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And we're going to be looking
here, as Paul said, at the area of Christlike communication and
conflict resolution. And there are a few things to
begin with, looking at your notes. One of the first things is just
the context, remembering the context as we looked at Joe and
Susan this morning. how they wanted
to jump. I mean, people want to jump and
try to help them in chapter five. But really, the context of communication
is, again, the gospel of Jesus Christ, the purpose to glorify
God. And as you go through who we
once were, who we now are in Christ, the church. And that's
very important because even in one of the first things in communication
is to speak truth. And this is because we're members
of one another. So you just see the themes of
the gospel truths running right through. Ephesians four through
six. So just remembering the context,
we're talking about believers. When we go to the principles
in Ephesians four, and that's where we're going to be turning
to. I'm turning there and I know that you will be turning there.
Ephesians four, there are a lot of helpful things about speech. As we walk in a worthy manner,
pleasing to the Lord. Chapter 4, we now, if we're in
Christ, we're to walk in a manner that pleases him. So these are
some principles and they revolve around communication, many of
them in Ephesians 4. And we don't want to miss relationships,
the whole emphasis on relationships when we're communicating. It's
about how do I love this person? This is a neighbor. I mean, technically
second commandment. Greatest commandment is to love
my neighbor. And we don't want to miss the area of relationships.
Sometimes we're so exact on things. Well, I told them the truth.
Yeah, but it was truth without grace. And it was harsh. And now it's kind of put a major
damper on the whole relationship. So relationships are more important
than non relationship stuff. And to remember that. As we go
through the area of communication and conflict resolution, we don't
want to miss the heart. Proverbs 4, 23, to guard it with
all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life. And these
are things you don't while you have these points in your notes.
The heart is mission control center. It's the real you. It's
the inner man. We have a Western view of the
heart being a Valentine's emotional factory. But not not with a biblical
mindset, whether it's Hebrew or Greek, it's it's more between
your ears than it is in your chest. The goal, again, is to
glorify God and making sure we're seeking to glorify him, to love
him and love our neighbor. And so the heart, just a good
reminder of what goes on in the heart. This is going to probably
look a little strange the way it's coming out. We have our
thinking, which is huge. in the inner man, what I think.
And that's where it all kind of begins, and that's why even
in the epistles, it starts with right doctrine, right theology
before right living. You can't live right if you don't
think right. So orthodoxy before orthopraxy, as they say. Very
important to find out what a person's thinking, what they believe,
and correct that. And then affections tack on.
You know, a thought pops in your mind and you go, oh, I would
really like that. And so your affections kind of
come in and then you choose, you make choices and they all
sort of work. And then I want more and then
I think more and then I want to choose more. And so they're
all working on there. And then we're thankful for the
Jesus Christ and the gospel that by grace, through faith, we're
saved. God graces us with saving faith. And that faith is to grow
in our love for God, a knowledge of Him and our love for Him,
and also to express itself in our love for others, our neighbor. Just a good reminder of why it's
so important when we're ministering to people, even in our own life,
the change process, that we should be asking ourselves, what am
I wanting? What am I thinking? Because there's
nothing deeper in the heart than that. There's no subconscious
in the lives of God's creation. That's a Freudian thing. Freud
was saying there's something deeper here. Yeah, the Bible
says it's the heart. But don't don't talk about your
subconscious and things, I just don't even know what's going
on. You do know. Slow down and ask yourself, what
am I wanting? What am I thinking? And God's
word is sharp. It's a two edged sword and it
goes right to the depth of the heart. And it's a discernment
between the thoughts and the intentions of the heart, the
thoughts and the motives of the heart. And then being those when
we all once were here at one point, but when we were unsaved,
the Bible called the old man. Our thoughts, affections and
choices revolved around who? Can you see that back there?
Yeah. Self. And towards God, we suppress
the truth about God. We weren't ever seeking after
God, the true God of Scripture ever. Unless God starts that
work, and so we are unbelief towards God. And we're involved,
my wife and I, in a few evangelistic situations with different people,
and it's really interesting how the unsaved person will be asking
all kinds of questions that if you answered them, they wouldn't
understand it anyway. Right. The unsaved mind doesn't
even understand the things of God. And 1 Corinthians 2. And
it would just be another question after that. Another question
after that. It's a moral problem that they
have in their life. Not an evidential kind of thing.
It's just where are they at with God. Their sin before a holy
God. And just talk about them and
their sin and God's grace and forgiveness. And don't go on
all these trails and they want to take you down. And sometimes
we get carried away with them and go, wait a minute, go back
to them and God and their need for a savior. So the old man,
Second Corinthians five, 15 puts it this way, that he died for
all that they who that they who live should no longer live for
themselves. A description of an unbeliever,
they live for their own advantage. But it says but live for him
who died. Barry rose again on their behalf.
It's important we realize that unsaved people are just extremely
selfish. They live for themselves. Everything
about themselves. We shouldn't expect Christian
behavior out of an unsaved individual. And that even goes for children
who are unsaved and be really careful there. They live only for themselves.
You pray. It's one of the greatest desires of a parent is the salvation
of their children. But it cannot be your goal. You
can't save them. My parents prayed for us on their
knees. I remember I saw my dad on his
knees, my mom on her knees every night, at least if they went
to bed somewhere around where I did. They're praying for us,
for our salvation. Four boys. My oldest brother
was saved at age 40. My next brother saved at age
27, before he died at 29 with cancer. I was saved at age 18
out of the home in a boarding school by my choice, because
I wanted to get away from the light. That's why a lot of children
in homes of pastors and missionaries get so rebellious, because the
light is real bright at home. I talk about Jesus all the time
and you don't want to hear about Jesus. You want to get away.
And I did. I want to get away. God put me
in a boarding school for Christian teens with a Christian roommate. And God saved me. And then my
other brother, maybe in his teens, but more likely in his 20s before,
you know, long before he took his life. So my parents, I know
this is a parenting thing. Comment I'm making. Evangelism
for sure for parents Christian parents evangelism is for sure
because they all come unsaved. Discipleship maybe. Discipleship
maybe. You can't disciple the lost.
You can teach the lost. Right. The instruction of the
Lord. We're going to teach them about Christ. were to discipline
training of them as unto the Lord for his glory. I can't save
kids. You can't either. And it may
be that you're teaching your shepherding. You can shepherd
even the lost. But you can't disciple a loss.
And it may be in our my parents situation. They were faithful
evangelists, faithful teachers and trainers. But they couldn't
disciple us. We weren't saved. And after I
got saved and I went to college, my dad was a prof there at the
time. We hung out. I'd come by and he just welcomed
me in all the time and he stopped everything he was doing. We talk
and he tried to help. So he discipled me later. And
I just want to encourage you. I mean, so many parents in here
realizing that when children are born, they live only for
themselves. And they may end up in God's
providence and God's plan to live that way all your parenting
years as far as in your home. And it may not be what did you
do wrong. You may be really faithful as
a parent. There's no guarantee for the salvation of your children.
Right. Because God has mercy on him.
He has mercy and compassion on whom he has compassion. This
has to be careful on how we look at the whole area of parenting. So that's I just wanted to mention
that is because that's a very real thing and very probably
the greatest desire we have for our children is that they come
to know Christ and love him as we do. But we all once were there
old man living for ourselves unbelief towards God and then
God graced us with salvation to respond to the gospel. And
now we're called a new man in Christ a new creature in Christ.
Now we live for the advantage, not perfectly, but habitually
live for the advantage of Christ. Our thoughts, our motives and
all the affections are from the Spirit, anything good. And so
Edwards calling them holy affections, that God has placed in us a will,
both in us the will, the desire and the will to do it. And then
towards God, we grow in our faith. More and more to know God and
love him. Just a good reminder again, as
we set out to communicate, who am I communicating with? Am I
communicating with a believer or an unbeliever? And it's very helpful. I shouldn't
expect all these principles to be coming out and being used
by an unsaved individual. But with a new creature in Christ
and to grow in that, so it's just a good reminder again, Now,
we're going to look at Ephesians 4, and this is in light of the
truths of the old man and now the new man. If you'll turn with
me, Ephesians chapter 4. And it says there's a way to
walk and there's a way not to walk. Verse 17, don't walk like
the Gentiles do. And the futility of their minds.
But as it comes down further, the verse 22. To put off your
old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is
corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit
of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the
likeness of God and true righteousness and holiness. So, you have sort
of the old man, be renewed now in the spirit of your minds and
in light of who we are to be. I mean, we are this in Christ.
We have been put off and put on the new or created after the
likeness of God and true righteousness and holiness. Now, here's how
it flushes out. The putting off and putting on.
Especially in the area of communication, because we get into really bad
habits. Habits that we've been maybe
involved with since we were really young. God is not into stopping
habits. He's into replacing them by the
help of the Spirit. You say, well, you know what?
I cut people down, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.
Well, that does nothing about changing your heart. And you will find in many different
avenues where they counsel people, support groups, it's usually
in stopping things. I want to stop taking drugs. I want to stop drinking alcohol. And in many of those support
groups, it's all into stopping a certain habit. But the gospel
of Christ takes us, well, you can repent. That means to turn. And now by faith, put on this
instead. Renew your mind on it and heart.
So it's from the heart out. But it's not just stopping things.
It's going in the right direction and doing what's right. It's
replacing habits, not just stopping things. And so in verse 25, he
says, therefore, Having put away falsehood, let each one of you
speak the truth with his neighbor for members of one another. So
when is a liar not a liar? Yeah, I mean, that's true. That
is the right answer. But usually we think when they're
not lying. No, then they're just between
lines. They're no longer a liar when
they are a truth teller. When they're doing the opposite. So when is an adulterer not an
adulterer? When they're not committing adultery.
No. It's when they are pure and devoted to their spouse only. It's not stopping. It's replacing.
And so what we have here are these helpful principles as we
go through. The first is be honest in God's
family. Speak the truth to one another.
Don't be deceitful. Now, it is a command there. Speak.
Speak the truth. People can't read your mind except
God. Some people think they have that
ability, but they don't. It's called it's a sin called
presumption. I know what you're thinking.
No, you don't. You can take a guess and you
might be right, but you do not have the incommunicable attribute
of omniscience. But we need to speak. This is
a little story here of two people that weren't speaking and what
happened. So just listen along here. This. This couple. Roger is the guy. Elaine's the girl. So Roger asked
a woman named Elaine out to a movie. She accepts and they have a pretty
good time. A few nights later, he asked her out to dinner and
again, they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other
regularly and soon neither is seeing anyone else. Then one
evening when I'm driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine. She
says, Do you realize that we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months? Silence fills the car. To Elaine,
it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself, wow, I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he feels confined
by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to
push him into some kind of obligation. Roger's thinking, oh, six months. Elaine is thinking, but hey,
I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Are we
heading towards marriage, towards children, to a lifetime together?
Am I ready for this level of commitment? Do I really even
know this person? Roger's thinking. So that was February when we
started going up, which was right after I had the
car at the dealers, which means let me check the odometer. Well,
I'm way overdue for an oil change. Elaine is thinking he's upset,
I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely
wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy,
more commitment. Maybe he sees my reservations.
That's it. He's afraid of being rejected. Roger's thinking, I'm going to
have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those
morons say. It's still not shifting right.
They better not try to blame it on cold weather this time.
It's 87 degrees out. This thing is shifting like a
garbage truck. And I pay those incompetent thieving
cretins $600. Elaine is thinking he's angry
and I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so
guilty putting him through this, but I just can't help the way
I feel. I'm just not sure. Rogers thinking now they're probably
going to say 90 day warranty. That's what they're going to
say. Elaine is thinking maybe I'm
too idealistic waiting for a night to come riding up on his white
horse when I'm sitting next to a perfectly good person who's
in pain. because of my self-centered schoolgirl fantasy. Roger's thinking,
warranty? I'll give him a warranty. Roger, Elaine says aloud. What,
says Roger. I'm such a fool, Elaine says,
sobbing. I mean, I know there's no knight
and there's no horse. There's no horse, says Roger.
You think I'm a fool, don't you, Elaine says. No, Roger says,
glad to know the correct answer. It's just that I need some time,
Elaine says. There's a 15 second pause while
Roger tries to come up with a safe response. Yes, he finally says. Elaine deeply moved, touches
his hand. Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way? What way? That way about time, Elaine says.
Oh, says Roger, yes. Elaine gazes deeply into his
eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might
say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last, she says, Thank you,
Roger. Thank you, he responds. Then
he takes her home and she lies on her bed, a conflicted soul
weeping until dawn. Whereas when Roger gets back
to his place, he just opens a bag of chips, turns on the and becomes
deeply involved in a rerun of the tennis match between two
Czech players he's never even heard of. A tiny voice in his
mind, though, tells him something major is going on back there
in that car, but he figures it's better not to think about it.
The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend and they will
talk for six straight hours. Painstaking detail, they will
analyze everything she said and everything he said. They will
continue to discuss the subject for weeks. Never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Roger playing racquetball one day with a friend of both
his and Elaine's will pause just before serving and ask, Hey Norm,
did Elaine ever own a horse? If we don't communicate, we're
in some deep trouble, right? And you have there some definitions
of Communication, I put down some, both there from Wayne Mack
and my attempt at that. It's so important that we talk.
Now, when I got when we got married, my wife and I, I didn't talk
much. I had a fear of man, and I know
it's going to be hard for some of you to believe this. This
is God's grace in my life. I wouldn't talk in front of people.
I just wouldn't do it. I was all the words were timid,
shy, introverted and then low self-esteem. I mean, just all
those terms. I just wouldn't do it. And then
God saved me. I mean, I could talk to someone
one on one, but not in a group. Then God saved me, I still didn't
talk in front of people, I turned down every opportunity that meant
I would have to get up in front of people, even sharing my testimony,
which I grieve at that squandered many opportunity that God opened
up. because I was fearful of what
people thought of me. Fear of man. It's a snare. And
I just gave into it all through my college days. Us four years
being a believer and even saying announcements for our soccer
team, you know, we're going to be practicing down on the field.
I wouldn't get up in a class and say that. It was bad. I mean, it was fear of man on
steroids. It was idolatrous. It was worshipping
myself and what people thought rather than worshipping God. So I avoided everything. I would
not take pre-seminary classes because then you have to preach
in front of people. So then I went to seminary to learn more of
God's word. And the first semester was I had to speak. I had to
preach for 10 minutes. I mean, it was a homiletics lab.
I couldn't sleep the night before. I had every twitching movement
you can imagine shaking my head. I just had everything. It was
what going on. And they were marking me off and I haven't
even started. They were grading me. And I haven't even started
speaking yet. It was it was bad. But God had
to use that situation and he did by confronting my pride,
confronting my it was more about what people thought of me than
what they thought of Christ. And many times in the area of
the speaking, is, why don't you talk more? And in husband-wife
relationships, not always, but typically, there's a quiet one
and a more vocal one. They seem to attract. That was
true of us. Zandra was very social, very
outgoing, and I was laid back. But that I needed to start speaking,
but speaking truth and grace. When Zondre asked, how'd your
day go? Saying more than OK or fine. Opening up my life more
about what I was thinking and wanting. You can't grow close. And I would say you can't really
glorify God by not speaking. We need to talk and we have the
message of the gospel is one thing, but how do you build up
one another and not speak? How do you disciple someone and
not speak? And I think many a time we just
we're more concerned about ourselves than talking. And so like with
Roger and Elaine, we assume we know what everybody's thinking
and doing, but we need to talk and quiet people. You need to
draw them out. Just need to draw them out. So
if you're if you're more the vocal one and your husband or
wife or more of the quiet one, you need to draw them out. Don't
just talk all the time because it's quiet and They're fine with
it. No, I'm going to be less quiet.
I'm going to ask you questions to draw you out. We need to help
people speak the truth. Because we're members of one
another, but it is a command. And we're supposed to speak the
truth and put off all falsehood. There's different forms of falsehood. Blatant lies. That's one form
of falsehood. Like the sun shining. No, it's
not. Well, that's just not true. So there's a blatant lie, but
then there's other forms of lying. We catch this in the courtroom
when they say, do you promise to tell the truth versus a complete
lie? And then there's a couple other
questions they ask. The whole truth. Half truths are a lie. And then what else? Nothing. but the truth. And you add to
the truth, it becomes a lie. And so these different areas
of adding to the truth would be exaggeration. Like if I just
saw you walk down and sit down and I said, you know, you came
in angrily. No, you didn't. Well, I added
something to the truth and it's a lie. So you have to watch what
we say and especially the exaggeration terms. You never. You always. I've told you a million
times. Those kind of words. Everyone. Everyone does this. Or only this person. Just watch
those. That can turn something and provoke
people to anger. And it's not true. I used to
I couldn't figure out why my son got angry with me when I
went to him and said, you just never clean up your room. He
got angry. I said, what are you angry about?
I should be the one angry. And then the little voice behind
me, the anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness
of God, was a woman's voice. I went, OK, I'm not to get angry.
And then when I said, Mark, why are you angry? And I heard a
voice behind me again, a woman. You said never. I look at Mark, I said, Mark.
Are you angry, upset because I said never clean up your room?
He goes, yep. So you remember four years ago
on April 5th when you cleaned it up, he goes, yeah, there's
been a few times. So if I said, Mark, most of the
time you're not cleaning up your room. Yeah, I know, Dad. I didn't tell the truth, though.
You follow that it's a it's a way that we can provoke people around
us, husbands and wives will provoke you're never on time. Well, unless
you've been counting every single time for everything in this person's
life, it's a lie. You just have to be so guarded
with those words for emphasis because it takes it into the
realm of not telling the truth. And it will, it will provoke
the other person to anger, whether it's a wife or husband. So we're
supposed to speak the truth, the truth of God, the truth about
the situation to one another, putting away all falsehood. And to speak it lovingly. Now,
this is with grace, speak the truth with grace, speak the truth
with love or in love and verse 15. Where it talks about rather
speaking the truth and love, we are to grow up in every way
into him who is the head into Christ. We are to be concerned
with several things here about speaking truth lovingly and. And I can't I don't want to pose
our or impose our sort of how we are, my wife and I, on you
all as couples, many of you as couples. But I'm sort of like
right for the truth. And she just drips with mercy.
So there's no question about what I say. But with her, it's
so nice. But what are you trying to say?
So there's a blend there we need. And I need to speak the truth
Because truth without love or in love and without grace is
very harsh. Be so guarded on that. Even write
truth, but you just shoot it out and it's not with grace and
compassion. It's really hard to swallow. And she's just have mercy and
she'll talk all around. And she says what she needs to
say, but it's just so nice and wordy that you're going, So what's
the issue? But you aren't angry with her
because she's just drips with grace and mercy. When I was growing up, my parents
had I had numerous ear infections. And so my mom would have these
penicillin antibiotic and it was tablets. There wasn't the
cherry flavored and grape flavored and banana, you know, like they
have today. It was just this white pill.
And she said, here, you need to take this. I'd gag on it if
she just gave me the pill. But she grinded up and put it
in a spoon of jelly. I know what jelly looks like,
but this was white stuff in the jelly. And she said, take it. And so I did. The jelly did nothing
for my infection. Nothing. Probably made it worse,
maybe if it was by itself. What I needed was that antibiotic. That's truth. We need truth. But grace is the jelly, it's
if there's grace with the truth, if there's love with the truth
that makes it going down easier still can be hard, but it's easier. Love and grace without the truth
is just dripping with, you know, I'm your friend, but I'm not
helping you at all about the situation. So it's a good reminder. Speak the truth lovingly. So
here are several things, and I don't know if they're in your
notes or not. Be concerned with what you say. These are like
guards, these questions, they'll help you from error. Because
life and death are in the power of the tongue. Right. Proverbs
18, 21, death and life are in the power of the tongue. I can
encourage you or I can really hurt you. So be concerned with
what you say, that it's truth. That it's wholesome and it's
building you up. Also, be concerned how you say
it. And this would be in love. With
grace. I really love you, and this is
why I'm bringing this up. Our volume, the volume of our
voice, the intensity, the rate of speech, all of that helps
with the manner in which we say what we say. Be concerned with
how much you say. Some people over talk, they just,
too much. You ask the time, they tell you
how a watch is built. And when my profs call it the
ever ready mouth, it just keeps going and going and going. Be
concerned with when you say it. There's a right time to say things
like apples of gold and setting of silver is a word properly
spoken. It's there's a right time for
bringing up subjects. You don't get to the church and
then tell your wife, you know, I'm not sure I care for what
you're wearing today. What is she supposed to do with
that? And is that really shared out of love? And, you know, some
things wait till you're home. Wait. This is not the right time. I remember my son left his bicycle
out in the driveway one time and I was like, that is it. I
almost had I mean, I did have the thought of just running over
the bike. Which wasn't spirit filled thinking. But I parked the car and rather
than picking up the bike, I'm just going right in the house.
I'm going to say, OK, Mark, I'm Mark. This is going to be you're
going to get the bike sort of taken away for a while until
you can learn to be responsible. I'm rehearsing it real fast in
my mind as I open up the door. And I looked in, I saw him and
he doesn't cry much, but he was weeping. He was in high school
and my wife was sitting there with him. And I went, this probably
isn't the right time. to talk about the bike. And it
wasn't. There was something else going
on. Someone had really, in many ways, betrayed him at school
and he didn't know how to quite deal with it. Zonder was helping
him. There's a right time. Be concerned
with when you say it. So those are guards. You know,
David said, you know, set a guard over my mouth. Keep watch over
the door of my lips. These are guards. These will
help you. Be concerned with what you say,
how you say it, how much you say, when you say it and even
where you say it. And become a skilled listener,
which is all part of communication. Communication isn't just talking,
it's listening as well. Are you really hearing what they're
saying? Can you repeat back about what they're saying and how well
are we listening? Proverbs 18, to a fool does not
Delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind.
A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own
mind. So become a skilled listener. I mean, we've already looked at
that. Let me see here. OK, this is the second. It's in verses 26 and 27. It's
a very another very helpful Point on communication, first speak
the truth, right? Out of love, speak the truth.
And then verses 26 and 27, be angry and do not sin. Literally,
it's you're being provoked. Don't sin. Do not let the sun
go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.
It's not a command to be simply angry or commanded in verse 31,
put off all anger and wrath. But it's more you're being provoked.
It's a passive verb. It's something's acting on an
individual. You're being provoked. Don't sin. And if you do, I mean,
obviously the next part is then don't let the sun go down on
your anger. Because the devil is right there. When you're angry,
we usually sin more, don't we? When we're angry, we usually
sin more. We'll say things, we'll do things that we wish we could
reel them back in. Dr. MacArthur says, well, when
you send like that in your anger, it's like blowing a dandelion.
You can't recover all the pieces. The damage is done. That's why
I don't sit down and email someone right back or text someone right
back when there's something that offended you. Pray, wait. You're being provoked, do not
send, don't let the sun go down, give no opportunity to the devil.
This is a Sort of a principle of communication, don't sin when
you're being provoked. And if you do, keep current.
Keep current. Often what you'll find is people
say there's a wall between us, right? In our relationship, there's
a wall between us. That's one brick of sin not dealt
with at a time. Sin by nature separates. It's what happened with God and
Adam and Eve in the garden. Sin by nature is anti-relational,
and it separates. You say, well, I'll just forget
it. I'll ignore it. You don't ignore sin. You all
cover it. You cover it when you've dealt
with it. You don't cover sin before, you
cover it at the end. When it's all done and dealt
with, then it's covered. It's a word for atonement. And so there's a process you
can even go through of asking questions if I clearly sin. And that would have to be the
issue. It's not a preference issue, wisdom issue, conscience issue. It's
clear violation of God's word. Let's say I say something very
harsh, hurtful, unedifying to my wife. Well, the first thing
that she would do is and I'm saying when she's spirit filled,
we're both, you know, going in that direction, is she would
pray for me. And then she would think through
her own life, is there something I did to provoke him? And if
the answer is no, I didn't do anything to provoke him. She would then ask me a question.
Did I hear you say what you said? Questions prick the conscience.
That's what they did. Questions will prick the conscience.
Did you say what I thought you said? Now that right there for
most believers who want to love Jesus, that's all you need. There's
really no admonishment. Just ask the question, first
pray, get your own heart right, then ask the question, did you
say what I thought you said? And to a believer who really
does want to love Christ and grow in Christ's likeness, they
go, yeah, I did. Please forgive me that that was
not right. It was not edifying. And from
now on, by God's grace, I want to say things that build you
up. Please forgive me. It's done. No admonishment at
all needed there. Now, someone goes, yeah, I did
and I meant it. Oh. That's that's you don't want
to you don't you don't want to keep going down this road. I
mean, you may have to. That's hard. That's a believer
who said something really harsh and unedifying and says, I know
what I said and I meant it. This is someone who is not right
now controlled by the spirit going in this Christ-like direction.
But let's say I said that. Yep, I did. I know it. I meant
it. Then it's not to come right back,
it's just pray. The spirit bring conviction.
Convict his conscience. He knows the word. He knows that's
wrong. If I don't deal with it and time
goes on, Then it's a matter of bringing
up the word the scripture. I ask you a question. Is that
what you hear what you said. Yep. And I meant it. Well now
I'm going to bring up the scriptures. Do you know. I know you know
Ephesians 4 29 which God says let no unwholesome word come
out of your mouth. But only such is that edifying
and builds up the hearer. I don't care what the word says.
I mean, if someone you know, there's something deeper going
on than what he just said, this is this is a hard attitude that
there's something more serious going on. But still, that's the
proper process. And if you have someone and you
just give it some time, don't be the Holy Spirit right there,
just give it some time, pray. And if this person will not acknowledge
their sin, clear sin, It says, yeah, I know what I said and
I know it violates God's word and I don't care. Well, then
I'm going to bring someone else, someone else needs to come in
and help us. If I had that mentality. Coming
in, help us. Resolve this thing as quickly
as possible, I mean, don't let the sun, it's just if you leave
in Alaska, it doesn't mean you wait six months until the sun
comes back up. It's just be quick to deal with it. Then you go,
well, this sounds like Matthew 18. That's the spirit that we
ought to have of dealing with sin in our relationships and
in the church. That we don't want anything to
come, clear sin to come between us and go undealt with. And they
don't look for sin. I mean, you're not a sin hunter.
It's just when it happens, it goes right across your path and
go, oh, I want to do this. I want to love the person for
God's glory. You say, well, my skin's thick, I can take it.
It's not about this thickness of your skin. It's about God's
glory. And the good of the other person and their sanctification.
That's happened one time in my life where it's went to this
degree one time. If you have people in your life
that love you and won't let you get away with sin. You'll you'll
end up sinning less, not more. And you don't do this all day
long. I don't live with an unbeliever. You don't even go to them about
all their sin either. People go, oh, if you are going
to deal with sin, you could do it all day long with your spouse.
I don't know who you married, but my wife does not sin all
day long, and I don't either, against each other. We sin in
our mind and just confess to God, but when actions come out,
and there was one, and it dealt with our son. He's got a major
disability with brain impairment, and we were just locking horns,
my wife and I, It's like I was going with his his sin and the
nature. And she was siding much more
with his disability. And I wanted to call him be responsible.
And she was. But you have to be grace here
and understand, yes, we need to deal with things. But, you
know, it's like 70, 80 percent of marriages don't last with
a disability. Child, you realize that statistics. Because the time and attention
and the focus and one sides with the other and it just it's hard.
But God gives grace. So everywhere we are dealing
with issues about him and we've been through so many discussions
that got to the place where I said one was an afternoon early afternoon. We were talking about a situation
again and I start coming in. What's what's needed? And she
goes, well, I don't know, because of this, that and the other.
And I mean, she wasn't being resistant. She was just siding
with. The struggles in this area and
I'm just coming in with this and finally I don't want to talk
about it anymore. You know you just want to go
with this. I mean I just I said things that were hurtful to her
were not true about her and just went into the room and shut the
door. That's hard for you to believe that maybe maybe you've
never done anything like that. I just went in there and I sat
down and there's a little knock at the door. And she said, honey,
are you OK? I haven't seen you like this.
I said, yeah, I'm all right. I just don't want to talk about
it. She said, well, did you say what I thought you said? I mean,
yep. Well, are you going to deal with it?
Not right now. So she shut the door. A few hours go by. It's getting
about dinnertime now. And I'm in there just justifying why
I was right, trying to use scripture to justify my my position. I mean, that's even worse. Right. And she knocks at the door and
she says, honey, I can't I can't let you just keep going like
this. I mean, it's sinful. She said,
if you don't turn here, I'm going to call our friends from our
small group to come on over here and help us. And I said, whatever. So the door shut and I'm sitting
there at the chair by the window and I'm who are these people
coming up the sidewalk? And sure enough, she did it.
And you know what? It was for my good. And God's
glory that we deal with that issue and I not just keep going
on and on days and. She loved me enough and just
went through a process of a humble, submissive wife. But I'm not
going to let you keep going down this path. Not as a professing
Christian brother. And so they came over and a little
awkward, you know, and. Oh, sitting down and what's what's
going on, Stuart? Well, we just, you know, the
issue with Mark. But what's your issue? I mean, I got to a place where,
yeah, I confess my sin to God, I confess my sin to my wife.
And they helped us kind of think through maybe how to handle an
issue there with a teen. They had a teen older than ours
at the time. And we prayed together and I
laughed and things were resolved. You know, you need to deal with
things as quickly as possible. If it's at eight and the sun's
already went down, doesn't mean you have another 24 hours. It
means try to deal with things quickly. And I'm going to put
a suggestion in here that you can think it through. Late at night is probably not
the time to try to work something through. Late at night is probably
not the best time to try to work something through. We sin more
easily when we're tired and or sick. And I mean, it's midnight,
11, 12 at night and you're just, for some of you that's not late,
but for us it's way late. For something to come up, it
may be very minor, but it can turn into more major things because
you're tired. It would be better at that point
just to say, I love you. I know there's something between
us. I am resolved to take care of
that. Let's do that tomorrow. And maybe
we can just get up early. Maybe we can do it at lunchtime.
But we will deal with this quickly. But when we're both rested, have
time to just think more What's my part in this? And come in
with a better self-controlled attitude. But when you're provoked. Ask God for grace, don't sin
in it, but if you do deal with it quickly, is this principle? One theologian long ago said
this, the day of transgression is the day of reconciliation.
The day of the transgression is the day of reconciliation.
That's the same thing there. Don't let the sun be current. Don't let things build up. And they go down here. I think
you have all these down in your notes. Now, here's the third
and verses twenty nine and thirty. Let no corrupting talk come out
of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up As
fits the occasion that may give grace to those who hear and hear,
you know, where the anger Satan shows up by name. Here is speech
and the spirit shows up, do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God
by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. This is about
pleasing and glorifying God all woven in this speech, but the
word unwholesome in the Greek literature early on in the first
century. meant rotten fish or vegetation. Sapras, it was putrid. Don't let any words come out
that are just so, I mean, just turn people completely off. They're
sort of like distasteful or just they hurt. It's just unprofitable. Later on in the first century,
that word became used places in the literature of worn out
sandals. That's why some translations
say unprofitable. They're not it's not useful any
longer. So you have unwholesome words
usually that attack character. They go after the person. I can't
believe you would think this way. Well you're just pretty
much calling the person dumb. So don't attack the people and
then you bypass the real issue and you grieve the spirit. But
instead, the speech ought to come out and encourage the person,
edifying the person, building them up, and it gives grace to
those who hear it. That's a verse that's often,
often violated in communication. Sarcasm is a way, if we're not
careful, that will violate verse 29. You know, I'll laugh as I'm
cutting you down. Or in a group setting, And you
laugh, but boy, that was that really hurt. That was unprofitable. It was unedifying speech. And
be careful with that. I say, well, be careful, don't
do it. Of saying things that tear down,
but rather, let's say things that build up. Now, the next one here is respond
like Jesus, not responding in the flesh. When things go on
in our life, here's the natural fleshly response. Verse 31, you
get bitter. Bitterness is not a lack of forgiving.
Bitterness is a lack of loving when someone has done something
against you. Let all wrath, that explosive
kind of anger, and then the settled indignation of anger, that orgy,
and clamor, That's loud yelling and quarreling. And slander. That's usually. It's some truth
but mixed with a lie. That makes. Called slander. Gossip may be the truth but it's
meant to hurt someone behind their back. Slander you even
add lies where we get from the word blaspheme. Let it all be put away from you,
along with all malice. And that's the heart motive of,
I want you to hurt. I want to get you back. That's
my revenge mechanism. Malice is, I am not wanting good
for you. I really want you to pay for
that. And those are typical reactions. And you have that. The bitterness.
The wrath. The anger. Oh, you could tell
a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For instance, if
she's holding a gun, she's probably angry. Clamor, just harsh contention
and strife. Slander, the speech that injures
and then malice is that desire to harm others or see others
suffer. All of that, it says that's fleshliness,
that's more But the enemy would rejoice with that, but that grieves
the Spirit of God. It just grieves the Spirit. We're
communicating like that. So, we're not to react with those
kind of responses, but act like Christ. Which is attitudes and
action that you put on, and here they are. Kindness. tender heartedness where you're
compassionate and sympathetic and forgiving. Dealing with the offense in a
biblical way and a Christ like manner. So those are major principles
there of being kind tender hearted and forgiving. And then you have
a Either you have it in your notes, a conference table, a
way of helping people who don't communicate well. Is if they're
professing believers, you can have them sit down even with
you and you can disciple them through a matter and say, here's
an issue at hand. Let's take a small one first.
Don't take finances. You know, just take a small issue.
And we're going to obey. humble ourselves, we're going
to seek to glorify God in this setting right now. In all of
life we should, but especially in this setting. And so these
four major principles here, even out of Ephesians 4, we're going
to implement. So we're going to speak the truth
and love here. And some things that are said may provoke, don't
sin. If you do, we're going to take care of it right away. And
we're not going to say things that tear people down, but build
them up. And we are not going to be reacting. We want to act spirit controlled
actions for the good of the other person and for God's glory in
this. And if there's any violations that occur, you just raise your
hand. He just cut me down, called me stupid. And deal with it. It's it's helping people with
new habits. This is the way they used to
communicate. This is the way they're going to communicate
with God's help now. Very practical. This is you offended God, sinned
against God and against your spouse by cutting words that
you said to her. Now, how are you going to deal
with that? How does God tell us to deal with that? You've
sinned against God and you've sinned against your wife. So
here's what a confession looks like. Repentance. Be sincere
from the heart out. Here's what you need to put on
from now on, as we continue to work through this issue on the
table. I want words, it's the truth and love. And we just go
right back over those principles. And they do that in your presence
so you can help and guide them. This is new things to them, a
new way of communication that's biblical and Christlike. And
then you can give them another issue to talk about at home.
You set a timer, 15 to 30 minutes, depending on what The issue is,
take notes of even he said, she said. If things go wrong, correct
them. If you get stumped, call us. Don't wait till next week, call
us and see if we can't help you walk through that. I mean, these
are just some grew up in homes that this is what was modeled
and taught. Others, nothing like this. It
was the office that was modeled and taught. But there's hope
and grace. I mean, the most serious thing
we do in this area is sin. And there is grace and hope and
forgiveness for our sin. So just encourage them. You're
making progress. We're going to not let sin just
go. We're going to deal with that in a biblical manner. I
grew up in a home where when at a dinner table of six of us,
when someone was talking, we all listened. Well, that's a
rare commodity. I go to some places and there's
six different conversations going on and there's only four people.
I mean, what is going on here? There's just all kinds of conversations
going on. And how do you are you listening
to anybody or and just try to help them? That's an area of
respect. And respecting them and as they
communicate, listen, well, the Lord will help us and grace us
through these things, but there's some it's kind of laid out there
in your notes to follow. and God's grace to help us improve
in our lives.
Biblical Principles of Communication
Series The God-Centered Marriage
| Sermon ID | 114141523510 |
| Duration | 1:00:40 |
| Date | |
| Category | Conference |
| Language | English |
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