So we've gone through the first nine chapters and we've come to chapter 10, and I've just been interested in just getting into this subject. I think it's a very neglected subject. So we've had three or four lessons just on this subject itself. So some of this has been going beyond that chapter and some of my research and study on the subject and that kind of thing. So with all that being said, let me jump into it. and bring up to speed on where we're going to get to today. I'm not going to use the whiteboard because I don't really have anything to put on it this time. This was some of the introductory statements that I started with. The world wants you to believe that the best sex or sexual experience to be had are whatever you or another consenting adult would desire to have. As Christians, we stand out and say that God has declared that the most amazing, mind-blowing, beautiful, and God-glorifying sex that can ever be had is between a man and woman within the covenant of marriage. But here's my question with understanding this study. Is that happening? Is that taking place? And in my notes, I have it in all caps because it should be. The world and rebellion against God's design should not be experiencing better sexual experiences than those of those who are living in the realm of honoring God in that area. Sadly, more than a few Christians believe that sexual relations and marriage are dirty or taboo. They seem to have forgotten that God not only created sex, but did so in such a way to make it one of the most pleasurable experiences in life. We looked at Genesis 1-1. In the beginning, God created. And so with that creation, we see that not only did God create it, He is the owner of it. So we walk through that. I mentioned, and we talked about this in length a little bit, there are two major, not the only barriers, there's many other barriers. But in my estimation, two major barriers to great God-glorifying sex are sexual sin and sexual abuse. And I'm not gonna go any more into that because I've talked about that at length the first time and a little bit the second time. The way in which you participate in sex always reveals the true spirituality of your heart. And then I talked about this. I believe that there are three components that make up the sexual life of a Christian married person. Number one, there's the biblical aspect. And that's what we covered the last time we met. We really just dove into a theology of sex and tried to help us understand it. So let me run briefly over those notes. So I said there's the biblical aspect, the relational aspect, and the physical aspect. See, most people, and I say most people, the world thinks there's only the physical aspect. They want to, for lack of a better term, dumb it down. They want to reduce it, that's the word I want, to reduce it down to just the physical aspect, right? Cheap sex, you can have, you know, there's no judgment, you can tender and find somebody and just hook up. They wanna reduce it down to just the physical act, but that's not the case. And the sad problem is, is that how much that has influenced the Christian world? and the Christian home, because many in the Christian home have done the same thing. I remember sitting in marriage counseling, no, I was counseling a couple, and just talking about different things, dynamics they had going on, and you know, one of the first things that I do is like get the problems, what's the issues going on here? And one of the issues was the sexual relationship. And one of them believed like, oh, it's just sex is sex. That was the statement that was made. Sex is sex. And said that they were involved in their previous marriage as swingers and that kind of thing. And that had led them to just believe and have a viewpoint, a worldview, that sex is sex. And I'm like, OK. There are times whenever it's like, OK, you really have to fight not making a reaction. So it's just like, you're taking it in. All right. OK. Wow. So there was a lot of breaking down some conceptions there. But honestly, it has creeped its way in there. Let me run through these quickly and then we'll get to where I want to cover today. Your sexual life is always an expression of what you truly worship. In sex, you are either self-consciously submitting to God or setting yourself up as God. Paul Tripp says, since sexual problems arise from the heart, it's important to make some biblical observations of the heart. We ran through that list. Pleasure is God-glorifying. Pleasure exists as a sign of the one in whose arms I will enjoy the only pleasure that can satisfy and give rest to my heart. And pleasure exists to put God in my face and remind me that I was made for Him. Said pleasure demands boundaries, boundaryless pleasure. is a deception. By God's design, it doesn't exist. And if it did, it could never work. And that is another cultural willful lie. They know it's not working. But it's like they're like a little kid. This is what the world is. They're a little kid with their fingers in their ears and their eyes closed saying, I can't hear you. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. Because you look at the train wreck of what no guidelines and no boundaries on sex is wreaking havoc on the culture. And they want to ignore it. And they're just doing that. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. And what are they doing? Because of all of the ramifications that's happening, they're trying their best to reach and grasp for straws on coming up with other explanations on why you're struggling with these problems. It can't be because you're living so immorally. And that's where we're at. And then I finished up with this. Sex is connected to God's existence, God's glory, God's purpose, God's revelation, God's redemption, God's eternity. So that was last time. So this is where we're going to get into the relational aspect. So we looked at the biblical aspect, meaning a healthy theology of sex. So now we come to the relational aspect. Most Christians or couples fail to realize that sexual difficulties are typically symptomatic. That is, they are not usually the real problem, but are the byproduct of other problems in the relationship. And this is what I call the relational aspect. Let me read it again. Most Christians or couples fail to realize that sexual difficulties are typically symptomatic. That is, they are not usually the real problem, but are the byproduct of other problems in the relationship. Now, let me explain that in a more practical way. Let's say, and I'm not going to say you, let's say somebody comes to me and they say they're in the counseling office or something and they say, you know, maybe it's just a guy or maybe it's a couple. And they say, we're just, you know, how's your marriage going? Oh, it's great. Yeah, it's doing great. All right, so what's the reason you come to see me today? We're just having some real issues in the marriage bed, in our sex life. Now he says that, or they say that, and they're trying to communicate to me that there's no other problems anywhere else, there's only one problem here in this location. And let me tell you what I hear. There's probably something else going on that you're not telling me yet. That you haven't revealed. Now, let me say this. That's not 100% always the case. We have to be very careful of just making cut and dry black and white statements that this is always it, always. It's not always the case, okay? And because of a propriety, I want to try to refrain from using personal illustrations. Okay, but I could use some personal illustrations that explain why that is, where it's like, it may be, it may be where, yes, as we dug into the issues, that if we looked at, the majority of your issue is located in that, but what they failed to understand is that there are other smaller aspects in their marriage relationship that are affecting that, that if we corrected that and aligned those things back up, then you'll start seeing this stuff come together a lot easier. Yeah, we may need to get some instruction and some things like that, but doing that still isn't going to be the fix until we get these relational things out of the way. What I'm about to tell you, if you don't remember anything else, I want you to remember this statement, all right? If you forget everything about this morning, I want you to remember this. This is the key statement, okay? I heard this listening to a session, so this is not original with me, and I listened to like a workshop or something on sex and marriage, And I enjoyed it and this one impacted me and then I was like, you know, did this sort of classy thing of like, you know, Mary and I go on a date. Let's hit play on this. And so now we're both listening to it and she's like. Are you wanting me to listen to this? That kind of thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's listen to it. So that was said. So she's listened to it. And the funny thing was, she's just sort of like, at times, her eyes were glazed over. At times, she's very interested. At times, she laughed. But whenever this statement was made, she was like, mm, stop the presses. That right there, yes. And I was like, OK. So there's a reason why it impacted me. It was big. It was C.J. Mahaney. C.J. Mahaney wrote a book that I read this year as part of my specialization training in marriage and family called Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God. It's a really good book. I do recommend it. But he really hammers home in an entire chapter this statement. So let me read what I got down here. A great principle that I heard, one principle that I heard several years ago and need to be reminded of regularly, but it is so true and it is so good. Here it is. Touch your wife's heart before you ever touch her body. Touch her heart before you touch her body. This is one of the keys to the relational aspect. Touch your heart before you touch your body. Why do we need to be reminded of that as men? Because we are created differently. Right? I mean, I think a imbalance of understanding men is that we don't view sex necessarily like emotionally and enjoy the connection. That's false. All right? We're not going to get into like testimonials right now, but listen, we do. We do. We enjoy the emotional aspect and the connection that we have with our wife in the act. But it's a much deeper level with our wives than it is with us. Because while we can be turned on a heel and ready to go, it's not necessarily the way it is all the time with them. Now, again, the difficult thing in talking about this subject about men and women is because you have to constantly nuance it. Because there's a lot of things that seem like this is the way things are, this is what the common experience is, But there's always that one instance where it's like, no, that's not how that person works. All right, and I've learned this a lot more as I've gotten into counseling because you've heard these things like men are more visually stimulated and women are more stimulated by physical touch. It's not always the case. There's some women that are like visually stimulated and very much so. And I have come across some men that don't really like, how about this one, men have a, stronger sexual drive than women. Not necessarily the case all the time. What happens is because in our experience and the numbers seem to be more leaning towards men than it does women, but it doesn't mean it's like zero to women and 100% to men. Because there are some marriages and situations that I've found where the man's libido is not up here and the woman's is. And you can even get into that in the physical aspect. I don't want to get distracted on how they're feeling and sensations and experiencing pleasure. But coming back to this idea of touching her heart, her being relationally fulfilled and engaged is huge when it comes to the sexual marriage bed. So here's a couple of questions for you to evaluate. When physical touch happens between you and your spouse, is it more often non-sexual or sexual? Think about it this way. The amount of times in a 24-hour period that you touch your wife. And you guys understand what I mean by sexual and non-sexual, right? There's a difference between touching her back and then... You know what I mean? Does she receive, in a day, does she receive more non-sexual touches of affection than sexual? That communicates. What does it communicate? To your wife, it possibly could communicate this. I'm only interested in you for sexual gratification. Or I'm interested in you because I love you and I care for you. Okay. If someone asked your wife, what is the main thing your husband wants from you? What would her answer be? because it should not be just sex. Now, I'm not saying if that's true, right? There's a difference between reality and perspective. But I'm saying based on how your relationship is, how would she answer that by what she perceives? Okay. Let me ask you this. I didn't have this in my notes. This may be too much, but can you cuddle with your wife at night in the bed and she doesn't automatically think he's wanting one thing? Or maybe put it another way, does your wife understand that there are some nights where you may just come over and cuddle with her and then go back and go to sleep with nothing ever happening? It's a little bit more difficult, huh? It is something. All right. That's a good segue into the one area that I want to focus on and helping restore this aspect or strengthen this aspect in your marriage. And that is communication. Communication. Because my wife and I have had those types of conversations. OK. What exactly were you wanting last night? Was that, was I, okay. And so we just talk about it. Talk about it. Not all the time. And that was interesting for her to pick up, like, really? I just thought, well, no. Okay. And so communication through that. And let's just be honest. While communication is always something that could use work in our marriage, communication about sex between each other, It's not normally the strong point in our communication, right? But it's a hurdle I think we need to get over and talk. And while there's differences in the dynamic, it may not be you that struggles with communicating about the sexual relationship. It may be her. And so that's where the verse comes in that I want to point out to you, that nothing new, nothing we haven't even covered already in this, but 1 Peter 3, 7. We need to remind ourselves of this as we're dealing with our wives. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives, how? In an understanding way. showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. So there's the encouragement, the biblical mandate and encouragement to, no, you don't need to get frustrated. And demanding that this is what you know is gonna be best for the marriage, but she struggles, understanding. You need to be understanding. So a major aspect as it concerns communication about this subject of sex with your wives comes down to an issue of security, safety. So here's a question. Does your wife feel safe to communicate with you about anything and everything? And if she does not, why? And that question right there is not to sort of express that it's you. Okay. Let me explain. Your wife may not feel safe or secure and talking openly and freely about the subject of sex with you. And it may not be because you've done a bad job. It may be because she's had some very harsh experiences in her past that she wishes to forget. And while, yes, you guys are to be one, She may just not really want to talk to you about it. Listen, I'm not giving her an out. She has to talk to you about it. You guys have to talk about it. But she's scared about, this is one of the things a lot of times with sexual abuse that happens in the past. They're afraid that once you know, you'll look at her different. And so think through ways that you can make her feel secure and safe. I wanna, this is a booklet that I think is fantastic, and if I can, this is the closest thing to a testimonial that I'll give. I wish I had this five years ago. This is a booklet by Rob Green. Rob Green is one of the pastors at Faith Church Lafayette, Faith Church in Lafayette, Indiana, under Steve Vires. He is the head of biblical counseling out there. He teaches in their seminary. But it's a little booklet called Not Tonight, Honey, Handling Your Wife's Sexual Rejection. And he had a fantastic section. So I know that reading is not the best lesson, especially on a Saturday morning. But I do want to read a couple of portions of this because I think it's just so good. And he talks about this aspect. He has a whole section on establishing safety and security in your relationship. He says, think for a moment about why people in our culture wear clothes. I think part of the answer is that nakedness makes you vulnerable. If you accidentally walk into the opposite sex's locker room, you will watch everyone scurry for towels as you try to get out as fast as possible. If you watch a teen lose his shorts, the first thing he does is reach for them. Why? There is no safety or security in those moments. You just hope your picture does not end up on YouTube. The idea has implications for marriage. For a husband and wife to enjoy sexual intimacy, there must be safety and security in the relationship. The wife cannot wonder whether he thinks she is attractive. Think about that. The wife cannot wonder. That's a big and tall order. Why? Because what are all the things in our culture screaming? There's somebody more beautiful out there that wants your money and attention, right? I mean, porn industry, hello? She cannot think, I wonder if he thinks I'm fat, or I wonder if he has noticed that I have gained 10 pounds this year. Now, for many of us, I read that statement, I think, as an adult, but they think things like that. I wonder if he has noticed that her thoughts cannot be, I wonder what kind of criticism I will get if I do not do my part right. or I wonder if he only stays with me for sex. And she cannot focus on, I wonder, what we will argue about tonight. Safety and security are necessary in a close relationship. And so he points out several points on this aspect. So instead of reading the whole section, and I'll conveniently lay this over there, so if you want to like privately grab it and take it home. Listen, it shouldn't be any shame. This is phenomenal, all right? If not, like listen, I'll give everybody now. If you don't want to read this, like if Read this for somebody else that you can pass along to somebody that may come up to you and say, I'm struggling with this because they trust you and nobody else, okay? So here's the points. If you criticize as much or more than you compliment, you do not have safety and security in the relationship. If you criticize as much or more than you compliment, safety and security is gone. Here's number two. If you do not thank her for sex but simply expect it, you do not have safety and security in a relationship. Number three, if she can honestly never say no without you having an adult temper tantrum, you do not have safety and security in a relationship. Listen, we're all sort of smirking because we know we do it. We just don't want to admit it because we're men. My wife would never say temper tantrum. She would use this, you're pouting. You're pouting. And two things happen whenever I hear that. I get mad, but then I'm like, yeah, she's right. And so I'm like, I need to change. Okay. Number four. If you are manipulating your wife for sex, you do not have safety and security in the relationship. All right, those are just snippets. This book is fantastic in that area. I think, I know that we've strayed from husband and wife, but, which is okay. But I think that one of the key elements to what you're saying is how important the father is to a daughter. That's a hundred percent. I remember, and this was still, this is still sort of, you know, IFB days, but I still, it's one of those nuggets that I still carry over and think is so good. And that was one of the best parenting advice that this person said I could ever give anybody is to love your spouse in front of your kid. because it brings stability to them, it brings security to them, and it teaches them what it's supposed to look like and how they should be a spouse in the future. And I've always sort of, I mean, I know it's just a, it's a good sort of wisdom nugget, I think. I don't know if I've ever found it necessarily, those types of things in Scripture explicitly, but I think it's just good wisdom for our parenting. No, affirmation is not a bad thing. Affirmation is a good thing. But affirmation, like most things, needs to have a balance, right? Because if all you're doing is affirming, there's probably not truth going on, right? I mean, because part of it is like, yeah, especially as a parent, we have correction that must be done. All right. And there are behaviors. And as a girl dad, three times over, needs to look on their face when you have to correct it. Rips your heart out, but it must be done. Let me package that just a little bit more direct, what Jeremy's, I think, getting at. Finding where it is, let's talk about our wives. Finding where it is that the affirmation or being affirmed actually means something. Alright, for instance, For some wives, affirming their physical appearance or their physical beauty may be heavy, but let me just use this illustration. For some wives, you may affirm what they look like so much that whenever you affirm what they look like, it's like, yeah, I know you think I'm hot, okay? But what are you not affirming? All right, so let me give you a little illustration to sort of get where I've started putting this into practice. Several years ago, I was doing some training on domestic abuse. One of the guys that I was listening to is a guy named Chris Moles. He's out in West Virginia, but his primary work is not actually working with the women. of domestic abuse. His primary work is working with the abusers, with the men. In fact, it's a long story, but the county actually asked him to come in and work with the men in the jail. So for many years, part of his week, he would drive over to the county jail and he would sit and hold a Bible study group with just the men who were arrested for domestic abuse. And part of that was to help them, but part of that, he was just, he was learning. He was taking observations and notes and stuff like this and just learning. And he had several insights that came from doing that, that have been helpful. One of the things that he, one of the stories he said was that he was one night, He had all these group of guys, they're all in jail for domestically abusing their wife or their girlfriend, and they're talking, and he asked them this question. He said, what is it that you can do that hurts your wife or girlfriend the most? and a couple of there's just it's quiet you know like whenever you're a leader and you ask a question to a group and it's just crickets for a little bit and he said one guy said when I criticized her for being a mother and as soon as that guy said that every single woman said bingo yep that's it and this one guy said man I can be just like letting her have it and she just takes it whenever I say that she's a terrible mom man she comes at me with haymakers And what he was saying was, is that is something in women that is treasured. So I got to thinking about that. It took me a couple years, but I got to thinking about that. If that was something that to be criticized about was so hurtful, turn it around. What about complimenting something about that out of nowhere? And this actually turned into a conversation yesterday between us, because I just sent her a text message, told her I was thinking about her, and that I didn't go into how hot I think she was and all this stuff. I said, I am so thankful for the mom that you are, and that you live authentically in front of our kids, and that you do such a great job teaching them. And she told me later that night, she's like, why did you send me that? And I was like, because that's true. I said, because I was thinking of it at the time, and that was sort of what was on my mind. And she said, I don't know what it is, John. Because through the years, I'll do that randomly. I'll send her a text message, just a heartfelt one, not a playful one, but a serious one. And she said, you can send me all kinds of stuff. It's like, oh, yay, smiley face emoji, heart emoji, that kind of thing. She said, when you talk to me about being a mom, I instantly want to cry. Let's go back to 1 Peter 3, 7, right? Live with her in an understanding way. And it's part of our responsibility to seek out that understanding, whether she can articulate or not. Because let's be honest, guys, while that's frustrating, are there times where she would want us to share things that we just really don't know how to articulate? Y'all? Okay, so it goes both ways, but at the same time, let's look at that as a challenge, as a charge. Let's see if we can draw out our wife's heart. Going back to sort of what you said, let me say this. I'm not so much of a negative Nelly, okay, this morning. I would say that there's absolutely, if you want to use like those terms to help you think in categories, It's a great observation. Let me say that. Gary Chapman made a very good observation in understanding those things. I would encourage you to do this, though. Don't focus on one. Just say, all right, when it comes to these five things, I want to meet these five things to my wife weekly, or if it's date night, then from the time I get up, I'm going to try to do all five. You know what I'm saying? Just be creative and that kind of thing. Well, let's wrap it up. I've got several more notes, but let me just drive home those two points. 1 Peter 3, 7, living with your wife in an understanding way. Touch her heart before you touch her body. Okay. I'll pray. Father, thank you for this day. Thank you for our men here. Thank you for just the opportunity. Father, I just am overwhelmed and thankful for these men who would want to learn how to be more like you and love their wife better. And thank you for providing this in your Word and drawing us to that. And I pray that you will help us too. grow in the truth of 1 Peter 3, 7, and that while we may not get that verse down perfectly, the truth down perfectly in our lives, this side of heaven, I pray that you'll put a desire in us to never want to stop, to never want to keep working at trying to love her and understand her, because we understand, we know that when we love her, more like You, it is drawing us to be conformed more into Your image. And Father, we seek to glorify You in our day and in our relationships and our family and even as parents, as fathers. We love You and we give You praise. In Jesus' name, amen.