways, betrayed him at school and he didn't know how to quite deal with it. Zonder was helping him. There's a right time. Be concerned with when you say it. So those are guards. You know, David said, you know, set a guard over my mouth. Keep watch over the door of my lips. These are guards. These will help you. Be concerned with what you say, how you say it, how much you say, when you say it and even where you say it. And become a skilled listener, which is all part of communication. Communication isn't just talking, it's listening as well. Are you really hearing what they're saying? Can you repeat back about what they're saying and how well are we listening? Proverbs 18, to a fool does not Delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind. A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind. So become a skilled listener. I mean, we've already looked at that. Let me see here. OK, this is the second. It's in verses 26 and 27. It's a very another very helpful Point on communication, first speak the truth, right? Out of love, speak the truth. And then verses 26 and 27, be angry and do not sin. Literally, it's you're being provoked. Don't sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil. It's not a command to be simply angry or commanded in verse 31, put off all anger and wrath. But it's more you're being provoked. It's a passive verb. It's something's acting on an individual. You're being provoked. Don't sin. And if you do, I mean, obviously the next part is then don't let the sun go down on your anger. Because the devil is right there. When you're angry, we usually sin more, don't we? When we're angry, we usually sin more. We'll say things, we'll do things that we wish we could reel them back in. Dr. MacArthur says, well, when you send like that in your anger, it's like blowing a dandelion. You can't recover all the pieces. The damage is done. That's why I don't sit down and email someone right back or text someone right back when there's something that offended you. Pray, wait. You're being provoked, do not send, don't let the sun go down, give no opportunity to the devil. This is a Sort of a principle of communication, don't sin when you're being provoked. And if you do, keep current. Keep current. Often what you'll find is people say there's a wall between us, right? In our relationship, there's a wall between us. That's one brick of sin not dealt with at a time. Sin by nature separates. It's what happened with God and Adam and Eve in the garden. Sin by nature is anti-relational, and it separates. You say, well, I'll just forget it. I'll ignore it. You don't ignore sin. You all cover it. You cover it when you've dealt with it. You don't cover sin before, you cover it at the end. When it's all done and dealt with, then it's covered. It's a word for atonement. And so there's a process you can even go through of asking questions if I clearly sin. And that would have to be the issue. It's not a preference issue, wisdom issue, conscience issue. It's clear violation of God's word. Let's say I say something very harsh, hurtful, unedifying to my wife. Well, the first thing that she would do is and I'm saying when she's spirit filled, we're both, you know, going in that direction, is she would pray for me. And then she would think through her own life, is there something I did to provoke him? And if the answer is no, I didn't do anything to provoke him. She would then ask me a question. Did I hear you say what you said? Questions prick the conscience. That's what they did. Questions will prick the conscience. Did you say what I thought you said? Now that right there for most believers who want to love Jesus, that's all you need. There's really no admonishment. Just ask the question, first pray, get your own heart right, then ask the question, did you say what I thought you said? And to a believer who really does want to love Christ and grow in Christ's likeness, they go, yeah, I did. Please forgive me that that was not right. It was not edifying. And from now on, by God's grace, I want to say things that build you up. Please forgive me. It's done. No admonishment at all needed there. Now, someone goes, yeah, I did and I meant it. Oh. That's that's you don't want to you don't you don't want to keep going down this road. I mean, you may have to. That's hard. That's a believer who said something really harsh and unedifying and says, I know what I said and I meant it. This is someone who is not right now controlled by the spirit going in this Christ-like direction. But let's say I said that. Yep, I did. I know it. I meant it. Then it's not to come right back, it's just pray. The spirit bring conviction. Convict his conscience. He knows the word. He knows that's wrong. If I don't deal with it and time goes on, Then it's a matter of bringing up the word the scripture. I ask you a question. Is that what you hear what you said. Yep. And I meant it. Well now I'm going to bring up the scriptures. Do you know. I know you know Ephesians 4 29 which God says let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth. But only such is that edifying and builds up the hearer. I don't care what the word says. I mean, if someone you know, there's something deeper going on than what he just said, this is this is a hard attitude that there's something more serious going on. But still, that's the proper process. And if you have someone and you just give it some time, don't be the Holy Spirit right there, just give it some time, pray. And if this person will not acknowledge their sin, clear sin, It says, yeah, I know what I said and I know it violates God's word and I don't care. Well, then I'm going to bring someone else, someone else needs to come in and help us. If I had that mentality. Coming in, help us. Resolve this thing as quickly as possible, I mean, don't let the sun, it's just if you leave in Alaska, it doesn't mean you wait six months until the sun comes back up. It's just be quick to deal with it. Then you go, well, this sounds like Matthew 18. That's the spirit that we ought to have of dealing with sin in our relationships and in the church. That we don't want anything to come, clear sin to come between us and go undealt with. And they don't look for sin. I mean, you're not a sin hunter. It's just when it happens, it goes right across your path and go, oh, I want to do this. I want to love the person for God's glory. You say, well, my skin's thick, I can take it. It's not about this thickness of your skin. It's about God's glory. And the good of the other person and their sanctification. That's happened one time in my life where it's went to this degree one time. If you have people in your life that love you and won't let you get away with sin. You'll you'll end up sinning less, not more. And you don't do this all day long. I don't live with an unbeliever. You don't even go to them about all their sin either. People go, oh, if you are going to deal with sin, you could do it all day long with your spouse. I don't know who you married, but my wife does not sin all day long, and I don't either, against each other. We sin in our mind and just confess to God, but when actions come out, and there was one, and it dealt with our son. He's got a major disability with brain impairment, and we were just locking horns, my wife and I, It's like I was going with his his sin and the nature. And she was siding much more with his disability. And I wanted to call him be responsible. And she was. But you have to be grace here and understand, yes, we need to deal with things. But, you know, it's like 70, 80 percent of marriages don't last with a disability. Child, you realize that statistics. Because the time and attention and the focus and one sides with the other and it just it's hard. But God gives grace. So everywhere we are dealing with issues about him and we've been through so many discussions that got to the place where I said one was an afternoon early afternoon. We were talking about a situation again and I start coming in. What's what's needed? And she goes, well, I don't know, because of this, that and the other. And I mean, she wasn't being resistant. She was just siding with. The struggles in this area and I'm just coming in with this and finally I don't want to talk about it anymore. You know you just want to go with this. I mean I just I said things that were hurtful to her were not true about her and just went into the room and shut the door. That's hard for you to believe that maybe maybe you've never done anything like that. I just went in there and I sat down and there's a little knock at the door. And she said, honey, are you OK? I haven't seen you like this. I said, yeah, I'm all right. I just don't want to talk about it. She said, well, did you say what I thought you said? I mean, yep. Well, are you going to deal with it? Not right now. So she shut the door. A few hours go by. It's getting about dinnertime now. And I'm in there just justifying why I was right, trying to use scripture to justify my my position. I mean, that's even worse. Right. And she knocks at the door and she says, honey, I can't I can't let you just keep going like this. I mean, it's sinful. She said, if you don't turn here, I'm going to call our friends from our small group to come on over here and help us. And I said, whatever. So the door shut and I'm sitting there at the chair by the window and I'm who are these people coming up the sidewalk? And sure enough, she did it. And you know what? It was for my good. And God's glory that we deal with that issue and I not just keep going on and on days and. She loved me enough and just went through a process of a humble, submissive wife. But I'm not going to let you keep going down this path. Not as a professing Christian brother. And so they came over and a little awkward, you know, and. Oh, sitting down and what's what's going on, Stuart? Well, we just, you know, the issue with Mark. But what's your issue? I mean, I got to a place where, yeah, I confess my sin to God, I confess my sin to my wife. And they helped us kind of think through maybe how to handle an issue there with a teen. They had a teen older than ours at the time. And we prayed together and I laughed and things were resolved. You know, you need to deal with things as quickly as possible. If it's at eight and the sun's already went down, doesn't mean you have another 24 hours. It means try to deal with things quickly. And I'm going to put a suggestion in here that you can think it through. Late at night is probably not the time to try to work something through. Late at night is probably not the best time to try to work something through. We sin more easily when we're tired and or sick. And I mean, it's midnight, 11, 12 at night and you're just, for some of you that's not late, but for us it's way late. For something to come up, it may be very minor, but it can turn into more major things because you're tired. It would be better at that point just to say, I love you. I know there's something between us. I am resolved to take care of that. Let's do that tomorrow. And maybe we can just get up early. Maybe we can do it at lunchtime. But we will deal with this quickly. But when we're both rested, have time to just think more What's my part in this? And come in with a better self-controlled attitude. But when you're provoked. Ask God for grace, don't sin in it, but if you do deal with it quickly, is this principle? One theologian long ago said this, the day of transgression is the day of reconciliation. The day of the transgression is the day of reconciliation. That's the same thing there. Don't let the sun be current. Don't let things build up. And they go down here. I think you have all these down in your notes. Now, here's the third and verses twenty nine and thirty. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up As fits the occasion that may give grace to those who hear and hear, you know, where the anger Satan shows up by name. Here is speech and the spirit shows up, do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. This is about pleasing and glorifying God all woven in this speech, but the word unwholesome in the Greek literature early on in the first century. meant rotten fish or vegetation. Sapras, it was putrid. Don't let any words come out that are just so, I mean, just turn people completely off. They're sort of like distasteful or just they hurt. It's just unprofitable. Later on in the first century, that word became used places in the literature of worn out sandals. That's why some translations say unprofitable. They're not it's not useful any longer. So you have unwholesome words usually that attack character. They go after the person. I can't believe you would think this way. Well you're just pretty much calling the person dumb. So don't attack the people and then you bypass the real issue and you grieve the spirit. But instead, the speech ought to come out and encourage the person, edifying the person, building them up, and it gives grace to those who hear it. That's a verse that's often, often violated in communication. Sarcasm is a way, if we're not careful, that will violate verse 29. You know, I'll laugh as I'm cutting you down. Or in a group setting, And you laugh, but boy, that was that really hurt. That was unprofitable. It was unedifying speech. And be careful with that. I say, well, be careful, don't do it. Of saying things that tear down, but rather, let's say things that build up. Now, the next one here is respond like Jesus, not responding in the flesh. When things go on in our life, here's the natural fleshly response. Verse 31, you get bitter. Bitterness is not a lack of forgiving. Bitterness is a lack of loving when someone has done something against you. Let all wrath, that explosive kind of anger, and then the settled indignation of anger, that orgy, and clamor, That's loud yelling and quarreling. And slander. That's usually. It's some truth but mixed with a lie. That makes. Called slander. Gossip may be the truth but it's meant to hurt someone behind their back. Slander you even add lies where we get from the word blaspheme. Let it all be put away from you, along with all malice. And that's the heart motive of, I want you to hurt. I want to get you back. That's my revenge mechanism. Malice is, I am not wanting good for you. I really want you to pay for that. And those are typical reactions. And you have that. The bitterness. The wrath. The anger. Oh, you could tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For instance, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry. Clamor, just harsh contention and strife. Slander, the speech that injures and then malice is that desire to harm others or see others suffer. All of that, it says that's fleshliness, that's more But the enemy would rejoice with that, but that grieves the Spirit of God. It just grieves the Spirit. We're communicating like that. So, we're not to react with those kind of responses, but act like Christ. Which is attitudes and action that you put on, and here they are. Kindness. tender heartedness where you're compassionate and sympathetic and forgiving. Dealing with the offense in a biblical way and a Christ like manner. So those are major principles there of being kind tender hearted and forgiving. And then you have a Either you have it in your notes, a conference table, a way of helping people who don't communicate well. Is if they're professing believers, you can have them sit down even with you and you can disciple them through a matter and say, here's an issue at hand. Let's take a small one first. Don't take finances. You know, just take a small issue. And we're going to obey. humble ourselves, we're going to seek to glorify God in this setting right now. In all of life we should, but especially in this setting. And so these four major principles here, even out of Ephesians 4, we're going to implement. So we're going to speak the truth and love here. And some things that are said may provoke, don't sin. If you do, we're going to take care of it right away. And we're not going to say things that tear people down, but build them up. And we are not going to be reacting. We want to act spirit controlled actions for the good of the other person and for God's glory in this. And if there's any violations that occur, you just raise your hand. He just cut me down, called me stupid. And deal with it. It's it's helping people with new habits. This is the way they used to communicate. This is the way they're going to communicate with God's help now. Very practical. This is you offended God, sinned against God and against your spouse by cutting words that you said to her. Now, how are you going to deal with that? How does God tell us to deal with that? You've sinned against God and you've sinned against your wife. So here's what a confession looks like. Repentance. Be sincere from the heart out. Here's what you need to put on from now on, as we continue to work through this issue on the table. I want words, it's the truth and love. And we just go right back over those principles. And they do that in your presence so you can help and guide them. This is new things to them, a new way of communication that's biblical and Christlike. And then you can give them another issue to talk about at home. You set a timer, 15 to 30 minutes, depending on what The issue is, take notes of even he said, she said. If things go wrong, correct them. If you get stumped, call us. Don't wait till next week, call us and see if we can't help you walk through that. I mean, these are just some grew up in homes that this is what was modeled and taught. Others, nothing like this. It was the office that was modeled and taught. But there's hope and grace. I mean, the most serious thing we do in this area is sin. And there is grace and hope and forgiveness for our sin. So just encourage them. You're making progress. We're going to not let sin just go. We're going to deal with that in a biblical manner. I grew up in a home where when at a dinner table of six of us, when someone was talking, we all listened. Well, that's a rare commodity. I go to some places and there's six different conversations going on and there's only four people. I mean, what is going on here? There's just all kinds of conversations going on. And how do you are you listening to anybody or and just try to help them? That's an area of respect. And respecting them and as they communicate, listen, well, the Lord will help us and grace us through these things, but there's some it's kind of laid out there in your notes to follow. and God's grace to help us improve in our lives.