Welcome to the Hackberry House of Chosun. My name is Bob. I'm reading today from the Life and Diary of David Brainerd. I'm in Part 5, from his beginning to instruct the Indians at Konaumik to his ordination. Friday, April 1, 1743, I rode to Konaumik, near 20 miles from Stockbridge, where the Indians live, with whom I am concerned. And there I lodged on a little heap of straw. I was greatly exercised with inward trials and distresses all day, and in the evening my heart was sunk, and I seemed to have no God to go to. Oh, that God would help me. The next five days he was, for the most part, in a dejected, depressed state of mind, and sometimes extremely so. He speaks of God's waves and billows rolling over his soul, and of his being ready sometimes to say, Surely his mercy is clean gone forever and he will be favorable no more. And he says that the anguish he endured was nameless and inconceivable. But at the same time, speaks thus concerning his distresses. What God designs by all my distresses, I know not. But this I know, I deserve them all and thousands more. He gives an account of the Indians kindly receiving him. and being seriously attentive to his instructions. Thursday, April 7, appeared to myself exceeding ignorant, weak, helpless, unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me I should never do any service or have any success among the Indians. My soul was weary of my life. I longed for deaths beyond measure. When I thought of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, When will my turn come? Must it be years first? But I know these ardent desires at this and other times rose partly for want of resignation to God under all miseries. And so were but impatience. Towards night I had the exercise of faith in prayer and some assistance in writing. Oh, that God would keep me near him. Friday, April 8. was exceedingly pressed under a sense of my pride, selfishness, bitterness, and party spirit in times past while I attempted to promote the cause of God. Its vile nature and dreadful consequences appeared in such odious colors to me that my very heart was pained. I saw how poor souls stumbled over it into everlasting destruction, that I was constrained to make that prayer in the bitterness of my soul, O Lord, deliver me from blood guiltiness. I saw my desert of hell on this account. My soul was full of inward anguish and shame before God that I had spent so much time in conversation tending only to promote a party spirit. Oh, I saw I had not suitably prized mortification, self-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness, love, candor, and holiness of heart and life, and this day was almost wholly spent in such bitter and soul-afflicting reflections on my past frames and conduct. Of late I have thought much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in the world, but now I had enough to do within myself. Lord, be merciful to me, a sinner, and wash my soul. Saturday, April 9, remained much in the same state as yesterday, excepting that the sense of my vileness was not so quick and acute. Lord's Day, April 10, rose early in the morning and walked out, and spent a considerable time in the woods, in prayer and meditation, preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly, in general. Two or three in particular appeared under some religious concern, with whom I discoursed privately, and one told me her heart had cried ever since she heard me preach first. The next day he complains of much desertion. Tuesday, April 12, was great oppressed with grief and shame reflecting on my past conduct, my bitterness and party zeal. I was ashamed to think that such a wretch as I had ever preached longed to be excused from that work. And when my soul was not in anguish and keen distress, I felt senseless as a beast before God and felt a kind of guilty amusement with the least trifles, which still maintained a kind of stifled horror of conscience, so that I could not rest any more than a condemned malefactor. Wednesday, April 13, my heart was overwhelmed within me. I verily thought I was the meanest, vilest, most helpless, guilty, ignorant, benighted creature living, and yet I knew what God had done for my soul at the same time. Though sometimes I was assaulted with damping doubts and fears whether it was possible for such a wretch as I to be in a state of grace. Thursday, April 14, remained much in the same state as yesterday. Friday, April 15, in the forenoon very disconsolate, in the afternoon preached to my people and was a little encouraged in some hopes that God might bestow mercy on their souls. Felt somewhat resigned to God under all dispensations of His providence. Saturday, April 16, still in the depths of distress, in the afternoon preached to my people, but was more discouraged with them than before, feared that nothing would ever be done for them to any happy effect. I retired and poured out my soul to God for mercy, but without any sensible relief. Soon after came an Irishman and a Dutchman with the design, as they said, to hear me preach the next day, but none can tell how I felt. to hear their profane talk. Oh, I longed that some dear Christian knew my distress. I got into a kind of hovel and there groaned out my complaint to God. And Withell felt more sensible gratitude and thankfulness to God that he had made me to differ from these men as I knew through grace he had. Lord's Day, April 17. In the morning was again distressed as soon as I waked. hearing much talk about the world and the things of it, I perceived the men were in some measure afraid of me. And I discoursed something about sanctifying the Sabbath, if possible, to solemnize their minds. But when they were at a little distance, they again talked freely about secular affairs. Oh, I thought what a hell it would be to live with such men through eternity. The Lord gave me some assistance in preaching all day and some resignation. and a small degree of comfort in prayer at night. Tuesday, April 19, in the morning I enjoyed some sweet repose and rest in God, felt some strength and confidence in Him, and my soul was in some measure refreshed and comforted, spent most of the day in writing, and had some exercise of grace, sensible and comfortable. My soul seemed lifted above the deep waters, wherein it has been so long almost drowned I felt some spiritual longings and breathings of soul after God, and found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ's kingdom in my own soul. Wednesday, April 20, I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul before God for the bestowment of divine grace, especially that all my spiritual afflictions and inward distresses might be sanctified to my soul. and endeavored also to remember the goodness of God to me this past year, this day being my birthday. Having obtained help of God, I have hitherto lived and am now arrived at the age of 25, 25 years. My soul was pained to think of my barrenness and deadness, that I have lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone and there poured out my complaint to God. Oh, that God would enable me to live to His glory for the future. And may I ask, just for a second here, coming away, how many of you have spent your birthday this way? All right, back to David. Thursday, April 21, spent the forenoon in reading and prayer and found myself engaged but still much depressed in spirit under a sense of my vileness and unfitness for any public service. In the afternoon, I visited my people and prayed and conversed with some about their soul's concerns. Afterwards, found some ardor of soul in secret prayer. Oh, that I might grow up into the likeness of God. Friday, April 22, spent the day in study, reading, and prayer, and felt a little relieved of my burden that has been so heavy of late, but still was in some measure oppressed, and had a sense of barrenness. Oh, my leanness testifies against me, my very soul abhors itself, for its unlikeness to God, its inactivity and sluggishness. When I have done all, alas, what an unprofitable servant am I! My soul groans, to see the hours of the day roll away because I do not fill them in spirituality and heavenly mindedness. And yet I long they should speed their pace to hasten me to my eternal home where I may fill up all my moments through eternity for God and His glory. On Saturday, and the Lord's Day, his melancholy again prevailed. He complained of his ignorance, stupidity, and senselessness. While yet he seems to have spent the time with the utmost diligence, in study, in prayer, in instructing and counseling the Indians. On Monday he sunk into the deepest melancholy, so that he supposed he never spent a day in such distress in his life, not in fears of hell, which he says he had no pressing fear of, but a distressing sense of his own vileness. On Tuesday he expresses some relief, Wednesday he He kept as a day of fasting and prayer, but in great distress. The three next days following his melancholy continued, but in a less degree and with intervals of comfort. Lord's Day, May 1, was at Stockbridge today. In the forenoon had some relief and assistance, though not so much as usual. In the afternoon I felt poorly in body and soul. While I was preaching, I seemed to be rehearsing idle tales without the least life. fervor, sense, or comfort, and especially afterwards at the sacrament, my soul was filled with confusion and the utmost anguish that ever I endured under the feeling of my inexpressible vileness and meanness. It was a most bitter and distressing season to me by reason of the view I had of my own heart and the secret abominations that lurked there. I thought the eyes of all in the house were upon me. I dared not look at one of them in the face, for it verily seemed as if they saw the vileness of my heart, and all the sins I had ever been guilty of. And if I had been banished from the presence of all mankind, never to be seen any more, or so much as thought of, still I should have been distressed with shame, and I should have been ashamed to see the most barbarous people on earth, because I was viler, and seemingly more brutishly ignorant than they. I'm made to possess the sins of my youth. The remaining days of this week were spent, for the most part, in inward distress and gloominess. The next Sabbath he had encouragement, assistance, and comfort, but on Monday sunk down again. Tuesday, May 10, was in the same state as to my mind that I have been in for some time, extremely pressed with a sense of guilt, pollution, and blindness. The iniquity of my heels have compassed me about. The sins of my youth have been set before me. They've gone over my head as a heavy burden, too heavy for me to bear. Almost all the actions of my life past seem to be covered with sin and guilt. Those of them that I performed in the most conscientious manner now fill me with shame and confusion that I cannot hold up my face. Oh, the pride selfishness, hypocrisy, ignorance, bitterness, party zeal, and the want of love, candor, meekness, and gentleness that have attended my attempts to promote religion and virtue. And this one I have reason to hope I had real assistance from above and some sweet fellowship with heaven. But alas, what corrupt mixtures attended my best duties. Well, the next The seven days his gloom and distress continued for the most part, but he had some turns of relief and spiritual comfort. He gives an account of his spending part of this time in hard labor, to build himself a little cottage to live in amongst the Indians, in which he might be by himself. Having, it seems, hitherto lived with a poor Scotchman, as he observes in the letter just now referred to, and afterwards, before his own house was habitable, he lived in a wigwam among the Indians. Wednesday, May 18, my circumstances are such that I have no comfort of any kind but what I have in God. I live in the most lonesome wilderness. I have but one single person to converse with that can speak English. Most of the talk I hear is either Highland Scotch or Indian. I have no fellow Christians to whom I might unbosom myself. or lay open my spiritual sorrows, with whom I might take sweet counsel in conversation about heavenly things and join in social prayer, I live poorly with regard to the comforts of life. Most of my diet consists of boiled corn, hasty pudding. I lodge on a bundle of straw. My labor is hard and extremely difficult, and I have little appearance of success to comfort me. The Indians have no land to live on. But what the Dutch people lay claim to, and these threaten to drive them off, they have no regard to the souls of the poor Indians. And by what I can learn, they hate me, because I come to preach to them. But that which makes all my difficulties grievous to be born is that God hides his face from me. Thursday, May 19, spent most of this day in close studies, but was sometimes so distressed that I could think of nothing but my spiritual blindness, ignorance, pride, and misery. Oh, I have reason to make that prayer, Lord. Forgive my sins of youth and former trespasses. Friday, May 20. Was much perplexed some part of the day, but towards night had some comfortable meditations on Isaiah. Isaiah 40, verse 1. Comfort ye, comfort ye. and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Afterwards, my soul rose so far above the deep waters that I dared to rejoice in God. I saw there was sufficient matter of consolation in the blessed God. Well, the next nine days, his burdens were, for the most part, alleviated, but with variety, at sometimes having considerable consolation, others more depressed. The next day, Monday, May 30, he set out on a journey to New Jersey to consult the commissioners who employed him about the affairs of his mission. He performed his journey thither in four days, and arrived at Mr. Burr's in Newark on Thursday. In great part of his journey he was in the depths of melancholy, under distresses like those already mentioned. On Friday he rode to Elizabethtown, and on Saturday to New York. and from thence on his way homewards as far as White Plains. There he spent the Sabbath and had considerable degrees of divine consolation and assistance in public services. On Monday he rode about 60 miles to New Haven. There he attempted a reconciliation with the authority of the college, spent this week in visiting his friends in those parts, and in his journey homewards until Saturday in a pretty comfortable frame of mind. On Saturday, in his way from Stockbridge to Cownaumeek, he was lost in the woods and lay all night in the open air, but happily found his way in the morning and came to his Indians on Lord's Day, June 12th, and had greater assistance in preaching among them than ever before since his first coming among them. From this time forward, he was the subject of various frames and exercises of mind. in the general, much after the same manner as hitherto, from his first coming to Kaunamik, till he got into his own house, a little hut which he made chiefly with his own hands, by long and hard labor, which was near seven weeks from this time. Great part of this space of time he was dejected and depressed, sometimes extremely, his melancholy operating in like manner as related in times past. How it was with him in those dark seasons, He himself further describes in his diary for July 2nd in the following manner. My soul is and has for a long time been in a piteous condition, wading through a series of sorrows of various kinds. I've been so crushed down sometimes with a sense of my meanness and infinite unworthiness that I've been ashamed that any, even the meanest of my fellow creatures, should so much as spend a thought about me and have wished sometimes while traveling among the thick breaks to drop as one of them into everlasting oblivion. In this case, sometimes I've almost resolved never again to see any of my acquaintance. I really thought I could not do it and hold up my face. I've longed for the remotest region, for a retreat from all my friends that I might not be seen or heard of anymore. Sometimes the consideration of my ignorance has been a means of my great distress and anxiety. Especially my soul has been in anguish with fear, shame, and guilt that ever I had preached or had any thought that way. Sometimes my soul has been in distress on feeling some particular corruptions rise and swell like a mighty torrent with present violence. having at the same time 10,000 former sins and follies presented to view in all their blackness and aggravations. And these, while destitute of most of the conveniences of life, and I may say of all the pleasures of it, without a friend to communicate any of my sorrows to, and sometimes without any place of retirement where I may unburden my soul before God, which has greatly contributed to my distress, of late More especially, my great difficulty has been a sort of carelessness, a kind of regardless temper of mind once I have been disposed to indolence and trifling. And this temper of mind has constantly been attended with guilt and shame, so that sometimes I've been in a kind of horror to find myself so unlike the blessed God. I have thought I grew worse under all my trials. Nothing has cut and wounded my soul more than this. Oh, if I am one of God's chosen, as I trust through infinite grace I am, I find of a truth that the righteous are scarcely saved. It is apparent that one main occasion of that distressing gloominess of mine, which he was so much exercised with at Konamik, was reflection on his past errors and misguided zeal at college. in the beginning of the late religious commotions. And therefore, he repeated his endeavors this year for reconciliation with the governors of the college, whom he had at that time offended. Although he had been at New Haven in June this year and attempted a reconciliation, as mentioned already, yet in the beginning of July, he made another journey thither and renewed his attempt, but still in vain. Although he was much dejected, great part of that space of time which I'm now speaking of, yet he had many intermissions of his melancholy, and some seasons of comfort, sweet tranquility, resignation of mind, and frequent special assistance in public services, as appear in his diary. The manner of his relief from his sorrow, once in particular, is worthy to be mentioned in his own words. This is the diary for July 25. Had little or no resolution for a life of holiness, was ready almost to renounce my hopes of living to God. And oh, how dark it looked to think of being unholy forever. This I could not endure. The cry of my soul was Psalm 65, 3, iniquities prevail against me, but was in some measure relieved by a comfortable meditation on God's eternity, and that he never had a beginning, and so on. whence I was led to admire his greatness and power in such a manner that I stood still and praised the Lord for his own glories and perfections. Though I was and if I should ever be an unholy creature, my soul was comforted to apprehend an eternal, infinite, powerful, holy God. Amen. Amen. Some of you perhaps maybe you've lived 30, 40, 50 years, you can understand some of this, right? You've gone through some of these things. But this is a man 25, 25 years old, already matured to the place of understanding himself and wanting his God with all of his heart. Do we want to follow this man? I think so. The melancholy perhaps needs to be resisted and spoken against. Sometimes the enemy needs to be rebuked. That's for sure in this life. But I still think that we are to the other extreme from David Brainerd and need to follow him a little more closely than we have, even as he tried his best to follow Jesus. That's it for today. Thank you for being with me. And I pray you will look around the neighborhood here in the website that you're at and see that the things that we've put together through the years for you, God bless you, This is the Hackberry House of Chosun. Lord willing, we will talk soon. Bye-bye.