The following is just one chapter in the life of Edward Payson with the editorial notes by Asa Cummings, where I think that this biography is so helpful because Edward Payson was so given to melancholy, introversion, and spiritual depression in examining himself. It's the biographical notes of Asa Cummings who is analyzing his various frames and commenting on them that I think makes this such a useful biography. You have it somewhat in the diary of David Brainerd, any notes of Jonathan Edwards at the beginning and end of it, but to go along as a biographer and assist a reader to properly analyze the various frames that Edward Payson is going through as a young Christian seems to be unequaled in a lot of biographies that I've ever read. If I was to guess why you do not have such biographical notes by editors in our days, it's because, one, we lack the command of the English language and the knowledge of Christian experience that it would take to put such notes in as Asa Cummings does. But secondly, I think there's very little interest in it. Very few people have an interest in understanding Christian experience, spiritual depression, and what they used to call spiritual melancholy in our day, like they did back in the 19th century and before. And with that, we'll begin this biography. The following letters and diary of Edward Payson are taken from the biography of Edward Payson by Asa Cummings. Having been regularly introduced and recommended to the churches as a preacher, Mr. Payson proceeded the next day to Marlborough to fulfill his engagement with the people of that place. Change of situation, however, did not interrupt his communion with God. On the way his mind was engrossed with divine contemplations. and with the duties and responsibilities of that new relation in which he now stood to the Church and the world. During a time that intervened between this and the Sabbath, he was not without misgivings, as he complains of his being almost discouraged and overwhelmed in view of his unfitness for the ministry, and wants of even wishing himself anything rather than a minister. He could hardly conceive it possible that one so inconceivably vile should be a child of God, but was nevertheless helped to cast his burden on the Almighty and to agonize in prayer to be delivered from this body of death. The Saturday next, preceding his first appearance in the pulpit, he had resolved to spend in fasting and prayer. But when the day arrived, his health would not permit it. The day on which a man first stands forth as the ambassador of God to his fellow men is an important era in his life, but it had been anticipated with so much concern by Mr. Payson that it seems to have been distinguished by no extraordinary strength of feelings. His own account of them is thus expressed. May 24th, Sabbath. Was favored with considerable fervency life and sense of dependence this morning. I endeavored to cast myself wholly on the Lord for support, as it was rainy. There were very few people at meeting, and I just got through without stopping. Spoke too fast and too low, was a good deal depressed after meeting, and the afternoon did a little better, but still bad enough. Was very much fatigued and almost in a fever, but enjoyed some comfort after meeting. His public engagements, important as he felt them to be, did not divert his attention from his own heart. On the contrary, personal religion continued to be a primary concern. Of this, as well as of the very nature of his spiritual exercises, there is an accumulation of evidence. May 28th. Enjoyed a very unusual degree of sweetness and fervor this morning. Oh, how precious did Christ appear to my soul! I would long to be a pure flame of fire in His service, to be all zeal and love and fervor. With what gratitude did I look up to Him, saying, Blessed Savior, behold how happy I am! And to thee all my happiness is owing, but for thee I should now have been lifting up my eyes, being in torments. Oh, what shall I render unto the Lord for all of his benefits? In the evening, in secret prayer, my soul was filled with unutterable longings and insatiable thirstings after God and Christ. I earnestly desired that all mankind might be as happy as I was, that they should all see what a glorious, aimable being God is, that they might love and praise Him. Retire to rest with a clear, sweet, realizing apprehension of my Savior's presence, and drop to sleep in this frame. Me, 29, enjoyed much of the same spiritual sweetness which I felt last evening, but was much exercised on account of pride, a rather love of applause, which was excited by some approbation which I lately heard was bestowed on my preaching, strove with all my might to be delivered from this hateful temper, and cried for some time to my supporter in strength ever to grant me his grace to help. Recall to mind that I had nothing which I had not received, that I had most wickedly and shamefully wasted and neglected to improve my talents, that applause was commonly ill-bestowed, and that the praise of men was of no worth compared with the approbation of God. By the divine blessing on these and other similar considerations, I was helped to overcome it. An evening with much assisted in prayer had a greater spirit of wrestling for the conversion of sinners than I ever had before. He is often discouraged by the little which he accomplishes, and the selfish motives with which that little is depiled. He is assailed by strong temptations which drive him to his knees for assistance, and by frequent recurrence of the same temptation, which cause him long and severe struggles before he is favored with complete victory. This is followed by increased confidence in God, is able to supply all his need, and at the same time with a more humbling sense of his unfitness for the ministry. Even when he is in a lively frame during several successive days, he is still astonished at his slow progress in religion. Again, pride and unbelief begin to work and render him miserable, and for defense against him he resorts to prayer. pleading various arguments for the space of an hour before he is able to repress pride and repining thoughts. Nor is this the extremity of his conflict. He has such a dreadful view of his heart that he could scarcely support the sight of himself. while this instead of humbling only distressed him so that he is at last obliged to desist without if he can perceive any answer at all. The next day he can cry Abba Father with all the confidence of filial love. June 6th had many sweet seasons of prayer during the day and was assisted in pleading for the presence of the divine spirit tomorrow. June 8th. Had great earnestness and secret prayer. Longed to be wholly devoted to God. Thought if I could from this time do everything for His glory I would willingly resign every worldly comfort and be the most despised object on the face of the earth. Went to a funeral and was assisted in speaking to the mourners and in prayer. June 9th. Renewed covenant and took God for my God and gave myself up to Him in sincerity and with more joy than ever I did before. And the afternoon was favored with another most sweet and refreshing season in secret prayer. Have seldom if ever felt more fervency, more hatred of sin, and more longing desires after holiness June 10th, the family being mostly absent today. A result is spended in fasting and prayer for a supply of ministerial gifts and Christian graces, especially that I might be made an able, faithful, and successful minister of the New Testament. Was assisted both last night and this morning in seeking the divine presence and blessing. God graciously heard and answered me. I was favored with great and unusual fervency and perseverance in prayer. Was enabled to confess and mourn over my sins, and mourn because I could not mourn more. And was assisted in renewing covenant with God, and in giving myself up to be His forever. I was entirely exhausted and worn out in body and mind before night by the strong and unutterable desires I felt after personal holiness and the success of Christ's kingdom. On the whole, it has been a very profitable day to my soul, as, by divine goodness, most, if not all, my fast days have been. Four days after this, he experienced the most melancholy reverse, viewing himself as the most vile, loathsome, worthless, wretched existence, could only throw himself prostrate and utter the cry of the publican, God, be merciful to me, a sinner. The cause of this distress is unintentionally indicated. He was sick in body and mind, but his poison offed the force of poison quells. So the far more wretched condition and still more melancholy prospects of a fellow creature caused him to forget his own misery. He was called to see a sick man, supposed to be dying. He was a professor. Aged eighty-seven, found himself on alarm, but he gave no satisfactory evidence of a change. Stated to him his danger in the remedy, but I fear to little purpose. was much assisted in preaching. My strength continued and even increased, though quite exhausted at the close. Went to see the sick man again. Found him better in body, but worse in mind. June 19th, rose in the same state of mind in which I lay down. Wrote out and felt some better, so that I found some liberty to pray. P.M. went with fear and trembling to attend a funeral. Was assisted in speaking to the mourners. As a multitude was very great, felt such intense longings and thirstings after more love to God and man, more devotedness to God's will, more zeal for His glory, that my body was almost overcome. Towards night was unable to plead with greater fervency than ever, so that I trust this will prove the most profitable day I ever have had. In the evening was greatly assisted in prayer, so that I could scarcely retire to rest. June 21st. Went to meeting with raised expectations, but it pleased God to leave me more destitute than usual, though I was carried through. When I first came out of the pulpit I was not in a very good frame. But before I got halfway home was easy. Satisfied and even pleased to be despised so that God's will might be done. Was much more assisted in the afternoon. Felt thankful. June 22nd. Very unusual degrees of fervor this morning. Very unwell all day and did a little in my study. An evening was overwhelmed with a sense of my own unworthiness. June 23rd. As soon as I awoke this morning my heart was filled with most intense love to God and Christ, so that it was even ready to break for the longing desires it had to go forth after God. I was greatly assisted in praying that I might be made an instrument of promoting the divine glory in the world. June 25, thinking it would be more convenient to keep my weekly fast on this day, sought the Divine Presence and Blessing, felt some warm affections towards my Savior at first, but afterwards could neither realize my wants nor pray to have them removed. continued in this frame till towards night, and was then favored with a deep sense of my utter vileness. Was also unable to plead, even with agony of soul, to be freed from the power of a selfish nature. Could not think of being any longer subject to it. June 26. Much favored. Felt insatiable desires after holiness, and that I might spend every moment of future life to the divine glory. June 29th. Faint, yet pursuing is a good model for me. Could do nothing in the morning, but in the afternoon gave up all hopes of ever doing anything. Iniquities seemed to prevail against me and I was ready to despair. But throwing myself on the Lord Jesus for help, I received strength. In the evening was favored with freedom, felt that I am much more habitually affected by religious subjects than I have been formerly, nor are my affections less vehement or less easily excited. July 5th, Sabbath. Had some devout feelings and desires after assistance this morning, but could not get hold of anything in a very realizing manner. Was very much deserted in prayer and sermon and felt much distressed. But in the afternoon was favored with great enlargement both in prayer and sermon. Felt a strong love for souls and for the Lord Jesus. Was weak and exhausted, but after resting a while had a most sweet, refreshing, strengthening season in prayer. Never before felt so much of the spirit of the gospel. Felt like a pure flame of love towards God and man. Self seemed to be almost swallowed up. Felt willing to go anywhere or be anything. by which God could be glorified and sinners saved. Felt my hopes of being useful in the world strengthened. Oh, how lovely, how kind, how condescendingly gracious did my God appear. Gave myself up to him without reserve, and took him for my only portion. Blessed be His name for this season. July 6th. Wrote out this morning and found much sweetness in continually lifting up my heart to God in fervent ejaculations. In the evening, had such a view of the difficulties in my way and of my exceeding sinfulness that I was ready to sink. But my blessed Savior put forth His hand and caught me. July 7th was harassed with wandering gloomy and distress and imaginations could not fix upon a text and was much perplexed what to do was overwhelmed with melancholy. P.M. Went to a funeral and was favored with some assistance. Went to make a visit. Found good Christian people, a most kind reception and a profitable conversation. Few enjoyments were more exquisitely satisfying to Mr. Pace than those which he derived from religious intercourse. In a company of fellow Christians whose feelings would rise responsive to his own when the themes of a savior's love and of human obligation and privilege were agitated. His soul seemed to revel in spiritual delights, and he was gifted by nature and grace with the prerogative of infusing a rich portion of his own emotions into the rest of the favored circle. These interviews are remembered by many a surviving pilgrim. It's among the liveliest emblems of that better country, which he had ceased to anticipate by actual fruition. It is not without a degree of shrinking that we follow him in a sudden transition from scenes like these into the very depths of distress. Other griefs, he says, leave the mind strength to grapple with them. But this oppressive melancholy cuts the very sinews of the soul, so that it lies prostrate and cannot exert itself to throw off the load. The next day, after painting this graphic and unequal description of its real malady, He is seen in a chariot of Amenadab, his mind moving with an angel's speed and performing the labor of many days in one. Was favored with fervency in freedom and prayer. Was greatly assisted in writing through the day and wrote nearly two sermons. Felt in a composed, thankful frame all day and felt a most ardent love for the Lord Jesus and for all mankind. In the mitigated forms of melancholy there is a soul-subduing power which few are able to resist. It then loses its repulsive character and the soul of the witness is attracted and melted into sympathy, a mind conscious of its misery. Yet retaining its balance and surveying its own desolation with unrepining submission presents a spectacle of moral sublimity not surpassed by anything which falls under human observation. This constitutes one of the charms of our Saviour's character, and much of the value of His example. In this attitude Mr. Payson may be seen in some of the following extracts, and very often in the course of his life. JULY 17. FIND THAT THE TWO PRINCIPAL THINGS IN WHICH I FELL EXTERNALLY ARE THE DUE IMPROVEMENTS OF TIME AND THE GOVERNMENT OF MY TONGUE. I daily lose many moments, I might almost say hours, in giving away too much to my feelings of gloom and discouragement, and I say many things which at best are unprofitable. July 19, Sabbath, rose very early. Worn out in body and mind, but felt sweetly resigned to the divine will, and was willing to be assisted as much and as little as God should see fit. Had some assistance, but after meeting was excessively weak and depressed, thought I would give the world if I never had preached, and it seems as if I never should go into the pulpit again. July 20th. Overwhelmed. Sunk. Discouraged with a sense of sin. All efforts seem to be in vain. Discoveries of my vileness instead of humbling me as might be expected only excited discouragement and unbelief, while the manifestations of God's love only make me proud and careless. My wretched soul cleaves to the dust. July 22nd. Oh, what a dreadful. What an inconceivable abyss of corruption is my heart! What an amazing degree of pride and vanity, of selfishness and envy it contains! July 23rd. Was excited to feel fretful and peevish at two or three trifling circumstances, but fled for refuge to the throne of grace, and by praying for myself, for the persons with whom I was disposed to be offended, and especially by meditating on the meekness and gentleness of Christ, was enabled to preserve peace and tranquility of mind, was much assisted in prayer. July 24th was visited by a young student in Divinity, and had some profitable conversation with him, was never able to converse in a clear manner upon religious subjects. July 25th. This being my birthday, I set it apart for solemn fasting and prayer with thanksgiving. After, confessing and mourning over the sins of my past life, and contrasting them with God's mercies, and offering up praise and thanksgiving for His goodness, I solemnly renewed covenant with God, and with my whole heart, so far as I could judge, gave myself, my friends, and all that I have to be disposed of as He should see fit. I felt willing to live or die, as God pleased, and to go among the Indians or to any part of the world where I could be instrumental in promoting the glory of God and the happiness of man. Felt unusually longing, insatiable, and intense desires after holiness of heart and life, and especially after humility. was never unable to pray more fervently for spiritual blessings, could wrestle and persevere therein, felt an impression that this is the last birthday I shall ever see. The next day was the Sabbath, and he was so far spent with its labors, that it was with difficulty he could reach his lodgings. The night was passed without rest and of his increased weakness in the morning. Satan was suffered to take advantage and fill his mind with unutterable anguish. But he found relief in prayer and felt strengthened to go on with fresh vigor in the Christian course exclaiming, oh how true it is that to those who have no might he increases strength. On July 29th, I yesterday read an author on the subject of human depravity, and being perplexed with some of his objections prayed to be guided to the truth in this doctrine, was now convinced beyond a doubt that in me naturally dwelt no good thing. Oh, how vile, how loathsome did my heart appear! I was ready to think I had never known anything at all of my own character before, and that there were infinite depths in my nature that I could not see. And the course of the day was favored with still further discoveries of myself, of true holiness, and of Christ, so that I seemed never to have known anything of religion before. August 3rd My Blessed Savior, compassionating my weakness, was pleased to make me strong in Himself and to favor me with the most refreshing season, where felt so desirous to depart and be with Christ, and at the same time more willing to live and undergo all hardships for His glory, desired that my life might be spent in a close walk with God. His desire to become a missionary revived about this time, but did not ripen into a fixed purpose for the plain reason that he could not determine that such was the will of God. He submitted the decision of the question to his master in heaven praying that God would do with him as he pleased in this respect. August 5th. Was greatly perplexed and distressed, yet tried to keep myself in a quiet, waiting frame, but found great difficulty in keeping out impatient, murmuring thoughts. Could not determine whether my being thus deserted was to punish me for my slothfulness and misimprovement of time, or only for the trial of my faith and patience. My soul remembered the bitterness and the gall which it had once before experienced on a similar occasion and shuddered at the idea of a renewal. extracts might be multiplied exhibiting him as sinking in deep waters where the floods overflow him, and then again surprised with a sudden visit from his blessed Lord full of sweetness to his soul, his mind at one time so clogged in its operations by his burdens that he tried in vain to write at another. so buoyant that almost confined to his bed he is unable to write a whole sermon in a day. This contrast is nowhere more strikingly marked than by the following entry, after suffering from melancholy, which overwhelmed him like a thousand mountains so that his soul was crushed under it. August 15. Rose in a Suite Tranquil, thankful frame. Blessing God for the storm of yesterday and the calm today. Oh, how great is His wisdom, how great His goodness. Had faith and freedom in prayer. Yesterday, I thought God Himself could hardly carry me through. But today, Oh, how changed! Before this, a reader may have expected to learn what influence his secret devotions had on the services of the sanctuary, also the result of his public labors in regard to the people to whom he ministered. It is almost superfluous to add that they were not without effect. Others took knowledge of him that he had been with Jesus the solemnity and unction of his social prayers, the earnestness and variety of argument with which he pleaded at the throne of grace, his unyielding opportunity for the blessings which he sought, had roused attention and drawn forth a confession that the Spirit of the Holy God was within him. God must help him, for he could never pray so, said an observing man who had previously professed no regard for religion. Herein he doubtless expressed a generally prevailing sentiment, as Mr. Payson mentions among his trials, well meant, but in judicious commendations, while he renders all the glory to God in who did not suffer him to forget his own weakness. But besides the general impression produced by his preaching, he was instrumental of individual conversions. More than once he was allowed to record an event like the following. Truly in faithfulness God afflicts me. Early this morning a young man came to me under deep distress of mind and gave quite satisfactory evidence that he had experienced a real change. He said he had received great benefit from my preaching. This is a very seasonable cordial to my fainting spirits. Such events caused him to retire to his chamber. overflowing with wonder and gratitude at God's unmerited goodness to such a miserable wretch. His faithful conversation was also blessed to the family with whom he resided. In the last Sabbath on which he officiated in Marlborough, it was his happiness to propound his host and hostess as candidates for admission into the church. Thus early did God honor his ministry, and give him an earnest of the power which was to attend the word dispensed by him. Enough has been developed to show the secret of Dr. Payson's greatness and of his success. He laid hold on the divine strength. Prayer, by which the creature communes with God and obtains grace and help in every time of need was imminently the business of his life and the medium through which he derived inexhaustible supplies. It was not the stated morning and evening incense alone which he offered, but that he had much enlargement and many sweet seasons of prayer during the day, his manner a frequent record and probably a still more frequent experience. Almost incessantly was he conversant with spiritual and eternal things. His conversation was in heaven. He also valued and sought the intercession of others. In a letter to his parents, probably the first, he wrote after he commenced preaching, he says, I beg you to pray for me most earnestly and importunately. I seem to be walking on a hair and hardly dare go down to breakfast or dinner lest I should say or do something which may disgrace the ministry or hurt the cause of religion so that I shall never need your prayers more than now. The sensibility to danger here is so apparent, though it occasionally subjected him to temporary indecision and perplexity, was next to the promised support of the Most High, his greatest security. It will also have been seen that Mr. Payson was subject to great extremes of feeling at one time. caught up with Paul, where he had heard things unutterable, and, at another, sunk to the lowest point of depression where existence was a burden too heavy for him. Many have imagined his Christian career to have been one of uninterrupted joy and triumph, and such will perhaps regret any allusion to those seasons. when a soul was cast down in him. But to keep these out of sight would be to conceal a class of affections from which his exercises, language, and conduct received important modifications. In judging of this class of his exercises, it should not be forgotten. that his health was already undermined. His system had lost much of its elasticity and encountered a shock from the effects of which it never afterwards recovered. Besides, he had a constitutional predisposition to melancholy. which other branches of his family are said to have inherited to a still more painful degree. His religion, instead of being the cause of his gloom, was his only refuge from its overwhelming effects. The precious doctrines of grace, according to his own views of them, alone kept him from sinking. There is one aspect in which all the hardships that he imposed on himself the ruin of his constitution by abstinence, night vigils, an extraordinary exertion, and even all his mental agonies may be viewed with a feeling of entire reconciliation. All these trying processes to which he subjected his mind may justly be regarded as a series of experiments on himself designed by Providence for the good of the Church, Indeed, of the human race. To him, in the exercise of his future ministry, they were incalculably valuable. The knowledge acquired by this painful experience was not without vast expense to himself, but it constituted one of the most important qualifications for aiding numerous other souls through the labyrinths of error and mental distress. In this way, he was taught how to speak a word in season to him that is weary. to be a guide of the blind, a light to them that are in darkness, a teacher of babes. So familiar did he become with almost every possible case of conscience, every form of spiritual trial and delusion to which either inquiries or established Christians are exposed, that he could instantly recognize their symptoms and apply the needed antidote. In all his revolutions of feeling, varied exercises and changing frames are as discoverable in a varying simplicity of purpose. The destruction of sin and the extension of the empire of holiness in himself and others are the objects constantly before him. His eye was single and directed to the glory of God, and he longed for the salvation of men as a work in which the divine glory imminently appears. He complains frequently of his pride, vanity, and selfishness, qualities doubtless imminently congenial with his unrenewed nature, but which were now evidently most unwelcome intruders, and which was his constant grief that he could not wholly dislodge. Let those who would convert his full confessions into a proof that he was sinful above all men be reminded that, if they were to watch emotions of their own hearts with the same unrelenting severity, they might find even greater abominations in any of which he complains. holding hitherto undisturbed empire over their souls and not as in him annoying yet conquered passions which a gracious principle would in the end wholly eradicate. On the 18th of August he took a very affectionate leave of the family by whom he had been so kindly entertained. and revisited home where he spent three days and then set out in a violent rain for North Andover, Massachusetts, where he had an engagement to preach and felt some consolation in reflecting that he was going on his father and savior's business. The second day he arrived wet, wearied, and dejected. Of his performances on the following Sabbath, he says, I had little assistance in preaching and pleased neither the people nor myself. He immediately proceeded to the scene of his future labors, a field vastly more extensive, and one which he was eminently fitted to occupy.