The question is a hard one. We don’t want to offend; we should accommodate where we can for the sake of the gospel; we don’t want to lose a friend; we don’t want to dishonor God. These issues and more make for tough slogging. We need some biblical wisdom.

We need to answer the question of whether to use transgender names or pronouns at two levels: the institutional and the personal. It’s not that we’re going to come to different conclusions. Truth is truth at any level, and so is falsehood. But we might take different routes to get to our destination at each of those respective levels.

The Institutional Level

We’ve already said that truth is truth. It’s also true that God is God. And the things God has done are the things God has done. And the definitions and rules that God has made are the definitions and rules that God has made. I’m saying it like that to make a point: we don’t have the right to change truth, deny God, altar reality, or change the definitions or rules God has made. It’s God’s universe, not ours. God created us male and female. There are no more genders according to the one who created us. And though many would make a distinction between biological sex and gender, God does not.

We’re also commanded by God to speak the truth in love. We must never be ugly or harsh. We must never make fun of someone’s confusion and sin. We must never think we’re better than anyone. We all are born confused, rebel sinners and deserve God’s wrath. Our knowledge and freedom regarding these issues, like our salvation, is by grace. So, we must speak in the love of Christ, but we must speak the truth. There is no love apart from truth. It’s not either or; it’s both and.

The inescapable conclusion then is that we can’t use female gender pronouns for biological males or male gender pronouns for biological females. We can’t use the new pronouns the LBGT community is demanding. I can’t comply when Sally, a biological female who now says she’s a male, asks me to call her Sam. If Sam is short for Samantha, that’s okay. She’s female and identifying as such. But if Sally wants to be called Sam so she can now identify as a male, that’s not okay. Her name is a denial of God and the way He’s made her. She’s in open rebellion against her Creator, and its my job to lovingly warn her.

So, if I’m speaking at a theology conference, talking on a podcast, or writing this article here, I’m direct. I’m saying what I’m saying without hesitation. I’m not being ugly; I’m simply writing for a general audience saying here’s the truth – walk in it. In those instances, I’m speaking at an institutional level.

The Individual Level

But if I’m speaking to someone face to face, I might approach the issue a little differently depending upon the circumstance. Here’s an example: I do a little swim coaching, and the mom of a former swimmer called me. She told me her daughter wanted to get back in the water and wondered if she could join the swim clinic I was running. And by the way, she’s transgender and wants to be called by her male name. I had spent some time with this family a few years earlier and tried to point them to Christ. I told her I would be happy for her daughter to swim with us. I was nothing but kind and enthusiastic. I didn’t act shocked when she told me of this development; I didn’t say I won’t call her a boy; I didn’t say I wouldn’t use her new male name. I didn’t say anything other than I would love to see them all again. But I had a plan and started praying. My intention was to re-establish the relationship and look for the right time to have a conversation about what was going on with her and point her to Christ. I would say something like you know how much I enjoy coaching you and hope you’ll be swimming with us for a long time. We’re going to be friends no matter what. My intention would be to make it absolutely clear that I was coming from a place of love when I broached the subject. I would tell her I couldn’t call her by her male name, and I would tell her why. That’s the individual level.

The Right Thing to Do

Now some would say unless you tell someone upfront, it’s compromise. That may be, but I do know that Jesus didn’t tell His disciples everything up front. He even said, “I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now” (Jn. 16:12). Either approach seems to line up with Scripture. The real problem lies with those who simply acquiesce or those who intend to take my approach but never get to the gospel. Some will say they are accommodating when they are really trying to avoid conflict. Some intend to share Christ, but end up not doing so as time goes by. If you delay for the sake of the gospel, make sure you get to the gospel at some point. You then leave the results to God.

The Offense of the Cross

One more thing. Never forget that the Scripture says the gospel is offensive. The truth is offensive and often hurtful to rebel sinners. We must not offend by being unthoughtful in what we say, but the message itself will offend. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give it. We must—for God’s glory and their good. Paul said if he were to compromise and preach circumcision to the Jews, because that’s what they believed, the offense of the cross would have been emptied of its power (Gal. 5:11). Speaking the truth in love may hurt someone, but it’s power! And, it’s the only thing that can save them.