Book of Ephesians chapter 6, continuing our series through this book. You may remember in the first half of this book, Paul explains the good news about how God is redeeming and building a new society, a new humanity, a new family through the work of Christ, saving a remnant from all the nations and forming them into His own people, His own nation. And God is restoring in Christ what was lost in the fall. He's making us new creatures and so on. And in chapter 4 onward, Paul explained how that good news in Christ should change the way we live together as Christians in the world. And this new life in Christ changes the way we live in all our relationships. We saw before in chapter 5 how that specifically changes marriage. And we saw last time how that new life changes the way children relate to parents and the Lord. And now we'll look at that new life in Christ and how it shapes the way parents should relate to their children. So with that in mind, we'll read in Ephesians chapter 6, verses 1 to 4, and we'll be focusing just on verse 4 today. So hear now the word of the Lord. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you, and that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. This ends the reading of God's word now. Let's go to him in prayer. Our gracious God and Heavenly Father, we thank you for another opportunity we have to sit at your feet and to learn from you. And we pray that you would indeed minister to us this morning through your word, that you would equip us and conform us and change us more into the image of Christ, especially as parents in the way that we relate to our children. We do pray for this in Jesus' name. Amen. Let's begin studying this passage. It's important to note up front that even though this verse gives some important instructions about parenting, it does not say everything there is to say about parenting. Let's keep that limitation in mind. There are other passages of scripture to help us in parenting as well. Paul is dealing with a specific part of Christian parenting here, and that's the parent's role in providing discipline to his children, especially his attitude in that role. what you should not do and what you should do. And he doesn't even deal with the issue here of what changes when children become adults. So keep those limitations in mind as we're studying this. today. Now we're gonna look at two main points, and there's basically two main commands in this one verse, and those will be our two points. The first one is fathers do not provoke, and then the second, fathers bring them up. All right, fathers do not provoke, fathers bring them up. And my hope for you today is that this would help you better understand how the Lord wants you to discipline your children. And so with that in mind, let's look at our first point. That is that the fathers do not provoke. It says there in verse four, fathers do not provoke your children to anger. Let's look at more closely at what that says. First, he says fathers. The word here for fathers usually refers to natural or adoptive fathers. God calls fathers to be primarily responsible for the discipline of their children. Now, everything scripture says here applies to mothers as well. Mothers are not free to provoke their children to anger. Now, you parent as a team with the father. In fact, when the word father here is used in the plural, like it is here, it sometimes means parents in general, including mothers. I see an example of that in Hebrews 11, 23. There it says, by faith, Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents. The word parents there in the Greek is fathers. Now, scholars disagree whether Paul is specifying fathers or just including mothers here as well, but the parenting principles are the same, no matter what side you end up on there. So with that aside, the primary responsibility before God for the care of the household is placed upon fathers. It's fathers who set the agenda for their household, whether they want to or not. And fathers must take the lead, as Joshua did when he said in Joshua 24, 15, but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. He chose to follow the Lord even when he knew that most of Israel would compromise with the culture. God spoke about Abraham the same way. In Genesis 18-19, God says about him, For I have chosen him that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord. And God expected Abraham to raise his children in the ways of the Lord. And we as Abraham's true children, as those who follow Christ, are called to do the same here. And what then are fathers called to avoid when it comes to discipline? Well, he says here again, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. Other translations say, do not exasperate your children. The parallel passage in Colossians 3.21 says, fathers, do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged. And so the idea here is that a father, as a father, it's possible to push your children into a position of a settled or deep-seated anger. a discouragement or bitterness or resentment by the way that you discipline your children. You provoke them into developing attitudes of hatred or you discourage them so much that they lose any motivation to try and please you or to better themselves. And here, some context is helpful. In the Roman world, fathers ruled their houses like tyrants. They had the legal right to treat their family however they wanted. And so, it was not uncommon for fathers to be neglectful or abusive to their children. Fathers had no restraint in the way they governed their homes. But in Christ, that changed. And part of your new life in Christ is learning to be a father the way God designed and commanded. Grace changes the way you relate to your children. And so in this commandment, God put a restraint upon fathers, something unusual in the Roman world. And it calls fathers to realize that they are accountable to God for how they raise their children. And that if they do not restrain themselves, they can leave their children with lifelong scars. And so a father is under authority, the authority of God. And as a father, he is called to resemble the gracious character of our Heavenly Father in the way that he relates to his children. And so, what ways do fathers provoke children to anger? Well, one scholar said it this way. He says, fathers are not to excite the bad passions of their children by severity, injustice, partiality, or unreasonable exercise of authority. Let me say that one again. It says, fathers are not to excite the bad passions of their children by severity, injustice, partiality, or unreasonable exercise of authority. Another pastor says it this way. This is a longer quote. He said, parents are not to irritate their children by unreasonable severity. This would excite hatred and would lead them to throw off the yoke altogether. Kind and liberal treatment has rather a tendency to cherish reverence for their parents and to increase the cheerfulness and activity of their obedience." And so you get an idea here of what Paul is getting at. And these point out significant ways that you can provoke your children to anger. You can provoke by being indifferent or neglectful of your children or if you show favoritism toward one or the other. If you are too severe in your discipline or have expectations that are not appropriate to a child's age or maturity. or if your punishments do not fit the crime, or if you punish in unrestrained rage rather than in careful love. These are ways you can provoke. If you do not distinguish between clumsiness and defiance, or if you impute motives to your child which aren't there, you can provoke your children to anger. If you humiliate your children, or use cutting sarcasm or ridicule, or use manipulation with your words, saying things like, you always do this, or you never get this right, or why do I even try? And so on. These will provoke your children to anger and discouragement. It leaves them without any hope of pleasing you or of improving themselves. You can provoke them by your own attitudes and example. You may have your own issues of settled anger or bitterness that need to be dealt with. If you're always pessimistic, always assuming the worst of people, assuming the worst of even God, that attitude will infect your children. Your attitudes are the atmosphere which they breathe in. An atmosphere without the fresh air of gospel love and hope and confidence will provoke your children. You can also provoke your children by your hypocrisy. You can have a double standard, a stricter rule of conduct for your children than for yourself. Perhaps you try to teach your children that they shouldn't swear, but do you? And when you do it, do you blame someone else or make excuses? Like something like, if you hadn't done this, then I wouldn't have done that. Do your children, try to teach your children not to steal, but then make exceptions for yourself. And these are examples of hypocrisy. Hypocrisy will provoke your children to anger. Or you can provoke your children by comparing them to yourself, imposing a self-righteous standard upon them, and even romanticizing your own childhood. But in fact, you have probably just forgotten how long it took for you to learn the lessons you've learned. You cannot expect your children to learn the same way you did. They are not you. They did not have your parents. They did not grow up in the same circumstances. And so hypocrisy and self-righteousness can provoke your children to anger, along with all these other examples I've given. I'm sure you could probably think of others from your own experience. If you raise a child under the constant weight of these methods and attitudes, then you will provoke them to anger and despair, and likely lead them to reject the God that you claim to serve. And so, this is what we should not do in discipline. Now, what should fathers do instead? Well, that brings us then to our next point. He says, fathers, bring them up. Look again at verse 4. It says, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. So let's look at each of these words now. First, he says, bring them up. It's one word in Greek. It means to nourish them, to feed them. It's the same word Paul used to describe a husband's care for his wife as his own body, or Christ's care for the church. Back in Ephesians 5, 29, he says, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes, that's the word, nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ does the church. That's the attitude fathers must have toward their children. An attitude of gentleness and patience, treating your children as part of yourself, even when you must be firm and disciplined. And Paul used the same kind of parental picture to describe his care for the church in Thessalonica. We read that earlier. He says there in 1 Thessalonians 2, 7. He says, but we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our own selves, because you had become very dear to us. He describes another parental picture in verse 11 there. He says, For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you, and encouraged you, and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory. Now that's the attitude Paul has in mind here, when he called fathers to bring up their children. He's describing an attitude of careful nurture and nourishment. And then you use two words to describe the way you nourish your children. The first word is discipline. So let's bring them up in discipline. The word for discipline here describes instruction, correction, or training. It's the same word used in 2 Timothy 3.16, where he says, all scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness. There's the word, training in righteousness. It's an ongoing process of education, and often a repetitive process. You might think of it like a blacksmith taking hold of a young apprentice's hands and working him through the motions of hammering out the metal over and over again until the apprentice can finally do it correctly on his own. That's the idea of discipline here, a constant redirection and training and practicing and even appropriate punishment until the skills are mastered. And the next word he uses here is instruction. Bring them up in discipline and instruction. The word for instruction here means to admonish, to warn, to teach. Your children are born ignorant of the ways of the Lord. And even ignorant of their own abilities. They have to be taught. And even when you think you have taught them, you will likely have to teach them again. It's not enough to say something once. Usually you have to instruct and teach over and over again. And as your children grow older, you will have to teach them the same lessons again, but with greater depth and detail and with new applications that didn't apply before. So, for example, you may teach your five-year-old the seventh commandment, do not commit adultery. There's a lot in that command which is not relevant to his five-year-old experience. But when he is 15, you shall not commit adultery becomes much more relevant and applicable in many new ways. And so, children need instruction. They need to be taught. Don't be surprised when your children are ignorant. That's part of what makes them children. They need to be taught. And the effects of the fall and sin upon our natures and our minds adds even more need for continued instruction and reminders before it finally sinks in. If you want a good pattern, look at the book of Deuteronomy. Notice how often Moses says to Israel, remember, don't forget, remember, don't forget, over and over throughout that book, he says that. Finally, Paul added the source of all this training. He says, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. All of this discipline and instruction should come from the Lord Himself. You teach the commandments and promises Jesus gave. You follow the ways of child raising Jesus gave. As parents, your children belong to God. You are acting as servants of God, raising your children to know and serve Him, not yourself. And why? Well, because He is the Lord and King of the universe. He is the Creator and Redeemer of mankind. Your children were made in His image and have His promises given to them. He's promised to be a God to you and to your children. And so our goal in parenting is to rely upon God's instructions and upon His grace with the hope that our children will know God for themselves. One scholar summarized it this way, he says, the goal of parenting for our children is knowledge, self-control, and obedience. We want them to know and obey Jesus, and to do it on their own, without needing us to look over their shoulder. So that's the goal of our parenting. Now, with that said, we can never look at this verse as some mechanical formula to ensure that our children become Christians. And here, Paul explained a parent's duty. Now, how your children respond to that is another matter. Your children are responsible for their own decisions before God and how they respond to the instruction you provided. And that, too, should be part of your instruction, setting before your children the reality that they live before a holy God and an all-sufficient Savior of sinners. They need to know how they should live before God, but they also need to know that they can only live that way through the person and work of Christ, who forgave their sins and gives them grace to change and grow and heal from the damage of sin. This is the discipline of the Lord, the Lord who loved you and gave himself for you. That love for the Lord should be the ultimate motive for your parenting. That's where Moses began with his instructions for parents. We read it earlier. He said in Deuteronomy 6, verse 5, he says, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. And then he goes on. You shall teach them diligently to your children. It's not just the commands that we must teach diligently, but love for the Lord. We serve a God who is full of love and compassion for His people and has demonstrated that love by giving us His Son. That gospel hope needs to shape your attitudes in parenting. We're not just trying to conform children to certain rules or to keep them from certain sins. You're trying to help them to know a glorious Savior who will love them and guide them far more than you ever could. And too often, our parenting is driven by fear. Fear of the world, fear of failure, fear of harm. And that does have a place, but we can't be careless about the dangers in the world. But we can never forget the most important thing they need to learn is how to delight in and to love the Lord. Rules will not save your children. Rules may teach, and train, and warn, and can prevent many evils, but they do not change the heart, and they cannot prevent your children from getting hurt in ways that you can't predict. We live in a fallen world, and Jesus warned us that troubles and trials will come. Failures will come. But if they have Christ, then He will bring them through all these things, and work them out for their good. And that is an attitude that you can only teach your children through your own example. You cannot raise your children to love the Lord unless you love the Lord. You cannot teach them to stand in awe and wonder at the Lord unless you stand in awe and wonder. And if you wanted to see or want to see your children excited about the Lord, then you must be genuinely excited about the Lord and what He has done for you. That's something you can't fake. Our love for the Lord should provoke our children to ask the reason for our hope. And not just the world, but our children as well. And so, this discipline and instruction of the Lord is not just about teaching good morals, but teaching them about a good Savior. We don't just try to say, this is right and wrong. Instead, we try to say, look at how great and glorious and gracious God is. And why would we want to live any other way than His? Now, that doesn't mean you give your kids a full gospel sermon every time they need correction. But this is the atmosphere within which you should instruct your children. They should learn to obey in response to God's grace, not to earn God's grace. And that means sometimes you just need to talk about how good God is outside of any context of discipline. That's why regular family worship and faithful attendance in public worship is so important. That's why edifying conversations are so important. Your children should not only hear about God when they are in trouble, they need to hear about his grace and glory regularly. So that when you do have to discipline them, it's within the context of a gracious God who loves and forgives and heals even as he corrects. that we do not want our children to grow up to be Pharisees, but disciples of Christ. And if it feels awkward to talk about the glory and grace of Jesus with your children, or if you feel like a hypocrite talking about the joy of the Lord with your children, then perhaps you have your own inner Pharisee that needs to be killed by the gospel of grace. So we've seen both commands here today. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. So I hope this helps you to better understand how the Lord wants you to discipline your children, the attitudes at least that you must have in that. Let me close with just a few brief applications to think through. First of all is just to remember the importance of Christian liberty in parenting. And I mentioned this a little bit last time, but every family is different. God gave us clear commands and principles, but he also gave us liberty to apply those commands in our own situation. And each parent has different strengths and weaknesses. Each child is different as well. And God has given flexibility to parents to adjust their households, to accommodate those differences. And you need to respect that liberty which God gave to each of you. It's very tempting to read a parenting book or to compare others to yourself and think, well, everyone should do it this way, or this method will work on every child. That's falling into legalism. It may have worked well for that author or for you, but it may not work well for others. Now, there are clear rights and wrongs in parenting, as Paul said here, and if someone confronts you about a clear sin, even if it's your child, then you must repent. But there is a lot left to parental wisdom as well, where what is wise for one family or one child may not work for another. And so, remember the importance of Christian liberty in parenting. Next, just remember the example of God as our Father. Remember the example of God as a Father. Think about how He parents us as His children. He disciplines and instructs us in many ways. He gives us stern warnings and clear commands. But He also gives us gracious promises and assurances of His love. He is more patient and gentle with us than we ever deserve. And His discipline towards us comes from His love. It always comes with hope. He never gives up on his children. Now, there are some things God can do that we can't do as parents. We can't change hearts like God can. But we can warn and encourage with love. We can discipline our children in such a way that it does not leave our child hopeless. We can be patient and encouraging as they continue to press on at their own pace. But just remember the example of God as our father and his attitudes and hopes toward us as his children, even when he disciplines us. And hopefully that'll help to shape your own attitudes as well. And finally, parenting should be done on your knees. It should be done on your knees. You need to pray as you parent. You depend upon God's grace to work through your parenting. You may impart instruction and wisdom, but you cannot impart a new heart. Only God can do that. And as you parent on your knees, it should remind you that you are not alone. You are doing this with and through Christ, through the strength and the wisdom that He provides, and trusting that His purposes will be done no matter what. And you need to parent on your knees because you will fail many times as a parent. This is one of my own criticisms of so many Christian parenting books or seminars. They're packed full of principles and rules and many of them may be true, but they're incomplete. They don't tell you what you do if you've messed up in your parenting for years. They leave you hopeless. So if you've failed in your parenting, what should you do? Well, first you go to Jesus and confess these things and learn from Him what you should be doing instead. And then you go to your children and confess to them what you have been doing wrong and how you were learning to make it right and seek their forgiveness. One of the important lessons you will teach your children is how to repent and turn back to the Lord. And as you do that, we have assurance from the Lord that He is with you in the valley, even if that valley was your own making. And He will somehow overrule those things for your good and His glory. That is the hope we have in Christ, who died and rose again. God is able to bring new life out of the ashes of our sins in ways that we cannot fathom. And so, parenting should be done on your knees. And so, may the Lord help us to take these things to heart and to let that new life in Christ change the way that we relate to our children and enable us to better impart these precious truths to our children as well. Let's go to the Lord now in prayer. Our gracious God and Heavenly Father, we do thank you for this instruction that you have provided to us in your word, and also the hope that you give to us through Christ. And we pray that as we meditate upon these things and reflect upon them, especially those of us who are still parenting children, that you would grant us great wisdom and guidance to know how to implement your ways in the lives of our households and our children. You would help us to parent with the love of the Lord as our great motivation and with a desire for our children to not give up hope, but to continue growing and maturing, knowing that the Lord is there to help them as they trust him. And we just pray for all of these things now. In Jesus' name, amen. Yeah.