Ephesians chapter 5. Looking to what is said in verses 22 through 33 of Ephesians chapter 5, I want to preach a fourth sermon in this series of messages that I've entitled, The Venomous Sin of Self-Love, The Killing Effects of Narcissism in Our Hearts, in Our World, in Our Homes, and in Our Churches. Having observed from Scripture the poisonous root of self-love that exists within our hearts, as well as the poisonous fruit of self-love that exists among our individual homes and among the world at large, in the time that we have together this evening, I want us to examine what Scripture has to say about self-love among our marriage relationships. The particular title I have given to this sermon is, Narcissism in Marriage, When Self-Love Eclipses Christ's Love. Narcissism in Marriage, When Self-Love Eclipses Christ's Love. Ephesians chapter 5, beginning in verse 22. Submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it. that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth it and cherisheth even as the Lord the Church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they too shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence her husband. With this Scott-inspired and preserved text before our eyes, the first truth that I want to fasten to the forefront of your mind is a concise exposition of Paul's exhortations. a concise exposition or explanation of Paul's exhortations. And you will notice by a simple glance of the eye that among these 12 verses that are mentioned at the end of Ephesians chapter 5, that there are three verses dedicated to the wives and nine verses dedicated to the husbands. In verses 22 through 24, Paul preaches a sermon about the wife's relationship to her husband. And then in verses 25 through 33, Paul preaches a sermon about the husband's relationship to his wife. And if you are a very curious person like I am, you are probably wondering why the wives are addressed before the husbands and why the husbands have a sermon that is three times longer than the wives. I can see the assumptions that can lead to marriage conflict just in the casual observation of the order and length coming out already. The husbands are thinking that Paul starts preaching at the wives because they are the bigger problem in the marriage. They say things like it was Eve who encouraged Adam to sin. It was Sarah that encouraged Abraham to disbelieve God's promise. And it was Job's wife who was a thorn in Job's side during the most trying time in his life. So obviously Paul begins by setting the wives straight. And the wives, on the other hand, are thinking, you have it all wrong. Obviously, Paul has less to say about the wives because women are better listeners than men. And Paul needs to save the ink that he can avail himself to to preach a longer sermon to hardheaded husbands. The wives think that husbands need three times as much exhortation than the wife because typically you have to tell them three things in rote before they get it. And the wives' proof text is Peter. The men are throwing proof texts about Eve and Sarah and Job's wife. The wives are saying, do you remember Peter? God had to do everything in threes in Peter's life because he didn't get it. So here God, through Paul, has to preach a sermon that is three times longer to the men so that they understand what God wants them to do. Why does Paul address the wives first and the husband second? Why does Paul spend less time addressing the wives than he does the husbands? Could it be? Because women are better listeners for the most part? Could it be because men need more reminders? Could it be that Paul is simply climbing the ladder of authority in the home and he is dealing with things as it relates to the lesser responsibility as he moves to the greater responsibility? We don't know. We're only left to guess. Whatever your opinion is as to why Paul addresses the women before the men and why Paul's sermon to the men is longer than the women, I think both sides should lay down their swords and not presume too much on the text so that both husband and wife might humbly recognize that both sides in the marriage relationship have a very challenging task. Can we meet in the middle of verses 24 and 25 and acknowledge something for a moment? The wife's God-given responsibility to submit to a man is not an easy assignment to accomplish. And the husband's God-given responsibility to love his wife as Christ loved the church is not an easy assignment to accomplish. Are you with me? Wives, come on. Even the best of men are men at best. The exhortation to submit yourself to your husband is not an exhortation that is difficult to understand in a theological sense, but it can be difficult to implement in a practical sense, yes? You can shake your head, it's okay. Husbands, come on. It's not a hard exhortation to understand as a concept, this exhortation to love your wife as Christ loves the church, but it is hard to put into practice in our day-to-day living, isn't it? Yet this is precisely what God, through Paul, is calling wives and husbands to do. God through Paul is commanding Christian wives to submit themselves to their own husbands, and God through Paul is commanding Christian husbands to sacrificially love their wife. And the foundational truth through which their individual responsibility is to rest upon and center around is Christ's relational example to his church. Do you see that? In Paul's brief sermon to the wives, he commands them to submit themselves unto their own husbands as unto the Lord as the church has been commanded to subject itself to Christ. And then in Paul's more lengthy sermon to the men, to the husbands, Paul commands the men to love their wife as Christ loved the church and sacrificed for it. The heartbeat behind both commands is to love as Christ loves the church and as the church responds in loving Christ. This is the hinge on which the individual exhortations swing upon. The hinge is Christ. And that makes sense because if Paul is speaking to believers, he is assuming that the focal point of their individual lives is Christ. He's speaking to Christians. He's speaking to people who profess the name of Christ. They say that they love Christ more than anything. Now some well-educated commentators want to come alongside of this passage and say that the wife's responsibility is to submit while the husband's responsibility is to love. The wife, they say, these smart commentators, the wife is particularly called to show respect toward her husband. Verse 33. While the husband is particularly called to show some sort of sappy love toward his wife. Verses 25 through 31. I've heard this statement from godly men, that the husband's greatest need in the marriage relationship is respect, while the wife's greatest need in the marriage relationship is love. While I do not disagree with what they are saying to an extent, I believe there is something deeper in the passage that we must endeavor to understand. As Paul talks about the wife submitting to her husband as the church is to submit to Christ, and as Paul talks to the husbands about loving their wife as Christ loves the church, I am persuaded that the underlying theme of both exhortations is selfless love. Both sides are to exhibit selfless love to one another because that's what will honor Christ the most. Think about it. Let's take Paul's exhortation in hand and sift it out. How should believers relate to Christ among his church? Wives are to submit as the church subjects itself to Christ. Well, how should believers relate to Christ among His church? Well, first and foremost, they must humbly recognize His God-given authority over them. Jesus is Lord. That's our proclamation as we come to this place. He is the Lord of heaven and earth. He is the King of kings and Lord of lords. He's the only wise potentate, the King of kings. We recognize his authority. And then we sincerely and joyfully listen to his word. That's what we do when we come together as a church. We bow our hearts to his holy word. Our desire is to do what he has commanded us, and then we are to diligently submit to and follow his leading in our life. We acknowledge his God-given authority over us, then we sincerely and joyfully listen to his word, and then we diligently submit to and follow his leading. This is the existence of Calvary Baptist Church. The essence of our existence as a church is not to come together to proclaim our own names. The essence of our existence is not to seek out what best pleases us in our church services. The essence of our existence as a church is not to become a Lord over the Lord. The essence of our existence as a body of believers is to submit ourselves to Christ, and we practically do this by hearing and obeying His word, catch it through our self-sacrificial love for Him. The church ought to submit themselves to Christ because God has made Christ the head of the church. So we acknowledge this truth, and we seek to do His will above our own. And this requires selflessness, doesn't it? Christ tells us to gather among His church. Forsake not the assembling of ourselves together as the manner of some in, but sometimes we don't feel like it, do we? We don't want to. So what do we do? We submit ourselves to his word over and above our own desires. What Christ tells us then, through his word, to love one another, forgive one another, to live in harmony with one another, to serve one another, but sometimes our flesh screams at us saying, we don't want to do that. What do we do? We come under the authority of his word, we submit ourselves to what he says, and we selflessly forgive. Why? Because that is the expression of selfless love. Jesus says, if you love me, don't say it, show it. If you love me, keep my commandments. If you love me, follow me. Jesus says, he that hath my commandments and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me. If a man will love me, he will keep my words. He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings. Jesus also says, by this shall all men know that you are my disciples, that you are my children, that you are my followers, if you exhibit selfless love one for another. And let me just encourage you to remember that Christ not only taught such a truth, he exemplified such a truth. What motivated Jesus Christ to leave the glories of heaven, to take upon him the form of a servant, and become obedient even the death of a cross? Two things. Number one, loving submission to the Father's will. Number two, selfless love for the church. Selfless love, selfless love for the believer. So Paul says in this passage, wives ought to love in this way. You ought to love your husband as Christ loves. You ought to love your husband as the church loves Christ. I don't know why it is, but we have this twisted tendency to look at the passage in such a warped way, imagining that Christ whips people into subjection and the church only submits itself to Christ because it is fearful of some tyrannical monster God. As I mentioned this morning, that's not true biblical Christianity. True biblical Christianity is about a loving relationship with a God through Jesus Christ who loves us, not about heartlessly following rigid rules. We, the church, willingly submit ourselves to Christ because we love Christ and that's the Father's will. We, as the church, willingly endure hardships that sometimes come our way among the church. Why? Because we love Christ. Do you not recognize that the church endures hardship and must submit themselves to God's word in the midst of such hardship? Yes, there are attacks upon the local church from within and from without. The winds of compromise want to pull us away from holding fast the word of truth and the church has to remain steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord. So why is it we persevere? Why is it that we hold fast to that which has been true? Because we love Christ. And that's the Father's will. Now, some of you are tempted to think, well, it's easy to submit to Christ because He is perfect and He loves us perfectly. Okay. Then why is it sometimes hard to obey His commands? Why is it sometimes hard to say no to the good things so you can say yes to the best things? Why is it sometimes hard to gather ourselves on the Lord's day? Why is it sometimes hard to give monetarily to the work of the Lord when things are tight in our bank account? Why is it hard to receive the rebuke and exhortations from a preacher who is the age of your children or your grandchildren and try to live it out Monday through Saturday? Come on. Some of you are already excusing things away. You're saying, well, if my husband was perfect, then I wouldn't have a problem submitting to him. If my husband was like Jesus, I would happily submit to him. Really? Then why don't you submit to Christ perfectly? He's the perfect sinless Savior. He is God in the flesh. He is altogether good and lovely. Then why do you buck at his commands? Stop flattering yourself. Why do we do this? I'll tell you why. Because we have the tendency to love ourselves. Are you seeing it yet? Paul's exhortation to the wives of the congregation in Ephesus is not just to heartlessly, obstinately submit with a bitter attitude. The exhortation is to exhibit selfless love as unto the Lord. And this is the same exact message that Paul has for the husbands in verses 25 through 33. The message that Paul hammers on the hearts of husbands is selfless love that is exemplified in Christ. Husbands, love your wives in the way Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church? It was not a love filled with emotion that was just sappy. Christ loved the church by giving himself for it. What motivated Christ to give his life for the church? Selfless love. Look up to verse two of Ephesians chapter five. Walk in love as Christ also hath loved us and hath given himself for us an offering and sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling savor. How does Christ demonstrate his love toward us? It is not merely through his written word, it is through his selfless actions. But God commendeth, he demonstrated his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He died in our place. We should pay for our sin, but he took the punishment for us. That is selfless love. And by the way, Christ did not exemplify his love for us one time way back then. He, at this very moment, is keeping us in his flock. He, at this very moment, is sanctifying us by the water of His Word. He, at this very moment, is defending us from the wiles of the devil. He, at this very moment, is willing to forgive us when we confess our sins to Him. He, at this very moment, is nourishing and cherishing His church. You see, he not only gave himself on Calvary's cross way back then, just one time, he continues to give himself for our protection, our provision, and our sanctification at this moment. At this moment, Jesus Christ is interceding for us. At this moment, Christ is patiently putting up with our failings. At this very moment, Christ is extending mercy to us. What a gracious, selfless, loving Savior. And this is how husbands ought to love their wives. Husbands ought to love their wives as Christ has loved and continues to love his church. How does a husband do this? By being selfless. While there are different exhortations spoken to each particular spouse, the foundational message, the connecting message is one and the same. And the foundational message is selfless love as Christ loved. Selfless love that is rooted in Christ. This then leads us to the second main truth that I want to fasten to the forefront of your mind. Having given you a concise exposition of Paul's exhortations, I want you to now think about the clear cause for Paul's exhortation. The clear cause for Paul's exhortation. And the question under the second point is, why do you suppose Paul is persuaded to preach this particular message to husbands and wives among a church of all places? This should be a message for the world, right? But for the church, for Christians, for those who love God? Why do you think God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to inspire and preserve individual sermons on selfless, sacrificial love to wives and husbands? What do you believe is the driving motivation for sermons on selfless love among the marriage relationship? I'll give you the straightforward simple answer. Both God and Paul know that we as the sons and daughters of Adam have a sinful tendency to love ourselves more than others, including our spouse. If there's one domineering theme that is highlighted more than any other theme throughout the New Testament epistles, I believe that one theme is stop loving yourself and start loving Christ and others. This is the essence of the great command. Trace it out. Look at all the squabbles taking place in the churches, and notice the one thing that prevents others from doing what they know they ought to be doing. They love themselves more than Christ. They love their pleasure more than Christ. They love their comfort more than Christ. They love their liberties more than Christ. They love their giftedness more than Christ. Go read the sermons to the seven churches in Revelation. and trace it out for yourself. What was the fundamental thrust of Jesus' rebuke to the churches in Revelation? Self-love over Christ-love. Go read it for yourself. I would submit to you this evening that this poisonous problem is the spiritual poison that leads to the death of marriages more than anything else. The spiritual poison of the marriage relationship is selfishness, self-love. This truth may sting a little, but you know that it's true. And you know it's true, not just in the marriages of other, you know it's true in your marriage relationship. The number one cause of all conflict, help me out children, I've been saying it for four weeks now, is me, me, me, my, my, my, I, I, I. Shall I share with you what takes place in most pastoral marriage counseling sessions? Let me take you behind the curtain for a moment. Here's the 50-yard dash. of most, quote, marital counseling sessions that happened in my study. He did this. She did this. He didn't do this. She didn't do this. It's her fault. It's his fault. I know I'm not perfect, but they, I'm not happy anymore. I don't know if I want to love them anymore. I just can't forgive. I won't forgive. I, I, I, me, me, me, my, my, my. I wanted to this, to do this. Well, I wanted to do that. And if they truly love me, they will do what I want. Do you know what's missing in such sinful, selfish strife among husbands and wives? There's a person missing. His name is Jesus Christ. Don't get me wrong. Many come into my office claiming to be Christian. They go to church and sit and they pew, but Christ is not the love of their life. And it's evident that Christ is not the love of their life because I see no love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, or faith. All I see and hear among the conflict and the war that is before me is selfishness, anger, hatred, bitterness, revenge, and a stubborn unwillingness to love and forgive as Christ supposedly did for them. Such people say they know Christ savingly, but they certainly don't show it. Do you not realize that the divorce rate among Christendom is no different than the divorce rate among the world? You say, how can this be? Well, I believe this is so for two reasons. Number one, there are many people who profess Christ with their lips who do not love Christ in their hearts. And number two, we have been so indoctrinated by the world's philosophy to love ourself. This is what we've been examining over the last four weeks, and it seeps into our marriage relationships. We've been so indoctrinated to seek our own personal happiness in marriage. Show me a text that says anything about our own personal happiness in marriage. We've been so indoctrinated to think that marriage is about finding someone who will serve us the way we want to be served. The world loudly shouts in the ears of Christians, you deserve this and you deserve that. You are entitled to be served in this way. You are entitled to be served in that way. You should never let your spouse dictate what you want because you're your own person. If you wanna spend your money on such and such, you should. If you wanna spend the weekend at the golf course, you should. If you wanna spend your Saturdays with the girls chasing after playdates, you should. If you don't want to be intimate with your spouse, you don't have to because it's your body, your choice. If you don't get your way, you should throw a little tissy fit. If your spouse doesn't understand your point of view, then you should remain angry at them. If your spouse hurts you in some way, you should hurt them back and never forgive them. If you are not happy in marriage, then you are perfectly justified to get a divorce. Sadly, many good Christians come along and say, yeah, you are justified. If you're not happy anymore, just get a divorce, rather than doing the hard thing and loving and forgiving if you can. I'm not talking about abuse. I'm not talking about legitimate biblical reasons for divorce. I'm just talking about little conflict, like little toddlers in the home. Sadly, one of the ways the church has become conformed to the image of this godly world is through selfishness in the marriage relationship. This is the spiritual battle that takes place in the home. The battle involves attacks from the world, the flesh, and the devil. Your sinful flesh allures you to love yourself more than God and your spouse. This godly world entices you to love yourself more than God and your spouse. And Satan, the enemy of our souls, tempts you to love yourself more than God and your spouse. And by the way, Ephesians chapter six, next chapter, this is the battle that Paul mentions. The battle is not against our spouse. It's not against flesh and blood. The battle is against our own sinful hearts and Satan's selfish snares. You think your house is a place of protection from Satan? Think again. He's a serpent and slithers in every little crack. Can you believe? that the primary human relationship that ought to display Christ's selfless love to the world is often the primary human relationship that becomes the arena of self-love. The devil knows what he's doing. He is purposely seeking to destroy the glorious picture of Christ's love. Attacks on marriages are nothing more than attacks against God. And this is the world that we live in. This is why God has given us his divine directives outlined for us in Ephesians chapter five. Knowing that we are tempted to love ourselves more than God and our spouses in our marriage relationships, God, through Paul, addresses the problem head on. And this leads me then to declare my third and final point. the Christ-centered remedy for the poison of self-love among our marriage relationship. The Christ-centered remedy for the poison of self-love among our marriage relationship. What is the single remedy for self-love in the marriage? What is to be the paramount pursuit in a marriage that seeks to be Christ-like and God-glorifying? I'll give you a hint. It's not going on trips every weekend. It's not buying your spouse nice little gifts all the time. It's not hours upon hours upon hours of counseling. It's not reading every psychology book under the sun. It's not about wives having girl times and husbands having guy time. It's not about having more children. More children will never fix your marriage problems. If you want to prove my point, just go to Genesis and read about the baby mama drama there. Listen to me. If you want a marriage that will last, if you want a marriage that will honor God, if you want a marriage that will thrive rather than survive, if you want a marriage that is rooted in Ephesians 5, you must die. That's it. Die. I'm not talking physical death. I'm not talking suicide. I'm talking about dying to your own selfish pursuits. The essence of Christ's love. What is it? Death. His body was broken. His blood was shed. Death. Death brings life. He died so we might live. And if our marriages are to live, both sides are to die to themselves and live for Christ. And if one side refuses to die, that doesn't give you a right to live for yourself. If the one side refuses to die to himself or herself, you must show the love of Christ to your spouse through your selfless sacrifice so that the cords of your selfless love might reach them with the gospel. This is the essence of 1 Peter 3 with the woman being married to an unsaved spouse. You're not going to win your husband by preaching at him, but through your selfless love. You must die even if they won't. Let me bring you back to my church study and share with you what I share with others who are seeking counsel in marriage. After sharing the truths of Ephesians 5, 22 through 33 with husband and or wife, I usually go back to Ephesians 4 and I zero in on verses 31 and 32. Look at it with me. Ephesians 4, verses 31 and 32. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice. Take it, put it in a bag, tie it up, and throw it out. And be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you. And I say to those experiencing problems, your marriage is to be a living representation of the gospel. Do you know what the gospel is? The gospel is about the holy, perfect, triune God-loving men who are unlovable. The gospel is about Jesus Christ, the righteous one, dying in the place of wicked, selfish sinners who deserve judgment. The gospel is about God in Christ showing grace to the guilty. Be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you. And then I ask him, I press him, how did God love you? And why are you not willing to love in that way? And they usually say, I know, but you don't understand. And I say, I don't. But God does. And he says, be tenderhearted, forgiving, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you. So then I say, look to Christ. He loved us when we hated him. He loved us when we were careless about Him. He loved us when we were running from Him. He loved us when we were persecuting Him. So take the initiative and love. Take up your cross and follow Him. You're a Christian. Do you know what a Christian means? It is to be a little Christ. Not that you are divine. but you are to exemplify who He is to the world. And usually this leads us then to say, who is sufficient for these things? Who can submit to their sinful husbands as the church submits to Christ? Who can love their sinful wives as Christ loves the church? Answer, you can't. You can't. Without me, Jesus says, you can do nothing. And that's our problem. Our problem is we're trying to live the Christian life without Christ. We just think we can sprinkle a little Jesus on here and there and go on living for Him. No. Who can do what God commands us to do? No man in and of himself, but God can do it through a person, by His power, by His might. Paul says, I can do all things that God commands me through Christ and only through him. He didn't say I can do it in my own strength. I can only do what God tells me to do through his enablement. I mean, is this not the essence of the Christian life? I mean, let's just step outside of the arena of marriage for a moment. Jesus says, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you and despise you. Who can do that? Come on, somebody comes and just punches you in the face, and you say, Father, forgive them. Is that your natural response? I doubt it. Come on, someone's hurt you and hurt you deeply, and you're commanded to love, and you're commanded to show mercy and to forgive. Who can do that in and of themselves? I don't know. But in Christ, you can. Who can raise their children in the way that God commands? Oh, Lord, you know. God, I'm constantly coming before you. Lord, help me. Who can shepherd eternal souls? They see my failures more than anybody else. I want to do right, but I'm stuck in Romans 7. I'm in this struggle, the flesh and the spirit. Who can be a bright and burning light in this dark and perverse world? This world is dark, it's perverse, it's anti-God. Who can keep ministering to others when they're stiff necked and hard heart? I mean, what pastor? Come on, this is 2025. The pastor preaches, sure doesn't see a lot of results. We're living in such a spiritually cold day. What pastor can endure in and of himself? I don't know. Who can pray as Christ commands us to pray? Who can love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength? Who can love their neighbors as themselves? Who is sufficient for these things? Paul answers the question, he says, our sufficiency is not of ourselves, our sufficiency is of Christ. Only through his divine enablement can we do what God commands us to do. Some of you are failing in your marriage and in your Christian life because you're not taking the time to sit at the feet of Jesus in prayer. You're not taking the time to abide in the vine. You're not taking the time to gaze upon the wonders of Christ, the amazing delight of his grace. If you were gazing at him more, you wouldn't have a problem going and doing likewise. You must learn to look at him from your heart, by the Spirit, through his word. You must gaze upon his love, his mercy, his grace, his selflessness. That's the only way you're going to love as he loves. From this passage, I've given you a concise explanation of the exhortations. I've shown you the clear cause for the exhortations. I've laid before you the Christ-centered remedy for self-love among our marriage relationships. The question now is, will we believe it and act upon it? Every sermon always gets back to this simple question, doesn't it? Do we believe that God's word is true, and will we, by faith, in loving obedience to God, act upon it? Trust and obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey. Jesus says, John 13, 17, if you know these things, happy will you be if you do them. Would you permit me to end the sermon by giving you several practical ways you can show selfless love to your spouse? Last week we ended with just a few quick practical exhortations through which you can apply the sermon, and I wanna do the same thing tonight. Let me give you tangible, practical ways you can be like Christ in dying to yourself to esteem your spouse better than yourself. I have several exhortations. I'll give them to you rather quickly. Number one. The first suggestion would be prayer, prayer. Pray for yourself and pray for your spouse. And when I say pray for your spouse, I'm not saying to pray imprecatory, self-righteous prayers upon their head. God, get them. God, change them because they need to be changed and I don't. Pray for yourself first, pray for yourself the most. And then when you do pray humbly for your spouse, pray Christ-centered prayers of mercy. Give God thanks for your spouse. Thank God that in this arena of marriage, he's given you an opportunity to grow in sanctification. That's what marriage is all about, by the way. Two sinners living in the same house. What is it for? For your sanctification. Ask God to help you love your spouse as Christ loves you. Here's a prayer that I pray. Lord, you love Becky through me. I can't do it in and of myself. You love her through me. Pray that. And by the way, it's hard to be mad at someone if you're praying for them. if you're constantly bringing them before the throne of God's grace. Hard to remain mad at them. Number one, pray. Number two, the second suggestion would be to guard your thoughts. Do you know where most conflict arises? In our thought life. Paul says, 1 Corinthians 13, charity suffereth long and is kind, charity envieth not, charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Guard your mind. Do not dwell on that which is not true. Do not dwell on that which you have no proof of. Are you listening? Do not dwell on the faults of others. Do not dwell on your hurts. Do not dwell on your needs. Dwell on Christ and His love and His grace. Philippians 4, 8. Whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report, think on these things. What is that telling us? Think on Christ. Christ is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and good. Number three, give quality and quantitative time to your spouse. Give quality and quantitative time to your spouse. Some say, I'll give quality time, but not quantity. And I think that's a lame, foolish excuse. True love gives, and it gives of its time. How much time do you spend talking to your spouse? How much time do you spend listening to your spouse? How much time do you spend serving Christ together with your spouse? If you really want to know someone, you have to spend time with them. Number four, give and receive. quality and quantitative attention to your spouse. Do you think this is different? Do you think this is the same? It's not, it's different. Give attention, not only time, but attention. This will require you to turn off the TV and turn off your phone. I think it's very sad that some people can text everyone else in the world, but they can't talk to their wife or their husband. No wonder their marriage is cold. They're on Facebook looking at everybody else's face, but they don't know the face of their spouse. How sad. Die to yourself. Give your spouse attention. Christ gives his attention. We can go to him at any moment. His door is always open. Give attention to your spouse. Number five, give romantic affection to your spouse. Give romantic affection to your spouse. My proof text for this is actually the whole book of Song of Solomon. Read it and you will see that there is a passionate, lavishing of love toward one another. from verbal praise to warm embraces to a longing to be intimate. This is a needed practical way each spouse can show selfless love to one another. And it requires dying to self. Valentine's Day should not just be on February 14. You being romantic should not just happen on your anniversaries. It should happen all the time. Give romantic affection to your spouse. Number six, express gratitude. Express gratitude by your words and gratitude through your actions. Tell your spouse that you praise God for them. Write them nice notes from time to time. Surprise them with loving texts. There are plenty of romantic emojis. Send them one from time to time. I mean, God does this with us, doesn't he? And we do this with him in prayer. So we ought to do this with our spouse. Well, they know that I love them. Do they? Tell them. And tell them often. They need to hear it. How often does God tell us that he loves us? Every page. Be like Christ. Number seven, forgive, forgive. Forgive and bury the hatchet. Let go of your resentment. Well, they did this to me 10 years ago, I'm gonna bring it back and shove it in their face. Is that what Christ does? No. When we go to God for forgiveness, it's done. He doesn't come back and throw it back in our face. As the East is from the West so far, has he removed our transgressions from us? Seek to live at peace with all men, Colossians 3.13, even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. Don't be a self-righteous Pharisee going around acting as if you never fail, and you would never do as they do in their sin. Come on. Die to yourself, die to your pride, and forgive, forgive. Number eight, demonstrate love through acts of selfless serving. Demonstrate love through acts of selfless serving. There's a whole range of things you can do. This may include buying flowers if your wife likes flowers. This can include helping out with the dishes from time to time. This can include helping your wife Watch the kids so that they can have some time away from the house. There are so many things that you can think of to show selfless way of love. Demonstrate love through acts of selfless serving. Number nine, may surprise you, but it's needful, compromise. I'm not talking about sinful compromise. I'm talking about righteous compromise. a willingness to die to your wants. You have to be a team. Husband and wife cannot go in two directions, pulling on each other all the time. You have to learn to compromise. And part of that is going back to the word and understanding that the husband is to lead and the wife is to follow. All right, now, this doesn't mean, well, what do you want for dinner? Well, I want Olive Garden. Well, I was thinking of Red Robin. Well, no, I want this. Oh, fine, we'll settle for McDonald's. Fine, we'll compromise. because Olive Garden and Red Robin are kind of like McDonald's? Not really. Compromise, sit down in love and agree. But remember, there is a line of order. Number 10, choose to love. Choose to love, loving is a choice. It's not based upon how you feel or what you, what you desire or what somebody else deserves. It's based on doing what God tells you to do. God commands us to choose love. God so loved the world that he chose to give his only begotten son. Christ so loved his sheep that he chose to lay down his life for them. So just do it. Love. Choose to love. And then number 11, Keep each other accountable spiritually. Keep each other accountable spiritually. Be humble enough to listen to your spouse when they see something that needs to be changed. If they see a two by four sticking out of your eye and it's hurting yourself and it's hurting other, be willing to take it. Take the rebuke. If your spouse comes to you and notices some spiritual sloppiness, some backsliding tendencies, ask them to approach you if you are slipping and be grateful for it. You want to be helped or not? Say whatever term of endearment you need to, honey, dear, sweetie, lover. I love you, you know I love you, right? Sandwich it with grace, sandwich it with love. I've noticed something's lacking. I can help you work on this. I love you, I only desire the best for you. I would want someone to come to me if I was struggling, so I just wanted to let you know. That's why God gives us a spouse, to help us to grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ. May the Lord help us to love as Christ loves. Let's pray.