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USER COMMENTS BY “ CALVINIST SATIRE ”
RECENTLY-COMMENTED SERMONS | MoreLast PostTotal
Sermon Ordination of Rev. Milos Solc | Rev. Ian Goligher
B. McCausland
"Encouraging solid message"
-12 min 
Sermon God's Covenant Revealed at Sinai | Rev. Joshua Engelsma
Aldo
-3 hrs 
Sermon Anchor of the Soul | Ben Miller
marklukejohn from New York
-3 hrs 
· Page 1 ·  Found: 69 user comments posted recently.
News Item11/15/18 1:23 AM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Breaking News: Pope Francis warns about false doctrine

While speaking Ex Cathedra* the “Vicar of Christ” Pope Francis warns Catholics against believing false doctrine. “We must guard ourselves against false doctrine and be eager to listen to the traditions handed down to us by the apostles, saints, and popes of old”

When asked what false doctrine there was, Pope Francis, the successor of Peter, said, “Well...any teaching that hurts the feelings of a person, we are not to judge people, we are just to have love towards each other.”

After saying this, he left to attend Mass.

*Editors Note, Catholic Answers Live informed us that the Pope was not speaking Ex Cathedra, rather that the Pope thought he was speaking Ex Cathedra but thankfully Trent Horn, along with thousands of catholic priests, corrected him.


News Item5/17/18 1:36 AM
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Obituary: Bishop dies by not treating Shingles

Last week, Bishop Arthur of St. Andrews Presbyterian Church died by refusing to get a shot for shingles. Bishop Arthur experienced 3 years in agonizing pain, but he said, "I refuse to make modern medicine my idol, some put their trust in shots, others in pills, but I shall trust in the Lord."

His son, Ulysses Grant, said, "I'm pretty sure this was a really bad idea, have you ever had shingles before? It is a nightmare and it hurts really bad...and he also didn't take his diabetes pills as well, I'm not sure how he lasted this long, but I tell you what, he was spiritually healthy."

Ulysses said that his father's last words were, "I have a bad feeling about this."

At publishing time, we discovered that many Christians around the world were saved by shots, medicine, etc. and that medical missionaries had been sent throughout the whole globe, ministering to the needy.


News Item5/15/18 11:36 AM
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Religion- Anglican Bishops say that liars should be in church leadership.

Yes folks, once again the modern day Anglican denomination made a progressive move by encouraging constant liars to take the roll of leadership. They asked if Erugan Canner if he would join the leadership, but he declined.

They also said that, "Fornicators, adulterers, homosexuals, liars, thieves and Gnostics should be in charge of various rolls such as pastors, Single's class, Marriage class, taking the offering, and Evangelism classes.

At publishing time, they also made a motion to baptize people in a slip and slide pool. ⛪️🌈🏞🌊


News Item4/26/18 11:05 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Has it ever occurred to you that Richard Dawkins mocks Creationists who invented/ discovered things that no atheists ever came up with? 🤔

News Item4/26/18 11:01 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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How about a Book of Mormon ban, a Koran ban, a New World Translation ban, and a Latin Vulgate ban?

News Item4/26/18 10:59 PM
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Science: Practicing beastiality is not an illness.

CNN hired an independent poll company (who wished to stay anonymous) found that 100% of the people who practice beastiality said it was not an illness.

This groundbreaking discovery has lead contemporary phycologists to reconsider their views on the issue, leading phycologist Paul Nelson said, "We have always thought that this was some deeply disturbing and perverted psychological/neurological disorder that drove these people to do this, but perhaps there's more than meets the eye."

Lisa Wood, who engages in polygamous beastiality, said, "This is just my lifestyle, I didn't chose to be like this, it's just who I am, and I should be accepted for who I am.

At publishing time, John Shelby Spong said on Twitter that the lifestyle should be accepted, and the pope, allegedly, like the tweet.


News Item4/21/18 2:07 AM
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Just make sure you don't fall into that William Lane Craig molonism notion, trying to understand that is like trying to understand why the earth is flat. 🐢

News Item4/21/18 2:02 AM
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Religion: Churches make drastic pledge in the name of Christian Liberty

Churches in just about all denominations in every single country have made a pledge to tolerate Christian Liberty by not calling anyone a heretic, this idea was prompted by a megachurch, allegedly it started with a layman who said,

"You know, there's a lot of folk who claim to be Christians, and they teach some wild and zany things, even denying the saving work of Jesus, but I guess it's their opinion." The pastor, who was sitting on his barstool like chair said, "That's a great idea, but we have to give it a holier sounding name...I've got it, it's their Christian Liberty!"

And with that the congregation readily accepted it, and the idea has been growing ablaze. Constable Fishbottom said, "What a simply splentastic idea, now I won't have to deal with those blasted Unitarians."

There has been at least 5 revivals already who have walked the aisle and confessed Jesus to be whoever they want him to be. Marcion delivered a sermon entitled, "Why I removed like half of the gospel of Matthew."

At publishing time, Pope Francis tweeted, "May the holy mother of God pour out her blessings on this ecumenical newfangled gospel."


News Item4/18/18 11:32 AM
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Religion: John Y stumbles upon the Book of Romans

After studying the Baptist Confession of Faith, John Y was perplexed when it cited the Book of Romans. "Hmm, I wonder what they are talking about " said John Y. Curiously wondering what this ancient book was, he went looking for his Bible to see if there was a book of Romans in there.

He found his bible, and quickly looked at the table of contents, and found the page number, and proceeded to find such a book. He was in sore confusion when he found out that the Book of Romans didn't say anything about the Roman soldiers, but rather it was filled with sound theological discourse on every page.

"Whoa, this is more serious than I thought...for all have sinned? For the wages of sin is death...What!? How can Christ's work possibly justify me without Mass, Baptist doctrine, my pastor, and the deacons?"

At publishing time, John Y accidentally stumbled upon the book of Galatians.


News Item4/17/18 10:25 AM
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News Item4/16/18 2:41 AM
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Church: John MacArthur puts in "Strange Fire" alarms.

In what some are calling excessive, John MacArthur has made extra precautions to keep out charismatic worship by installing "Strange Fire" alarms all throughout Grace Community Church.

"The Charismatic Movement and theology is a dangerous thing" said Pastor MacArthur, "the elders here want to protect the sheep in every way possible."

Pastor MacArthur said that they would be placed right above the pews, in the fellowship halls, and entrance.

"I really don't know how we're going to finance this" said Ulysees Thomas, "I mean, and to be honest, I'm not sure if these are necessary or if they even work."

At publishing time, Pastor MacArthur announced that he is considering building a wall to keep the charismatics out.


News Item4/14/18 12:44 AM
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"Once I got in biking accident and felt like I was dragged to hell and back. No one was interested in hearing my story so I let it go."

Perhaps you can alter it and say that you were "dragged into purgatory" the pope will probably approve of it. ⛪️


News Item4/13/18 8:25 PM
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Have you ever noticed that you don't really hear about a person who goes to Hell and comes back? 🤔

News Item4/7/18 11:31 AM
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Calvinist Satire's official opinion is that most millennials would've called George Washington a hateful bigot, a homophobic scoundrel, a transgenderphobic freak, a terrorist who killed people on Christmas Day, and a monster who wants people to have the right to carry weapons.

But who are we to judge?


News Item4/6/18 12:43 AM
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Politics: "Why are people still allowed to think"?

In a speech by Hillary Clinton, she concluded by saying, "Why are Americans still allowed to think?" The remark was then followed by standing applause; Bernie Sanders said, "She really hit the nail on the head with that one, we need to ensure that the people are in line with what the government says."

Even google posted on FaceBook, "We applaud Hillary Clinton for her valuable insight. She is protecting the people from false and dangerous thoughts, beliefs and opinions...And will agree with what we say."

At publishing time, Hillary Clinton said that she will be running for president, and her slogan will be, "War is peace. Ignorance is Strength. Slavery is Freedom."


News Item4/4/18 11:46 PM
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Politics: White missionary gets beheaded by savage tribe, he said he wouldn't denounce white supremacy and white privileges.

In what is being called 'A national sorrow' James McGregor, a missionary to a savage tribe in South America, was beheaded for not renouncing his belief in white supremacy and white privileges. His wife Michelle said, "I'll deeply miss him, he gave all he could, even his very life." John MacArthur, pastor at Grace Community Church will be in charge of the funeral.

At publishing time, we were informed that the missionary actually said, "I will not denounce Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God"


News Item4/4/18 11:24 AM
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Science: 32 old man self identifies as a 67 year old senior.

In Phenox Arizona, Richard Boice made headlines when he self identified as a 67 year old senior. "It's who I feel like" said Richard, "I feel like this is me, I get insurance from the government, I get discounts at Red Robin, and if I put on a veteran's hat, everyone thinks I'm a war hero"

Many states are wondering if they should affirm such an act, and Richard Boice has been a hero and a leader to many more who want to be who they feel like they should be.

At publishing time, an illegal immigrant self identified as a legal and loyal citizen.


News Item3/29/18 2:40 AM
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I wonder if Owl should prescribe Tigger some Xanax 🤔

News Item3/29/18 2:38 AM
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Science: TMNT invited to Ted Talks.

Due to recent scientific discoveries, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) have been invited to a Ted Talk that will be hosted by Bill Nye.

"Aww man, is there going to be any pizza there?" Asked Michelangelo, "Quit your complaining and start packing" said Donatello, "I've got to get my laptop to decode the Krang's algorithm, I'll have to take it with us."

Leonardo interrupted and said, "Donnie, what does this Bill Nye fellow has to do with the Krang? Is he a scientist that can help you decode the Krang's algorithm? Does he have vital information?"

"Not really, he pretended to be a scientist on a TV show, but he invited us to go, and perhaps he can help us."

"Donnie" said Raphael, "This Nye guy seems like a loser, I'm not going to this guy, plus why do you think a Ninja would want to be known in public? Do you want the Shredder to kill you?"

At publishing time, the TMNT fought the Krang in an epic battle to try to save New York City.


News Item3/28/18 3:10 PM
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Politics: Adolf Hitler says, "We need an Arian Disney Princess who supports killing Jews."

While giving a speech about Arian supremacy, Adolf Hitler made a statement that is causing some controversy within Germany and America.

He said, "These races will ruin and destroy our superior race if we don't have leaders in every department and industry of our cilization! We need an Arian Disney Princess who helps rid off the useless eaters with our beautiful land!"

At publishing time, Walt Disney drew a political cartoon, depicting him as a professor teaching ladies how to properly kill a Jew.

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