and looking at love and rightfully so. So before we dive into where we left off at, let's again establish the framework of everything that we're doing. And at the beginning of the chapter, it's laid down that this is all done For what? Why are we doing all things? Why were we created? What is the chief end of man? To glorify God, that's what this is all about, right? We're created for the glory of God, and that has to be at the forefront of our minds when we're talking about doing. We have to have motivation. We have to have a goal, something in our eyes to keep us going when times get rough, things are difficult, when we become discouraged, when we become weary, when we feel like throwing up our hands and saying, I don't know if I want to do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. So the glory of God has to be the foundation that we stand on. It has to be the very, prize before our eyes that we are aiming for, we are moved by, we're going towards. You think of the little child who's beginning to learn to walk and the parent lets go of their hands and the child often falls and the parent will stand in front of the child and say, just look at me, just look at me, just keep coming, keep coming. And then the child finds the courage not looking at the floor, not looking at their legs, not looking at the table, but looking at their father's face, they're finding that they're actually walking. And that is the beauty of being moved and motivated, inspired, driven by the glory of God and not by mere action, morality, even by our wives, because as we talked about last time, there can be times when our wives are not very lovable and they can do things that can discourage us from doing what we know is right. Let's turn to Colossians 1. In Colossians 1 and 15, we see the reality of Christ and the purpose of all things. Someone read verses 15 to 19 Yes The firstborn over all creation For by him all things were created that are in heaven and on earth visible and invisible So we see there repeatedly Christ is the reason for all things. That includes your marriage. Your marriage is about Christ before anything else. It's for Christ before anything else. That's why marriage exists. That's why you were given a wife. It is for Christ. All things were created through him and for him. It's for him. It's about him. It's pointing to him. This is essential that we keep this in mind. So marriage is much bigger than just two people living together who love one another. Again, we know these things, but what we know doesn't always flow into what we do. And Peter did not think it was too much to stir up the people of his day by way of reminder. So let us be stirred up by way of reminder as well. Our marriage, first and foremost, is for the glory of God. It was given for Christ, that he might be seen as preeminent, above, about. This is about him. hearts are immediately thrown upward out of this temporary visible world into the realm of eternity and Christ and the glory of God. And then Romans 8, And we are very familiar with these verses, 28 through 30. So I'm going to read that, please. And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good. For those who are called according to his purpose, for those whom he For new, he also predestined to be confirmed to the image of his son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined, he also called. And those whom he called, he also justified. And those whom he justified, he also lured. So why are we married? Why is marriage given to the Christian? That we would be conformed to the image of the son. All things work together. So if your marriage is wonderful and beautiful and joyful, that is given to you, working together to bring about the same conclusion, to be conformed to the image of his son. If your marriage is difficult and rough and a struggle that is also given to you, all things working together to bring about the same end that you would be conformed to the image of his son, because it's all about him. Colossians one, we were created for his glory. This is all for him, about him, and marriage is meant to bring you more and more into the image of Christ. We know what it says in Ephesians 5, so let's go there again. To be reminded that marriage is above us, higher than us, more than just the in and out, day to day, Regular stuff there is something behind the scenes that is all together Supernatural amazing really glorious Ephesians 5 25 through 33 Husbands Love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her. That he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. That he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it. just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. So this is a great mystery that is explained to us. This is a great puzzle that is solved for us. It's all about Christ in the church. Our marriage is a painting of the gospel. Is it a display of the love that God has for sinful people like us, the redemption, the forgiveness, the sanctification, the rescue, the protection, all that goes into what Christ has done for us. This mystery is profound. This is a great mystery. And after all that high talk, he simply says. That each one of you love his wife as himself. This is the living out of this great mystery. This is taking these great theological tomes off the top shelf and putting it right down on the bottom. OK, you want to do this? You want to understand this? You want to practice all of this great mystery? Love your wife. Love your wife. That's yourself. Here's where our theology, here's where our doctrine, here's where the rubber meets the road. Do we really believe the Bible? Do we really believe the gospel? Do we really believe in Christ? Are we truly followers of him? Love your wife. Truly a profound mystery. So why have we been three Saturdays, three months, three times in this one chapter about love, because we all know love is the central thing. 1 Corinthians 13 says it much better than I ever could. Someone read verses one through three. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all that I have and then deliver it up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. So why are we spending all this time in love? It really is a central thing. If we have everything else, nothing else matters. If we don't have love, if, you know, after this, we're getting into leadership and, you know, confronting our wives and the marriage. I'm going to look into all these things. But if all of that doesn't flow out of a heart of love motivated by the glory of God, because of the gospel of God, because of the son of God, then Paul says here, We are nothing. We have nothing. We gain nothing. So with all of that as the foundation, all of that as the trampoline, let's springboard up into this chapter, into looking at these practical and You know, we don't separate practical from spiritual. The practical is fueled by the spiritual. But these practical outworkings of the spiritual truths that we love and cling to and preach, we believe. Thoughts to put off because they're not love, they're not loving, they're not gospel motivated, they're not consistent with what we believe. And the loving thoughts to put on. And last week, we pretty much got up to fear. We kind of bounced around a little bit, dealt a lot with pride, which is a major one, obviously. So I wanted to look closer at fear, bitterness, and preoccupation, and then end with ways that we can show love to our wives. So Adonai, would you? Let Chris use your book so he can. All right. Yes, 111. So this was something actually that someone brought up last time, the first one. These are thoughts that are possibly entering our minds when situations come up. There are tendencies to think this way. If I do or say that, she will get mad. So that could be, I think, I forget who mentioned that last time, but that could be a sin that we don't want to tell her about that we've done, or it could be something that we know we're supposed to do, standing up for truth, but we don't want to rock the boat, and what's wrong with that mode of thinking? How is that not love? It's not truth. It's not truth. Love rejoices in the truth, right? Does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. So the loving thought to put on is, if she gets mad, I will deal with it God's way. That's key, right? Not our way. The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. She gets mad, we're not going to punish her or give her the silent treatment or eye for an eye, tit for tat, but God's way, which we will look at, Lord willing, in chapters to come. So what else in this fearful section I remember that if I give an inch, she'll take a mile. I remember we looked at that. But there was at least one other that I thought was possibly a big one for us. Does anything else stand out? The last one, doing something to keep her happy or happy with me. What's wrong with that? It's kind of sound like being a man pleaser. Yeah. And. Peter says. Tell me if it's lawful to be a man and God. So, yeah, it's a service of the eye. Mm hmm. But I didn't do it much right. Yeah, something to keep her happy could be something that's not helpful, something that's not holy, something that, you know. Would any of us do well if we got everything we wanted? None of us would. And yet, if we're not careful, anything our wife wants, anything our wife says, anything that. OK, here you go. Yes, yes, yes, yes. In fact, I've heard many men who are been married for decades, and I asked them, so what's the secret? Yes, dear. Everything is yes, dear. Just yes, dear. Well, that sounds noble on the surface, but nobody would do well to have everything that you ask. There are things that we were wanting God to give us, and we are so thankful he did not give them to us, because he's a wise parent. He knows good. So the loving action, rather than just, okay, whatever's going to keep her happy, which really could be a selfish thing. It could be, I just want to keep her silent. I don't want her to bug me. I don't want her to bother me. It still can be very self-centered or it can be idolizing her, you know, okay, whatever she wants, she could want no wrong. She could ask for no wrong. And that's not true. She's still being sanctified by the grace of God, and everything that she wants is not necessarily good for her or good for the family or good for the marriage. God gives us hardships. He gives us trials, and those don't taste good at the moment. But if you eat enough broccoli, they tell me it's good for you. So the discipline of the Lord is good for us, and it produces a fruit of holiness, sanctification, godliness. even though it's not pleasing in the moment. So rather than that, rather than just being a people pleaser, rather than just being a yes, dear kind of husband. What is the loving action to put on doing loving things to please God and show this kind of love to her? And so we talked about the difference between the worldly definition of love and God's definition of love. And they're so diametrically opposed to one another. We can't even call the world's definition of love, love really. So loving things according to the word of God to please God goes back to that Glory of God, all things are for Christ. Everything is working to bring me to the image of Christ. Marriage is a picture of the love that Christ has for the church. It's about the gospel. So our motivation, first and foremost, is I want to please God. And if I seek to do what is pleasing to God, surely I'm going to give my wife what is best for her. Because God wants what is best for her. God loves her more than you are. your own way more than we could ever love our own spouses. Any other thoughts about fear, either that one or any others before we move on to bitterness? I think for myself, like when I said, if I give her a minute, she'll take a mile in my mind, I think a lot of times I'm just trying to be consistent. You know, I'm trying to like I'm pretty good about drawing lines in the sand just to keep myself, you know, keep things in order and not compromise. I feel like I'm compromising. So maybe someday I could just be like a fear of like, well, if I kind of give on this thing here, next thing, you know, it just opens up Pandora's box and now, you know what I'm saying? So it could be that. Yeah. Yeah. We, we, we were talking about, going back to the thought of what is it that I think about my wife? Do I think that she will actually put on one side, we can say that that can be her being manipulative. OK, she knows that I don't have much time. I don't have much energy. I don't have much. And if I if I just kind of give her a little bit, she's going to take more. So that communicates what I think about my wife, that she's so selfish and she's so self-centered and so inconsiderate. And she doesn't care that my workload is crazy. She doesn't care that I've had a long week. She doesn't care about this, that or the other. She just thinks about herself. So she's just going to take and take and take and take. And when I and when we were looking and say, well, that's a terrible thing to think about our wives. That's not true about them. In fact, the opposite is true. They give and give and give and give and give some more. And, you know, those who have children think of all that they give all day with the children and schooling the children and cooking and like just having to cook three meals every single day. Y'all want to eat again? Didn't y'all just eat yesterday? It's just this constant giving and giving and giving. And so when we think about our wives, Christian-wise, like what you said, brother, to have a believing wife, surely a lost wife is going to be very different than a believing wife. So to have a Christian wife who desires to do the will of God, who desires to no longer live for herself, who desires to follow Christ, to deny self, to take up the cross daily, to consider others as more significant than herself, that's a woman that we can not think that way about. And then there's a reality that, you know what, if I give an inch, she may take a mile because maybe she needs a mile. Maybe I've been given too many inches. Maybe the issue isn't mine. I've been the one that's so selfish. But the thought to put on, if you would read that and maybe share some thoughts about it. I will love her and do what I can for her. I mean, I guess what I've been chalking up to is like exceptions to my rules would just be like gracious gifts, you know what I mean? It may feel like compromise to me, I guess. Yeah. But it may just be like, hey, you know what? I will give her a break. I will ease her burden in this way or whatever. Yeah. Let that be a blessing to her, not as like compromise. Right. Yeah. I like what I can, because we can't do what we can't do. Right. if we can, and this always goes back to, okay, Christ, how far did he come for me? How much did he endure for me? How much did he sacrifice for me? How much did he suffer for me? How much did he give for me? Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. So that's the help, right? Yeah, thanks for taking us through that. That was helpful. All right, bitterness. A husband is bitter when he continually finds fault with his wife and finds it difficult to think good thoughts about her or do good things for her. He might punish his wife by withdrawing from her, by verbally attacking her, or by making life difficult for her. So what are some of these bitter thoughts? Somebody grab one and read it for us. It doesn't have to be in order, whichever one jumps out at you. She did that deliberately to hurt me or embarrass me. So love believing the best, is that likely the case? Is she actually trying to deliberately hurt you in her mind, setting out, I am going to hurt him. I want to embarrass him. I want to bring shame to him. I want everyone to point the finger and laugh at him. I mean, is that realistically what's going through the minds of our wives? another. It must have been for this reason. They had this thing they're trying to do to kind of get at me or cause me some kind of hurt. It's so easy to write that into actions that may just be even unnoticed by them. Right. Right. Can you remind me of my 271? Yeah. I feel like passing judgment, judging the intention or the heart, not even knowing Right. It is really putting ourselves in the place of God because we believe we can know the hearts, secret thoughts, the intentions, the motives, these speculations and this issue. How many arguments in marriage? I know why you did that. I know why you said that. I know what I know what's really behind that. Are we God now? When did he share his divine attributes with us? He does share that with no one. And yet, how often do we put ourselves in the prophetic, future-telling, mind-reading, heart-searching place that only God holds? Far too often. So the loving thought is, what? I need to believe the best and ask her about that. Yeah, ask. I'm not sure. But when you said this, it seemed as though this was the reason. Am I wrong about that? I don't wanna believe the worst about you. I wanna believe the best and I'm really struggling here. So I'm here, I'm confessing my weakness to you because I really can't get this out of my mind. So can you help me? Because when you did this, Knowing what you know, it seems as though this was the motive. Is that true? What if they say yes? You know, I was trying to hurt you. I was trying to embarrass you. Yeah, actually, yeah, that. Shamefully, I know it's wrong, but I wanted to get back at you. Then what? I think this thought can oftentimes be based in circumstances like that where two years ago they were holding wrongs. If you were you were trying to get me then and you did the same thing here and you think it's carrying over. So at that time, there's a need for forgiveness. But then in this time, you don't know that that was the same motive. Yeah, it's good. So they set out to deliberately hurt you and they tell you it's clear. Hands are painted red, caught in the act. Yep, I did it. Maybe they're not even regretful, not even remorseful. They're so angry in the moment. Yep, I said that because I wanted to hurt you. I called you that name because I wanted to disrespect you. Then what? I think in one of the section it says, sometimes husband treat their wife as enemy. But even then you don't have like a liberty to hate her because God loves his enemies. So you have to love like God. So love her even then. So there is no escape. Right. Yeah. So the Christian is told to love your neighbor, to love your wife, to love the brethren, to love your enemy. So wherever you want to put her in that category, you have the same marching orders. The King does not give you permission to put love off. Now what love looks like is not just going to smile at sin, but love is never an eye for an eye. Love never returns evil for evil. Do not be overcome with evil, but what? Good yeah, so when if it's true and God forbid that our lives would fall prey to the lie of the enemy that would Seek to hurt someone intentionally because no Christian ever does anything like that certainly not us. We never have any Angry actions that we are wrong right and So that would be like, uh, Matthew seven again, right? Seeing the log, you know, seeing the log in your eye and you move this back from that. Exactly. So you first see, okay, I have done this before God first, because it's always God word. How have I lived before God? I have sinned. I have sinned deliberately before God. I knew it was wrong, and I did it anyway, and God had mercy on me. I have sinned against him far greater than my wife could ever sin against me. I have said things that deserve the wrath of God forever. I have blasphemed his holy name. I have had things in my heart that are too shameful to ever speak aloud. And God knows all of that. and he had mercy on me." So in that humble place, we can see clearly to help our wives. I love you. And I know that you love me. And I know you want to follow Christ. And I know that you want to honor the word. And I know that right now, this is not you. This is the old you. And I'm going to be praying for you. And when you want to talk about this, when you're ready to repent, I'm here. Would you like some coffee? Do not return evil for evil. There'll be an entire chapter about how to deal with our wives' sins, but I just wanted to consider that, what happens if that deliberate, it was deliberate. Love believes all things, hopes all things, what? What's next? Endures. So if you can't believe the best and you can't hope for the best, it is the worst, endure. All right, this is what it looks like. Let me endure. Love never fails. Is there another? Bitterness. There's this one, not believing the best of our life, holding her past sin against her. Yeah, kind of goes into what you were saying, brother. So how would that look? What would be an example of that? Holding her past sin against her. Yeah. You might see her do something and it's fine. You remember you did that before? How you never overcome that sin or you never grow in that area. It's like... Yeah. Yeah. Becoming an accuser or... Put her down. You're not really sorry. If you were really sorry, you would never have done that again. Why even go into that excellent wife class? You're not doing those things. You're not serious about it. If you were, well, that can be very discouraging. What does it say about love? Love keeps what? no record of wrong. Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy. How much mercy do you want to receive? By the measure you judge, you will be judged. How do you want to be judged by the Lord? And we're told in the scripture something about as far as the East is from the West, so far has he removed our transgressions from us, that mercy is new in the morning. I will remember no more. What if we treated our wives as God treated us? We sing about those things. We rejoice that, oh, Lord, thank you that you do not deal with us according to our sin. It's almost as if you don't remember them. It's not that God has amnesia. He has no difficulty. He knows all things, but he is not dealing with us according to what we have done. What if we treated our wives in such a way? That type of activity, at least in my own marriage, has been a bedrock. building that relationship. Just knowing that there's a love there despite the wrongs, despite the errors, and that it's not remembered. Yeah. That is bound to produce fruitful fellowship, communication, trust. Someone who deals with you like that, you can come to them about anything. Far less likely for someone to hold back Something when you know, this is someone who will receive me who will deal with me as God has dealt with them They're not gonna wink at my sin, but neither will they condemn me They will love me in spite of what I've done And what I haven't done This this is why again the gospel Christ glory of God. All of this must be at the center because it's going to drive everything we do. All of our actions, all of our words, all of our behavior. You just constantly have that picture. How has Christ dealt with me? Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. You have to be looking at how Christ loved the church in order to imitate it. The more you look at Christ and the way that he has dealt with the church, the better we as husbands will treat our wives in the same way. So rather than the keeping records of wrongs, what is the loving action to put on? Thinking the best of her and remembering that I forgive her for the past. Remembering that I forgave her. Yeah, that's good. Forgiveness. Is our forgiveness true? Or is it, I forgive you until you do it again. I'm not gonna bring it up until you do it again. And I know you're gonna do it again. It's just a matter of time. So I'm just gonna keep it nearby so that I can say, you remember this? But again, how has God forgiven you? Lord's prayer, forgive us our sins as we, there it is. It's this constant theme throughout scripture. As we desire God to treat us, so treat others. Continuing to think negative thoughts about my wife. Continuing to think negative thoughts. You have to fight negative thoughts. And negative thoughts are not going to go away simply because you tell them to go away. You have to have a plan, a strategy. You have to have tactics. You have to have a battle plan when those negative thoughts come your way. So it says, planning thankful thoughts to think about my wife. Planning, love that. When this thought comes, okay, she's selfish, negative thought. What will you think in those times? Do you have a list of things you can think? Think of all the ways in which she pours out her life day after day, month after month, year after year in selfless service to your family. Think of that as you think this negative thought. Because the only way to defeat a lie is with the truth. What is true of your wife? She doesn't like me. She doesn't love me. She doesn't care about me. Is that true? Is that consistent with the pattern of life, with all that she's done, with all that she's said, with all that she's given, with all that she's sacrificed? Can you not hold to any thoughts, any memories, any actions, any behaviors, anything? Is there anything that you can grab a hold of? Isn't that what we do? When the enemy comes to us with the lies of, you know, God doesn't love you, God doesn't care about you, what do we do? We say, okay, let me grab hold of something true, something solid that I know Christ died for me. This is the love of God shown to me. Look, look, look, there it is. Okay, whatever you're saying is not true because of this. No matter how I feel about it, this is true. We need to do that with our wives. But if you don't have those thoughts nearby, if you don't have the record of right, love keeps no record of wrong, but it's okay to keep a record of right, right? To remember the good things, to remember the faithful things. I was going to ask, is it good sometimes to remember a wrong that was done, but not to condemn, but to stir up to repentance. I'm thinking of the verse when Christ said to the church, remember when you fell and repented. Remember the love that you had at first. At first. Yeah. One of the churches. And the works you did at first. You go back to those. Yeah. So is he stirring them up to remember their falling or the love? Yeah. So I'm thinking, yeah, I remind you that you can feel way Sure, well, I mean, to hold up sin, I find this to be a very helpful reminder. There are times in marriage when there is something on the table and it becomes me versus you, rather than us versus this. So, Let's say it is some sin. How can we together wage war against this sin? There's a united front, there's a teamwork effort against this thing that is alive, that is deceptive. We have the responsibility as husbands to wash our wives with the water of the word. So rather than me versus you, it's us versus this, which is an enemy. and nothing is supposed to come in between us. Let no one separate where God is joined together. So this is, we are one, one flesh together and we will fight together against this. It's not your problem. Oh, that's your problem. Let me help you with your problem. Rather it's, this is us. And this thing is seeking to divide us, to disrupt what God is doing here, to distract us. Isn't it true that if there's conflict in the house, you can't think, you can't do? I mean, your prayers are hindered. Everything gets disrupted when there's not that. So looking at it as this is our issue that we together need to fight, I think that can help even to remove the speck. from the eye of our wife. And so, yeah, we wanna say, okay, let's look at this sin together. That sin wants me too. It's crouching at my door too. It wants to take me. It wants to have me. The enemy's prowling to devour me too. And in my time of strength, here I can see clearly the hell. But that seems to be the way that I would point. Any other thoughts about that? On that list of right things, I've kind of fallen into the mindset of only pointing out the right things that she does. She cooked well, cleaned well, took care of the kids well, and that could kind of foster this idea of workspace type of living where you're doing these things and you're thankful because she did those things instead of tying them to You care for the home because of your commitment to biblical roles. You love because of your sacrifice and how you follow Christ and his love. You've gone after all of these efforts, not just because that's what you're doing, but because of who you are and being thankful more for her character and for her Christ-likeness as opposed to just her actions. Amen. Yeah. Amen. Fueled. I like, I like that. Um because I just know how how good it feels to me. Like, if you get a compliment about your more than just like what you do but man, I can tell that you love the lord because of XY. Man, that's so much more encouraging. So, like, I like that that take it a step further than what I normally do. Like, oh, I appreciate you. Mm hmm. But no, I know that you fear the lord and that's why you're doing this. I think that will like drive her a lot better than just a Amen. Thank you. If we do what is required of us, we like use a certain... Yeah, right. Yeah, it can be very, very helpful to remember who we are. And to tell our wives who they are. Even when they're not acting. Anything else with bitterness? Yeah, it does far more than just Cause conflict in the marriage the root of bitterness And if you don't repent of bitterness the bitter do not inherit the kingdom of God because bitterness is gonna Hold into unforgiveness and anger and murder in the heart and no murderer has any inheritance in the kingdom So all of these If the greatest commandment is to love since rather the sense the greatest commandment is to love the Lord God with all heart mind soul strength and the second is like it to love neighbor as yourself to not do that is sin and unrepentant sin Well, if you have no life in you. So these are things that we must put off because a lack of love is a violation of the highest law. A violation of the very person of God. All right, preoccupation. This is gonna sting a bit. A husband is sinfully preoccupied when he is consistently focused on other things of a lower priority than his wife or when he is ignoring problems in the marriage. He is distracted by things that are of less importance to God. It is sin to be task oriented, money oriented, success oriented or leisure oriented. No quarter every every single area of escape has been closed. So I wanted to read this. This is called Good Christians, Good Husbands, and it's lessons from the marriages and ministries of Elizabeth and George Whitfield, Sarah and Johnson Edwards, Molly and John Wesley. So it's a look at these marriages, ministries and What is the fruit of it all? And this is the introduction, which is. I don't know how many toes it's going to step on, but just bear with me here, when C.T. Studd felt that the Lord was calling him to Africa as a missionary, this this is just facts, there's no no, it's not opinion here. These are just the facts of the matter. Felt that the Lord was calling him to Africa as a missionary, his wife, Priscilla, objected. It was not that she was not committed to missions. In fact, she had been a missionary in China when he met her, actively involved in people's lives. However, Priscilla now had a serious heart condition and could not go with him. Despite her feelings, he left her. She was devastated. Even when her heart problems grew worse, he did not return. In Africa, he worked 18 hours a day with no diversions, quote, no days off, no recreation. In his zeal, he expected his co-laborers to do the same. This caused strained relationships with the other missionaries. He even dismissed his own daughter and son-in-law because they failed to meet his standards. C.T. Studd believed the cause of Christ took precedence over his family. When William Carey, the father of modern missions, decided to go to India as a missionary, his wife refused to go. She had three children and was pregnant with a fourth. He resolved to go even if he had to leave her and the children behind. Shortly after the birth of her fourth child, she gave in and accompanied him to India. What followed was a nightmare for her. It started with a five month sea voyage where she was seasick most of the time. When they arrived in Calcutta, their inadequate funds were quickly depleted, forcing his family to live in a rundown place outside of Calcutta. Even worse, the other missionaries lived in relative affluence in Calcutta. His wife complained because they had a life without many of the necessities of life, bread in particular. Dorothy was also afflicted with dysentery and their oldest son almost died from it. Later, Carey moved his wife, infant, and three sons under 10 into an untamed malarial infested region where alligators, tigers, and huge poisonous snakes were in abundance. They moved soon after to Motnabati where Dorothy again became ill. But far worse, their five-year-old son, Peter, died. After this devastating loss, Dorothy Carey's mental health declined. She never recovered, but deteriorated to such an extent that she was described as wholly deranged. William Carey believed the cause of Christ took precedence over his family. Lastly, when David Livingston undertook his missionary journeys to Africa, his wife, Mary, and their children accompanied him. His wife had been raised as a missionary kid and was accustomed to hardship. On the first journey together, their newborn daughter died from lack of water. The other child almost died. Mary suffered temporary paralysis. Livingston realized the rigors of an exploratory lifestyle were too hard on his family. Seven years into their marriage, he decided to send Mary and their four children to Scotland to live with his parents. He would remain in Africa and continue his explorations. He wrote how this act of orphanizing his children was painful to him because they would not remember him. Yet he based his decision on a strong conviction that this step will tend to the glory of Christ. While Livingston dreamed of seeing the end of the African slave trade and discovering the source of the Nile to verify biblical accuracy, his family lived close to the poverty level. It seemed likely that Livingston's wife became an alcoholic to deal with depression. She begged him to return, but he wouldn't. When Livingston finally did return to England, he was welcomed as a hero and received a gold medal from the Royal Geographic Society. He later wrote how his time in England was so busy that I could not enjoy much of the company of my children. On his next journey, Mary refused to be left behind, even though this would be a dangerous journey. She left her children, including a newborn, behind with Livingston's relatives. Three months later, after having been pushed beyond human endurance, these are quotes from their writings, by her husband, Mary Livingston died of malaria. In 17 years of marriage, they had only lived together for four years. In 17 years of marriage, they had only lived together for four years. David Livingston believed the cause of Christ took precedence over his family. That's taking nothing away from the wonderful and supernatural work that God did through these men and others like them. But I thought that that was a good introduction to this area of preoccupation. Good things that we do with our time are they causing us to neglect the responsibility and the call to love our wives to disciple our children. And as men, we can become very task oriented, ministry oriented, goal oriented, success, doing, doing, doing. And before we realize it, our children are adults. It's been decades. And we haven't even had sit down, conversations to find out how our lives are doing. Cause it's been go, go, go, go, go. So again, taking nothing away. All I wanted to do was read those facts of the matter. And those are facts that you can read in their biographies. Let's look at this idea of preoccupation. I'm too busy to talk, pray or spend time with her. What's wrong with that? Yeah. Would we say that I'm too busy to talk to anyone? Do we never talk to anyone in our entire day, or are we just so busy that no one can get a conversation from us? Well, that's not true. As Christians, are we going our entire day without praying? God forbid. So that's not true. Are we, that's even a contradiction of terms, are we spending our day not spending time doing anything? So all of these things we are doing, we are talking to people, we are praying, we are spending time, the issue is that we don't see her as valuable enough to do these things with her. We may not say that, but the proof is in the pudding if we are neglecting to communicate, to pray, to spend time Loving thought she is more important. Who says she's more important? God, right? He. The things that he says about a husband and his wife, there is no other relationship like it. We are not told to become one flesh with the brethren. Sorry, brothers, but no, that is only for our wives. We're not told to become one flesh with our children. It is only. our wives that we are given this glorious privilege of becoming one flesh. She is more important. Man leaves his father and his mother. The only commandment with a promise on her father and mother, and yet a man shall leave his father and mother to cleave, to hold fast to his wife. Wife comes before mother and father. Wife comes before son and daughter. Wife comes before employer. Wife comes before ministry. God's priority will be my priority. So we let God set this calendar. God set the schedule. God set the level of priority. Fact of the matter is, if I don't love my wife, I can't be a pastor. So that says something about the importance of a wife. Over ministry. If I don't take care of my children. I can't be a pastor. And nobody else can. A deacon cannot be a deacon unless he loves his wife and manages his house. So God's priority must be our priority. I will show her love. Somebody have another one? This is more important when it is not, or I have to do this when I don't. So our wives being more important than our employer doesn't mean we don't go to work. Doesn't mean I need to spend 24 hours around you and just cater to everything that you want. That's not what it looks like. We have to work. We have to go outside of the home. Some men have to do jobs worth. I mean, they serve in the military or firemen or policemen. They have to be away, travel, things of that sort. That's that's that's not the issue. Again, 17 years of marriage, only four years they lived together. That's a big difference from going on a business trip. The issue is not Uh, nothing ever takes me away from her presence. That's not that we don't want to go to that ridiculous extreme because in that case, you would not be providing for your family. And then you would be worse than an infidel and deny the faith. It's when we set things over our wives that are never meant to be. Only God is supposed to be, be before our wives. That's the order, right? After the Lord God Almighty, it is the woman that you married. It is the woman who has your last name. It is the woman to whom you said, I do. So I think that's important to set that distinction. There are things that are important that you do have to do. There are places that you do have to go. There are times when you do have to withdraw. There is the reality where you do have to say, I will see you when I return. I love you. Hold down the fort. I appreciate you. I know that you're doing this because you love the Lord God and with her support and her prayers and her encouragement and a hug and a kiss out the door, you go to do what is necessary to continue this gospel central atmosphere in the home. But we got to be honest with ourselves that we can put things on the list of a necessity that is not. And we really need to be examining our list of commitments. Are we overextending ourselves when it's not necessary to do so? Are there things that I'm doing that I can do with her? Are there things that I can include her in? Are there things that she can be a part of? Is this, I'm living my life, and she's living her life, and we're roommates? Or are we in this together? Again, like that fight against sin. Well, that's your issue. I'll pray for you. Well, no, we're together in this against that. Here's what our family is doing. This is the employment that God has given to our family. Here's how we are going to go forward in the kingdom. And you're in this, and children, y'all are in it. We're in this together. This is us. Any others of this preoccupation? They all kind of come from the same place. Neglecting my wife is sad. setting a time aside or saying, I'll be here at this time, or even just, I'll be home for dinner at 5.30, and then that becomes 5.45 or 6, and then it happens again the next night. And there's just kind of a dismissal of her time or her energies. It's a neglect. It's an ugly word when you look at what it really is. Right. A yard that is neglected becomes overrun with weeds, Maybe not do that to our wives, especially if these are God's daughters. I have two. You men have daughters as well and fathers become very, very excited when it comes to the way someone is treating their little girl. God is a father and he has sons and daughters. Paul Washer had some pretty strong language, being very watchful in the way that we treat the daughters of the king. God help us. So I think the final one on 115 kind of wraps up, you know, again, you have to do the assessment of yourself. I'm not going to tell you what on your schedule needs to go or what needs to be altered. but this overextending ourselves, cutting back on whatever I can to make the time that is needed to love her as I should, and thereby strengthen our marriage. I think that really sums up this entire preoccupation question. What needs to be cut back? Is there anything? Are there multiple things? Some things that need to be cut back cannot be cut back immediately. There are exit strategies out of some of these things. But discussing that with her, showing her the progress, here's where we're headed, here's where we're going. I know that things are crazy right now. This is not how things will be by God's grace. This is the plan to get out of this. This is what I desire for us. I don't want our lives to be this way. and check in. How am I doing with that? Are you seeing the progress? Are we moving this way? Time with her without the children, without distraction, just with her. Isn't that what we do with our God? We have prayer meetings and then we go in our closets alone with him. Just us. Time where we have Bible study and then time where you just get alone and read his word. Just you and him. That intimacy grows, the connection grows, the communion grows, the love grows, communication grows, all of it. Love your wives as Christ loved the church. All right, well, we can finish it up with any ideas. How can we show love to our wives? What are some ways? There are some examples here. You can read those or if you have any. I know for me, it's obvious because my wife tells me all the time what she wants from me. It's helpful. It's good. I know what she needs and what she wants. I just have to do it. Yeah. Very good. Those are pretty obvious, I think. Do you all find that? your wives have communicated, if we've been listening, that our wives have communicated what it is that they would like from us. They probably have told us subtly and maybe more explicitly. Hints. Yeah. Hints and then big flashing lights. I want time with you. Can we talk? Can you listen? Can you help? There's this thing that needs to be fixed or whatever. Yeah, like the last line, the last bullet point on that page. Spend time listening with interest to her concerns while showing compassion, giving her encouragement from God's word and helping her find a solution. All in that order. Trust me. Yeah, Louise pointed that out last time. Yeah, that's important. In that order. Yeah. Our first thing is help her find a solution. That's the last thing, isn't that interesting? Show her non-sexual affection. That's important. Confront her sin in love, pray with her about it and encourage change. Or you can go through these and your wife is gonna be different from mine. My wife loves flowers, other men's wives don't. So I'm not gonna say get her flowers because that may not work in your home, but live with her in an understanding way, study her, learn her, get to know her, even if you feel like you do. We've been married 13 years. I'm still learning her. So the point is you're, you're motivated by the glory of God to display the gospel of God because of what the son of God has done for you and to you and through you and giving you this wife that you can display the beauty of Christ in the way that you love her. So let me let me read this last part here. Does your love pass the test? The man who truly loves God will seek to love his wife with the love that God has shown for him. He will define love as God does, putting off counterfeits and putting on biblical love by changing self-focused thoughts and actions to loving ones. He can be sure to renew or increase his love. Husband, as you seek to obey God, pray that he will work his kind of love in you. Plan and carry out ways to show biblical love to your wife. And most likely she will respond with great enthusiasm. Most likely. Men, I have never heard a wife say, pastor help, please. My husband is loving me too much. Some wives may be more cautious and wait to see if you are sincere. That's a reality. We have failed as I have. We need to be open to the reality They may be cautious, but let's love them through that as well. But unless a wife is an unbeliever or very embittered, she should eventually respond. You must persevere for the glory of God. Regardless of your wife's response, you are called to be exemplary in your love. One day you will answer to God for how you have or have not loved your wife. Most important, you can show gratitude for God's love toward you by loving your wife more and more. Therefore be imitators of God as beloved children and walk in love just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us and offering a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. Brothers, let us love our wives, children, Love others, practice loving those who are around you, your siblings, your friends, your parents. Let us be known by our love. Father, thank you for loving us. We are not worthy of your love. We're undeserving of it. And yet you loved us while we were yet sinners, while we had blasphemy in our mouths and our fists raised to the heavens. You loved us. Help us to never forget. Help us, Lord, you know us. Help us to not forget the love you show to us in those tense moments when we're so tempted to put on selfish, self-centered, bitter, proud, fearful, preoccupied thoughts. Help us, Lord, to cling to your word and remember who you are, what you deserve, who we are, what we deserve, and what you have called us to do. It's in the name of your great and mighty son, Jesus the Christ, we pray, amen.