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USER COMMENTS BY “ CALVINIST SATIRE ”
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RECENTLY-COMMENTED SERMONS | MoreLast PostTotal
Sermon SA: Doing What We Can | Rev. Armen Thomassian
B. McCausland
"Thanks"
-17 hrs 
Sermon Billy Graham — Prophet to a Nation | Kevin Swanson
Allie
-18 hrs 
Sermon Dying of Thirst | Charles Soper
Suzanne from Oklahoma
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· Page 1 ·  Found: 43 user comments posted recently.
News Item2/7/18 2:22 AM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Religious: Pope isn't Catholic

In a somewhat shocking statement, Pope Francis said, "I don't profess to be a Catholic, God loves everyone and will have everyone in Heaven, including that Luther guy." yes the pope did it again, going off script and said another controversial thing that make Roman Catholic apologists confused.

A particular apologist, who did not want his name to be disclosed, said, "I have talked to many apologists, priests, and cardinals, no one really thinks this pope is all there, in fact someone told me he was smoking a joint."

When we asked if the pope was a universalist, he said, "I believe we are like, all part of the universe, we are all connected in this harmonious cycle and stream of life, can you dig what I'm laying down?"

At publishing time, the pope invited Paul Washer to speak at Vatican City on the topic of "What is the gospel?"


News Item2/3/18 5:07 AM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Yikes, I hope you don't think that's a good article, because the comparison between the troll label and what the homosexuals do...that's ridiculous, and in fact, if we use his standards, you would be compared to what the homosexuals do concerning labeling people. LOL

the author also fails to grasp that MB and James White debated the Oneness Pentecostals, also the author uses double standards, is not very clear in his argumentation, and is just ignorant of some common facts.

And I guess the most important thing is that neither James White or Michael Brown died for me, Jesus Christ died for me, furthermore James White is did not invent Calvinism nor is the doctrine of Calvinism dependent on James White, what you're demonstrating is a strong hatred towards certain people who believe in Calvinism.

So in essence, you just took a cheap shot to mock, slander, lie about, insult, and display your strong dislike for people you don't like. Way to fulfill the second greatest commandment 🦄


News Item2/2/18 2:55 AM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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World news: U.K. Recruits Kent Hovind to inspect public school classes.

In a controversial move, the U.K. has apointed the famous/infamous Christian Creationist Kent Hovind to inspect the teachings of the public schools, "I guess I'm honored" said Hovind while loading his PowerPoint slides, "These kids are being taught that they came from a rock, it's ridiculous."

Although opposition is coming from the political & educational side, however this really didn't concern Hovind, he said, "I'll debate 100 professors at once with half my brain tied behind my back."

When asked if he'd debate the politicians, he said, " Well you gotta understand, the word 'poly' means many, and a tick is a blood sucking animal, so you put the two together and you have a bunch of blood sucking animals, in my opinion that's a perfect example of what politics is."

At publishing times, Hovind inspected 20 public schools in one day, and reported 50 teachers to the police for teaching lies in the textbooks.


Sermon1/30/18 1:54 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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“ Great Sermon! ”

News Item1/30/18 1:50 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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I find it offensive that atheist community assumes the gender of hominids, Neanderthals, and the like. How dare they! Apparently these anthropologist haven't evolved enough to understand gender freedom, how sad.

News Item1/28/18 2:51 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Trending: Calvinist acceptance declining.

In a recent Gallop Poll, they discovered that Calvinist are not being accepted as they use to, local Presbyterian, Caleb Thomson said, "I use to be able to hang out with Baptists and Methodists, but not anymore, I've lost 10 friends on FaceBook and 15 followers on Twitter."

Pastor Dylan McCheyne of Dublin Reformed Baptist Church said, "Me friends be shunning me as if I had a double dose of depravity, or if I were part of the homosexual movement."

At publishing time, ligonier ministries started sending, "Chosen by God" to all Christian homes.


News Item1/23/18 9:02 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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My Own 2 Cents, those names are from VeggieTales. I spelled Servitus wrong.

News Item1/23/18 5:27 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Of course it will! the Anabaptist will be played by Jerry Gourd, Jean Claud and Philip, Ulrich Zwingli will be played by Mr. Lunt, and Servitu will be played by Jimmy Gourd.

News Item1/23/18 2:28 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Movies: Veggietales to launch "A veggietales reformation"

The famous show of your most memorable characters has decided to make a VeggieTales movie about the reformation. The movie will include famous church leaders such as Erasmus, Luther, Pope Leo, Calvin, and many more!

"The movie will depict what the reformation was about, and will include martyrs, and debates, and Martin Luther's famous attitude" said a representative for VeggieTales, he went on to say, "We're trying to push this film so that it can be used fora Sunday School class both for kids and adults"

Mr. Asparagus will be William Tyndale, Bob the tomato will be Martin Luther, Larry the Cucumber will be Erasmus, Mr. Nezzer will be Pope Leo, Archibald will be John Calvin.

At publishing time, Matt Slick pre-ordered the film to see if there was any theological discrepancies.


News Item1/20/18 12:39 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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NeedHim, you beat me to the punch, although I should add, Jim is the master of figet spinners and is as conservative as Princess Twilight Sparkle...I've got to apologize, Princess Twilight Sparkle is more conservative than Jim.

Jim flaunts universal health care, has racist tendencies, promotes lies, defends the wicked, etc. Princess Twilight Sparkle does not.


News Item1/19/18 1:14 AM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Scientific Discovery: Design demands a Designer

The scientific community has been examining the most recent scandalous discovery of the 21st century and many scientists are still debating the validity of the discovery.

However a good portion of the community denied such a notion, they denied it while wearing clothes that had a designer, a computer that had a designer, a phone that had a designer, yet still disagreed with the conclusion that a design demands a Designer for the whole Creation.

Michael Shermer said he was, "Skeptical of the claim, I mean, it seems to be like a poor Desginer if you want to apply it to god, it seems like she had a bad day designing stuff everyday." Eyewitnesses said that they heard Shermer arguing against intelligent design, using an argument he designed.

Dawkins said, "Our purpose is to pass our genes to the next generation" this he said next to 2 lesbian atheists, while Laurence Krauss said, "The stars died so that you can be here." Which no one really got since stars are not living organisms.

At publishing time, Catholic apologists were appalled, but not surprised, when Pope Francis said, "Intelligent Design does not mean there is an intelligent Designer"


News Item1/18/18 7:08 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Breaking Development: Jim Lincoln discovers that black people and atheists actually homeschool.

What might be common knowledge to just about everyone, Jim Lincoln discovered that there are black people and atheists who homeschool. In a tax funded basement, he made the shocking discovery and reportedly cried, "I knew it! I knew it! I'll get those Bible believers and tell them all about it, they'll be so surprised, I'll have to throw some links in there."

With that he ran up to Wyatt McCheyne, an elder at Sovereign Grace church, said, "Do you know that atheists and non white people homeschool!?" Wyatt McCheyne was startled, but said, "I'm black and I homeschool my children...So yeah I know about it"

Jim reportedly said, "liar! Ah ha, I've imparted my new-found knowledge to you!" And went down the street laughing in a very creepy way.

At publishing time, Jim allegedly is working on a book called, "The rise of non white homeschooling atheists"


News Item1/18/18 6:55 PM
Calvinist Satire  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Opinion: Tattoo artist says "Let young kids have tattoos"

Progressive, feminist tattoo artist Sarah Madison has suggested that, quote, "We should let young kids have tattoos, a little ink won't hurt them, it'll boost their confidence and they can express to all the world who they are"

She went on to say, "Another thing, these kids shouldn't have to ask their parents, parents have to right over their bodies, not the kid's bodies. These children should have the right to make their own decisions, and not have control freak parents restrict them, we should accept these kids as they are."

At publishing time, a public school in California refused to allow 9 year old Bryan Bates to attend the school, because he had a tattoo that read, "Jesus saves" and it was considered offensive to atheists, Muslims, Jews, and the LBGTQ+ community.


News Item10/7/17 1:53 AM
Calvinist Satire | Germany  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Religion: R.C. Sproul declares trip to Germany as a "Christian Mecca"

Anyone who's ever heard of R.C. Sproul knows his love for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Reformed theology, and Martin Luther, however Dr. Sproul, in a recent broadcast of, "Renewing your Mind" said that, "A trip to Wittenberg Germany (or Wartburg Castle) is one of the key roles for sanctification, it is the Reformed person's Mecca, you can't help but to see the places of which Luther himself went to."

However many Arminians (namely those who are fans of the late Jack Chick) suspect this is a Jesuitical scheme. Blake Owen, a local Arminian, said, "Martin Luther was a Jesuit, this reformation thing was a pro-Lucifarian plot to try to sweep all mankind towards the anti-christ, is it a coincidence that Hallow's Eve and Reformation Day is on the same day??? I think not!!!"

Another Arminian said, "John Calvin was a murderous scoundrel, his tyrannical kingdom was worse than Stalin, how do I know? Dave Hunt wrote about it...and Martin Luther did not use the Recieved Text, Tyndale had a higher view of scripture than Martin Luther."

At publishing time, R.C. Sproul was selling "Reformation Candy" on ligonier.org and planned to dress as Martin Luther for Reformation Day.


News Item10/3/17 1:02 AM
Calvinist Satire | Politically Incorrect  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Education: U.K. schools maintain consistent political correctness by removing evolutionism from textbooks to avoid offending Christians.

Many Christians in the U.K. have voiced their concern about the lies that are being taught concerning evolutionism, it has been insulting their intelligence and the faith to which they maintain, namely one of the doctrines that God created the universe about 6,000 years ago.

Because of this, the U.K. schools have now removed evolutionism from the textbooks. "We really want our schools to be sensitive to the faith of others" said Superintendent Henry Winston, "And that's why we removed evolutionism from the textbooks, and replaced it with real, observable science."

One Presbyterian student, Johnathan Reynolds, said, "It's about time they throw that rubbish in the garbage, finally we're being taught real science and actually learn truth."

At publishing time Ken Ham was rejoicing about the decision, and decided to write a new book called, "Already Seeing Results" and Kent Hovind offered to debate the whole entire school board.


News Item9/26/17 6:16 PM
Calvinist Satire | The Vatican  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Looks like John Y has more free will than God does apparently God is not free to exercise his almighty power

John you obviously are ignorant of Calvinism 101, it's an epidemic that's spreading across a lot of denominations and you're showing the symptoms of it the first symptom is misrepresenting Calvinism of which you are doing.

But just for you, Calvinist Satire have a remedy for this:

To stop the illness you have, consume 2 "Radio Free Geneva" by Dr.James White each day, for about two weeks, stop buying Chick tracts, and replace it with Chick Fil A and sound tracts from Living waters.

stop relying on man for assurance of your salvation, and read Daniel chapter 4 at least once a day to realize that God exercised His free will on Nebuchadnezzar.

If problems are still present or worsen, read in exodus "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy" and concerning Pharaoh that "I have raised you up that I might show my power" you might even need to listen to R.C. Sproul, and Paul Washer.

(Disclaimer) If you become a Calvinist we do not provide cages for the"Cage Stage" symptoms, you can order cages from gty.com or Wretched Radio.


News Item9/25/17 10:08 PM
Calvinist Satire | The Vatican  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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(Cont) conservative Catholic and priest, Ryle Bates, who is a Chaplin for a St. Peter's Hospital added his concern as well, "Yes, I teach that we need the grace of Christ, but His grace isn't sufficient, I guess I should spill the beans, we teach things that aren't even in the Bible, we kinda made it up as we go along."

At publishing time, Martin Luther took to Facebook and said, "You conservative Catholics are the priests of Nimrod, and the children of Belzebub, and the liberal Catholics have dung for brains."

At publishing time John Calvin also responded to the Conservative Catholics, he took to Twitter and said, "You better check yourself before you wreck yourself."


News Item9/25/17 9:53 PM
Calvinist Satire | The Vatican  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Scandal: Conservative Catholics caught preaching damnable heresy.

In a scandal that is no doubt going to be "Choice News" Conservative Catholics were found teaching heresy before, during and after the Mass, " It's just devastating that this caught wind" said local cardinal, Patrick McGregor, "all us conservative Catholics protest against homosexuality, abortion, etc. but the church never suspected that we actually teach things that are anti christ"

A conservative Catolic


News Item9/25/17 9:46 PM
Calvinist Satire | BYU  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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Breaking News: 67 year old alumni Mormon visits BYU, consumes 3 gallon of Coca cola.

Local Mormon, Elder (Bill) Tanner, visited Brigham Young University, to see how his old college was doing, and he saw 21 year old college student, Dan Smith, consuming a glass of coke,

At first Bill Tanner whacked the young whippersnapper for drinking a caffeinated beverage, Dan said, "Oww! What was that for elder Tanner!?"
"For breaking college rule and Mormon "law"" was his reply.

Upon further discussion, Elder Tanner was informed that the "law" no longer applied, not soon after, Elder Smith began drinking massive amounts of Coke. When asked why, Elder Tanner said, "They depraved us of this stuff, and now I'm getting what I deserve, soda!!!"

He went on to say, "I will definitely be drinking this, I plan to go to the Messa Pageant in Arizona, and I'm going to need refreshments, I also plan to redo my Mission, it's a long way from Hawaii and I'll need some Coke to quench my thirst."

At publishing time, Elder Tanner bought two packs of Coca Cola for the 45min drive to his house.


News Item9/23/17 5:59 PM
Calvinist Satire | heaven  Find all comments by Calvinist Satire
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@Watcher, if you're still on earth, then you've been left behind, make sure you read the, "Left Behind" books to know how to navigate the waters of the tribulation, remember, locusts are coming so get some some anti hell possessed locusts spray.

Good luck and one more thing, make sure the water isn't poisoned by the wormwood stuff and move to somewhere where there's no animals that can get wild and trample you. (My advice, underground bunker with an. A K 47, a .22 calibre, that should be good.

If you survive this thing you'll be like the Chuck Norris of "Left behind" have a blessed day.

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