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USER COMMENTS BY “ CALVINIST SATIRE ”
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RECENTLY-COMMENTED SERMONS | MoreLast PostTotal
Sermon High Theology Produces High Doxology | Dr. Steven J. Lawson
Lynette Bleisteiner from Greensboro, North Carolina
"Apt as always"
-15 hrs 
Sermon The Accessibility Of Salvation | Jeff Arthur
Philippus Schutte from Australia
-16 hrs 
Sermon The Supremacy of Christ | Dr. Hensworth Jonas
Yolanda from AZ
-20 hrs 
· Page 1 ·  Found: 30 user comments posted recently.
News Item10/7/17 1:53 AM
Calvinist Satire | Germany  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Religion: R.C. Sproul declares trip to Germany as a "Christian Mecca"

Anyone who's ever heard of R.C. Sproul knows his love for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Reformed theology, and Martin Luther, however Dr. Sproul, in a recent broadcast of, "Renewing your Mind" said that, "A trip to Wittenberg Germany (or Wartburg Castle) is one of the key roles for sanctification, it is the Reformed person's Mecca, you can't help but to see the places of which Luther himself went to."

However many Arminians (namely those who are fans of the late Jack Chick) suspect this is a Jesuitical scheme. Blake Owen, a local Arminian, said, "Martin Luther was a Jesuit, this reformation thing was a pro-Lucifarian plot to try to sweep all mankind towards the anti-christ, is it a coincidence that Hallow's Eve and Reformation Day is on the same day??? I think not!!!"

Another Arminian said, "John Calvin was a murderous scoundrel, his tyrannical kingdom was worse than Stalin, how do I know? Dave Hunt wrote about it...and Martin Luther did not use the Recieved Text, Tyndale had a higher view of scripture than Martin Luther."

At publishing time, R.C. Sproul was selling "Reformation Candy" on ligonier.org and planned to dress as Martin Luther for Reformation Day.


News Item10/3/17 1:02 AM
Calvinist Satire | Politically Incorrect  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Education: U.K. schools maintain consistent political correctness by removing evolutionism from textbooks to avoid offending Christians.

Many Christians in the U.K. have voiced their concern about the lies that are being taught concerning evolutionism, it has been insulting their intelligence and the faith to which they maintain, namely one of the doctrines that God created the universe about 6,000 years ago.

Because of this, the U.K. schools have now removed evolutionism from the textbooks. "We really want our schools to be sensitive to the faith of others" said Superintendent Henry Winston, "And that's why we removed evolutionism from the textbooks, and replaced it with real, observable science."

One Presbyterian student, Johnathan Reynolds, said, "It's about time they throw that rubbish in the garbage, finally we're being taught real science and actually learn truth."

At publishing time Ken Ham was rejoicing about the decision, and decided to write a new book called, "Already Seeing Results" and Kent Hovind offered to debate the whole entire school board.


News Item9/26/17 6:16 PM
Calvinist Satire | The Vatican  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Looks like John Y has more free will than God does apparently God is not free to exercise his almighty power

John you obviously are ignorant of Calvinism 101, it's an epidemic that's spreading across a lot of denominations and you're showing the symptoms of it the first symptom is misrepresenting Calvinism of which you are doing.

But just for you, Calvinist Satire have a remedy for this:

To stop the illness you have, consume 2 "Radio Free Geneva" by Dr.James White each day, for about two weeks, stop buying Chick tracts, and replace it with Chick Fil A and sound tracts from Living waters.

stop relying on man for assurance of your salvation, and read Daniel chapter 4 at least once a day to realize that God exercised His free will on Nebuchadnezzar.

If problems are still present or worsen, read in exodus "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy" and concerning Pharaoh that "I have raised you up that I might show my power" you might even need to listen to R.C. Sproul, and Paul Washer.

(Disclaimer) If you become a Calvinist we do not provide cages for the"Cage Stage" symptoms, you can order cages from gty.com or Wretched Radio.


News Item9/25/17 10:08 PM
Calvinist Satire | The Vatican  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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(Cont) conservative Catholic and priest, Ryle Bates, who is a Chaplin for a St. Peter's Hospital added his concern as well, "Yes, I teach that we need the grace of Christ, but His grace isn't sufficient, I guess I should spill the beans, we teach things that aren't even in the Bible, we kinda made it up as we go along."

At publishing time, Martin Luther took to Facebook and said, "You conservative Catholics are the priests of Nimrod, and the children of Belzebub, and the liberal Catholics have dung for brains."

At publishing time John Calvin also responded to the Conservative Catholics, he took to Twitter and said, "You better check yourself before you wreck yourself."


News Item9/25/17 9:53 PM
Calvinist Satire | The Vatican  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Scandal: Conservative Catholics caught preaching damnable heresy.

In a scandal that is no doubt going to be "Choice News" Conservative Catholics were found teaching heresy before, during and after the Mass, " It's just devastating that this caught wind" said local cardinal, Patrick McGregor, "all us conservative Catholics protest against homosexuality, abortion, etc. but the church never suspected that we actually teach things that are anti christ"

A conservative Catolic


News Item9/25/17 9:46 PM
Calvinist Satire | BYU  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Breaking News: 67 year old alumni Mormon visits BYU, consumes 3 gallon of Coca cola.

Local Mormon, Elder (Bill) Tanner, visited Brigham Young University, to see how his old college was doing, and he saw 21 year old college student, Dan Smith, consuming a glass of coke,

At first Bill Tanner whacked the young whippersnapper for drinking a caffeinated beverage, Dan said, "Oww! What was that for elder Tanner!?"
"For breaking college rule and Mormon "law"" was his reply.

Upon further discussion, Elder Tanner was informed that the "law" no longer applied, not soon after, Elder Smith began drinking massive amounts of Coke. When asked why, Elder Tanner said, "They depraved us of this stuff, and now I'm getting what I deserve, soda!!!"

He went on to say, "I will definitely be drinking this, I plan to go to the Messa Pageant in Arizona, and I'm going to need refreshments, I also plan to redo my Mission, it's a long way from Hawaii and I'll need some Coke to quench my thirst."

At publishing time, Elder Tanner bought two packs of Coca Cola for the 45min drive to his house.


News Item9/23/17 5:59 PM
Calvinist Satire | heaven  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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@Watcher, if you're still on earth, then you've been left behind, make sure you read the, "Left Behind" books to know how to navigate the waters of the tribulation, remember, locusts are coming so get some some anti hell possessed locusts spray.

Good luck and one more thing, make sure the water isn't poisoned by the wormwood stuff and move to somewhere where there's no animals that can get wild and trample you. (My advice, underground bunker with an. A K 47, a .22 calibre, that should be good.

If you survive this thing you'll be like the Chuck Norris of "Left behind" have a blessed day.


News Item9/23/17 1:46 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Recent development: While Justin Welby has come under criticism for his recent very disturbing and anti biblical statement concerning transgenderism being 'no problem', he has now stated, "Polygamy at college is no problem"

Yes, you read that correctly, he asserts that, "Polygamy should be allowed, who are we to be bigots and polygomyphobic, just as I don't think it's right to be transphobic, I think we also should not be polygamyphobic"

When asked further concerning his rather progressive statement, he said, "I just think we shouldn't limit the rights of people, colleges should recognize polygamist marriages just as they would gay marriages and traditional marriages."

At publishing time, Matthew Vines started a new book in support of Justin Welby, titled, "God and the polygamist Christian."


News Item9/21/17 7:17 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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(Cont) you call them intolerant

News Item9/21/17 7:16 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Are you progressive enough to accept this news? Some people call themselves progressive, but fall short of the honorary title. Take a test to see if you have what it takes to be Progressive:

1. Do you think Trump should be impeached and have Hillary Clinton take his place?

2. Do you think we should segregate white people?

3. You're working at McDonald's, how much do you think you should get paid per hour:
A. 7.50
B. 8.25
C. 15 dollars an hour?

4. It's Christmas season and you hear the song, "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby, what are your thoughts:
A. This guy is a good singer.
B. This song is a Classic, can't get enough of it.
C. "White Christmas"? This is a white supremacist song, why can't it be "African American Christmas"???

5. Your neighbor owns a gun, what should you do:
A. Respect his decision to own a gun.
B. Buy a gun as well.
C. Call the police and tell them that your neighbor is a gun carrying villain.

Correct Answers:

1. Yes
2. Yes.
3. $15 an hour
4. It is a white supremacist song
5. Call the police.

There you have it, if you got 1 answer wrong, then you're an intolerant monster, if you answered all the questions correctly, then congratulations, you're a champion of human freedom, if anyone disagrees with you, make sure y


News Item9/20/17 12:06 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Breaking News: Feds award over half a million dollars to build safe zones for introverts.

In a progressive move by American society, the Feds have found it necessary to build "safe zones" for introverts. I interviewed Adam Booth, who approved of this outlandish move, "We are trying to reach out to our fellow American introverts by making the world a safer place, and there's only so much attention an introvert can get until he/she cowards in fear."

Local analyst George McDougal said, "We've seen an increase in introverts as the population rises, many of these introverts like to stay home, and occupying their time by listening to some complex lecture, listening to classical music, and reading various books. However I think it's healthier if they at least go outside."

At publishing time, no introverts were found at the "safe zone" for introverts.


News Item9/20/17 11:29 AM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Another Michael, thank you for the compliment and the question, let's face it, satire can be good, a Elijah used satire, "Maybe your god has taken a long journey, or is using the restroom" =) and Jesus used satire, Luther used satire, (I have yet to outdo his satire or insults)

Satire is not always suitable, but atheists are just sue happy, they would've sued every founding father, and Capitol hill, they would've sued schoolhouse rock for not including Asians, and I think there was only 1 black kid in frosty the snowman, (very racist obviously) and do you remember seeing a black or Asian person in Grandma got ran over by a reindeer? No, obviously the show is a white supremacist show.

Ray Comfort had a book that had dozens of lawsuits by atheists against Christmas scenes, God in school, etc. And sometimes you have to smite the scorner so the simple will be wise (and I'm just applying this to my life...that's proper exegesis right? It has to be.)

To wrap it all up, I don't always do satire, but when I do, I make sure it's it's Calvinist Satire. Stay reformed my friends.


News Item9/20/17 12:30 AM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Threat Alert: Atheist threatens to sue every public school if Allah or Muhammad is mentioned.

In a surprising unraveling of events, atheists are at it again, this time they hope to see the death of religious freedom in regards to Islam. "Islam and all the other religions are totally unnecessary" said local freethinker, John Dolan, he went on to say, "Look, we get that you all believe in mystical fairies that supposedly is watching us, if you want to believe in a bloodthirsty deity, such as Allah, have at it but don't force it on the kids"

When asked why it was wrong to impose a "bloodthirsty deity, such as Allah" on kids, Josh said, "It slows down evolutionary processes, we need to free ourselves from the shackles of religion, it's the human thing to do."

This he said while he was exercising his freedom of speech, that was given to him by God, and the first amendment which was written by people who believed in God.

At publishing time, some atheists threatened to sue schools if they continue to eat at Chick-Fil-A.


News Item9/19/17 7:34 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Scandal: Evolutionary theory is evolving. Evolution has done it again, this time it's different tho, evolution is randomly taking place, this time it's the theory that's evolving by random chance. Evolutionists has tried desperately to prove macro evolution, and it looks like they've found it in progress.

"It's outstanding that we can actually see evolution taking place, said Richard Dawkins, "I've never seen anything like it." When asked if there was any intelligence that might have caused this, Dawkins said,

"No you silly little English muffin, no intelligence was involved in this, are you that stupid to think that someone thought of this theory? No intelligence is needed for this, I bet you believe in fairies as well."

At publishing time, local theistic evolutionist, Hugh Ross said, "Wow, I guess I'll have to find a way to fit this in the Bible...I've done it once, and I can do it again."


News Item9/19/17 7:20 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Scandal: Conservative Catholic/Baptist John Yurich, gambles.

John Y has come out of the closet and admits that he gambles. "Look, I only gamble a couple cents, the reason being is that when I lost a bet against a Methodist, he said I had to be a Baptist" said John Y.

"Many people believe gambling is wrong, but Pastor Steve says otherwise." When asked where he got the money to play the slots, he said, "Oh, I collect the offerings, and take it to play the slots, I'm still asking my god if he will bless the offerings, so far, nothing."

At publishing time, John's moral compass found it alright to see if a buffet as a strip club...which confused just about everyone.


News Item9/19/17 7:05 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Breaking News: Man who claims not to know when Christ will come, has declared that Christ will come on Sept. 23

David Meade, a Christian who believes in words of Jesus, has found out when Jesus will come. "I didn't know that I would know when this would happen" he said in an exclusive interview, "I am glad that I was able to figure it out, I wonder if the angels know about this."

When asked if his alleged findings would discredit the Bible if it were to come true, David said, "Hmm...I really didn't think about that...maybe that section was a copyists error..." At publishing time, David Meade bought a picture of Harold Camping, his hero.


News Item9/19/17 6:55 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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News Item9/16/17 12:57 AM
Calvinist Satire | WW2  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Breaking News: Hitler awarded German Nobel

In a unanimous vote, Hitler has been awarded, "German Nobel" yesterday. "Ja, it is und honor und a privilege" said the German dictator. He was awarded the title for making a safer community by having the Gestapo in high alert, for forming the SS, and for having the hitlerjungend (Hitler Youth) and for doing away with, "The parasites that breed like vermin." Who he described as "useless eaters"

A local German said, "As a father, I'm glad that Hitler is teaching us to devour countries faster than we devour food...If we had a lot of food."

Another citizen said, "I've never heard anything bad about him, and few leaders are as intimately connected to the day-to-day lives of us superior Germans, he understands that we can't have an inferior race that will have negative long term impacts on our lives, he's a true champion of German rights."

At publishing time, Hitler also won, "German idol" in a unanimous vote.


News Item9/15/17 10:41 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Breaking News: Canada is now investigating people's bank accounts.

Canadian officials have a great concern for their citizens, for this reason Canada is investigating its citizens bank accounts, just in case too much money is in their account,

"With all that's been happening with theft, we want to make sure our citizens don't become victims of theft, for this reason we've decided to take some money from their bank account, for their safety of course."
Said an unnamed judge, who passed the bill yesterday. He went on to say,

"I think we'll see a decrease in theft, if not, we might consider taking more, we want our citizens safe."

At publishing time, Canada placed a tax for breathing in oxygen.


News Item9/12/17 10:49 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Breaking News: Millions of Americans conspired to vote for Donald Trump.

A recent development has emerged that millions of Americas decided to exercise their freedom of speech and voted to elect Donald Trump.

"I just don't understand" said Hilary Clinton, "Why do these deplorable Americans have this right, should it even be legal?"

Furthermore, Bill Clinton did not approve of Mike Pences strict rules, "I mean, who sets marriage standards like this? He won't be alone with a woman other than his wife, what does that say to women?"

At publishing time, Bernie Sanders was worried about prayer and bible reading was happening at the White House.

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