Psychologist Cliff Notarius of Catholic University and Howard Markham of the University of Denver spent 20 years studying married couples from the time that they got married until either they divorced or separated or stayed together. They were looking for predictable patterns in order to somehow try to help stave off the avalanche of divorce in the United States. And after 20 years, they wrote down what they had found in a book that they co-authored and entitled, We Can Work It Out. I thought to myself, why in the world did they give that book that title? We Can Work It Out. Do you remember the Beatles song? We Can Work It Out. Maybe they were trying to build on that or something. So I looked at the lyrics of that song. Here's part of them. Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend. Right? But anyhow, they put together these findings and they pointed out some things that were very interesting to me, not what I had expected. And I'm not a friend of psychologists or psychiatrists who embrace secular philosophy and thinking to the exclusion of the word of God. But I have to admit one thing about them. They're good observers. They can observe things and say, OK, this is what we saw and write them down, and this is these are some of their results. It doesn't matter how in love a newlywed couple say they are. That's not the thing that bears the most upon whether they stay together or not. It doesn't matter how much affection they exchange. And then the one that really floored me, it doesn't matter how much they fight or what they fight about. Now, here's what's most interesting, couples who endure and those who won't look remarkably similar in the early years of their marriage. In fact, over the first 10 years of a couple's marriage, they saw a very subtle but telling difference that divided these two groups and that grew over the next 10 years. Here's what it was. Among couples who would ultimately stay together, five out of every 100 comments that they made about each other were put downs. But the couples who would later split, whether by separation or divorce, 10 out of every comments were insults. And as time went on, over that second decade of their marriage, they continued to say these things and the gap magnified. Until this heading, by the time they got to the point where they split, they were saying five times as many hurtful things, insults as before. So there was an increase of 25 percent over the previous 10 percent. Here's a quote from the book. Hostile put downs act as cancerous cells that, if unchecked, erode the relationship over time. And then they go on to say, in the end, relentless, unremitting negativity takes control, and the couple can't get through a week without major blowups. Now, what's interesting to me about that is what they've observed and discovered is what God had penned for us in the book of Proverbs and other passages many, many hundreds of years ago. In fact, do you remember these verses from last week? These verses from Proverbs? Here we go. Here's some of them. Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword. In fact, I think the NIB translates this. Reckless words are like a soul, like a sword. But wisely spoken words can heal. Be careful what you say and protect your life. A careless talker destroys himself. Now, we don't have Proverbs 423 up here, but Proverbs 423 says, guard your heart for out of it flow the wellsprings of life. And Proverbs, did we already do 13-3? Let's go back. Oh, we did? OK. 1429, if you stay calm, you are wise. But if you have a hot temper, you only show how foolish you are. And you probably know, 15.1, a gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh word or a harsh one stirs it up. Kind words bring life, but cruel words crush your spirit. Listen before you answer. Now, the New Testament says the same thing, right? James 1.19, be quick to listen. I think I shared this last week or at some point, the Harvard Business Review says that successful executives listen 65 percent of the time. Well, if that's true for them to make their business a success, how much more true should that be of us to really understand someone else? If you don't, you're being stupid and insulting. When you say what you say can preserve life or destroy it. So you must accept the consequences of your words. Is that our last one? Now, that's kind of what happened, right? We saw this last week in Song of Solomon in the passage before the passage that was read in chapter five and verses two through eight. We saw the fact that Shulamite, who she was dreaming, she says, I was asleep, but my heart was awake. And she was dreaming because there were some very heavy things on her heart. Remember Ecclesiastes 5 and verse 3? Later on in life, the Spirit of God directs Solomon to say, burdens or things that weigh heavy on your heart are the cause of dreams. And so as a result of this, she's dreaming. She was irritable. She was upset. Solomon didn't come home on time. And she displayed an attitude and spoke words that were designed to put her husband in his place. And so as a result, there was a rift, right? Remember that he went to unlatch the door and then her heart was moved for him and she got up after saying, why should I get up and put on my dress and why should I get up and put on my shoes? But he backed off in the spirit of Ephesians, chapter five and verse twenty one. And went away. One of the things that amazes me about this book, the more that we study it, is how well it fits together. It's like a poetic flowing story of the courtship, the wedding ceremony, the wedding night, life after marriage. It fits together like hand in glove. And what a marvelous manual it makes for people who are planning to get married or are married. So after telling Solomon to get lost, and he did, She's now repentant about that. We saw how that figuratively speaking, remember verse seven of chapter five, the watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me, they struck me and wounded me. Her conscience was pricked even in her dream. The guardsmen of the walls took away my shawl from me. She's exposed for who she is and what she's done. So even though she's repentant, And she's looking for him. Remember, verse 8 of chapter 5. I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved as to what you will tell him, for I am lovesick. She's repentant, but there's not reconciliation yet. This is a gap, by the way, for married couples that needs bridged in every relationship. Boy, do I know this because I'm guilty of it. I've told the Lord I'm sorry for what I did, for what I said to my wife, and I'm sure that he forgave me because 1 John 1 and verse 9 says that he will. And then I go to my wife and I tell her that I'm sorry and I ask her to forgive me and sometimes with tears she says yes. But is that the end of it? Shake your head no. No, because that's not all there is. There still needs to be a coming together, a reconciliation, a healing process because of this ruptured relationship. There needs to be healing so that that problem, you can come to an agreement. You know, we're going to work on that and that's not going to happen again. And that's what this passage is all about from verse 9 of chapter 5 through chapter 6 and verse 13, how that the two of them come together again. And here she comes in repentance. And his response to that and how reconciliation takes place. And it's a marvelous passage because there are four questions. You heard Brother Bill mentioned that chapter five, verse one. What kind of beloved is your beloved? Most beautiful of women. What's this guy like? And it could also be translated. How is he any different than any other husband? That would be my preferred translation. And then in chapter 6 and verse 1, well, where did he go? We'll go help you find him. And then chapter 6 and verse 10, who is this that grows like the dawn, as beautiful as the full moon, as pure as the sun, as awesome as any army with banners? And then verse 13, why should you gaze at the Shulamite as at the dance of the two companies? And so what we're going to do is we're going to take those four questions. We're going to take the last two and combine them because they fit together. And so we're going to focus on three questions that really help us understand this process of going from repentance to reconciliation. Now, when you came or when you got your sheet last week, you said, yeah, but Pastor Ike, it said on our sheet from marriage to monotony? Question mark. Well, right. It fits together. It's the same thing. Is your marriage going to go from excitement to monotony over time as you have these conflicts and don't resolve them? It's the same as saying, are you going to go from repentance to reconciliation or not? Same thing. So as we focus on these three questions or what we're going to make three questions here, it's going to help us to understand how to get from repentance to reconciliation. And question number one is in verse nine. Now, I want to change the question a little bit, OK? Because she says to the daughters of Jerusalem, well, will you find him? Will you help me to find him, tell him that I'm lovesick? And they say, well, why should we do that? I mean, how is he really any different than any other husband? And that question is a great diagnostic question. They are saying to her, in essence, well, what is it in your heart that makes you really want to get back together with this guy. So I want to put the question in this form. Here we go. Will I search my heart? That's really where it begins. She must ask herself, what does she see in this guy? Now, I really like this because as we've been going through the DVD material with Dr. Tripp, You know, he's pointed out over the weeks and we're in week seven today of the 10 weeks that we're focusing on this. He makes it clear that the problem, the heart of the problem, is the problem in the heart. That's where all these conflicts and problems begin. And so it's necessary, first of all, to search the heart. The heart of our problem is the problem in the heart. I mean, it's one thing for her to go and to say to Solomon, I'm sorry. But she needs to look at her heart. Do I really mean that? Well, that would be true of any couple, right? Well, when I say something, I do something in the spirit of God brings conviction to my heart. Am I willing to ask myself, OK, if I go and say, I'm sorry, do I really mean that? I mean, she could go and say, OK, I shouldn't have said that, but you deserved it. But we need to get on with life anyhow, so please forgive me. And it's not going to go very well. I heard about a couple who were arguing and arguing, and they were going on and on and on. And finally, the wife said, OK, OK, let's call a truce. Husband said, OK, I'm willing to call a truce. This has gone on long enough. I don't think it was them, but there was another couple I read about who were heard about. They were arguing over a rubber band. I think it went on for four hours, they said. Four hour argument over a rubber band. I don't have any rubber bands that valuable, do you? Anyhow, they said, let's call a truth. And the husband said, OK, and the wife said, OK, what I'm going to do is I'm going to say I'm wrong. And then you say, no, you're right. He said, all right. So she said, OK, I'm wrong. He said, you're right. You know what happens. Ogden Nash was a poet. He wrote, To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it. Whenever you're right, shut up. Now, that's not original with him. Do I have Proverbs 17, 14 on there? The start of an argument is like the first break in a dam. Stop it before it goes any further. He just was a little more poetic with Proverbs 17, 14. You see, to have true reconciliation, you have to have a change of heart. You have to own your sin and acknowledge it before God. You must tell God what you did wrong and make no excuses for it. Proverbs 28, 13 says, if you confess and forsake your sin, you will find mercy. Insincerity breeds mistrust, and we're going to see as we go on through here that mistrust is not going to help the relationship at all. But to really move ahead then toward reconciliation, you ask yourself this question. And as we look at verses 10 through 15, I want to put that in the form of a question, too, because in these verses, then she's saying, OK, here's why. Here's why I want to search for him. This is what he means to me. And so I want to put it in the form of this question, will I look for the best in my spouse? Because that's what she's doing. She says, verse 10, my beloved is new American standard says dazzling. I didn't quite catch the translation of the NIV you read from the NIV, right? Radiant, they translate it radiant because the Hebrew word is white. But it doesn't mean that he has white skin. Because the next phrase says, my beloved is dazzling and ruddy. And ruddy has the idea of manly. And later on, when we look down at the verse, verse 14, his hands or his arms are rods of gold. It has the idea of darkened skin. And he has black hair and darkened skin. So it doesn't mean that he has white skin. He's radiant. He's dazzling. I mean, I just really like him. She says, what my beloved is dazzling and cruddy. I mean, ruddy. That's the problem, some husbands are cruddy. Outstanding among 10,000, his head is like gold, pure gold. I don't think that she's speaking there of his material or physical head. She's talking about the fact that this guy is intelligent. And his intelligence is amazing. Now, we already know that, right? Here's the wisest man who ever lived outside of Jesus. And when Brother Bill said, you know, it's figurative, well, he was talking about himself. He doesn't quite have the Black hair, his locks are like clusters of dates and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water bathed in milk and reposed in their setting. His cheeks are like a bed of balsam. The idea is just like spices. Banks of sweet scented herbs. Now, I'm not sure why the translators translate it that way, because the verb means to grow hair. I think she's talking about his beard. And his lips are lilies dripping with liquid myrrh. His hands, the Hebrew word means arms, are rods of gold. He has darkened skin and his arms are rods. We say it like this. This guy's got guns for arms. He is muscular. Set with barrel, his abdomen is carved ivory, inlaid with sapphires. He has a six pack. All I could ever say to my wife is I have a cake, but it's not the same thing. Now, he's really built this guy. His legs are pillars of alabaster set on pedestals of pure gold, his appearances like Lebanon, the beautiful cedar trees of Lebanon choice as the cedars. Now, I imagine. That most women, when they read this, they would say, you know what? If I had a husband like that, I could repent and be reconciled real fast. But I want you to think about this. I mean, they've been married a while, but there's still this newness and the outward appearance that's still there. But that's not all that she's reflecting about. She's thinking to herself, yeah, that's a good question. Why should I go after this guy? What is there about why did I marry this guy in the first place? Now, I think that's a very important lesson for every married couple. Why did I marry this person in the first place? What is it that I saw in them that attracted me to them? Remember the question? Will I look for the best in my spouse? And you might say, yeah, but you know, as the years go on, that outward appearance fades. Exactly. But as the years go on, the outward appearance fades and you already know what it is that's attractive about them. This should be more obvious to you now than ever before. And you are called to think back about that. What is it about this individual? I seriously doubt that if all the reasons that you married somebody have evaporated over time. That what really is needed is a reminiscing, a real heart searching to say, OK, what is it about this individual that I love? Way too often, we don't see things because we don't want to. We don't hear things because we've conditioned ourselves to hear something else, even though this is what the person has said. That's why it's so crucial to listen and to search our hearts. So will I look for the best in my spouse? And then look at verse 16. Let's put this in the form of a question, too. Well, I listen to befriend my spouse because this is what she says. His mouth is full of sweetness and his words aren't crass or crude and he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend. Oh, daughters of Jerusalem. She reminisces that his words were kisses and his kisses were words. Now, on Wednesday evening, I think I mentioned this to you before, we looked at Titus chapter two and verse four, where it's wives are commanded to befriend their husbands. That's what she says here, right? She says in verse 16, this is my beloved and this is my friend. So this is an important question, is your spouse your friend? If you could spend time with anyone, would you choose your spouse? When you hear something or you learn something, with whom do you want to share it first? Now, I don't think we have time right now, but I heard a really funny joke the other day. First person I told was Nancy. And she really thought that was funny. Pastor Del heard it last night. We'll have to tell you later about the guy that played the bagpipes. But Shulamite, as she reminisces about this, she's searching her heart and she's saying, yeah, they've asked me a very important question here. What is it that I see in this individual? Why is it that I should stay with them? Is this person really my friend? Is your spouse really your friend? If you could spend time with anyone, would you choose your spouse? Now, that's question number one and an important question in terms of moving from true repentance to reconciliation. I have to search my own heart and ask myself, am I really going to go to this individual and say, please forgive me and get on the track of reconciliation out of sincerity of heart and not just because, well, I need to get by. Not just because, like the guy I told you about last week, had to catch a flight the next day. So once I get to that point, then the next question is crucial. Chapter 6, verse 1. Will I seek forgiveness? Now here's the question right in the text. Where has your Beloved gone, O most beautiful among women? Where has your Beloved turned that we may seek Him with you? Now that's the crucial part of that question. That we may seek Him with you. We understand now that you really are in love with this guy. That you see the best in him. Did you really want to be his friend? So we're willing to help you. Let's get on the way and find out where this guy has gone. They're convinced that she's ready to seek forgiveness, and it's because of this result of her heart searching in verses 10 through 16. And so if you're going to really have forgiveness, chapter 1 and verses 1, chapter 6 and verses 1 through 3, will I look for my beloved? That's what's going on here. That's a number two. Well, I look for my beloved. Now, typically, when you have conflict or there's a spat, you don't even want to see the person. What a great indication that her heart is now in tune with God and she's willing to go and find him and meet with him for reconciliation, because it's one thing to be willing to do something. But unless there's action, is it really sincere? Every time I meet people, if we could put it in this room, every time I meet people who say, yeah, I'm a Christian, I know the Lord Jesus Christ. Oh, where do you go to church? I don't go to church. Well, think about John chapter three and verse thirty six. The one who believes in the sun has eternal life, but the one who does not obey the sun shall not see life. But the wrath of God abides on him. That verse puts believing and obedience parallel with each other. In other words, if I really believe something, I take action. I do something about it. 1 John 2, verse 4, the one who says, I know him, but doesn't keep his commandments is a liar. And the truth is not in him. Now, doing those things don't save you. Faith is the root, but doing it, the action is the fruit. And that's what's going on here. She is not only willing, she is going to go and look for him. Verse two says, My beloved has gone down to his garden, to the beds of balsam, to pasture his flock in the gardens and gather the lilies. She knows where he went. I really like that. When you have a conflict with your spouse, do you know where they went? Oh, OK, I'm going to get out of here so I can think about this and calm down for a while. And so your spouse leaves. Where'd they go? Do you know where they went? Oh yeah, I know where my wife goes. She goes out to the pole barn to work on stained glass. Oh, I know where my wife goes. She goes out to the garden to clear her mind. Oh, I know where my husband goes. He goes out to the garage. Now, that's a good thing. You know where they've gone because you know them well. That's exactly what's going on here. And she says in verse three, I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. He who pastors his flock among the lilies. Now, this is the assurance that God has brought them together and they are one. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved's is mine. You see, what I do for my spouse, I do for myself. Because God has made us one under his mighty hand. Now, the other thing I really like about this, and we're going to see it in verses four through nine, is that Solomon is willing to be found. Right. She doesn't go down there and he says, oh, it's you. Go away. I don't want to talk to you right now. No, he's willing to be found. I like that attitude. Not only did he leave when he started to open the latch and went away, but now she's pursuing him and he's willing to be found. That's good because marriage is not just words at a ceremony or they lived happily ever after. Marriage is hard work. We heard in our call to worship, right? If the grass looks greener on the other side, then you need to water your side with prayer and fertilize it with Scripture. In order for that grass to grow and become stronger. Now, she's faced with something that's going on here in verses four through nine, and that is she's faced with a question of whether she's really going to believe him or not. And I think that's beyond our outline, right? Well, I believe. Well, I learned to believe my spouse because she comes down and she finds him. She finds him in the garden. And what happens? He says, you are as beautiful as tears of my darling, as lovely as Jerusalem, as awesome as any as an army with banners. Now, that was a little shocking to her, I think, because later in verse In verse 12 of this chapter, it says, Before I was aware, my soul set me over the chariots of my noble people. Before I was aware, all of this kind of took me by surprise. He's so willing. He's so forgiving. He just, I'm overwhelmed. That's the idea. And when he says to her, you're as beautiful as Tirza, he's talking about one of the important agricultural cities of that of later what was going to become the divided kingdom. It was unique. It was special because it was majestic, unspoiled in its beauty, fresh, green with all the crops that were growing there. And he compares it as lovely as Jerusalem to say, you know, these cities, Tirza and Jerusalem, they are unique and special to God. And here's the point. You are unique and special to me. That's the correlation that he's making. As awesome as an army with banners. Turn your eyes away from me, for they have the new international version. You heard this says overwhelmed me. or confused me. The idea is, is that there you are. You're special to me. You're unique. You're the one that I love. My heart is turned over within me. And then he starts to describe her almost like chapter four. Remember chapter four where he was describing her looks? But it's different. There's not the same description here completely. He summarizes it because he's making the point that you are unique and special to me. In fact, that's what he says in verse 9. My dove, my perfect one, is unique. Now I want to say something here about verse 8. There are 60 queens and 80 concubines and maidens without number. I don't think these are the queens and concubines of Solomon. I think this is the harem that he inherited from King David. And the reason that I think that is because in verse in verse eight, it says, and maidens or virgins without number. He's talking about the palace. He's talking about those queens and concubines in the palace and the other girls who are there in order to make a contrast with her and say, you know what? You are unique and special to me. These words are good words because he's reaffirming his commitment to her, just like back in chapter four. Now, she's faced with a question, right? He just kind of hits her. I'm so glad to see you, you're special, you're unique to me. I wanted to come and ask for forgiveness. Well, he's giving it right. He's saying, well, absolutely. Not a problem whatsoever. This is exactly what 1 Corinthians chapter 13 in verse 7 says. You know verse 4, love is patient, love is kind. But what about verse 7? Love believes all things. Do you remember what I said earlier about insincerity breeds mistrust? That's crucial in any relationship. You say something to somebody and then you don't back it up with your actions, mistrust begins to grow, develop. And Solomon is making it clear to her here that you can believe me. You can trust me. This is an underpinning of true love that the words are sincere and the actions are sincere and that she can believe him. Now, she's faced with a choice, right? She has to search her heart. She says, yes, I'm committed to this guy. And she goes looking for him. And then is he really going to forgive her? And he does. But there's another element here, when a person says, will you forgive me? And the other person says, yes, I will. Then you have to do something, right? You have to either accept it and embrace it or not. That's the question that we're using here in verses 10 and 13 to put together. Who is this that grows like the dawn? And verse 13, why should you gaze at the Shulamite? Is that the dance of the two companies? By the way, this is one of the most difficult verses to translate, but I would like to translate it like this. Why do you want to look at me when there are so many others in the dance? And if you take that word and you go back into the Old Testament and you look at it, you'll see that it refers to times when there were dances and there were, of course, a lot of women there. But the point that's being made here is, is that why should you do this for me? How am I different than anyone else? And it's the fact that he has set his love upon her. That's why. But the question is this, will I submit to forgiveness? Verse 11 is really Shulamite speaking here. She says, I went down to the orchard of nut trees to see the blossoms of the valley, to see whether the vine had budded or the pomegranates had bloomed. Remember, I went down to the garden. I knew where to go and look for him and find him. And so I went down there and I received this forgiveness. And now, verse 12, before I was aware, my soul set me over the chariots of my noble people." I mean, this guy, he just lifted me up and it was like he put me in the chariot and rode me before the people and said, this is my bride. And she's overwhelmed. She says, well, that just kind of took me by surprise. But will I submit to forgiveness? I like what Helen Rowland wrote. She said marriage isn't easy. Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. Right. Have you ever tried something that looked easy and then you said, well, this isn't so easy after all. I have trouble twirling a baton, how about you? I don't have any problem with chopsticks anymore, but it took some years to get used to that. And so it is in this relationship in terms of heart searching, seeking forgiveness and accepting it, submitting to it. Now, I don't know what the status of your marriage is, but God does. And there are a number of you who aren't married, but as you look forward to married someday, these are crucial elements in terms of where is my heart going to be when there's conflicts in a relationship? What is forgiveness all about? And how am I going to seek and find that? And am I going to believe my spouse and submit to that? Now, if you're content in your relationship to just let it ride or to get by, then you have to answer to the Lord someday because he's going to ask you about that relationship. But if the Spirit of God is speaking to you as you look at this text of Scripture and you say, yeah, that boy, I really need to work on that in my relationship. And my prayer is that you'll respond. There are too many relationships where one spouse says, you know, I've had it. I'm done. Or you heard in our call to worship, the grass is greener on the other side. But that doesn't mean there isn't any hope. There is hope if you turn your eyes to Jesus Christ. There was a couple that did that. I want you to watch this video clip and see exactly what happened. Back around 2003, My wife came to me and said that she wanted a separation, that she could no longer put up with my attitude and the way I was acting and treating her. I wanted to have somebody to share my life with, share my joys with, share my hobbies with, to be my friend, to be my lover, share everything. And that didn't happen. I have been verbally abusive. I had a lot of sarcasm, a lot of lying, a lot of deception, a lot of pride and selfishness, a lot of anger. I was a pretty miserable person. I just had enough. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the mental and verbal abuse anymore. And I was so mad at God because I was like, God, I gave you everything that I have. Why is my marriage such a mess? Why is my life such a mess? So I was very angry at the Lord. which led me to telling my husband that I wanted a divorce. Well, at first I did my normal thing and I cussed and I sweared and I put her down and did a lot of verbal abuse and realized after a short period of time that that wasn't going to work. Then I said, well, you know what, she's always been trying to get me to read the Bible and do things like that, so I think the best thing for me to do is I'll start reading the Bible. So I went and I asked her, I said, I need a Bible, I want to start reading the Bible. And I couldn't tell you exactly when, but at some point when I was reading the Bible, God got a hold of me and I couldn't put it down. That was the beginning of the restoration of our relationship. We have been on an amazing journey. God has completely softened my heart. And he's given me a new love for my husband and a new respect for my husband. We're friends now. We hang out together. We'll go to the beach or he'll go shopping with me, which is pretty neat. Along with just being the best time of my life, it's the best time for our marriage. Our marriage, not that we don't have struggles, we still do. We're able to work through our problems. And the biggest part of that is God. You know, back before, I didn't have anyone to go to when we would have issues. But now the first thing I do is go to God and ask Him to show me my part and what we need to do to reconcile whatever we're going through. I have the husband that I prayed for. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God resurrected our marriage and renewed it. And He is an awesome God. He is an awesome God. He can resurrect relationships. He can restore them. He can revitalize your life. The man said, I went to God first. The Word of God. is revitalizing. It's powerful. It's sharper than any two edged sword. It cuts right to the heart of the problem because the problem is in the heart. How about you? Where are you at in your relationships with a spouse or anyone else? As Pastor Del comes to lead us in our closing song, it's an opportunity to respond. If the Spirit of God is speaking to you, Say, Lord, I want to do what You want me to do. And we want to help you in that journey.