Brit-humour wrote: Beware of Alphabet Grenades..if you throw them, it could spell disaster! So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied â€śAchh-neeeeâ€ť. I want to tell you a bit about myself.. Iâ€™m a very quiet and secretive person, and thatâ€™s it really. Iâ€™ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Iâ€™ll tell you what...Never again So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift?â€ť I said â€śSure, you look great, the worldâ€™s your oyster, go for it. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down. So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". "I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' "Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." Phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."