Motivation for Marriage Session 1 Theology of Marriage Marriage is truly under attack today. We see it and we know it. But I wonder if we really know who the real enemy is. I mean, we are quick to blame the world. But I wonder how much our ignorance as Christians concerning marriage plays a role in the attack. I've heard countless ideologies and methods concerning marriage from the pulpit, blogs, radio, and countless books. And why not? Marriage is a booming topic making millions for publishers because of our utter desperation for a cure for a difficult marriage. Our desperation. The question is, does it help? Well, maybe for some of us it does. And yet the madness continues. It has been said by psychologists that this desperation to find a cure for marriage problems is almost pathological. We've become so desperate that we will look under every rock, will read every book, attend every seminar or marriage conference, grasping and indulging in everything just to get relief, just to get things fixed, just to get our spouse to do what we need them to do so that we can have a happy marriage. But I wonder if we are missing the point when it comes to marriage. I wonder if much of our desperation and depression concerning marriage is a result of chasing answers for the symptoms, but we are not willing to do what we already know we need to do. You see, if we have physical pain, we occupy ourselves with the endless quest of finding the best way, the most effective way to get rid of the pain. But for many of us, we're not willing to eliminate the cause of the pain. We don't want the necessary surgery to eliminate the cause. We don't want the therapy or we don't want to quit the addiction that is causing it. I mean, we desire a better marriage, but in a lot of ways, we're not willing to come face-to-face with the real cause of the problems, and we are not willing to make the necessary changes that will bring the wonderful blessings that God intended with this sacred institution. So my question for us today is this, are we ready to make the changes today? I mean, how many of us are ready to make the changes? Well, of course we're ready to make the changes, this is why we're here. Many of us will say yes, but the reality is, is that you won't. And that is why the problem persists. See, the reality is, is we really don't want to. Oh, we want the happy marriage, but yet in reality, we're not willing to do what it is that we need to do to get it. Yes, we want it fixed, but the fixing must be on our terms in what we are comfortable with, with as little resistance or as little sacrifice as possible. I mean, wives say that they're willing to do anything for a better marriage except submitting to their husbands. I will do anything else. Husbands will say that they will do all it takes for a better marriage, but will refuse to take responsibility for his actions and continue to blame. I will do anything else. All the while, family, we are blind to the fact that the very thing that we are holding onto is probably most likely the very thing that's causing the actual marriage problems. So back to the issue. If we really wanted to change, watch this, if we really wanted to change, then we would have made those changes already. If we thought that it was merely a light switch, well all you gotta do is turn it off and there it's done. But watch, it gets even better. Even if you wanted to change, you still can't. Because you can't on your own. See, that's why many of these principles for marriage recovery, this is the reason why a lot of these things don't help, or it may help for a while, but it doesn't have that lasting effect. See, many are good principles, great principles, ingenious principles, but without transformation of our motives. Desires are hard heartedness Unless we have transformation in these areas. None of it is going to make a difference at all Okay, follow me here We all know what we need to do to have a better marriage. I'm saying that we all know deep down inside, we all know what we need to do to have a better marriage. But the issue is we are not willing to do it. Okay, watch this. I guarantee that if you do this one thing, you will have a happy marriage for the rest of your life. Do you wanna know what that one thing is? It's not gonna cost you anything. It won't cost you any money today. Here's the one thing. Concern yourself day to day only about how you can be a good spouse instead of looking at how your spouse is failing you, then all will be good. See, worry about how you can be better instead of how much worse your spouse is getting. Focus on yourself. When you're driving to work in the morning, stop going through your list as to how much your spouse is failing you. You know, you're thinking, if I would have known that she was going to be this way, I would have never have married her. You know, some of you may be saying, I should have listened to my parents. They warned me about him. I mean, look at all the ways he is failing. He fails here and he fails here. Yes, she fails in everything. Jess, stop. If we would stop doing this, all you got to do is stop doing this. All you got to do is put yourself aside. Put yourself aside. And you will have no more problems if you focus and desire to fix yourself instead of trying to fix your spouse and figuring out ways to fix your spouse. If we do this, then it will be fine. But the common response I get is, no way Shane, no way. You have no idea what it's like to live with this selfish man. You have no idea what it's like to be with this frustrating woman. You have no idea. I cannot love this woman. You have no idea. I cannot submit to this man. If she respected me, then I would love her. If he is more loving, then I will be more submissive. He has to do it first. She has to do it first. I will change, but he or she has to do it first. And why? Well, because none of this is going to matter. No matter what I do, all the sacrifices I make, no matter what happens, if I do this, he's not gonna change. No matter how hard I try to do everything you're telling me to do, Shane, all the stuff, everything that I've read, everything that I've done, or anything that you're telling me that I need to do, no matter what, I've done it already, no matter what I do, she will never be happy. You see, all of this is not putting yourself aside. You are squarely in the front. Did you know that if you sacrifice to gain, then you did not sacrifice. If you sacrifice because you desire to get a certain response out of your spouse, then you didn't sacrifice for your spouse. You didn't sacrifice for your spouse, you sacrificed for yourself. So, if you sacrifice for yourself, then it really isn't a sacrifice, now is it? And your spouse knows this. Well, they're hearing this, they know this. They're hearing you say this and they know this. And some of them, some of the wives may say, well, yeah, of course he's going to make these sacrifices because he cares more about peace in the home than he does about me. And now you made all these sacrifices, quote unquote sacrifices, expecting this change and there is no change and therefore we're now upset. This is why I say we need to put ourselves aside and look at ourselves and focus in on ourselves. Then we don't become discouraged with all the ways our spouse lets us down. Because of course our spouses, they're going to let us down. Okay, so if you want to do that, then you're going to be miserable all day long. We need to put ourselves aside and we need to fix our eyes upon ourselves. trusting in the Lord that we're going to see the necessary changes that needs to happen within us. And when we make a sacrifice for our spouse, a true sacrifice for our spouse, then it doesn't matter then how they respond. You see, we by nature, we enter into a marriage looking at what we can get out of it instead of what we are bringing into it. We'll say, I like this person because the payoff totally outweighs the sacrifices I need to make. Allegedly. And then when we find out that a marriage demands the sacrifice of every part of our lives, well, I'll just call a lawyer and try again. You know, thank the Lord that He did not think this way when He sacrificed it all, when He went to the cross to die for His sinful, wretched, evil, selfish, loathsome, lustful, lascivious, rebellious, disrespectful, unsubmissive, deceitful, adulterous, irresponsible, angry, irrational, lazy, uncaring, and quarrel some bride." Romans chapter 5 verse 8, Romans chapter 5 verse 8. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. While we were still failing, he died for us and made the sacrifice. The problem in marriage and the reason why we cannot make the necessary changes is because of that thing called remaining sin. And we can't see it. This is why we have major issues even as Christians. We have problems, yes, we're seeing it. But let me show us why this is an issue. The remaining sin within us is why we can't fix it on our own. The answer then is the answer for everything in our lives as Christians. So here we go, here's the answer. It is the gospel. The gospel of Jesus. We rob ourselves of the power of the gospel when we think that it only applies to us when we first became Christians. The gospel is the solution for it all. What you heard in Romans just now is the gospel that Christ made the sacrifice. He died for us. It is the power of the gospel to show us the beauty of the truth, to show us the beauty of sacrifice, and that he had made a sacrifice for a bride that did not deserve it. And you know that's true. It's the gospel. It's the solution for everything. In marriage, it's the gospel. In marriage, what we need is not new ways to restrain and remain. What we need is transformation and celebration. And this is what we get with the gospel. The solution to marriage problems is the gospel, period. I'm making it easy today. That's it. I'm telling you. That's it. See, look at this. If you lock a spider and a scorpion in a cage together, there's no psychological methods or principles that will get them to live in peaceful harmony. It's just not going to happen. See, what needs to happen is they need to be changed into two cute and lovable puppies, and then they'll get along and play in the cage. See, I think you get my point. Spouses that will not obey the Lord will not do what is necessary to fix a marriage. If your spouse won't listen to God, then why in the world would they listen to you? There needs to be a change of heart. Nothing will matter. Nothing can be done if there's not a change of heart. So Shane, what are you saying here? Okay, now I'm starting to panic here. What are you saying? You're letting my spouse off the hook right now by saying that he can't change. Now he or she is not going to do anything to change. They're not gonna do anything because Shane says that I can't change. That's not gonna happen. You're letting them off the hook. No, I'm not letting them off the hook. But the reality is they cannot change their hearts on their own. So I'm telling you that this is the reality, but I'm not saying that all is lost. So you can do something. And many of you are listening to this saying what? This is what you can do. You can rush to the gospel. You can cling to the cross and plead with the Lord for the transforming power of the Spirit, to pursue the gospel, to pursue Christ, pursue Christ like we all may pathologically pursue marriage help resources. We pursue it, we go after it, we buy everything that we can. Do we have that same intensity? Do we have that same passion? Do we have that same pursuit of the gospel? Are we even doing that? So I must say, well, how in the world are we supposed to pursue the gospel? You ready for this? It's simple. Go to church. The Lord gave us the answer. The answer is a true and a healthy church. The Lord gave us all that we need to be changed. It is a true and healthy church where you receive the preached word of God. You receive his invitation to worship him, his assurance of salvation, the means of grace, the Lord's supper, baptism, prayer, fellowship, worship. and a blessing at the end of the service. This is what the Lord has given to us for us to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord. I'm serious, guys. I'm serious. And I know that sounds weird. Sounds way too simple. Sounds way too unhelpful. Some of us have no confidence. Some of us have no confidence in the gospel, no confidence in the church. I mean, think about this. Say right now that you agree that it is the gospel or that it is the church that is the answer for your marriage problems. Here's my question. Are you confident that the gospel is there? Are you confident that your church takes the gospel serious? Or do you think that the church just plays church? That there's just entertainment, the church is just faking it, a pastor just trying to build a legacy. Do you think that the church is a true church? See, we need to be consumed with the gospel. The gospel is our answer, the gospel is our transformation. We know that, we see that in scripture, the gospel, it is the gospel. And we need to pursue it like never before. So you gotta make sure that you're getting it. Because if you're not getting it, then no wonder we're not confident in the power of the gospel. So let me also add too, there needs to be restraint. Oh yeah, there needs to be restraint. I mean, we still have to force ourselves to restrain ourselves to be the best individual that we can. Okay, because even though we are yearning for a gospel transformation, we are still responsible for our actions. We can still be put on church discipline for our actions. So, I'm not taking anything away of the fact that there still needs to be restraint. But the reality is that that's not all we can have. Even if we're successful in restraining ourselves, it doesn't mean that we're gonna be able to do it our whole lives. It's been my experience that a lot of times people can restrain themselves for a season, but when that season is over and they can't restrain themselves anymore and the selfishness and the self-centeredness and all the passions, the sinful passions come back. It's sometimes it's even worse than it was before. Some of you guys may have seen it. Some of you guys know what I'm talking about. This may be some of you. So yes, we still need to restrain, but the reality is is that within our restraint, we still need to yearn and we need to passionately pursue, pursue transformation, transformation by the power of the gospel and trust in the Lord that the gospel will transform us. It is the gospel promise, the power of the Holy Spirit. We have to put all of our hope and all of our trust in Christ. Trust in Christ for the salvation of our marriage, just like we trusted in Christ for our salvation. Again, family, the problem is sin. the solution is the gospel and only the gospel the lord has given us everything that we need for us to receive the benefits of the gospel we find it in a true church that's it we do What we want to do in sin, we do what we want to do, period. That's why the Lord had written the law upon our hearts. That's what he means when he says he wrote the law upon our hearts. He causes us to desire to do the law. He causes us to want to obey. And because of the transformation, now we want to consider others as better than ourselves. There you have it. There's the key. The key for a better marriage. So let's walk through this together. Let's recognize that it is the gospel that is the true motivation for marriage. Today we begin with what I'm calling the theology of marriage in the beginning. So in order for us to be mature in marriage, we have to be mature Christians. That's key, right? I mean, that makes sense. In order for us to be mature, we want to be mature in our marriage, well, we have to be mature Christians, or mature people, at least. Mature Christians. So if that's the case, we need to have a firm grip the biblical foundations of marriage and where we want to go is we want to go to the very beginning Genesis chapter 1 verses 27 to 28 Genesis 1 27 to 28 so God created human beings in his own image in the image of God he created them male and female he created them Then God blessed them and said, Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground. So right here we find the foundations of marriage, right here in what I will refer to as the Great Commission of the Old Testament. Okay, the Great Commission of the Old Testament. So we all know the Great Commission of the New Testament, right? We go into all the world to make disciples. Well, I see kind of the same spirit or the same idea here. The Lord commissions man, commissions Adam, here in Genesis. Man is to do what? Man is to have dominion over the earth as the Lord's representative. Again, man is to have dominion over the earth. That's what the Lord is telling us to do. That's interesting. In a lot of ways, these two, the commissions that God gives to go into all the world to make disciples and to have dominion over the earth, there's a lot of parallels when you look at the two, when you study it deeper, but we won't spend time to do that. So he commissioned mankind to reproduce, right? He commissioned mankind to reproduce. So listen up, all those of you who do not want to have children. So we're to reproduce, we are to govern the earth, and we are to reign over the animals, okay? And it is the fact that we are made in the Lord's image that we are able to actually carry this out. Okay, the fact that we are made in the Lord's image is the reason why we're able to carry out this great commission of the Old Testament. Okay, so let me jump in here really quick with a little bit of an aside. So there are tons, in my opinion, tons of really bad teaching when it comes to what it means to be made in the image of God. Okay, so understand this. Here it is. Being made in the image of God simply means that he gave us all the tools, he gave us the ability to be able to carry out the commission to have dominion and govern the earth as his representative. Okay, the ability to think, the ability to use reason, the ability to name animals, the ability, the mind power, all of the tools that Adam needed in order for him to carry out what God commanded that he do. Okay? It's just, we have the ability. And in Egypt, and again, this would be understood by the people who Moses was writing to in Genesis, who were just freed from Egypt, entering into the Promised Land. Understand that Pharaoh was referred to as, well, the image of God. He was the image of Ra. Okay? And essentially what that means is that he was imbued with his power to rule the world. Okay? That Ra gave Pharaoh the power to rule the world. So it's the same idea, the same mentality. The image of God is simply the tools, the power, everything Adam needed to function as the Lord's representative here on earth. It's just simple, okay? The image of God means that God gave him the ability to carry out his commands, all right? So let's look at the Great Commission of the Old Testament. The first part of the commission is to be fruitful and to multiply, all right? So we see the importance of us as humans to have children. That's what it means to multiply. The second is to rule. So we are to be fruitful and multiply and the second thing is we are to rule. Govern the earth and rule over the animals. Okay, multiply, have children, and rule the earth as God's representative. That is what God had called us to do. That's what he has commissioned mankind to do. That's what I want us to do. That's what he wants us to do, all right? So in light of this, knowing this commission, now we see why marriage is foundational to this commission. Marriage was necessary to accomplish this. Well, some of you may say, well, how so? How is it necessary? Well, I mean, I think it should be obvious, right? I mean, we can't multiply without being married. Well, we can't justly multiply without being married. I know some of you might be thinking, well, technically you can multiply without being married. Let's go back justly, you can't justly multiply without being married. Marriage is necessary. And here's the thing, as man began to progress in having dominion, ruling, Okay, watch this. Ruling, having dominion, the Lord saw that it was not good for man to be alone, and so he gave him a helper, somebody to help him rule, to have dominion over the earth. So the Lord desired man to carry out having dominion with a suitable helper. Eve, his wife, his companion. See, here's another important piece. So marriage is foundational to being fruitful and to multiply, and marriage we see is foundational to us having dominion, a companion, a suitable helper. So there it is, together. Now, how is man supposed to obey God in the creation ordinance to be fruitful and multiply again without marriage? How can man fulfill the creation command from God to be fruitful and multiply without marriage? He gives us the tools to fulfill the commission with being made in His image and marriage. Marriage to reproduce. Marriage to have dominion. See, reproduction is foundational to what we would define as being married. So this is why we have one huge and glaring problem when we face the issue of same-sex marriage today. The commission is for us to multiply. That's what it is that we're supposed to do. So I'm thinking that you're seeing where I'm going with this. This is why same-sex marriages poses a problem. But we'll deal with this a little later. So from the very beginning we see that God created man and gave him a charge. Be fruitful and multiply and have dominion over the animals and the earth. He gives man the charge and he creates woman to help him. And when the two become one, they are able to multiply. Marriage is foundational to the plan God has for mankind. It is a must to fulfill our duty to the Creator. So essentially what I'm saying here is no marriage? No way! We can't fulfill it. This is how vital marriage is and how important marriage is. Now, if you continue in Genesis, we see this developing even more. Genesis chapter 2 verse 24, Genesis 2 24 says, And the two are united into one. This is a beautiful picture of marriage and it is the picture that is used to teach us the ultimate final fulfilling, the final reason for marriage. The marriage relationship is a means which God desires to use to illustrate the relationship between Christ and His Church. Marriage teaches us how Christ relates to His Church. It teaches us about how God wants to relate to his church. Paul declares it. Ephesians chapter 5, verses 31 to 32. Ephesians 5, 31 to 32. As the scriptures say, a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. I'm hoping you're seeing that. So if this is a foundational, fundamental reason for marriage, it is a great one indeed, wouldn't you agree? And it is one that should cause us all to tremble. God desires us to know how he desires to relate to us and to show us how it looks God desires to do this, and so he gives us the institution of marriage to do this. If this is the purpose of marriage, I hope it strikes fear in all of us today. How in the world, how are we going to actually treat this important revelation that God gives us? The Bible, prayer, the Lord's table, baptism, etc. These are things that teach us about God. How do we treat those things? How do we treat them? See, marriage teaches us about God as well. And we today seem to treat it with utter disrespect. And in my opinion, we should be ashamed of ourselves. Even within the church, divorce, adultery, spousal abuse, both ways, polygamy, same-sex marriages, and neglect teaches to the world lies about the relationship that Christ has with his church. And this is especially true with Christian marriages. Christian husbands who neglect and abuse their wives teach us that God is unloving and unfaithful to His church and has absolutely no regard for her. Wives that are unfaithful, disgusted, and disrespectful to their husbands teach us that Christ can be disrespected and used, spat upon in disgust. Is it teaching us? Is marriage teaching us? Yes, marriage is supposed to teach us about the union between Christ and His church. This is what God intended. It is why marriage was created. It was created to teach us. So you see, some of the big problems some of us have in the church today is a view of God that He doesn't care. That he does not bother with us. He only cares about some people. He is an absentee landlord. Some believe so little of God that they do not give him all that he deserves. That he's not worshipped like he deserves. That he's not prayed to like he deserves. Seen and treated less than he should be. Even secular professors from Harvard are quoted as saying, in America, God is not worshipped. He is used. We see a false picture of marriage. A false picture of marriage is actually contributing to this when it is treated so lightly. This is why, family, this is why we have got to get our act together when it comes to marriage. We are teaching the world that the institution of marriage is not sacred. When we see the abuse of marriage and we see marriage being taken so lightly within the church, that's what we are teaching the world. We're teaching the world that marriage is not sacred. No wonder the world doesn't treat it as sacred. Divorce rates, abuse, adultery is way too high in the church. And then we go to these no-redefining-of-marriage rallies, and we're standing there proclaiming the sanctity of marriage. And I feel like the world is standing back there saying, why should we treat it as sacred? You don't treat it that way either. You see, we as a church are at fault in more ways than we would even like to admit. We're teaching the world that a covenant relationship is not worth discomfort, not worth pain, not worth giving patience, not worth being offended, not worth sacrifice, not worth change. It's not worth all that we have to keep it. It's not really that important. Is that what we're teaching the world? If it doesn't make us completely happy, then we just get a divorce. Is this what we're teaching the world about covenant relationships? Do we not realize that the relationship we have with Christ is a covenant relationship? This is why we're saying that marriage teaches us about the covenant relationship that Christ has with his church. What are we teaching the world when it comes to marriage? And even worse, what are we teaching our children? You see, we have a crisis today. The world sees the Lord as unfaithful and neglectful, or that he can be disrespected with his name taken in vain, mocked, denied, and ridiculed. Again, our marriage issues in the church are contributing to this problem. We need to take it serious. We need to see it as important. We need to understand it as a mysterious revelation from God, and it needs to be treated as revelation from God. We wouldn't treat the Bible with disrespect, would we? Hmm. So I would say that marriage is pretty important. And again, this is not to take away from those who remain single. You know, they want to remain single because of their devotion to the Lord and devotion to His work. That's great. That's wonderful. That is celebrated, and we desire that. It's a very important New Testament truth that we see that was given to us by Paul. That's important. And the union that you have is with Christ already, and that's awesome. That's great. That's what we want, all right? These people with this call and this ministry are vital to the kingdom of Christ, absolutely. But, this is a marriage workshop, so we're going to talk about marriage. So, we cannot, as a species, fulfill the creation mandate without it. And we are taught that the relationship of Christ, we are taught of the relationship with Christ and his church by marriage. You see, I can't express to you how important this institution is, how important it is to the church, and how important it is to the world. But again, the reality is not that we don't want to. The reality, in a lot of ways, is we can't. And no wonder we have so many problems with this. We are so weighed down and so corrupted with remaining sin in our lives. Even if we can successfully restrain our behavior to some extent, it would only be a temporary fix. Many times we see that the harder we try, the more sinful and destructive our relationships become. And no wonder. Sinners are selfish and sinful. Sinners sin. Just like dogs bark. That's what dogs do. Sinners sin. That's what sinners do. So that's why we need transformation. And this is what we get from the gospel. This is why we need the gospel. It is not just what we need to hear to become a Christian. It's what we constantly need to hear as a Christian. Because it is the gospel that is our strength. It's our encouragement. It is our motivation for marriage. It is the power that will transform us and transform our marriages. It is the power of God for salvation. It is the truth of Christ that will set us free. It is the beauty that Jesus died for our sins according to the scriptures and he was buried and he was raised on the third day according to the scriptures. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance that Christ Jesus came into this world to save sinners He became sin who knew no sin that we might become the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. This is the gospel of Jesus. Today we need to repent of our self-centeredness, our selfishness, our blame, our neglect, our abuse, our unfaithfulness, our disrespect, our anger, our jealousy, and our self-righteousness. And we need to throw ourselves at the mercy seat of Christ. Call upon the name of the Lord, because all who call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. Today we fall at the feet of Christ and know that as far as the East is from the West, so far does He remove our sins from us. So today, forgive your spouse. And why not? Christ forgives you, and I guarantee that your spouse has not done any worse to you than you did to Christ. These are the truths and some of the implications we see of the gospel. So today, rest in Christ. Hear the gospel. Trust in the gospel. Pursue the gospel like you pursue all these other means by which you want to find the answers for peace in marriage. Pursue the gospel. The church is the gift from the Lord to give you what you need when it comes to the gospel. That is why a good church is important. Remember, today you are forgiven. And trust that the Lord will make you more and more into his likeness. And how do you know that he will? Because he who began a good work in you, he promised that he will bring it to completion. He will finish it. Let's pray.