Part 8 After his return from his last journey to Susquehanna, until his death. Hitherto Mr. Brainerd had kept a constant diary, giving an account of what passed from day to day, with very little interruption but henceforward his diary is very much interrupted by his illness. under which he was often brought so low, as either not to be capable of writing, or not well able to bear the burden of a care so constant, as was requisite, to recollect every evening what had passed in the day, and digest it, and set down and order the account of it in writing. However, his diary was not wholly neglected. But he took care, from time to time, to take some notice in it of the most material things concerning himself and the state of his mind, even till within a few days of his death. as the reader will see afterwards. Lord's Day, September 21, 1746. I was so weak I could not preach, nor pretend to write over to my people in the forenoon and the afternoon rode out, sat in my chair, and discoursed to my people from Romans 14 7, 8. For none of us layeth to himself, etc. I was strengthened and helped in my discourse. And there appeared something agreeable in the assembly. I returned to my lodgings extremely tired, but thankful that I had been enabled to speak a word to my poor people I had been so long absent from. Was able to sleep very little this night, through weariness and pain. Oh, how blessed should I be, if the little I do were all done with right views! Oh that, whether I live, I might live to the Lord, etc. Saturday, September 27th. spent this day as well as the whole week past under a great degree of bodily weakness, exercised with a violent cough and a considerable fever. I had no appetite to any kind of food and frequently brought up what I ate as soon as it was down and oftentimes had little rest in my bed by reason of pains in my breast and back. I was able, however, to ride over to my people about two miles every day, and take some care of those who were then at work upon a small house for me to reside in amongst the Indians. I was sometimes scarce able to walk, and never able to sit up the whole day, through the week. Was calm and composed, and but little exercise with melancholy dabs, as in former seasons of weakness. Whether I should ever recover or no, seemed very doubtful. But this was many times a comfort to me, that life and death did not depend upon my choice. I was pleased to think, that he who is infinitely wise, had the determination of this matter. And that I had no trouble to consider and weigh things upon all sides, in order to make the choice, whether I should live or die. Thus my time was consumed. I had little strength to pray, none to write or read, and scarce any to meditate but through divine goodness, I could with great composure look death in the face, and frequently with sensible joy. Oh how blessed it is to be habitually prepared for death! The Lord grant that I may be actually ready also. Lord's Day, September 28th. Road to my people. though under much weakness, attempted to preach from 2nd Corinthians 13 5. Examine yourselves, etc. Discoursed about half an hour. At which season divine power seemed to attend the word but being extremely weak, I was obliged to desist and after a turn of faintness, with much difficulty rode to my lodgings. Where betaking myself in my bed, I lay in a burning fever and almost delirious for several hours. till towards morning my fever went off with a violent sweat. I have often been feverish, and unable to rest quietly after preaching. But this was the most severe, distressing turn that ever preaching brought upon me. Yet I felt perfectly at rest in my own mind, because I had made my utmost attempts to speak for God, and knew I could do no more. Tuesday, September 30th Yesterday, and today, was in the same weak state, or rather weaker than in days past. Was scarce able to sit up half the day. Was in a composed frame of mind, remarkably free from dejection and melancholy damps. As God has been pleased, in a great measure, to deliver me from these unhappy glooms, in the general course of my present weakness hitherto, and also from a peevish, froward spirit. And oh how great a mercy is this! Oh that I might always be perfectly quiet in seasons of greatest weakness, although nature should sink and fail. Oh that I may always be able with utmost sincerity to say, Lord, not my will, but Thine be done. This, through grace, I can say at present, with regard to life or death, the Lord do with me as seems good in His sight. That whether I live or die, I may glorify Him, who is worthy to receive blessing, and honor, and in and in forever. Amen. Saturday, October 4th. Spent the former part of this week under a great degree of infirmity and disorder, as I had done several weeks before was able, however, to write a little every day, although unable to sit up half the day, till Thursday took some care daily of some persons at work upon my house. On Friday afternoon found myself wonderfully revived and strengthened. and having some time before given notice to my people, and those of them at the Forks of Delaware in particular, that I designed, with leave of providence, to administer the sacrament of the Lord's Supper upon the first Sabbath in October, the Sabbath now approaching, on Friday afternoon I preached, preparatory to the sacrament, from 2 Corinthians 13 5. Finishing what I had proposed to offer upon the subject the Sabbath before, The sermon was blessed of God to the stirring of religious affection, and a spirit of devotion, in the people of God, and to the greatly affecting one who had backslidden from God, which caused him to judge and condemn himself. I was surprisingly strengthened in my work while I was speaking but was obliged immediately after to repair to bed, being now removed into my own house among the Indians, which gave me such speedy relief and refreshment, as I could not well have lived without. spent some time on Friday night in conversing with my people about divine things, as I lay upon my bed, and found my soul refreshed, though my body was weak. This being Saturday, I discoursed particularly with divers of the communicants, and this afternoon preached from Zechariah 12 10, and I will pour on the house of David, etc. There seemed to be a tender melting, and hearty mourning for sin, in numbers in the congregation. My soul was in a comfortable frame, and I enjoyed freedom and assistance in public service. Was myself, as well as most of the congregation, much affected with the humble confession and apparent brokenheartedness of the aforementioned backslider, and could not but rejoice that God had given him such a sense of his sin and unworthiness. Was extremely tired in the evening, but lay on my bed and discoursed to my people. Lord's Day, October 5th. was still very weak. And in the morning considerably afraid I should not be able to go through the work of the day. Having much to do, both in private and public. Discourse before the administration of the sacrament, from John 1 29. Behold the Lamb of God, that taketh away the sin of the world. Where I considered, 1 inch what respects Christ is called the Lamb of God and observed that He is so called, 1. From the purity and innocence of His nature, 2. From his meekness and patience under sufferings. 3. From his being at atonement, which was pointed out in the sacrifice of lambs, and in particular by the paschal lamb. 2. Considered how and in what sense he takes away the sin of the world and observed that the means and manner, in and by which he takes away the sins of men, was his giving himself for them, doing and suffering in their room instead, etc. and He is said to take away the sin of the world, not because all the world shall actually be redeemed from sin by Him. But because, 1. He has done and suffered sufficient to answer for the sins of the world, and so to redeem all mankind. 2. He actually does take away the sins of the elect world. And, 3. Considered how we are to behold Him, in order to have our sins taken away. 1. Not with our bodily eyes, nor too, by imagining Him on the cross, etc. but by a spiritual view of His glory and goodness, engaging the soul to rely on Him, etc. The Divine Presence attended this discourse, and the assembly was considerably melted with divine truths. After sermon baptized two persons, then administered the Lord's Supper to near 40 communicants of the Indians, besides divers dear Christians of the white people, It seemed to be a season of divine power and grace. And numbers seemed to rejoice in God. Oh, the sweet union and harmony then appearing among the religious people. My soul was refreshed, and my religious friends, of the white people, with me. After the sacrament, could scarcely get home, though it was not more than twenty roods. But was supported and led by my friends, and laid on my bed, where I lay in pain till sometime in the evening. and then was able to sit up and discourse with friends. Oh, how was this day spent in prayers and praises among my dear people! One might hear them, all the morning, before public worship, and in the evening, till near midnight, praying and singing praises to God, in one or other of their houses. My soul was refreshed, though my body was weak. This week, in two days, Though in a very low state, he went to Elizabethtown to attend the meeting of the Senator but was disappointed by its removal to New York. He continued in a very composed, comfortable frame of mind. Saturday, October 11th towards night was seized with an egg, which was followed with a hard fever, and considerable pain was treated with great kindness, and was ashamed to see so much concern about so unworthy a creature, as I knew myself to be, was in a comfortable frame of mind, wholly submissive, with regard to life or death. It was indeed a peculiar satisfaction to me, to think, that it was not my concern or business to determine whether I should live or die. I likewise felt peculiarly satisfied while under this uncommon degree of disorder, being now fully convinced of my being really weak and unable to perform my work. Whereas at other times my mind was perplexed with fears that I was a mythomprover of time by conceding I was sick when I was not in reality so. Oh, how precious is time! and how guilty it makes me feel when I think I have trifled away and misimproved it, or neglected to fill up each part of it with duty to the utmost of my ability and capacity. Lord's Day, October 12th. Was scarce able to sit up in the forenoon and the afternoon attended public worship and was in a composed, comfortable frame. Lord's Day, October 19th. was scarcely able to do anything at all in the week past, except that on Thursday I rode out about four miles, at which time I took cold. As I was able to do little or nothing, so I enjoyed not much spirituality or lively religious affection. Though at some times I longed much to be more fruitful and full of heavenly affection, and was grieved to see the hours slide away while I could do nothing for God, was able this week to attend public worship was composed and comfortable, willing either to die or live, but found it hard to be reconciled to the thoughts of living useless. Oh that I might never live to be a burden to God's creation, but that I might be allowed to repair home when my sojourning work is done. This week he went back to his Indians at Cranberry to take some care of their spiritual and temple concerns, and was much spent with writing. Though he wrote but a little way in a day, Thursday, October 23rd. Went to my own house and set things in order. Was very weak and somewhat melancholy labored to do something, but had no strength and was forced to lie down on my bed, very solitary. Friday, October 24th. Spent the day in overseeing and directing my people about mending their fence and securing their wheat. Found that all the concerns of a secular nature depended upon me. was somewhat refreshed in the evening, having been able to do something valuable in the daytime. Oh, how it pains me to see time pass away, when I can do nothing to any purpose. Saturday, October 25th. Visited some of my people. Spent some time in writing, and felt much better in body than usual. When it was near night, I felt so well that I had thoughts of expounding but in the evening was much disordered again, and spent the night in coughing and spitting blood. Lord's Day, October 26th in the morning was exceeding week spent the day, till near night, in pain to see my poor people wandering as sheep not having a shepherd, waiting and hoping to see me able to preach to them before night. It could not but distress me to see them in this case, and to find myself unable to attempt anything for their spiritual benefit. But towards night, finding myself a little better, I called them together to my house, and sat down, and read and expounded Matthew 5 1-16. This discourse, though delivered in much weakness, was attended with power to many of the hearers. Especially what was spoken upon the last of these verses, where I insisted on the infinite wrong done to religion, by having our light become darkness, instead of shining before men. Many in the congregation were now deeply affected with a sense of their deficiency, in regard of a spiritual conversation, that might recommend religion to others, and a spirit of concern and watchfulness seemed to be excited in them. There was one, in particular, who had fallen into the sin of drunkenness some time before, now deeply convinced of his sin, and the great dissonance done to religion by his misconduct, and he discovered a great degree of grief and concern on that account. My soul was refreshed to see this. And though I had no strength to speak so much as I would have done, but was obliged to lie down on the bed. Yet I rejoiced to see such an humble melting of the congregation, and that divine truths, those faintly delivered, were attended with so much efficacy upon the auditory. Monday, October 27th. Spent the day in overseeing and directing the Indians about mending the fence round their weed was able to walk with them and contrive their business, all the forenoon and the afternoon was visited by two dear friends and spent some time in conversation with them. Towards night I was able to walk out and take care of the Indians again. in the evening enjoyed a very peaceful frame. Tuesday, October 28. Road to Prince Town, in a very weak state had such a violent fever, by the way, that I was forced to alight at a friend's house and lie down for some time. Near night was visited by Mr. Treat, M.R. Beatty and his wife, and another friend my spirits were refreshed to see them. but I was surprised and even ashamed that they had taken so much pain as to ride 30 or 40 miles to see me. Was able to sit up most of the evening and spent the time in a very comfortable manner with my friends. Wednesday, October 29, rode about 10 miles with my friends that came yesterday to see me and then parted with them all but one who stayed on purpose to keep me company and cheer my spirits. Was extremely weak and very feverish, especially towards night. But he enjoyed comfort and satisfaction. Thursday, October 30th. Rode three or four miles to visit Mr. Whale spent some time, in an agreeable manner, in conversation. And though extremely weak, enjoyed a comfortable, composed frame of mind. Friday, October 31st. I spent the day among friends, in a comfortable frame of mind, though exceeding weak, and under a considerable fever. Saturday, November 1st took leave of friends after having spent the forenoon with them, and returned home to my own house. Was much disordered in the evening, and oppressed with my cough, which has now been constant for a long time, with a hard pain in my breast, and fever. Lord's Day, November 2nd. was unable to preach, and scarcely able to sit up, the whole day. Was grieved, and almost sunk, to see my poor people destitute of the means of grace. Especially considering they could not read, and so were under great disadvantages for spending the Sabbath comfortably. Oh, methought, I could be contended to be sick, if my poor flock had a faithful pastor to feed them with spiritual knowledge. A view of their want of this was more afflictive to me than all my bodily illness. Monday, November 3. Being now in so weak and low a state, that I was utterly incapable of performing my work, and having little hope of recovery, unless by much riding, I thought it my duty to take a long journey into New England, and to divert myself among my friends, whom I had not now seen for a long time, and accordingly took leave of my congregation this day. Before I left my people, I visited them all in their respective houses, and discoursed to each one, as I thought most proper and suitable for their circumstances, and found great freedom and assistance in so doing. I scarcely left one house but some were in tears. And many were not only affected with my being about to leave them, but with the solemn addresses I made them upon divine things. For I was helped to be fervent in spirit while I discoursed to them. When I had thus gone through my congregation, which took me most of the day, and had taken leave of them, and of the school, I left home, and rode about two miles, to the house where I lived in the summer past, and there lodged. Was refreshed, this evening, in that I had left my congregation so well disposed and affected, and that I had been so much assisted in making my farewell addresses to them. Tuesday, November 4th. Rode to Woodbridge, and lodged with Mr. Pearson. continuing in a weak state. Wednesday, November 5th. Road to Elizabethtown. Intending as soon as possible to prosecute my journey into New England. But was, in an hour or two after my arrival, taken much worse. After this, for near a week, I was confined to my chamber, and most of the time to my bed and then so far revived as to be able to walk about the house. But was still confined within doors. In the beginning of this extraordinary turn of disorder, after my coming to Elizabeth Town, I was enabled through Mercy to maintain a calm, composed, and patient spirit, as I had been before from the beginning of my weakness. After I had been in Elizabethtown about a fortnight, and had so far recovered that I was able to walk about the house, upon a day of Thanksgiving kept in this place, I was unable to recall and recount over the mercies of God, in such a manner as greatly affected me, and filled me with thankfulness and praise. Especially my soul praised God for His work of grace among the Indians, and the enlargement of His dear kingdom. My soul blessed God for what He is in Himself, and adored Him that He ever would display Himself to creatures. I rejoiced that He was God, and longed that all should know it, and feel it, and rejoice in it. Lord, glorify Thyself, was the desire and cry of my soul. Oh that all people might love and praise the blessed God. That He might have all possible honor and glory from the intelligent world. After this comfortable Thanksgiving season, I frequently enjoyed freedom, enlargement, and engagedness of soul in prayer, and was enabled to intercede with God for my dear congregation, very often for every family, and every person, in particular. It was often a great comfort to me that I could pray heartily to God for those to whom I could not speak, and whom I was not allowed to see. But at other times, my spirits were so flat and low, and my bodily vigor so much wasted, that I had scarce any affections at all. In December I had revived so far as to be able to walk abroad, and visit friends, and seem to be on the gaining hand with regard to my health, in the main, until Lord's Day, December 21st, at which time I went to the public worship. In it being sacrament day, I labored much at the Lord's table, to bring forth a certain corruption, and have it slain, as being an enemy to God and my own soul. And could not but hope, that I had gained some strength against this, as well as other corruptions. And felt some brokenness of heart for my sin. After this, having perhaps taken some cold, I began to decline as to bodily health. And continued to do so, till the latter end of January, 1747, Having a violent cough, a considerable fever, an asthmatic disorder, and no appetite for any manner of food, nor any power of digestion, I was reduced to so low a state, that my friends, I believe, generally despaired of my life. And some of them, for some time together, thought I could scarce live a day. At this time, I could think of nothing, with any application of mind, and seemed to be in a great measure void of all affection, and was exercised with great temptations, but yet was not ordinarily afraid of death. On Lord's Day, February 1st, though in a very weak and low state, I enjoyed a considerable deal of comfort and sweetness in divine things, and was unable to plead and use arguments with God in prayer, I think, with a childlike spirit. that passage of scripture occurred to my mind, and gave me great assistance, if ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask Him. This text I was helped to plead and insist upon, and saw the divine faithfulness engaged for dealing with me better than any earthly parent can do with his child. The season so refreshed my soul, that my body seemed also to be a gainer by it. and from this time I began gradually to amend. And as I recovered some strength, vigor, and spirit, I found at times some freedom in life in the exercises of devotion, and some longings after spirituality in a life of usefulness to the interests of the Great Redeemer. At other times I was awfully barren and lifeless, and out of frame for the things of God. So that I was ready often to cry out, O that it were with me as in months past, Oh that God had taken me away in the midst of my usefulness, with a sudden stroke, that I might not have been under a necessity of trifling away time and diversions. Oh that I had never lived to spend so much precious time, in so poor a manner, and to so little purpose. Thus I often reflected, was grieved, ashamed, and even confounded, sunk and discouraged. On Tuesday, February 24th, I was able to ride as far as Newark, having been confined within Elizabethtown almost four months, and the next day returned to Elizabethtown. My spirits were somewhat refreshed with the ride, though my body was weary. On Saturday, February 28th, was visited by an Indian of my own congregation, who brought me letters and good news of the sober and good behavior of my people in general. This refreshed my soul. I could not but soon retire and bless God for His goodness and found, I trust, a truly thankful frame of spirit that God seemed to be building up the congregation for Himself. On Wednesday, March 4th, I met with a reproof from a friend which, although I thought I did not deserve it from him, yet was, I trust, blessed of God to make me more tenderly afraid of sin, more jealous over myself, and more concerned to keep both heart and life pure and unblameable. It likewise caused me to reflect on my past deadness, and want of spirituality, and to abhor myself, and look on myself as most unworthy. This frame of mind continued the next day. And for several days after, I grieved to think that in my necessary diversions I had not maintained more seriousness. solemnity, heavenly affection and conversation. Thus my spirits were often depressed and sunk. And yet I trust that reproof was made to be beneficial to me. Wednesday, March 11th, being kept in Elizabethtown as a day of fasting and prayer, I was able to attend public worship. Which was the first time I was able so to do after December 21st. Oh, how much weakness and distress did God carry me through in the space of time. But having obtained help from him, I yet live oh that I could live more to his glory. Lord's Day, March 15th. Was able again to attend the public worship, and felt some earnest desires of being restored to the ministerial work felt, I think, some spirit and life to speak for God. Wednesday, March 18th. Rode out with a design to visit my people. And the next day arrived among them but was under great dejection in my journey. On Friday morning I rose early, walked about among my people, and inquired into their state and concerns and found an additional weight and burden on my spirits. Upon hearing some things disagreeable I indeed vowed to go to God with my distresses, and made some kind of lamentable complaint, and in a broken manner spread my difficulties before God. But, notwithstanding, my mind continued very gloomy. About 10 o'clock I called my people together, and after having explained and sung a psalm, I prayed with them. There was a considerable deal of affection among them. I doubt not, in some instances, that which was more than merely natural. This was the last interview that he ever had with his people. About 11 o'clock the same day he left them. And the next day came to Elizabethtown. His melancholy remaining still and he continued for a considerable time under a great degree of dejection through vapor disorders. Saturday, March 28th, was taken this morning with violent griping pains. These pains were extreme and constant for several hours, so that it seemed impossible for me, without a miracle, to live 24 hours in such distress. I lay confined to my bed the whole day, and in distressing pain all the former part of it but it pleased God to bless means for the abatement of my distress. Was exceedingly weakened by this pain, and continued so for several days following. Being exercised with a fever, cough, and nocturnal sweats in this distressed case, so long as my head was free of apery confusions, death appeared agreeable to me. I looked on it as the end of toils, and an entrance into a place where the weary are at rest. And I think I had some relish of the entertainments of the heavenly state, so that by these I was alert and drawn as well as driven by the fatigues of life. Oh, how happy it is to be drawn by desires of a state of perfect holiness! Saturday, April 4th, was sunk and dejected, very restless and uneasy, by reason of the misimprovement of time. and yet knew not what to do. I longed to spend time in fasting and prayer, that I might be delivered from indolence and coldness in the things of God. But, alas, I had not bodily strength for these exercises. Oh, how blessed a thing is it to enjoy peace of conscience! But how dreadful is a want of inward peace and composure of soul! It is impossible, I find, to enjoy this happiness without redeeming time and maintaining a spiritual frame of mind. Lord's Day, April 5. It grieved me to find myself so inconceivably barren. My soul thirsted for grace. But alas, how far was I from obtaining what appeared to me so exceeding excellent? I was ready to despair of ever being a holy creature, and yet my soul was desirous of following hard after God. but never did I see myself so far from having apprehended, or being already perfect, as at this time. The Lord's Supper being this day administered, I attended the ordinance and though I saw in myself a dreadful emptiness and want of grace, and saw myself as it were at an infinite distance from that purity which becomes the gospel. Yet at the communion, especially the distribution of the bread, I enjoyed some warmth of affection, and felt a tender love to the brethren, and I think, to the glorious Redeemer, the firstborn among them. I indeed vowed then to bring forth mine and his enemies, and slay them before him, and found great freedom in begging deliverance from the spiritual death, as well as in asking divine favors for my friends and congregation, and the Church of Christ in general. Tuesday, April 7th in the afternoon rode to Newark, in order to marry the Rev. Mr. Dickinson, and in the evening performed at work, Afterwards rode home to Elizabethtown, in a pleasant frame, full of composure and sweetness. Thursday, April 9th. Attended the ordination of Mr. Tucker, and afterwards the examination of Mr. Smith was in a comfortable frame of mine this day, and felt my heart, I think, sometimes in a spiritual frame. Friday, April 10th. Spent the forenoon in Presbyterial business in the afternoon, rode to Elizabethtown, I found my brother John there spent some time in conversation with him, but was extremely weak and outdone. My spirits considerably sunk and my mind dejected. Monday, April 13th. Assisted in examining my brother in the evening, was in a solemn devout frame, but was much overdone and oppressed with a violent headache. Tuesday, April 14th. Was able to do little or nothing spent some time with Mr. Birram and other friends. This day my brother went to my people. Wednesday, April 15th. Found some freedom at the throne of grace several times this day in the afternoon was very weak and spent the time to very little purpose. And yet in the evening had, I thought, some religious warmth and spiritual desires and prayer my soul seemed to go forth after God and take complacence in his divine perfections. But, alas! afterwards awfully let down my watch and grew careless and secure. Thursday, April 16, was in bitter anguish of soul in the morning, such as I have scarce ever felt, with a sense of sin and guilt. I continued in distress the whole day, attempting to pray wherever I went, and indeed could not help so doing but looked upon myself so vile, I dared not look anybody in the face. and was even grieved that anybody should show me any respect, or at least that they should be so deceived as to think I deserved it. Friday, April 17th in the evening did not but think that God helped me to draw near to the throne of grace, though most unworthy, and gave me a sense of His favor, which gave me inexpressible support and encouragement. Though I scarcely dared to hope the mercy was real, it appeared so great. yet could not but rejoice that ever God should discover his reconciled face through such a vile sinner. Shame and confusion, at times, covered me. And then hope, and joy, and admiration of divine goodness gained the ascendant. Sometimes I could not but admire the divine goodness, that the Lord had not let me fall into all the grossest, vilest acts of sins and open scandal that could be thought of. and felt myself so necessitated to praise God that this was ready for a little while to swallow up my shame and pressure of spirit on account of my sins. After this, his dejection and pressure of spirit returned and he remained under it the two next days. Monday, April 20th, was in a very disordered state and kept my bed most of the day. I enjoyed a little more comfort than in several of the preceding days. This day I arrived at the age of 29 years. Tuesday, April 21. I set out on my journey for New England, in order if it might be the will of God to recover my health by riding traveled to New York, and there launched. This proved his final departure from New Jersey. He traveled slowly, and arrived among his friends at East Haddam, about the beginning of May. There is very little account in his diary of the time that passed from his setting out on his journey to May 10th. He speaks of his sometimes finding his heart rejoicing in the glorious perfections of God, and longing to live to Him. But complains of the unfixedness of his thoughts, and their being easily diverted from divine subjects, and cries out of his leanness, as testifying against Him, in the loudest manner. and concerning those diversions he was obliged to use for his health, he says, that he sometimes found he could use diversions with singleness of heart, aiming at the glory of God. But that he also found there was a necessity of great care and watchfulness, lest he should lose that spiritual temper of mind in his diversions, and lest they should degenerate into what was merely selfish, without any supreme aim at the glory of God in them. Lord's Day, May 10th. At Headlime I could not but feel some measure of gratitude to God at this time, wherein I was much exercised, that He had always disposed me, in my ministry, to insist on the great doctrine of regeneration, the new creature, faith in Christ, progressive sanctification, supreme love to God, living entirely to the glory of God, being not our own, and the like. God does help me to see, in the surest manner, from time to time, that these, and the like doctrine necessarily connected with them, are the only foundation of safety and salvation for perishing sinners. And that those divine dispositions, which are consonant hereto, are that holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord. The exercise of these God-like tempers wherein the soul acts in a kind of concert with God, and would be and do everything that is pleasing to him I saw, would stand by the soul in a dying hour. For God must, I think, deny himself, if he cast away his own image, even the soul that is one and desires with himself. Lord's Day, May 17th At Millington spent the forenoon at home, being unable to attend the public worship. At this time, God gave me some affecting sense of my own vileness and the exceeding sinfulness of my heart. That there seemed to be nothing but sin and corruption within me. Innumerable evils compassed me about my want of spirituality and holy living, my neglect of God, and living to myself. All the abominations of my heart and life seemed to be open to my view. And I had nothing to say, but, God be merciful to me a sinner. Towards noon I saw that the grace of God in Christ is infinitely free towards sinners, and such sinners as I was. I also saw that God is the supreme good, that in His presence is life. And I began to long to die that I might be with Him, in a state of freedom from all sin. Oh, how a small glimpse of His Excellency refreshed my soul! Oh, how worthy is the blessed God to be loved, adored, and delighted in for himself, for his own divine excellencies. Though I felt much dullness and want of a spirit in prayer this week, yet I had some glimpses of the excellency of divine things. and especially one morning, in secret meditation and prayer, the excellency and beauty of holiness, as a likeness to the glorious God, was so discovered to me, that I began to long earnestly to be in that world where holiness dwells in perfection. I seemed to long for this perfect holiness, not so much for the sake of my own happiness, Although I saw clearly that this was the greatest, yea, the only happiness of the soul, as that I might please God, live entirely to Him, and glorify Him to the utmost stretch of my rational powers and capacities. Lord's Day, May 24th Longmeadow in Springfield could not but think, as I have often remarked to others, that much more of true religion consists in deep humility, brokenness of heart, and an outbasing sense of barrenness and want of grace and holiness, than most who are called Christians imagine. Especially those who have been esteemed the converts of the late day. Many seemed to know of no other religion but elevated joys and affections, arising only from some flights of imagination, or some suggestion made to their mind, of Christ being theirs, God living them, and the like. On Thursday, May 28th, he came from Long Meadow to Northampton appearing vastly better than, by his account, he had been in the winter. Indeed so well, that he was able to ride 25 miles in a day, and to walk half a mile. and appeared cheerful and free from melancholy. But yet undoubtedly, at that time, in a confirmed, incurable consumption, I had much opportunity, before this, of particular information concerning him, from many who were well acquainted with him. and had myself once an opportunity of considerable conversation and some acquaintance with him at New Haven, near four years before, at the time of the commencement, when he offered that confession to the rector of the college, which has been already mentioned in this history. I being one he was pleased then several times to consult on that affair but now I had opportunity for a more full acquaintance with him. I found him remarkably sociable, pleasant, and entertaining in his conversation. Yet solid, sovereign, spiritual, and very profitable. He appeared meek, modest, and humble. Far from any stiffness, moroseness, superstitious demureness, or affected singularity in speech or behavior, and seeming to dislike all such things. We enjoyed not only the benefit of his conversation, but had the comfort and advantage of hearing him pray in the family from time to time. His manner of praying was very agreeable, most becoming a worm of the dust, and a disciple of Christ, addressing an infinitely great and holy God, and Father of mercies. Not with florid expressions, or a studied eloquence. Not with any intemperate vehemence, or indecent boldness. It was at the greatest distance from any appearance of ostentation, and from everything that might look as though he meant to recommend himself to those that were about him, or set himself off to their acceptance. It was free also from vain repetitions, without impertinent excursions, or needless multiplying of words. He expressed himself with the strictest propriety, with weight, and pungency. And yet what his lips uttered seemed to flow from the fullness of his heart, as deeply impressed with a great and solemn sense of our necessities, unworthiness, independence, and of God's infinite greatness, excellency, and sufficiency, rather than merely from a warm and fruitful brain, pouring out good expressions. And I know not that ever I heard him so much as ask a blessing or return thanks at table, but there was something remarkable to be observed both in the matter and manner of the performance. In his prayers, he insisted much on the prosperity of Zion, the advancement of Christ's kingdom in the world, and the flourishing and propagation of religion among the Indians. And he generally made it one petition in his prayer that we might not outlive our usefulness. Lord's Day, May 31. At Northampton I had little inward sweetness in religion most of the week past. Not realizing and beholding spiritually the glory of God and the blessed Redeemer, from whence always arise my comforts and joys in religion, if I have any at all and if I cannot so behold the excellencies and perfections of God, as to cause me to rejoice in Him for what He is in Himself, I have no solid foundation for joy. To rejoice, only because I apprehend I have an interest in Christ, and shall be finally saved, is a poor mean business indeed. This week he consulted Dr. Mather, at my house, concerning his illness, who plainly told him that there were great evidences of his being in a confirmed consumption, and that he could give him no encouragement that he should ever recover. But it seemed not to occasion the least discomposure in him, not to make any manner of alteration as to the cheerfulness and serenity of his mind, or the freedom or pleasantness of his conversation. Lord's Day, June 7th. My attention was greatly engaged, and my soul so drawn forth, this day, by what I heard of the exceeding preciousness of the saving grace of God's Spirit, that it almost overcame my body in my weak state. I saw that true grace is exceeding precious indeed, that it is very rare, and that there is but a very small degree of it, even where the reality of it is to be found. At least, I saw this to be my case. In the preceding week I enjoyed some comfortable seasons of meditation. One morning the cause of God appeared exceeding precious to me. The Redeemer's kingdom is all that is valuable in the earth, and I could not but long for the promotion of it in the world. I saw also that this cause is God's, that He has an infinitely greater regard and concern for it than I could possibly have. that if I have any true love to this blessed interest, it is only a drop derived from that ocean hence, I was ready to lift up my head with joy and conclude, well, if God's cause be so dear and precious to him, he will promote it and thus I did as it were rest on God that surely he would promote that which was so agreeable to his own will though the time when must still be left to his sovereign pleasure He was advised by physicians still to continue riding, as well would tend, above any other means, to prolong his life. He was at a loss, for some time, which way to bend his course next, but finally determined to ride from Hesse to Boston. We having concluded that one of this family should go with him, and be helpful to him in his weak and low state. Tuesday, June 9th. I set out on a journey from Northampton to Boston. traveled slowly, and got some acquaintance with divers ministers on the road. Having now continued to ride for some considerable time together, I felt myself much better than I had formerly done, and found that in proportion to the prospect I had of being restored to a state of usefulness, so I desired the continuance of life but death appeared inconceivably more desirable to me than the useless life. Yet blessed be God, I found my heart, at times, fully resigned and reconciled to this greatest of afflictions, if God saw fit thus to deal with me. Friday, June 12. I arrived in Boston this day, somewhat fatigued with my journey. Observe that there is no rest, but in God fatigues a body, and anxieties of mind, attend us, both in town and country. No place is exempted. Lord's Day, June 14. I enjoyed some enlargement and sweetness in family prayer, as well as in secret exercises. God appeared excellent, His ways full of pleasure and peace, and all I wanted was a spirit of holy fervency to live to Him. Wednesday, June 17th. This, and the two preceding days, I spent mainly in visiting the ministers of the town, and was treated with great respect by them. On Thursday, June 18th, I was taken exceeding ill and brought to the gates of death by the breaking of small ulcers in my lungs. As my physician supposed in this extreme weak state I continued for several weeks and was frequently reduced so low as to be utterly speechless and not able so much as to whisper a word. and even after I had so far revived as to walk about the house and to step out of doors, I was exercised every day with a faint turn, which continued usually four or five hours at which times, though I was not so utterly speechless with that I could say yes or no, yet I could not converse at all, nor speak one sentence without making stops for breath. and divers times in the season, my friends gathered round my bed to see me breathe my last, which they looked for every moment, as I myself also did. How I was, the first day or two of my illness, with regard to the exercise of reason, I scarcely know. I believe I was somewhat shattered with the violence of the fever, at times but the third day of my illness, and constantly afterwards, for four or five weeks together, I enjoyed as much serenity of mind, and clearness of thought, as perhaps I ever did in my life. And I think my mind never penetrated with so much ease and freedom into divine things, as at this time. And I never felt so capable of demonstrating the truth of many important doctrine of the gospel as now. and as I saw clearly the truth of those great doctrine, which are justly styled the doctrine of grace. So I saw with no less clearness, that the essence of religion consisted in the soul's conformity to God, and acting above all selfish views, for His glory, longing to be for Him, to live to Him, and please and honor Him in all things and this from a clear view of His infinite excellency and worthiness in Himself, to be loved, adored, worshipped, and served by all intelligent creatures. Thus I saw, that when a soul loves God with a supreme love, he therein acts like the blessed God himself, who most justly loves himself in that manner. So when God's interest and his are become one, and he longs that God should be glorified, and rejoices to think that he is unchangeably possessed of the highest glory and blessedness, herein also he acts in conformity to God in like manner, when the soul is fully resigned to, and rests satisfied and contented with, the divine will. Here it is also conformed to God. I saw further, that as this divine temper, whereby the soul exalts God, and treads self into dust, is wrought in the soul by God's discovering his own glorious perfections in the face of Jesus Christ to it, by the special influences of the Holy Spirit, so he cannot but have regard to it, as his own work. And as it is his image in the soul, he cannot but take delight in it. Then I saw again, that if God should slight and reject his own moral image, he must needs deny himself. Which he cannot do. And thus I saw the stability and infallibility of this religion. And that those who are truly possessed of it, have the most complete and satisfying evidence of their being interested in all the benefits of Christ's redemption, having their hearts conform to Him. And that these, these only, are qualified for the employment and entertainments of God's kingdom of glory. as none but these have any relish for the business of heaven, which is to ascribe glory to God, and not to themselves. And that God though I would speak it with great reverence of his name and perfection cannot, without denying himself, finally cast such away. The next thing I had then to do, was to inquire, whether this was my religion and here God was pleased to help me to the most easy remembrance and critical review of what had passed in course, of a religious nature, through several of the latter years of my life. And although I could discover much corruption attending my best duties, many selfish views and carnal ends, much spiritual pride and self-exaltation, and innumerable other evils which compassed me about, Yet God was pleased, as I was reviewing, quickly to put this question out of doubt, by showing me that I had, from time to time, acted above the utmost influence of mere self-love. That I had longed to please and glorify Him, as my highest happiness, etc. And this review was through grace attended with a present feeling of the same divine temper of mind. I felt now pleased to think of the glory of God, and long for heaven, as a state wherein I might glorify God perfectly, rather than a place of happiness for myself and this feeling of the love of God in my heart, which I trust the Spirit of God excited in me afresh, was sufficient to give me full satisfaction, and make me long, as I had many times before done, to be with Christ. I did not now want any of the sudden suggestions, which many are so pleased with, that Christ and His benefits are mine, that God loves me, etc. in order to give me satisfaction about my state. No, my soul now abhorred those delusions of Satan, which are thought to be the immediate witness of the Spirit, while there is nothing but an empty suggestion of a certain fact, without any gracious discovery of the divine glory, or of the Spirit's work in their own hearts. I saw the awful delusion of this kind of confidence, as well as of the whole of that religion, from which they usually spring, or at least of which they are the attendants. The false religion of the late day, though a day of wondrous grace, the imaginations and impressions made only on the animal affections together with the sudden suggestions made to the mind by Satan, transformed into an angel of light, of certain facts not revealed in scripture and many such like things, I fear, have made up the greater part of the religious appearance in many places. These things I saw with great clearness when I was thought to be dying. And God gave me great concern for his church and interest in the world, at this time not so much because the late remarkable influence upon the minds of people was abated, as because that false religion in those heats of imagination, and wild and selfish commotions of the animal affections which attended the work of grace, had prevailed so far. This was that which my mind dwelt upon, almost day and night and this, to me, was the darkest appearance, respecting religion, in the land. for it was this, chiefly, that had prejudiced the world against inward religion. And I saw the great misery of all was, that so few saw any manner of difference between those exercises that were spiritual and holy, and those which have self-love only for their beginning, center, and end. As God was pleased to afford me clearness of thought, and composure of mind, almost continually, for several weeks together under my great weakness, So he enabled me, in some measure, to improve my time, as I hope, to valuable purposes. I was enabled to write a number of important letters to friends in remote places and sometimes I wrote when I was speechless, that is unable to maintain conversation with anybody. Though perhaps I was able to speak a word or two so as to be heard. At this season also, while I was confined at Boston, I read with care and attention some papers of old Mr. Shepherds, lately come to light, and designed for the press and as I was desired, and greatly urged, made some corrections, where the sense was left dark, for want of a word or two. Besides this, I had many visitants, with whom, when I was able to speak, I always conversed of the things of religion, and was peculiarly disposed and assisted in distinguishing between the true and false religion of the times. There was scarce any subject that has been matter of debate in the late day, but what I was in at one time or other brought to a sort of necessity to discourse upon, and show my opinion, and that frequently before numbers of people. and especially, I discoursed repeatedly on the nature and necessity of that humiliation, self-emptiness, or full conviction of a person's being utterly undone in himself, which is necessary in order to a saving faith, and the extreme difficulty of being brought to this, and the great danger there is of persons taking up with some self-righteous appearances of it. The danger of this I especially dwelt upon, being persuaded that multitudes perish in this hidden way, and because so little is said from most pulpits to discover any danger here so that persons being never effectually brought to die in themselves, are never truly united to Christ, and so perish. I also discourse much on what I take to be the essence of true religion, endeavoring plainly to describe that God-like temper and disposition of soul, and that holy conversation and behavior, that may justly claim the honor of having God for its original and patron. and I have reason to hope God blessed my way of discoursing and distinguishing to some, both ministers and people, so that my time was not wholly lost. Still Waters Revival Books is now located at PuritanDownloads.com. It's your worldwide online Reformation home for the very best in free and discounted classic and contemporary Puritan and Reformed books, mp3s and videos. 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